.

T: "So you're at a new school, but it's the same old thing – partying, boys.

S: Yeah, but there was one person there who was different…"

(Serena and her therapist, S4 E11)

Chapter 10: Spring Break

[Friday, March 3 - 2:57pm]

The last English class before spring break started was droning on. Everyone was looking at the clock, inching for it to get to three o'clock. Only Serena seemed engaged with the conversation.

"What do you think makes Macbeth so angry?" Ben Donovan asked the class, seated in a circle around him.

In the center of the circle of desks, Serena raised her hand. "Well, it's obvious, isn't it? His uncle had just killed his father."

"Yes, that's what happened. But why did he react the way he did" Ben continued, perched on the desk at the front of the room. "Was it instinct? Rage? Why does that make him angry?"

Serena raised her hand again. The rest of the class giving her dirty looks and shifting in their seats.

"Anyone else?" Mr. Donovan asked. "No? Okay, Serena."

"I think it was that no one understood him." She said. "I think he was angry because he felt so alone"

Just then the bell rang to signal the end of English class and indeed, classes for the foreseeable future. Spring break had just started. There was an immediate pounding of feet and shuffling of papers as students got around up.

"Think about my question over vacation." Ben Donovan said. "We'll pick it up after break."

The rest of the class began to empty their bags and pack up, eager to get away into the late afternoon sunshine. Serena followed suit.

"Serena, can you wait a moment?" Ben asked.

Serena hung back as the seats emptied around her. Normally she would be eager to get back to her dorm room and get started with spring break. But this year it was different. Much to the consternation of her mother, she wasn't travelling to the family chalet in Switzerland with Eric and Claus. She was going on a service trip with Ashley to the Appalachian Mountains. They were to be departing by van the following morning to start their 13-hour drive, so she really didn't have much to get back to other than packing.

Mr. Donovan approached her with a blue booklet. "I took the liberty of grading your midterm first." He smiled, handing it back to her. "Congratulations – you go the only perfect score on the Silvia Plath section.

She looked at the red marker denoting 'A-' in shock. An A-? She couldn't remember ever getting an A- on a final before.

"Wow!" She exclaimed.

"Your insights about using shadows as literal foreshadowing were really spot on." He said, grinning. "I am going to share that insight with my colleagues during our next teachers round circle."

"Well, it's thanks to you that I understand them. Thanks again for taking the time to help me out last weekend."

"Any time, any time." He said, swatting off the compliment. "Please, call me Ben. As much as I love Knightley, I feel like it has too many formalities."

"It's not so bad." Serena said. "At my old school, the teachers were always called by their last name. And if we got any of them coffee, I think they'd have a heart attack."

"Well, maybe it's helpful to have that divide. Otherwise, my students might not take me seriously. I'm barely more than a student – this is only my second year teaching."

"At Knightley?"

"Ever. I graduated from Vassar in 2005. Did my one-year teaching fellowship at Hanover and then applied."

"Really?" Serena asked. "You teach the class so well. I didn't realize you were so young." Certainly, he was one of the younger teachers on campus. And definitely the cutest.

"Well, if you tell anyone else, I'll deny it." Ben said, putting his school bag across his shoulder. "I really enjoyed our coffee last week- if you have any such questions as we tackle Shakespeare next semester, I'd be happy to walk you through it again. And I'm thinking about offering a class trip to the Mary McCarthy Collection at Vassar College after break. It's where most of Sylvia Plath's papers are held. Would you be interested in going?

"Definitely." Serena exclaimed.

"Great – I'll let you know. Enjoy your break Serena." Ben waved, and walked down the hall.

Serena sighed in relief. Wow. An A-! She didn't know how much that'd help her total grade point average but at least English she'd probably get in the B-range.

She she could certainly use the help.

The disastrous night she had spent after the Valentines Dance had sparked the beginning of a downward spiral. She had joined party scene, accepting invites to Damien's parties that she had avoided scrupulously since the beginning. The timing could not have been worse as it was next to the two week lead up right to the run-in up to exams. She had missed or turned in late most of her assignments during the study period.

Ben had been the one to pull her out right before exams.

Serena hadn't really cared as her other class work suffered, but with English it was different. She had turned in her Shakespeare paper late, and Mr. Donovan was the only one of her teachers who had taken her aside in the last two weeks to speak with her about her progress – or believed that she could have done better.

Serena paused as she put her book bag away, flashing back to that day a few weeks back.

"Mr. Donovan…" she had begun.

"Ben, please."

"I'm sorry the essay's late. I'm working on it. But I just don't understand."

"Don't understand what?" He asked.

"What you want me to write! She exclaimed. "Shakespeare's one of the most exasperating authors I've ever read.

Ben frowned. "Have you never read any of his work before?

"We read Romeo and Juliet last year."

"What did you think of it?"

"I thought it was bull crap." She exclaimed. Ben laughed at her outburst. Serena, not noticing, continued. "I mean, she kills herself over some guy. How crazy do you have to be?"

"Well, actually, as interesting as your views on the greatest love story of all time are, I wasn't going to chastise you about the essay being late."

Serena raised her eyebrow. "You weren't?"

"No. I was going to say, I really am interested in hearing your perspective. You always have good insights in class."

"Thanks."

Ben smiled. "I also noticed you've been more subdued than usual in class. Is everything okay?"

Serena said nothing, but wondered what he had observed.

He nodded to the boy that just left. "You've been hanging out a lot with Damien lately."

It was true. "Yeah, he's been helping me with Spanish." Serena said. Doing her homework was more like it.

"And I've also noticed you've got some new friends - the boys in Finch Hall?" Ben continued.

That was true. Finch Hall was where she'd gone most of the past nights after study hall, and sometimes before.

"They aren't exactly your crowd, I would have thought.

There were only two dorms for upper classmen boys, and if Jake lived in Limbert Hall, the jock dorm, then Damien was firmly in the party dorm, along with a bunch of his friends. They would drink all manner of substances after hours.

She shifted in her seat. "Well, they're my friends..." But even before the words were out of her mouth, she could see that Ben wasn't buying it.

"I used to see you hanging mostly with Jake. And your roommate is Ashley, she's in my senior honors seminar."

Serena had shifted uncomfortably. Ashley was still there, but with the squash season ending she was busier than not with squash. And Jack... apart from one outburst, Jack still wasn't talking to her since the Valentines day Dance. So now dinners were occupied with Damien who seemed to have waited for this chance to spring on her time; offering help that she was in dire need of for her Spanish lessons. Between him and his circle of friends she had been occupied.

Not to mention the weekends.

Serena had not realized until she attended one of Damien's parties just how hard some of her classmates partied. Damien might be a bit of a nerd (ok, a big one). But thanks to his wealth, his connections, and keen understanding of human nature he was the go-to person for anyone looking to throw a party. Not exactly popular, the boys tolerated him because he could get them pretty much ever substance known to man, and his parents rented a house in town within walking distance of the school. He had it down to a system where people would go, walk into town, and then get picked up. How the administration didn't know about it, Serena never knew. Girls figured he was mostly harmless.

And so, she had reverted to her old ways.

She threw herself into the party scene, her outgoing personality emerged more brittle than before covering the dark and damaged insides. She recalled one afternoon she was supposed to be 'studying' Spanish with Damian and his friends, but was really demoing the correct way to drink Absinthe. Josh had been staying close and his hand kept its place, almost possessively on her knee – but only when they were in the room together with the other guys. Later that night, when they were alone, he hadn't shown much interest in her body...

Yes, she was running with a different crowd.

Then, abruptly, she returned to herself and realized that Mr. Donovan had asked her a question she had not responded to.

"Pardon?"

"I said, if you're having trouble with the essay, have you considered asking either of them for help?"

Serena sighed. "I guess I could try."

"Do." Ben said firmly. "And if you still have trouble, let me know. I'd be happy to review it with you."

"Thanks." Said Serena, turning to go.

"And Serena, I hope you do turn in the essay sooner rather than later. I look forward to your thoughts."

The image of Ben's kind smile stayed with her as she walked out to the faint winter sunlight.

Serena had finished the essay that night. He was the only one of her teachers who seemed to expect more of her, and for whatever reason she didn't want to disappoint him. The fact that he was barely 24 and cute certainly didn't hurt either. He had given her a C – which was generous, considering that she had turned in the paper nearly two weeks late.

But it was enough to make her want to work harder. His kindness was helping to put her on the right track.

And so, with exams only a week away, she had cornered him with coffee in town and asked if he could help her under stand Sylvia Plath material that was sure to be on the test.

Of course, she had made it seem like a casual run in it wasn't. She recognized she needed help, but with the partying she'd done in the last two weeks, she wasn't sure she deserved it.

She wanted to do better – be better! Only time would tell if that would happen.

When Serena returned to her room she found Ashley was just lacing up her boots.

They had barely seen each other over the last two weeks since the party. Serena didn't think Ashley was mad at her, but couldn't really tell. With the NEPSA squash tournament so near, Ashley had been on the courts every spare moment she could get away from studying. And Serena had not been studying at all, partying with her newfound friend Damien. But she'd figure it out after today. They were both leaving for Appalachia on a service trip the next day.

"I'm finished packing and am going to walk into town – wanna come?" Ashley asked.

"Maybe… Is anyone else going?"

"Why?" Ashley frowned. "Worried you'll run in to someone we both know?"

An image of Jake flashed before her eyes.

"I'm kind of tired..." Serena began, suddenly feeling indeed quite fatigued.

"Damn it Serena, you can't avoid human contact forever." Ashley said, exasperated. "So you embarrassed yourself, no big deal."

"I've hardly been a nun!" And it was true – she had been partying it up over the last two weeks, encouraged by her study partner-turned-new-friend Damien.

"I know at least one person you're avoiding." Ashley sighed, picking up her book bag.

"Travis is avoiding me, not the other way around." Serena muttered.

The same weekend of the dance Travis had sent her an email basically confessing his true feelings and asking her to go to a movie the following weekend, which finally helped Serena finally realize his intentions. She never responded. Ever since, he had refused to sit at the same table as her during lunch.

"I'm not talking about Travis. You've been avoiding Jake."

Serena rolled her eyes. "You would too if you had heard the things that she said. Besides, I have to pack." They were leaving for a week in Appalachia at 5am tomorrow morning. Serena was not looking forward to the thirteen-hour drive, especially if this was the beginning of the interrogation.

But it wasn't.

"Suit yourself." Ashley said, frowning, and exited – leaving Serena alone with her thoughts.

Serena looked at her suitcase, but couldn't bring herself to begin. She could have cared less at this point about Travis being awkward at this point. But, her friendship with Jake was another story. She hadn't been privy to the tirade that following day after the V-Day Dance and Serena's night of debauchery.

The night of the dance Ashley had stayed up half the night making sure that Serena got the rest of the toxins out of her system without falling asleep or ceasing breathing, even though she had a Saturday-morning squash tournament in New Hampshire the next day. Before she left, she made sure Serena was awake with aspirin, dry cereal, and enough water, then left her alone to sleep the rest of it off.

Serena's sleep was disturbed around three PM – the start of afternoon inter-dorm visitation. The hall-monitor peered in and let her know that Jake as here to see her and she didn't have the strength to argue as they propped the door open.

Serena curled up under blankets in her over-sized Constance t-shirt with aspirin and a gigantic bottle of Evian beside her. Still smelling faintly of vomit, she listened in silence to his tirade. Honestly, she didn't remember most of the incident or its aftermath – she was still in so much pain.

"Total shit show…. You almost got us expelled.…. I had to carry you through the snow... You're lucky you didn't die… Two guys really? Rashid and Josh of all people… Don't you have any respect for yourself? Don't you know what could have HAPPENED?" Jake yelled at her.

Eventually, Catelyn knocked and came in. "Jake – you need to calm the fuck down. If I can hear you, so can the hall monitor, and I know Mrs. Robinson isn't exactly deaf. Come on, you need to finish my chemistry set anyway."

Footsteps, and he was gone. Serena had stayed silent through the whole ordeal, but his cutting words kept running through her head long after he left. Thoughts like So why didn't you leave me for dead? You shouldn't have helped me. You didn't need to do that. I'm so sorry…. And even further deep down. I don't deserve it.

It couldn't have been worse than what had happened before. Serena thought, but in her severely-hung over, and vulnerable state she couldn't hear the worry in his voice, nor the relief that she was still in one piece and miraculously unscathed as his words echoed through her memory. She simply buried her head farther under the pillows and groaned.

She had been mortified. And ashamed. And at the bottom.

Nothing I can do now. Serena thought, returning to the present, and began to pack.

It was not Serena's original plan to go on this service trip. She thought about this as she looked to the forested country out the window, earphones in one ear and listened to music on her iPod, Ashley asleep in the seat next to her.

Serena had been worried about how to negotiate coming back to the city but was saved from that decision when Ashley mentioned that they had one more seat on the service trip to the Appalachia's. Her mother was less than thrilled, wanting to spend some mother-daughter bonding time together. However, there was nothing they could do. And so instead of flying with her ski's to Switzerland, Serena boarded a minivan with questionable AC at five AM with five other girls and a suitcase full of jeans and tshirts and bandanas.

It was pouring down rain by the time they arrived at the build site. It was also well after dinner as the drive took thirteen hours, not the original ten, after the driver took a two-hour detour going the wrong way in western Pennsylvania.

"C'mon guys, look alive! They made us sandwiches for dinner" said Margaret Taylor, the trip monitor and the fellowship's faculty sponsor. "Let's get in and register and eat, then it's straight to bed. We have a long week ahead of us."

The work itself turned out not to be too strenuous. They were rebuilding houses, not constructing new ones. Given her upper body strength from squash, Ashley was assigned to roof detail and Serena was inside, painting and refinishing the walls. They didn't talk much, except for meals. Serena didn't know the other four people – all seniors and juniors in Knightley's small Christian fellowship. She almost hadn't gone when she found out a religious group sponsored it. (What if they tried to convert her?) But the alternative, going back to NYC, had convinced her.

It turned out not to be so bad. The only time that religion factored into it was mealtime prayers.

"So, Ashley tells me that you're not a church goer." Dana, a petite brunette on Ashley's squash team asked her the second day as they were painting walls.

"Well, when my Grandmother's with us we go, I guess, on Christmas and Easter. But apart from that we're not really involved, no."

"Well, don't worry. We won't try to convert you." She said, passing Serena the sledge hammer. "In my view, Christianity's about how you treat people. Not what you do on Sundays. We're a friendly group."

"I'm glad." Serena said, passing the rollers. "I didn't know Knightley even had a Christian fellowship group."

"It didn't, really, until two years ago when Miranda arrived on campus." She nodded to the tallest student in the room, a beautiful African girl currently chatting in good spirits with the foreman. "Her parents are missionaries in Zimbabwe. She didn't have a lot of friends when she arrived, but she wanted to create a place where people felt welcome to talk about their faith. Do you ever notice that, though we have a beautiful chapel on campus and Knightley was started by the church, we never talk about religion?"

"I guess." Serena lied, wanting to change the subject quickly. Religion always made her uncomfortable. "Have you known Ashley long?"

"Not really. She started coming to our Wednesday night meetings after Thanksgiving last year. She was pretty sad, I remember."

Serena nodded. "Right, her roommate had just gotten kicked out."

"Yeah." Dana dipped her paint in the roller and then began taking the walls at a more furious pace, not looking at Serena.

Serena attacked the wall with a sledge hammer. "Do you know what happened?"

"Ashley didn't tell you?" Dana asked, still not looking at Serena.

"I never asked her." Serena said, truthfully.

"Some things are better left unsaid." Dana ended. They continued to paint in silence, but Serena's mind was a whirl. Why hadn't she asked her until now? She had never heard the whole story about why Ashley's roommate had left. All her friends refused to talk about it and the only things she had heard were from Josh, who knew what he knew, and Isabella – Ashley's professed sworn enemy.

Well, they were in a different state now. Serena wasn't talking to those friends either and quite frankly she had nothing left to lose. She wanted answers. She just had to wait until she found the right moment.

And on the last day of the trip, the right moment came.

"Whew! I'm beat." Serena said as she came in from the shower, flinging herself against the bed as she arrived in their room.

"I know what you mean." Ashley said, on the bottom bunk. "I thought this would be a relaxing trip after squash seven days a week. I'm going to come back with sore muscles."

"When Ms. Julie said to practice painting over the break, I don't think this is what she meant." Serena said, looking at her forearm which even after scrubbing remained covered with speckles of wall paint. "But at least I'll look like I've been busy."

They laid on their beds, exhausted. Then, suddenly, the power cut, and the room was plunged into darkness. Serena, let out a yelp in surprise, followed by what she could tell was the entire floor.

She heard Ashley open the door and poke her head out in the hall and call out, "I thought lights off wasn't for another hour?"

"The generator is having a problem." Called back Ms. Taylor, the trip monitor and the group's their faculty sponsor. "I'd get ready for bed as best you can. We're still planning to leave at 5am."

Using the light from their phones, they got ready for bed as best they could, finally jumping into bed with wet hair.

"Well, I guess it's a little like camping." Serena said into the darkness. Ashley snorted. "We have hot water. Clearly you've never been camping."

"Thanks for inviting me a long." Serena said.

"No problem." Said Ashley.

"The girls seem nice. I didn't know that you were a Christian."

"Well, I'm … not exactly." Ashley spoke into the darkness. I mean, I was baptized and everything, like everyone in my small town. But Ma… one of my friends, she was in the group and invited me along on this trip last year. And they were friendly, and I liked the work. I signed up at the beginning of the school year, and had totally forgotten until Ms. Taylor reminded me two weeks ago that we had one spot open. Which is why I mentioned it to you."

Despite the physical activity, Serena wasn't tired at all, but remained anxious. This was the moment she had been waiting for. The dark always made it easier to talk about things. And tonight, was no exception.

"Your friend… it was your old roommate, Maria, wasn't it?"

Ashley hesitated a second before answering, "Yes."

"I wondered. I knew she was your roommate." Serena paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "But I didn't know she was your friend. You never talk about her, you know, I just wondered what happened" She paused, but Ashley said nothing. "And I'm sorry I'm so curious. It's just I've had a lot of different rumors. A lot of different things. And none of our friends want to talk about it – they all ask if you've told me. and You haven't. So, I was wondering… If you could tell me what happened." She finished lamely. So much for subtly. Verbal diaria was more like it.

Ashley didn't speak for a long time. So long that Serena wondered if she would ever speak to her again. Until finally, when she spoke, it was in a strangely muffled voice, almost as if she were holding her hands in front of her face

"It's not… it's not easy to remember."

"I know what you mean…" Serena cut in, relieved. "I know what it's like to be in the middle of a scandal. To have people talk and wonder at you – if you really did that. I know that the rumors that people tell are probably twice as worse as what happened. I know it's worse to wonder if people you love think you did whatever you did. I know it's not easy to talk about, but sometimes I think that if we did it would be better."

Ashley still said nothing.

"Whatever it is, I won't judge you." Serena continued. "Trust me, I'm sure I've done worse. I am in no position to judge." And then inspiration struck her. "I'll even make you a deal. I'll tell you what you wanted to know that night that we played truth and consequences. I'll tell you happened to me, why I came to Knightley, if you tell me why she left."

In the dark, Serena heard nothing, until finally, the springs shifted under Ashley as she turned around to face her.

"Okay." Ashley said. "But promise, no judgement?"

"No judgement".

And so, trembling, she began.

"I'm on financial aid."

Serena was surprised. She had never noticed that Ashley didn't have money. But then again, they wore uniforms and didn't use much money daily so how would she have known?

Ashley continued, "My mom's from an old Connecticut family, but she disowned them shortly after marrying my dad for reasons I've never really known. We've gotten in touch with them a little bit in the last year but that's not the point. My point is that with me and three brothers, well, we didn't have a lot of money. But that didn't really matter to me because I had three things going for me: I was smart, I was a hard worker, and I was really, really good at squash...but then I came to Knightley.

"I've never felt so out of place. I might have been smart and a hard worker and good at something. But that didn't matter - everyone here had to be some version of that to get in. But everyone here it also seemed had money. Even you, the way you talk about money... It's just so different than the way I was raised. I felt out of place, until I met Maria, my sophomore year roommate.

"On paper, we couldn't have been more different. She's Hispanic, from Miami, her father's the governor. For Quinceanera she had Carlos friggin Santana perform! But coming to Knightley she felt out of place too. If you haven't noticed, there's almost no of diversity. Anyway, we were each other's lifeline and we hung on. We roomed together every single year after that, which is unusual at Knightley. Nothing ever came between us, until… Brian."

"He was a PG my Junior year, on the squash team, and from Michigan to boot. In retrospect, I don't know what we were thinking. He was clearly a bad news boy. What I was thinking, I mean…"

She paused a long time.

"I think... I think he was interested in Maria from the get go. But, she was always a flirt. And that year, she was dating someone else – Josh, you know him? Yeah, anyway, they were an item. I was always the single one. So, it was nice, to have someone to have someone interested in me for a change. We started hooking up over thanksgiving break Junior year."

Ashley took a deep breath. "I thought I was in love with him, but in retrospect I don't know what I was thinking. But I knew it wouldn't last. He was going to Dartmouth at the end of the year. So, anyway, we continued fooling around that summer – we only lived an hour away from each other and it wasn't that hard to find an excuse to see each other. Then Maria came to visit that summer and I invited him to tag along. That's when I first realized how much I didn't know.

"By now you know Knightley has a seedy underbelly, but you had to go looking for it. We didn't participate at school, but I had always known that Maria partied when she went back to Miami. I didn't realize that she did drugs. She would have known that I didn't approve. My dad's a law enforcement officer, and where I'm from in Michigan it's really bad. Which is one of the reason's my parents wanted me to go away to school in the first place – the public school I would have gone to was riddled with it.

"Anyway, she brought coke with her that summer, and I looked on with horror as she and Brian started snorting up together at her hotel. He said he could get harder stuff, and I just left. I was disgusted. I couldn't deal. I never asked what happened between the two of them, but it didn't matter.

"So, we went back to the school year- this year. I was focused on getting in to Harvard, and Maria knew, given her father was govener, she would be a shoe in for Miami University next year, and she decided she just wanted to have fun. Damien started throwing his parties, she started going. And by Thanksgiving Maria's partying had gotten out of control.

"I was pretty mad when you got shit faced two weekends ago, but the reason I didn't let it show is that I knew it wouldn't work. I knew how Maria was. I was afraid if I said something it would egg you on. She started going out late every night, coming back high. And then, one day, I knocked some stuff off the desk and a box of what I thought were notecards fell off. White stuff exploded everywhere, and I knew it was cocaine.

"She came in later that night so high she could have killed herself. I was just so scared. I begged her to go to the nurse, to get help. She was so high she didn't hear me. But even if she could have, I doubted she would have listened. So, the next day, I went and told Dean Parnelli and told her what was going on."

"When Dean Parnelli arrived later that morning, Maria started to scream that I was trying to set her up, jealous that I had hooked up with her boyfriend over the summer. And a lot of other awful, awful things."

...

She paused for breath. "I think she was still high… but she said things about me that made me wonder if she ever considered me a friend..."

Serena could hear Ashley as she started crying in earnest. "You were a good friend." Serena said. "You were trying to help her. You wanted to get her out of a bad situation..."

"But I got her into a worse one." Ashley cried. "They searched the room – it turns out she had half a kilo of cocaine in her room. At a school. That's intent to distribute… to minors! They had to get the police involved. … and never spoke to her again. Ashley sniffed. "I've looked up the laws. It carries a minimum fifteen-year jail sentence."

"So that's what happened?" Serena asked. "She got arrested?"

"I don't know. Last I saw, she was getting in a car with Dean Parnelli to go to the police station, screaming I had framed her. I got suspended because they found the wine I had in my room, but it was my first offence. By the time I arrived back on campus, it was almost time to go home for winter break. Her sister, Isabella, headed home for the holidays early given the situation, and everything else was swept under the rug."

"I'm so sorry." Serena said. "But you couldn't have known that would happen." You probably thought that she's be sent to rehab or something."

"I know. I just wanted to help her, but I ended up ruining her life. If she goes to jail... she'll be in her thirties by the time she's let out – if that!"

"But you don't even know that's what happened. I haven't seen anything in the papers yet. It'd be a pretty big story, right, a governor's daughter going to jail for cocaine use. Maybe it's not as bad as you think."

"Maybe not…" Ashley admitted. "But it doesn't matter. It matters what people think. Half of the school, the half that was friends with Maria, hated me.

"Probably led by Isabella." Serena said. "She hates you, you know."

"Oh, I know." Ashley laughed. "She's always hated me. Hated how close I was to her sister. Made her jealous." She wiped her eyes. "I've always thought she was an entitled brat, jealous because her sister was more beautiful than she was. They're fraternal twins, you know. You think they'd be closer."

"She's sworn revenge, you know." Serena said. "She's planning to have you gone by the end of the school year."

"She can try. I'm not scared of her. Anything she wants to throw at me, I can handle." Ashley said, growing quiet again. "It's you I'm worried about."

"Me? What do you mean?"

"Damien's a bad influence. I've seen all the partying you've gotten into. I don't want you to get hurt."

Serena shrugged it off. "I'm from New York. I know how to handle myself."

"it's not just me whose worried – I know Jake is too."

"Jake doesn't care." Serena scoffed.

"I know he's angry, but people like Jake... they are angry at you because they care about you. You really should try..."

The lights chose that moment to come back on. Serena blinked, and Ashley frantically wiped her eyes.

"Anyway, thanks for telling me." Serena said, wanting to change the subject. "I'm sorry to pry, but, well, for what its' worth I think you are a good friend."

"Well, Thanks for listening." Ashley said, switching off the lights and rolling over to sleep. "You know what they say, Confession is good for the soul. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight.

"Good night." Serena said. Ashley's snores filled the room quickly. Confession was clearly good for her soul.

Serena took much longer to fall asleep. Ashley had just told her the worst thing she had done… and no, honestly, it didn't change the way Serena felt about her. She still cared about her.

It can't be that easy... can it?

Serena didn't know if she would ever fix things with Jake, or Blair, or Nate. But maybe it wasn't too late to fix things with herself. She could try – she didn't have much left to lose.

Author's Note:

Wow - how has it been 10 years already?

I started this story back in December 2007, when Season 1 hadn't even finished yet. I got through the first half of the story (50,000ish words) before stalling out around the time the series ended in 2012. In November 2017 I picked up the thread, determined to finish the story within a year or be done with it forever. Which I did. I started Part 2 as my Nanowrimo project for 2017, and I finished the manuscript on January 28, 2018.

So... I actually have the entire rest of it written

All I have to do is edit and post the 50,000+ words / 12+ chapters. Easier said than done, I know, but it will be done before the end of 2018 - hopefully well before but we just have to see how revisions go.

Some things have changed:

The two biggest changes are that the school is now called "Knightley" and Jack is now called Jake. See the A/N at the beginning of the prologue. There are other changes - mostly fixed typos, plot holes so tiny only I noticed them, and consistency. There's also no longer a break in the fourth wall.

I wrote this story to fit completely in with the canon TV story line. Therefore, Ben/Mr. Donovan will have his story line worked in, as you can see by this particular chapter, but I don't believe that Serena's time at boarding school was all partying. Obviously, she has some relapses as has been detailed in previous (and future) chapters. Damien, as we know, is an unreliable narrator. And as to what Serena told her therapist. In my experience, we're in therapy because we're focused on the bad parts ^_^ and are having trouble seeing the progress we have made. Why she doesn't mention Jack in it? Well, the epilogue should make that clear.

What kept me going through over a decade of time was my readers.

I don't want to leave you guys hanging, and I don't want to be 'that author' who can't meet her commitments. And the thought that, if there was even one reader who was waiting to see how this ended (well, I mean, we all know how it ended... so maybe what happens?) then it would be worth finishing it.

So I dedicate what follows to you, my dear and faithful readers.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for giving me a reason to write.

xoxo,

Lily Jacobs