A massive thank you to all that have reviewed, I really do enjoy reading them and hope I can alter my writing so you can enjoy my fic more!
A special thanks to Hope.Flies, you are a diamond! And Ida-cullen I wrote this after I read your review, so I hope you like it!
That night Payson was trying to focus on anything but what had happened, she worked on her exams and even planned out some new routines for the girls. She knew what she was doing, in her mind, she had excepted the loss but wasn't ready to deal with the emotions that run along side it, at least not yet. Sasha asked her to talk but she told him there was no need, that she was done going through it, he accepted that with reservation, but didn't push and allowed her to focus on work.
They usually occupied different areas of the sitting room, but tonight Payson had opted to work from their bedroom. Every now and then he would make an excuse to check in on her, coffee, snacks, socks, she simply smiled up at him before working through her books again. Each time he left, she felt guilty and closer to tears than the last. The books were no long keep the thoughts at bay, so she jumped into action, before the emotion washed over her.
She decided that all the food from their dinner party was going to go to waste unless she used it, marinated chicken, "what can I make". She pottered around the kitchen, looking in the fridge, flicking through old recipe books, before finally settling on a curry.
Sasha walked in casually, not having a clue if she even wanted him there, "what you making?"
Payson avoided eye contact, instead focusing on cutting the chicken, "just a curry".
"looks like well be having curry for a while" he gestured to the large pile of cut chicken.
"I guess so", she knew she was being abrupt, but she really didn't want to chat. She was trying her best to keep with it and not flip out, she knew it wasn't his fault but she couldn't help it. "Go back and finish all that paperwork, I got this covered" she said convincingly.
"You sure?" he said placing his hand on he arm smoothly.
Again, guilt run through her veins as his hand lay a soft touch on her skin, he was being perfect and she was still pushing him away "uh hu... go before I change my mind", forcing out a smile.
He placed a soft kiss on the back of her head, rubbing gently at her arm, he held it for a little too long before he left. As he moved away she felt that lump return to the back of her throat, the one she had pushed back so many time that day, only this time she had no control over it. She tried to fight the feelings washing over her, she stayed at the counter trying to prepare the food. It was no use, the small lump had engrossed her, it was now like a dead weight on her entire body. She felt her eyes fill, her breathes deepen and finally the floods empty from her eyes. She set the knife down and tried to snap herself out of it and control her breathing.
She felt stupid crying, she knew she couldn't change what had happened and that all the crying in the world wouldn't actually make her feel any better, even so she still couldn't stop. She got angry at herself and pushed out sharp breathes to bring herself back.
Eventually, the crying subsided and she was able to gain control, just as she always did, she re-focused her attention, putting all her efforts into creating the perfect curry.
Sasha paced the sitting room, he knew she was still hurting, but didn't have a clue what to do about it. He had tried to talk – no good, he had tried to help her – no good, he had even tried to just be near her – but still no good. He didn't want to just blurt it out, he knew her well enough to know she would just push him away, he knew her so well in fact that he could envisage her crumbling, eventually. She had done just this when she hurt her back, telling everyone things were fine and finally cracking under the immense pressure. He didn't want that, weeks of secret agony before she let anyone understand and help, he hated that he didn't have a clue what to do, he wanted to force it out of her, make her cry, hit out, whatever it took for her to come to terms with it...Finally he sat down, thinking of ways to get her back, his mind was racing but nothing seemed right, he was totally lost,helpless.
The preparations for the curry were going well, she had filled three pans and now it was time to let them simmer. She had to keep her mind from wandering, so set about cleaning up, before she knew it she had all the cupboards out and was completely engaged in the mundane process. Usually she hated cleaning, but for now it was preventing her from dealing with the overwhelming feelings she had burred. She went to each cupboard, draws and finally finishing up on the fridge. She was scrubbing furiously at it and throwing almost everything in the trash, as she did she felt her blood boiling.
The angrier she was getting the louder the crashes and bangs were getting. It was driving her crazy, she couldn't do anything for long before she started thinking and working herself up, she didn't know why she couldn't control it and wanted it to just stop. Usually she would work her body to the limit, so hard that the pain would prevent her from thinking of anything else. She wasn't aloud to do that, she was still in pain and the Dr had told her under no circumstances was she to train – not even lightly. If training didn't work then spending time, intimately, with Sasha usually did! Not only did the Dr say no to that too, but she couldn't even look at him with out welling up. It was useless, nothing she usually did to help calm her could or had worked.
Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, he walked in expecting to see her working away, he fully intended to pull her in and get her to talk. Instead he was met with her slumped down, elbows on the table and head in her palms, breathing deeply.
It killed him to see her like this. He took a steadying breath before moving into comfort her, he knelt down beside her and softly laced her thigh. They stayed there motionless for a while before she shook her head, fighting the urge to let the pain take over her, "Don't".
This time he didn't listen, his hand reached up to meet her head and pulled her in close, allowing her to fall into the nape of his neck, as she did he could feel her melt beneath his hands. Her tears flowed freely as she allowed her hands to fall from her face to his chest.
He wrapped his hands further into her hair, easing the distance between them, "Its okay, I'm right here".
She pushed up and tried to break free from his powerful embrace "NO... don't"
He held firmly on to her, pulling her back into him.
She tried to force herself from him, "Please... let me go"
he shook his head and remained glued to the spot, he hated forcing her but it had to be done.
"let me go" she cried and pushed with more force "Please Sasha, please let me go"
Looking up to dismay any tears, praying he doesn't push her too far.
Finally she crashed back into his chest letting out all the tears she had been forcing back, as she did she wrapped both arms under his and pulled him as close as she could whilst sobbing uncontrollably. She needed to feel him, needed to have his complete body pressed against hers,without him she knew she couldn't get through this.
Eventually their breathing feel into a rhythmic pattern, slow and steadying, as if they were one being, fused together by pain. As the sobs dispersed, he knew she needed to finish it, get out what ever it was that she was holding back.
he pulled her chin up from the safety of his embrace, "Look at me.. please hunny"
she nodded and let out a new sob, "I can't"
He continued to guide her chin up to meet his, "Payson, please I need you to"
as she opened her eyes, sighing as new tears formed, she attempted to focus her eyes on him before sobbing, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry", painful tears sliding down her cheeks.
He dropped his forehead to meet hers.
She nodded to disagree, "Its all my fault...are babies gone because of me"
He pulled away, "STOP IT, this is not your fault".
Putting two hand around her face, forcing her to look at him again, "you have to stop...love, you couldn't have done anything about it".
She stared back at him through tear stained eyes, "you wanted the baby so much"
He couldn't deny it, "Yea, of course I did, but..." he sighed, thinking of how much he really wanted the little thing, "...its gone".
Her head bobbed to confirm she understood, as she opened her eyes to him she couldn't keep it back,"I want us to have a baby"
he closed his eyes fighting back his tears, "We will have, someday"
She didn't even allow his words to sink in, "No, I want one now".
Forcing back his own desires, "we can talk about that when the Dr says your okay" he smiled weakly.
That was enough for her, she sunk back into his arms.