Okita Souji was a difficult man, everyone knew that. She knew it but she didn't let herself get discouraged about it. He never really opened up to her. He never really understood... Why did he still enjoy her company? Why had he told her secrets that had been buried deep inside his heart for many years? Those questions were haunting her even in her dreams.
Why?
What kind of effect did she have on him? He bit his lip; it was too odd and he couldn't really realize the reason. She isn't anything special, she had suffered as he had, she had lost her family as he had, she is alone now, and she has been scarred by the wounds of the hardships she had to face. While he had been through the same things with different circumstances, he managed to understand that those could connect them somehow, but still, why did she care so much about him? Why was she holding his hand so tightly, tears streaming down her face as she looked at him in this broken state? What had he done to deserve her kindness? All this time he had only been making her suffer, and used her for his own reasons. He was terrible to the core and he knew it, but that was his nature. He couldn't change that just because he met her.
It was simply impossible. Only a very small number of people had tried to get close to him. When he was a child everyone pitied him and whispered, as he stood all alone looking at his parents' graves, his expression apathetic,his dark green eyes not bearing any emotion. It was like looking at two emeralds that had lost their glow.
He hated it when they pitied him. No one understood how much he was suffering but one man. He held out his hand to the lost child and slowly, as time passed by, he accepted it, They walked together in this road. He was so kind, and he would always help anybody who was in need- even if that meant being sleepless for many days straight, or having not enough money for a week, but he never gave up. That man lit up Souji's world and then as they stayed together for many years, he actually managed to open up more and more, but he still was a coward, hiding behind those cruel jokes and the cold grin that almost never left his face. He would never show his cards to anyone. But this group of people had managed to just barely become his friends, as they spent time together practicing and laughing. Slowly but steadily, they started to hold a special place in his heart. Oh, it took so many years for that to happen.
And then... the glass shattered. He bled, and he bled all alone... Wounds that never closed were still filled with that crimson liquid. He was gone. The only man who had really cared about him after his parents died. He was gone so quickly, and that was his downfall. He couldn't accept it, he just couldn't. It hurt so much! Oh, how many days he cried until his tears refused to run anymore! Nobody knew this weak side of him, and Okita intended to keep it that way.
Then, all of a sudden, the tables had turned completely, just by meeting her. He didn't want her to suffer so much... He regretted meeting the girl in the first place. She didn't deserve it. If it was him that had to pay this price, then so be it. He had committed so many sins. It was his work, so even if he had to endure all of this pain, he would take it without any complaints. He had done too much. Why was it that he was never punished?! At this very moment, he was doing something that many people did everyday, but they never really noticed how bad it really was. Using someone for his sake like this... It was awful.
He chuckled on the inside- why? It made made him feel even more guilty than before. "Damn it!" "Don't ask such stupid questions!" He wanted to yell, but he realized that doing so would be harsh, and this girl had done nothing but help him. Even so, that didn't stop him from thinking about it.
Oh, yes, that little son of a bitch really should be punished slowly and painfully after all those murders he did. Did this bastard find killing fun, or was he just downright crazy?
He blinked, then paused. He noticed something strange. As he looked back on their fight, something odd had happened towards the end. His memory of that time was rather blurry, which didn't make any sense.
He felt two fragile arms wrap around him after a bit, and warm, salty tears fell on his clothes. He looked up to see that she was now hugging him tightly, yet carefully, not touching the places where he was still injured. He couldn't help but feel a sting in his heart at that moment. What he was doing was wrong.
He knew he should stop, but he was too far gone to do that, sadly. It was too late to fix his mistakes, but there was one thing he was still able to do. He would try to make her see who he really was so she could be happy, away from him.
I'm not worth any of her kindness... She should be treated in a better way! She should be with someone who can actually make her feel happiness instead of pain. All I give is pain... He realized that the only thing he could do is cause pain for others, and that curse was slowly eating him on the inside. That's why he didn't return her gesture. He just let her cry those tears of relief for his sake, since he knew he wouldn't be able to cry ever again. After everything he'd been through, he felt he had very little emotion. Nothing really mattered to him anymore. A sad smile appeared on his lips. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Her soft brown eyes widened in surprise as soon as she heard him speak. She didn't answer, she merely smiled at him gently.
'I forgive you, Okita-San.' The words repeated over and over in her head, but were so misplaced as she didn't know the reason he was apologizing.
"Chizuru-chan."He whispered her name softly, as he suddenly felt that he should do something in return for her once. His hand reached out and caressed her hair gently as she cried against his chest.
People always say that he is cold, and he is, but deep inside in his heart, there is a bit of warmth that was never expressed. He was still seen as "a truly pitiable child" to everyone but Kondou-San, and now he was gone. He hated being pitied, yet he found he pitied himself. He decided to care for the girl, to pity her instead.
He whispered soothing words in her ears as she cried herself to sleep, still leaning against him. He softly kissed her forehead and wished her to sleep well.
He looked out of the window of his room, the wind whistling loudly and the leaves danced in the air slowly. His expression melted to apathy as his eyes closed. I'll never be good enough to stand by her side... That wasn't going to stop him.. A chuckle escaped his lips as he held her hand tightly. He whispered two words- two words that meant a lot, especially coming out of his mouth. These words were spoken so kindly and filled with emotion, he was surprised it was his voice.
"Thank you."
His heart was still cold as ice , yet a small fire was slowly getting stronger, and that's why he could still be with her.

The end of the chapter

I hope you like it ! I want to thank very much my beta SoujixMe for correcting my story! :DD I hope you will enjoy ~!