"I hope you don't think you can just quote Jane Austen and get out of this," Rain said when the twins and Neville left from detention. "You still have a lot of explaining to do for the past week."
"I believe you about Scabbers," Lupin replied simply.
"What does that have to do with you panicking that I would get pregnant..."
"Rightly so. It wouldn't take a genius to count the months and determine you were still my student when it happened."
"...then blaming me for our-"
"That was out of line, I admit. I could have stopped myself and I didn't."
"...then leaving me alone, hardly able to stand..."
"If I hadn't, I might have made that problem worse."
"...and then ignoring me!"
"I was overwhelmed!"
"So was I!" Rain huffed. "We could have talked but instead you pushed me away."
"There was no other choice."
"Because of a rat?"
He looked up in thought, carefully formulating an answer. "I'm sorry. It wasn't fair to criticize you as I did. Believe it or not, that very night as I walked trying to find the words to apologize, an event occurred which convinced me that you were right about Peter. I have devoted just about all of my energy to finding him before the dementors find Sirius. Please understand that a man's life is at stake."
"Well," Rain crossed her arms. "It's about time."
"And I'm trying to make up for all of it that I've lost. Outside of those sitting in my classes, the only person I've spoken to this week is Harry. I'm helping him with his patronus. Like you, he has horrible memories that replay in the dementors' presence. Given how fixated they are on him, the matter has become urgent."
She softened. "Does Harry know anything?"
"Not yet. And he won't until I can come up with that rat."
"You still should have come to me. I can speak to animals, you know. I could have helped you."
"The last time I asked for your help finding someone, we didn't do much searching."
Rain glared at him. "To be clear, you should be trying to make me less angry, not more."
"Look, I can't make you any promises, Rain, and I can't justify my behavior in a way that deserves your forgiveness, but neither can I seem to hide that I am completely and helplessly in love with you."
She stammered. "You...you are?"
"Though it may not matter in the end."
"Of course it matters! It's all that matters!"
"I did not expect anything that has happened between us to come into my life. Now that it has, I'm just trying to make sense of it. I'm trying to find a way for it to work when everything assures me it can't."
"Why can't it?"
Because I've exposed you to something terrible and you will never want to see me again once you know. I've stayed away, not just in the search for Peter, but because no part of me will resist you now, whether the moon be full, half, or new.
"Enough time spent with me explains all of what I am. Then you will see," he replied.
"Can you stop being ambiguous for one moment?"
"If the only thing I make clear, in this moment, is that I have a sincere, ardent, and uncontrollable attachment to you, and that I would never intentionally harm a single one of the generous bones in your body, it will be enough. All I ask is you remember that, whatever may come."
Rain put her bag on the floor. "What if we...tried again?" she asked, stepping forward. "Took our time and did things right?"
"That would be impossible."
"Why? If you love me, truly, then we can work through anything."
"I wish I could believe that."
"You think because of my age, I'm naive in saying so?" she asked.
"I hate to be the person in your life telling you that experience will teach you otherwise, but I will all the same."
"I won't hear it," Rain replied. "Not after everything that's happened. I can't help myself. I am incapable of putting my mind to anyone or anything else. No matter what I say I'd follow you anywhere without even stopping to think. Every feeling in me is repulsed by the idea of being separated from you and I don't care how rash or foolhardy I sound saying it. As long as we're being honest with each other I may as well confess that for every time you tell me it can't happen I say it must happen. There is no other choice, no alternative. It's not something I am deciding for myself but has been decided for me by something much more powerful than I can withstand."
The mark, that was what, Lupin thought. He believed it would only affect him, but clearly Rain was bound just as tightly by his act. He'd broken the skin and invaded her blood. Their draw would no longer restrict itself to emotions but have a chemical and physical response. Resistance was beyond the realm of possibility. He could already feel the urge in his feet to move forward. His own voice overpowered his rationality.
"I know what you mean," he admitted.
Relief swept over her. She took another step and put her hand on his chest. "Then what makes you think you can say or do anything to convince me otherwise?"
He sighed. "I have no idea."
The handle on the classroom door turned. Quick as lightning, Rain pulled out her wand and blasted him. Lupin lay on the floor several yards away by the time Neville strolled inside.
"Good, very good!" Lupin said, sitting up. "I feel safe saying you've mastered that spell, Rain."
"Thanks for helping me, Professor," she said.
"I've just come for my notebook," Neville said. "I left it by the window."
"Here it is," Rain replied, finding it.
"The Head Boy and Girl are starting to do their rounds. Do you want to walk back to the common room with me?" he said, putting his notebook in his bag.
"Oh. Yes. Of course. I suppose I should," Rain said, picking up her own bag and looking at Lupin disappointingly.
"Good night, Professor," Neville called as he walked through the door.
"Good night, Neville," Lupin said, getting to his feet.
Rain followed Neville through the doorway but turned and caught his eye before disappearing. After everything, wishing each other a good night seemed entirely redundant.
That evening Lupin wandered to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He had no idea what to do. He loved Rain, but the only pieces she loved back were the few he'd allowed to show. If he could just find Peter and be free to tell her the truth. He would rather live honestly with the consequences than continue to lie with rewards. So many problems floated in his head that instead of sitting and working them through, his mind decided to shut down. A walk may help put things in order.
He looked at the trees and the stars. "Padfoot!" he called. "If you're there, if you can hear me, I know the truth!"
The wind swished a ways above him and he saw a dementor hovering past as it patrolled the grounds. His hand rested on the wand in his pocket.
In the distance, over the sounds of crickets and owls, a bark echoed once, then again twice more.
Rain found Violet in the common room next to the fire and sat beside her on the couch. Most everyone had gone up to bed.
"I think it might be time," Violet said. She checked around her and leaned closer to Rain. "With Oliver."
In any other state, Rain would sit up excitedly and pester her friend for details, but she only hugged a pillow. "Just be wholly certain beforehand."
"It's been almost five months. We're running out of other things to do."
"Do you mean to say, you've gone through his entire quidditch playbook and are now ready to score a goal?" Rain asked.
"I love quidditch and I still hate that you just said that."
"Seriously though, be careful. You'd think sex would make things easier but it can sometimes complicate them more."
"I doubt I want to know where this opinion is coming from."
"Trust me, you don't."
Judging by the lack of news the following weeks, Rain assumed Lupin had yet to find Peter. He'd paid for taking time off from office hours so close to exams. Leagues of students stayed to ask him questions after class every day, so she didn't bother trying.
One Friday night, the universal break period for teacher and student, she knocked on his door. The mountains had tucked the sun away behind them and only a soft blue grey light remained in the sky.
"Can I come in?" she asked.
He was just getting ready to blow out the lantern atop his desk and walk up the stairs to his room.
"You should be in bed," he replied.
Rain stepped forward but she wasn't alone. Trailing behind her was Crookshanks.
"If you can't find Scabbers inside the castle, we will have to look outside it. Crookshanks can sense and track him much easier than we can. It may take a while but it's better than a blind search."
"I can't let you do that. It's too dangerous."
"I'm not afraid. You'll be with me. It's as you said, a man's life is at stake."
Lupin looked at his cloak draped over his chair.
"One hour. If the cat smells nothing we return."
They extinguished the lights in the office and the classroom, locking the door and crossing the corridors with little sound.
"If Severus finds me doing this I'm in for it."
"He doesn't seem to like you much. I mean, that's normal for him, but usually with teachers he is more pleasant."
"We go back. He has a grudge, and if I'm honest, it isn't unjustified. But that's a story for another time."
Late spring in the Scottish countryside didn't bring warm evenings. The last of winter's chill still blew over them as a reminder that it would not pass quietly in defeat. They crossed the lawns at a quicker speed.
"The last place Crookshanks saw Scabbers was here, so that's where we'll start," Rain said, pointing after the cat who was already between two trees and trudging further into the forest.
As they walked and inspected each shadow and call of the wild, Rain thought of something.
"Do you maybe want to talk to Sirius?"
Lupin stopped.
"Crookshanks knows where he is. He can lead us there."
"I...I'm not sure that I'm ready for that," Lupin replied.
"Whether you're ready or not it's bound to happen the day we find the rat. It could very well be tonight."
"I know," he said. He began walking again in silence before he continued. "Something you must realize is that I should never have believed Sirius capable of bringing harm to James and Lily. I knew better than to think there was any earthly reward Sirius would accept in place of his friends. Many of us outside of James had little connections with our families. Coming to Hogwarts, meeting each other, living in the same house, we found a bond that never shook. Peter was quiet, and he had a tendency to follow the strongest in the pack. For many years that was James and Sirius and we foolishly mistook it for loyalty. I should have known. I should have known as soon as I heard the terrible news that Peter, and not Sirius, was at fault. The amount of repulsion Sirius held for the values of his family and blood purists should have silenced even the strongest of my doubts. I couldn't begin to ask for his forgiveness. I don't warrant it."
Rain reached between them and took hold of his hand in hers.
"I don't think Sirius will blame you."
Lupin looked at their laced fingers. She could tell the contact made him uncertain. Instead of telling her why they mustn't before promptly breaking her grasp, he relaxed each knuckle and finger. He slowed his step and allowed her to walk more easily beside him.
"I'm sorry," she said.
He turned to her. "For what?"
"I pestered you before. I didn't realize. Now that I do, I can't imagine how dreadful you must have felt when everything came to light."
"Don't apologize, Rain. Don't you dare think of it."
They walked further before Rain added.
"And when I spoke to Sirius, he held no grudge against you. Outside of his appearance, I wouldn't have guessed he'd just spent over a decade in the presence of dementors. I'll bet when the two of you are reunited it'll be as if no time has passed at all."
The last quidditch match of the season fell on a perfectly radiant Saturday. As Rain gazed at the flags ahead, she realized that this might be the final game she would ever see at Hogwarts. As much as she anticipated her and Violet's endeavors together exploring the magical forests of Europe and beyond, she envied the younger students and their security of at least one more year at the castle. She also couldn't help but wonder what in the name of Merlin would happen between her and Lupin once school no longer brought them together. Would he finally give her the commitment she wanted, or had their conversation only smoothed the waters until he decided they must separate for good? Like he said, he hadn't made any promises. After their search for Scabbers he saw her back to the portrait, bid her goodnight, and nothing more. Since telling her he loved her they'd acted more like friends than anything, but a steady friendship was progress compared to the ups and downs from before. Rain cherished the moments she caught him watching her, or the times he picked her book up when she dropped it or heard him humming the melody to "Parting Glass." She just didn't know where to go or what to say next.
Rain stopped below the bleachers to wish Violet luck. The Gryffindor team huddled around Oliver as he instructed Harry, "So you must catch it only if we're more than fifty points up...only if we're more than fifty points up, Harry, or we win the match but lose the Cup. You've got that, haven't you? You must catch the snitch only if we're..."
"I KNOW, OLIVER!"
Rain caught Violet's eye and they gave each other amused grins, then she climbed the stairs to sit with her house. Most of the school wore red and gold, as they unanimously supported Gryffindor over the green and silver of Slytherin. The stakes were high and every student and faculty member attended the match, even Hagrid. Hermione had convinced him to come to lift his spirits about Buckbeak.
"Are you saving this seat for anyone?" Lupin asked, appearing next to Rain.
Butterflies fluttered violently in her stomach. She shook her head.
"I thought you couldn't choose favorites," she said when he sat, pointing to his Gryffindor scarf.
"That was when we played Hufflepuff. With Slytherin, it's different story."
Rain laughed. She tapped her knees with her hands. With so many people around, they would have to keep their conversation to small talk.
"Are you ready for your final exams?" he asked.
That's when she thought of an idea. "I think I am, though I believe my...patronus needs more practice."
"Really?" he asked, not quite catching on. "It looked perfect."
"Yes, but you've only seen it the one time, in your classroom."
The light went on. His mouth opened slowly and he eyed her beside him. "Your...patronus was lovely."
"But how do I know for sure?"
"Take my word for it. I've seen plenty and there are none to rival yours."
She smiled, but a fume promptly replaced it. "Wait. How many exactly?"
Madam Hooch blew her whistle and the game began. Gryffindor got an early lead and, as such, Slytherin resorted to its usual dirty tactics to make up for lost points. Their cheating only granted Gryffindor one penalty shot after another. Once they finally had a fifty point lead, Harry brought his Firebolt to life and caught the snitch. The stands erupted. The whole Gryffindor house poured onto the field to congratulate the team and especially Oliver, who could have cried from happiness. His final year and he'd won the cup at last.
"Party at The Three Broomsticks!" he yelled.
Rain turned and rushed to Hogsmeade to warn Rosmerta and Allison that their busiest afternoon was upon them. Gryffindors would know how to mark an occasion such as this.
"No, that goes to table three," Rain called after Allison. "Table THREE!" she repeated when the barmaid still went the wrong direction.
"Fifty firewhiskeys!" Oliver shouted, leaning over the bar. "One for every point!"
"You've had enough," Rain replied.
A glass broke in the distance and Rain charmed the broom to fly across the room and clean it up. People had to duck out of its way.
"Let him have one more," Violet called. "It's his last victory as captain."
Not according to what you've told me, Rain thought. "Fine, but he's your responsibility," she said, and charmed a bottle towards him.
The broom and dustpan returned and dropped the shards of glass on the counter. "Reparo!" she said and the glass reformed. Then she took it to the sink to wash. When she had second to breathe, she tried to clean off the crumbs and stains gathering on her dress, then looked at Hagrid slumped at a table by the window. She approached gingerly.
"Hagrid, is there anything I can get you?"
He shook his head, taking a sip from the largest mug the bar owned. Rain returned to the counter and saw Lupin sit beside him, putting his hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture. She went into the kitchen.
"Rose, cover me a moment. There is something important I need to do."
Rain dug in the cupboards for Rosmerta's cookbook and gathered some ingredients. A short while later she emerged with a plate and delivered it to Hagrid's table.
"I made these for you." He didn't answer. She and Lupin looked at each other. "They're pepperup cookies," she added.
"Rain, can ya sit down a moment?" he slurred.
She pulled out a chair and sat across from him.
"There's somethin' I'd like you to tell Buckbeak. From me."
"All right," she said.
"Tell 'im he's a good hippogriff."
Rain nodded, feeling her heart sink. The happy spirit of the party around them slowly ebbed.
"And tell 'im...tell 'im I'm sorry. It was my fault for bringin' him around people who wouldn't understand him. He did nothin' wrong and he won't know why he's in trouble." Hagrid took another gulp. "He's been sittin' in that pumpkin patch, probly dyin' to fly and hunt and do all the things a free hippogriff ought to do, because a pure blood wizard decided he wudn't worthy of some common respect. Lucius Malfoy's puttin' an animal to death for wantin' to be treated better than the vermin he steps on. Tell 'im I did everything I could, but it wudn't enough against such hatred. Terrible...terrible man."
Rain's eyes grew hot imagining the look of fear in Buckbeak's when she shared Hagrid's message. How could she explain that he was about to be executed simply for living his life as a hippogriff should? How awful it would be. The intolerance of her own kind shamed her. She swallowed down the compressed feeling in her throat, then tried her hardest to sound strong.
"Yes, of course I will, Hagrid."
She faked a smile and walked numbingly away from the table to the staircase and leaned on it, trying to regain herself. Catching Allison's arm, she told the barmaid she needed to take a break. Rain climbed each exhausting step and closed herself in her room. In solitude she grieved and let her tears fall freely, rubbing her eyes with her hands.
She was startled by a shifting noise. Lupin came through her door and closed it behind him.
"I'm fine, I just..." but she couldn't finish. The words weren't moving from their place in her heart up into her mouth.
"You've been set with a difficult task, more than I think Hagrid realizes in his present state," he said. "I can only imagine how you dread it."
"I wouldn't want to know if I was about to die," Rain said. "I wouldn't want anyone to tell me the future. It makes people think that their choices no longer affect their outcome; that things will happen only one way no matter what they do to change them."
"Some predictions, though, are very reliable."
"Such as yours about us?" she asked.
"I can't seem to predict anything about us anymore. Like you, I am entirely guided by the acute feelings I have no control over."
"Feelings which prompted you to follow me?"
"Picked me up and threw me after you would describe them better."
"I'm glad you did. I want you to stay," she said. "But I won't ask you to. I won't persuade you as I did the first time. What happens next will be entirely your choice."
Lupin walked to the door. She thought he was going to leave, but he reached up and turned the lock.
"Then I only have myself to blame for what I'm about to do," he answered.
Rain nervously watched him set his belongings on her dresser and approach her. Bending down, he lifted her in his arms and brought her to the bed, setting her atop it and switching the lantern off. The only light in the room came from the street lamps out the window. He leaned down on his hands, bringing his face close to hers.
"Just...say you forgive me first," he said.
"For what?" she asked.
"Please. Say it."
She would have agreed anything he wanted. "I forgive you."
He tucked her hair behind her ear, letting his hand rest on her neck a moment while he looked at her. He dipped down and kissed her once, slowly, and as he brought his body over hers he went faster, deeper.
Lupin pushed her dress up over her head and tossed it to the floor. He removed her clothes first and then his own, knowing that, without the light, she wouldn't see the faded scars on his chest from his years as a student confined to the Shrieking Shack. When she tried to touch the more brutalized areas around his waist he lifted her hands above her head and pinned them down as he brought his lips to her breasts. Her fingernails slid down through his disheveled hair as he traveled over her stomach and hips, hooking her legs over his shoulders.
"I'm going to take my time...and do things right," he said.
When she realized what he meant, Rain almost told him to stop. She'd heard of this but never experienced it for herself, convinced she lacked enough courage to allow it. But as soon as his mouth made contact between her thighs, any thoughts of protest deadened. The feeling of such intimacy made her instinctively shift beneath him but the thrill of every flick of his tongue pulled her back, wordlessly and hungrily begging for more. Something grew in the pit of her stomach whose roots traveled up, coiling around her spine and over her legs and into the follicles of her hair making it stand on end. She was paralyzed on the outside, but inside, life pulsed into her veins, starting from her feet and reaching up to her head. Trickling, pouring, ready to break, then suddenly shattering, screaming, wringing the breath right out of her lungs, wanting to kick him away from the intensity of it but ready to die if it ended.
The fog rolled in and clouded her mind. While she lay in this state coming down from her high, Lupin pushed her legs apart and rocked into her. This time she felt no pain; her body welcomed his. He lifted her hips higher and returned her to the sensation of flying and falling at the same time. She clung to him for all she was worth, digging her fingernails in the skin over his arms and back and matching his rhythm. His chest rubbed against hers, their sweat mixed and he swelled larger, moving faster, getting closer.
"Say it again, Marayna. Say you forgive me."
She kissed him. "I forgive you."
His attempts to kiss her back were broken when his lips parted and his voice shuttered. Incoherent words drifted into her ear but she understood him perfectly. His mouth grazed her shoulder where he'd bitten her before. His thrusts slowed and lingered longer within her, and when he had nothing left to give she relaxed on her pillow and guided his head to her chest, closing her eyes.
"I never want to do this with anyone else," she muttered.
I feel certain you never will, he thought.