Disclaimer: All publicly recognised characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. The plot and any characters added in are mine.
Some of you are wondering why I don't just update every day and the reason is I don't have TIME to update every day. Most of the time I get in from work and collapse. I don't even get on the laptop most days, so you'll have to bear with me for a while longer. Things at work should be levelling out soon, so updates should become less sporadic.
Another A/N at the end.
Edward
Telling Bella about my illness was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. I hadn't expected her to accept it in the way she had. After all, she knew about the pain of losing someone to cancer already. Not that I'd rate myself as high as her cousin but I hoped I ranked as someone she cared about.
Because I certainly cared about her.
I knew that I had to tell her about my relapse because Bella being Bella would have figured it out sooner or later. She knew the signs for cancer and therapy, so it wouldn't have been easy to hide.
It's a miracle that I'd managed to hide it from the people of Forks for this long as it was.
I made my way through the ward, towards Tanya's room. There was a girl in there already, talking to her. She was wearing a hospital gown so I guessed she was one of the patients I hadn't really seen around before.
I knocked on the doorframe and both of them turned to look at me. Tanya grinned – well as much as she could – nodding for me to come in. The other girl didn't look too happy with me being there as she sat on the chair, giving me the stink eye. What the hell had I done to her? Had I interrupted some deep and meaningful conversation?
Well, I have best friend bragging rights, so there.
"Hey, Eddie." I scowled at Tanya and she smiled at me again, knowing she'd get away with it. "What are you doing here?"
"I need to talk to you." I said softly and she immediately looked worried. "Oh, sorry. Jane, this is Edward. Edward this is Jane. She's new on the ward."
"Hi." I gave her a small smile to which she stared back icily.
"Hello." Her voice was high and she glared at me again, obviously wanting me to leave.
"Jane . . . um . . . could you . . .?" Tanya glanced at the door and Jane sighed, obviously put out at being kicked out. She got up, not even acknowledging my presence as she leaned over and gave Tanya a hug.
"I'll come and see you later." She said the 'later' part in a rather pointed way. As if she was trying to snub me by rubbing it in that I wasn't allowed on the ward for much longer.
She really was new around here, wasn't she?
"What the hell was that about?" I asked, nodding towards the door. Tanya sighed, shaking her head. I got up and closed the door, not wanting anyone to overhear the conversation. I mean, it wasn't something that was going to be private for very long but that wasn't the point.
"What's going on, Eddie?" She looked tired and worn and part of me didn't want to tell her what was going on but I knew I had to. After all, I would be taking up residence on the ward again for a little while next week. She seemed to have guessed by the look in my eyes as she inhaled deeply. "It's come back, hasn't it?" I nodded, feeling her fingers wrapping around mine. "Oh, Eddie."
"It's okay." I said softly, squeezing her fingers gently. "It'll be alright."
"When did you find out?"
"A couple of days ago." I chuckled once, showing her my cast. She hadn't seemed to have noticed it when I walked in. Nor did she notice the stitches on my forehead. "I had a fight with my stairs." I told her, answering her silent question.
"How many times have I told you not to get into arguments with your house?" She rolled her eyes as though it was an everyday occurrence. I knew someone it was an everyday occurrence for but it wasn't me.
"It wasn't my fault." I argued and she shook her head gently. "Anyway, they took some blood samples when I was admitted and that's how they found out."
"When?"
I knew what she was asking and it was the thing we all dreaded. When did I start chemo? "Next week."
"It sucks."
"Don't we know it?" She smiled again, her eyes closing slowly. "I'll let you get some sleep. I need to find my dad, anyway."
"Okay." She whispered softly, probably not even having heard me properly. "Love you, Eddie-bear."
"Love you, Tawny." I whispered back, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
I quietly made my way out of the room, closing the door behind me. I smiled at Maggie who was just finishing off her shift and making her last rounds. I motioned that Tanya was asleep and she gave me a thumbs up. I looked out across the ward to see the girl, Jane and another girl I knew as Renata talking. Renata had come in with lung cancer after growing up in a house where her mother, father and two older brothers smoked nonstop. None of them had any problems and yet she was the one that fell victim to cancer.
I could see the discomfort in Renata's position as she sat across from Jane. She looked over to me, a worried look on her face and I wondered what was up. I took a few steps closer to hear that Jane was talking about me. Or rather, bitching about me.
"I mean, he's not even sick . . . why the hell is he always up here?" From the look on Renata's face this wasn't the first time she'd posed this question. She shook her head the tiniest amount, her shoulders moving ever so slightly. I knew she was telling me that she didn't know what the hell she was going on about. "I get that he's Tanya's friend but don't you think that he should you know . . . back off and let someone that knows what she's going through help her through it. I mean, yeah, he might have been by her side for a while or whatever, but he can't know."
"Is that so?" She turned to look at me, her face stunned for a moment before it smoothed out into the icy look I'd received earlier. "And why are you up here, Jane?"
"What's it to you?" She sniped and I wondered why she was up here. Before I could make a complete ass out of myself and seem like an insensitive prick I bit my tongue, not allowing myself to stoop that low. She was trying to bait me and it wasn't going to work.
"I was just wondering what makes you so certain that you can be there for Tanya in a way that I can't." I sighed, shaking my head. "I mean, you don't know me you don't know anything about me. Obviously you're a patient here considering the rather fetching hospital gown and matching bracelet but what could you possibly know about me?" She stared at me dumbly and I wondered how much this girl had actually thought through before shooting her mouth off. "Well?"
"I . . . I, uh . . ." She shook her head, looking up at me. "Well, look at you. You're completely healthy. There's no reason for you to be up here."
"No reason, huh?" She hadn't listened to a word I'd just said, had she? "You should know, just by being up here that how you look has no bearing on anything. You say I look healthy, yeah? So . . . if I look healthy you wouldn't guess that I've been a frequent visitor to this ward since I was four? That I suffer from APL? That I've just relapsed? Would you have thought any of that looking at me? Clearly, because you thought I was just a visitor the answer is no. Don't assume. You're most probably wrong."
With that I turned around, not wanting to bother with the stupid girl anymore. If she thought that she could undermine me and question why I was on the ward, she had another thing coming.
I know that wasn't the right attitude to have when in oncology but still, no one was going to undermine my relationship with Tanya and my state of health when it came to this place.
. . . . . . . . .
I sighed, resting my head back on the pillow of the hospital bed that would be my home for the near future. I closed my eyes as my mom grasped my hand. She hated that we were here again and being honest, it wasn't really something I was too thrilled about either.
"It'll be okay, honey." She whispered, pressing a kiss to my temple, her fingers running through my hair. "It'll be alright."
"You really think so?" I asked, turning to look at her. Her expression was stern, yet her eyes were watering as she nodded. She believed that I was going to be okay. She held her every hope on it. Some part of me was glad that I wasn't going to be around when they told her that it wasn't enough this time. That I hadn't made it.
Purely because I didn't think I could see her in that much pain.
"Hey, Edward." I looked over to see Maggie making her way towards me. "How're you doing?"
"As well as can be expected." I sighed and she gave me a small smile, placing a bowl next to me on the bed. She checked the IV that held the drugs that would hopefully send me back into remission. They had told us that they wanted to try something different if this round of chemo was ineffective.
Arsenic.
Not something my mother was terribly impressed with.
I wasn't either but you know.
"Don't forget, that's there when you need it." Maggie indicated the bowl next to me and I nodded. Of course I would need it. Chemo always left me feeling sick and more often than not, what I had eaten would always come up. Not pleasant but true.
I knew the drugs were in my system when I started to feel nauseous. They took the IV out, leaving the needle in my hand for my next dosage and I sat up on the bed, leaning sideways against the pillow. I pulled the sleeves of the oversized sweater I always wore when I had to stay in the hospital over my hands, minding the needle in my left hand. I wrapped my arms around myself, closing my eyes, wanting this to be over already. I hated this place with a vengeance.
"How're you feeling, baby?" My mom sat down next to me, running her fingers through my hair.
"Shit." I mumbled and she sighed, pressing a kiss to my hair.
"Hey," I looked up to see Bella standing in the doorway to my room, looking a little nervous. "Your dad said I could come through. How're you doing?"
"I've been better." I sighed and she smiled, sitting down in the chair next to the bed.
"I'm just going to run and get something to eat." My mom said softly, kissing my temple. "Do either of you want anything?"
Bella shook her head, giving my mom a small smile. "Yes," she looked at me expectantly. "For you not to mention food."
"Sorry, honey." Clearly my mom trusted Bella because normally she never left my side when I was going through treatments. I wondered how Bella was even able to come back here today. I mean, she'd been here a couple of times when I'd come to see Tanya, but that was it.
"You're wondering how I got in here, aren't you?" I nodded and she chuckled gently. "Your dad. He basically told the nurses that they were to let me in whenever I came up here. He told them to let the other shifts know that as well. I guess your dad likes me."
"Are you kidding?" I breathed, shaking my head. "Both of my parents love you." She looked at me sceptically and I nodded. "They do. I think they kind of see you as the daughter they never had."
"What's with the bowl?" She asked, confused and changing the subject quite neatly if you ask me.
"Stick around long enough and you'll find out." She raised an eyebrow at me and I shook my head. "You really don't want to know."
"I think I might have an idea."
"Well, that just takes the surprise out of it, doesn't it?" She chuckled, grinning at me as she shook her head. She sat back in the chair and crossed her legs, watching me with a sad expression on her face. "Good to know I've not lost my sense of humour, huh?"
"That it is." She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "How long do they reckon you're going to be in here for?"
"I have no idea." I shook my head, hating the uncertainty. "As long as it takes, I guess."
"Are you always inpatient?"
I shook my head slowly. "Generally for the first couple of days, yeah, I am but after that I can go home. I just have to come in for regular appointments and to continue dialysis." She nodded slowly, looking down at the floor. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing." She still didn't look at me and I knew there was something more going on. Her eyes flicked up to mine and she sighed, seeing me watching her. "I just . . . I hate this disease so much. I mean . . . how many lives can it destroy?" Her voice was nothing more than a whisper yet it was filled with pain, agony and anger. I hated that I was putting her through this again. First her cousin and now . . .
"Too many." I whispered back and she nodded, giving me a small smile. It didn't reach her eyes and I knew she was thinking about her cousin. She fingered the locket before looking at me again.
"You're gonna be alright." She, like my mother, sounded so certain about that and I wasn't so sure. I didn't answer and she sighed, moving to sit next to me on the bed. How was it something as simple as that was able to make me feel like I really was going to be okay? There was something about her that made me stop and think.
"Hey, kids." We both turned to see my dad standing in the doorway. "How're you feeling, son?"
"Oh, you know. The same as-" I stopped, feeling my stomach lurch turning away from Bella as my lunch decided it was going to make an appearance. She didn't move away or anything as my stomach emptied itself into the bowl. "Sorry." I mumbled as my dad took the bowl and Bella handed me some tissues. I wiped my mouth and she felt around for something in her bag.
"What are you sorry for?" She asked as she inspected the inside of her bag. She made a triumphant noise as she pulled something small out of her bag. I saw that it was a packet of gum and she handed me one. "It's not your fault. It's not something you can control. Don't worry about it."
"Thank you." I said softly, unwrapping the gum. I knew she understood that I was saying thank you for more than just the gum she'd given me. She didn't have to be here, yet she was, putting up with all the unpleasantness that went with chemotherapy.
"Don't worry about it." She smiled at me, brushing her fingers through my hair gently. "There's nothing you can do about it." She looked at my hair longingly and I wondered what that was about. "Going to have to say goodbye to this, aren't we?" I nodded and she mocked sniffed. She placed her hands on either side of my face and tipped my head slightly, burying her nose in my hair. "I'm going to miss you." I couldn't help but laugh as my dad chuckled. She grinned as she pressed a kiss to my cheek. "At least I got you to smile."
"You do a lot more than make me smile." I whispered and the smile that lit up her face could rival Times Square on New Year's Eve. I hoped she felt the same way about me that I did about her. She was becoming a permanent fixture in my life and I didn't think I would have it any other way now.
"Charlie knows you're sick, doesn't he?" She whispered as my dad made his way out of the room. I nodded and she sighed. "I knew there was a reason for it." I didn't think I was supposed to hear it but I did. And me being me had to question it.
"Reason for what?" She looked surprised at my question and she sighed.
"First of all, sit back on those pillows." She told me and I had a flashback of my mother telling me the same thing the last time I was in here. "You look like you're about to keel over any moment."
"Gee, thanks." I rolled my eyes but did as she asked. I didn't want her to worry too much about me. I settled back onto the pillows and she pulled the blanket up over me. "Looks like my mom can retire as my carer now."
"Don't be silly." She laughed, sitting back on the edge of the bed. "Now you just have two of us to look after you." I couldn't help but smile at the thought. I wasn't so sure I wanted Bella to look after me, as it were, but knowing that she cared enough about me to consider it was enough.
"And you stop avoiding the question." I wasn't stupid. I knew what she was doing. She had done it a couple of times before when there was a question she didn't want to answer. I had quickly figured out that the best way to get something out of her was to tickle her but obviously, that option was out of the question at the moment. I would just have to settle for good old hassling at this point. "There's a reason for what?"
"Well, um . . . the last couple of weeks, well, probably the last month or so, Charlie's always had this sad look on his face when you're mentioned." She sighed and I wondered when she would ever mention me. "Like, when you didn't pick me up the other night or whenever. It's only there for a second and then it's gone but I've been wondering what it was about. I guess I know now, right?" I nodded and she sighed. "When did he find out?"
"A while ago." I looked down at the blanket on my bed, playing with the threads that had come loose. "He came to my house the day that school was out, you remember?" She nodded and I sighed, looking away from her again. "He wanted to know why . . . why I lied about being a volunteer here."
"Yeah, I kinda guessed that you weren't when you told me . . ." I nodded slowly, hating the fact that I'd lied to her in the first place. The logical side of my brain told me that I'd done what I had to at the time but the side of my brain that was slowly being taken over by everything Bella Swan was constantly telling me I was an idiot. "Stop it." I shook my head and raised an eyebrow at her. "I know what you're doing. You're berating yourself for lying to me. Don't be angry at yourself for it. I understand. You didn't know me. There was no reason for you to trust me at that point." She gently took my hand in hers, her fingers wrapping around mine and squeezing, all the time being mindful of the needle in the back of my hand. "I hope you trust me now."
"More than you can imagine." I whispered and she smiled at me, tears pooling in her eyes. "Anyway, Charlie came to rip me a new one, as you can imagine." She chuckled dryly muttering something about Charlie being an 'overprotective idiot' and shaking her head. "I'm not entirely sure how it came about but it just came out. I think your dad learned a lot more than he wanted to that day."
"I can imagine." She whispered softly. "Charlie's the type of guy that takes things at face value. Everything is black and white to him. I think that comes from his being Chief." I nodded, looking up at her. She had a troubled expression on her face and it kind of worried me.
"What?"
"I, um . . ." She took a breath, closing her eyes. "There's something that I'm kind of having trouble understanding."
"What?" I asked again, wondering what she was on about.
"Charlie . . . he, um . . . he arrested you for possession, right?" I nodded, realising where this was going. "Were you actually high? Because I don't understand how you would . . . not . . . even drink soda – which I still need to collect on by the way," I laughed because of all things she would remember that silly bet, "or eat at the diner and yet . . . you'd get high? I don't understand that."
I took a deep breath, shaking my head. "No, I wasn't high." She let out a breath and a look of relief passed across her face. "You're right. I wouldn't do that and I haven't done that. But I guess your dad has friends down in La Push and their kids get a free ride. I was the dumbass that got done for something I didn't even do."
"That's wrong." She whispered and I silently agreed.
"Like you said, your dad sees things in black and white. To him, he law is the law and that's the way it is. I was the one that got caught with it and yet I hadn't even touched it. I don't even know how I had it. It was the others that were smoking it."
"They can be sneaky fuckers when they want to be." There was anger in her voice and I had to admit it scared me a little. For such a small person, she could throw her weight around a bit. And me being in a weakened state at the moment wasn't really giving me much confidence. The pain in my hand was enough to show that.
"Bella?" I called softly, trying to extricate my hand from hers but I don't think she heard me. "Ow."
She seemed to snap back into reality as she looked down at our hands. Her grip loosened immediately as she bit her lip. "I'm so sorry, Edward."
"It's alright." I flexed my hand a little, making sure the blood flow was alright before giving her a small smile. "But you've got one hell of a grip." She shrugged sheepishly, a blush decorating her pale cheeks. "It's alright. No harm done."
"You say that now." She rested her hand on my leg, sighing gently. She knew how easily I could bruise and she had been wary ever since she'd found the fingerprint bruises around my wrist at my house. I hated how tentative she was around me. "So . . . when he pulled you over . . ."
"I wasn't under the influence of anything other than codeine." I told her and she laughed gently. "I don't know where he got 'under the influence' from but . . . it's just one of those things, right?"
"It all goes on your record." She whispered and I laughed.
"Yeah, a juvie record that gets wiped clean when I turn eighteen in less than two months." She stopped, thinking before nodding. "It's alright. I know the truth, so do my parents and now you do as well. I don't care what anyone else thinks."
She was silent for a moment, seeming to think things over. "You care about what I think?" Her words were quiet, tentative as she looked up at me, her chocolate eyes shining with anticipation.
"Of course I do." I whispered as she gave me a bright smile. "You're the first person other than my parents and Tanya to actually see me as a real person. People at school see me as an asshole jerk not worth bothering about and even in here, to the staff all I am is another patient. There are so many of us in here it's hardly surprising."
"Well, to me, you're not an asshole jerk and you're not just anyone else, either." She reached up, brushing a few strands of hair out of my eyes and I gave her a smile. "You're someone extremely strong and amazing. I don't know how you've managed to come through this, Edward. I don't think I could have."
I let out a breath, looking at her again. She didn't meet my eyes and I wondered what was going through her mind. "I think . . . it takes more strength to be the healthy one."
"You do?"
"Yeah," I nodded, thinking about my mom and how she'd had to deal with so much shit because of my illness. "I mean, being the sick one, it's plain and simple. You're sick. That's all there is to it. Yeah, you might be in pain but somewhere, in your head you learn to deal with that because there's no other way to do it. But being the one that's healthy . . . it's so much harder. I mean, being there wanting to help the person you care about, person you love and yet not being able to do anything. Wanting to take away their pain but knowing they have to do that themselves or you have to rely on someone else to make that happen. I don't know if I could do that."
"Don't you see?" She smiled gently, leaning backwards a little, resting her hands on the other side of my legs. "You already have. For a long time."
"Huh?" I have?
"Tanya." She whispered and I understood. She was right. I had been on both sides of it and while ideally I'd like to be on neither, I knew which side of the fence I would rather be on. "You're amazing with her. That's one of the reasons you're so strong because you know what it's like to be in her position and yet you're there for her."
"She's my best friend." I whispered, meeting her eyes. "I don't have a choice."
"I know." She smile was small, kind, tentative as she linked our fingers again. She wrinkled her nose as she looked at my hand and I couldn't help but wonder. She must have noticed my raised eyebrow because she shook her head, chuckling gently. "Needles. I can't stand them. I know, I know, it's odd seeing as I've spent so much time in hospitals right?" I nodded, feeling a smile spreading across my own face. "I don't know, I just can't stand them."
"I don't even notice them anymore." I said and her expression shifted to one of sadness. "It's alright. It means that I don't have to be weirded out every time a nurse or doctor comes in brandishing one."
"So instead of running you're one of the ones that holds out their arm and tells them to get on with it while still doing whatever it is they're doing?" She asked and I nodded. That had been the situation more than once. I had been sat on the hospital bed, reading a magazine or watching television or doing something and the nurse had come in needing a sample so I had just stuck my arm out for her. They were used to it as well considering being poked and prodded by needles was an everyday occurrence around here. "Freak." She muttered and I laughed. She grinned back at me, seeming genuinely happy.
"Come here." I held out – well, tried to – my hand for her to move up next to me. She looked a little wary at first but I gave her a smile and she moved, settling next to me. She sat slightly higher up that I was and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I was sure it was supposed to be the other way around but I was comfortable at that point so I didn't really care.
I closed my eyes, resting my head on her shoulder as her fingers played with my hair and I couldn't remember being this relaxed in a while. Sure I might have been lying in a hospital bed, hazardous drugs pumping through my system at the moment and everything but I didn't really care about that. I didn't care about the beeping machines attached to me in some way or another. I didn't care about the chattering nurses that walked by the room at measured intervals, sometimes sticking their heads in to make sure everything was alright and that I wasn't wanting for anything. I didn't care that that Jane girl had seen I was in here and was again, giving me the stink-eye. I think that might have been from the way I had spoken to her a few days prior though. Not that she could doubt why I was in here now.
All I really cared about was the fact that I was here with Bella. That she hadn't run away when I'd told her I was sick. I remembered her asking about what to tell her friends. She insisted that they were 'our' friends but I didn't want to assume something that wasn't there.
She sat there, sniffing gently as I told her about having relapsed. There were tears welling in her eyes as she processed what I'd told her. No one should have to live through going through leukaemia twice. I mean, yeah her cousin would have meant more to her than I did, but having to deal with all of that again, it's too much for one person to deal with.
"Edward?" She whispered quietly, her eyes still firmly focused on the ground in front of us. I knew we should probably move because my ass was becoming numb from the cold curb. Who knew how cold she was? I wasn't going to ask her if her ass was cold though. To me, that wasn't something you asked a girl. More than one level of wrong.
"Yeah?"
"What do I tell the guys?" She whispered, her large brown eyes locking with mine. "I mean, they're going to notice that you're not around and everything and there's no way I'm letting you go through this on your own."
"I won't be-"
"I know you've got your mom and dad and everything but . . . sometimes you need more than parents to be there for you. And that's what I'm going to do. What do I tell the guys?" She asked, a new determination in her voice.
"Umm . . . . Emmett already knows." I whispered and she looked at me, shocked. "You remember when you guys all came over to my house, with the movies and stuff?" She nodded, looking confused. "He figured it out then, or just before. He remembered and recognised me from when he'd visited his mother on the ward. He'd remembered seeing me in one of the beds, going through chemo."
"What about the others?" She asked and I shook my head. "They don't know?"
"No." I sighed, running my hand through my hair wondering if I was doing the right thing by saying what I was about to. "If they ask where I am . . . tell them the truth."
"Really?"
I nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, they've been completely honest with me so I owe them that much. Emmett already knows so he'd work it out immediately. I think . . . I think that I can trust them." I whispered and she smiled, nodding, taking my hand in her own.
And I could. I knew that now. They hadn't asked Bella where I was or anything like that as of yet, but I knew it would only be a matter of time.
I just hoped that my trust and faith wasn't misplaced.
. . . . . . . . .
I am participating in Fandom For Preemies this year. Being a preemie baby myself - 30 weeks - it is a cause close to my heart, because without foundations like this funding equipment and staff, there's a high chance I wouldn't be here now. My contribution consists of an outtake from Eternally Damned. As I know some of you reading this story have also read Eternally Damned I'm going to let you know that the outtake is the one everyone has been asking for:
Edward's change.
And for a mere $5 you can read it because it will not be posted anywhere else. Ever. This will be your only chance to see it. Donations are being taken from the 1st November so if you want to find out what happened to Edward, donate some money and help some tiny preemies at the same time.
You know you want to.
Link to the Fandom for Preemies homepage is on my profile.