Summary:
Where our duo do what they do second best.
No matter where she looks or high how she climbs, Rey can't catch a cellphone signal anywhere.
Damnit. Why must life be so hard?
It's not like she had completely made up her mind to call him or not yet, but she kept checking her phone as she aimlessly walked just to know if she had the option to or not.
Not yet. Not here, at least.
And she'd wanted some time away from Kylo to clear her head. She'd gotten exactly that through a long and scorchingly hot mid-afternoon walk through the high prairie. Sunlight was always both her friend and enemy, but even for her it's too much to take out here. Shade opportunities were infrequent and most relegated to spotty coverage from junipers or by crouching under a heat-reflecting rock wall.
It served to exhaust her, though, which was her intention. Make herself so tired that she could escape from the trauma of what had just happened.
By the time she had gotten back to her car she had the start of a robust sunburn forming on both her face and arms. Not to mention being thoroughly dehydrated. Probably it was a very poor idea to turn tail and run off into the desert like that, but she had been left with no choice. It was either flee or ritual suicide. One or the other.
To her infinite surprise, Kylo is nowhere around. Maybe it was selfish, but in a way she's glad for that so that she can delay the inevitable for just a little bit longer. They hadn't discussed staying here for the night, but he had already made camp already and had set out the tent while she was gone. Rey actually would have preferred to move on since this site wasn't anything special, but since he's gone to so much effort it will have to do.
Where is he, though? In the early days of knowing him, all that less than two weeks ago, he would disappear for hours at a time during the night. But then he stopped doing that when they started sleeping together. Or at least she thinks that he stopped. Heavens know what he was getting up to or if he'd been coercing her to sleep just so he that his absence would go unnoticed.
Was that too pessimistic? Realistic? Probably a bit of both, truly.
It's okay. He'll be back. It's not like he has anywhere else to go. Rey knows that she has to face him sometime, but she's still frazzled from her walk and all she wants a few minutes in peace to cool down, drink as much lukewarm water as she can tolerate, and collect herself.
She sits down in the shade cast by her car and draws patterns in the sand with a stick. The lack of any real amenities like tall and leafy trees or sitting logs were part of why she hadn't wanted to stay in this spot, but the steady breeze is nice.
And she can feel him, too. Vaguely. Can tell that he's out there somewhere and that he's thinking about her.
An interesting development. She didn't used to be able to do that. It seems like he's somewhere that's pretty far away but she can't pinpoint the exact direction. When he gets back maybe she can get him to teach her how to do this locating thing that better because the odds are good that if she can feel him out there he can sense where she is too.
Kylo doesn't come back until after the sunset.
Rey had waited, her anxiousness at their upcoming encounter steadily building. Then she'd made dinner, because it's not nice to fight on an empty stomach. Then dinner had gotten cold and she'd been annoyed but also was growing in concern.
It's not like Kylo to be away from her for so long. He used to never let her out of his sights. So afraid to give her any opportunity to take off and leave him. Now they've gotten past that stage of their relationship, apparently, and the roles have reversed. She's the one left pining and nervous for him to come back.
For a while, she had tried to reach out and find him. Pinpoint exactly where he was. No luck, though. That notion she had felt of him earlier had faded and she has no idea how to get it back. Now all she can do is sit and wait and worry.
Finally, as the hours had drifted by in listless silence, she had started to feel exposed. Vulnerable at being so alone in the great open. For the comfort of familiarity, she had sat in the car and stared out into the fading twilight. Yes, okay, she was starting to miss him terribly which is ridiculous because they've only been apart for a few hours. What sort of needful, co-dependent relationship had they formed? How can she be so used to being alone but then completely lose herself so quickly?
It's getting dark and they're alone together out here. What if he gets lost? Or hurt? Or wandered out looking for her like a lost puppy dog and then couldn't find his way back?
Which is just another way of saying maybe he got lost. Tears prick at the corner of her eyes.
Godsdamnit Kylo, you'd better get your fucking ass back here right-
The door opens. Kylo leans down and looks at her. His chest is heaving slightly like he'd been walking or running. Maybe he had to hurry back since it was getting dark? Rather than ask, she nods at him, feeling utterly thankful that it's too dark for him to see the wet tracts on her cheeks.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey."
How elegant. They make such a well-spoken couple.
"Are you alright?"
"Um… fine. Where did you go?"
He steps away. Holds the door open for her as she steps out. Her butt had fallen asleep from sitting for so long and her legs have pins and needles.
"For a walk. I needed to clear my head."
Kriff, they're even starting to express themselves in the same way. Now that's just a downright disturbing thought.
"Oh."
Kylo sighs. There's still enough light that she can see how he looks sunblasted and tired.
"Rey, we need to-"
"I know. But have some water first," she reaches behind herself and finds a bottle to hand him. He drowns it all in one long drink. "And dinner, too. I made you dinner."
He gives a grunt of acknowledgement. Yeah, that was about as excited as she gets with cold Mac 'n Cheese, too.
She spreads out the blanket again to sit down on but Kylo stands and paces. Picking at his mediocre dinner with a finickiness that she's become thoroughly used to by now.
Neither one of them seem to want to begin talking. Rey feels a twinge of nausea at the idea of the inevitable confrontation. Kylo is quiet. He's usually quiet, but this time he keeps a good distance from her. No hugging under the starlight tonight, apparently.
"Okay, I think… I don't know."
And Rey's not capable of being articulate, but she's still the one who has to break the silence first.
"Are you still angry at me, Rey? Because I'm really not upset about you doing that, just-"
Rey rapidly drops her fork and waves a 'cancel!' at him. He pauses mid-whatever embarrassing thing he was about to say. Because, oh no, they're not going to be talking about that. Ever. Never ever.
Kylo waits and stares. The expectant puppy who's not sure if his master is going to scold him or praise him. It's too much. He's always too much. She has to distract herself from his endless intensity by wiping the silverware clean and ignoring the pointed looks he's giving her that she's not using water.
And this is ridiculous. Just… rip the band-aid off. That's what she needs to do.
"Why didn't you tell me that you knew Hux?"
If Kylo has a strong reaction to her question, he hides it well. In fact, all he offers at first is rigid silence. For a moment she wonders if he's not pushing at her mind and she simply doesn't realize it, but then he finally speaks.
"I did tell you, Rey. I told you that he worked at the place I used to stay. But how is it that you know his name?"
Her confidence wavers. Not that it was ever very high, but now she has to admit to him that she-
"I was looking for it, okay? When we were… together, this afternoon. I wanted answers and since you weren't telling me, I… looked."
Kylo stares at her. Opens his mouth then seems to think better of it. Rey looks at the ground. She knows that guilt must be written all over her face, but… it's his fault. She was only protecting herself. And he's violated her privacy on so many occasions that she's only just doing what he taught her to.
"You're very strong."
She looks up then and is surprised to find him standing right next to her. He'd moved so invisibly in the darkness and she'd been so wrapped up in her own conscience that she hadn't noticed.
"What else?" he asks.
She frowns when he kneels down next to her. Something is off about his body language. It's much more… purposeful. Very different from the soft and almost meek hunch she's used to from him. He's always trying to make himself smaller around her, as if he's hyper aware of their differences in size even though she rarely notices it anymore. Not now, though. Now it's like he's holding himself back.
Fine, it's intimidating. Especially given all the warnings she's been told or has ignored from her own mind.
"I didn't know at all," he murmurs when she doesn't answer. "I didn't notice when you did it. That's incredible."
"Why didn't you?"
He huffs softly. Reaches out and touches her shoulder and immediately she can feel the push of him against her mind.
"Because I was looking at nicer things. Did you do those, too?"
A tiny little bit of pain in her head. Just a tiny burn from an ember. But it's enough to make her tear herself away. She can't risk him do something to her now and stopping whatever progress she's pulled out of him.
"Don't touch me."
"Rey, please," his voice is a low plea, "I'm not trying to-"
"You're in my head! You have to stop doing that without telling me!"
She scrambles to her feet, stepping to the far edge of the blanket and she can see his head dip in disapproval of her getting her shoes onto the clean side of it.
"Because you were in mine. And what else did you see?"
He steps sideways. She matches it in reverse. The edges of the blanket making an irrational wall between them that he seems reluctant to cross.
"When? When did I see what?"
"When you were distracting me," his voice takes on a much quieter resonance and her cheeks flush from something else then rising stress.
Gods how she wishes she could trust him.
"Nothing," she lies. "All I got was his name. And that you know each other a whole lot better than you'd lead me to believe."
Kylo makes an odd noise. Annoyed. But also she's sure there's more to it. She wishes she could see his face, but it's just too dark.
She takes a step forward and his chin lifts up. And there it is, there's that hopeful body language. No matter how strained things get between them, all it seems to take to bring him around is the slightest sliver of attention from her.
"Tomorrow I want you to teach me how to block you," she demands.
She swears she could hear him suck in a breath.
"Why- Why in the world would I want to do that? That's the last thing I'd ever want to do!"
"Because..." she takes another step. He stays perfectly still, just his large eyes shining in the moonlight to tell her he's listening to every word. "Because if you don't, then I'll know that I can't trust you. And if I can't trust you, then… then thing will have to change between us."
She doesn't elaborate on what she means. Hasn't decided yet for herself because, in all complete honesty, it's a largely empty threat. For the most part, she absolutely loves the way things have been going between them. Lying, stalking, and potentially life threatening risks notwithstanding. Maybe she loves him, too, but she can't let him know that. It's the only card she has left to play.
Kylo's shoulders fall. He seems so torn. Shakes his head and finally crosses the invisible forcefield that is the blanket to stand in front of her. He tries to take her hand and she pulls it away. His sigh tickles her nose.
"Rey… I can't."
He reaches out and strokes her cheek before sliding it down her neck to her shoulder. This she allows.
"Can't? Or won't?"
He shrugs. That damnable shrug of his.
"So it can be done, then?" she continues, "I know you can block me, so that means I can do it to, right?"
His hand lifts off her shoulder. Floats it in the air by her temple and she knows exactly what's on his mind.
She steps back abruptly. Needing to put space between them right now before he continues.
"I'm sleeping in the car tonight."
A resolute conclusion. Stay out of arms reach and don't lose your nerve.
She turns abruptly to leave and get away from him. Stumbles slightly as the motion makes the blanket wad up around her feet. Kylo steadies her effortlessly. Sweeping her off her feet and into his arms. It's so obnoxious how much stronger he is. He wasn't even trying and suddenly he has her surrounded.
"Please don't do that, Rey. Don't go to sleep mad at me."
She scoffs. And struggles. Chances are that neither of them are going to get much sleep tonight.
"Let me go right now," she orders, miffed that he seems to think nothing of how he's manhandling her.
Kylo whines. Presses his chin against her shoulder. She elbows him in the ribs and he relents, letting her go with a grunt.
"Can we talk about this in the morning?" he asks, increasing the volume of his voice as she scrambles away.
"No."
They should talk. It's what adults do. But when he starts to follow her, hesitant and careful to keep his movements slow, she sprints the rest of the distance. Throws open the passenger side door and slams it behind her. The locks click into place and she wraps her arms around herself to steady her racing heart.
Talk about deja vu, right?
The crunching of boots in gravel. She looks straight ahead and shoves the thought of go away at him. It's a messy move, given her agitated mental state, so
"Rey?" he whispers. She glares at his shadowy form through the glass. Nope, not going to answer. Definitely not.
"Rey," he tries again, shifting the tone of his voice to a timbre less whiney. "Remember the last time you locked yourself in the car to get away from me?"
Oh wow. Like it was possible that she could ever, ever forget that night. And she's still going to refuse to answer, no matter what ludicrous thing he's building up to.
"This is better, right? You're angry, but you're not as angry. So I must be doing something right. Right?"
She rolls her eyes. Gods what kind of a psycho is she dealing with?
"Kylo?" she whispers. It's hardly even a whisper. She can barely hear it herself. Still, his head immediately perks up and he leans closer, a hint of fog from his breath darkening the window.
"Rey?"
So hopeful. She's really in trouble here, isn't she?
"Go away. I want to sleep."
And with that she flops over onto her side. Stares at the opposite door for what feels like an eternity until she hears him turn and the sound of his footsteps gradually fade away.
Author's Note:
I know, I know, this was a teeny little baby of a chapter. I had planned on adding this part on to the next one but then there was a big shift in both the scenes and tone so I thought it would be better by itself even if it's a shortie. And since I already finished writing this earlier… viola, instant bonus chapter! Get it up while the internet's up.
next time: Kylo, in all his brilliant understanding of women, comes up with a fool-proof plan to get Rey to stop feeling so embarrassed about perving on him. It works about as well as you'd expect it to.