Thunder Horse – Chapter 14
[91]
Stands With a Fist opened her eyes. She was still in the tribal tent, but almost everyone else had gone. There were still a few people milling about outside. She could hear their muffled whispers. She wondered just how long she had been out. She was still a little disoriented, but not so much that she forgot where she was, or why she was there. Her whole body ached to the bone. Suddenly, Kicking Bird appeared bearing what she guessed were her husband's remains.
"Oh, you are awake." He put the bundle on the ground beside her. "I sent Black Shawl home with the children hours ago. I promised her that I would make sure that you got home safely. I have a little more work to do, but I won't be long. You can stay in my lodge tonight. Just rest here until I come for you." He waited for her to acknowledge him. When she nodded, he turned and left her alone. Stands didn't wait for him to come back. He would insist on going with her, or on sending Wind in His Hair to protect her. There was something that she needed to do, and she needed to do it alone. Stands picked up the bundle that held Thunder Horse's ashes and she held it tightly to her chest, then she left the tent and started walking. She imagined it to be two or three hours until daybreak. Surely she would reach the tree by then.
[92]
One hour into her journey, she began questioning her decision to go on foot, and her sense of direction. Nothing looked familiar to her even though it was a bright night.
"Do you see?" She cried out. "I can't do this without you!" She yelled to the sky.
"Why did you leave me here?" She walked on.
"I would have gone with you! We could be together now!" Stands heard a noise in the grass nearby and jumped when the wolf came into view.
"Oh, it's just you. What do you want from me? Have you come to watch me suffer?" The wolf whimpered and followed her at a distance. "Isn't that what you want?" She kept walking in the direction that she thought was right.
"Maybe I'll just get lost out here and never be heard from again. I'll spend the rest of my miserable life wandering around the prairie carrying you around!" Suddenly she dropped to her knees and threw up.
[93]
The sunrise was beautiful. Stands couldn't help but think of how much Thunder would have loved it. At least she knew she was still headed in the right direction. The wolf was still following 20 or 30 feet behind. He stopped when she stopped and waited while she got her bearings. When she continued, so did the wolf. She was trying hard to keep her emotions in check, but a single tear escaped and left a trail down her cheek.
"Thunder, why did you have to go?" Over the next ridge, Stands breathed a sigh of relief. The lonely tree loomed before her as if it had been waiting for her to return. Its branches waved wildly in the wind that swayed the tall grass and blew through her hair. Sadly, she walked toward it. The wolf did not follow. When she reached the tree, she knelt before it. She kissed her fingertips and gently laid them on the ground beside the tree.
"Heaven's Tears, I have brought your father to you. I pray that he will find you on the other side, and that you will be together." Stands swallowed back her tears and her voice cracked. She waited until the wind died down before she opened the bundle and spread her husband's remains on the ground around the tree. A gusty wind ripped the empty cloth from her hands and sent it whirling out onto the prairie. She thought it fitting. He always loved riding out there.
"I will remember you always, my love." She said after a few minutes. "I will remember everything." Her tears flowed freely now. "I will remember everything you ever said to me, everything we ever did. I will remember everything you taught me. Most of all, I will remember how much you loved me." Stand pulled her knife out of its sheath. "I will always love you." She laid the blade against the scar on the back of her left arm, and in one quick swipe she opened it back up. She screamed her pain across the prairie. She made another cut, and punctuated it with another scream. She did this again and again, each scream louder; each cut deeper. The blood poured from her wounds. It stained her clothes and puddled in her lap. It was in her hair and on her face. She felt light headed. Stands held her arm up and watched the blood drip from her fingertips onto the ground to blend with Thunder's ashes, and she smiled. She had not planned it, but it made her happy. She realized that her cuts were too deep, she had lost too much blood, and she was too far from home. The last drop would spill right there on that little piece of land that held her heart.
"Wait for me. I will be with you soon." She swayed as she sang the song that Thunder had taught her.
[94]
The sound startled her. When she turned around, she saw a man on a horse. At least she thought it was a man. The banner that he carried had blown across his face. When he pulled it away and she saw that he was a white man, her heart sunk like a stone into her stomach. So many things ran through her mind at once. First, was the fear that he would interfere with her plans to die. Second, was the fear that after interfering with her plans to die, he would take her away. Not only would she not be with Thunder Horse and Heaven's Tears on the other side, she would never see her family again. Third, was the fear that he would kill her himself, which was an irrational fear since death was what she was hoping for. Stands tried to stand up, but she was weak from the loss of blood and fell to her knees. The man dismounted and came after her as she crawled away.
"Wait! You're hurt!" He said. She had not heard the language of the white settlers since her parents died, but somehow she knew what his words meant. She held the knife, prepared to strike if necessary, but she was too weak to resist him. He grabbed her wrists and the knife fell to the ground.
"Don't!" She screamed, just before her world went black.
[95]
When she regained consciousness, Stands knew that she was not dead. Death couldn't hurt this bad. Before she opened her eyes, she knew that she was back at camp. She heard the whispered voices of Black Shawl and Willow. Slowly she pried her eyes open and tried to focus. She was in Kicking Bird's lodge. Against the wall, in front of her was a neat little stack of some objects that she recognized. Stands threw off the light blanket that covered her to find that she still wore her blood soaked tunic, but her arm and been bandaged. She struggled to get up on her feet and stumbled towards the door, ignoring the sympathetic looks that Black Shawl and Willow cast in her direction. Stands threw open the door flap and squinted. It was the middle of the day, but what day? She wondered. She looked across the camp and let out a whimper. Her home was gone. Nothing was left of the life that she loved. Thunder Horse's lodge had been disassembled and she had been absorbed back into her father's house. With no brother to leave his belongings, Thunder Horse's property now belonged to Kicking Bird. Stands turned and walked back to bed. She pulled the covers up over her head. Looking out, she surveyed all that was left of the man that she loved; his blanket, his bow, his knife, and his flute. She reached for the flute and closed her eyes, remembering how gently his lips touched it when he played. She raised the flute to her own lips, as if in doing so would take the place of a kiss. She began to cry again.
[96]
Stands was sleeping when Kicking Bird came in that evening.
"Did she wake up?" Kicking Bird asked his wife.
"Yes. She went to the door, saw that their tipi was gone, then went back to bed and cried for an hour before she fell asleep again. She hasn't moved since."
"Has she eaten?" He asked.
"No, and I'm worried. She hasn't eaten in two days."
"Should we wake her up?" Kicking Bird asked.
"You are the medicine man, and her father. She needs to eat soon or she will starve." Kicking Bird walked over to where Stands was sleeping. He squatted down and shook her by the shoulder.
"Stands With A Fist!" He called sternly. "It is time for you to wake up and eat." Stands groaned her complaint and pulled the blanket tighter.
"Get up now!" He demanded. "You cannot sleep all day." Stands did not get up. It frustrated Kicking Bird to be ignored, but he knew that she was not herself. He took a piece of jerky from a pouch that hung overhead and he returned to her side.
"Stands With A Fist, open your eyes!" Stands woke up, but did not get up. He put the jerky in her hand.
"At least eat this." He ordered. She did not move. "Take a bite." He closed his hand around hers and moved the meat to her mouth. Reluctantly, she took a bite. Kicking Bird nodded in satisfaction.
"You do not have to get up now, but you must eat. You have lost a lot of blood. You need food to get better. You can do it yourself, or I can feed you, but you are going to eat." Stands took another bite. Kicking Bird left her and went back to sit with Black Shawl.
"She is starting to smell. Does she not have anything else to wear besides that ruined tunic?" He asked.
"I'll take care of it tomorrow." Black Shawl promised.
[97]
Stands was rudely awakened the next day. The blanket that covered her was torn away and she opened her eyes to find herself surrounded by women. They pulled and prodded her until she was on her feet and then they forced her to go outside. She threw her uninjured arm up to shield her eyes from the bright sunlight. The women pushed her down the path toward the river. Pretty Shield was already there. She had built a fire on the bank near the fallen log. A pot of stew was cooking. Black Shawl made Stands sit down on the log. She tried to comb through her matted, tangled mess of hair and quickly gave up. Instead, she pulled out a sharp knife and hacked through it, just below the shoulders. She tossed the long tresses onto the fire, and then moved out of the way. Two other women moved in to help Stands out of her ruined tunic.
"Here, burn this." One of them said to Pretty Shield, who threw the blood stained garment on the flames. They took her hands and pulled her towards the water where they scrubbed her down from head to toe, being mindful of her injured arm. Stands thought that they must have removed two layers of skin. She felt raw, but clean. Next, they gently cleaned her wounds and applied a fresh bandage.
"Which one of these do you want me to put on her?" One of the women said, holding up two brand new tunics.
"That one." Pretty Shield pointed to a golden colored gown trimmed in blue and white beadwork. "I made two. That one is for everyday; the other is for special occasions."
"They are beautiful!" the women gushed. They were beautiful garments, and Stands was touched that Pretty Shield had made them for her. She cooperated as the women slipped the everyday dress over her head. Black Shawl sent Willow back to the tipi with Stands' other new dress. The women spread out blankets on the ground and they all sat down including Stands With a Fist. A bowl of hot stew was put in her hands.
"Do we need to feed you too?" One of the women asked her.
"No." Stands replied. The woman smiled.
"Good." Stands slowly ate the stew and listened to the women gossip. She kept looking across the river for the wolf, but he didn't come. She imagined that he thought there were too many people at the river today.
[98]
After they had finished eating, they led her back to camp. When she tried to go back inside Kicking Bird's tipi, Pretty Shield blocked her path. She took Stands hand and led her through the village to the tribal circle. Stands felt the eyes of the people on her as she walked with her head bowed. Pretty Shield walked her past Grey Wolf, Stone Calf and Kicking Bird who were seated together in conversation. They looked up as she passed by, then respectfully looked away, but not before she saw the pity in their eyes.
They walked past a group of warriors, including Wind in His Hair, who was making arrowheads. He also looked up and then quickly looked away. The tight set of his jaw did little to conceal his sadness. Pretty Shield stopped in front of a buffalo hide that was staked to the ground. She bent down and picked up the animal bone that served as a scraper. She put it in Stands' hand. Stands only stared at it and let it fall to the ground. Pretty Shield picked it up again and put it back into Stands' hands. The old woman took Stand's face in her leathery hands and looked into her eyes.
"Work Stands. Work. It will help to ease your pain." The woman's eyes expressed her sympathy. Stands nodded, and when Pretty Shield walked away, she got down on her hands and knees and began to work.
[99]
Stands finished the first hide and moved on to the next one. Pretty Shield came and got the finished one and smiled at Stands approvingly, then she was gone again. Stands was so intent on her work that did not see what everyone else saw. In disbelief, everyone watched as Thunder Horse's pony walked out of the herd and slowly moved towards her. When he whinnied she looked up to find him standing in front of her. Stands dropped her tool and stood up. She walked over to the horse and put her arms around his neck.
"I miss him too." She whispered in the horse's ear. A thought entered her mind, but before she could follow through with it, she needed to talk to Kicking Bird. He was still sitting with Grey Wolf and Stone Calf, and the three of them were looking at her. She walked toward them and the horse followed. Stands knelt in front of the men.
"May I bother you?" She spoke to Kicking Bird who nodded.
"I want to thank you for giving me a place to stay with your family. I am very grateful." He nodded again and smiled.
"I know that my husband's horses belong to you now. I mean no disrespect." Kicking Bird looked at the pinto that waited behind her.
"You want his horse?" Kicking Bird asked.
"I know that it is not customary for women to own horses, but I am asking this one thing of you." Kicking Bird looked at Grey Wolf, and Stone Calf, then he made his own decision.
"He is yours to do with what you like." Kicking Bird decided. Stands smiled weakly.
"Thank you." Stands stood up and walked to where Wind in His Hair was sitting. He immediately stood up and waited for her to speak.
"You were like a brother to my husband." She stated. He looked her in the eye, his face hard and serious. "This is a warrior's horse. He does not belong here grazing in the grass with the old mares. He is yours now. My husband would have wanted this." Wind in His Hair stared at her in disbelief, and then he looked at Kicking Bird who proudly nodded his approval.
"Thank you." He said. Stands nodded.
"Ride him well. He loves to fly across the prairie. He is a good horse." Wind in His Hair mounted the horse. He looked down at Stands and smiled and then he was gone. Stands knew that she had done the right thing. She stood there a moment and watched them as they grew smaller and smaller the further away they rode. She looked back at the three old men who smiled back at her, and then she went back to her work.
[100]
Life in Kicking Bird's home had its ups and downs. The hardest part was lying in bed at night, pretending to be asleep while he and Black Shawl talked to each other as married couples do, or worse, when they made love. When she was younger, Stands always felt like she was an intruder, but now, those sounds reminded her of Thunder Horse and left her with a deep longing that nothing could satisfy. Work became her saving grace. She worked from the time she rolled out of bed until she fell into bed at night. The first thing every morning she would haul wood. If she needed time to cry, she did it under cover of the trees. Some days she only shed a few tears, but other days she would stay in the woods for a long time, her pain raw like the very first day without him. After hauling wood, she went to the river for water. The wolf was often there waiting for her. She looked for him and missed him when he wasn't there. He was a good companion and she talked to him all the time. She told him all the things that she wanted to share with Thunder Horse but couldn't. He was a good listener.
Stands worked in the garden during harvest time. She tanned hides and ground spices. She made clothes for the children and helped Black Shawl. On one particularly bad day, Stands made several trips to the woods. When she returned to the tipi, Black Shawl stopped her.
"Stands, we have enough wood. If you bring more, I'll have to put one of my children out into the cold to make room for it." When Stands started to cry, Black Shawl made another suggestion. "I'm sure that Pretty Shield can use the extra wood." Stands carried the extra wood to Grey Wolf's tipi. Pretty Shield cheerfully accepted the it.
"Is Kicking Bird back from the Soldier fort yet?" She asked. Stands knew that her father had been visiting the white man at the fort; the same man that she encountered on the prairie that day, but she was trying not to think about it. She still feared the man, even he did bring her back home to her people.
"I did not know that was where he went today."
"Winter is coming. We will be striking for the winter camp soon. Kicking Bird fears that the white man will not survive the winter. He took him a buffalo blanket." Stands could not believe that Thunder Horse had been gone for four months. It seemed like yesterday.