Chapter Fourteen

Joey was pleased to have escaped the confines of the safe house again, having sweet talked the officer in charge like she had before. She knew she was still taking a risk though. Robbo could be anywhere. But she hated staying the house. Heading to the beach, she resisted putting her iPod on, making sure she stayed alert to the world around her. Stepping onto the sand, she paused when she saw Charlie sitting in their usual spot. The police officer was curled up with her face buried against her knees. Her shoulders were heaving and she was very obviously in tears. Taking a deep breath, Joey wondered what to do. She wanted to help. She wanted to be supportive. But it hurt. It hurt to see her with someone who made her so unhappy, when all Joey had ever wanted to do was love and care for her. Charlie had quite clearly chosen to be with someone vile over her, just on the basis of gender... on the basis that Charlie could never have loved Joey enough. Sighing and knowing she couldn't turn her back on her, Joey continued walking and sat quietly down beside her ex-girlfriend.

"Fancy seeing you here," she said softly.

Charlie lifted her head, embarrassed to have been caught in tears. She gazed into Joey's beautiful, gentle face and wondered yet again how she could have thrown everything away like that.

"You shouldn't be out and about by yourself," she said, not that she thought Joey was ever going to listen to her warnings.

She was far too independent for that kind of instruction.

"There's an officer up there. And anyway, I'm not by myself," was Joey's smart remark.

Charlie managed a smile but tears still stained her face.

"Another argument?" Joey asked.

Charlie nodded and sighed heavily. Joey put her arm around her.

"What happened this time?"

"It's always the same thing," Charlie said. "He can't bear me working on your case. He doesn't want me to see you."

"Why?"

"Because... Oh, come on, you know why," Charlie said unhappily.

"Because of our history," Joey said. "Does he think that I'm a threat or something?"

Charlie nodded, turning to study Joey's face and see what she thought about it. Did she want to be a threat? Did she have any feelings for her now?

"Have you told him that I'm not?"

"A thousand times," Charlie said.

She gazed out at sea. Joey chewed her lip and kept her arm around Charlie's slender frame.

"Look, I really appreciate that you're on the case," she said. "You're the best cop ever. But I'm not here to interfere in your life. I'm not here to mess anything up for you. I really just want you guys to send Robbo back to jail and let me go back to my life."

Charlie nodded and tried not to cry any harder at the confirmation that Joey didn't want anything to do with her.

"Having said that," Joey added. "I'm surprised that you're so unhappy. I can't believe you're letting yourself get bullied like this. I've thought about you loads since I've been away and of all the things I imagined you doing, becoming a victim wasn't it."

Charlie looked down at the sand.

"You must be pretty disappointed in me," she said. "Again. More."

Joey hugged her a little closer.

"I'm disappointed for you, Charlie. It's not the same thing."

"It's no more than I deserve," Charlie said sadly, comforted by Joey's close proximity.

"What are you talking about?" Joey asked. "Charlie, you deserve someone who will love you for everything you are. Someone who'll listen to you and care about what you say and think. Someone who wants the best for you. Someone who wakes up every damn day and feels so lucky that someone as amazing as you wants to be with them."

Charlie gazed into Joey's eyes.

"I had that," she said, crying harder. "I had that with you and I threw it away."

Joey swallowed uncertainly, disarmed by the raw emotion in Charlie's voice.

"Well, I guess I wasn't right for you," she said quietly. "You deserve all those things but they're never going to be right if you don't feel the same."

Charlie stared at her, her mouth hanging open like an idiot.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Just... just, um... well, yes, I loved you like that but you... you didn't and..."

She looked away and removed her arm, feeling embarrassed and emotional.

"I loved you," Charlie said, never taking her eyes away from her ex.

Joey didn't reply. She just tried to get rid of the aching lump in her throat. Charlie watched her uncertainly. Her heart was racing too fast.

"I still love you," she said.

Joey turned back quickly. Charlie shrank a little.

"No you don't," Joey told her firmly.

"I do. That's why..."

She sighed heavily.

"If you loved me, we wouldn't be here now," Joey said.

"Joey, I said I was sorry for..."

"Hugo aside," Joey interrupted. "We wouldn't be here now. If you loved me, and you had these few days or weeks or whatever it's going to be with me, you would have tried to win me back. You haven't. You've just stuck with Angelo and let him treat you like crap. You can't love me. I don't think you ever did."

Charlie squeezed her eyes shut and tried to regulate her breathing. She had no idea how to respond. The woman who had never been short of words found herself speechless. She stared tearfully into Joey's eyes, seeing nothing but hurt there. She licked her lips and continued to try and speak but no words would come out. Joey forced a smile. She squeezed Charlie's hand and told her that she ought to be getting back to the safe house. Watson phoned in every hour to check on her and it was nearing the time she would call. Charlie's heart sank as she watched her begin to walk away. Feelings of failure engulfed her until she could hardly breathe. Before she knew what she was doing, she'd got to her knees.

"I didn't try to win you back because I love you, Joey!" she yelled.

She tensed as Joey stopped walking and slowly turned around. She shoved her hands in her pockets and kicked at some sand. Eventually, she met Charlie's gaze.

"What do you mean?"

Charlie remained on her knees, looking up at Joey.

"You're the only person I've ever been in love with. When I was with you, I had everything. I had what everyone dreams of having. But I was so dumb that I didn't realise what I had until it was too late. I was so afraid of being called a lesbian that I tried to prove I wasn't. I slept with Hugo and then... then when I came back to you the next day, I fell even more deeply in love with you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to pretend that the whole thing hadn't happened. You were so innocent. You kept telling me how much you missed me and how much you loved me. And I knew I was no good. I knew I was no good for you. I clung on anyway and I tried to forget the whole thing. All I wanted to do was love you, try to be a good girlfriend... I'd finally realised what was important, what mattered. It was me and you but then... then you found out and I lost you. I missed you so much and I hated myself every day for being such a damn fool. I waited. I waited for you to come home but you didn't. You didn't come home and you didn't get in touch and I tried so hard to move on."

Tears cascaded down Charlie's face without shame. She felt like she was being honest for the first time.

"Angelo was broken too," she said. "We took comfort in each other because we were both so sad. He felt so guilty for killing Jack and he was trying his hardest to make amends. And I felt so guilty for hurting you. I hated myself for losing you. And I understood why you didn't come home. I never blamed you for that. You did the right thing by getting away from me. I'm just... poison."

Joey inched forward a little uncertainly. Tentatively, she sank onto the floor, mirroring Charlie's pose and holding her hands. She swallowed, not knowing how to respond.

"I got with Angelo but I knew I didn't love him," Charlie explained. "I lied this year when I told him I did. But we'd been through so much together and we'd been on again, off again and I knew I had to either make it work or leave him for good. And I... I didn't want to be alone. So I told him I loved him, I did all the things he wanted me to, like moving in together and stuff."

She licked her lips and felt like there was no air in her lungs. She felt comforted only by Joey's presence.

"But everything changed," Charlie said. "I don't know when exactly but Angelo's a different guy than the one I first started dating. He's obsessive and controlling and he makes me... he makes me miserable."

Joey nodded and sighed heavily.

"But it's like... everyone loves him. Even when he broke the rules and got kicked out of the force temporarily, nobody judged him for that. The community rallied round and cared for him. They've forgiven and forgotten every misdeed they ever accused him of and he can't seem to do anything wrong. During one of our break ups, he started stalking me and I was so angry but nobody else seemed to care. They thought it was cute, romantic, funny..."

"Fucked up," Joey added.

Charlie managed a small smile and refused to let go of Joey's hands. Joey was the only real happiness, however brief, that she had ever known. She was afraid of letting her go.

"And now I'm trapped in this situation," she said. "He's the boss. He does bully me. I'm not allowed to do anything without his permission and if I do, he kicks off and makes my life hell. Everyone thinks he's perfect and I... I don't know what to do."

"You need to leave him," Joey told her.

"It's not that simple."

"It is exactly that simple, Charlie," Joey said. "You're being bullied and controlled. You're the shell of the woman you used to be. I don't understand why you're clinging onto him and letting yourself stay this unhappy."

"I can't even make someone I'm not in love with, care about me," Charlie said. "What does that tell you about the kind of person I am?"

"You're a wonderful person," Joey said firmly. "And you deserve better."

"I don't," Charlie replied, her voice hollow and empty. "I had better. I had the best. I had everything I could ever have wanted. And I... I hurt you so badly that you left town. You left your family, your job, your friends. I hurt you that much that you couldn't even bear to look at me ever again."

"Charlie..."

"I don't deserve anything more than what I've got. I guess... I guess this is my punishment."