Changing from Within
Chapter 14
Lost Wounds
Wiping away our tears, Steph and I decide to head downstairs to get some food, walking in companionable silence as we each leave the other to our own thoughts. We don't meet anyone until we hit the doors to the great hall, where Hannah, Megan, Katherine, Adam and Gregor are waiting on us. Without a word, Megan steps forward, embracing the two of us in a supportive embrace.
"We're sitting together for lunch," She informs Steph and I as she steps away, "at the Slytherin table," she looks pointedly at me with a smirk, "as you have been to all the other tables already." I grin at their acceptance and with a renewed confidence, we walk into the hall together, ignoring the stares as the group of us head straight to the Slytherin table, taking our places at the far end, next to Pansy, Millicent, Tracy and Daphne.
As expected, Daphne turns away from us with a shake of her head, clearly showing her disapproval. Pansy, sitting next to Draco, sniffs hotly, apparently not haven forgiven me over the spat with Draco on Saturday. Tracy turns bright red, her eyes flicking from me to the others.
"I know I asked you to introduce me," she starts, glaring at me, "but I didn't mean like this!" I laugh at the Slytherin tables, reaction to me bringing a Gryffindor, two Hufflepuff's and three Ravenclaw's into their midst.
"Don't worry," I tell her, shaking my head with a smile, "they're here for moral support."
"What moral support would you need?" Pansy cuts in, sneering nastily in my direction.
"Help in dealing with people like you." I answer instantaneously, smirking at her outraged shock.
"Louise," Adam reprimands me, I turn to see his smirk equaling my own, "don't be mean to the less fortunate." Pansy turns her back to us, turning instead to talk to a vaguely disgruntled Draco Malfoy. I did not realize Pansy's infatuation with Draco had started this early! I mean, come on! she's eleven years old, and he's an arrogant prick.
"Well?" Katherine starts, turning to me as I give Pansy an immature stink eye. "Are you going to introduce us?"
"I'm pretty sure I already have," I answer, turning away from the odd eleven-year-old to grin cheekily at Katherine.
"Well introduce us again." She orders, I roll my eyes but oblige, happy to be distracted.
"Okay," I gesture to Tracy sitting next to me, "This is Tracy. Tracy, this is Katherine, Megan, Hannah, Steph, Gregor and Adam."
"Yes, Louise," Gregor buts in, "We know, that is Daphne, Millicent, Pansy, Draco, Blaise and Zabini." Rolling my eyes, I sit back to watch my new and old friends interact. Only Tracy seems particularly happy to talk to any of them, with Daphne being her usual quiet self and Millicent deciding to talk briefly with Adam and Gregor before turning back to their meals quietly.
The rest of lunch is uneventful, minus some glares from other Slytherin's, we finish our meal in peace and head to our next classes; Charms and Transfiguration for the Slytherin's; Defense Against the Dark Arts and History of Magic for the Gryffindor's; Potions for Hufflepuff's and Ravenclaw's and then Charm's for the 'Puffs and Defense Against the Dark Arts for the Ravenclaw's.
Taking dinner together again, Steph brings up the question they had all no doubt been asking themselves – why was I in the Hospital wing? Noticing the first year Slytherin's interest switching to us after Steph's question, I quickly downplay, deciding to tell them the whole story later, when we do not have as many listening ears.
"Delayed magical exhaustion from that game we played on Saturday," I say with a shrug, Gregor and Adam both from, glancing at each other and deciding Gregor should ask.
"Why did Transfiguration suddenly set it off? Transfiguration was two whole days after the game, your magic would have recovered in that time." He asks, matter of fatly, I discreetly send him a glare for making me go more into it, at the slight furrow of his eyes, I quickly glance to the Slytherin males sitting a little away from us, all of them suspiciously quiet as they eat their food.
"Because I set a ward on my bed Sunday, which set me off to not be ready for Transfiguration." I answer shortly, huffing at the skeptical looks my friends send me.
"Why did you set a ward on your bed?" Katherine asks, "Do you not trust the girls in your dorm?" Daphne, Tracy and Millicent look up, smirking at me.
"Yeah, Louise," Tracy grins, "Do you not trust me? I'm hurt!" I roll my eyes, shaking my head at the playful glint in Tracy's eyes.
"I was just trying out a spell I found." I answer, semi-honestly. I don't trust the girls in my dorm, as I am a muggleborn, even if I have led them to believe I may be something else. Plus, I know things I shouldn't and I need a space I can safely be myself, my almost twenty-year-old self. Something I cannot, under any circumstances, trust the Slytherin girls' with. There is always a risk we are unable to stop Voldemort from appearing and any of them may turn to him, may try to turn me to him. I need my personal space away from the children.
"And that reminds me," I add out loud, "I need to go to Madame Pomfrey after dinner for a check-up."
"Why?" Millicent asks, "Loads of us had magical exhaustion on Saturday and don't have to go back." I turn to her, noticing a flash of suspicion in Daphne's usually blank eyes as I do. She better not become a problem later.
"Because it was both delayed and came with a bit of a concussion," I answer honestly… well that's what Pomfrey thinks, I don't know if Dumbledore may have told her or not however…
I tune out of the conversations again, noting blankly that I seem to be pulling myself away from everyone else a lot more frequently than before. Usually I would be the center of the talking, keeping everyone together, especially in our Facebook chats. But now that Katherine has met my friends in person, she seems happy to chat with them, getting along with Steph and Hannah wonderfully.
Glancing up at the staff table, my thoughts drift back to the memories Snape forced me to witness. Of my dogs, whom I may never get to clap, cuddle and play with again. To my sister.
The sister I may have hated with all my being at certain times because of the unfair treatment, her being the favorite of the two of us. But my sister despite it all. My only blood relative. The two of us together for ever despite our constant arguments. Thinking of her, I try and imagine what house she would be in if she were actually here, probably Hufflepuff. I couldn't imagine her in another house. I can almost picture her sitting over with the yellow house, getting to know everyone and becoming friends with them. Growing up in another life, this time with no parents splitting us up – just house rivalries which we would work together to get rid of.
I can miss and wish all I want, it won't do anything to bring her here, to experience what I am experiencing. Shrugging off the increasingly depressing thoughts, I tune back into the world around me, noticing dinner is finished.
Getting up from the table, I wave a goodbye to my friends and head off in search for the Hospital Wing, but with no idea where it is, I soon find myself thoroughly lost. Admitting defeat, I turn to the nearest portrait, one of a no doubt previous Hogwarts student, and ask for directions.
Deciding "Just keep walking and follow your dreams, dearie, you will find what you need in time,2 Is not the answer I need, I continue down the hallway to the next portrait, this one of three men in a tavern, clearly drinking. Not wanting to risk another stupid answer, I turn into the next hall to find a very useful young male in a study. He informs me of exactly where I need to go – follow the corridor, take a left and the doors are at the end of the hall – he also offers to come along with me. I politely decline, thanking him and heading off.
Once at the Hospital Wing, I find Madame Pomfrey tending to an older student with some nasty looking burns on his torso.
"Potions?" I ask, stepping up to them, wincing in sympathy at the painful looking raw red skin.
"Nope, Defense class gone wrong," The guy informs me, grinning past Madame Pomfrey's form. "Hey, you're that Slytherin who started up the game, yes?" Unable to see the colour of his robes due to Madame Pomfrey blocking him, I just politely nod, not wanting to start some argument. "You were proper brave facing up to McGonagall like that," he informs me, grinning wildly, "you would have made a great Gryffindor," ah ha! So that's his house.
"You would want a slimy snake in your house?"I ask him, smirking at his affronted glare.
"I don't agree with the stupid house rivalries in this place," He says, "I'm here for my education then getting out as fast as possible," I laugh slightly at his disgruntle look bu before I can reply, Madame Pomfrey seems to have finally figured there is another student in the ward with them and tells me to go sit on the bed at the other side of the ward. I pout at being sent so far away but do as I am told, sitting on a bed and watching as the boys red skin slowly becomes more pinkish and then normal again. He is dismissed not five minutes later.
He turns back to me just before closing the door, "Ryan Scott, third year, pleased to meet you." He closes the door behind him and I am faced with a slightly irate Pomfrey.
"Have you cast any spells today?" She asks, conjuring a seat and sitting down in front of me.
"No, it was all note taking and essay making today," I answer her truthfully, grimacing at the boring classes.
"Alright, I want you to try and levitate that book," She points to a thick medical journal on the bedside table next to us. I raise my eyes slightly but take my wand out.
"You do know we haven't actually cast the spell in class yet, don't you?" I ask as I point my wand at the book, swish and flick I think doing so. I mutter the incantation under my breathe, watching in satisfaction as the book floats steadily off the table and towards Madame Pomfrey, where I direct it to drop gently in her lap.
"From that performance, I beg to differ," Pomfrey answers me, sending the book back with a wave of her own wand. "So you can easily cast first year spells, and apparently seventh year warding spells, so how about we try something a bit more powerful?"
"Like the Patronus charm?" I ask, sitting up straighter in excitement.
"That charm takes more than the raw power you seem to possess; it takes a strong happy memory as well as a steady core. With how strong your core is and the odd reaction to exhaustion, I wouldn't say your core is steady enough for that charm just yet,"
"What about Stupefy and Enervate?" I ask, grinning wildly as Pomfrey seems to be debating my suggestion. "Worst that could happen is you wake up in like twenty minutes." I add, grinning as she nods. She gets up, gesturing for me to get off the bed and takes my place on it.
"Wait." I stand, open mouthed looking at eh old Matron, "Are you really going to let me do that?"
"I need to see how powerful you are, and in order to do so I need you to perform stronger spells." I shrug and quickly shoot my wand forward, Pomfrey is unconscious, hanging over the bed before she can change her mind. I shake my head at her trust. I could do anything right now; I could kill her – not that I would! Shaking my head from the stupid thoughts, I cast the reverse spell, "Enervate" And watch as Madame Pomfrey slowly comes back to, shaking her body slightly as she sits up, looking at me contemplatively.
"How long was I out?" she asks, standing up.
"Less than a minute," I answer, "I brought you back to immediately." Her eyes widen in obvious shock.
"So you cast Stupefy and almost immediately after cast the Enervate charm?" She asks.
"Yes," I nod, frowning up at her, "Why?"
"Can you try the Patronus charm for me?" She then asks, a flicker unreadable light in her eyes.
"But you said I wasn't stable enough to cast it."
"You woke someone from unconsciousness almost immediately, that takes concentration. Try it, I assume you know the incantation?"
In answer, I think of my friends, of the love and acceptance I feel when I am with them. Of the carefree attitude we have. "Expecto Patronum." I state clearly, almost bursting with love. Out of my wand comes a small, pure white puppy. Despite the lack of coloring, I immediately recognize it as aa much younger Tj. He bounds over to me, tail wagging. I bend down, eyes already watering at seeing my recently deceived dog running for a hug. I immediately bend down and am met with the shadow of kisses over my face.
"I have missed you so much baby boy," I whisper, holding the soft, but touchable light in my arms, laughing through my tears as he answers with more kisses. "I can't wait to see you again, Tj," I murmur, hugging him tighter as I feel him start to fade. "thank you, thank you so much for coming to see me!" With a sob, I watch as Tj is once again taken from me too soon. For a light spell that needs happiness, it certainly didn't bring me any happiness.
Sure, seeing him again was great… but he was a light. My baby boy, just a phantom light to scare away Dementors. I can't even give him a proper hug any more.
I wish my patronus could have been anything but Tj as the old pain in my chest, which I had though healed, reopens. The pain at losing him so soon, at only five years old comes back.
Without thinking or saying a goodbye, I run from the Hospital Wing, losing myself in the castle as sobs tear themselves from my throat. I eventually find myself in one of the towers, judging by the star charts, I take a guess I have found myself in the Astronomy tower.
Taking a deep breath, I head outside to the balcony, looking down at the ground scarily far away. In the distance is the forbidden forest, a dark figure vanishing into the trees as I glance away. My thoughts on my sister, whom I am probably never going to see again. On my mum and dad, whom I had gone to bed after a row. A stupid row. Over me spending too much time on my computer. I had slammed the door in their faces. What do they think now? That I ran away? Are they even looking for me? What about Lisa? What does she think? Is she thinking about me at all? Or forgotten me, like she did with Tj.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, losing myself in the cold, crisp wind cutting through the air.