I refuse to believe they stopped being friends so fast. and I separated this chapter in four parts for a very specific reason that you will see in a bit

Mummified my teenage dreams
No, it's nothing wrong with me
The kids are all wrong
The story's all off
Heavy metal broke my heart
-Fall Out Boy, Centuries

Alphabetical order dictates my locker is after Judy's with Christina's on the other side of Joyce's, so we gather around our lockers while we compare our schedules. I have one of them in all of my classes except for English. I was hoping to be alone a bit more, but I don't know what I expected at a school this small. Why can't I go to school in the city? Then I'd never have to make friends.

After the schedules have been thoroughly examined, the others leave. I turn and start putting my stuff away, organizing my books based on time. I have gym last period, and I'm so happy I can just leave and get home to shower the sweat off.

"Cordelia?"

I turn around quickly and see Ruth standing behind me. How long has she been there? "Yeah?" I question carefully. I don't want to fight her today.

"I'm sorry about Friday," she says, blushing dark. Why is she apologizing? "I'm, I'm not good at being around new people."

I laugh. "I could tell," I tell her honestly. Her blush somehow manages to deepen. I shake my head. "Don't worry about it," I insist. I'm actually glad she's apologizing. I'm no good at being around new people either, but at least I'm not mean to them.

"I'll see you in class?"

I nod. "Yeah."

She leaves and I turn back to my locker. Okay, so that could have been worse. Maybe today won't be as bad as I think it will.

"Cora?" I hear behind me. I wish I could just finish my morning routine and get to homeroom. But the use of my nickname makes my stomach drop. I turn. Vern is standing there smiling so much it must hurt.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," I reply slowly. "Nice shirt," I tell him. It's the truth – his shirt is black and surprisingly slimming – but I allow my voice and inflexion to cause uncertainty.

Vern, the boy everyone thinks is so stupid and slow, picks up on it immediately. His eyes grow wide and he glances down at himself quickly.

I close my locker and leave while he's still confused, and I realize what I'm going to have to do. I don't like it. I'm fighting to stay upright; I'm fighting not to leave for good.

I'm going to have to cut every tie with them, and I don't know how to do it without being a complete asshole.

Teddy comes up to me after Science, when I'm on my way to History. He hits my shoulder with his and I freeze. We're in the open. Everyone can see us.

I don't want to be sent away.

I grab him and drag him to the closest gap in the lockers. "What do you want?" I demand quietly, glancing over my shoulder. Anyone could see us.

He laughs, and I glance over my shoulder again. Can't he just be quiet? "I knew you couldn't resist me."

"Shut up Teddy."

He laughs again, and I flinch. "I know you were still Cora."

"My name is Cordelia," I remind him quickly. "And when I said shut up, I meant it. I want you to stay the hell away from me!"

He looks surprised, and I leave before he can speak or laugh again. I fight to not look back at him.

I can't help but wonder who will be next.

As it turns out, I don't have to wonder long. I take my seat in the history classroom and wait to see who else is in the class with me.

Gordie enters and I look away quickly. I grab my binder and pull out a blank sheet of paper. I make myself look busy so maybe he won't see me.

"Seat taken?" I glance up and see fate is not on my side today. I feel sick. I should go home and beg mom to let me stay home forever.

He's waiting for me to speak, and I wish he'd just leave. It was easier with Vern and Teddy, but not with him. I can't handle him too.

My eyes flicker to the door and I force myself to smile. "Yes," I tell him. I raise my hand. "Ruth, over here!" I call. She turns and smiles when she sees me. "I saved you a seat!" I nod to the seat next to me.

While she's on her way over, I turn to Gordie. "Sorry," I say, but I try not to sound sorry at all.

Gordie leaves and sits at one of the desks behind us. Ruth slides into the seat next to me and thanks me for saving her a spot.

I don't fight the urge to look back at Gordie. He's watching me.

I hate myself for this. I really do.

I manage to avoid Chris all day. We have Algebra together, but when I get to the classroom, Amber calls me over and I sit next to her. I force myself not to look over at him.

I go to my locker at the end of the day. The college classes are the only classes I have homework for. If none of this had happened, I'd probably be heading for the library with Chris and Gordie. I get a jolt, but I push it down. I can't keep getting these; they can't be healthy.

I put my books in my bag and pause. I feel someone watching me, and I turn around slowly.

This is exactly what I didn't want.

"Are you going to say something?" I ask Chris after a long moment of silence. I want it to come out harsher, but it doesn't. I don't know if I can do this again with him.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks, moving his books from one hand to the other.

I swallow hard. "I think you can guess."

"Talk to me," he begs. He takes a step towards me. If I could, I'd take a step back, but my locker makes that impossible. "Is it about the trip?"

"I never should have gone." I tell him quickly. "Going was the worst mistake I ever made. Everyone would be better off if I hadn't gone." I almost want to tell him, but he'll tell me I'm being stupid, I know he will. I don't want him to think I'm stupid.

"Cora-"

I shake my head and he cuts himself off. "Don't talk to me." He starts to speak, but I shake my head again "If, if there was anything between us, you'd do this for me. Just leave me alone, Chris, please," I beg. It would just be easier if he stopped now, while we were both ahead.

"You can't do that. You can't just start something and then do this!" He shouts the last word. I flinch. If he won't drop it, I'll have to make him. I don't want to pull this, but it looks like I have to.

"Stay away from me, Chambers."

I turn on my heels quickly, but not quick enough to miss the hurt that flashes across his face. I feel tears stinging the back of my eyes, and I hate myself for what I've done.

Maybe it wasn't worth it, after all.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing