Chapter 14: For the First Time

Azula held her daughter, examined the tiny hands and the tiny fingers. Her little baby wiggled and cooed, and tiny golden eyes looked up at her for a few seconds before they closed again and her little girl yawned.

That was the moment it all became real for her. Hunching over her daughter, Azula cried deep, shaking sobs. It wasn't a sad cry or an angry cry. It wasn't an "I've lost control of my emotions cry." She couldn't figure out what the reigning emotion was, other than that it was overwhelming, and she needed to let it out, and there was no way she could stop it if she wanted.

Two strong arms held her, pulled her close, and she rested her head on the offered shoulder.

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" Aang asked.

Azula only nodded, and Aang stroked their daughter's hair as Azula wept, and finally she handed the child to Aang, for a moment too overwhelmed by everything to do much more than lay down and cry. She turned her back on Aang, feeling like she was already walking away from the situation. Earlier, she'd told him that, once the baby was born, he could have it—her—and she didn't care what happened to either one of them. So much had happened to them both since then, but Azula wanted desperately to believe that the hard part was over.

The baby began to cry, and when Aang got up from the bed, she pulled the blankets over her head and buried herself, attempting to hide from it all.

"Azula, I think she's hungry."

Azula shoved a wad of blanket in her mouth and pretended like she didn't hear.

"Here you go," Aang said, struggling to hold the baby still as she drank greedily from the bottle. "I guess you were really hungry, huh?"

Aang smiled when she peeped at him, her eyes opening momentarily. Everything about her was so very tiny. Even the clothes they had for her seemed large compared to the tiny body they were supposed to fit. He just hoped someone would come along and help him out before he had to put the clothes on her.

As the baby suckled, Aang leaned his head back against the windowsill. He'd taken her to the nursery after Azula refused to feed her or acknowledge either one of them. He'd taken it hard, even though Katara had prepared him for Azula rejecting the baby. Things had been going so well, though. She'd held the baby and cuddled her and even did the first feeding and helped with the first diaper changing. But then, without warning in the middle of the night, she'd just decided she didn't want anymore.

Truthfully, it made him angry. It was one thing if she just out and out couldn't deal with any of this. But this acceptance followed by rejection felt deliberate. As if she tried it out, decided she didn't like it, then wanted nothing more to do with him or the baby. He couldn't do it on his own, certainly not if he was expected back in Ba Sing Se in a few weeks. He'd still need help, and lots of it.

"I thought I'd find you here," Ursa whispered as she opened the door to the nursery.

Aang was too tired to say much of anything, so he only shrugged and looked out at the city. It was beautiful at night, but every time his daughter made the slightest sound, he couldn't help looking at her again. He'd forgotten that Ursa was even there until he heard her sigh softly. When he looked up, she was holding a tiny dress.

"What do you say we get some clothes on her?" she asked.

Aang nodded. "But she needs to be burped, first."

Maybe he was just overly tired, but everything had a surreal quality to it. Maybe it was the soft light coming from the stars and the moon outside. When Ursa came towarde him, he reluctantly handed over his baby, awkward in his attempt to support as much of her as possible while still letting her go. When Ursa smiled at him, he mumbled something about protecting her and not wanting to drop her.

She said nothing more, except to answer his questions, as she helped him burp and dress his daughter for bed. It wasn't until after they'd tucked the baby away in her crib that he realized that Ursa never even asked her name. He wasn't even sure that he and Azula had come to a decision yet. In his mind, though, he'd always thought of her as his heart, Xin.

The sun was harsh, and Azula could see it even through the curtains and with her eyes closed. She groaned and rolled over, her entire bottom half aching. She felt dazed, like she did back at the asylum when they forced the drugs down her throat.

It was the sharp, piercing cry that cut through the fog of sleep and half remembered dreams. She knew why she ached so much. She'd just give birth. To a baby. A real baby. Aang's baby. And there he was, sitting in a chair across the room, huge bags under his eyes and gently bouncing the baby.

"You're awake."

Azula nodded.

"Do you want to hold her?"

She shrugged. Right, she had a daughter. Girls bonded with their mothers. They would expect her to teach the little girl everything she needed to know about being a girl. She was so very tiny, squirming there in Aang's arms, swathed in a golden blanket. She let out another piercing screech that made Azula's ears hurt, and she cringed.

"She's hungry. Do you want to feed her?"

"Water."

"You'll have to hold her, then. I can't do both."

There was something about Aang's voice, some undertone, or maybe it was in his eyes, that said this was not an option. She would hold this baby, and he would get her water. Azula studied him, and Aang met her gaze, all the while doing his best to soothe the baby. When she tried to push herself back against the pillows, her arms were much weaker than she'd expected. Had birth taken that much out of her?

When he was closer, Azula could practically read the sleep deprivation on Aang's face. One eye was closed more than the other, but his arms and his voice were steady as he instructed her on how to hold the baby and support her little non-existent neck. When the baby was securely in her arms, Aang grabbed the cup from her bedside table and went to get the promised water. A tiny fist beat against her breast, and this, too, caused its own sort of pain. Both Katara and Ursa had instructed her on breast feeding, and the other aches and pains that would come along with milk-glands. In her mind, Azula told this child of hers that she'd do it one more time, just once more, and then she was done, but tiny golden eyes looked at her again. This little baby of hers had a hard stare. She would need to break her of that.

Would she break this child as she'd been broken?

The tears started again, but Azula didn't push the feeding child away, even if it was uncomfortable, because she remembered her promise. She'd told herself that this was a chance to undo all the things that had been done to her. She had a real chance to purge herself of Ozai and Azulon, to prove to herself that she was no longer the monster they created. She'd been beaten and molded until she was what they wanted. Now she had a chance for what she wanted, and this…this little thing in her arms was it.

"I'll call Katara, so she can give you a checkup," Aang said, but he didn't go anywhere. He sat on the bed beside her, his arm around her shoulder, not pulling, not pushing. Just sitting.

By the third day, Aang noticed, Azula was much better. She did everything with an air of reluctance, but she did it. She fed and changed diapers, helped bathe, and clothe. If their daughter cried during the night, sometimes Azula was the one to get up, but she did it grudgingly, and only if Aang pretended to be asleep. All this he could deal with, and deal he did, because it wasn't like there was any other choice.

"You guys are good to move to the nursery today," Katara said as she put her healing water back in the bowl. "Have you decided on a name yet?"

Aang was leaning against the window, watching Azula struggling to hold the baby for her exam. He'd resigned himself to accepting that she would just forever be awkward with holding something so small. Azula grunted in frustration, mumbling something about wishing she had more hands. Katara glanced at him before stepping forward to help, but Aang shook his head. Azula was a hands-on learner and hated to be coddled. He could only hope that she was the same in this. Maybe the more time she spent with the baby, the more comfortable she would be with holding her. Azula struggled for a little longer, but finally settled, the baby nestled in the crook of her arm.

"Sonam," Azula said. "Her name is Sonam."

Azula chose an Air Nomad name. Katara was asking something, and Azula was answering, but he could really hear what they were saying. Azula had chosen an Air Nomad name, and more than that, it was one that he'd put on a list and folded inside one of the baby books. He didn't even think Azula had been reading those. The books were all in the nursery, and she rarely left the birthing room, and certainly hadn't had any books brought to her. Aang watched as Azula wiped the baby's face, half listening to Katara give instructions about consistent feeding and sleeping schedules and making sure Sonam was burped after every feeding.

After Katara finally left, saying she'll arrange to have their things moved to the nursery, Aang slowly came to sit next to Azula.

"What made you choose Sonam?"

"Technically, you chose it," she said, shrugging.

"Yeah, but you're the one who told Katara. We never really talked about it, so…I wasn't sure."

"It's a good name."

Aang nodded, not sure what else to say, not wanting to push it.

"Now let's go," Azula said. "I'm tired of this room."

A/N: So, there you have it! Baby's got a name, now, and there's a cute moment of Aang and Sonam just after she's born. Hopefully, by now, you guys are beginning to see the slight changes in Aang. Since he didn't have as far to go (compared to Azula), I've always seen his changes being subtle.