A Crown of Stars
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Part 25
The Only Question That Ever Matters
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Shinji heard the water stop, and didn't know whether he should sigh in relief or disappointment. He'd had the breakfast tray filled and ready for the last couple of minutes, minutes that he'd spent staring at the dishes he'd readied and the rose in a small vase he had the house system provide on his request, trying to nerve himself up to pick it up and carry it into the bedroom. It had proved to be a difficult struggle. But now the water had stopped. Either Asuka didn't want him to come redeem his offer, or she'd gotten tired of waiting. In either case, he wasn't going to gain anything by standing here until she came out to find him. Picking up the tray and holding it in front of him like a shield, he carried it into the bedroom.
Asuka was waiting for him. Wrapped in a blood-red bathrobe and towel, she was curled up in the bed like a ruby cat, slender fingers tapping gently together as she watched him like a hawk as he carried the tray in. Good gods,she looked hot. Her oh gods long, smooth legs peeking out from the edge of the robe were—'FOCUS, Ikari!' He saw her eyebrow rise when she spotted the rose.
"My, my, Third. How fancy. Finally treating me as you should, I see," was all she said.
'Alright, she hasn't killed me yet. So far, so good. She's not giving me a lot of cues to go by either, though. She doesn'tlookmad, but this is Asuka, so it's probably a safe assumption. Please don't let me screw this up!' He carefully placed the tray on the bed between them. The bed was wide enough that they could have the breakfast tray in the middle and still have plenty of space to lie on each side. Shinji lay down opposite her and fiddled with his own small plate of toast. "Well, we had an... um... unusual day yesterday. I got my parents back, but your day seemed a bit more... um... filled with difficult revelations. I figured you should have a nice and easy day today. Breakfast in bed felt like a good place to start." 'Don't say 'I'm sorry', or she'll kill me. Don't say 'I'm sorry', or she'll kill me. Don't say 'I'm sorry', or she'll kill me.'
Asuka gave him a level stare. "Careful, Third, I might get used to this." Her eyes drifted to the dish at the center of her side. "Well, well. Waffles. As... promised." She looked him right in the eyes again, very calmly challenging him without a word.
Shinji managed to keep himself from audibly swallowing, but could not stop the bead of sweat he felt trickling down his left temple. He had the strong feeling that squeaking 'Oh, you were awake for that?' would not get a positive reaction. Alas, her lack of cues was leaving him completely unsure if he should even mention... the... rest... oh dear. If she was awake enough to hear and remember the 'waffles' bit, she had to be awake for the 'wash your back' part... and the kiss. 'Oh gods... 'Don't say 'I'm sorry', or she'll kill me. 'Don't say 'I'm sorry', or she'll kill me. But now what? Is she mad? Think FAST, Ikari!'
"It... it took me a little while to make it all. I'm sorry..." Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "...if I took too long. You got out of the shower fairly quickly." Her eyes widened right back up. 'Whew! Ok, ball's back in your court, Asuka. You'vegotto give me some clue how you feel about all this to reply to that! ...right?'
Shinji spared a second's thought at how lucky he was that he found her sapphire eyes so captivating. The red bathrobe was clinging to all her curves, and the relatively loose tie up front was giving an extremely tempting glimpse of her ivory skin and cleavage, especially as she was now half reclined to start taking bites of the breakfast he'd brought in. Yes, this would probably be a bad time for his eyes to get caught diving between her slightly exposed breasts, that still had little drops of water clinging—Eyes UP, Ikari!
She finished her bite of waffle and looked back up at him, thankfully one second after he'd managed to bring his own eyes back from their little safari south. Her oh-so-damn-blue eyes were boring into his in a frightening new way; there was barely a trace of the bitterness or cynical anger that nearly always haunted them since they'd awoken on that blood-tinted beach four years ago. She was just looking at him, her gaze as plain and clear as he'd ever seen it. And it was terrifying in its openness. Shinji fought not to start shaking.
"So," Asuka said with frightening calm, "If I'd still been in the shower, would I be seeing you coming in?"
Shinji's pulse stated climbing a little further towards the ionosphere. This was not quite giving him any clues as to how to jump. Or if it was, they were clues in a very scary direction. One that he was definitely not sure he was ready for outside of his dreams. The last step he'd tried in that direction had ended with Asuka weeping next to him in the bed for half the night, and himself feeling little better.
Asuka continued in that same terrifying calm after the barest pause, "I seem to recall you saying something about 'washing my back', right before you..."
'I'm sor—' Shinji bit his tongue, hard. 'Don't say it! Don't say it! Don't even think it! Not now! This is what I've spent the last three yearsdreamingabout! She's here, right in front of me, and talking right to me, just like I wanted! If only I had some idea of what tosay!'
"Right before I kissed you," he heard himself say.
The air in the room positively rang in the silence that followed. Asuka's eyes were absolutely magnetic now. He could not look away.
"Yes," she finally said, after a long, heart stopping moment for Shinji. "Before you kissed me. Did you mean it?"
"I... I m-meant it. Do... do you want me to?" Shinji could not prevent his voice from climbing some, but at least kept it from withering to a squeak.
Asuka held his eyes for another agonizingly long moment. "No."
Shinji could not contain the almost octave-higher "No?" that escaped him.
Asuka calmly took another bite of waffle and looked back at him. "Not yet."
Shinji's heart filed a formal complaint about all the near-heart-attacks he was registering this morning, and threatened to pull the plug on him staying conscious if he kept this up.
"I'm rather impressed you'd make the offer, Third. I didn't think you had it in you, or wanted to," she continued. "You haven't even so much as tried to touch me since... that first time. Even though I offered." He could now detect a faint, strained note underlying her calm tone. She looked up from her plate and stopped. Her stare bore a close resemblance to a laser, now.
"I'm sorry." The laser took on a painfully familiar hostile edge. Shinji swallowed through a suddenly bone dry throat and pressed on. "I... I want to. You are beautiful, Asuka. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I... I want to be with you, but I can't... I can't... I won't do things that hurt you. That night, when we... when I tried to... to..." He looked down and flushed bright red. "To have sex with you... I could see... that what I was doing was hurting you. I... I... I want to help you somehow and be with you forever. But I can't do anything that hurts you, not like that. When you are hurt, I feel it too. I can't hurt you, Asuka. I've already hurt you enough before, and you... mean too much ...to me." Shinji couldn't look up from the spot on the sheets in front of him. "I know you don't think much of philosophy, Asuka, but that's something I learned when I was studying in Boston; I can't accept happiness that is bought with someone else's pain. Especially if it's yours. When you are unhappy, I'm unhappy too."
Shinji trailed off into silence. When the quiet grew long, he finally nerved himself to look back up at her.
She was staring at him, eyes as wide as he'd ever seen. Her lips were moving as if she was whispering something, but he didn't hear anything. She blinked and focused back in on him, eyes narrowing a bit. "'I want to help you somehow and be with you forever.' You've said that before, during... Instrumentality. I refused you then. You just wanted someone, anyone to take care of you. It could have been Misato, Wondergirl, anybody."
"No," Shinji somehow found the will to reply. "Just you... just you. I lost Rei and I kept going. I lost Kaworu and I kept going. I lost Misato and I kept going. Then I lost you... I failed you... and I couldn't..." He pinched his eyes shut, unable to keep looking her in the eye when saying this. "I... when I begged you to help me... and you refused, with the whole human race being destroyed... I'm no better than you, Asuka. They were only being destroyed because of me in the first place." 'Rayana was right. I'm no better than my father. I'd destroy the whole world for one person.'"I... I attacked you because it hurt so much. I thought you, you of all people would understand. I needed you. You were the one who was so much like me. When you rejected me... I thought… if you would reject me, then no one else could possibly want me. You were all my hope, Asuka."
"I rejected you. Even at that price. The whole of humanity's survival wasn't enough to overcome my pride." Asuka's voice was as dry as ash. "I'd rather see everyone lost than unbend enough to help even someone as low as you. ...so why are you still here? I'm terrible. I sold myself to Winthrop rather than talk to you. Why... why are you still looking at me? I've never given you anything. Your whole life would be better without me. Why do you keep coming back? Why are you still looking at me?" When Shinji raised his head again, it was her this time that couldn't meet his gaze. He could see her starting to shake. "I'm filthy. I call you stupid and yell at you for trying to protect people. I hurt you without even thinking. Why did you hold me? Why did you call me beautiful? Why did you... kiss me?" Her eyes snapped back to his. "Tell me why," she said, her voice barely audible.
"You... you're not terrible, Asuka. I called you beautiful because... because you are. I spent I don't know how long after I woke up just staring at your smile, because it was the most wonderful thing I've seen in years. I held you because I felt more... happy, more alive when I did it than any other time in my life. I kissed you because..." He closed his eyes to pen in the tears that threatened to escape. 'Because I've wanted to for years. Because I dream about it all the time. Because a world without you lacks any other meaning for me. Because I think I love you. Saysomething, Ikari!'"Because I thought I was dreaming a good dream, and I wanted to make you happy. I know I was awake now...and I would still do it again."
The silence stretched until Shinji could barely stand it. Behind his still closed eyes, he waited for the slap, the scream at him to get out, to get his perverted face away from her, to leave her alone. Everything he'd always gotten, always expected from her. He tensed himself to run the moment it began.
It did not come. He faintly heard Asuka whispering something, over and over. He forced his eyes open. She was staring at the tray, her lips moving over and over in one repeated phrase.
Abruptly she stopped, took a deep breath, and looked up at him again. Her eyes glittered as she coolly and steadily laid out damning words. "I have been a hideous bitch to you since the moment we first saw each other. I hurt you every time I open my mouth. I turned your First Kiss into a mockery because I told you I was bored. I was too much a coward to say what I really wanted. I fell apart as a Pilot because I couldn't keep ahead of you. I cursed you for failing to help me when I needed you, even though you were as much a wreck as I had been an hour before. You kept me alive for six months after the end of the world, and in return I sold my body to a brutal thug because I was a coward. I blamed you for leaving me when it wasn't your fault. I called you a fool for caring about anyone but yourself when the secret police hauled away random people in the streets. I hurt you as badly as I could possibly think of when you had the gall to stop me from killing myself in despair. I forced you to kill with me when I knew how much you hated it. I wouldn't even let you finish asking me if I cared about you before I told you 'No'. I told you 'No' and still surrendered to you when I thought I didn't deserve it and did not even expect you to say 'Yes'. I have never had the courage to ask the reverse. I demanded unconditional affection and closeness from you and did not give anything back because I was too afraid to let anyone near me, but couldn't bear to let you go. I just demanded you be there for me. I have brought you nothing but pain from the day we met. I am a liar, a whore, and an evil black-souled bitch whose own mother and father didn't want her. I am undeserving of any love. And I have flatly said to your face that I do not love you. All that, and you are still here."
She closed her eyes for a long breath. She pushed the breakfast tray out from between them and locked eyes with him more intensely than he'd ever seen before. "And you are still looking at me, Shinji. So no more running away. I've finally found the courage to ask; Shinji Ikari, do..." Her fists tightened around handfuls of the sheets until they were shaking and white. They shook, but her eyes never wavered. "Do you... love me?"
Holding her gaze was the hardest thing Shinji had ever done. The hardest thing he'd ever do, besides answering her. His heart pounded until it threatened to burst out of his chest. He licked dry lips and gathered every scrap of courage he had into the willpower to force one word out past his trembling lips.
"Yes."
"S-say it. P-please...I need to hear you say it."
"...I love you, Asuka Langley Sohryu," he breathed like a prayer.
"...why?" she said in a very soft whisper.
"What?"
She didn't seem aware of the tear that had started to trickle down her face. "Why? I didn't have to tell you all those horrible things about me. I did most of them to you. How can you still bear to look at me? I've hurt you in every way I could to keep you away. How can you still love me?"
"Because just being around you makes me feel more alive. Because you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Because when I see you smile, the whole world glows. Because when I kiss you I feel like I'm on fire. Because when I held you I didn't care about anything else. Because I can't imagine a world without you. Because..." His voice broke. "Because when you are happy, it makes me feel the same. When you cry, I cry. When you hurt, I hurt."
She was shaking like a leaf in a sharp breeze. 'Be honest and don't be afraid covered. Time to be there for her,'he thought. Shinji pushed the breakfast tray further out of the way and scooted across the gap between them. He tried to ignore how badly his hands were shaking as he pulled her to rest against his chest. The tingling buzz he started to get from feeling her damp hair against his t-shirt and her warm weight against his body helped.
"When I woke up, I was holding you, and you were smiling. I've had dreams like that, so I thought... it was another one. So I did what I liked to do in those dreams; I tried to make you happy," he said.
Asuka placed her arms on his where they wrapped around her and pulled them tighter. "I... I kept having nightmares last night," she said. "Bad ones, worse than usual. I kept waking up. And...and when we were napping yesterday, I didn't have any. And I think it was because..." Asuka took a deep breath. "Because I was holding on to you when I woke up. I was so cold, and didn't want to have more nightmares, so I... I... moved over so you could keep me warm. You put your arm around me. I wasn't cold anymore, and I didn't have more nightmares. I... used you, but... thank you."
Shinji was glad she couldn't see him blush with her head tucked under his chin. "You were crying in your sleep again yesterday, during that nap. You do that... too much. I hate hearing it. But yesterday, when I heard you doing it again, and I'd just swore to you I'd do anything to take away your pain... I couldn't just listen anymore. I swear I was just trying to pull you a little closer to... to... I don't know, give you a hug in your sleep, hoping it would help. You rolled all the way over and grabbed on to me. You stopped crying, so I just stayed like that. You seemed happy."
She twisted enough in his arms to get a look at his face. "You did what, Third Child? You? Reached out to me?" A familiar cynical flavor had reappeared in her voice, but he could hear the amused note with it this time.
He felt a smile growing as he nodded down to her upturned face. "I promised."
She met his smile for a moment, then untwisted to her previous position. "When I woke up, I couldn't believe what happened. I thought I was dreaming. I couldn't imagine the Third Child talking like that, kissing me, and walking off with a wink like you'd suddenly turned into Kaji-junior. I don't know what I'd have done if you'd actually walked into the bathroom while I was in the shower. It might not have been pretty. I didn't know who to expect when you came back in. The Third Child I'd always known, or the one I'd just woken up next to. I just wanted to give you a little push to see how you'd react when I asked. I didn't expect it to turn into... this." She left that thought incomplete, and they sat in silence for a while. The dawn light outside slowly brightened.
"Shinji..." she began much more cautiously, "...this... isn't going to be easy. I know...I can be hard to live with. And you… we've both got... a lot of problems."
She looked at him in surprise as he started to laugh quietly. "Asuka, both of our parents practically dumped us by the side of the road before we were four. Both of us have actually died in combat with alien monsters before we were fifteen. We outlived the end of the world, and then some. Why should anything in our lives be easy, even the good things?"
"And this is a good thing?" she asked as she squeezed his arms around her again.
"The best, Asuka. The best in the world."
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Neither one felt much like moving for quite some time. After Shinji's stomach began to rumble, Asuka did briefly lean forward enough to drag the breakfast tray back within reach, and they finished their breakfast still leaning against each other. Even after all the food had been finished, they were both reluctant to move, lest the spell that had somehow let them get there be broken. But eventually the demands of Asuka's drying hair and Shinji's bladder won out, and they rose from the bed.
Asuka was finishing brushing out her hair in the bathroom when Shinji returned with the flat wooden box he'd been holding yesterday when she'd walked in on his video call with 'Commander Ikari'. She shot him a questioning look.
He handed her the box with a small smile. "Turns out, there is an HMS Shinji Ikari. Right before you came in during that call yesterday, she sent me this."
Asuka rolled her eyes at the fearsome expression on the Third Child on the cover emblem. "That's a look I haven't seen on you much." She wrestled with her rusty knowledge of kanji to read the motto on the bottom of the emblem. "'Here I Stand And Here I Remain'?" She snorted. "Appropriate for you."
"Take a look inside. Our analogues' daughter sent that to give me hope and confidence in the future."
Asuka opened the box and stared at the picture inside. "I don't think I've ever smiled like that in my life," she said after a long, silent look.
"You have," Shinji said. She looked at him with an expression of mild disbelief on her face. "Yesterday, on the beach. It was so amazing, I didn't know what to say. I almost..." He looked away and rubbed the back of his head, blushing. "I almost reached out to hold you right then. You looked so hurt when that smile faded."
Asuka expression shifted to a narrow-eyed glare reminiscent of ones she used to give him in school. "Let that be a lesson to you, Third; you see me feeling like that again, you are now under orders to hold me and make me feel better. Got it?"
"Zu Befehl, L-liebling." Shinji stuttered, reddening further.
"Gut." Asuka looked back down at the picture, blinked, and snapped her head back up. "Wait, since when do you know German?"
"Um... since yesterday. A-after you said... what you said in the dojo, I called her to ask for advice. She transported me to... um, 'my' ship, and one of her kids gave me a crash course in German and a few other things, plus some family stories about how 'their' you and me got together."
"Hmm, clever, Thir-...Shinji. Still full of surprises, you are. A NILS course?"
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"How do you think I learned how to fly my new toy so fast? Yes, I am a naturally expert genius, but I still need more than a few hours to get that good that fast," she said, and looked back down at the note inside the front cover. "Flurgen kanji. I'll need to get a course in Japanese so I never have to worry about kanji again. What's the note say?"
"'Family is always with you. You get what you give, so give it all. And don't forget to push back! -Love, the Sohryu-Ikari family PS: You have to send us yours in 30 years!'" Shinji blushed again at the last part. "The 'push back' part is what made me think to call her, after you said that."
"Good... wait, she sent this before I went swimming. I didn't say that until hours later. Huh?"
"Yeah, that was kind of weird. I guess their Asuka said something like that too."
Asuka shook her head. "This place gets weirder every time I turn around. Witch Queens, people with wings, people back from the dead, at least three copies of us running around, and a bartender that looked like a dragon. I'd ask 'what's next?', but I bet that would count as tempting fate around here."
"What is next? I mean, yesterday was pretty wild, but what are we doing today?" Shinji asked.
"I don't know what we're doing today, but for now you are getting a shower. I don't care how good you smell, you still need to be clean before we go out for anything," Asuka insisted. "I'm getting dressed."
Shinji nodded. "Okay, I'll... wait, what did you just say?"
Asuka blinked at him, then reddened. "Um. Nothing," she said quietly.
Shinji had frozen two steps towards the shower stall. "You think I smell good?"
Asuka's face started to resemble the color of her hair. "Maybe a little..." My, the floor tiles were fascinating this morning. "You did smell kind of... good. It was kind of nice waking up feeling warm and... stuff. Um. Get in the shower, Th-" Shinji's arms circling around her cut her off.
"That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Asuka. Thank you." He squeezed her for a moment, then returned to heading for the shower.
It took several seconds for her to unfreeze and quickly walk into the bedroom to find clothes for the day. It was shock that held her in place as he shucked off his t-shirt and boxers and got in the shower. Not at all an interest in checking out his buns, really. Nice.
Finding the breakfast tray gone and the bed already made as she returned to the bedroom caused only a moment's check to her stride. She shrugged and tossed her robe on the bed before tearing into the dresser and wardrobe. She felt a different sort of nervousness selecting undergarments today than she'd had last night. The knowledge that yes, Shinji was definitely looking at her put a whole new spin on it. Knowledge that was still frightening, but in an exciting, wholly different way.
She was lingering over the more interesting end of that drawer when the ceiling pinged at her. "Apologies for the intrusion, Pilot Sohryu. You have an incoming call from Junior Flight Lieutenant of the Blue Ching-Hao Leibshott. Would you like to take it in here as audio-only?" the house system inquired.
"Yes, put her through, BH." She pulled on a pair of panties.
"Good morning, Asuka," her friend's voice greeted her. "Forgot to mention last night, I'm going to be at the doc's for a medical procedure this morning, but I'll be back around lunchtime. You two going to be good for the morning without me?"
Asuka was very glad this was an audio-only call. She didn't even have to try to hide her grin. "Oh, I think we're going to be okay." She shrugged the bra on. The idea of watching the Thir— Shinji trying to get it off her almost made her snicker.
There was a long pause on the other end. "Asuka, why are you smiling?"
Asuka whipped her head around to look out the window. No Ching staring at her from outside. "How did...?"
"I can hear it in your voice. You're damn near singing at me. What's the story?"
"Still figuring it out. I had a good morning, though. I'll tell you later."
"Alright, but I demand juicy details. You sound happy about something. See you later."
"Later." A beep, and the connection ended. "Yeah, definitely still figuring it out." 'What did that woman say at the clinic? 'We're alive and together. We'll figure the rest out.' Yeah. I don't know what to say yet, Ching. I'm still not sure what just happened. But...I don't think that baka even knowshowto lie. He sure can't lie to me. He meant it. I can tell. Oh mein Gott, he loves me.'
The realization was still sinking in. Asuka was finding it harder and harder not to smile. 'He loves me. He swore he'd never abandon me, ever, no matter what. He's mine. Mine! Not Wondergirl's, not Misato's, not anyone's, justmine!'
Hers. She couldn't wait to tell Mama. She pulled on a summery dress and headed for the back bedroom, no longer even trying to fight her smile. The door to her mother's room swung open to reveal Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu sleeping just as she had been left last night. Mother Sriyana was not sitting by the bed, as she had left when the returned last night, quietly assuring Asuka she'd be back once they called or left the house. Asuka was just as happy for this. She wanted to talk to Mama alone.
She sat in the chair by the bedside and took her mother's hand. "Mama... I... the boy I told you and Mother Sriyana about yesterday... he held me. He told me I'm beautiful and kissed me." She wiped at her eyes. "He said it, Mama. He said he loves me! And I know he meant it!"
She paid no further attention to the tears dripping off her smile as she told her mother everything; he felt warm, he looked at her, he kept her nightmares at bay, he swore to her, he loved her, he loved her, he loved her...
Outside, Avalon's primary, Primastra, rose. It was a bright new day.
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Author's Note 23OCT16: Orrrr I can get super busy at work and forget entirely. Oops. Sorry about that, everyone. Here's the promised major talk at last. Updates will resume more regularly, I hope.