Ch. 14 - I need you

So, this chapter and the next one were the hardest but also the most beautiful to write so far. I love them! And I hope you'll enjoy them, too. Reviews are the best! Feel free to have an opinion, good or bad. I appreciate both equally.

Alex was back from medical and she was lying in her bed, waiting for the medicine to work its magic. She was already starting to feel some improvement, since she stopped throwing up and the room stopped spinning. But the pain she was feeling was not only physical. It was in her heart, too. Pain and anger was what she currently felt more than anything. How could Nikita do this to her, she thought. They were supposed to be friends or at least she thought so. She was supposed to be her ally in here, but instead she just threw her to the wolves without looking back. And there it was again. That feeling of complete loneliness coming back to her stronger than before. What was she going to do now? How was she going to survive this with absolutely no one on her side? Lying like that and contemplating her faith, she heard the door open and then close. She didn't have to open her eyes to know who it was. She knew it. She felt it. She felt her and the tension that began to feel the room. Her heart began to beat faster and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. So she kept them closed. She couldn't open them or all hell would break loose and she didn't want that. She didn't want to show any sign of weakness.

"We have to talk" she heard Nikita's low, smoky voice.

Silence…..

"I know you're not sleeping, so get up because we really need to talk."

"And does it have to be right now?" she finally answered, after a few more seconds of deliberate silence, her voice cold and a little bit harsh.

"Yes, it does!"

"Why?"

"Because I say so! Nikita said firmly, but with no hint of anger or impatience in her voice.

"Of course…..and who am I to say otherwise…..well, speak then….I'm all ears…."

More silence…Alex knew she was being watched, but she didn't move. A couple of moments later, she heard Nikita's footsteps and then felt her sitting down on the other side of the bed. She still didn't move. She kept her back turned and just waited.

"How are you feeling?" Nikita asked softly.

"Oh, did you come here to talk about my health? Good! It will be a short conversation then. I'm just peachy! There, subject closed. You can leave now."

"Alex, cut the crap!" Nikita began, a little irritated this time. "You know very well that you've crossed the line today. How could you be so reckless? What did you expect me to do?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe show a little support! A little understanding!" Alex responded reproachfully.

"And then what? Let's say I would've played along. That I would've disregarded Ryan and allowed you to take time off. What then, Alex?"

"What do you mean what then?"

"What do you think the consequences would have been? For the both of us."

"For God's sake! What consequences? I was sick! I just needed to go to medical, get treated, rest a bit and then I would've returned to whatever I was supposed to do! What's the big deal?"

"It is a big deal, Alex! It is a big deal!" Nikita stressed. "You said you wanted me to show you support, understanding? You want to know what would have happened if I would've done that? You wouldn't be here right now because you'd be dead!"

"Oh, please….."

"Listen to me!" Nikita almost shouted.

"You would be dead and I wouldn't be doing a lot better either. You know very well that any kind of close relationships are strictly forbidden. It's their number one rule in here. Forming bonds is regarded as the most dangerous thing a recruit or an agent can do. It's a threat! And threats are eliminated. "

"You and Birkhoff are friends!"

"But you don't see us parading it around! Yes, I consider him a friend and he probably has a soft spot for me, too. That doesn't mean he does me any favors, or at least any obvious ones, or that I allow any technical mistakes from him during missions. What we feel in regards to each other does not interfere with our work. We care for each other, a lot, but we're being smart about it. What you did today was plain stupid!"

Alex was silent. She began to realize that what Nikita was saying was true, but she was still hurt. After a few more seconds of calming herself down, she felt strong enough to turn around and face the other woman.

"I just needed you help….and you just left…."

"And do you think it was easy for me to do that? To hear you scream in pain and spill your guts out?" Nikita asked with desperation in her voice "But leaving was the only way to help you! Alex, I've been here much, much longer than you and I know how things work. Ryan wouldn't have tolerated me undermining his authority like that. He would have gone straight to Amanda. And that's not even the only issue here, Alex. What about later? When you'll be promoted as an agent. When you'll be out there, on missions. Do you think for a second that a cramp or a headache or having a bad day will matter? You will have to complete the mission and stay alive in the process. You'll have no one but yourself and your enemy needs nothing more than a small crack in your defense to take you down. You can't afford to be weak…You can't afford to have your attention distracted by anything or anyone and you certainly can't afford to take a moment to nurse a bruised or broken bone. You need to be strong and in control. I may not always be there to look out for you. At the end of the day, there is no one to rely on but yourself. So, yes. I left you there today to handle it on your own and I would do the same again. And not because I am a complete bitch or because I don't care about you. It's precisely because I do care! A lot! Showing you sympathy when it's not the case or granting you special favors just because I feel sorry for you would be like killing you myself…And I'll be damned if I'll be responsible for that!... I'd rather have you hate me than see you dead!"

By now Alex realized the full extent of her mistake and the truth in Nikita's words. Her anger was suddenly replaced by understanding and she looked up to meet her mentor's gaze.

"I don't hate u….." she said softly. "I never did…..I was just angry…..and sad…." she said, causing Nikita to cringe a bit more on the inside at her words. "But I understand now it was wrong and reckless of me to take advantage of our friendship like that. I'm sorry….it won't happen again…."

"You're not the only one to blame here…." Nikita sighed, lowering her eyes. "I'm equally responsible…if not more…I should be the adult here. I'm your trainer and I should have known better. I let my guard down too much and my mistake put you in danger."

"Hey….no, don't say that, it's not true."

"But it is! And now I have doubts…..I don't know if I'm the right person to train you anymore….Maybe you should be transferred to someone else. It would be the…" Nikita began, but she didn't have the chance to finish her words when Alex suddenly was next to her.

"NO!" the girl protested, taking Nikita's hands into hers. "No! Please, you can't do that! Anything but that! I can't do this without you! You pulled me from the deepest hole and gave me hope again. You are my rock and the reason why I'm still alive in the first place! You can't abandon me now! Not you, too…I couldn't handle it….Please!" Alex finished her desperate plea, with tears in her eyes. She didn't care if she showed her weakness anymore. She just couldn't lose Nikita. It was not an option and she was willing to do anything.

"Alex…."

"Nikita, please…..I will never behave like that again. I've learned my lesson and I understand the danger now. I will do anything you want me to, but don't give up on me….."

Nikita's heart was in pieces. She hated this place more than ever before and she wanted nothing more than to erase it from the face of the earth. The helplessness she felt was driving her insane. She took a few calming breaths and looked at Alex.

"Ok…." she said softly, still not completely sure that she was making the right decision. "But there will have to be boundaries…rules…."

"I can do rules! Rules are fine as long as you're with me…I need you" Alex stressed, making sure that Nikita understood how serious she was.

"Ok…but things will change. From now on you will eat with the other recruits, as you're supposed to. No more dinners or lunches together…..And you will meditate alone. You've learned all there is to know from me, so you will do just fine. We've let things get too far, Alex. And we both got distracted and careless. So no more distractions. We train and that's it. If you need to talk to me about something, I'm always here for you, but nothing more. If you need my help with anything other than what we do in the training room, you come directly to me. You may never approach me like you did today or we're done. Do you understand?"

"I do….." Alex responded sadly. Their alone time together was the highlight of her day and she dreaded losing that. But she was willing to accept anything not to lose Nikita.

"And do you think you can manage that?"

"As long as I have you, I can…."

Nikita smiled sadly and nodded, her eyes never leaving Alex's. A few more seconds passed in complete silence, than she got to her feet and slowly headed for the door.

"I'll let you rest now…..are you feeling better?" she asked, halfway through the room.

"Yes, I am. I guess they gave me the good stuff in there" Alex smiled weakly.

"Ok…I hope you'll recover completely by tomorrow. We still have a lot to do and we only have one month to go…Good night, Alex…." Nikita said and turned around to leave.

"I guess no more good night hugs either, right?"

God….. Nikita said to herself, while stopping for a second and closing her eyes to get a hold of herself.

"No….not anymore….." she said without turning around an in such a small voice that Alex barely heard her. But she did hear her and the sadness in the older woman's voice didn't go unnoticed.

"Good night, sensei…."

She was walking fast. The hallways were dark and empty at that hour and she prayed it would remain so until she got to the auto bay and out of there. She felt like she couldn't breathe and she needed air like never before, so when she reached the surface she closed her eyes, leaned against her car and let the cool air fill her lungs. Suddenly she felt something on her face and when she touched it she opened her eyes in shock. She was crying! She was crying and she didn't even realize it. How could this happen to her? And why now with only so little time left before leaving this place forever? She was feeling an overwhelming sadness and realizing why, shook her to the core. How was she supposed to do this now? How was she supposed to leave without looking back? How was she supposed to run and leave Alex behind?

God damnit! She cursed inwardly while getting behind the wheel and driving away. I need you, too, Alex…