Listening to Why by Rascal Flatts. Well it's Christmas Eve. Sure doesn't feel like it. Sleeping in tomorrow. Finally. Been so busy with running around it's crazy. I thought holidays were relaxing. Oh well. This I suppose is a present for all my readers and reviewers. Thank you so much for all the encouragement. Happy Holidays all! Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Namco owns Tales of Symphonia.
Chapter 14:
Lloyd glared down at Presea, sizing the petite girl up. For some reason, he only now realized how much she had grown since he had last seen her. Her pigtails were gone, her hair long and tied back into a single ponytail. Her features had narrowed out, losing their childishness. He noticed her long outfit, only slightly altered in style to her old one as well. But none of this concerned him. He just hadn't taken the time to realize how his old companions had matured. Seven years was a long time...
"Presea, put down your axe and step aside," Lloyd demanded, staring her down, refocusing on the matter at hand.
Strangely, Presea met his gaze unwaveringly, shifting her axe higher. "Not until you answer some questions of mine. Then I might consider it."
Lloyd frowned, not expecting this approach. He did recall her unique emotional detachment to situations. Was it possible that she had yet to fully regain all of her emotions? Or had she simply just adapted and didn't care to try to express them?
A clap of thunder jarred him from his thoughts and he glanced up, noting that the clouds were opening up and the rain rushed down like a faucet. Colette stood behind Presea, looking at him pleadingly and he sighed as the rainwater drenched the three. "What is it you wish to know?"
"Are you a Cruxian angel?" Her voice was level and expressionless.
"Yes," Lloyd responded in a similar tone.
"Were you responsible for the angels' attack on Iselia?"
"No."
"Do you intend harm on Colette either now or in the future?"
"No."
"How do I know you aren't lying to me?" She studied him.
Lloyd had been expecting such a question and he closed his eyes. "You don't."
Presea frowned, her axe twisting in her grip, her damp, rose-coloured hair hanging in her eyes. "You expect me to trust you?"
"I expect nothing from you," Lloyd answered truthfully. He wasn't deceiving them, if they asked he would tell them what was necessary. Seeing Presea analyze his words and his appearance as if he were a stranger—but to her he suppose he was. His eyes lifted to find Colette, rain coursing down his face and hair in streams. She was upset, but he wasn't sure if it was because of the situation, or because of his responses. He knew Colette wanted him to tell Presea what he told her, but he wouldn't. He saw no point in giving details.
Presea cut into his thoughts and his eyes snapped back to her. "Why did you ignore Genis earlier?"
Lloyd frowned a bit, but kept his tone even. "I had more pressing matters to attend to."
She didn't seem to like his response, but she didn't comment. "I do not trust you." He critical eyes narrowed on to him. "Yet, I will allow you to come in. Do not ask me to leave you in private, however, because I won't." She turned then and entered the house.
Lloyd nearly smiled in spite of himself. The boldness of the small girl's words amused him. She actually believed she could prevent him from acting against her demands. The only reason he was still standing outside was because he refrained from using force, not because she was the one holding the power.
He saw Colette smile and about to rush over to him, but he reached her first, gently gripping her elbow and guided her inside ahead of him. She looked up at him, worriedly, but he kept his face blank, staring ahead of him.
"Lloyd? Are you alright?" Colette reached her hand up to touch his cheek, but he was all too aware of Presea's penetrating gaze and he grabbed her wrist, forcing her hand down.
"I'm fine. I returned to tell you that circumstances have changed."
"Changed? You mean because they know I am here? Should I be moving sooner—?"
Lloyd cut her off. "You are not leaving. Not yet, at least." He frowned, searching for the right words so as not to confuse her and then decided to put it bluntly. "I told Yggdrasill you died. He's called off the search."
"Why would he believe that?" Presea interjected abruptly. "He trusts your word so fully?"
Lloyd glanced at her. "He trusts the facts I've given him and nothing more. He has no reason to believe I would lie to him." He left out his suspicions.
"I wonder..." Presea watched him carefully, but left her statement hanging.
Holding her gaze for a moment longer, Lloyd turned back to Colette, noticing her patient confusion. "You told them I was dead? But—"
"They will no longer be searching for you officially. As long as you remain out of sight, you will no longer be at risk from Cruxis. However you still need to be wary of the Desians." Lloyd cast an eye around the room. "You can remain here for as long as it is safe."
Colette's eyes widened at the realization and threw herself at Lloyd, tears springing to her eyes. "Thank you," she murmured. "Thank you."
Lloyd stood stiffly, aware that Presea was still watching them. When Colette attempted to reach up and kiss him, he pulled back. He saw the immediate disappointment and puzzlement across her face, but he did not want to make this even more troublesome for her. It was bad enough that her friends realized she had been in contact with him. He didn't want them to think of them in a relationship.
It tore at him, not being able to hold her, knowing it would be a while before he would return again. His hand reached down and gripped hers, longing to prolong his departure. "Are you alright?" he asked quietly.
Colette seemed to know what he meant. Not physically, but mentally alright. He saw her hesitate and then try to smile up at him, but Lloyd knew when she was hiding something. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "There is no reason for you to continue defending me."
"Yes there is." Colette frowned, determined. "Why can't you just explain it to them?"
Lloyd searched her face and then glanced at Presea, who was listening quietly. He shook his head again. "It's not necessary to."
"That's not right! They just don't understand! If you explain then—"
"Then what?" Lloyd cut her off sharply. He released her hand and turned his face aside. "I will not make excuses for myself."
Colette went to interject, but Lloyd interrupted. "I'm not going to be able to return for some time." He saw her eyes widened. "I will come when I am able," he reassured her. Lloyd touched her arm gently and turned, walking back out into the rain. He didn't spare a glance at Presea. His teeth clenched angrily as he fought the urge to turn around. He reasoned with himself that Colette would be taken care of. Her friends would see to it that she was watched over and his presence was now even more endangering to her. It was only this thought that allowed him to walk away from her.
"Lloyd! Wait!"
He half turned and Colette threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck, burying her face into his shoulder. The rain fell around them like a curtain. Presea stood in the open doorway, but Lloyd couldn't force Colette away. He didn't want to. He gently caressed her hair and leaned down as if to whisper in her ear. Rather he gave her light kiss on the cheek then spoke softly. "I promise I'll come back."
"I know," she murmured, clutching his vest. "Just be careful."
Lloyd said nothing, but gently pulled away from her and disappeared back into the trees, leaving her watching after him. His hands clenched at his side, before he gathered the mana and warped back to Derris Kharlan. When he opened his eyes, he blinked at the brightness then proceeded to his quarters.
He was relieved Genis had not been there and he was relieved that Colette had someone capable to watch over her in his absence, despite his misgivings of how they would interrogate. Lloyd knew it was foolish to think he could avoid the matter entirely. He had been hoping—hoping for what? More time? For them to forget him? Sighing, he began unbuttoning his sodden vest as he neared his room. Perhaps he would take the next day or so and sleep, mentally rest and refresh his mind. It had been a couple of weeks since he had actually closed his eyes for longer than a couple of hours.
The door slid open and Lloyd froze one step in the room. Kratos sat, leafing through one of the books Lloyd had borrowed from one of the many libraries in Yggdrasill's castle. Lloyd hadn't touched the text since he had found Colette, in fact, he had completely forgotten he had it. However, his attention was more focused on his father, seated on the edge of his bed.
"You smell of rain," Kratos commented suddenly and glanced up at him.
Lloyd shrugged and strode in, throwing his vest over the chair to dry and proceeded to removed his gloves and gauntlets. "I suppose even that would stand out in this place." He laid his gloves down and then looked at his father exasperated. "Why are you here?"
Kratos closed the book, setting it aside. "I wanted to talk to you."
"That much is obvious, but couldn't it wait?" Lloyd muttered, peeling off his wet undershirt and tossed the ball of cloth near the desk. He moved across the room to his closet.
"From what I heard your duties are suspended for the moment. I think now is an appropriate time." Kratos shifted on the bed, watching Lloyd carefully. "Unless you have more pressing plans, of course."
Lloyd hand froze as he reached for a dry shirt and grimaced, turning to face Kratos. "I don't mean to push you away. It's just not—"
"Not convenient to sit and talk with your father?" Kratos shook his head and stood. Lloyd looked to the side as Kratos approached him, a large hand gripping his shoulder. "Lloyd, just because you are here, doesn't mean you have to deal with everything on your own. I am still here, like I always have been, whether you've wanted me to be or not."
Lloyd looked at him, nearly eye-level. The guilt rushed through him, clutching at his stomach, twisting his insides. He hadn't realized he had been pushing Kratos away. He realized now how obvious it was, how much easier it was to keep secrets if you simply did not talk to anyone. Kratos was never the type to openly announce his concern like this and, if he was, Lloyd knew his behaviour was drawing attention.
"It's Colette's death, isn't it?"
Lloyd flinched, but caught himself from immediately denying it. It was close enough to the truth that Lloyd figured it would be the only chance to speak with his father about Colette. Until now, it would have been too suspicious to talk about her causally. Lloyd closed his eyes and nodded once.
"I see," Kratos answered. Lloyd knew he was waiting for Lloyd to open up. Still hesitating, Lloyd rubbed a hand through his hair and turned from Kratos, grabbing a black, long-sleeved shirt.
"She doesn't deserve this." Lloyd spoke finally, staring into the closet blankly.
"You speak as if she is still alive," Kratos commented.
Lloyd glanced at him, inwardly cursing his use of tense. "I suppose I'm finding it difficult to accept she is really gone."
Kratos nodded. "Though, perhaps it is better she died as herself."
Scowling, Lloyd turned away from him. "Yes, perhaps."
"You knew her fate, yet you still agreed to accept Yggdrasill's orders. Why?" Kratos pressed.
"I thought orders weren't meant to be dismissed."
"Don't twist the question, Lloyd." Kratos frowned. "You did it to give her more time, didn't you? And she would have, if Yggdrasill hadn't interfered."
Lloyd paused, the irony of Kratos' words both tortured him. The truth was on the tip of his father's tongue and yet oblivious to the fact. Or was he? Lloyd closed his eyes and decided not to comment. He heard his father sigh.
"Lloyd, why do you stay here?"
The question appeared abruptly and Lloyd stopped and stared at Kratos blankly. It had been a few years since Kratos has posed that question and Lloyd had believed the matter settled. He turned and pulled the shirt over his head. "I have nowhere else to go."
"You know that isn't true. Your friends are in no less danger if you are here or with them." Kratos pointed out.
"You cannot prove that." Lloyd turned and faced him, running a hand through his damp hair. "In any case, I wouldn't want to intrude on their lives. They have moved on as have I." It was a feeble lie and Lloyd knew it wasn't true.
"Have you considered the possibility that they would welcome you back and not see you as the burden you believe you are?" Kratos rose from the bed.
"Don't assume I haven't considered it. It is for that reason why I remain here." Lloyd narrowed his eyes. "I'm tired. I don't wish to discuss this anymore."
Kratos frowned and closed his eyes. "Very well." He started towards the door, Lloyd watching him leave, when Kratos paused and glanced back. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Lloyd gave a curt nod and turned away, staring into his closet. He heard his father leave and sighed. Kratos still seemed to blame himself. Lloyd had almost considered admitting his desire to abandon Cruxis and disappear on the worlds, but where would he go? He was too recognizable to live openly; both Desians and the average person would identify him easily enough, especially if he travelled with Colette.
He glanced at the closed door sadly. Unfortunately, Lloyd was also reminded of how his father had done the exact same thing. Running from Cruxis with his mother and hunted every day. He liked to believe he was strong enough to protect Colette, but he was sure his father had thought the same thing about his mother. He touched the locket around his neck. No, he couldn't repeat the past; he would not put Colette in that type of danger. She was believed dead and, for the time being, was safe. His comfort wasn't necessary if it jeopardized her safety.
Content about his resolve to remain her guardian from within Cruxis, Lloyd quickly stripped his remaining wet clothes and changed into more comfortable pants. Feeling the beginnings of a headache coming, he quickly turned off the lights and lay on his bed, not bothering to use the covers and fell asleep.
Pulling his hood further over his face, to keep curious eyes from seeing his face, Genis scanned the crowded inn for his elder sister. After searching the entire town, he figured he was more likely to catch her coming here than any other place. He was sweating, but he did not feel like being recognized or pestered by the townspeople should he remove his cloak. Genis was at the boiling point with his patience and threatening to bubble over, so listening to the babbling of humans wouldn't help him in the least.
After a loud argument between himself and Presea, Genis finally agreed to trek to Triet to find his sister, leaving Presea to keep an eye on Colette. He knew Presea was just trying to get his foul mood out of the way, knowing he was upsetting Colette. But damn it! Why shouldn't he be mad?
Hunching over at the table, his fingers dug into his palms, breathed deeply to calm himself, his nerves fried. That bastard hadn't even bothered to say hello, or reassure him or anything! Hell, Genis couldn't get the image of Lloyd glaring at him, his tone harsh and cold as Lloyd brushed him off as if he was an annoying child.
Genis clenched his teeth and, scowling. Some part of him argued that it wasn't even Lloyd. Sure it sort of looked like him, but how could Lloyd act like that? Lloyd would never have done those things! Heck, he didn't even admit he was Lloyd!
He didn't deny it either, a small voice reminded him.
Couldn't be bothered, Genis thought bitterly. Why stop and admit it was him—Wait! Genis straightened slightly, his eyes widening. Was it possible that it really wasn't Lloyd, just a look alike? He remembered, back on the Journey of Regeneration, that one angel named Remiel had done something similar. He played the role of Colette's father to earn her trust. Could this person be pretending to be Lloyd just like—?
No, even if Colette was gullible, she wouldn't fall for something like that. He frowned. The fact Colette was defending him, meant she honestly believed it was Lloyd. Genis hesitated, his anger suddenly conflicted with doubts. It was possible then that Colette was right, that Lloyd was actually...back. But why the hell was he so different? Sure after a lot of years people do change, but not like that! It was like-like talking to Kratos or something!
Genis groaned softly, brushing his hair out of his eyes and stood up. The inn was too hot and it was obvious Raine wasn't here. He might as well wait outside in the shade. He sighed in relief at the smell of fresh-well fresher air, and shut the inn door behind him and walked up the steps. He made his way over to the lean-to and seated himself on the ground, pushing back his hood, flipping his ponytail free. He dug into his satchel and pulled out a text on the developments of advanced magi-technology engineering. Maybe studying would take his mind off things. He was only frustrating himself and it would be better to wait until he found Raine to discuss the Lloyd situation.
The afternoon dragged on and after rereading the same five chapters, it was nearing dusk by the time he finally spotted her. Genis just happened to glance up as she came through the town archway. She was dusty and seemed thoroughly ticked about something, but Genis wasn't exactly in a good mood either. He snapped his book shut and strode over to her. "Where have you been?"
Raine blinked in surprised as her brother advanced on her. "Genis? What are you doing here? Where are Presea and Noishe?" she asked, glancing around.
Genis waved his arm in the direction of Iselia. "That's not important!" he snapped. "Raine, Lloyd's alive and he works for Cruxis now!"
"What are you talking about all of a sudden?" Raine asked wearily, looking slightly aggravated. "Where did you come up with such nonsense?"
"I saw him Raine!" Genis hissed as a couple walked past them. He glanced at them then turned back to her. "That bastard is alive and—"
"Language, Genis!" Raine cut him off sharply and then sighed, she looked at the inn and then back at the desert. "Look, I'm tired and I need a cold drink. I have a roomed rented, let's go there and you can explain."
Genis huffed angrily. His sister wasn't even listening to him! But he knew that there was no helping it. Raine's mind seemed to be on something else entirely and she probably thought he was just in denial again about Lloyd's disappearance. Well, he wasn't damn it! And she was going to listen to him this time!
He followed her impatiently into the inn and waited as she asked for refreshments to be brought to their room before heading there herself. Genis managed to calm down as he waited for her to set her bag down and wash her face in the basin. Drying herself off, she turned to him. "Alright, now why don't you start at the beginning? I didn't understand anything you said earlier."
Genis frowned but did as she asked, starting at Colette's surprise visit and how she was asking for Raine, to the angels attacking them inside Iselia and then Lloyd appearing and slaughtering the angels.
"He killed them all, Raine! Just like that, not even hesitating!"
Raine's expression was serious now. "Where is he now?"
"The bastard left!" Raine frowned as his cursing, but Genis ignored her. "He didn't even stop and try to explain what was going on, even when Colette asked him to! And he had wings, Raine! Before he disappeared, he took out these massive wings and warped away!"
"He is an angel?" Raine asked, shocked.
"That's what I've been saying!" Genis retorted, throwing his hands up. "And the worst part is that apparently he's been back for more than a month already, visiting Colette. She trusts him completely!"
Raine sighed. "Genis, calm down. As serious as this is, getting upset over this isn't helping. Now, What do you mean Colette trusts him completely?"
"Well, she's constantly trying to defend him, saying that he's not dangerous and we should just let him explain things. It's like she doesn't even realize he is in Cruxis!"
"Have you considered she's telling the truth?" Raine offered. Genis could tell she was just thinking over all the possibilities and didn't necessary side with Colette's theory.
"Yeah, but Raine! You weren't there!" Genis waved his arm. "I tried to talk to him and he spun around and snapped that 'he didn't have the time to deal with me right now' and then left! Lloyd would never do that!"
Raine said nothing, but nodded slowly and Genis sighed, frustrated, tired, and hot. He was just as confused and upset as he had been since that day. He wanted to believe Colette, but at the same time, he just couldn't. How could Colette honestly believe that person was still Lloyd? He was nothing like him...
"I was in contact with Yuan today," Raine said softly and Genis looked at her in surprise. "Before you say anything, he's a valuable ally. Regardless of how irritating he can be, he does offer information about Cruxis and Tethe'alla."
Genis clamped his mouth shut, furious that his sister still trusted the Renegade leader so much. Still, Genis knew she was using him for information because he was there only link to Tethe'alla. Genis would give anything to strangle that two-face backstabber. He hunched down on a chair. "What did the jerk have to say this time?"
"Apparently, Zelos is still having trouble with the law. Though he isn't wanted at the moment, the Queen has passed many of Zelos' rights and duties onto the Pope and is under constant guard. In other words, Zelos is under house arrest."
Genis frowned. "Can they even do that? He's the Chosen. Wouldn't all his fans be upset?"
"Refrain from the sarcasm, Genis. This is serious," Raine admonished, and Genis grumbled, but went quiet. "He still has his status, but he lost his voice in the council and higher ups."
"And that's bad?"
Raine sighed. "Not at the moment, but it doesn't help our situation. The Pope now holds a lot of power and it was him from the start that caused us trouble."
"I don't see how this concerns us anymore. I mean I'm worried for Sheena and Zelos over there, but it's not as if we can do anything. Besides, if Lloyd is in Cruxis, why the hell didn't Yuan tell you about him? I think he's playing you, Raine. It's not like him to give out all this information for nothing."
Raine went to respond when the door opened and a young serving girl carried in their tray of refreshments. After she left, Raine shook her head and stood, pouring herself a glass. "The information isn't free, Genis. I've been exchanging news with him as well about Sylvarant. As for why he never mentioned Lloyd, I intend to figure that out tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Genis walked over and got his own glass. "But what about Colette and—?"
"I think it will help clear things up if we can find out more about the situation, wouldn't you?" Genis hung his head, scowling and Raine sighed. "Besides, you can return and help Presea watch over Colette. If he hasn't harmed her yet, I'm sure Lloyd won't attempt to while you're both there."
"We don't know that. He's not really Lloyd anymore, Raine," Genis muttered, staring at his water. "I don't like this."
"I don't either, Genis."
"What happened to him?"
Colette stared out the window, watching the rain drizzling in a gray haze across the clearing. Water droplets hung from the leaves, the clothesline and the window pane and she watched as they dripped and gathered again like some strange pattern. Presea sat behind her, quiet since Lloyd had left hours before. Colette had been grateful for Presea's silence, but she knew it would only last so long and the question hadn't surprised her.
Genis had left earlier that day and would be returning, with or without Raine within the next day or so. Colette was nervous for when he returned, knowing that without knowing any facts, Genis would have been simmering over Lloyd's sudden appearance and gotten only more frustrated. Colette considered explaining everything to Presea, but Lloyd hadn't wanted to. It frustrated Colette to no end. He said they would be excuses, but they weren't! They were reasons and they deserved to understand why he was forced to do what he did.
But of course, Colette could never betray Lloyd's privacy like that. Even when telling her, she could detect his reluctance to do so. She wondered if he had even meant to, most of the time, it was like he drifted back into his memories, completely forgetting that she was sitting there listening and he was talking. Did he relive the moments every time he spoke of them? Was it easier for him to cope when he shoved them to the dark recesses of his mind and just accepted his life?
"Colette?" Presea spoke through her thoughts and Colette turned from the window to face the other girl. "I cannot trust him if I don't know him. I was not his friend like he was your's. I do not have anything to connect to him save what I know from you and the Sages."
"But you know he was a good person," Colette replied. "You know he was trying to help you before he was taken, how he helped me and saved Genis and Raine from execution! You know this!"
"People change, Colette. People are constantly changing who they are because of how they live and who they live with." She closed her eyes. "Both Genis and I have changed and so have you. Why would Lloyd not change as well?"
"I didn't say he didn't." Colette argued, turning back to the window. "I'm just saying that he is still Lloyd despite those changes, just as we are still the same person despite ours."
"What happened to him, Colette?" Presea repeated, her soft voice emotionless as always.
Colette bit her lip, watching the rain. "He was trapped there, Presea." Her hand travelled up to her Cruxis Crystal embedded beneath the necklace. "You know what it feels like to be trapped, to want to get out and you can't. And in the end, all you can do is accept what has happened." She looked back at Presea. "And once he did that, he didn't know how to come back."
Presea stared at her, the sound of rain on the roof filling the silence. Colette wondered if she had said too much, but then realized it didn't matter. She would not allow Lloyd to be ridiculed and accused of things that were not his fault. She would respect his decision to keep the details a secret, but she was not going to shy away from telling the truth.
"You care about him greatly," Presea said after a moment.
Colette looked back at her, nodding. "Of course, he is my friend."
"I believe that he was trapped, but that doesn't necessarily excuse him for who he is now. Perhaps your feelings for him are clouding your judgment. Both you and Genis never stopped believing he was alive and once you discovered he was you both reacted differently. Genis denial because it was not the Lloyd he expected, and you overlook his differences because you are afraid to lose him again."
Colette frowned. "I'm not confused about this, Presea! I realize he's different, but he's still, Lloyd. That's not going to change."
Presea shook her head slowly, but said nothing. Colette frowned, her throat tightening. Why couldn't they just listen? Why was it so hard for them to understand? She knew the reason of course. Lloyd was fighting this just as much as they were. Colette closed her eyes tightly, listening to the rain outside. Why was he so afraid to have his friends back?
"Don't tell Genis that Lloyd was here." Colette looked at Presea in the reflection of the window. "He did nothing wrong and I don't Genis to be upset."
Presea sighed, but nodded. "I will keep it to myself."
Colette let the small wave of relief wash through. Even if Presea didn't trust Lloyd fully, she was willing to give some leniency. She groaned slightly as she pushed her exhausted body up and headed towards the stairs. "Come on, I'll make up a bed for you upstairs. You are probably tired."
Smiling in thanks, Presea followed her up. Colette let her mind wander to the beginning of the day, the reason she had gone to Iselia in the first place. Her hand touched her stomach hesitantly before dropping her hand immediately. Colette now wondered if it would be wise to ask Raine about her suspicions or if she should simply wait and see. Now that her friends knew about Lloyd, she wondered how long it would take before they piece together what happened between them.
She shook her head. She would wait. What would happen, would happen. She'd figure out what to do once it did.
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