Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling or George Lucas.
Enter Mon Mothma, leading the first years into the Great Hall.
Leia. [indicates the enchanted ceiling] It's not real, you know. It's just bewitched to look like the night sky. I read that in The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force.
Mon Mothma places a stool in front of the first years. On it sits a red-colored Mandalorian helmet: Revan's mask.
Mask. [singing] Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see. I'll eat myself if you can find a smarter mask than me. You can keep your bowlers black,
your top hats sleek and tall, for I'm the Jedi Sorting Mask, and I can cap them all. There's nothing hidden in your head the Sorting Mask can't see, so try me on and I will tell you where you ought to be. You might belong in Revan, where dwell the brave at heart; their daring, nerve, and chivalry set Revans apart. You might belong in Surik, where they are just and loyal; those patient Suriks are true and unafraid of toil. Or yet in wise old Shan, if you've a ready mind, where those of wit and learning will always find their kind. Or perhaps in Kun, where you'll make your real friends; those cunning folk use any means to achieve their ends. So put me on! Don't be afraid! And don't get in a flap! You're in safe hands (though I have none), for I'm a thinking cap!
All applaud.
Han. So we've just got to try on a mask. I'll kill Phanan. He was going on about wrestling a Gammorrean.
Luke. [aside, smiling weakly] Yes. Trying on the Mask is a lot better than having to do a spell, but I do wish we could try it on without everyone watching. The Mask seems to be asking rather a lot; I don't feel brave or quick-witted or any of it at the moment. If only the Mask had mentioned a House for people who felt a bit queasy. That would be the one for him.
Mothma. [with a datapad] Now when I call your name, you'll come forth, I'll place the Sorting Mask on your head, and you will be sorted into your Houses. [reads off datapad] Wessiri, Iella.
Enter Iella Wessiri, a brown-haired girl.
Mask. Surik.
Exit Iella.
Mothma. Terrik, Mirax.
Enter Mirax Terrik, a dark-haired girl in a jacket.
Mask. Surik.
Exit Mirax.
Mothma. saBinring, Voort.
Enter Voort "Piggy" saBinring, a stocky boy with porcine features and green eyes.
Mask. Shan.
Exit Voort.
Mothma. Sandskimmer, Falynn.
Enter Falynn Sandskimmer, a Tatooinian girl with short dark hair.
Mask. Shan.
Exit Falynn.
Mothma. Tharen, Bria.
Enter Bria Tharen, an girl with red-gold hair.
Mask. Revan.
Exit Bria.
Mothma. Gethzerion.
Enter Gethzerion, a wrinkled young woman.
Mask. Kun.
Exit Gethzerion.
Mothma. Qrygg, Ooryl.
Enter Ooryl Qrygg, an insectoid boy wearing a breath mask.
Mask. Surik.
Exit Gavin.
Mothma. Nunb, Nien.
Enter Nien Nunb.
Mask. Revan.
Exit Nien.
Mothma. Organa, Leia.
Leia sits on the stool.
Leia. [mutters to herself] Just relax.
Han. [aside, to Luke] Mental, that one, I'm telling you.
Mask. Revan.
Han. [curses]
Exit Leia.
Luke. [aside] What if I'm not chosen at all? What if I just sit there with the Mask over my eyes for ages, until Senator Mothma jerks it off my head and says there has obviously been a mistake and I'd better get back on the ship?
Mothma. Antilles, Wedge.
Enter Wedge.
Mask. Revan.
Wedge runs off with the Mask still on his head. He runs back and returns it to Mothma, then joins the other Revans.
Mothma. Marek, Galen.
Enter Marek.
Mask. Kun.
Exit Marek.
Mothma. Qel-Droma, Cay.
Enter Cay Qel-Droma.
Mask. Kun.
Exit Qel-Droma.
Mothma. Khai, Vestara.
Enter Vestara Khai, a brown-haired girl with a scar on her lip.
Mask. Kun.
Exit Vestara.
Mothma. Retrac, Sheltay.
Enter Sheltay Retrac.
Mask. Shan.
Exit Sheltay.
Mothma. Retrac, Winter.
Enter Winter Retrac, a white-haired girl with a perfect memory.
Mask. Revan.
Enter Winter.
Mothma. Skywalker, Luke.
As Luke steps forward, everyone leans forward with interest.
First Student. Skywalker, did she say?
Second Student. The Luke Skywalker?
The noise fades, as the Mask falls over Luke's head.
Mask. [aside, to Luke] Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. And there's a talent. Oh, yes. But where to put you?
Luke. [whispering] Not Kun. Not Kun.
Mask. [aside, to Luke] Not Kun, eh? Are you sure? You would be great, you know. It's all here in your head. And Kun will help you on the way to greatness. There's no doubt about that.
Luke. [whispering] Not Kun. Anything but Kun.
Mask. [aside, to Luke] Well, if you're sure, better be . . . [to all] Revan!
Luke removes the Mask and joins the other Revans.
Luke shakes hands with Jacen Solo.
Twins. We've got Skywalker. We've got Skywalker.
The ghost of Canderous Ordo pats Luke on the back.
Luke sits down, glances at Yoda and Firmus Piett, then watches the sorting from his seat.
Mothma. Calrissian, Lando.
Enter Lando Calrissian, a dark-skinned boy with a natural charisma.
Mask. Revan.
Lando joins the Revans.
Mothma. Leneer, Aryn.
Enter Aryn Leneer, a dark-haired girl.
Mask. Shan.
Exit Aryn.
Mothma. Solo, Han.
Han approaches the Mask, which falls over his eyes.
Mask. [aside, to Han] O! Another Solo, eh? I know just what to do with you. . . . [to all] Revan!
Han joins Luke and the others at the Revan table.
Jacen. Well done, Han. Excellent.
Mothma. Tyris, Nikkos.
Enter Nikkos Tyris.
Mask. Kun.
Exit Tyris.
Exit Mon Mothma, with Revan's Mask.
Enter Mon Mothma, without Revan's Mask or datapad. She takes her seat.
Yoda rises.
Yoda. Welcome. Welcome to another year at the Jedi Temple. Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you.
He sits back down.
Luke. [to Jacen] Is he a bit mad?
Jacen. Mad? He's a genius, best Jedi in the galaxy. But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Luke?
Luke's mouth falls open as he sees the feast before them.
Canderous. That does look good.
Luke. Can't you . . . ?
Canderous. I haven't eaten for nearly five hundred years. I don't need to, of course, but one does miss it. I don't think I've introduced myself? Lord Canderous Ordo, at your service. Resident ghost of the Revan Tower.
Han. I know who you are. My brothers told me about you. You're Nearly-Headless Ordo!
Canderous. [sniffs] I prefer Lord Canderous Ordo, if you don't mind.
Nien. Nearly headless? How can you be nearly headless?
Canderous. Like this. [pulls his head off on a hinge]
Canderous looks pleased at their stunned faces, then puts his head back on.
So, new Revans. I hope you're going to help us win the House championship this year? Revans have never gone so long without winning. Kuns have got the cup six years in a row! Supreme Commander Jace Malcom's becoming almost unbearable; he's the ghost of the House of Kun.
The ghost of Malcom approaches Galen Marek, who looks greatly displeased.
Nien. How did he get covered in blood?
Canderous. I've never asked.
Following dinner, the desserts arrive.
Nien. I'm half-and-half. My dad's mundane, Mom's Force-sensitive. Pretty nasty shock for him, when he found out.
All laugh.
Han. What about you, Wedge?
Wedge. Well, my gran brought me up and she's Force-sensitive, but the family thought I was mundane for ages. My Great Uncle Raymus kept trying to catch me off my guard and force the Force out of me. He pushed me off the end of the Corellian Sea once. I nearly drowned - but nothing happened until I was eight. Great Uncle Raymus came round for dinner, and he was hanging me out of an upstairs window by the ankles when my Great Auntie Breha offered him a meringue and he accidentally let go. But I bounced - all the way down the garden and into the road. They were all really pleased. Gran was crying, she was so happy. And you should have seen their faces when I got in here - they thought I might not be Force-sensitive enough to come, you see. Great Uncle Raymus was so pleased he bought me my mouse droid.
Leia. [to Jacen] I do hope they start right away; there's so much to learn. I'm particularly interested in Metamorphosis, you know, turning something into something else. Of course, it's supposed to be very difficult . . .
Jacen. You'll be starting small, just matches into needles and that sort of thing . . .
Luke looks up at the staff table. He sees Chewbacca, drinking from his goblet. He sees Mon Mothma, speaking with Yoda. Then he notices Admiral Piett, talking with a tall man in a dark black suit, breathing from a respirator. The cyborg looks directly into Luke's eyes.
Luke. [clasps his forehead] O!
Jacen. What is it?
Luke. Nothing. [aside] I don't like the look in that guy's eyes. [to Jacen] Say, Jacen. Who's that Master talking to Admiral Piett?
Jacen. O! You know Piett already, do you? No wonder he looks so nervous; that's Lord Vader, head of Kun House.
Luke. What's he teach?
Jacen. Potions. But everyone knows it's the dark side he fancies. He's been after Piett's job for years.
As Luke examines Vader, the dessert disappears and Yoda rises to his feet.
Yoda. Hmm. Just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you. First years should note that the Unknown Regions are strictly forbidden to all students. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that, as well.
Yoda eyes the Solo twins and smiles.
Also, our caretaker Master Jurokk has asked me to remind you that the Force should not be used between classes in the corridors. Smashball trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone wishing to play for their House team should contact Master Dreis. And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death.
Luke and a few others laugh nervously.
Luke. He's not serious?
Jacen. [frowning] Must be. It's odd, because he usually gives us a reason why we're not allowed to go somewhere. The Unknown Regions are full of dangerous beasts. Everyone knows that. I do think he might have told us prefects, at least.
Yoda. And now, before we go to bed, let us all sing our school song. [waves his Kaiburr Crystal lightsaber and words appear] Everyone pick their favorite tune and off we go!
All. [singing] Temple, Temple. Jedi, Jedi, Temple. Teach us something, please. Whether we be old and bald or young with scabby knees, our heads could do with filling with some interesting stuff, for now they're bare and full of air, dead flies, and bits of fluff. So teach us things worth knowing. Bring back what we forgot. We'll do your best. We'll do the rest, and learn before our brains all rot.
The words vanish with a wave of Yoda's lightsaber, the words vanish.
Yoda. Hmm. Music. A magic beyond all we do here. And now, bedtime. Off you trot.
Exit all.