Thank you for the great reviews, they keep me alive with the hope that I know what I'm doing!
Paige had to run, we all know she did; but hold on to hope folks, because there is ALWAYS hope!
By-the-Eve: I'm glad you like the angst, I just seem to have a knack for causing pain(!)
Squidge86: Sorry for the wait, I hope this chapter is worth it.
Shaybay143: That was my first attempt at fanfic smut, I'm pleased you enjoyed!
Chapter 14
I've almost turned around three hundred times.
I desperately want to go back, to re enter my apartment and slip under the covers of my bed like I had never left and cuddle up to the amazing woman currently asleep in it. Everything in me is begging to have Spencer back in my arms; to feel her lips, taste her skin, and to make love to her again and again.
It is that last sentence that stops me from turning around. Make love to her. We had sex, nothing more; yet I keep thinking of it as making love. I'm honest with myself enough to admit that from my side that is what it was. I have fallen for Spencer, hard; but for Spencer it was just sex.
That was why I ran, why I still am running. I had thrown on some clothes, packed a bag of stuff, and left the apartment as quickly as possible. The realist in me knew I couldn't deal with a face to face conversation, knowing that I wouldn't have the willpower to stop myself from begging her to stay with me; so it made the only choice possible, it got me out of there and left a note in place of my body on the bed so that she can be with the person she loves. I know Spencer is going to be hurt when she wakes up alone, probably pretty pissed too; but I'm hoping she'll be able to understand once she reads my letter.
I have been driving for hours, my body begging for sleep that I am unwilling to grant it. My head is full of Spencer, and if I sleep I know she will haunt my dreams in new and even more excruciating ways. Whenever Spencer troubled my sleep in the past it was as a friend I had betrayed; now she will haunt me as a forbidden love, one who can never been mine. I have dried tears staining my face, my tears starting again every time I think too hard about how it felt to be with Spencer, or what I could have if only she felt the same way.
I am only vaguely aware of the landscape changing as I drive with no real idea of where I am heading, my mind completing signals and turns on autopilot. It isn't until I receive a honk of annoyance from a yellow taxi for cutting him up that I snap back into focus and become aware of where I am. I am shocked to discover I have driven all the way to New York without realizing it, the signs for central park a dead giveaway to my current location. In my befuddled state my unconscious mind has sought out the only real friend I have left, Hanna.
I pull into the first parking space I find and dig my phone out of my jacket. I had switched it off as soon as I had left the apartment, knowing that the first message or phone call from Spencer would break my will and have me turning the car around in a heartbeat. I switch it on and wait while it loads, receiving a surprise when I see that I have just driven for fourteen hours without a break. It was the early hours of the morning when I crept from my own apartment like a thief, and it is now almost six in the evening. As soon as my phone has booted up it is flooded with missed calls and message alerts. I sigh heavily, knowing without having to check that they will all be from Spencer. Part of me still wants to turn the car around and drive straight back, willing to undergo another fourteen hours wedged into the car if the reward is being in Spencer's arms again.
I clear the screen of the alerts and flip to my address book, searching for Hanna's address. I know I should delete the messages without opening them, they will cause me nothing but heartbreak, but I can't bring myself to do it; if all I have left of Spencer is the sound of her voice, then I am going to hang on to it for as long as I can.
I find Hanna's address and plug it into my navigation system, finding that I am not far from her place. I switch my phone to silent before turning it off again and dropping it back into my bag. I decide not to give Hanna any advanced warning of my arrival, even though it might result in me sitting on the doorstep outside her apartment block until she comes home. I don't want to interrupt her if she is still at work, I know how important it is to her.
The drive only takes about twenty minutes, and I manage to nab a parking space just around the corner. I clean my face using some wipes I had left in the bottom of my car and try to make myself look presentable before I heft my backpack out of the car and lock the doors, not willing to risk leaving my vigilante stuff in the car in case it gets stolen. I can't go back to my apartment; it is now irrevocably linked to Spencer, so I will just pick a new town and head straight there in a few days, the only things I need currently over my shoulder.
I walk up the stairs to Hanna's apartment block and reach the outer door just as a little old biddy is exiting. She seems to be having difficulty with the heavy door so I hurry over to assist her, receiving a grateful smile and a pat on the hand for my kindness. The door is already open so I decide not to press the buzzer, instead heading straight inside. I jog up the staircase instead of waiting for the lift, the exercise stretching my cramped legs muscles and loosening them up a bit. I arrive at the top floor only slightly winded, happy to see that I can still manage twenty five flights of stairs even in my less than perfect condition.
I check door numbers as I walk along the corridor, my mind returning to muse over the contents of Spencer's messages.
My worst fear is that she is so hurt by my actions that the messages contain nothing but hate, a diatribe deriding me for my cowardly behavior and taking back the forgiveness she bestowed upon me. The thought makes my heart ache with fear. The possibility that I may never see Spencer again, even as a friend is painful but bearable, yet the possibility that she will hate me for the rest of her life is torturous, making the limbo state I was in before her arrival back in my life look like a trip to Hawaii in comparison.
I find the right door and knock on it briskly, my mind still lost in my thoughts.
Maybe the messages are not bad; in fact they might be Spencer telling me she understands, and that she wishes me all the best.
I hear movement inside the apartment and feel grateful that Hanna is home; the car ride is starting to catch up with me, and I really need to pee.
Spencer might not even be in the apartment any more, she might have left just like I have and be in the middle of her own journey.
The door rattles as the locks are undone, and I prepare to be swamped by a Hanna hug.
Maybe Spencer is right this moment on her way to see...
'Emily!' My voice is a high pitched squeak, the shock tightening my vocal cords into a knot.
For standing in front of me, looking as flawless as always, is none other than Emily Fields; former light of my life. The woman I willed Spencer to find; the woman I gave up my own chance at happiness for, is standing right in front of me.
Emily's face is registering just as much shock as mine must be, because both of us just stand in silence gawping at each other. It is only when Hanna comes to the door that the spell is broken.
'Emily, did you make sure they put double cheese on the pizza because last time they...oh my god, PAIGE!' Hanna bellows her joy at seeing me and nearly knocks Emily flying as she barges past in her quest to reach me.
I have just enough time to set my bag on the floor before my arms are full of an overexcited babbling blonde; Hanna quite literally launching herself at me.
'Paige, what are you doing here? Oh my gawd it's SO good to see you! You should of told me you were coming, I would of ordered more pizza's!' She is speaking so fast I barely understand half of what she is saying, her face buried in my neck as she bear hugs me. I hug her back tightly, my eyes prickling with tears at how much I have missed her.
It isn't until I hear a discreet cough that I realize that we have been hugging for an overly long time, both of us comfortable with each other enough to be able to stand in an embrace without the need to say anything. I loosen my arms and straighten up, though Hanna snuggles into my side and keeps her arms around me as she beams up at me.
I look at Emily and see she is uncomfortable with our display of affection, though she is trying to hide it the best she can. She has averted her eyes and is currently finding a spot on the door frame riveting, her face a picture of awkwardness.
I address Hanna, trying to spare Emily any further awkwardness. 'I'm sorry I interrupted you guys, you're clearly in the middle of a reunion. I'll come back later'.
'No way!' Hanna protests immediately, her grip on my side tightening. I have to bite back a gasp as sharp pain shoots through my side, my bruised ribs protesting at the sudden constriction. 'I just got you back McCullers, I'm not letting you out of my sight for a second!'
Despite the pain in my side I feel happy to have Hanna's arms around me, knowing that this was the reason my subconscious brought me here. If I have anywhere left in this world that feels like home, it's with Hanna. And Spencer my mind whispers.
'Don't worry Skittles, I'm not going to nick off on you again'. I grin down at her with a laugh in my voice, her obvious delight at seeing me boosting my depleted spirits. 'But I know you two don't get to see each other very often and I don't want to get in the way of that so I can just book into a motel and catch up with you when you're free'.
'Skittles?' I look up at Emily who is now eying us with open curiosity.
I shrug at her, not wanting to share the story behind how the nickname came about. 'It's a thing'.
Hanna drags me forcibly into the apartment, oblivious to Emily's reticence. 'You are not checking into some skeezy rat trap motel that is full of bed bugs and fleas.' She shudders dramatically. 'You are staying here and that's the end of it. We can have a big old reunion together'.
I scoop my bag off the floor and let myself be led into through the door, not really wanting to leave despite the awkwardness of Emily's presence.
Emily follows behind us and closes the door, her voice sounding hesitant. 'Er, Hanna, I'm kinda occupying the spare room at the moment, where is she going to sleep?'
I address Emily before Hanna can. 'I'm more than content with the couch, or a section of floor; I don't really sleep that much any way'.
Hanna shakes her head as she takes my bag off of me. 'Nonsense, you'll sleep with me'. I see her realize how that sounded because she suddenly gives Emily a look and starts unnecessarily explaining herself. 'Not with me with me, just with me; like next to me in the bed. This isn't a gay thing, I still like sex with men. Not that sex with women is bad, I'm sure it's fantastic; but I guess you two already know that...'
I can't help the laughter that bursts out of me at the look on Emily's face, a hilarious mix of confusion and horror, her eyes nearly bugging out of her head at Hanna's verbal diarrhea. 'You can stop talking ANY time now skittles'.
I kiss Hanna affectionately on the head as she turns pink and closes her mouth, pretending to lock it before throwing away the key.
'It's fine Hanna; who Paige chooses to sleep with is none of my business anymore'. The words stop my laughter as effectively as a slap to the face. Emily's tone is light and she clearly means it, but the words are a reminder of why I am here; of who I left behind.
Hanna notices me tense up and lays a hand on my arm, her eyes scanning mine with worry. I can see that she thinks Emily's word have upset me so I shake my head minutely at her, my way of saying not to make an issue of it.
Hanna squeezes my arm gently in reassurance before letting go, her bubbly voice betraying none of the worry she clearly feels for me. 'Ok, well I'll go pop this into the bedroom then!'
Hanna disappears through a door and I am left in the living room with Emily, both of us feeling decidedly awkward without Hanna as a go between.
'So, how's college life treating you?' I make a stab at small talk, the silence of the room loud and obvious.
'It's good, thanks'. Emily's reply is stilted, like she is answering a stranger; and she avoids eye contact entirely. 'How come you're here, did Hanna call you?'
I frown in confusion. 'No. She had no idea I was coming. You witnessed our meeting in the hallway, did she look like she knew I was coming?'
Emily seems to relax slightly, though is still wary. 'Oh. So she was genuinely that excited to see you'.
'She's the only one it seems'. I can't help the bitter note to my words, Emily's attitude an added injury to my already fragile heart.
Emily has the grace to blush and look away, her face showing her discomfort. 'I didn't mean that the way it came out, I'm sorry. I know she lived with you for a bit but I figured when you disappeared it was because you two didn't get on, so they way you greeted each other surprised me'.
I shrug at her. 'Hanna helped me through a lot, and she's the closest thing I have to family left. I wanted to see her so I came, I didn't realize you would be here or I would of postponed'.
'Oh'. Emily falls silent, her eyes now softer as they look at me, though still with some awkwardness in them.
I decide to try again with small talk, not wanting the awkwardness to last all evening. 'It sounds like your doing well though, new girlfriend and all'.
Emily's looks up at me with surprise in her eyes. 'How...?'
'Hanna told me a while back'. I feel awkward standing so I move to the couch, choosing to perch on the edge rather than sit back on the cushions. I look at Emily with honest eyes, my words low so that Hanna; who is clearly taking her time so that we are forced to talk, can't hear. 'I'm glad you're happy Emily, that's all I ever wanted for you'. I drop my eyes from hers, shifting them to look down at the floor. 'You look great by the way, as amazing as ever'.
Emily is silent and I think she is not going to respond, but then I see her take her own seat across from me out of the corner of my eye. 'You and Hanna still talk? She's never mentioned it'.
I shrug my shoulders and keep my eyes on the floor. 'I asked her not to say anything. We all needed a fresh start after...after what happened, and I figured hearing about me wouldn't help anyone move on, so I asked Hanna not to mention we sometimes talk. She agreed'.
Emily's voice is more relaxed now, her soft tone the one I remember from years ago. 'You didn't have to do that Paige; you didn't have to leave Rosewood either'.
I look up at Emily, keeping a neutral expression locked on my face. 'I did have to leave, but it's nice to hear you say that. Thank you'.
Emily smiles gently at me. 'You're welcome Paige, and you looks great too'.
I laugh softly at her words, knowing she can't mean them. 'I've just spent fourteen hours driving across several states without a break; I am very aware that I must look like absolute hell, but your lie is very much appreciated'.
Emily's smile broadens at my laugh. 'It's not a lie, you'll always look great to me Paige'.
I blush at her words and dip my head to look down at the floor. 'You still know how to flatter a girl'.
Emily laughs at me and I look back up at her, a frown on my face. She waves me off, her face suddenly shy. ''It's nothing, just something Hanna and I were discussing earlier'.
I don't press her, keenly aware that I don't want her to grill me on why I'm suddenly here, so I accept her answer at face value.
Emily slips forward on her seat, closing the distance between us. She places her hand on my knee, a genuine smile on her face. 'It is good to see you Paige, honestly'.
I cover her hand with mine, matching her smile with one of my own. Our eyes lock and I can see she means her words, the warmth in them a pleasant surprise. I squeeze her hand gently, grateful that we can still have a friendship despite our history.
Emily looks down at my hand as it covers hers and I see her frown. She looks back up at me and her smile has been replaced with concern. 'Paige, what did you do to your hand?'
I look down at our joined hands and realize I used my right hand to cover Emily's; she must of felt the bandage when I squeezed her hand. I look back up at Emily and feel panicked; I had completely forgotten about my damaged hand and have no lie ready.
I'm saved by the buzz of the intercom, the noise distracting us. Hanna magically appears from the bedroom and walks over to the phone to answer it. She looks at us as she passes and sees our joined hands, a small smile appearing on her lips for a few seconds before she looks away. She says a few words into the phone then replaces it, turning to us with a beaming smile. 'The pizzas' here!'
She bounds over to the door in giddy excitement and I remove my hand from Emily's so that I can join her. Emily gives me a funny look as I get up, clearly not happy that I didn't answer her question, but I pretend not to see it and move away.
Hanna is practically bouncing up and down in anticipation of the pizza's arrival and the sight makes me smile, she did exactly the same thing while she was living with me. Hanna was a terrible cook and I had completely lost the will to eat so she ordered take out most nights, practically force feeding me while we sat huddled in front of the TV and watched whatever crazy show she wanted to watch.
I walk up behind her and pull her into a hug, wrapping my arms around her waist as I rest my head on her shoulder. She relaxes into me immediately and leans her head back so we are cheek to cheek. 'I missed you skittles'.
Hanna turns her head so that she can kiss my cheek before resting her head back against mine. Her voice is quiet as she speaks, careful not to let it reach Emily's ears. 'Is it bad?'
The concern in her voice is clear, instinctively knowing that I've come to her because I need comfort. I tighten my arms around her, my eyes prickling with tears at the love I feel for this pint sized beauty. I swallow before answering, the noise audible enough that I know she must of heard it. 'It is. But you're helping already'.
Hanna places her hands over my arms and squeezes, knowing that the gesture is enough for me while eyes are watching us. We hear the elevator ping as it reaches our floor and the door opens to reveal the pizza boy. I release my hold on Hanna and straighten up, reaching for the wallet in my pocket.
Hanna tries to stop me from paying for the pizza's, arguing that I'm a guest and that they wasn't even for me anyway, but I manage to hold her back with one arm while I slip a few bills into the amused pizza boys hand with the other. Once the pizza's are collected and the door is closed I receive a dirty look from Hanna before she flounces over to Emily and flops down onto the couch, the pizza's safely in her possession.
I grin at her dramatic display, knowing that she will forgive me in less than five minutes, and excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Once I'm safely in the locked room I make use of the facilities, my bladder grateful that it is finally empty again, then look at my bandaged hand as I wash them. There is no way I can hide it now; Emily is probably right this minute telling Hanna all about it, so I need to find an excuse which Emily will believe. I decide to go for as much of the truth as I can tell, and hope she doesn't question it too much.
I exit the bathroom and head back into the living room, detouring into the kitchen to pick up more wine and an extra glass for myself on Hanna's instructions. As soon as I sit down next to Hanna she wraps my arm around her shoulders and snuggles her way into my (thankful uninjured) side, indicating I am already forgiven. I sneak a piece of pizza from the box on Hanna's lap and munch on it, my stomach rumbling it's appreciation as the first bit of food I've eaten in over a day reaches it.
'Paige, you didn't didn't answer my question about your hand'. Emily gets straight to the point, the fact that she is no longer my girlfriend not stopping her from feeling like she has the right to quiz me.
'What's wrong with your hand?' Hanna swivels within my embrace to look at my hand, and I hold it up for her inspection.
'It's nothing really, I just forgot to wrap my hand when I was working out and split my knuckles on a punching bag'. I try to sound as nonchalant as possible, playing it off as a mistake in the gym.
'You box?' Emily's eyebrows rise in surprise.
'Only for exercise. I've no interest in turning pro'. I smile at her, trying to make it look believable.
'Do you not swim anymore?' Emily takes a sip of her wine, her face a picture of curiosity.
I stifle a sigh, not wanting to think about my failed dreams. 'Not much. Swimming was my way of getting out of Rosewood, a full ride scholarship to anywhere U.S.A. Once I got sho...injured, that all went by the wayside. I got into boxing because it helped build up the muscles in my shoulder again, and hitting something is a good form of stress relief'. I refrain from adding that the somethings I normally hit are actual people, figuring that wouldn't go down too well.
Hanna squeezes my thigh gently and snuggles in closer. 'You still got out though, and everyone's plans are subject to change'.
I smile down at her, grateful that she understands my desire to keep the past firmly in the past. 'I did, and so did the both of you. Hanna tell me all about your internship, I want to know all the juicy gossip'.
I throw the ball into Hanna's court, knowing that she will be able to talk the hind legs off a donkey about her job and she immediately launches into a tale about some actor I've never heard of who tried chatting her up while she was taking his inside leg measurements. I relax into the couch and steal another slice of pizza, grateful that the inquisition is off me for a while.
Hanna and Emily manage to keep the conversation flowing for several hours with minimal input from me, they haven't seen each other in quite some time so have a fair bit of catching up to do and I have half zoned out their conversation; the combination of food, alcohol, sleep deprivation and the comfort of Hanna's body pressed against me making me start to doze off when I hear Hanna ask Emily a question that has my eyes popping back open in a flash. 'So are you going to dump her when you go back?'
I look at Emily in surprise and see her blushing, embarrassment written all over her face. She looks down at her hands to avoid looking back at me, her tone full of indecision. 'I don't know, it's just all so complicated'.
'Complicated how?' I can't help asking the question, my mouth working before my brain.
Emily shrugs uncomfortably, clearly not wanting to discuss her current girlfriend with her ex girlfriend. 'She has a lot of issues; about stuff'.
'Well that's not very helpful'. Hanna throws her hands up dramatically and rolls her eyes. 'You came here so that we could try and figure this out before you have to go back and see her. If you don't give us a bit more info about her we won't know how to help'.
Emily looks at me bashfully, her eyes showing her reluctance to talk so I try to make things easier on her.
'I don't mind you talking about her Emily, honestly'. I sit up a bit straighter and try to show her my sincerity. 'I've accepted that we are over, and I've made my peace with it. There is no jealously on my part, but I completely understand if you would rather talk to Hanna about this without me present'.
Emily's eyes widen slightly at my words, and I can still read her well enough to see surprise and even a hint of disappointment in them. She quickly recovers and continues as if nothing has happened. 'That's very kind of you Paige, thank you'.
Before I can remove myself from Hanna's embrace she butts in with her opinion too. 'But her advice might be helpful! Paige knows you as a girlfriend, maybe if you describe what is happening then she could figure out why Tory is being such a nightmare'.
Emily shoots Hanna a dirty look, clearly not happy that Hanna is speaking about her relationship in front of me. I decide to let Emily off the hook, not eager to be part of trying to repair Emily's fractured relationship. If anything I would be tempted to sabotage it, leaving Emily free and single when Spencer appears.
'Look, to be honest I'm shattered. I think it's best if I hit the hay and leave you ladies to it'. I untangle myself from Hanna and stand up, trying not to notice how relieved Emily looks at my words.
'I can come too if you want?' Hanna leans her head back on the couch and looks at me upside down, her eyes flashing with her unspoken question. Are you ok?
I place a kiss on her forehead and ruffle her hair as I smile gently at her. 'It's ok skittles, you stay and help Emily. I'll see you later'.
Hanna nods at my answer, her eyes telling me she understands my answer. No, but I'm not falling apart just yet'.
I bid Emily a soft goodnight and head into Hanna's bedroom, finding my bag at the foot of the bed. I open it and pull out a vest top and sleeping shorts along with my toothbrush before closing it back up and stashing it under the bed. I use Hanna's en suite and have a brief shower, the knowledge that I have a combination of work out sweat and sex sweat still coating my body making the need to wash before slipping between Hanna's immaculate sheets override the bone weary tiredness pervading my body.
I brush my teeth quickly, the large mirror over the sink making me too uncomfortable to prolong my stay any longer than necessary. Once safely back in Hanna's bedroom I strip off my towel and put on clean underwear, a simple black pair of boy shorts and a new sports bra.
I have my sleep shorts on and am just reaching for my vest top when the door opens, Hanna walking in already mid sentence. '….forgot to tell you about the...'
Hanna's words die in her throat the instant she see's me, her eyes immediately zeroing in on my torso. She pushes the door closed behind her and walks towards me slowly, her gaze flicking between my body and my face. 'Paige...What the...?'
Guilt floods through me at the look on her face, the tears in her eyes shining like a beacon. I don't make any attempt to put my top on, knowing that the damage has already been done. Instead I drop it back onto the bed and hold my arms out to the sides, letting her have an unobstructed view. Hanna reaches her hand out and strokes my stomach, her fingers gently tracing over the damaged flesh.
'It's worse than it looks'. My voice is low as I speak, my words soft.
Hanna's fingers scoot over my ribs and press experimentally on my bruise, making me automatically flinch at the pain. I look down to find Hanna frowning up at me, making a face I know all too well, Hanna's patented 'Don't try to lie to my face!' face; one she wore almost daily when she was living with me and I kept telling her I had just eaten each time she tried to get me to eat something.
'Ok, so it IS as bad as it looks'. I concede under her gaze like I always used to, unable to lie to her. 'But that's not why I need you; all my real pain is in here'. I place my hand over the left side of my chest to indicate where I mean, my voice breaking on the last word.
Hanna reaches up and strokes my cheek, her kind eyes understanding. 'You're staying with me as long as you need to ok. My home will always your home'.
I feel my eyes water at her words and wrap my arms around her waist in a huge hug, burying my face in her shoulder. Hanna steps up onto her tiptoes and wraps her arms around my neck to avoid hurting my side, squeezing herself tight against me.
'You ARE my home Hanna, I hope you know that'. I whisper the words, my throat too choked to make the words any louder.
'Backatcha McCullers'. Hanna tightens her arms slightly and kisses my cheek, her words just as soft as mine. 'I love you Paige, no matter what. You know that right?'
I nod against her shoulder, my words now failing me completely as the tears flow freely. All my strength seems to desert me and my body feels incredibly heavy, exhaustion swamping my frame as I realize I don't need to be strong in front of Hanna any longer.
Hanna's arms are solid around me and cradle me as I weep, my bubbly blonde being strong for me now. When my tears eventually lessen I pull back from her shoulder and swipe my arm across my face, no doubt looking a complete wreck. I smile weakly at Hanna, feeling way older than my barely twenty years and Hanna smiles back at me, the concern in her eyes clear and bright.
'You should get back out there, Emily will think we really are sleeping together if you stay in here much longer'. I try to make a joke of the whole thing, not wanting to worry Hanna any more than I have to.
'Let her think what she wants, I only care about you right now'. Hanna's voice is soft but firm, her eyes showing me she means her words.
I hug her again but keep it brief, not wanting to risk unleashing anymore waterworks for now. 'I'll be fine, I'm probably just going to crash straight out anyway'.
Hanna raises her eyebrow at me, clearly not believing me and I almost cave and tell her to stay, but a timid knock on the door stops me before I can.
'Hanna?' Emily's hesitant voice sounds through the door and Hanna turns to look at it.
While Hanna is distracted I take a deep breath, gritting my teeth to force back the words I was about to say. Instead I touch Hanna on the shoulder gently and whisper in her ear. 'Go. Have fun. We'll talk later'.
Hanna looks at me again, her eyes trying to bore into mine. I roll my eyes at her and giver her a gentle shove, pointing at the door. 'Go!'
Hanna walks over to the door and cracks it open a fraction, being careful to make sure Emily can't see me from where she is. 'What's up Em?'
'I er...I just wondered if you were coming back out. You said you needed to tell Paige something real quick, and then you disappeared for ten minutes'. Emily's voice is equal parts apologetic for interrupting and curious to know what is going on in here.
'Yeah sorry about that, we were just talking'. Hanna sounds relaxed and natural, nothing in her voice giving away the fact that I have just been sobbing my heart out in her arms. 'Paige is just off to bed now so I'll be back out in a sec'.
'Oh, ok. I'll see you in a second then'. Emily sounds slightly taken aback, but doesn't question things further. 'Night Paige'.
I just have time to reply with my own goodnight before Hanna shuts the door on Emily and turns to look at me. 'Right, let's get you tucked in then shall we'.
Hanna starts stripping the covers back as I retrieve my vest top from the bed and pull it on, feeling better now my ruined stomach is covered. I see Hanna look at my stomach like she can still see the scars, a pensive look on her face. 'I'll tell you, I promise'.
Hanna looks up at me, her eyes surprised. 'That's not what I was thinking'.
'I know'. I smile at her softly as I slip into the bed, knowing she wouldn't of been thinking of asking about it. 'You never pushed me to talk about my nightmares, never pried or questioned the things you didn't understand. You saved my life, yet never yelled at me for putting you through hell or demanded I tell you everything. You were simply there for me, with unconditional love and support'.
Hanna pulls the covers up around me as she shrugs her shoulders like it was no big deal, her expression nonplussed. 'You had everyone else for that, including the woman currently sitting in my living room. I just wanted to make sure you were ok'.
I reach out and grip her hand, bringing it to my lips to kiss. 'You are an amazing woman Hanna Marin, I love you so much'.
Hanna drops a kiss on my forehead and strokes my hair gently. 'I love you too trouble, now close those eyes and go to sleep. I expect to snuggle up to a soundly asleep woman when I come back!'
She grins at me as she exits the room, flipping the switch on the wall as she passes it to drop the room into darkness.
As soon as the door is closed I hop back out of bed, traversing the darkened room without issue as I had memorized the layout as soon as I entered the room earlier. I retrieve my phone and slip back into bed, not wanting Hanna to catch me prowling around after her explicit command. I pull the covers over my head and switch it on, the wait seeming like forever as the phone boots up. As soon as it had loaded my screen informs me I have several new messages, my heart constricting at the sight.
I decide to read the text messages first, figuring they would be less painful than listening to Spencer's voice. I have eleven in total, each one breaking my heart a little further.
11:00: Paige, come back.
11:47: Paige, please don't do this.
12:12: I need you to come back to me.
12:47: Please talk to me Paige, just answer your phone.
13:26: You didn't even say goodbye in your letter. Do I not deserve a goodbye?
14:17: We need to talk Paige, we can't leave it like this.
14:54: You're freaking me out, please just let me know you're ok.
15:35: I never pegged you for a fuck em and leave em kind of girl. Guess I was wrong.
16:19: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I just need to talk to you. Please call me.
16:58: I can't stop picturing you injured. Please let me know you are safe. Please.
17:26: Paige, I can't do this, I need you with me. Please tell me where you are.
I should stop now, switch my phone off and leave the voice mail messages unheard, but I know that I can't. I dial my voice mail account with shaky fingers and swallow my tears, trying to hold myself together so I can get through them. The phone clicks as it connects.
'You have eight new messages...'
As soon as Spencer starts speaking I gasp in shock, knowing immediately that when she recorded the message she had just woken up and not seen my note yet. Her voice is fuzzy with sleep, yet full of sensual promise.
10:56: Hey cutie, did you pop out for something? Hurry back, the bed is far too cold without you, I need your sexy body to warm me up!
The next one is only two minutes later, and her tone tells me that she has found my note. Her voice has lost all trace of sleepiness, now fully alert and sounding panicked.
10:58: Paige! Come back! Please! You don't have to leave!
The distress in her voice hurts my heart, the sadness in it put there by my actions.
11:29: Paige, I understand you think you need to do this but you really, really don't. Please just call me, lets talk about it.
My tears start again, a slow trickle that trails off my face to pool on the pillow beneath me.
12:15: Last night was the first time I've felt happy in such a long time, and today is the worst. I know you think I should be with Emily, that you left so that I can go to her, but I need you in my life Paige, please come back to me.
My tears become full on sobs and I stuff my fist into my mouth to muffle the noise, not wanting the sound to carry into the living room.
13:10: I've read your letter over and over, so many times that I know every word by heart now. Yet I still can't accept that you've gone. I'm still in your apartment, hoping that you'll walk back in through the door any second now. I can't bring myself to leave, because I know as soon as I do that I will be admitting you're not coming back.
14:56: Paige I need to hear from you, please let me know you're ok.
Spencer sounds so sad, her voice stuffy and thick, as if she too has been crying.
16:21: I'm sorry I got angry, I didn't mean that. I know you're not that kind of girl Paige. Last night was amazing and you made me feel incredible, more alive than I have in a long time. I just wish you were still here with me, so that we could talk properly. I have so much I want to say to you, but I can't do it on your voice mail. Please call me Paige, please.
The last one was a few hours ago, roughly when I had been making small talk with Emily. Spencer sounds defeated, like she has finally accepted that I'm not coming back.
18:52: So this is it. I guess you've gone somewhere I will never find you. I'm sorry you felt you had to leave Paige, I truly am. I understand that I remind you of the past, and the past is a painful place for you; it is for me too. I was hoping we could help each other heal, but I guess my presence in your life is just too much for you to deal with. Please let me know you are ok, so that I will be able to sleep without picturing you dead in a gutter somewhere. I hope you don't mind but I took a hoodie from your apartment, I just wanted to feel you around me for a little longer. Maybe some day you'll be able to be my friend again, I would like that very much. Take care of yourself Paige, I hope you manage to find your happiness. Thank you for all that you have done for me. Yours forever, Spencer.
My eyes are so full of tears that I can barely see, but my fingers still manage to type out my message.
I'm sorry for leaving but I couldn't stay. It was better this way, for both of us. I hope some day you can forgive me. You'll always be special to me Spencer, nothing will ever change that and you'll always be my friend. Tell Emily how you feel, you both deserve to be happy. Be strong Hastings, go get your girl. Goodbye.
I hit send before I can think too hard about it and let my phone slip through my fingers, burying my head into the pillow as my body shakes with the intensity of my sobs. I feel completely empty, the brief happiness I felt in Spencer's arms managed to repair my heart just enough for it to be able to smash even more painfully now.
I have no idea how long I have been crying, but I suddenly feel a pair of gentle arms encircle me and pull me towards them. I spin round in surprise and find Hanna next to me, her face a mask of sorrow at my distress. 'Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry'.
She opens her arms wider and I immediately burrow into them, pressing my face tight against her chest as I wail like a little child in it's mothers arms. Hanna gathers me against her body and holds me tight, whispering comforting words I can't make out into my hair.
After what seems like hours my body finally runs out of tears and I quieten down, my exhausted body curled up almost on top of the small blonde as she strokes my hair slowly. Despite my body's exhaustion my mind is still wide awake, a million thoughts zipping through it like a busy highway, and I fidget with the strap of Hanna's top to try and release some of the pent up energy in my brain.
Hanna is perfectly quiet while I fidget despite the soggy spot on her top, her hand combing through my hair and the steady beat of her heart under my ear aiding me in slowing my own racing heartbeat.
'I'm a vigilante'. The words slip out of my mouth into the quiet room, winging their way to Hanna's ears.
The hand stroking my hair pauses in its movement. 'You can see the future?'
I lift my head from her chest and look up at Hanna, seeing the confusion on her face. 'That's a medium'.
'A medium what?' She scrunches her nose up as she concentrates and I can't help but chuckle at how adorable she looks.
'A medium is a psychic, a person that can see the future'.
Hanna's brow clears in understanding, then scrunches again. 'So what's a vigilante?'
I suck in a breath and speak on the exhale. 'Someone outside of law enforcement that stops bad guys from hurting people'.
'Like Batman!' Hanna's face clears again.
I raise my eyebrows at her. 'Why does everyone think of Batman when they hear vigilante?'
Hanna shrugs her shoulders. 'Caleb took me to see the Dark Knight Rises. Christian Bale was pretty hot in an older guy kinda way, though way too intense for me. Who else have you told about being a vigilante?'
I avert my eyes and drop my head back onto her chest, listening to her heart beat steadily against my ear. Hanna's hand starts stroking my hair again, her words soft. 'You don't have to answer that if you don't want to'.
Typical Hanna; she doesn't want to upset me so gives me an out, making sure I only have to say what I want to. It would be so easy to just take the out, to bottle my feelings and push them away so I didn't have to deal with them; but the last time I did that I ended up pushing away everyone I cared about too.
Instead I raise my head back up and look at her, my eyes centered on hers. 'There is only one other person that knows what I do, but she's the reason I'm here; why I'm empty'.
'You love her'. Hanna doesn't have to ask, she can see it written all over my face.
I nod and blink back the tears gathering in my eyes, determined to finish before I break down again. 'I was broken for so long, but being with her made me feel whole again. For that brief, shining moment, my life had meaning again; but she doesn't love me. She's been in love with someone else for many years, someone who she could have a real future with'.
'You pushed her away'. Hanna sounds upset with my decision.
I swallow hard, feeling my control slipping. 'Shes an amazing woman and deserves to be happy, to have a chance at being with the person she loves'. I pause and breath deeply for a few seconds, swiping away the tear that manages to escape. 'I knew the sight of her walking away from me would kill me, so I left first.'
'How do you know she would choose this girl over you? You're pretty great you know'. Hanna looks at me with genuine affection, her hand stroking my cheek.
I smile gently at her words, loving Hanna for saying them. 'Thank you skittles, you always know how to make a girl feel better'.
Hanna smiles at me and shakes her head. 'I mean it Paige, you're worth ten times as much as any other girl. This woman must be crazy not to choose you'.
I sigh deeply, my heart heavy. 'Spencer is many things, but shes definitely not crazy'.
Hanna looks confused for a second, then sits bolt upright in surprise. 'Spencer? As in Spencer Hastings Spencer?'
I sit up as well and nod my head, feeling too raw to speak.
Hanna looks thoughtful, her eyes shining with the new information. 'You're in love with Spencer' .
I nod again, the words a knife to my chest.
'Then you have to fight for her Paige! You can't just let her go, you need to prove to her how much better than this other girl you are!' Hanna's words are emphatic, her eyes burning into mine.
I flop onto my back and push my fingers through my hair, the heels of my hands rubbing at my temples to try and ease the pounding in them. 'I can't. It's just not that simple'.
Hanna leans over me, her brows furrowed. 'Why are you so ready to give up on her Paige? Why are you so willing to let this other woman have your happiness, to have Spencer?'
My eyes slide to the door leading out to the living room and I see Hanna's follow. 'Because the other woman is Emily'.