A/N This was the worst chapter to write, and you'll see why. I don't do things like this easily. I can't tell you how many times I had to stop writing, walk away, put it away for the night, etc. I don't take situations like this lightly, and I don't want you to think that I have. It's here mainly to make it more clear why Kurt is the way he is.

With that being said: WARNINGS - explicit non-con and language in a dream / flashback. If you don't want to read this chapter, you won't miss a lot of plot. It explains, in grave detail, what Kurt has experienced and why he's so skittish around people. You CAN skip this chapter and still make sense of the story as a whole. In a nutshell, Kurt flashes back to his relationship with Jackson, his ex, and their traumatic end. He finally tells Rachel all of the details in hopes of easing some of it off of his own shoulders and to make her understand him better. Now you may pick up on Chapter 15 without missing a beat if you so choose.

As usual, I still own nothing related to Glee and I'd still love to hear from you :) Tell me what you think...what could make this better? What do you already like? Just want to yap? I'm up for it :) Thanks for reading!

CHAPTER 14

When Kurt returned to the apartment he found that Rachel had gone home after the furniture delivery guys did their thing. They had to have just barely missed each other. Of course, he'd taken to coming in the back door instead of the front. It just seemed logical to directly enter his apartment and not traipse through the building if he didn't have to. It dawned on him that Rachel didn't have a key to the back door yet. He had to remember to make her one.

He took a look around the apartment. Kurt was thrilled with the furniture pieces he'd picked and was ready to purchase linens for his bed as well as bathroom towels and kitchen towels. He had already decided on paint, at least to a point, but now that the furniture was here, he could finalize his choices. This would surely be his favorite part. He wasn't sure who placed the furniture, but it would definitely be moved soon. Moving into the kitchen to check out his new barstools, he found a note on the kitchen counter that read:

Kurt,

Sorry to run out on you. I waited until they were finished here, but Finn called and he's not feeling so well, and I need to grab him some cough medicine at the pharmacy. Hopefully if he gets some meds in now, he'll feel well enough to go to work later tonight? LOVE the furniture. Will call you later. I hope everything worked out well today. I hope you're not mad at me about the sketch book. I love you!
Rachel

p.s. Your neighbor was in the hallway today and he is freaking hotter than hell. For your sake I hope he plays on your team! Get some of that, darling! SMOKIN'! J

Wait, what neighbor? Which one? He'd make it a point to find out.

Kurt smiled to himself. Rachel really was his best friend. She had been for years and he wouldn't trade her for the world. Yes, maybe she was a diva. Yes, at times she was hard to deal with. Yes, she was absolutely loyal to a fault and would never let him down. And it didn't hurt that she was nearly married to his step brother. It has been their idea for him to come to New York in the first place. He tried really hard to make this his own decision to try something new in a new city, but he kept coming back to the fact that he felt like he was running away. And, truth be told, he sort of was. Jackson was in Ohio, and he wanted nothing more than to put some distance between the two of them; a lot of distance. Settling on the new sofa he stretched back and propped his arms out like a 'T' on the back of the cushions and relaxed. He'd been really nervous about his meeting with David this morning and he hadn't slept well at all last night. He was beat and it was only 2 pm.

He woke to the feeling of fingers stroking along his face, his cheek, his chin. He smiled into the feeling and leaned toward it, still half asleep. Opening his eyes he saw Jax there, sitting on the edge of his bed, and looking at him with a blank expression on his face. Suddenly it hit him that this situation wasn't good, and he was instantly wide awake and afraid.

"How did you get in here?!" Kurt sqeaked, scooting back on the bed towards the headboard.

"I'll always find a way to get to you, Kurt. Locking me out is pointless. It's a joke, really, how easy that lock was to pick."

"You picked my…..what? Since when do YOU pick locks?

"Kurt, there are SOOOO many things you don't know about me." Jax sneered with an evil hiss.

"I need you to go…I want you to leave now. We have nothing left to talk about, and the restraining order says….."

Pain etched itself into Kurt's pores with the sound of a loud smack across his face. He was thrown to his side with the force of the slap and immediately started to scramble away, knocking everything off of his nightstand in the process. "That's for the restraining order!" Kurt tried to dive to the floor and Jax grabbed his foot, pulling him back up. Kurt kicked out, using all of his power to evade being anywhere near Jackson. But Jax was so much bigger than him, taller, stronger and right now, his anger was fueling his might.

"You know, it's funny, how I played all of my cards right. I did every stupid thing you wanted to do. I went to plays I had absolutely no interest in. I listened to music that made my ears bleed. I hung out with your STUPID friends. I stayed in your shitty apartment on the sofa when you asked me to. On the sofa, Kurt. After months, you'd think I'd have moved on up from the fucking sofa!" he screamed.
Kurt still struggled to get away, twisting and kicking out.

"Jackson, there is no point to this conversation. We're done. You don't want me, obviously, and I don't want you. Please…..don't make this any worse. Leave now and I won't call the police." He begged.

"Ok, so there's where you're wrong, Kurt." Jackson let go of Kurt's leg and stood up. He walked over to the door and turned the lock, keeping his back to Kurt. Leaning his forehead against the cool wood of the door, he continued to talk, very calmly and quietly, which didn't settle Kurt's fears at all. Instead, he felt sick, like he was going to throw up, and he couldn't stop trembling. Spying his phone on the floor where he'd knocked it off the nightstand, he grabbed it and slid his finger over the speaker, effectively keeping the noises from Jax's attention. Quckly he dialed 911 and left the phone on the floor under the bed. Jax continued talking, every word menacing.

"Kurt, I put a lot of time and effort into this relationship. I waited and waited for you to warm up, but you know what? You never did. You're a fucking cock-tease, Kurt Hummel, and I plan to show you how things COULD have been if you'd just let me have things MY way once in a fucking while!"

Kurt shuddered. He could see the anger and rage in his ex-boyfriend's eyes and he knew what was coming. It wasn't 'what could happen', it was what was going to happen. His mind was spinning and he fought back the nausea.

"So what, Jackson, you got up this morning and said to yourself "ok, I think today I'll hike on over to 732 Parkland where Kurt lives, march right up to apartment 24 and harass the hell out of my ex-boyfriend, effectively scaring the hell out of him? Because, let me tell you, Jax…you're doing a damn good job of it. What happened to you? We used to have so much fun together. When we first started going out, you were happy, you smiled all the time, you wanted to go out, do things, go places. What happened to ruin all that? After a few months, all you wanted to do was stay in. No friends, no parties, no movies with the gang…and now I feel like I don't even know you at all. Clearly I didn't know you then, either!"

Kurt made himself keep talking. He could see that the line was open, and hoped like hell that someone had answered and could hear him speaking.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Kurt? What happened? You want to know what the fuck happened, Kurt? Absolutely nothing. Not a God Damn thing, Kurt. Nothing. When do you plan to take off your little girl panties and actually DO something with someone ? When do you plan on cashing in that V-card, Kurt, because let me tell you something, sweetheart, it's not going to anyone but ME. I've worked long and hard for it, and I'll be damned if you're giving what's rightfully mine to anyone else. Do you understand what I'm saying, Kurt?"

He felt sick. His hand flew up to his mouth and he was certain he was about to vomit then and there. He felt his stomach prickle with the muscle spasms that would surely cause him to gag soon.

"Jax….please….there has to be another way around this. Maybe we can work things out, maybe….if we just talk about things, and get back to where we were, we can…."

"Shut the fuck up, Kurt! Damn it, you know better than that. Don't treat me like I'm stupid!" Jax screamed at him. "When I leave here today, it will be for the very last time. I will not be back, but I'm leaving a piece of me with you, and damnit, I'm taking a chunk of you with me!"

"Jackson, no…we can….."

"We can 'nothing'…I can do whatever I want. You can lay there still as a corpse if you want, but make no mistake about it, your ass is mine today."

Kurt scrambled to get up, but there was nowhere to go. He was between the bed and the wall and Jax was between him and the door. Jackson lunged for him and grabbed his arm, spinning him around and shoving him into the wall hard.
"Jax, please…..don't…please, you're hurting me."

"Stop whining. You'll like it, and you'll be begging for it when I'm done with you. You'll wonder how you ever went so long without it. You got 'ny lube in here?" he said, jerking Kurt down the wall and checking the nightstand drawer.

"No, I don't….didn't need it…..please. Jax, please…"

Without warning a wad of fabric, a sock perhaps, or a scarf, was shoved into Kurt's mouth, effectively shutting off his pleas for Jackson to stop. Panic set in and his fight or flight response was in full effect. With every bit of strength he could muster, Kurt swung his arm free and aimed for Jackson's face, scratching ferociously across his eyes and hitting him in the nose as hard as he could. Jax screamed in pain, but it only fueled his rage. He pinned Kurt's arms back behind him and slammed an elbow into Kurt's back.

Kurt was sobbing now, crying in earnest, and he shut his eyes to close himself off to what he knew was going to happen. He could fight back all he wanted, but the truth was, Jackson was 3 inches taller than him and had a good 30 lbs on him as well. He worked out daily, and his toned body was the proof. It sickened Kurt to realize that something that had initially drawn him to Jax would be the very thing that would keep Kurt from getting away from him.

Jackson shoved him down onto the bed, face down, and grabbed at the waistband of his pajama pants, ripping them down, and when they got stuck under Kurt's weight, he shredded them down a side seam and shoved them aside. Kurt refused to hold still, thrashing as much as he could with the weight on his body, and Jax pulled his arm up behind him further until he felt a pop. Kurt screamed out in pain and Jax just smiled.

"Wiggle again, I dare you. I fucking dare you to move. You want the other arm done too?" he sneered.

Kurt heard a zipper going down and Jax smacked him on the ass hard, telling him to move his legs apart. Kurt refused, shaking his head, which was now swimming with the pain in his arm.

"Listen you little fuckwad, I'm going to have your ass today one way or the other." He grabbed Kurt's left leg and shoved it over, placing a knee on the bed between Kurt's thighs and leaned into him, rubbing his cock along Kurt's crack. His fingers followed and he was pressing down with his other hand on Kurt's injured arm, the pressure on his back almost enough to make him black out.

Jackson slid a finger into Kurt once, then immediately added another causing Kurt to scream into the gag in his mouth and shake his head no. Jax spit on his fingers and shoved three into Kurt's tight hole, moving them in and out only twice before pulling them out and shoving his cock into Kurt so hard that he did, finally, by the grace of God, pass out from the pain.

He missed the loud bang at the apartment door. He missed the officer yelling "Mr. Hummel, are you inside? Are you ok, sir?" And when there was no response, they kicked the door in only to find Kurt nearly strangled to death on the bed, Jax with his pants still around his ankles and a line of semen down Kurt's back, his hands around Kurt's neck. Kurt was nearly blue.

Kurt woke up, gasping and his hands flew to his neck. His eyes were wide and he had tears running down his face. He was sobbing.

"Just a dream, Kurt…only a dream. He's not here. Don't panic." He chanted to himself. But it was a dream fully based on what had really happened in his bedroom that warm April morning. A morning that would live in his mind until he died, he was certain of it. A memory that would haunt him until he found a way to erase it from his brain, and he wasn't holding his breath on that one.

He'd broken out into a cold sweat. Kurt grabbed his phone and dialed, hands shaking, and he knew it was time.

"Rachel, it's me. Yeah, how's Finn? Good…..listen, when he leaves for work tonight, are you busy? Could you come over? I wanted to talk to you about something. No, just something important…..ok, I'll see you then. Thanks."

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"….so I guess, from reading the police reports, the officer stayed on the line to hear what was going on and she dispatched officers to my address. That's where they found him and he was…..he was um….like I said before….."
"Enough! Please, Kurt, please don't say any more. I don't think I can handle it." Rachel was sitting on the other end of the sofa sobbing hysterically, big, round tears streaming down her pink cheeks. She was visibly shaking.

"Oh my God, Kurt. Oh my GOD!" she screamed and launched herself at him, pulling him into her arms and holding on for dear life. "And here, when I saw you, I thought he'd just broken your arm. You know, the cast and all that…I just assumed you'd fought and….oh God…..I had no idea, Kurt. I'm so, so sorry, baby. I didn't know, and I never DREAMED that he'd do something like…..oh honey."

"So, now you know." He said much more calmly then he actually felt. "You know why anyone touching me makes me want to faint. You know why I haven't dated since Jax. You know why I just feel a little….less…than myself. My confidence took a nose dive, Rach. Surely I wasn't worth anything after all he'd done to me. Surely I was damaged goods, right?"

"Oh Kurt, no! No, it's not like that! You know better than that!"

"I know…I know that now. I've been seeing a therapist since then. When I moved up here, he recommended a colleague and that's where I've been going on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I'm sorry I lied about that…I just…I wasn't ready to tell the story. Only my dad and Carole know and I was just….I'm still so…..I'm broken, Rach. It'll take a while to fix me, I think." He let out a stifled half laugh. "Dr. Stein will be good for me. She's the one here…..Dr. Reynolds was in Ohio…he was ok, but …..well, anyway. It was time to tell you. I needed to, so thank you for listening and not interrupting. Had I stopped talking, I don't know that I'd have been able to pick back up and keep going."

They sat there, on the sofa, holding each other for a long time, not caring what time it was. Not moving, not talking, just sitting and being still. It was exactly what Kurt needed and he was happy with his decision to tell Rachel the whole story, finally. Later they watched 'Rent' for the 100th time and just talked on the sofa into the night.

"I thought, surely, you wanted to talk to me about taking your sketch book…..I'm sorry I did that. Ok, really, I'm not. Tell me you're not mad?" Rachel pleaded.

"Oh my GOD, Rachel! I was so wrapped up in the Jax story that I didn't even tell you what David wants! You are NOT going to believe it when I tell you! And yes, I LOVE you endlessly for taking my book to him. He was really interested in my sketches, and he showed me some of his from college. Did you know he has a degree in fashion design? Me neither! Anyway, we started talking and he wants MY help with his 'new venture', Rachel! I am beside myself and so crazy excited about this! "

Kurt, excitedly, told Rachel about the meeting with David Perry and she was ecstatic for him, of course. They did their happy dance around the living room and by the time they were exhausted from laughing and jumping around, they dropped on to the sofa, breathless, and smiling. This was MUCH better than the sobbing and sadness of an hour ago.
"So, I have to ask you, Kurt. Who is he?" Rachel asked, looking at him with a knowing smirk.

"You lost me….who is 'who'? "

"The guy…the guy in all of your sketches now. They used to be random, this blonde here, that brunet there, etc. Now every one of them is a curly dark haired guy with beautiful honey colored eyes. Kurt, the other sketches don't even have faces, let alone eyes! What gives? Are you still hung up on the coffee shop guy? Is that who it is? "

"I wouldn't say 'hung up' exactly. Ok, maybe I would. Rachel, he's stuck in my head. If I never see him again, I'll remember how he looked sitting in that coffee shop forever. I'm not unreasonable. I know the likelihood of seeing him ever again is slim and none, especially in New York, but oh my God, Rachel, he was just stunning….just….." Kurt shook his head with a small smile. "They could put that boy in a museum and I'd sit and stare at him all day long. " He sighed. "Until I find him, I'll continue to draw him until I get him out of my system I guess."

"Oh Kurt…..I hope you find him again. And if you do, I hope he deserves you, because he'd have to be awfully special to deserve someone as wonderful as my best friend!"

"I don't know about all that, but I do know I wish I could at least just SEE him one more time." Kurt said, sadly. "There was just this…..this 'spark' or something, when I saw him. I felt almost as if the air had been yanked out of my lungs. His eyes were so expressive. Looking into those eyes would be like reading a novel, I just know it. You'd be able to see forever and you'd never want to look away." Kurt mused.

"Well, I'll tell you what, I know that if you saw the guy I saw in the hall this afternoon he'd turn your head! He was amazing, Kurt. He kinda looks like your sketch guy, as a matter of fact. Maybe you can use him and abuse him sexually to vent your frustration over not having your coffee shop guy?" she laughed.

Kurt half grinned and dropped his eyes to the beautiful dark wood coffee table. "I don't know that I'll be using and abusing anyone anytime soon….I mean…with everything…."

"Kurt, that's not what I meant…I wasn't saying that you….God I need a filter. I'm just going to sit here silently so that I don't say anything stupid anymore."
"I'd pay good money to see THAT, Berry!" he snickered. "That's not going to happen!"

"Oh shut up, Kurt!" Rachel said, smacking him on the arm. "Kurt, I'm really…really so very sorry about everything with Jax. I can't find the words, the right words, to say how much I want to just hold you and fix you. But then again, saying that I want to 'fix you' implies that you're broken, and you're not, Kurt. You're not broken. You're whole, and positive and strong and just the most wonderful friend. I will do anything in my power to help you through this, I promise. Anything you need, anything, you just ask, ok? "

"I will, Rach. I know I'm not 'broken', but sometimes I don't feel completely whole yet. I'll get there, I know I will, but right now, I just want to get back to some semblance of normalcy. I want people to understand why I'm so skittish, but I'm so embarrassed to tell anyone what actually happened. It's bad enough that people think he hit me and broke my arm. The reality is so much worse, and it makes me feel weak and scared and…..just broken. I want to be whole, I really do.

Dr. Stein says that I need to get back out in public more often and face my fear of being around people. I need to push myself to be in social situations and train my brain, again, to know that for the most part, people are kind and the vast majority have no intention of hurting anyone. He says I need to work on being brushed up against and bumped into without having a panic attack, which probably sounds like it's so simple, but sometimes that small contact with someone sends me over the edge. I'm ready and willing to work on it, though, and I know it's time. It's been over a year, and I need to stand up for myself and be me again. I can't let Jax ruin any more of my life!"

"That's the Kurt I know and love" she smiled. "We'll do this together. You'll see…..we'll get you back to your old self in no time!"