Author's note - I had wanted to wait until Chapter 13 passed through beta over at Twilighted before I posed here, but I can't wait anymore. I'm too excited to get it out.
You own me. I love you. Seriously. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, you are more awesome than you know.
Chapter 13 is done. *wipes brow* Whew!! I tell ya, trying to write a love story when you're just plain pissed off is hard. I wanted so badly to make Bella go all kung fu on Edward's ass more than once, but I restrained myself. That just isn't this Bella.
So, aside from kung fu wishes, the chapter finally got done. I honestly don't know when I am going to have the next chapter up, and that just kills me. I was doing so good, too. Hopefully within the next few weeks. Things are not going as planned, so that might just get shot down too. But have no fear, because I will finish this story. I have to, or else my friends (and probably you guys) will hate me forever if I don't. And I can't have that.
So anyway, here is the next chapter! Enjoy!
Haunted Memories
Chapter 13
When we got back to our area, Edward and the rest of the family were exactly where we had left them. Edward smiled at me and kissed me as I sat next to him. I kissed him back, far more relieved that I cared to admit that he was still here. Either Jasper didn't pick up on my relief, or he didn't think it was too out of place. I'm sure if he thought something was out of place, he'd confront me about it before I could even work up a good story.
We spent that night telling stories and entertaining each other much like we had done throughout the week.
Esme and Carlisle were telling us again about some of the events that happened when they came together and as Carlisle was talking, Esme was looking at him with a loving gleam in her eye. It was nice to finally be able to look at Edward the same way.
I remembered suddenly that I was going to talk to him about our relationship. I wanted to back down again, but I knew it needed to happen. When Carlisle was done with his story, Esme stood up and tugged on his arm. They excused themselves to their section of the forest, the others going to their sections as well. Edward and I walked to our section and I could feel my anxiety rising with each footstep.
"Something on your mind?" Edward asked.
I looked up at him and I'm sure my expression was probably terrified.
"You look pensive. Is everything okay?" he prodded.
I knew this was my perfect opportunity, so I closed my eyes and nodded, turning to face him.
"Yeah, everything's okay. There's just something that I would like to talk to you about," I said, the words trying their best to stick in my throat.
He sat down next to a tree and gestured for me to sit next to him. I sat down next to him and he put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. I wanted to just stay there like this, silent and in his arms.
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
For once, I wished that he could just read my mind so I didn't have to say it. I took a breath to say something and realized I had no idea how I was going to start this conversation. I just knew how I wanted it to end.
Edward waited surprisingly patiently for me to gather my thoughts. I finally decided on something to say and leaned back slightly to look into his eyes.
"Edward, I want to talk to you about… us," I said, hesitating on the word. In my head, it sounded like I was breaking up with him. "What I mean is I want to know what you think about us."
He furrowed his brow for a moment, probably trying to decipher my code.
"Well, Bella," he started, looking down for a moment. "I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but I think, maybe, we belong together?" he said, sounding as if he were asking a question.
I took a deep breath. "I hope so," I said softly. "I mean, we are back together, which is good, but are we really together?" I tried to clarify.
"Do you want to be?" he asked.
I furrowed my brow, hating that he was turning it back on me. I had done everything I could to be with him.
"Of course I do, Edward. I want to know what you want," I said, getting a little annoyed.
He leaned his head back against the tree and tightened his arm around my shoulders. "I want to be with you, Bella. I really do. But I feel kind of lost, you know? I learned how to be with you when you were human until… that… happened. But now I'm not sure what to do," he said slowly.
I nodded. I understood. Kind of. We were both out of our element, trying to salvage what we had created before.
"I had convinced myself when I met you that nothing could get any better. What I had with you then was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me and I just couldn't make myself believe that anything better could exist. And yet, with you here now, as a vampire, and we can be together without boundaries, it is better and yet terrifying at the same time. I can't seem to convince myself that I won't kill you if I hold you as tightly as I want to or that if I close my eyes for a moment, I won't wake up again in the meadow, alone, and find that this has been a dream." He turned his head to look at me.
"I'm afraid of that, too," I confessed. "Not the killing me part, of course, but of this being some kind of illusion or dream. When I went hunting today, I was so afraid that you wouldn't be here when I got back."
"I will always be here for you, Bella. I am not leaving this country without you. You're stuck with me for the rest of your existence. Do you think you can handle that?" he asked teasingly.
I looked up at him. I loved the sparkle in his eyes as he smiled down at me. The difference in eye color was strange, but somehow marked him as mine more than anything else.
"I can handle it only if you can handle being stuck with me for the rest of your existence," I said softly.
"I wouldn't have it any other way," he whispered, then leaned in to kiss me gently.
As much as I loved his kisses, I'd had more than enough of his gentle, repressed kisses. I wanted him to show me his passion. I sat up a little and pushed my lips to his, hoping he would get my hint.
Thank god he did. He broke the kiss and moved his arm from around my shoulders to my waist, arranging me so I was sitting sideways on his lap.
I turned by body to him and he took my face in his hands.
"I love you, Isabella Marie Swan," he said seriously, giving me another gentle kiss. "More than I could have ever imagined. I want to be with you for the rest of my existence, even if that means the rest of eternity." He pressed his lips to mine again, harder this time. I brought my hands up to hold on to his shoulders and pull myself closer.
I pulled back slightly this time. "And I love you, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. I hope we get the rest of eternity," I whispered before going in for the kill.
I was bound and determined to recreate the kiss from what I could remember of the dream I'd had when I decided that becoming a vampire was the answer. I moved my hands to the back of his head and crushed my lips against his. He held me tightly as he kissed me back. I was more than ecstatic when he took the initiative and opened his mouth. I could tell he was nervous by the way he hesitated. I decided that I had had enough waiting. I reached out my tongue, searching for his. Thankfully, he didn't make me wait. The taste of him that I remembered from my dream was nothing compared to him. I kissed him harder, wishing I could wrap myself up in him and never let go. He held me tighter as we kissed, our breath becoming labored. I had never felt so much excitement in my life as I pushed my body against him as best I could in our position.
He began pushing me back and I pulled back, furrowing my eyebrows. He was breathing heavily and took a moment to calm himself. The lust in his eyes made me want to kiss him again. He wouldn't let me as he kept his hands on my shoulders.
"What's wrong?" I asked. Surely he wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him?
"Nothing is wrong, Bella, but I think that we should take this slowly and try to rebuild our relationship from the ground up before we tackle this. Things have changed and as we decided earlier, we can't go into this with the thought that everything is going to be the same as it was before. We both need to discover each other again," he said softly.
I nodded. "I agree."
With that, I laid my head on his shoulder and just rested against him. I let my mind wander over the last three years and what I could remember of my human life. Most of it was very fuzzy and hard to recall, but some things were clearer than others. Most of the clearer memories were of Edward. I focused on them like I had many times before because I didn't want to lose them. I recalled the way he would come into my room at night. I sighed deeply.
"Are you okay?" Edward whispered.
"Yes," I replied, "I was just trying to remember our relationship before. You know, when I was a human." It still felt odd to say that. When I was a human.
"Is it hard for you?" he asked.
I wasn't sure how to answer that. "It is but it isn't. I remember small details and larger ones, but some things are very fuzzy. I remember things about you, but it's my own reactions that I find hard to recall. I remember my reaction to our first kiss, but I can't quite recall how I reacted to our last," I answered.
We sat in silence as my confessions sunk in.
"I remember," he said softly. It was the day before I left you, after Alice said you needed a personal day. I kissed you and your heart rate picked up. It wasn't unusual, but it was somehow faster than usual. I wasn't sure if you suspected anything, but I remember that I wanted to get out of there so I could talk to Alice about what she had seen."
"I can't remember if I suspected anything or not. I remember everything about the next day clearly, though. I remember how I had been so happy to see you. Like I knew you couldn't stay away from me," I looked up at Edward when he sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about it," I whispered.
"No, Bella, it's okay. We probably should talk about it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard in a couple's thoughts of the things they hide away and how it destroys their relationships. As much as it hurts to remember it, I think we should get it out of the way so we can put it behind us," he said, smiling at me. I smiled back.
"That sounds reasonable," I said. "I remember that I was convinced you had become someone else. I was honestly scared."
"That's what I had hoped for," he chuckled bitterly, "I wanted you to be frightened of me and let me go. Did it work at all? Even a little?" he asked.
"Yes, for a while. And then I talked to Alice and she explained things in a different light and I understood. At first, I didn't know that you were pretending. I was afraid that I was going to die. I had even gone so far as to create a new Edward in my head. There was you, who loved me, and then the new you, who wanted to kill me. I locked my window," I confessed.
Edward laughed out loud. "Did you think that would have kept me out?" he asked.
"No, I didn't. But I know it made me feel slightly safer."
He kissed my head and chuckled again. "So after you talked to Alice, you weren't afraid anymore?"
"No, I wasn't. I realized that you hadn't been taken over by someone else, and that you were only trying to keep me alive. It wasn't too long after that that I had the dream about becoming a vampire."
Edward nodded.
"Where did you go, when you left?" I asked.
"Siberia first," he answered. "I went everywhere I could think to go. A few months later, I found myself in Alaska and realized that I was coming back to you. That was the first time I heard them coming and I ran. I was so stupid!" He reached up and grabbed a handful of his hair, clenching his fist.
I reached up and pried his hand out of his hair. It wasn't easy, but I felt triumphant when he finally loosened his grip and wrapped his arm around me again. I smoothed his hair down as best I could and laid my head on his chest.
"Edward," I whispered. He hummed softly. "I love you."
"I love you too," he said, bending down to kiss the top of my head.
We stayed in that position for a few more hours, talking about the situation we both wanted to forget. I told him the first time he ran from his family was when I was on my way to New York right after graduation. He looked hurt, and I wanted to skip over it all, but I knew it needed to be discussed. When I was finished explaining, he told me about his time, how frustrated he would get with his family for their persistence. He looked at me apologetically and I just smiled at him. We were going to get through this.
"I'm not sure how, but I think I hoped I would find a place where I could forget you. Or at least think about you less. I wanted you to be safe and alive. I had to stop myself from going back to Forks many times. Especially around the time of your birthday and certain days I know you like, like Christmas and Valentine's Day." He spoke softly, holding me tightly.
"I have a question," I said.
"Alright."
"Last February in Chile, when you saw me, why did you run? Why didn't you stop?" I asked.
He breathed a heavy sigh before answering. "I saw you, but I didn't believe that it was you. I was so entrenched in my belief that you wouldn't want anything to do with me or vampires after what I had done to you that I didn't even allow myself to consider any alternative. I wanted you to move on with your life and be happy. To be honest, I wasn't sure that I wasn't hallucinating."
I couldn't help but laugh a little. He explained how he had come here to New Zealand and how he had decided to do what he did in the meadow. It didn't get easier to hear the second time, but I listened anyway, knowing it was the only way we would be able to get past this as a couple. We couldn't afford any uncertainty or unanswered questions on either of our parts.
After we both talked about the last three years and asked questions directly related to the event of him leaving, we finally got to sit in peaceful silence. After a few minutes, Edward rearranged us so that we were lying next to each other. He held me tightly and smiled at me.
"I love you," he whispered.
"I love you, too," I said back.
"I've said that quite a bit, haven't I?" he said softly.
"It's okay. I won't get tired of hearing it. Besides, we've got a lot of time to make up for," I giggled. He smiled and kissed me.
The next week passed easily. Edward and I continued to talk about our relationship and build our foundation. We talked about everything. It was similar to what I could remember of our relationship after I'd first found out what he was.
The rest of the family gave us our space, but it was painfully obvious that Alice at least was beyond thrilled with our progress. I could often hear Emmett making comments about when we would get down to it. They were usually followed by the sound of Rose's hand smacking the back of his head.
Rosalie and I were on speaking terms again. We had both gotten past her stunt (I still refused to believe it was my stunt) and according to Edward she had some kind of new respect for me because of it. I doubted it, but I went along with it anyway.
When it was time for Edward to go hunting again, I decided to tag along.
"What should we hunt?" he asked.
I smiled sweetly as I said, "penguins."
Edward looked at me with a confused expression for a moment. "Penguins?" he clarified.
"Yes, penguins. I know they have them here. We'll probably have to go south, though."
He laughed at me. "Bella, trust me, you don't want penguins. They're disgusting."
"Shouldn't I have to discover that on my own?" I asked, looking up at him with an innocent expression.
"Perhaps, but this time, I'm telling you: you don't want them," he said firmly.
I sighed. "Alright," I said dejectedly. I knew I was working it, but I really wanted to know what the big deal with penguins was. "What do you suggest?"
It was a moment before he answered. "You really want to hunt penguins?" he asked.
I beamed up at him and nodded.
He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Alright. We'll go find penguins. But I'm warning you, you won't like them. After, we'll see if we can find some carnivores to get the taste out of your mouth."
I smiled triumphantly and followed him as he led the way to our prey.
I should have listened to him.
We found a colony of penguins on the South Island and Edward let me do my thing. I was a little disappointed that he didn't hunt them with me, but I knew he didn't like them, so I wasn't going to push it. I'd gotten what I wanted anyway.
I searched around until I found a few that were separate from the crowd, enough that it wouldn't be difficult to pull one of them into the trees. I grabbed the larger of the three and drug it with me the few feet to the trees. It was small and I killed it easily, then bit the neck to draw out the blood.
Blood was supposed to be blood. No matter the animal, it was supposed to taste like blood and soothe the thirst. Or so I had thought. I knew that if I had to, I could stay strong hunting penguins. But I would rather not. The taste was bland and fatty and I can't even say for sure that I drained the animal. I felt bad, knowing I had killed the animal unnecessarily. I should have listened to Edward.
He was beside me with a knowing smirk on his face. I glared at him and he just shrugged his shoulders. He was right. Of course he was not to blame. He tried to talk me out of it.
"You were right," I said softly.
"I know." He held his arms out to me and I let him embrace me. I kissed his chin and tried to glare at him, but I just couldn't.
"What makes them taste like that?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, honestly. Perhaps their diet of fish and the layers of fat they have to keep warm?"
I nodded. It sounded like a decent theory, even if it probably wasn't true.
After that, Edward led the way to find something better. We both hunted, and I found myself staring at him more than once. Unlike last time, he was able to use his brain, calculating his next move. A part of me missed the reckless way he had first hunted, but another part of me found this way to be more attractive.
He looked up from the animal he had just drained and I looked away quickly. I was happy that my blush didn't give me away. He must have noticed me staring anyway. He came over to me and kissed me. As we finished our hunt, I could tell he was showing off just a little more than usual. I laughed to myself and decided to just enjoy the show he was putting on for me.
So, what did you think? Hopefully my emotional state did not make it crappy. That would be bad. Let me know what you think. I have finally done some actual outlining on this story (thank you, www (dot) tlydf (dot) com - check it out if you haven't already. All kinds of good twilight stuff over there) and I know how this going to end. We've got four more chapters and we're done. I do have a question for you, though. Would you like to see a lemon in this story? If so, it would take place in the last chapter. I have a few ideas of what I would like to do, but I am not certain if I am going to make it citrusy or not. Let me know what you think.