Deidara didn't wake up at seven that next morning, and I didn't have any problems sleeping. I hadn't even woken up once during the night. He was the first one to wake up, we hadn't moved since last night. I could feel him play with my hair, it woke me up. I didn't want to open my eyes, too afraid it wasn't real. "I know you're awake," he whispered. I made a small m sound, just so he would know he had caught me. "I don't think this is right." I didn't want to hear this right now. "Let's just enjoy the moment, it feels right to me." I kissed him on the check. "I'm sorry I had been drinking, I stopped when I started thinking about how it would hurt you." I started circling his chest with my finger. "I felt bad because of what I had done, so I wanted it to go away, it didn't work. I don't know why I felt bad, I have never felt like that before," He stopped playing with my hair. "You know you can't have three lovers, you're playing all of us and we're all going to end up hurt. Could it be guilt you were feeling?" I dropped my hand. "I don't want them; I'm going to end it. It's you I want. I'd do anything for you." I don't know if he believed me or not.
He was able to make me sit down for breakfast, I had an egg. Hell, I even laughed, I had a good time. It didn't help on my stomach; it felt like I was dying. I had to lie down, Deidara was worried. I wanted to go and throw up, but I was going to be strong. I was going to get better. "Sure you're okay?" I asked for some painkillers. The doctor had said I could take seven every day the first two weeks. I had five more to go for that day. I must have fallen asleep. Deidara was cleaning when woke up. He looked so funny swinging that mop around. My stomach didn't hurt too bad anymore. It was almost good now. Deidara finished and sat down next to me. "If you're feeling better about eating, do you want to be hospitalized for a while? They can help you with anything you might need." I didn't answer straight away, I didn't like that idea. It was silly, I wasn't even that sick. "If not, I can do my best in helping you, but I'm no dietitian." I nodded. "I'd like that, I feel better with you around." He grabbed my hand and squeezed it before he got up again.
I had almost forgotten that Naruto was coming over that night. I told Deidara that I had to pick him up and would eat dinner with him. He didn't argue on that. He should have, I had eaten once that day and figured it was more than enough. Naruto was going to stay at a hotel since Deidara had my guestroom. Naruto hadn't changed that much since last time only that he had a wedding ring this time. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. He still had that sheepish smile and gorgeous golden hair. "Thank you so much for getting me here. You have no idea what it means to me." I think I knew how much it meant to him, I didn't say anything. We took a cab over to the hotel he would be staying at. He was tired; his flight had been over 12 hours long. I could understand him. "Are you hungry, or do you want to go straight to bed? You must be tired." He said he was tired and that we would meet tomorrow morning.
I wasn't sure what to do after that, I wanted to have a drink. I called up Jules, too ashamed to have anything to do with Nick just yet. "Yeah, sure. Just come on over, eating some pizza if you're hungry. You need to eat you know, have you eaten dinner today?" I said I had and hung up. I wondered how many pizzas he would eat in a year, if he was malnourished or something. Buying him some of those vitamin bears for kids would be hilarious!
I used the key I had been given to get in. I didn't even bother ringing the doorbell. He was expecting me you know. In the living room sat Nick pigging in on pizza with Jules. I felt extremely awkward. They both looked at me, then at each other they, both thought they were the only one I had something going on it. "We have a cheese pizza for you," I sat down in the chair. "No thank you, it's too late for eating heavy food." Nick finished chewing his pizza and asked me what I had eaten for dinner; I said chicken salad without the chicken and laughed. I was called silly and both laughed with. "So totally honest, no lies, you have eaten dinner today?" I blew up; I was so tired of being asked questions like that. "Have you had your heroin today?" A slice of pizza dropped. "Ino that was uncalled for" Nick sounded calm, but not too pleased. "It's the same thing! I'm so sick of everyone being all up in my face about the eating! I just came here so I wouldn't end doing something stupid I'll regret. Then I just get this crap!" Jules finally came back to earth again. "Ino, please don't use that against me. You don't have any idea how it feels. That it could have killed you, that I can't stop using even if I want to? You have the choice; you just keep starving yourself for vanity. You can just start eating and everybody would be so much better off." I got up. "Yeah, I get it! I'm just so shallow and keep doing this for fun. You guys would be so better off if I was dead, and that's what you keep hoping will happen because I'm such a selfish whore! Oh and I slept with both of you on the same day, fuck! I wasn't even released from the hospital before Jules wanted a try, but I'm the evil one because I only care about myself! Because my problems aren't real, it's just games I'm playing to hurt everybody around me!" I stormed off, they came after me but I made a run for it.
I didn't make it further than some shabby looking bar. I could start my first day as sober tomorrow. It wasn't like I could sink any deeper. Some guy with red hair waved at me so I went over to him. He introduced himself as Gaara. He had a doctor degree in dirt; I found that funny after a couple of drinks. He was an okay guy, he looked good. Sort of pale and the tattoo in his face I wasn't sure if I liked or not. I think his manliner was sort of thick, but cool. "No, I mean it Gaara! I believe in the Easter Bunny! You got to have some faith and fairytales in this world!" I had no idea how we had gotten to that theme. I don't remember much of that night. I remember waking up in a stranger's bed when Naruto called me. He said I could come whenever I wanted. This Gaara from yesterday asked me out for breakfast, I turned him down saying I had to work. It was uncomfortable.
I didn't want to show up in the same clothes as yesterday so I dropped by some store before I went over to Naruto's hotel room. I didn't remember his number so he had to pick me up in the lobby. The whole thing could have looked suspicious if it hadn't been so early. "Slept good?" He nodded, going on about how big his bed was. He wasn't used to this. I had to laugh, Naruto was so innocent. Might have been why he got fired, he didn't have it in him. I wondered why he ever became a journalist. I didn't want to ask him, it might insult him and I didn't want to do that. We went back up to his room. I wasn't sure what to say at first. "Congratulations on the ring." Naruto looked down on it. "It is the first thing a girl notices, isn't it?" I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. I spent a laugh on it. "What do you plan on doing after this?" I sat down on his bed, hoped he wouldn't mind. "I'm not sure, try making some money. Go back to France I figure." He sat down next to me. "Yeah, too bad you live so far away."
"What is it about me?" He wanted to know, I could understand him. "You're honest, and I do think you genially care." He didn't argue on it. "You're one of a kind yourself." I couldn't help but to agree to that. I think he was happy there was only one of me too, one is almost too much. Nick tried to call me, I ignored his call. "Something important?" I shook my head. "No, just one of the biggest scumbags on earth." I growled. "Boyfriend problems?" I told him I was single and always would be. He just laughed and said I would find somebody one day. I couldn't help but to think of Deidara, if my feelings didn't change I would be forever alone.
We did the interview, it was mentally straining and went on for hours. I didn't care anymore, I told him everything he could possible wonder. He knew more about me than any other living person when we were done. It was a scary thought. I went home to Deidara, he didn't say anything. I knew he was disappointed, I was too. "Where were you last night?" I had made myself some coffee and looked down in the cup. "I… I'm too weak, I can't do this. Believe me! I want to, and I hate myself for it." I watched the rings move in my coffee hitting the edges, I still drank it. It didn't taste like tears, it tasted like coffee always did. I had now become so empty that my tears didn't have any taste.
"Ino, we know you can do this. You just have to keep on trying, I'll be here every time you have a fall out, I'll be here if you ever need anything." He bent down in front of me and took a hold of my hands. "What if I don't want to stop, what if I give up?" His warm hands felt good against my cold ones. "I meet a friend from France today, I told him everything. I was so sure it would make me feel better. I'm not sure if it does, or it does feel so much better. It also feel like I have up a big part of myself, and I'm always so afraid of losing myself. That I'll become someone else, that I'll change too much. Maybe that's why I cling to old habits, that's why I keep destroying every good thing in my life. I downright want to be miserable, because that's who I am. I don't think I want to be that person, but I'm too afraid to be happy because I've never truly been happy in so many years."