Chapter 14: Memories
Maria bit down on her lip in quiet contemplation about what she'd just seen as Georg led her down the corridor. Sensing something was wrong he stopped and turned to her.
"You look like you're deep in thought about something," he stated matter-of-factly causing Maria to look up in surprise. She hadn't realised she'd been that obvious that she had something on her mind.
"Oh, I um…" Maria didn't know how to approach the subject of Lady Whitehead with Georg, instead she said the first thing that popped into her head. "I was just thinking about what Lady Whitehead said about dressing appropriately for dinner."
"Ah," Georg nodded knowingly. "She meant dress formally. Very formally in fact."
"Yes, I supposed as much." She looked down at her travel attire and sighed. "Well, I don't really have anything to wear, do I? Even the dresses I bought in Zurich wouldn't quite be appropriate."
Georg squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Try not to worry about it. It can't be helped." He kissed her hand lightly and they continued walking towards the suite.
"I just don't want to get on her wrong side, that's all," Maria explained as they walked.
"Understandable, my love. But I can assure you that her bark is far worse than her bite," Georg replied as they got to the door.
Maria wondered whether this was the right time to bring up her concerns about Lady Whitehead. "So…" Maria hesitated. "I-is she's always like that?"
"What? Icy, condescending, sarcastic, and generally unbearable to be around?" Maria was surprised Georg was speaking so bluntly about his mother-in-law, but she nodded sheepishly in agreement. Georg smirked at her. "I'm afraid so, darling. God knows the number of unpleasant arguments I've had with her over the years. But she does soften over time as she gets to know you, I promise." Georg opened the door to the suite. "My bet is before the week's out, she'll have fallen for your natural charm and grace like the rest of us did."
Maria looked unconvinced. "You truly believe so?"
"Absolutely. Just look how you tamed me."
"Tamed you?" Maria laughed remembering the first night she spent at the villa and the number of times she and Georg had argued. "Yes I suppose you were quite beastly the first few times we saw each other, weren't you?" She embraced her husband before giving him a long, lingering kiss. "Tamed for the better I think." Maria pointed her face upwards to look into his eyes and smiled sweetly.
Georg gave her a playful kiss on the tip of her nose before releasing Maria from his embrace and ushering her inside the suite. He closed the door to the suite behind them and let out a sigh as he looked around. Nothing had changed in the four years since he'd last been there with Agathe. They'd taken a trip to England shortly after Gretl's first birthday to introduce her to her grandparents. Agathe had spoken of making another trip back to her homeland around a month or so before she had gotten sick, but obviously after her death they had never returned. The sight of her old suite looking exactly as it had on their last visit hit Georg like a punch in the stomach. He closed his eyes for a moment trying to compose himself for Maria's sake. He didn't know how to describe the feelings he was experiencing without upsetting her. But being in Agathe's room again, the memories of his late wife were so consuming that he felt like he could hardly breathe.
But he stood back as he watched Maria walk slowly around the suite, taking everything in. Firstly the small sitting room, then into the main bedroom off to one side before going through the double French doors opening out onto the large patio that overlooked the estate.
Maria wandered back into the sitting room after her tour. "Oh Georg, this is lovely! I don't know why you were so insistent of staying somewhere else when this is where you always…" Maria stopped mid-sentence upon seeing how uncomfortable Georg was looking. Suddenly everything fell into place and she put one hand over here eyes and groaned. "Oh I see," she said softly as she dropped her hand back down. "This was her room, wasn't it?" Georg nodded faintly.
Maria inhaled deeply then walked over to Georg and took his hands in her own. "I-I'm sorry," she told him. "I didn't realise." He closed his eyes and nodded in acknowledgment. Maria started to speak again, to offer words of comfort and understanding but was interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. Georg groaned, dropped Maria's hands and went and opened the door. It was one of the housemaids.
"Captain, Lady Whitehead asked me to bring these up to you and your wife." The maid handed Georg two hangers, one with a dinner suit and the other with an elegant formal gown. Georg muttered a word of thanks before the maid curtsied then took her leave.
He glanced at the sophisticated garments before saying sarcastically. "Well I suppose that sorts out the problem of what to wear to dinner tonight." There was an awkward silence as Maria didn't quite know what to say to Georg, whether she should try and continue their conversation from before they were interrupted. But one look at the expression on Georg's face told her that perhaps it was best to not say anything more.
Instead Maria took the dress out of his hands. She held it up against her body and went and stood in front of the large mirror in the corner or the room. "Oh Georg this is lovely!" she exclaimed gazing down at the elegant dress of deep crimson. It had long sleaves of delicate chiffon with detailed and intricate beading and embroidery all over the bodice and flowing skirt. A stylish sash ran from one shoulder, down to the waistband then dropped gracefully to the floor, following the skirt line. Apart from her wedding dress, it was the most magnificent gown Maria had ever seen.
Maria turned back to Georg to ask him what he thought but she was surprised to see a look of great pain on his face. "What is it?" she asked him. "Don't you like the dress?"
Georg sighed deeply. "No, I like the dress very much." He reassured her quickly before pausing for a moment. "I always did, you know," he added.
"Did?" Maria questioned with a frown as she looked from her husband then down to the dress she was holding. "Oh… no, don't tell me… Was it? I mean…" she stumbled over her words.
"Yes, it was Agathe's dress," Georg told her. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to block out all the emotions he felt at seeing that dress again. He could almost see the expression on Agathe's face the first time she tried the dress on; how she whirled and twirled around, enjoying the sensation of the skirt billowing up around her; the many kisses she'd given him in gratitude of buying the gown for her. Recalling the memories hurt and for the first time a long time he missed Agathe dreadfully.
But opening his eyes, he saw the crestfallen and confused look on Maria's face and he knew he owed her an explanation. He held out his hand to Maria and gestured for her to come and sit by him on the sofa. Maria put the dress down on the nearby table before going to join her husband.
"I bought it for her last time we were here," he explained. "When she saw it at the store, she loved it right away." Georg smiled at the memory. "But she thought it was far too grand a dress to wear back at the villa so Agathe decided to leave it here for next time we visited her parents but…"
"You never did?" Maria finished for him. He nodded. She glanced over at the dress. "But why do you think Lady Whitehead sent it up for me to wear? Wouldn't she have thought it was inappropriate…?"
Georg shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe she didn't remember it was Agathe's dress and just sent up the first gown she found? Maybe it was a mistake? I'm sure she meant no malice by it."
Maria wasn't so sure she agreed with him. The uneasy feeling in her stomach returned and Maria remembered the look of hatred from Lady Whitehead's only minutes before. She didn't know what to believe except the thought of wearing Georg's late wife's dress made her feel terribly awkward. "Well I can't wear it." Maria stated firmly.
Georg looked up, surprised. "Why not?"
"W-well…" Maria spluttered. "Well… because it was… your wife's dress…"
"Maria," Georg looked her straight in the eye. "You are my wife."
Maria huffed in irritation. "Grr… You know what I meant." Georg nodded. He understood Maria's reluctance to wear the dress, and really the thought of seeing it on her made him feel very uncomfortable too. But, he tried to rationalise to himself, there was nothing else for her to wear and they needed to dress for dinner quickly. "No, wear it. It'll be alright, honestly." Georg picked up one of her hands and brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them. "Tomorrow I'll take you into town and we can buy you as many new dresses as you need while we're here."
"But are you sure? I don't want to upset you…"
"You won't be." Georg grimaced inside, knowing that he wasn't telling her the truth. But he knew that if he told her how he was really feeling, it would hurt her. Whatever emotions were churning inside him, Georg knew he had to keep them hidden away from Maria. None of this was her fault and he didn't want her to feel more upset than he knew she was already feeling.
"Alright," Maria reluctantly agreed. She stood up and picked up the dress again, gazing at it. She chewed on her thumbnail absently as she thought. "Georg, do you suppose I'd have time to do some alterations?"
"Alterations?"
"Well just looking at the dress, it would be quite simple to change the sleeves and the sash on the dress and so make it look quite different altogether. What do you think?"
Georg frowned then glanced down at his watch. "There isn't much time since the bell for dinner has already rung."
"All I need is ten minutes," Maria told him confidently.
"Ten minutes? Is that all?" Georg was surprised.
Maria laughed. "Darling, I am quite good at sewing. How on earth do you think I made seven lots of play clothes, plus a dress for myself in only one night?"
"One night huh?" He scoffed playfully before he threw his hands up in defeat. "Alright. I need to shave anyway. See what you can do in that time."
Georg headed off to the bathroom and Maria retrieved the small sewing kit she'd purchased in Zurich to mend some of the children's clothes and she got to work on the gown. By the time Georg emerged from the bathroom, showered, shaved and dressed in his dinner suit, Maria had just finished the final alterations on the dress. The sleeves were now short, bunched up in small puffs at the shoulders, and she'd moved the stylish sash from the waistband to scoop the neckline. At first glance, the dress now looked entirely different from what it had before, while still retaining the element of elegance and glamour that it had before.
Georg was impressed. Maria quickly put it on and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Georg stood behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist and gave her a kiss on the side of her neck. "You look beautiful, my love." Maria thanked him before they left the suite together to go downstairs for dinner.
When they entered the dining room, Maria was surprised that the children were nowhere in sight. Georg quickly explained that the children would be eating by themselves while the adults all dined together. It seemed strange that after almost two weeks barely out of each other's sight that now they would be dining without the children. They waited only moments before Lord and Lady Whitehead arrived. At once Lady Whitehead looked aghast at Maria. Her eyes scanned her up and down instantly noticing the changes in Maria's formal gown.
Lady Whitehead spoke to Maria in German. "My dear, that dress… it looks, so… different," she sneered.
Georg stepped in to rescue Maria who had opened her mouth to reply but no words had come out. "Just a few minor alterations, Elizabeth, to make the dress ah… more Maria's style." Georg's tone was polite, yet so firm that Lady Whitehead didn't give a retort straight away. Instead she just glared and continued to scrutinize Maria's attire.
"And where are you gloves, my dear?" Lady Whitehead exclaimed, appalled at the sight of Maria's bare arms.
"Gloves?" Maria repeated.
"Maria," Lady Whitehead dramatically sighed then rolled her eyes as she began to explain, "it is not socially acceptable to appear at a formal dinner like this without gloves."
"Oh, forgive me Lady Whitehead, but there weren't any gloves to wear," Maria replied in defence.
"No gloves? I'm sure I asked the maid to send some up with the dress." Lady Whitehead was quite adamant that she'd sent gloves up to Maria, but Maria knew there hadn't been any sent with the dress. "Well, I suppose there is nothing we can do about it now." Lady Whitehead approached her and spoke so softly that only Maria could hear, her tone slightly vicious. "Next time, Maria, make sure you are properly attired for dinner. I wouldn't want your lack of etiquette influencing my granddaughters."
Maria could feel her cheeks flush with embarrassment as Lloyd entered and announced the arrival of the other guests. Maria looked to Georg confused as she hadn't realised anyone else was coming to dinner. He shrugged in reply, having not known either. An elderly coupled were escorted into the room and the man immediately went over to Georg.
"Georg, it is good to see you." The man shook Georg's hand enthusiastically.
"Lord Addington, indeed, a pleasure. Lady Addington." Georg nodded at the older lady and kissed her hand. But before Georg could do or say anything else, an attractive lady, slightly younger than Georg but older than Maria swept into the room dramatically and at once embraced Georg and planted a big wet kiss on his cheek. "Georg, darling, it has been so long since I've seen you."
Georg quickly disentangled himself from her tight embrace. "Lady Camilla," he coughed gently before extending his hand. "This is more appropriate, I believe." She accepted his hand and he raised her hand to his lips.
"My, you do look well." Camilla laughed as she pulled a handkerchief out of her purse and wiped the smudge of lipstick off his face with it. "And as handsome as ever!" she added with a smirk, batting her eyelids at him.
Georg shuffled on his feet, looking as uncomfortable as he felt. Camilla was the same as she had always been – a tremendous flirt who never gave up trying to win his affections. Georg almost deliberately didn't look in Maria's direction. He knew she'd seen the entire scene with Camilla and knew exactly what it looked like, but he wouldn't be able to explain it properly to her until later.
"It's been a long time Georg, about four years I believe," Lord Addington said. "Yes, not since the last time I was here with Agathe." Georg agreed.
"Georg, I am so sorry about your late wife," Lady Addington told Georg. "I know we wrote at the time sending our condolences but it isn't the same as saying them in person. I had known Lady Agathe since she was a child. I was always incredibly fond of her and I was devastated to hear of her death."
"Yes, thank you Lady Addington. She was always fond of you too. It was a difficult time for a while," Georg acknowledged before turning around to step closer to Maria and take her arm, "but I have been fortunate enough to find love again. May I present my wife, Maria?"
Unlike earlier that evening when Maria had received an icy reception from Lord and Lady Whitehead, both Lord and Lady Addington were delighted to make Maria's acquaintance. Even Camilla was pleasant and friendly towards Maria before boldly asking her how she managed to capture Georg's heart. After Georg had translated Camilla's question for Maria since she'd used English phrases Maria wasn't quite familiar with, Maria laughed and told Camilla that it was probably the fact that she argued constantly with him that caused Georg to fall in love with her. Georg explained to Maria that Lord and Lady Addington, with their daughter Camilla, lived on the adjoining estate and were long-term family friends of the Whiteheads.
Moments later, everyone, including Lord and Lady Whitehead were seated for dinner. To Maria's disappointment, Georg was seated down the other end of the table from her with Camilla placed beside him. Maria sat next to Lord Addington with Lady Whitehead opposite. As she looked down at the table in front of her, she was bewildered to see an array of different cutlery before her and she had no idea which fork or spoon to use first. Luckily when each course was served, Georg glanced in her direction and silently indicated the appropriate cutlery for her to use. The next surprise she got was to find footmen appearing beside her and presenting her with numerous platters of food from which she had to serve herself. She fumbled the first lot of serving tongs and somehow managed to catapult a roasted potato across the room much to her embarrassment and everyone's amusement. The only person who seemed less than impressed by her performance was Lady Whitehead. She tutted under her breath and shook her head in disapproval.
Down at her end of the table, Maria felt quite isolated. Despite Lady Whitehead's offer to speak German with her, everyone around her was speaking English. Although Maria was picking up a few words and phrases here and there, she was completely lost in the conversation. And seated across from her, Lady Whitehead sent icy looks in Maria's direction every now and then without anybody else seeing. Maria didn't know why the woman disliked her so much, apart from the obvious – that she'd married Georg and was now stepmother to her grandchildren, and every detestable glare from her made Maria feel more apprehensive and uneasy.
And it seemed every time Maria looked over in Georg's direction during dinner, Camilla was trying to engage Georg in conversation, or leaning over him, or touching his arm. Maria was surprised that the lady was so openly throwing herself at a married man. Georg appeared quite uncomfortable at the unwanted attention and spent the majority of the dinner trying to ignore Camilla and engaged himself in conversation with Lord Whitehead instead.
Finally dinner was over and Lady Whitehead indicated it was time to move through to the library for drinks. Maria was surprised that the women went first while the gentlemen were to join them sometime later after cigars and port. Maria sat silently while the other three women talked, not being confident to join in on the conversation herself. So when Georg finally arrived at the library, Maria stayed by his side the entire time, which made her feel more relaxed after the awkward dinner and had the added bonus of keeping Camilla away from him. Maria hoped drinks wouldn't go on for very long but the evening seemed to drag on and on and she was tired. She could hardly wait until the night concluded so she could retire upstairs with Georg. Finally Lord and Lady Addington announced that they were going to leave, which allowed Georg and Maria to say their goodnights and head back upstairs.
Firstly Maria and Georg went to the nursery and kissed the children goodnight before returning to their suite. As they walked down the darkened corridors, Georg exhaled and ran his hand through his hair. "That didn't go too badly did it?"
"I suppose not," Maria shrugged, "well not for you anyway."
"What do you mean?" Georg asked as they entered their suite and closed the door.
All of a sudden Maria felts like she wanted to vent all her frustrations about the evening to Georg. She began to pace the room. "Well, you weren't the one who scandalously forgot to wear gloves…"
"Easy mistake, and beside there weren't any to wear, remember," Georg interjected.
"…then sent potatoes flying through the dining room…"
He chuckled. "Well that was quite amusing."
"… or felt entirely isolated all night since I still can't speak English that well…"
Georg interrupted again. "Give it time Maria, you're learning very fast you know."
"…but most of all, Georg," Maria spun around to face him, her initial frustrations quickly turning into anger, "it was awful having to watch another woman fling herself at my husband all night long."
Georg grimaced knowing that Maria was right. He had yet to explain to her about Camilla. "Ah… Camilla." He nodded. "Yes, she is the most incredible flirt isn't she? Always has been and I suspect always will be." He sighed in defeat. "Listen Maria. I've known Camilla for the better part of twenty years. She grew up like a sister to Agathe and has never been that lucky in love. One betrothed was killed after being thrown from his horse and the other jilted her at the altar. She was always quite jealous of Agathe marrying me, and I'm afraid she's always, ah… paid me special attention so to speak."
Maria was confused. "But Georg surely… I mean you're a married man. Can't you tell her to stop?"
Georg shrugged. "Early on I did, but it didn't make the slightest bit of difference. Actually no-it made the flirting worse but I eventually discovered the easiest thing to do was to simply ignore her."
"Ignore her?" Maria was sceptical.
Georg wrapped his arms around Maria's waist. "Hmm mmm. Very easy to ignore her." He gave Maria a quick peck on her lips. "I can assure you darling, I never have, nor ever will, look at her that way."
Maria shook her head slowly, trying to process what Georg had just told her. "Even still, Georg. I don't like it at all."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes of course."
"Well trust me that I only have eyes for one woman, and that's you – my wife." He leant down and gave her a long and lingering kiss, full of passion and desire that reassured Maria that she had nothing to worry about. Wrapping her arms around his neck, all Maria could think of as she kissed Georg back was how much she wanted to make love to him.
"Georg," Maria murmured in between kisses, "it's been so many days since we've been together… I need you."
Georg moaned against her mouth, kissing her back enthusiastically as he laced his fingers through her short, golden hair. They stood kissing and caressing each other before Maria pulled away. "Can you give me a moment to freshen up?" she asked. Georg nodded and watched her disappear into the bathroom.
Georg wandered into the bedroom to get undressed but stopped abruptly the moment he saw the large four-poster bed in the center of the room. All at once flashes of memories flooded his mind of the numerous times he'd made love to Agathe in that bed – her bed! Suddenly the notion of making love to Maria in that same bed seemed all wrong. Never once since he'd married Maria had he thought of Agathe that way, or felt guilty about moving on with another relationship. But now, being back in her room, seeing her bed, he felt confused, disloyal, adulterous.
Georg put his hand over his eyes and shook his head. He knew all these feelings he was having were ridiculous. Maria was his wife now and there was nothing wrong with making love to her at all. But still, he just couldn't shake the thoughts going round and round his head. Perhaps he just needed time, Georg tried to rationalise to himself. He hadn't predicted just how much being back in England, or at the Whitehead's for that matter, was affecting him. There were so many memories of Agathe that were torturing his soul. But Georg hoped in a day or so, the initial flood of memories would fade and he could settle down his emotions and move on. But until that time, what was he going to say to Maria? He knew she wanted, and expected to make love to him that night but he just couldn't do it. How could he explain it to her without hurting and upsetting her greatly?
Just as he was trying to think of something to say to her, the bathroom door opened and Maria returned. She looked distressed. Georg immediately went over to her. "Maria? Is everything all right? You look upset."
She closed her eyes and nodded faintly. "It's nothing really. No, that's not quite true." She looked up into his eyes. "I-I'm sorry, Georg. I've just discovered I've gotten my monthly cycle. I'm afraid we won't be able to…"
At once Georg took her in his arms and held her. "Darling, it's alright. Were you worried I'd be disappointed?" She nodded. "Don't be. I understand about these things. Remember on our honeymoon?" Maria nodded and smiled to herself remembering how Georg had organised a hot water bottle from the hotel to alleviate her cramps and ordered her to stay in bed all day while he waited on her hand and foot.
"I know," she replied and gave him a kiss in gratitude. "But it isn't just about not being able to make love tonight," she confessed. Georg looked at her in question before she continued. "It's silly with everything going on with our hurried escape from Austria to Switzerland and now to here, but I suppose I've been hoping that perhaps…" her voice trailed off. It only took a second for Georg to work out what she meant.
"You were hoping you were pregnant?" he asked gently. Maria nodded. Georg took her in his arms again. "I do understand, my love."
"I'm sorry," Maria apologised as she wiped a tear from her eyes.
"Don't be sorry. I'd hoped, and I still hope that we will have a child of our own. But Maria, these things can, and do, take time. We've barely been married two months."
"I know. I do, really," she sighed. "I guess I can be a bit impatient at times," she grinned cheekily.
"Only a bit?" he laughed. Georg gave her another kiss and rubbed her back tenderly just as Maria yawned. Knowing what a long and busy day they'd had, Georg suggested they get ready for bed.
As they got into bed, Maria asked Georg sleepily. "Do you suppose now we're here you might be able to get a message to the Reverend Mother to let her know we're alright? I'm sure she's been worried sick about us."
Georg nodded. "I will, but I might try to contact Max first as the Nazi's may be monitoring all communication going in and out of the Abbey."
Maria thanked him and gave him a kiss goodnight before falling asleep almost instantly. As Georg curled his body around Maria's soft form, Georg couldn't help but feel relieved about how the night ended. He was relieved that he didn't have to confess to Maria about how uncomfortable he was about making love to her in Agathe's old bed. Georg knew by the time Maria was able to be his again, he needed to have overcome all the fears and sentiments he was experiencing.
There was only one thing to do. He'd done it once before and it was time to do it again: He needed to build up walls around himself at all cost, shutting out all the feelings and protecting himself against the memories of his late wife.
And he desperately hoped he wouldn't hurt Maria in the process.
A/N: There are times of trouble ahead for our couple, but I really hope you stick with me for this story. I love reviews so much! Please review and tell me what you think! Thanks.