Vis Ze Truth

AN: Meh , I've returned 'Whoop-de-doop'! I'd offer to write more often , but you don't seem to care. Thanks to you loyals out there , may Merlin grant riches to you three. Here's the chap.

"I'll resort to taping her mouth shut"

She shook her head disgustedly "That's too….nice" she spat "How 'bout we cut it off , darling?"

" Too bloody"

"The twat deserves it!"

"Lily!"

She didn't look as abashed as Danny felt she should "Sorry" she muttered.

"Why do you even dislike—"

"Abhor, or loathe in the purest form. Dislike is too….pretty"

"Fine. Why do you abhor the illiterate with such…passion?" she said interestedly "I mean, I know why I hate her, she's flashed Sirius more times than cut her food with her ice-pick"

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's no bollocks rumor. She did it while I was with him." Her voice rose dangerously.

"Shhh! Madam Pince will hear you!"

"Meh. Why are we even here?"

"I need to find something." She said dismissively as her fingers skimmed dozens and dozens of undecipherable leather tittles.

"Ho! I've found it , Danny!"

"You spend too much time in Potions" she commented before looking at the book.

An old and tattered copy of Extensively Advanced Spells You Shouldn't Try Unless Feeling Vengeful and Murderous (None of the Spells are Actually Deadly , to Find Deadly Vengeful Spells Please Consult, So You Want to Cause Deadly Bodily Harm) she also read under it a note which was in slightly smaller print , though coppery and scandalous. It read: WAU (Wizarding Awards United) formally congratulates Squiddy Dorkylad for his success in creating the longest book title in Wizard history. Congratulations Squiddy! WAU!

Lily grinned and Danny raised a brow "Darling , will you now explain to me why you dragged me out of bed at two in the bloody morning to read a book by a bloke name Squiddy Dorkylad?"

Lily looked fazed and blushed slightly "Well, I couldn't sleep—"

"I know that!" Danny's bloodshot eyes widened angrily.

"Let me finish!" Lily snapped "I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened to me in the Hospital Wing. The wall bollocks." She explained.

"Oh you mean the 'walls speak, oh smite me Merlin for I have completely lost my mind' incident?"

"Yes." She said tersely "The strange thing about that incident is that I have never been …uh…afraid of the color beige or talking walls"

"So you got hysterical , what's so strange about that? You've been hysterical before,"

"Yes, but I wasn't around Potter at the time."

"Ah." She smirked "So what's that got to do with good ol' Squiddy?"

"He's going to prove my theory. Aye Squiddy?"

"Aye—wheeze—Little—wheeze—Miss" the book panted loudly.

"What theory?"

"That some desperate bastard longing to do me harm just to hear me squeal in my heavenly voice—"

"You've been sniffing Potter's fumes again, I take it?—"

"Hexed me with one of ol'Squiddy's curses"

"Which—one—doll?" he smiled widely , showing them three rows of three rotting teeth that threatened to fling out of his mouth if he wheezed again.

"The Hysterical Paranoia one" she replied , her eyes fogging in old anger.

"A—wheeze—ye" well, they threatened.

"Oh dear, Mr. Dorkylad, it seems the last of your teeth have flown from your mouth" Danny commented slyly.

"Yes—doll—they—have" he chuckled, his lips concaving into his mouth as he wheezed and coughed from lack of air.

He snapped open "Is—cough—this—one—wheeze—it—doll?" cough .cough .cough .

"Yes it 'tis Mr. Dorkylad" Lily replied happily

"Mr. Dorkylad?" she turned the book over slightly, there , a relatively old man , his head hanging to the side, his tongue lolling passively out of his toothless mouth.

"He's dead?" Danny asked , pushing herself upward from the seat she had collapsed on ,then poked the cover " 'think he chocked on one of his teeth?"

"Nah. See that? He's breathing. He's just passed out" Lily said , flipping back to the correct page.

"Here look, 'The Hysterical Paranoia Hex can affect your enemy for a considerable amount of time , depending on the quantity of loathing for the said person. The longest time it has been recorded to last was five decades , when the hex was placed on the second Minister of Magic , Robine Knoobyhood , and caused him to be erratically afraid of Non-Magical Folk. He then proceeded to cause a massacre of sorts he then dubbed 'The Spanish Inquisition' and create a barrier between the wizard world and non-magic world. Take care when using this hex , for it does have it's side effects , not to you of course , but the hexed. After some hours of hexing , the recipient will have varying levels of hysteria for no apparent reason and be accident-prone, also, he/she might hear her/his fear repeated in common conversation' Bastard! Buggered Butt-Screwed Beetle Brain!"

"Nice…."

"Shut Up, Danny!"

"Ooooo! Ooooh! I'm feeling murderous! James is such a prat!"

Danny thrust a romance novel at her "Here! I read that one , it was pure shite! Nigel leaves Rosetta pregnant in the ending! Murder it, not me!"

She took out her wand and started hexing and cursing the little book with the half-naked witch on the cover. "Ha! Take that! And that you flexible, lithe and voluptuous female! I'll rip that golden hair right of your genita—"

"WHAT IS THAT TWITTERING?"

"Run Danny!"

"You two again?" Madam Pince hissed "I thought I made it very clear the first time—"

She gasped scarily "Is that Outback Love?" she pointed at the mutilated cover and squealing pages at Lily's feet.

"Um—uh--….no?" Lily whined.

"It isn't Madam Pince" Danny piped up , her voice an unusual pitch "It's, uh …my homework"

"It is NOT! You—you FIENDS! I can see Rosetta weeping on the cover! What have you done to her hair?" she kneeled and begun to gather the nearly illiterate smithereens "It's alright , it's alright Rosetta." She cooed "he returns to you in the sequel . Don't worry. You also become immensely wealthy and carry another man's child"

Rosetta did look happier about the whole situation , though Lily looked to be reduced to tears. The Librarian hated her guts , now how was she supposed to plan vengeance in the most avoided place in Hogwarts history?

'Lily' Danny mouthed 'Jump over the psychotic librarian and follow me' Lily looked at her uncomprehending, and Danny sighed. She'd have to create a diversion.

"Oh No , Madam Pince! The pornographic section is burning!"

"Nooooooo! Stella , control your masochistic love!"

And she bolted to the section closest to her office, screaming profanities and regretful losses.

"Come on, Lilers!"

"Goodbye useful literature" she replied , blowing a kiss to the molding sections.

OoO

"In Finality professor, the golde—"

"GOAT!"

"No Ellda, please let Lily finish her report"

Ellda nodded , smiling widely at Lily from James's side "Ze Goat like Ellda"

The class laughed appreciatively and Ellda glared at them.

"Settle down , settle down" Professor Grubbly-Plank said clearly , gesturing for Lily to begin again.

"Thank you professor" she said , her eyes bulging with anger. She cleared her throat, "In finality , the golden," she paused and smiled gratefully when she saw Remus had placed his hand tightly over Ellda's mouth as she squirmed , despite James's glaring "Niffler is not attracted by shiny objects because it is in itself a shiny mammal, so it is attracted to dull and listless objects. That is why it bit Mr. Potter on his ar—ah….bum" she smiled politely at the scattered applause, most enthusiastic from the back corner where she'd left Danny and Sirius.

"That Slavic barbarian has no shame whatsoever" she said acidly as she took her seat beside the couple , next to a tidy bookshelf.

"I think that's a bit of an overreac—"

"I couldn't agree more" Danny replied in clipped tones , her gaze impaled onto the said person , whom was smiling happily while facing them , lifting her shirt ."She did it again!" she hissed , raising from her seat slightly , her fists clenched.

Ellda waved cheerily, lifting her shirt once more for good measure.

"Next up is Miss Vector , Ellda dear—uh…." Her eyes widened " Release your shirt girl! Let it go! Oh for Merlin's sake!" she walked over to her desk , grabbing the girl's wrists and prying them from her shirt , lowering them quickly. Ellda looked quite scandalized, and made violent thrusting motions with her ice-pick. She sent one last smile at Sirius's table , where Danny looked terribly frightened and Sirius a bit put off ( he was muttering "I'll find a way to get her to let go of that thing….wouldn't do….ice pick in bed….who ever heard of such a thing?"), then turned and faced the professor.

"Da?" she grinned

"Your turn" Grubbly-Plank muttered darkly.

She looked confused, but James pointed at the stand in the front of the clearing and at the essay enclosed in her grasp and she smiled in gratitude.

"Da!" she really needed to expand her vocabulary. It wasn't as if she'd been illiterate back in her off the chart town in east wizard Germany, she'd learned her alphabet.

Not that she made much use of it, but….

She strutted up to the makeshift podium , looking determined, several heads lowered significantly and leaned over the side of the desks , following the determined stride with a somewhat longing look to their faces.

"Oh , honestly!" Lily huffed, "It's not as if her arse will suddenly sprout heavenly aromas, people! It's just as putrid as the rest of ours!"

"Oh shut up, you" a near Ravenclaw hissed in reply " That's foreign arse, that is. Different taste" she finished knowingly , leaning closer to the ground and falling ungracefully.

Lily snickered meanly , putting her head down onto her folded arms. She hadn't realized she'd dozed off until Danny shoved her heavily, causing her to fall cleanly to the floor with a loud yelp.

"Miss Evans , are you quite alright—"

"Bugger! I think my arse has been more buggered with than a gobl—" she began loudly before

"GOAT!"

"Oh bloody liquid shite" she rubbed her temples vigorously.

"Miss Evans!" gasped the professor , placing a delicate hand on her mouth "I do not tolerate such language during a lesson, consider this your last warning. And Head Girl!" she shook a menacing finger at her.

"Continue with your report, Miss Vector" she said kindly .

Ellda nodded curtly "Goats like ze Ellda. Da, Ellda like ze goats. Goats like ze goats , da , vis ze goat naaaturre. My name vis Elld—OWWW!"

A heavy-seeming book landed with a loud thump by Ellda's feet as she massaged her left eye, a maniacal laughter rising from the back corner perturbing the immense and awkward silence that followed closely after the incident.

Ellda's eyes started to tear.

"Who threw that?" Professor Grubbly-Plank's mouth was twitching strangely , as if suppressing and intense howl of laughter "Show yourself!"

Lily began to whistle quietly , motioning Danny to follow , as well as Sirius whom was glaring at her .

"Ooooo!" Ellda jumped up and down excitedly , causing a dangerous amount of gazes to collide with her upper torso , whom was bouncing elastically, as if glad to meet their open gapes and acquaintance "Ze Goats!"

"Miss Vector, I do believe that is enough! This situation has nothing to with--"

"No Professor," James began , raising his hand slightly to point at the heavy book clutched in the baritone goddess's grip "Look at the title 'The Ultimate Wizard's Guide to Goat Breeding'"

"Oh" she peered at it "Oh! This is grand! Now she can write a tolerable report about magical goat breeding!"

Ellda beamed , James glared at the back corner, Sirius sprouted tears of agony at seeing Ellda's damaged eye, Danny clapped Lily's back in a congratulatory way while she put her head in her hand s muttering ,"Why couldn't she have just gotten blinded by 'A Creative Use for Hippogriff Manure' ?".

OoO

The week was a bit harsh on the newly established trio. Sirius being the unwilling member , but Danny wasn't taking any chances. She figured that if she let go of Sirius at any time , he would simply drift back to the voluptuous Slavic monster without even pondering on it. Lily secretly believed there were other reasons for Sirius's appearance by their side , that being Danny's newfound enjoyment in flashing him randomly during classes.

It had been harsh because of Ellda's increasing amicable feeling towards Lily , despite the hissing and spitting , cursing and ranting , pelting and farting, she stuck to Lily's side like a century's worth of thoroughly chewed gum. It was believed by the general public that this was because Ellda was a 'nice' and 'loving' kind of bloke—female, whom found happiness in caring for the mentally ill. Like every other gossip however, it was far from true, Ellda (in her deep and dreadfully deranged mind) believed Lily to be a nice and repetitive person , constantly saying 'goat' to make her feel welcome and secure. She had no idea why the head girl narrowed her eyes or spit in her direction, but she figured it was English manners, one could never know , this being such a feeble and vague term.

Lily however,was plagued byincreasing feelings of utter revulsion and loathing, and had tried several times to express her feelings with rather harsh actions. After the fiasco in the Care of Magical Creatures lesson, Lily had resolved to humiliate Ellda to the point of frantic screeching. Her plan didn't completely function though, for every gag that Lily pulled on Ellda seemed to come of to the Slavic's advantage.

For example, as Ellda had been making her usual showy and overdramatic Baywatch dash towards James after lessons, Lily had just happened to be strolling by with a murderous Danny,and she just happened to have the impulsive need to stick out her foot for future tying laces purposes , when 'Whoops!' Ellda tripped on it. The ironic part is that when she tripped, she landed straight into James's outstretched arms with a broken ankle and the cutest pained face on this hemisphere. James of course helped the situation by gazing deeply into Ellda's eyes, turning his face so that he faced Lily and smirked superiorly , then proceeded to eat Ellda's face in a romantic public show of affection.

"I have devised a plan of immense proportions" she smirked "Or should I say , prank?"

"No"

"Yes Danny, it was revealed to me in a dream ,by a heavenly—"

"Blah Blah Blah , bollocks , bollocks , bollocks. That's all I'm hearing, you need to understand Lilers that I really don't care what kind of perversions you dream about , just what they result in"

"Thanks."

"No problem, doll. Now, you were saying?"

"Ahh yes , my plan (ahem, prank) consists of several pulleys , nifflers , I managed to steal some boggarts,a friendly grindylow and finally , a gigantic bucket of water."

"What's the bucket for?"

"It is the 'piece de resistance', darling"

"Umm…..Meaning what, exactly?"

"That it is the crucial ingredient, what the whole prank is based around. Simple, yet elegant , nearly a piece of genius" she was rubbing her palms together in front of hooded face (she'd insisted on wearing disguises, she wearing a cloak , Danny wearing a kilt(bagpipes and all))

Danny huffed impatiently, tapping her foot "Yes, but what does it do?"

Danny could feel her smile "Essentially, it gets her wet"

"So….just wet? No wound, bleeding or mass waxing?"

"No"

"You made me wear Sirius's kilt just to see Goat Prat get WET?"

"Nonononono , not just wet" Danny sighed "her hair will be frizzy for ages"

"Lily! ARGGG! I'M WEARING A KILT BORROWED FROM SIRIUS NO LESS—Oi! Don't walk away from me! I'm ranting! You are obligated to listen! OBLIGAT—"

"Where is Sirius, Danny? I could've used his help"

Danny looked horrified "Oh Merlin! I've let him escape! This is horrid!"

"Shush! I think she's coming." She glanced down the corridor , "Yes, doll. Go down the stairs….that's a good girl…."

They heard it all , when the stair step activated several pulleys, lowering a closet full of boggarts onto a platform atop the bottom step, the closet door opening , the niffler's (whom had been stationed onto the platform previously) terrified shriek, their pushing the gigantic bucket of water with the one lonesome grindylow and finally , a manly scream.

"Congratulations Lilers," Danny hugged her hastily "But I have to go find Sirius, I can't let him roam around, thinking he has freedom. That would give him too many ideas."

Lily nodded absentmindedly, then turned the corner and walked down the corridor, advancing to the bottom of the steps with a cheery grin.

It didn't stay there long though, for when Lily reached the soaked step with the triumphant smirk it was wiped off by the sight of Sirius Black weeping and fruitlessly trying to pry the bawling grindylow from his hair.

"It's you!" he yelled maniacally "I knew you sought revenge!"

"Look Sirius, I'm sorr—"

"How could you sink so low as to ruin my hair!" he sobbed "My most valued and prized possession!"

"Oi! I could've done something to Danny!"

"Then why didn't you?" he blew his nose "Get this thing off meeeeeeeeeee!"

"No!"

"So this is your vicious vengeance? You heartless hag!" he shrieked

"What the bloody bollocks are you on about?" she snapped , vanishing the grindylow with a wave of her wand "What vengeance? I was trying to get Ellda."

But he wasn't listening, he frantically trying to flatten his usually silken hair, "What did you do to it?" he squeaked, wildly pressing upon his head "It's…POOFY!"

"Relax you ninny, it's just frizzy." She said nonchalantly.

"All I did was give you a bleeding beige tint, Lily! And perhaps charm the walls so that they could socialize.There was no need to do thi—"

"What?" she hissed dangerously , pulling down her hood.

Sirius's yes widened , and he dropped his hands "No-no-no-nothing" he stammered

"No! Not 'Nothing'! It's something! Something you will be pealed for! Like a bleeding orange Sirius!"

"NOOooooo! Think of my kids!"

"You have no children!"

"My future children, then!" he held his hands out in a pleading gesture, his hair forgotten and his knees impaled onto the floor.

"I need not worry about that if I remove the equipment!" she cackled loudly.

"Lily! Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Let me keep my genitals , at least for another week" he begged.

"Tell me why"

"Why I should keep my reproductive glands?"

"No!" she snapped "Why you turned me beige then put James's name on it"

"Oi! I can't take credit for that , it was allWormy's idea, down to the talking walls. I'm quite proud.He even came up with an anagram for Prongsie's initials 'Just Pranking', nifty eh? "

"Why would he—"

"Dunno. 'Seemed quite obsessive 'bout it, though. I just though it'd be funny." He examined his nails , biting upon a corner and speaking "What with me having an irrational fear of the color, I thought I needed some company in the sentiment,"

"But why did Peter do that?" she asked

Sirius shrugged and stood slowly , as if really chewing on the answer , "He hates you , doll.I dunno why. You should have a chat with 'im"

"That's rubbish, no one hates me!"

Sirius blinked , once , twice then said , "Here's some advice, don't hang about Prongs so much , I think his ego-itis is contagious" he smirked and strode off gallantly.

She glared at his back , watching him put his hands in his back pockets and start whistling with a kind of festering air.

Her anger bubbled and she cried "Oi, Sirius!"

"Yeah!"

"Your hair's smoking" she quickly pocketed her wand as Sirius hyperventilated, smiling evilly.

She put her hands in her back pockets, whistling a cheery tune and walked at a leisurely pace back up the stairs , where she was sure to meet the Slavic stalker eventually.

AN: Was it obvious? Yeah, but that was the point. These are the last chappies just so ya know , and yeah , I've learned to live without nutrition, though I do enjoy the taste ever so often. Would you spare an aging fanatic some reviews? Must I beg?

PLEASE! PLEASE!

-sob-sob-