I killed someone…

The words echo around the silent room, then the first crash of thunder splits the air. Cas is silent, motionless, staring at him with a sickened expression and a cold chill sweeps through Dean. His voice is tight with anguish when he speaks.

"Are you fucking happy now? Is that what you wanted to know? I took a child's future, her life." He swipes at his hot face and stumbles back, away, blinded by tears. "She's dead, and her family is torn apart, and it's all because of me." He's struggling to breathe now, chest tight as though someone is wrapping a belt around it and pulling. "I can't… I can't do this any more…"

He shoves the glass door open and stumbles out into the dune, making his way down to the beach blinded by tears. The adrenaline coursing through him is making his heart pound in his ears and he can taste copper: he's bitten his lip or tongue or something in the argument with Cas. His bare feet drag on the sand, the wind whipping through his hair and the salty spray from the ocean burns his hot skin. The storm swirls and lashes across the ocean, lightning hitting the water some distance away, and a low rumble of thunder threatens. It isn't raining, not yet, but the sky is apocalyptic-dark.

He collapses to his knees near the water, breaking down and sobbing. Cas hasn't followed him. He hoped against hope that he would have done - that he wouldn't have let Dean leave, but he has, and it's too symbolic. Means more than just letting him go outside. Cas is going to let him go, he knows it. Knew it would always come to this, and that's why he couldn't bear to reveal his terrible secret earlier on. He let himself be lulled into security, and now it's all over. Sobs choke him, his throat constricting as he struggles for breath, and behind his closed eyes he sees flashes of a pale face with curly dark hair, white skin streaked with blood, and green eyes. The green eyes that have haunted him ever since that day.

Cas has abandoned him.

Cas broke his promise.

Dean deserved it.

With that realisation, all his hopes and dreams of his life with the Novak family shatter into a thousand pieces, and he feels agony tear through his chest as though someone has knifed him in the heart.

He pitches forward, gasping and crying out as grief consumes him, sobbing desperately as every emotion he's kept locked up tight over the last few months comes spewing out in an uncontrollable tidal wave. Memories fill his vision and he's lost to the past.

The screaming of brakes on wet ground. The screams of the little girl's mother. The blood. The glazed eyes. The horror in Sam's voice as he called him, numb, from the police station. The sadness in Bobby's. The disbelief on Benny's face when he came to pick him up and take him home. The sleepless nights that culminated in a doctor prescribing him medication: antidepressants and sleeping pills. Taking too many and vomiting them up into the shower tray in fear. The panic attacks that followed.

The news reports. The journalists. His name on every newsstand, on the local radio, and his wide-eyed, haunted image splashed across local TV stations. Getting shouted at in the streets. A woman throwing red paint at him as he walked towards the grocery store, sobbing 'murderer' at him as he reeled in fright. Locking himself in his house, too afraid to leave. The reporters finding his address and camping out outside.

Getting charged with causing death by dangerous driving.

Going to court, without Sam to defend him. Sam telling him they needed distance because he was working an important case and this type of 'distraction' wasn't what he needed.

Getting acquitted, and having to walk through an angry throng of people while his lawyer whispered in his ear and dug his fingers into his back to keep him moving. No comment, please. No comment, thank you.

The look on Benny's face when Dean visited the cafe for the first time, the helpless expression he had when his patrons got up to leave in protest at Dean's mere presence. He never set foot in the cafe after that and his friendship with Benny was fractured beyond repair.

Sam not coming home until weeks after the court appearances, and only staying for the night when he did, leaving before dawn to get back to his office by 9. The insinuation that Dean was taking all this too hard, and accidents happen. The devastation he felt when Sam asked, 'well, were you watching the road?'.

The Impala crashing into the water…

He retches and vomits up the contents of his stomach onto the sand as the rain starts. It's hard and lashing, miniature bullets attacking his skin and he can't stop crying. Thunder crashes overhead and lightning strikes the water, closer now. It's so dark it could be midnight, and the wind is biting. California storms are unpredictable and wild, and don't let up. It's as though God is looking down on Dean, punishing him for his transgressions. Ripping away the life he built for himself and reminding him that killers don't deserve happiness. He cries even harder, his chest and throat burning as he brings up more bile. His arms are shaking as he braces himself, his fingers digging deep into the wet sand as a chill sweeps through him. He's never felt despair like this before, and it's carving out a hollow carven inside him.

He doesn't know how long he's out there, alone on the beach in the middle of a storm. His clothes and hair are soaked, he's chilled to the bone, and numbness is starting to spread through him. The kind of aching numbness that sciatic pain causes, but this is spreading down his extremities. It's cold. He should go inside.

He can't. He has nowhere left to go.

The ocean taunts him, tempting him, but he can find the energy to stand up. He wonders for a second… just for a second. They say drowning is painless, but never seeing Cas again would be an even worse agony. Even if it's just so that Cas can throw his things at him and point to the door.

The lives he's ruined stream through his mind like some warped credits at the end of a tragic movie. Castiel Novak, who loved him when he shouldn't have. Billie and Lexie Novak, who he should never have got close to. Jimmy Novak, who gave him his misplaced trust. Bobby Singer, the closest thing he has to a disappointed father. Sam Winchester, the brother he humiliated. Anna Milton, who watches her daughter die in front of her. Lilith Milton, who lost her future to Dean.

"I'm so sorry," The words rip from him in agony, directed at nothing and nobody but the blackened sky and the crashing of the waves. "I'm so fucking sorry! I'm sorry, I swear I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!"

The storm swallows his words, and he sits back on his heels, head tipped up to the rain, feeling like he's falling. His whole world is falling with him, and he's alone to bear the weight.

Again.

Someone crashes to their knees next to him, and something heavy and warm comes to rest on his shoulders. A voice is in his ear, barely audible over the road of thunder, and fingers are touching his face, forcing his jaw up. He can't see properly through his tears and the lashing rain, but it's Cas. Cas wrapping a blanket around him, Cas kissing his cold cheek, Cas' hands dragging at him, Cas' desperate voice begging him to come inside. To come home. Warm lips press against his skin again, and he looks into clear blue eyes wide with fear and sorrow, and he allows himself to be lifted to his feet, numbly walking back along the beach with Cas towards the house. He can see it through a haze of blurry vision. The lights on, burning like a beacon to guide them back. Their home.

Cas' home.

The heavy blanket around him keeps off the worst of the rain, but by the time they stumble through the glass doors they are both soaked to the bone and shivering. Cas steers them down the hallway towards the bathroom, leaving wet footprints as they go; Cas' feet are bare, too.

Wordlessly, as Dean just stands there like a rag doll, Cas strips him of his clothing and wraps a huge white fluffy towel around him as the sound of water filling the bath reaches his ears. Dean is shaking violently, freezing; he can't feel his hands and feet and almost falls as Cas coaxes him to get into the bath. The water feels scalding to his ice-cold skin. He stumbles and staggers as his feet slip beneath him, but Cas has him in a firmly reassuring hold so that he doesn't slip and fall, and eventually he's lying submerged in the water, scented with some orange blossom shit that Cas likes, and is trying to pull himself together - and failing. His head looks to one side and he sees Cas kneeling on the rug, wrapped in a blanket he's pulled from somewhere, shivering and wiping Dean's hair back from his face.

"I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry," Cas is babbling, panic lacing his words as he dips his hands into the water to splash it up onto Dean's chest, trying desperately to ward off the chill wracking his body. "I went too far, I'm so sorry, and I thought you'd want space then Jimmy called and Lexie took a weird turn and I freaked out even more and when I hung up the storm had hit and I couldn't see you on the beach any more and I just… I just… Dean, I'm so fucking sorry." Cas starts to cry, silver tears tracking down his drawn cheeks, brow furrowed in distress, clinging to Dean as well as he can from the edge of the tub. "Please, forgive me Dean, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

It's too overwhelming and Dean's energy levels are too low. He doesn't have it in him to try and comfort Cas; or to understand why he hasn't been thrown out. Why Cas is apologising to him. The combination of physical and emotional fatigue mixed with the warm water and the steam in the bathroom saps him of the last of his energy, and the last thing he sees before his eyes close is Cas desperately calling his name.

He wakes slowly, drowsily, as though he's coming to after a long stint of illness, with no real memory of why he feels so goddamn terrible. His nose is blocked, his skin feels chilled but he's sweating, and there's a warm presence at his side in the dark room. And that presence is trembling under a pile of blankets. Quite sniffles punctuate the silence, and he gropes for the source of the noise, freezing as the body next to him jerks and sits up immediately. Cas' hair is on end, and his eyes wide and fearful.

"Dean? Dean, are you all right?" Hands are on his shoulders, his arms, his face; Cas looks freaked. "Dean, say something, please."

"Cas…" It comes out as a croak, so he coughs and tries again. "Cas, what's wrong? What happened?"

"Oh, Jesus, thank God!" Cas collapses onto his chest, his arms coming tightly around him as he hugs Dean in a bone-crushing grip. "I thought you were sick again, the way you were when I first found you, and it scared me so much, Dean. I couldn't go through all that again, not after…" He pulls himself up and looks Dean in the eyes; he's sniffling and tearful, and Dean's fuzzy brain is trying valiantly to remember what 'after' he's talking about.

Then… then…

Oh.

Fuck.

He knows. Cas knows. Cas knows, and yet he's still here, in the house, in their bedroom while the storm rages on uncaringly outside, and Cas is worried about him and his head hurts and nothing makes sense.

He extricates himself from the octopus-grip and sits up slowly, watching the other man frown in confusion and reach for him again.

"Dean…?"

"You do remember what I told you, right?"

"Of course I do." Cas' cheeks redden and suddenly he appears to find eye contact difficult, focusing instead on a loose thread on the duvet they're both cuddled up under.

"Then…"

"Don't." A hand comes up to press gently at his mouth, and he balks in shock. Before he can protest, Cas continues. "Don't say all the things I know are going through your mind. Just… let me talk first?" Dean nods mutely, and his mouth is freed. "I should never have forced you to tell me. I promised you I wouldn't, and I broke that promise. I know you'll need time to forgive that, but I really hope you know how much I regret it." Cas sniffles, staring at the sheets again. "I hate that I'm like that. That I push people and force their hands, and I'm so fucking sorry, Dean. You were the one person I never wanted to let down, and I fucking managed it anyway. I'm just…" Cas seems to run out of steam, his shoulders dropping. If he were a dog, his ears would be hanging limp and his tail would be firmly between his legs. "I'm sorry. For doing that to you."

Dean can't help it; he pulls Cas to him with one rough arm behind his shoulders and kisses his forehead. He doesn't know if he's allowed to touch or not, but Cas touched him first so he figures he gets a pass. He's right, because Cas lets out a choked, weary, relieved little sob and clings to him again. They hold each other for a while, awkward in a half-sitting position then Dean's bracing arm gives out and they fall together onto the white, fluffy sheets and Cas presses up against his side murmuring, 'so sorry' and 'love you' into his skin. Dean still feels hot and sickly and bone-weary, but he lets Cas nuzzle him and whisper endearments, allowing the deep gashes in his soul to be somewhat soothed by the words. But he can't let it go on for too long without knowing.

"Cas…" He states resolutely at the ceiling as he speaks. "What I told you… you must feel… you must…" Hate me.

"Everything I said to you on the phone still stands, Dean." Cas' blue eyes are earnest and clear as he pushes up onto an elbow to look at him. "I love you. I love you with everything I have, in a way I've never loved anybody before. And whatever life throws our way, we will get through together. And that hasn't changed and never will." He drops his gaze for just a second, worrying at his bottom lip. "I know you don't want to talk about it. And you don't have to. But… I just gotta know one thing." He looks up again and there's a flash of concern behind the blue. "Are you on the run? Are the cops going to turn up on my doorstep one day, looking for you?"

It's on the tip of Dean's tongue to tell the truth, to tell him of course not. But some childish, needy part of him just has to know. Just has to ask. Has to foolishly try to measure Cas' devotion to him. Like it's a quantifiable amount. "What if I am?"

Cas pushes himself up onto an elbow, his eyes darkening and Dean's breath sticks in his throat. He's never seen his lover look so intense before. Like he's powering up for a fight. His blue eyes are almost glowing in the semi-darkness.

"Then we'll deal with them when they come. Whatever happened, it was an accident. You said it, and I believe you. Because you're too good for it to have been anything else, Dean." Cas' cool hand comes to touch his cheek. "Whatever happens, I'm here. And I'll fight for you. I'm in your corner. Whatever it takes, whatever I need to do, I'm here and I'll do it. And I'm not going anywhere."

Dean can't stop the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes, and he pulls Cas down onto his chest in a crushing hug. For a moment, the swell of emotion in his chest is too great; he can't speak.

"Where were… where were you when I needed you the most?" It's said almost to himself, and Cas whines unhappily in his arms. "When I was desperate for someone, why didn't I know you then? Why weren't you mine back then?"

"Because it wasn't meant to be that way." Cas is looking up at him with such devotion it's painful to witness. "I was meant to find you now. To help you heal. To ease your pain and to be your anchor."

"To be my angel…" The words leave Dean's lips as a whisper, a caress, and Cas nods against his chest. "I'm not on the run, Cas. I wouldn't bring that down upon you and the boys. It all… happened. The cops, court…" He breaks off, biting down on a sob. It comes too easy, to not want to talk about it. But really, deep down, he does. He needs Cas to know everything now, needs his support and his absolution. It's time he told him.

"It's almost a year ago now, Cas. Fuck, has it been that fucking long? It was all so drawn out that it felt like it went on forever, like the nightmare that wouldn't end. Whenever one door looked like it was about to open, it would slam in my face and I'd be trapped again. And it still hasn't ended I guess. Don't things like this end when you get closure? I can't see myself ever having that, so I suppose this will go on forever. So much shit went down, man, I don't even know where to start. The main thing I remember about that morning is the weather, which is fucking bizarre and I can't explain it. I didn't even want to go out that day. The weather was crappy, like it had been really hot but rained like a bitch all day and I was just tired and cranky, so I almost bailed on Benny when he suggested going to watch a baseball game. But he had two tickets and I felt bad, so I went. And on the way home, the weather had cleared again and the ground was wet and kinda slippery from the downpour. So I was driving so fucking carefully, Cas. Like ten under the limit, maybe more. I was one street away from my place when it happened, one fucking street. I don't know what else I could have done differently... I go over and over it in my head; I could have left five minutes earlier, or later, or gone a different route. But I guess none of that matters now.

"I didn't even see her until it was too late. She ran out from between some parked cars, chasing her cat across the street and I… I hit the brakes but… But the car skidded, and I couldn't stop in time and… I hit her. I knocked her down."

Cas tenses in his arms, a low cry of sadness leaving his lips. He clings to Dean a little tighter.

"I don't even know how long it took me to get out of the car, like it could have been seconds or hours, I've no fucking clue. But I just remember her lying there in the road… and Jesus, the blood… it was everywhere, all over her face, her dress, my car… and her mom was just screaming and screaming and people are running over and… I remember kneeling down by her and trying to grab her, trying to convince myself she was OK. But her eyes… she was gone, Cas. Just gone. She was fucking gone

"Ambulances came. Cops came. Her mom was distraught and I just… I don't remember feeling anything. Just numb. Shock, I guess. Paramedics pronounced her… dead… dead at the scene and that was when it felt like I'd entered hell." A pause. A swallow and a low sob, which could have been from either of them. "Couple people saw what happened and were friends with the mom, told the cops I was speeding. I wasn't, Cas, I swear I fucking wasn't. I'm not an irresponsible driver, I'm always so careful. But no matter what I said, there was a little girl lying dead in the road and me, not saying a fucking word to defend myself. So I was cuffed and dragged away, and eventually charged a while later. My friend Benny bailed me out and came to get me, and I could tell then and there than something has changed between us. He didn't mean for it to happen, I know he didn't. But it was like I was broken. Damaged. Had caused too much devastation to remain the person I was."

"He should have been there for you." Cas' voice is fierce, thick with tears. "Right by your side. The whole time."

"He was. He was there, in body if not in spirit. The press got hold of the story, and of course they sided with the family and I was powerless as they ripped me to shreds." Dean wipes his eyes pointlessly, as more tears come immediately after. "I couldn't even tell them how sorry I was. How fucking sorry I was. It was on TV, in the papers, on the radio. 'Reckless driver steals life of six-year-old child.' It fucking consumed me, Cas. And everyone… everyone pulled away when I needed them the most. I'd call up my friends asking for company when I felt like I was losing my mind, and they'd make excuses so they didn't have to be seen with me. People shouted at me in the streets. Called me names. In the end I lost my job; I couldn't face going in to work and the garage I worked at lost a lot of business because of me. It was only right that I threw in the towel."

"Dean." Cas is clinging, trembling. "How did you survive all that? I mean… how could anyone get through that?" He twists to look at him. "Your brother?"

And that's the one thing Dean can't talk about. Not yet. Sammy, who he gave up his childhood and youth to raise, so he could have food on the table and go through college and be someone. Sammy, who left him alone when he was at his lowest.

"No. Benny, Bobby… they tried. They really did. They were with me in court, were there when I was acquitted. But something had died between us, and it's not something I ever managed to get back." Dean buries his face in Cas' soft hair, inhaling his scent and allowing himself to think that maybe, just maybe, he still has his family. "I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to hurt her. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just didn't fucking see her."

"I know, baby." Cas strokes his chest, choked up and barely able to speak. "I know." He sighs deeply. "You're not a murderer, Dean. You're a good man. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and had the wrong people around you. If I'd been with you, I would have raised heaven and hell to get you through it. To protect you."

"It almost killed me, Cas. Trying to get through it. More than you can imagine. And in the end, I didn't get through it, did I? I ran away, like the coward I am." More tears seep from Dean's closed eyes, soaking into the pillow either side of his head.

"No. That's not what happened, Dean." Cas presses closer, his voice thick and loaded. "You were meant to come here. Your past brought you to me. It brought you home."

They lie together in the cool, dark bedroom, daylight seeping under the blinds, both lost in silent thought. Dean hasn't told Cas all the gory details - like his botched suicide attempt, or having things thrown at him - but it's enough for now. Cas knows. And, somehow, a weight that has been dragging him down for months and months feels like it's finally lifting. Home. The word is everything he craves and longs for, and everything he's been gifted from the beautiful, kind-hearted, generous Novak family, who accepted him without doubt or question and helped him cement his place among them. And now, now that it's all out in the cold light of day, Cas has gone and assuaged all of Dean's fears with one word. Home.

He has a home.

He has a family.

"You know I love you." Cas whispers into the silence. "Please know that. No matter what. I love you."

This isn't the end of things; he knows they have some shit to work through together, but now he also has faith they will make it through together. He has a home. He's loved.