Chapter 15: Fertilizer
A.N. Please note: I wouldn't generally try to spell out accents phonetically. However, since Rose's accent here is assumed and intended to be exaggerated, I have tried to emphasize the unnatural way she's choosing to speak. Umbridge seems like the sort who would pretend to knowledge of accents, languages, and cultures, but would actually be quite ignorant and shallow in her understanding of these things.
Finally, if you are a reader who speaks any of the languages which I have represented in this chapter and you notice a mistake in my representation, please point it out to me! I do not speak most of the languages here, so I was relying upon the internet for translations. Enjoy!
Rose's first class of the day was quickly becoming her favorite. While the younger students were often eager and enthusiastic, she found the 5th, 6th and 7th Ravenclaws and Gryffindors in her first class engaging and capable of the highest level of magic and thinking. Her other upper level class, which met after lunch, contained several Slytherin students who were barely able to repress their clear anti-Muggle prejudice. It was true that there were fewer Slytherin students enrolled in her class than any other house, but those that there were made for a tense ninety minutes. Daphne Greengrass missed no opportunities to argue with her on any issues pertaining to blood status among Wizards or policies toward Muggles, and Blaise Zabini just fixed her with a contemptuous expression for the duration of the class. She suspected they knew about her parentage; it would not, anyway, be difficult to ascertain that she was not among the Sacred Twenty-Eight.
But in her first morning class, Rose was free. The students were eager to learn and were engaged, but the class contained lively elements that made every lesson unpredictable and fresh. Rose kept a careful eye on Fred and George Weasley and on their friend, Lee Jordan, involving them as demonstration subjects whenever she sensed their attention wandering, and she was challenged and inspired by Hermione Granger's dedication to the subject. All in all, Rose was pleased that it was this class which Professor Umbridge would inspect, even if she dreaded the actual event.
On Monday morning, Rose waited until nearly the end of her first class to bring up the inspection. They were finishing a practical lesson in greeting wizards in cultures around the world; students were paired and practiced bowing appropriately as they would to a Japanese wizard, clasping the hand of a Brazilian wizard, and saying "Greetings, fellow wizards," in several languages. Rose judged that they were ready to move on when the class was about 15 minutes from concluding, and she held up her hands for silence.
"That was very good work, class. I have heard pronunciation improvements all over the room. Keep practicing! But now we need to have a brief conversation. On Friday, this class will host a visitor who will be observing the class."
Rose distinctly heard one Gryffindor girl say to another, "Bet it's that Umbridge cow." She caught the girl's eye and raised an eyebrow; the girl flushed and went silent.
"We will indeed be hosting Professor Umbridge in our class Friday morning, yes. Now, you don't need to worry. She is here to observe me, not you. You need only do as you usually do. I assume you have been in other classes which have been inspected—?"
Nods, and a few scowls at this. "She's a right nightmare," Kenneth Towler said under his breath. There was a murmur of assent. Katie Bell raised her hand and Rose acknowledged her with a nod.
"Please, Professor? She's horrid in inspections. She interrupts all the time, she asks all kinds of questions to try to make teachers look bad, and she talks to herself while she's taking notes. She writes very rude notes."
Rose tried to keep the amusement from her face as she said, "I appreciate your concern, Miss Bell, thank you. I'm sure Professor Umbridge improves upon acquaintance. And I am equally sure that this class will give her nothing to criticize."
"She gets worse upon acquaintance, Professor," Lee Jordan observed. Fred and George were nodding vigorously. And suddenly nearly the whole class was chiming in, all ready with abuse for Umbridge and warnings about her treatment of teachers during inspections. Rose felt the corner of her mouth twitch, but she firmly forced her face into a mask of seriousness and held up her hands for quiet again. Before she spoke, she directed her wand at the door, closed it, and locked it.
"Do all of you feel this way, then? You have all found her to be this… unpleasant?" A chorus of affirmative responses followed, and several other auxiliary comments to the effect that Umbridge was universally loathed. "Well then," she said, as they quieted at her look. "Perhaps you won't object to having a little fun while she is with us?"
Rose was on corridor duty that evening when her spine stiffened at a now-familiar voice. Dolores Umbridge was outside the Potions classroom, bearing down on Fred and George Weasley. "You know," she was saying in her sickly sweet, dangerous voice, "I do not think Severus Snape is aware of what you two get up to in classes. He does not see what I see, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley." Rose was full of admiration for they way they returned her gaze with mild, utterly unruffled expressions. "I see the things you get up to in your classes. I know that Miss Johnson did not put Exploding Ginger Eyelash into her own potion. I cannot believe Severus does not have you in detention already, but as he does not—"
Rose raised her voice. "Excusez-moi, Monsieur Weasley et Monsieur Weasley! I em so soreee to interrupt, Madame!" She turned wide eyes to Umbridge as she said this, "But I 'ave been looking for you all ovair! I must speak wis you both about your homewairk, maintenant! Eet was not at all wut I expect. I am veree disappoint wis you! Come wis me, Monsieurs!"
Umbridge looked torn between irritation at having interrupted mid-lecture and satisfaction that someone besides herself was going to tell off the Weasley twins. Severus Snape had narrowed his eyes when she had begun to speak in her exaggerated accent, but he had said nothing. He even looked faintly amused. Fred and George, of course, were only too delighted to come away with her, and they walked briskly to her office.
Rose ushered the twins into her office and shut the door. She took a moment before speaking to cast an Imperturbable Charm on her office door. When she turned to Fred and George, she saw they both had raised eyebrows and devilish grins on their faces. She smiled back. "I assume you recognize the charm?"
"Oh, yes, the Imperturbable charm and we go waaaay back," George answered.
"So what are we in for, Professor Evans?" Fred asked lightly.
"Not detention," Rose promised, "Nor even a reprimand; your homework was actually more than satisfactory. No, you are here because I have a bit of mischief to accomplish, and I want your help. And I recognize true professionals when I meet them." Rose nodded to them as she spoke.
Fred bowed, his eyes twinkling. George's grin spread even wider and he asked, "I think we can put something together. What did you have in mind?"
"Nothing too overt," Rose cautioned. "I would like to keep my position, here, thank you. Nor do I want you two taking the fall; the word is, you spend enough of your time in detention, and I'm not sure you can afford to cross the likes of Professor Umbridge. No, we need to do something where she will not know for certain that anything untoward is happening at all. She may suspect, but she can not know. But we will know. And-" Rose leaned toward Fred and George conspiratorially, "I have found that doing these sorts of things can make one feel better, when one feels at the mercy of uncontrollable forces. Do you know what I mean?"
The boys looked at each other, then nodded. "Absolutely we do," they replied, with one voice.
When they finally felt certain of their plan, dinner time had come and gone. "Oh dear," Rose said ruefully when she saw the time. "Let me fix you something to take back to your Common Room, I've got the makings for sandwiches, plenty of bread and cheese-?"
Fred looked hurt. "Oh, Professor Evans, you have to believe in us a little. We can easily manage a trip to the kitchens on the way back."
"As you said," George winked, "We're professionals. It's all in a day's work." Fred saluted, and both boys stepped jauntily out of her office.
On Friday, most of the students Rose's 9 o'clock class arrived early. They sat more quietly than usual in their seats, and no one uttered a word of protest when Rose instructed them to put their wands away. "Now remember," said Rose, "Straight faces. Does everyone remember their recitation sentences?"
"Yes, Professor," several students chorused, while others nodded.
"Good," Rose replied, smoothing her lilac robes. She never could get used to the dour black robes at Hogwarts after so many years in Beauxbatons blue. She opened her mouth to add one more reminder, then saw the clock and thought better of it. Instead, she stepped to the door and peered into the hall. Sure enough, a squat figure had just rounded the corner and was making its way toward her classroom, panting audibly after having descended so many stairs. Rose gave her class a meaningful look. They all straightened. Several looked nervous; Fred, George, and Lee, however, looked as if Christmas dinner had just been served.
"Ah, Madame Umbridge! How charmante for you to make a visit!" Rose cried as her visitor entered, still breathing hard. "Class, won't you say an Hello to zees guest of ours?"
"Good morning, Professor Umbridge," the students chorused.
Umbridge looked pleasantly surprised at the enthusiastic greeting, and she nodded her round, pink face toward Rose. "Well, you certainly seem to have the students under admirable control, Professor. I assume that you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspection?"
"Oh, oui, I received eet! We are so pleezed to 'ave you 'ere! Make yourself confortable, pleeze!"
"Thank you," twittered Umbridge in her breathy voice which made Rose wince behind her unwavering smile.
Rose clapped her hands. "Classe! Pleez, take out your homework for eenspecshun!" As they had agreed to do, the class took out the homework which had been due on Wednesday for her to appear to inspect. As she made the rounds, Rose was gratified to hear Umbridge rifling around in the dish of bonbons she had left out on the front table. The label on the bonbons read "Coassement de Bonbons: Mangez à vos propres risques!"1
"Oh, bonbons. How thoughtful!" Umbridge cooed. "What a lovely little message there. I do speak French, of course! It comes with my LeStrange ancestry."
Rose deliberately slowed her response time, turning with an exaggerated gesture of warning. "Oh- oh Madame, I must warn you, zos bonbons are- are, nouveautés, euh, novelties, for ze students- "
But Umbridge had already consumed two Croaking Bonbons with the alacrity of a frog snapping up a fly. She smiled sweetly, nothing abashed, and opened her mouth to respond, but all that came out was a bullfrog's sonorous CROAK.
"Oh, Hélas, Madame, I am so dreadful sorree!" Rose cried. "Eet weel wear off, bientôt!" she assured her.
Umbridge did not look placated. She looked at the label on the chocolates, frowned, and opened her mouth again, but again, all that came forth was another loud croak.
"Two meenutes, yes? I belieeve zis weel wear off in zat long. Meanwhile, may I say zat zis suit you wear ees tres élégante!" She approached Umbridge with pretended confidence, smiling appealingly. "Always you wear such chique pieces, Madame! Where is zat you shop? Oh, excusez-moi, I am so sorree," said Rose, holding up her hands. "You must tell me when zee bonbons 'ave worn off. I must know, effectivement!"
Umbridge looked mollified under this flattery, and Rose felt it would be safe now to begin the recitations. "Vairy well, classe, we 'av been studying 'ow to greet Wizards from ozair lands. When I call, you weel stand and I weel give you a country. You must give ze traditional greeting, yes?"
"Yes Professor," chanted the class.
"Très bien," Rose said briskly. Behind her, she could hear the sounds of Umbridge testing out her voice, clearing her throat, muttering quietly and finding herself croak-free. Quickly, Rose called out, "Mademoiselle Patil, Swedish wizard. Pleeez greet."
Padma stood and called out in a clear voice, "Jag vill döda dig med en sked."2
And sat down again. Rose was quite impressed with the class; not one of the students cracked a smile. Hermione, it was true, was looking flushed and was staring determinedly at her hands. Rose had known she could not be called upon to recite; she only hoped Professor Umbridge would not gaze at her over-long. Umbridge, however, was hastily scratching out notes and humming experimentally to herself. Smiling, Rose called, "Monsieur Towler? A Japanese wizard."
Kenneth Towler stood and announced, "Anata wa kaeru no kao o shite iru,"3 in a carrying voice. Rose knew that he was particularly excited about his recitation.
"Very impressive, Mr. Towler!" Umbridge seemed to be confident enough in her voice to speak at last. "And may I ask, is this a class for which you make frequent use of your wand?"
Towler looked at Rose, who gave only the tiniest shake of her head, before he answered. "Er, no, Professor, we don't use wands in this class. Not at all."
"Very good, very good, Towler, thank you," Umbridge said approvingly, scribbling vigorously.
Rose took advantage of the silence to call upon another student. "Mademoiselle Bell, eef you pleez! A wizard from Russia."
Katie stood and declaimed, "Moy lyubimyy barsuk propal."4
"Well done, Mademoiselle! Monsieur Jordan, pleez greet a Saudi wizard."
Lee stood and proudly made a gesture that Rose had assured him was extremely offensive to Arabic speaking people.
Rose allowed for three more recitations, and then she thought the time had come to change tact. "Zis is verry good, classe. Now, pleez take out quills. Eet is time for notes!"
Everyone withdrew a quill and parchment and looked at Rose expectantly. Umbridge was skulking around in the back of the room, seemingly looking for an opportunity to pounce in a student. Rose cleared her throat. "In classe last, we discussed Argentina's sad history of non-magique à l'envers, zee upside-down Muggles. You must remember zee great war which zee Argentines 'ave fought wis zair Muggles before zey turned zem upside-down. Eet 'as been such an 'eadache for zee diplomats zat we do not mention Argentina to any diplomats, evair."
She continued her nonsensical story, to which Umbridge listened with narrowed eyes, until she took the opportunity to draw a crude map of Argentina which she instructed the class to copy. While she was drawing, Rose heard Umbridge asking Padma, "So, do you enjoy this class? Do you find it.. . . . practical?"
"Oh yes, very practical," Padma responded calmly. "I hope to use what I learn here when I begin my internship with the Department of International Magical Cooperation."
Umbridge then asked, in her honey-sweet voice, "Do you use this knowledge when you travel to your homeland, my dear? How do you greet a wizard from your land?"
Rose had finished drawing and was now simply watching the exchange with the rest of the class. Padma looked surprised, but answered, "Well, we generally say, 'Greetings, fellow wizard,' in English."
"No, but in the country where you are from," Umbridge explained patiently. "How does one greet a wizard from- what is it, Pakistan?"
"Oh, of course. How foolish of me." said Padma, looking at Umbridge with barely disguised contempt. "In India we say, 'Aap bahut jaativaadee hain.'"5
"Do you? How charming," Umbridge smiled cloyingly. She then waved to Rose, who was watching with the rest of the class. "Do continue your excellent lesson, Professor Evans."
Rose resumed the tale of the Upside-Down Muggles, and was again pleased to note that not one student so much as cracked a smile. Perhaps this was partially due to their dread of Umbridge, but Rose felt things were going swimmingly. The students dutifully took notes, but when Rose paused to write some fictional "facts" upon the board, she heard Umbridge questioning Fred Weasley.
"So, Mr. Weasley. I notice we are keeping our hands to ourselves today, aren't we? Do you always behave so well in Professor Evans' class?" Rose stole a glance over her shoulder.
"Oh, yes, Professor. That is," and here he looked pained, "I do now."
"Oh? So you have offended in this class before?" Umbridge said, while Rose hurriedly wrote, Bernardo the Ugly, b. 1955, Primary Muggle General.
"I did," Fred said, in a rueful voice, "But I never will again! Professor Evans is a savage in detention, Professor Umbridge. My hand'll never be the same." Rose tensed; she thought he might be overdoing it, now.
But this seemed to have been the right thing to say, for Umbridge said, "Is she? Well now. At least one teacher in this school has the right idea about discipline, eh Professor Evans?" Rose met Umbridge's respectful gaze and nodded her head in a moment of apparently collegial understanding.
Umbridge strode to the front of the classroom. "If you don't mind," she began, standing uncomfortably close to Rose and in a voice which made Rose's spine tingle unpleasantly, "I would like to ask you a few questions. Can the students be made to practice something on their own?"
"But of course!" Rose said, smiling again, hoping she appeared to be at her ease. "Classe! Pleez take a moment, dreel each ozair for ze official magical pets of ze countries of Africa. Immediatement!" She clapped her hands impressively and the students turned to their neighbors to began reviewing the preposterous country-animal pairings she had given them to study the day before.
Umbridge placed her quill to her parchment and began to throw out questions to Rose in a voice that was suddenly brisk. "How long have you been teaching at Hogwarts?"
Rose forced herself to smile into the beady eyes before her. "Zees ees my first year; Professor Dumbledorrre was so kind as to ask!"
"My my, your first year," Umbridge said, scribbling. "Well, to have the students under such strict control in so short a span, I must say, is an accomplishment. You certainly seem to know your subject, too."
Rose struggled against the beginnings of what she knew would be a long, laughing jag. She took a breath and said, "Well, sank you, Madame! And will you now pleez to tell me where it is you shop for zees cunning suit?"
"Ah. Well," Umbridge tittered irritatingly, still standing far too close for Rose's comfort.
"This one is from Twillfit and Taddings. But I expect it must seem terribly out of date to you, with Paris fashion being what it is!"
Rose shook her head. "Au contraire, Madame, zees is very chique. I must visit zees Twillfit and Taddings myself!"
"Yes, well, I do have another question for you, as it happens," Umbridge said, snapping out of her giggles and looking suddenly severe. "There is a rumor floating around; I'm sure you have heard it. They say you are- well, related in some way to the boy, Harry Potter. Is this true?"
Ice seemed to encase Rose's stomach. She took another breath, and then rallied. "Oh, zees boy, wis zee-" and here she motioned a lightning shape over her forehead. "Madame is speaking of zees boy?"
Umbridge nodded, narrowing her eyes. "Yes, Harry Potter. Are you related to him?"
"Zees boy, hélas. He does not take mah class! Lovely boy, charmante. I weesh to 'ave 'eem in class."
Umbridge looked sharply at Rose, who continued to smile blandly back at Umbridge. Then suddenly, she clapped her hands. "Oh! I nearly forget! We 'ave for you, un cadeau. A gift! I 'ave hear zat you like cats?" Rose walked to her desk and lifted out of its box a pink china plate, on which a green-eyed kitten pranced. "Zees is a verrry spéciale, er, verry life-like chatte!"
Umbridge's expression become one of delight. "Oh, how lovely! Did you know, I collect these plates! I do love kittens, what a thoughtful gift!" She reached out to take the plate and caressed it lovingly with a be-ringed hand. Then, she looked up at Rose with a look of concentration on her face. "Merci, Bow-coop!" she said, a trifle proudly.
Rose clasped her hands together and tried to look delighted. "Oh, I am glad you like. Sank you for your visit, Madame!"
"Yes, yes. I think this inspection is concluded. I have quite enough to be getting along with, yes. You will receive the results of your inspection in one week's time, Professor Evans."
"I shall look for zat, sank you, Madame! Merci beaucoup!" Rose briefly considered kissing the woman's cheeks, just to seems as charmingly exotic as possible. But when her eyes fell upon Umbridge's pouchy cheeks and glittering eyes, she found herself unable to get any closer to her than she already was. Instead, she settled for a warm handshake. "Au revoire, Madame Umbridge, your visit 'as made us happee."
As Umbridge stumped out of the room, Rose turned back to her class. She was suddenly filled with affection for them all, as she smiled at them with wide eyes. "Très bien, classe, zees is very good practice, yes," she prattled as she heard Umbridge's steps recede. After a safe interval, she closed the door and muttered the incarnation to Imperturb it. Still, the class remained silent, watching her, though many begin to show signs of barely repressed laughter.
Rose strode to her desk, opened a drawer, and withdraw a box containing sweetly scented litter. She placed it on Katie Bell's desk and cleared her throat. "Miss Bell, and Miss Patil, would you be so kind as to bring this to Professor Umbridge after your lunch today? I shall excuse you from your class. She will need it sooner than that, but let's give the dear little cat a chance to make a bit of a mess first, shall we?"
Katie frowned quizzically. "Professor? What…?" she trailed off.
"Ah, let me explain," Rose said, happily. "Our gift to Professor Umbridge is, as I said, very life-like. Professor Umbridge must be advised to place a litter box beneath the plate, because the kitten will produce realistic amounts of, er, waste, several times a day."
Abruptly, the class lost the ability to repress their guffaws. Hermione's laughter was contained in her hands, but Padma's ran down her face in the form of tears, Lee's caused him to kick his legs and fling back his head, and Roger Davies' had him pounding on the table. For about five of their remaining 15 minutes, the class was helpless with mirth.
"This was," Katie said, wiping tears from her face, "the best class I've had all year."
Several students agreed loudly. Rose, who had sunk into a chair and laughed until she gasped, felt it was time to set an example. "We're going to need to get ourselves together, class," she said, smoothing her hair and she stood up. She looked at them, Gryffindors and Ravenclaws beginning to recover from their hilarity, and she beamed. "We have had our fun, we have done something to relieve our feelings, and you all were perfect. This has set us behind, so I'll be writing your reading assignment and reflection on the board. Please copy it down before you leave today. And remember," and here she mustered a stern expression, "everything that happened here is a great secret. So when you tell your friends," she raised an eyebrow, "please use discretion about who you tell and who can hear you. I trust you have noticed by now that this is not a normal year at Hogwarts?"
Once again, the class assured her that they understood her perfectly.
1 "Croaking Bonbons- Eat at your own risk!"
2 Swedish for "I want to kill you with a spoon."
3 English rendering of Japanese for "You have a frog's face."
4 Russian; "My favorite badger is missing."
5 Hindi; "You are very racist."