A Week Later
"A bottle cap" Ryan asked him. "Plastic won't do anything but make scratches. A metal one you can stomp it on the ground, get one of the edges sharp and get another scar added." He replies, flicking the cigarette on the pavement. "Wow not bad. How about nail clipper?" he shook his head. "Too easy" Ryan only chuckled at this. Ryan had been the only person he had talked to in a week of being here. They didn't have any of the same issues, seeing as Ryan was more in for psychotic behavior towards others and he was well just plain crazy. The pills were working, well at least the ones that he made his body consume in the day. At night it was a different situation with him not sleeping or taking the pills he swallowed, throwing them up before his body digested them. It had been a pattern for him and he was still following it, noticing some changes in his features. His skin was little bit yellow, his eyes red, dark pink bags underneath them from not sleeping. He had become a little more paranoid than he usually was already, even thinking that the pills in general where bad for him and that he needed to stop taking them period. "Hey you in there, man? Or did the voices get you?" Ryan joked. "I don't fucking hear voices, alright!" he stood to his feet, his fist clenched. Everyone always seemed to think that because you are schizophrenic, you automatically hear voices, which was only in certain people that it happened to, the majority not hearing voices, but still having horrible symptoms. "Hey clam down alright? Before the murse comes over and thinks something's up." Ryan pointing back at the male nurse watching over some of the other patients in their time in the supposed garden. He nodded and sat right back down, still wanting to let out his anger in a way. It had been like this for a while. Him losing his temper over insignificant things only to later on regret it, but now that he knew what was wrong, it only made him sad. Horribly sad that it had to come to a failed suicide attempt for him to see how sick he really was. He felt a pat on his shoulder as Ryan offered him another cigarette, declining it. While Ryan called over the nurse to give him a light, he spoke. "I'm tired. It's been a week and I feel exhausted and hurt and I don't know why." He tried his best not to get choked up. "I feel myself all over the place. Like I can't grip anything. I can't think straight. I can't concentrate on one fucking thing because I feel all my thoughts are erratic. I feel like I'm drowning and I'm the one that is holding myself down in the water…" He closed his eyes, the picture so real that he could see the whole thing play out as if he were really underneath water. "..Pulling my head down and deeper until I can barely see what's in front of me. Even the though of taking anything and maybe cutting away at my arms is not enough" He brought the palms of his hands to either side of his head, pushing down a little to see if the pressure went away. He needs it to go away! It wasn't time for the morning routine of taking his pills since he still hadn't gone in to see the psychologist, the center wanting them to not be coked up on meds in the first visit so that in the afternoon visit the difference could be seen. Ryan puffed away, blowing some of the smoke he still had towards him. "You have to breathe, man. Take in a few deep breaths and just-" "Cut the crap. We both know that shit doesn't work. Only on the sane patients it might, but not us. We both know what we have, what goes through our mind. What thoughts pop in and breathing is not going to help it." He saw his, if he could call him that, friend shake his head. "I've been in here for maybe two weeks before you got here and I know what you're going through. The first week is always the hardest. Having to stay in and seat on talks and have to do stupid idiotic things that five year olds do, not having any connection to any one, the only time through a phone call in the front desk or a weekly visit. I get it, but you need to see that this right here, even how stupid and dumb it might seem, will help you." He thought, well tried is more like it, to concentrate in what he had just been told, it being a little difficult since his mind had been made up after maybe a minute of him speaking, but he tried to listen. "So it's just the first week" he asked, Ryan nodding, taking another long drag and puffing out rings. Just the first week he though. Just the first week. Just the first week. He repeated and repeated in his mind. It had always been a pattern for him to rethink everything now, every good, every bad and every hurt thought he had, he constantly repeated it, playing like a never ending movie in his mind. It wasn't long before one of the patients came back out and it was his turn to head inside and have his morning sit down with the psychologist. He stood and walked away from Ryan and into the center, seeing the nice nurse Scarlet smiling at him as she walked him down to the office, doing her best to make small talk on how he was adjusting to things. "Fine, I guess" he told her before heading in and taking the usual seat. It was now 10 in the morning and the session was over. He was more than happy to get out of there and head towards the garden again, only he was stopped and was handed the pills. He took the pills, looking down to see they hadn't changed or that the dosage he could make on the pill was still only 50 mg before pooping them in his mouth and taking the bottle of water with him to drink as he headed out. Time passed from doing stupid mindless kindergarden crap to a group session to lunch before he was happy. He was expecting it any minute now and he was nervous. It wasn't a long wait when he heard her ask for him. "Hey!" he exclaimed as he made his way towards her, wearing a big smile. It had been more than a week and a day since he had last saw the love of his life and he was ecstatic that she had agreed to come visit him. He stopped in front of her and took in her appearance. She looked a little worried, checking what seemed to him, his arms and face and his body, trying to see if she noticed anything new. It was a long minute, a minute he never wanted to pass between them again when he finally hugged her, her arms finding their way around him as he tried his best not squeeze her to death with the hug. He held on to her, his nose rubbing along the side of her head covered by her long hair, breathing in her intoxicating smell. He has missed her. He could feel her relax as they pulled away and sat on the hall bench, neither one trying to break their hands away from one another. "You came" he told her, bringing her hand to his lips and planting a soft kiss on top of it before leaning in to kiss her cheek. "Of course I did. I wanted to see you" were her first words he had heard from her now. She half smiled at him before looking sadly at the ground. He knew what he had done and he had to let her know something. "I'm sorry. I should have told you what I was planning to do. I didn't tell any one. I kept it to myself" he saw her sadden tear drenched eyes look up at him, breaking a hole right through him to see the pain of it all. "No please don't cry. I don't want to see you cry." She sniffled and took a tissue from her purse before wiping her nose. "How can I not cry? You're in here and you look so different." He bit down on his lower lip, knowing that she would notice that right off the bat. " You haven't been sleeping." She stated more than she questioned. "I have. I just" he sighed. "No. I haven't. I just don't want to take so many pills" it scared him that he would have to take this many pills now and how ever more in the future. "You have to start doing what they want you to do in here. I don't want you to go back to…" she lowered her head and the silence spoke volumes between them. He nodded to her, knowing that she wasn't looking at him, he spoke. "I promise to do anything they tell me to do and…to take any pill they give me" he didn't want to see her get hurt and all on his account. If he couldn't stand one thing, it was seeing the girl of his dreams hurt or suffering and he knew he would do anything to see her happy and smiling at any cost. Their visit was as normal as it could get after that, her telling him how his friends were all dealing with the news, all of them already planning on signing up to come visit him next week. He didn't want his family to come visit, knowing that he might feel anger and pain at them seeing him like this, only asking for his brother and how he was dealing with it all, finding out he was keeping busy trying to clean up his room and have it repainted by the time he got back, always annoyed at him for having dark painted walls. "He better not go for anything other than navy or I'm hitting him in the balls so tell him I said that" he told her, knowing his brother was staying far away from this place. He couldn't blame him. At the end of it all he had come to see that he needed to at least see if this could all help him and that meant doing everything he could to make it work. They said their goodbyes, sharing a long kiss at the end, his lips never wanting to be away from her any longer than they had to be. He waved goodbye as she took the elevator down. The night came and the male nurse, Big Henry as everyone called him came to his room to give him his night meds. He took the thin plastic cup and popped them all in at once, gulping them all down with the water and thanking Big Henry before his door was closed. He stood there for a minute, his thoughts going back from getting the pills out of his system now or just waiting until they did their affect on him. He struggled within himself. He didn't want pills! He despised the idea of it all, but at the end he made his choice. He started to walk towards his bed, taking off the white sheets that had been cleaned and put on his bed that morning and pushed them off towards the end of the bed. He crawled in and sat there Indian style and waited. Waited for him to go to sleep, for his eyes to become heavy, for his breathing to regulate and for his body to relax, hoping that he would dream a good dream and no nightmares. That he would dream of her.