She is sleeping when I wake up, with the first rays of light inflaming her already red hair.
I can say for sure that I've never seen her like this. Or, better, I've never looked at her like this. At Litchfield we were constantly watched, never really alone, always careful. Before Litchfield, well, let's just say that I was young and slightly stupid, I wanted other things, I didn't care about this.
And by this I mean…this. To look and observe, nothing else. Being aware of the little things. Being aware of the dust dancing in the sun above her head, of the slow rising of her chest, of the reality that lays in front of me, the fact that all the cells of her body are here right now, after longing for this moment for so long, everything is physically here. She's here. It's a peaceful moment. The storm is gone, I can see beams of light coming from the window. Ralph is fine, no one is hurt and Alex is fine too. Alex is fine and she's completely harmless in my bed. She can't talk back to me, she can't even look at me, she's completely relaxed and completely safe. I completely would like to touch her, but just to print in my brain with my fingertips the way I would like to remember her forever.
I'm not a fool. I know that this situation is not really ideal, it's not the way I've picture it in my mind every day since that day five years ago, and after a couple of years, every other day, or, after Martha, every once in a while.
There would be hesitation, at first. Distrust. But after that she would have seen me, for what I am now. And there's when the mature conversation would have start. Maybe, just maybe, I've put too much imagination into this thing in my head, maybe because deep down I knew that the reality would have been different? I'll never know. All I can do now is work with what I've got, with as much honesty as possible.
I've made this decision this morning. She'll be gone in six days and this is how I will remember her. Safe, relaxed and in my bed. I'm not kidding myself, in six days there's going to be a goodbye, my last chance to get some kind of closure. The timing couldn't be more perfect.
I feel so full of light too. It's like last night emptied everything I had inside and now I can wake up brand new, with white light filling my body. Light and acceptance. Acceptance that this will probably be the first and last time I am allowed to see her like this, in my same room, breathing the same air as me, without animosity or layers of problems. We are both pure, in a way.
I smile when I think about the fact that the only way to achieve this moment was to have Alex unconscious, but, what the hell, whatever helps…
I should take a shower, but I can't, because it will wake her up and I think I will have to do a lot of dirty work this morning. Speaking of which, I need to call Cal. But I really also need just another small minute here.
I focus my attention on her regular breathing. It's all so beautiful. I look at her until it starts to hurt. And then I put on a pair of shorts and I leave the cabin.
What I have in front of me is simply impossible to believe. Broken branches everywhere, leaves, pieces of wood, pieces of plastic, garbage, a couple of umbrellas, camping chairs, ropes, a fucking tree smashed on a cabin. The scenario is apocalyptic. What the fuck happened last night? How did we survive? How much money did we lose and how much of it is covered by our very expensive insurance? My mind is in fibrillation. The sun is really bright, the water, stagnant on the ground, makes everything sparkle. It all could be a big metaphor of life, the clearness after the storm and all the other philosophical bullshit that I like so much, but right now, as I see it, it's all a big "Fuck you Piper, I'm the weather, you have no control on this and, frankly, you're a mess". I smile at the thought and I take out the cell from my pocket. Damn, it's dead, I must have left it turned off after the all "Ralph-is-missing-Alex-is-in-my-bed" thing. I turn it on.
86 notifications. What the hell?
But first, coffee.
As I walk towards the kitchen I stop for a second to look at the disaster I have in front of me. Alex and Sandy's cabin is literally divided in half by a big pine tree. How did it happen? I have no clue. The first row of trees is at least 70 feet from all the cabins, did it fly? How strong were the winds? But the tree is there, with roots and all, and it could have killed Alex. I don't linger on this thought too much because the implications of what we risked last night are too heavy, and I know what happened to me the last time I thought I was indirectly responsible for Alex's death. It wasn't good, it wasn't good at all.
I shake these thoughts from my head and I keep moving. I miss Ralph on my side but I know that he's fine now, otherwise Danny would have called me. Some of the guests are already up and talking in a group not far from me, but I'm still not ready to face them, I already know what the only topic of discussion would be, so I need some alone time before the "Oh my god she could have died" and "what will you do now?" storm will hit me. So I sneak into the kitchen, I grab a cup of already made fresh coffee and I head out avoiding all the human beings and going directly to the woods.
No one saw me, good.
I sit on a patch of wet leaves, my ass is going to be wet soon, but I don't care, it will dry. I sniff my dark salvation and I already feel reinvigorated. As I sip slowly the coffee, a sense of excitement rushes through me. It was there also this morning. I don't know how to describe it. A rush of adrenaline, of possibilities, adventures. I don't know. My life has been pretty boring in the past years, but boring in a nice way. Last night I was in the middle of a storm, with Alex. That kind of excitement is new for me, or, better, I didn't think I still had it in me. I feel younger, in a way, happy. Happier.
I look at the screen of my phone. Texts from Cal, Polly, Nicky, Jones, Martha, some New York friends and also my father and Larry. Everyone was really concerned. Some guys died last night in a camping not far from here. Lighting strikes.
I quickly text Martha, telling her that I'm ok and that I will call her later and then I dial Cal's number. He picks up after less than one ring.
"Pipette, how are you? Is it true that cabin 6 has been destroyed by a tree? How is it even possible?" His voice is so high that it feels like a drill in my ear.
I smile at his concern. The situation is not funny, but everyone is fine and I've never heard him so concerned before. My big little bear brother loves this Camp just as much as I do.
"Hi Cal, calm down, everything is good. Who told you, by the way?"
And, then, for some solid 10 minutes, we talk about the Camp, the insurance company that will cover every cost and about his friend that owns an excavator and that can be here in a few hours to help us remove the tree from the cabin and take down everything, just like his lawyer friend told him to.
So, everything is set. I just need to clean the camp while I wait for the arrival of Cal and his friend. As I scroll for the last time the screen, I see a text I hadn't seen before. It's from Sandy.
"Hi Piper. I can't contact my girlfriend. And your Martha can't contact you either. Is everything ok? Please, if you read this before she does, can you tell her to call me? Thanks."
My girlfriend. I don't know why this annoys me. Maybe is just perfect Sandy that annoys me.
What do I have to tell her? That her girlfriend slept with me last night and that their cabin is destroyed? Probably yes. I don't know why my first instinct is to be stupid, but I'm also the owner of this place and she's worried about one of my guests.
"Hi Sandy. Last night the storm hit really hard and you cabin is damaged. Don't worry about Martha. She's fine and she's still sleeping. I'll tell her to call you as soon as I see her."
The answer is almost immediate.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was so worried."
Guilt.
I answer with a smiley face and I put my cell back in my pocket. The temptation to turn it off and throw it away is really strong.
Let's go, we've got work to do.
It's almost 11 a.m. and still no sign of Alex. Danny brought Ralph to a vet in town, it turns out he's got a little fracture, but nothing that a little rest and a tight bandage can't cure. We're lucky, but I can't help but feel that the luckiest one of all is me. That's why my smile is even shinier than the sun. It may be the only shiny thing about me, because, well, I'm dirty. Like really really dirty.
I tried to convince the guests that I could do all the work on my own, but they didn't want to hear any reason. So everyone helped. Even the kids were going around the camp to collect the smallest branches to bring them in the pile of wood that we will use for Wednesday's bonfire.
Cal called me two minutes ago to tell me that they're on their way. So I need to go and check on Alex because, once the tree will be removed, we need to move all of her and Martha's stuff into the reception cabin, or into my cabin. Obviously temporarily.
When I enter the cabin I don't know what to expect, but I know that certainly I wasn't expecting to see her sleeping on my side of the bed only in her bathrobe, or, to be more precise, in my bathrobe.
Her hair is wet. Her hair looks black again.
That's why I need to hurry and wake her up now, so that my brain will not have the time to get too fucked up, or to look at the bathrobe that is slowly opening…
"Pipes?" a sleepy hoarse voice comes from the bed.
Fuck.
"Hey, hi. Sorry to bother you, but I need you to come with me outside…"
Silence, she's stretching.
"Now? Naked?" She's rubbing her face with both her hands. She's now in a sitting position and the bathrobe opens just a little bit more.
"Yes…I mean, no… I mean… Yes related to the now, the no to the naked part, obviously…" I'm babbling… so much for playing it cool, but she's smiling, or so it appears.
"Why?"
"Why what?" Oh god.
"Why do I need to follow you outside now, did something happen?" Suddenly she raises her eyes to me and her sleepy tone is gone "Did something happen?
"No, no, don't worry about it" I take a few steps in her direction with my arms extended. It looks like I still automatically feel the pull to reassure her, even after all this years, like when we were fighting, like when I decided to leave her in Paris.
But it looks like I'm the only one here, since I see her retreating from me, it's a small inch, but it's enough to hurt me, even if I have absolutely no right to expect her to be drawn to me in any way. But it hurts to know that her automatic reaction to me is to get as far as possible from my body. So I keep on talking, it's the thing I do when I'm nervous.
"It's just that Cal is arriving here with his friend and an excavator and when we'll remove the tree, we'll need to take all of your stuff and bring it here…or someplace else…just temporarily. Lenny and Donny are leaving on Saturday, so you and Sandy can move in cabin #3 for as long as you like. And a full refund will be given you and also extra compensation for all the things that may have been broken or ruined last night…"
I pause one second to breath.
"Woah. Very professional Miss Chapman, so you're offering us a free holiday and an all-inclusive service in exchange for what? A good trip advisor review? Or to avoid a lawsuit?"
She's still smiling, but I can't figure out if she's joking or if she's for real. I know she could sue us. We have done everything by the book, but a lawsuit is a lawsuit. Could she really do that? My instinct says no. But my instinct also says that Alex, the new and improved Alex, is unpredictable. So I won't fall into her trap and be polemic. She's a client and the client is always right. I feel like she's trying to bring me on the verge. On the verge of what? I need to stay calm and collected. No more reaction in the heat of the moment with her, I cannot afford it, not now.
"Alex, listen, I don't want to beg you...but this Camp is really important for me and other people are involved…Cal, Yoga Jones…" At the word "beg" she started smiling with her typical amused grin. "…so yes…if you could just, not sue us, it would be great. I know you have the right to, but I just, what the hell, I just beg you, please don't do it. Insult me and shout at me all you want, but don't sue us please".
Now she's laughing from the belly, but I'm not. Is this a good laugh or a bad one?
It seems like an eternity has passed before she speaks.
"Relax kid, I was joking…you had me at the "full refund holiday", but, to be honest, I also liked the begging part…can I know more about it? What do I get? You on your knees? I'd really like that…"
A bomb of heat explodes inside of me. I don't know if I should be more relieved, offended or…well, "aware". Me on my knees. Been there, done that. I'm not turned on. I'm not.
"Fuck you, Alex…" I join in her laugh. If you can't defeat them, join them.
The air looks clear between us. Maybe last night was purifying also for her. Maybe we can finally have the talk. Actually, I can finally have the talk and the closure I need. I just need her to be honest and not having a secret agenda or a secret friend telling her to talk to me. I need her to be, well, her. Given the circumstances, I don't know, but I'm positive that I'm going to figure it out.
"How's Ralph?" she asks.
"Good, thanks. He's got a little fracture, but nothing serious. In three weeks top he's going to run around again"
"Good" she looks sincere, and I'm pretty sure she is.
We are looking at each other in silence. I'd like to thank her again for last night, but I think I know how she'll react if I imply, even indirectly, that she did something to help me. I'm so glad that she's not hurt.
In a few seconds the silence will be awkward. I need to come up with something neutral to say.
"Are you still worried about Kubra?" What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Say?
She's taken aback from my words and my change of topic. I'm taken aback from what I've just blurted out. What is it with me that when Alex is in the same room, my mouth is disconnected from my brain?
She's opening her mouth to speak when my phone starts ringing. It's Cal.
"Hey Bro!"
They're here. Time to work. I hung up.
"Sorry, it was Cal…they're here" I look at Alex who's still in the same position as before "What were you saying?"
"Nothing" She's quick in her response. Too quick. "It can wait"
What does she want to tell me?
"Ok. Later" No pressure.
"I'll be out in a minute" she says as to dismiss me. Message received. I leave her half naked in my cabin while I go outside and close the door behind me. This is good. I don't know what it is, but it's good, promising.
I'm talking to Cal and to his friend Tom in the kitchen, in front of another cup of coffee, when Alex makes her entrance through the door and all eyes are on her.
My heart skips a beat, she's wearing my clothes. Of course, I should have thought about it. She doesn't have a wardrobe anymore. She has chosen a simple blue t-shirt and a pair of light brown shorts. I'm embarrassed because it means that she has probably gone through my stuff. Not that I have something to hide.
Then it hits me. Oh my god. What if she…? Where did I put it? Suddenly I raise my eyes in her direction. She's looking at me with a smile, pointing at her shorts. My shorts. She knows. Oh god, she knows.
Our sex life was curious and adventurous, but she doesn't need to know what I do or don't do now. Oh god.
My thoughts are interrupted by the entrance of Rosa who, like a tornado, engulfs Alex in a tight embrace. The Alex I knew wasn't really into public displays of affection, but I guess I'm not the only one who changed in all these years because she hugs Rosa back and she smiles sincerely. I'm happy that Rosa can do what I wish I could do.
"You made us all worry so much darling! Have you seen the cabin? I cannot even begin to think about what would have happened if you were inside! Thank god you were out with Piper…" At the mention of my name, Rosa seems to remember that I exist and turns her attention to me without leaving Alex's side, and without letting her talk.
"Piper, darling, what about you? Are you ok?"
"I'm pretty good Rosa, thank you very much"
"Did you both sleep well last night? Two years ago I spilled some tea on my bed and I was forced to sleep in the inflatable bed…needless to say, it was a nightmare!" This question is clearly directed at Alex, who wasn't supposed to sleep on the bed. She wasn't supposed to be so close to me that I could feel the heat radiate from her body…
"I was so tired that I slept like a baby…" it's her very neutral reply. I wonder if it's true. The fact that she was sleeping in the bathrobe at noon made me think about the opposite. And I kind of like the idea that she didn't sleep well by my side, that, one way or the other, she's affected by me as much as her presence is affecting me.
The answer seems to have placated Rosa's curiosity that now shifts to another topic.
"Cal! How are you darling? How's Neri? And the baby?" And in a couple of fast steps, she's next to me, hugging him.
"We're all good Rosa, next week they're coming here, so you'll have all the time in the world to spoil my child as usual. How's Bob doing? "
"Oh Cal! Always so charming! Bob is exactly how you left him last year…stubborn like a goat, but good." All the people in the room are laughing, Alex is walking in our direction, Rosa is still speaking.
"Cal, darling, have you met our Martha?" at the mention of Martha's name, my head snaps in the door's direction, expecting to see my Martha. Old habits die last. I don't know why my heart is beating so fast. Why am I scared at the thought that my fiancé could be here?
"No. Hi, I'm Cal, nice to meet you Martha. May I say that I'm really really sorry about what happened? Really…"
"Cal, stop please. You don't have to worry about it. I've settle everything with your sister. No one got hurt and I'm going to get a free holiday, so…"
I was so full in my head that I didn't think about the fact the Cal was going to meet Alex, and vice versa, and now the scene in front of me is more surreal than a Dali painting. If he only knew…
"You get a free holiday and Pipette told me we're not getting sued. I'd say it's a win-win situation, right?"
"Straight to the point Cal, I like you!" says Alex causing a burst of laughs in the room.
"Well, yeah. It's the usual Chapman's charm, you know how it is…I'm irresistible…but married" Since his marriage to Neri, Cal seems to have learn how to speak with women, in a way I'm proud of him.
"Oh Cal, I'm afraid she's more inclined to be charmed by the other Chapman in this room…" My blood is frozen, I can feel my ears burning. Rosa, what the hell are you talking about? Does she know something about us? Did she hear us? Oh my god. I turn my head in Alex's direction, why does she seem so calm? Why is she smiling? Cal's eyes are bigger and he looks at me with a puzzled look. I feel you brother. This may be my end, but then Alex starts to talk in her usual deep and playful voice.
"Well, what Rosa meant is that, since I'm a lesbian, I would be inclined to sail towards other shores. But since I'm a lesbian with a girlfriend, I may have to ignore the Chapman charm for today…"
Oh. God. That's what Rosa meant! I think Alex knew about my misinterpretation, because I saw her giving me a quick glance. Maybe she was afraid I could ruin our cover? Doesn't she know that, as of right now, the public revelation of the truth is my greatest fear?
"No, really? Another one? I'm starting to think is my fault, I'm surrounded by lesbians…I'm like a lesbian attractor…" Thank god the conversation is proceeding smoothly even without me. It seems that, if Alex is in the room, I lose all my intuitiveness.
"This is not me making a move on you, but you look quite familiar, Martha. Have we met somewhere?" I've spent my life eating healthy and exercising and, in a couple of minutes, Cal has given me a three or four heart attacks. I remember I showed him some picture of Alex, but it was years ago…he cannot remember… please Alex, say something definitive…
"I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I would remember you…" She delivers the line with a flirty mocking grin and that seals it. Everyone laughs and we start planning how we're going to remove the tree from the cabin. Now and then I glance at Alex, whose eyes I feel on me.
We've spent the last 2 hours working like mules, and now, in the same place where there was the cabin, there's a shallow hole. It took us more than one hour to move the tree, between the excavator and the chainsaw. I've worked side by side with Alex, we barely talked, but it was not the ideal situation, we just were practical. "Move that branch" "Take this box and put inside all the things that are not broken" and so on.
It turns out that, except for Alex's laptop, a few books and a trolley, nothing else got broken during the storm. We put all of their stuff into the reception cabin and a big box of Alex's stuff inside my cabin. We will share again the room tonight. The room and the bed, I'm well aware of that.
Usually we wash our guests clothes in the washing machines in town, we go there once a week, but right now, given the circumstances, Cal brought Alex in his home, a few minutes' drive from the Camp, twenty minutes walking, so she can wash basically everything and having it dried by tonight, given the outside weather.
They left more than one hour ago. I'm not saying that they should be here by now, but they could. If she has chosen the fast program of Cal's washing machine. Oh gosh, how am I wasting my time thinking about this crap? I need to take my mind away from her, and what she was about to tell me in the cabin, and what we may talk about when she will be back.
I cannot even immerse myself in other tasking, the camp is clean, the lunch is ready and I've taken the very needed shower. I don't even have to organize this afternoon's activities because Friday is "horse riding afternoon" and I've got some people from a nearby farm coming here with the horses and taking the guests on a ride around the lake. They will be here in a couple of hour, at 4 pm. I wonder if Alex knows how to ride a horse, we never did something like that when we were together and I don't recall her telling me stories about it.
Nothing. Nothing, nothing and nothing. This is the summary of the last two hours. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. I've spent them going around the camp, rearranging the deckchairs on the beach and sitting with Ralph on my lap while on the phone with Martha. I've tried to sleep, I've tried to read, all without any success whatsoever. Alex is still nowhere to be found. That's the point. I have almost the promise of a talk, a glimmer of hope, she was about to say something to me on the cabin, it seemed important and I can feel that her animosity towards me is turned down at least a notch. This is the perfect moment, so where the hell is she?
I could call Cal, but I don't want to. I think that I would sound too...desperate. And the fact that I am a little bit desperate is not something that I want to remind myself of.
Grayson and Laura, the couple from the horse farm, are just arrived here, so I finally have something to do. All the guests who signed up for this activity are already in the square in front of the kitchen, still no sign of Alex, not that I'm thinking only about that.
After an half an hour of preparations, all the guests are more or less safely on a moving animal, and they're touring the lake. This is usually one of my favorite moments of the week because there's a little peace on the almost desert camp, and I can do something for myself like tidy up or take a walk with Ralph, or Martha, or both.
But Martha is not here. This is pretty clear. I've talked to her, she's doing great and tomorrow she'll be back. A rush of acid rises from the stomach at the thought that maybe it's too soon. Maybe I would need another day alone with Alex to get past that armor she wears and have a real talk. In a way I'm doing it also for Martha. If I can get past this "problem" with my past, I will be even more ready to start a new future with her.
There's only one thing to do, when I'm in a situation like this. Only one place to go. My special place. It's strange to go there without Ralph, but I already feel better, just by walking in its direction. With a weather like this, it must be simply amazing.
I jump over the log, I step into the thorny bush, but something is strange. Probably is the lack of the dog running in front of me, but still something seems off.
When I arrive at the meadow, however, everything is like the usual, maybe with brighter colors. As I walk to my special place under the oak tree, my feet suddenly stop, and with them, also my heart.
I'm not alone.
In one of the flat rocks in the middle of the small stream, there's Alex. Reading a book.
I know she heard me because she lowers the book, just an inch so I can see her eyes, watching me behind the new pair of glasses she found in the remains of her cabin. They're black.
"Hi…" she says, almost amused "..the world is small"
I'm speechless. For being one that believe in destiny and fate, this is fucking incredible, or creepy, or both.
I still can't talk and I'm looking at her, but I don't know how my face may look from the outside. Maybe shocked?
"Is everything all right?" She has now put the book on the rock and she's looking at me with a puzzled look, but the grin is still on her face.
I sit down on my spot under the oak tree, she's 6 feet from me, in her rock on the stream, like a mermaid "What are you doing in my place?" As soon as I say those words, I wish I could take them back and choose some other words a little less arrogant.
She doesn't seem to mind. "Your place?" She's smiling in disbelief.
"Well, this is kind of my secret place" I realize that I'm using my "fake innocent" voice. I think the last time I used it, I was in Litchfield.
"Your secret place?"
"Is this game of questioning going for long, Alex?" I say her name deliberately slowly.
"Well, Piper, never mind, I'm going to find another place" She's starting to sound a little annoyed and she begins to get up.
"No, wait. I was joking. I was just surprised to see you here. I come here when I want some time for myself and no one else knows about this place, that's all…"
"Well, it's a really nice place, I wanted to see it in the light of day" she has sat back again. She's barefoot and her left foot is in the stream, she's looking around, breathing deeply.
"Yes, it is"
"So, can I stay here, in your place, reading a book?" she emphasize the word "your" and I don't know why, but I feel a shiver running on my back.
"Of course you can." I reply with an equal grin and an eye roll.
"Well, thanks." She lies down on the rock and she picks up the book again. I don't want this conversation to end, but I don't know how to start it.
After a few minutes I come up with something. "How did you find this place? Last night, I mean…"
She raises her eyes from the book again and looks at me. I'm in the exact same place where I've found her with Ralph on her lap. I think she's thinking the same thing.
"I tried to follow the barks, but it was dark and I couldn't hear them very well. I was about to call you, when I saw the thorny bush. And I remembered where Ralph brought me the first night I was here…well, my shins remembered it better than me…"
"Yeah, I do remember that too…" and now my mind goes back to when my hands where on her shins. And I asked her to take off her pants. Oh god.
Silence again. She picks up the book again.
I try really hard to relax. I lie under the tree, I look at the stream, I think about everything else, but my secret place is ruined. Ruined forever. It's been invaded and now Alex is everywhere.
I think this could be the perfect moment. The moment when I have my closure. Alex seems in a good mood. I've never seen her like this in the past few days. She can't have a reason for faking it. Not for Nicky's sake, not even for her own sake. So why can't I ask what I really need to ask? Why am I so afraid? I feel like I don't want to ruin this moment of peace.
"What do you want from me, Piper?" Her voice startles me. I've just realized that my eyes are fixed on her, I didn't do it on purpose. She must have felt them. Her tone is not annoyed, more resigned and I know that this is the moment. No more games or tiptoeing around it. So I say the only thing that comes into my mind.
"Honesty" I search her eyes for clues on how this conversation may go. Bu I don't find any.
"What for?"
I don't know any more. I just know that I need it. I settle on the answer I would have given her a few days ago, but right now I know it's not just that any more.
"Closure" I've became monosyllabic.
She seems to think about it.
"You think you deserve it?" Her words stabs me in the chest. The pain I'm feeling doesn't allow me to think straight. I don't know what to answer.
"I used to think that I did. Now I don't know anymore. I just know that I'd like to move on with my life and cut all the loose ends from the past"
I'm sitting on the riverbank, under the tree, she's now sitting on the rock, with both her feet on the water, facing me. The sun is getting low, it's the beginning of the sunset, the guests will be soon at the Camp and I'll need to be there. But Alex is taking her time to answer and I'm starting to lose hope.
"So, after all this years, am I still a loose end you need to cut?" Her face shows no emotions.
I wasn't expecting her to say that. I don't know how she wants me to answer. So I go for the truth.
"Yes, in a way, you are."
She hiss a sarcastic laugh.
"Ok"
"Ok?" Ok what?
"Ok, let's talk. Once you've got this…closure, we're done, right?"
I try not to think about the fact that she's talking about my closure, not hers. Probably she doesn't need it. And I try not to think at the fact that she seems eager to be done with me. I don't want to think about that. I think that she's being this harsh to offend me, maybe she's trying to make me angry, so we'll start to yell at each other. But I'm focused on the final goal and I won't let my hurt pride get in the way. If she wants to be left alone after all the things that I need to tell her, I'll leave her alone.
"Yes, we're done for good". I use her same words and I appreciate the fact that she wasn't expecting them and her eyes betray some…feeling.
She withdraws her feet from the water, maybe they're getting too cold, the sun is disappearing behind the highest trees, but there's still plenty of light. She takes a big breath.
"Shoot."
This is the moment I've been waiting for the last five years, and I'm not ready for it. I don't know where to start.
"I'm…I'm sorry…" My voice sounds strange…fragile….the heaviness of these words is enormous. But, when I look at her, she's laughing.
"Really? This is the big thing you wanted to tell me?"
"Fuck you Alex, this is not easy…"
"Well, it does look like it. You've said it, now aren't we supposed to be good?" She's not moving a muscle. I still know her well enough to recognize when she's saying something but she means something else. This is the case.
"Do you accept my apologies?" I look straight at her.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Of course not" she says with a laugh. But it's clear that she's not amused.
"Then we're far from being done"
Silence. She's looking at the water stream with her hand on the forehead. I see her breathing from here.
"Alex, please, can we talk about it? I don't want to fight with you, but you're making it impossible" I try to use the softest voice that I have. I want her to understand that this is not a battle. We've both already lost the war.
"Do you know what you did to me? Do you really think that you can come here and fix everything with a vague apology?" Now she's looking at me again.
"Of course not. But, that's the problem. I know I've fucked up, like big time fucked up, but I don't really know how it has affected you. Do you blame me for what Aydin did to you? Do you hate me for the Stella thing? I don't know anything about you anymore, so no, I don't know what to be sorry for precisely, if I don't know how my actions may have affected you…All I know is that I'm really sorry. For everything. And the guilt has eating me alive, I just hope that now, after all this time, some kind of redemption is possible" I can feel the burning sensation in the back of my eyes. I'm going to start crying really soon. My heart is literally on my hands, she can do whatever she wants to do with it.
Alex has her eyes fixed on the water, it's like se can't look at me when I speak. I know this is hard for the both of us, so why can't she be less stubborn?
This dance between us is killing me. Back and forth, good and evil. I'm confused and tired, but also really determined. I didn't know how much it was important for me until I saw her face again. It exploded in me.
"It's not your fault...about Aydin…" Her soft words hit me like a tsunami. I can't control myself and a tear runs down my face, but I'm not going to cry.
"What if I didn't report you to your parole officer?" It hurts, but I need to know the truth.
"Kubra was already on my back, he would have got to me, one way or another. Probably you saved my life"
"But I didn't believe you. Back at Litchfield, I thought you were…if only I just…"
"Are you trying to convince me that it's your fault?" Alex laughs again, but this time with a little bit of humour. I reply with a sad smile, it's the best I can do now.
"Not exactly, but I've spent so much time blaming myself, that I find it hard to believe that you don't blame me for everything that went wrong in your life…"
"Not everything is about you, Piper…"
Her words sting. She's right, I know that my ego needs to deflate. But a thought forcefully enters my mind and I can't shake it away.
"Yes, I know, but I wanted to be your everything…"
"Well, if that's what you wanted, you've made an awful job…" I know I did. I know it. That's what's killing me. But I cannot go deeper into this, or else I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to go on. And I'm so close, so so close to the truth, I can feel it.
"So, if you didn't blame me for your attack, than why didn't you talk to me or write me back once you were out of the infirmary?" I need to know.
"Sometimes I wonder if you're real of this is just a fucking prank. Are you really asking me why I didn't contact you?"
"Yes, I am. Did you even read my letters?" Why is she so upset?
"Oh god. Here we are again, everything is always about you…" she's rolling her eyes and she's getting pissed, I know, but I'm getting pissed too. Why can't she be clear once and for all?
"I'm a different person now, I know I've been an asshole, but why do you think I'm still here, after all this time, trying my best to make amends? I'm lying to everyone, I'm lying to my fiancé, for god's sake. This has to mean something to you…"
"No, it doesn't. It's always like this with you. You haven't changed a bit…you're a master when it comes to shifting responsibilities "
"What the hell do you mean by that?" We are too far. I feel the need to jump into the stream and reach her on the rock and…shake her. But I stay put.
"Do it. Just fucking do it. Tell Martha who I am. Kubra is dead, I'm not in witness protection anymore. I just said it so you would leave me the fuck alone. That's what I was about to tell you in the cabin. And now I'm giving you my blessing. Tell Martha who I am. Tell anyone who I am, for all that matter. I'm willing to deal with the shit storm that's coming my way, just do it"
She's on her feet. Flushed. Fists closed and white knuckles. And I'm dying inside because…what she has just told me… I can't… I don't want… she's right….
I'm standing too, now. But I'm not looking at her. I can't. She has just killed me.
"You know I can't…" Is that my voice? Why does it sound so soft and defeated?
"And why can't you, Piper?"
I find the force to raise my eyes and look at her.
"Now it's too late to tell her who you are, she wouldn't understand…"
"So, are you lying to protect me or to protect you?"
"To protect the BOTH of us!" Now I'm close to screaming and I realize that my feet are in the water, shoes, socks and all. But I need to get closer to her. She's in the water too, the shallow stream touches her calf.
"Bullshit! You could blame me. Tell her that it's all my fault and that I asked you to lie…"
"It's not just that…"
"Than what is it? What is it that she couldn't possibly understand?"
How can I make her understand?
"Us! Alex, she wouldn't understand us!"
"There's no us" Her answer is fast and cold.
"What we were. What we had. She knows…."
"Everyone has an ex, Piper…" She interrupts me.
"This is different"
"How so?"
We're not yelling anymore.
"Alex…" Why does she want me to talk about this? This is not how it was supposed to go.
"Tell me Piper, didn't you want to talk? Let's talk" I need to remember to take a breath. I'm talking from the heart, just the heart.
"You are not like the others. You are different…"
"Why?"
"Because I… I loved you. I loved you so much, like I've never loved anyone else, Alex…" This is it. The truth.
"I don't believe it" A striking light through my body would hurt less.
"Al- - Alex…what?"
"It's bullshit. What you're saying, it's bullshit…" No, no, no, no, no, this is not happening.
"How can you say that?" yes, I'm pissed.
"Because I don't believe you" Her face, she's so…I'd like to slap her. Hard.
"What the fuck Alex?"
Again with her fucking ironic laugh.
"You've said you loved me, but you've never loved me" There it is, the last straw. In two steps I'm in her personal space I grab her arms with both my hands. And I squeeze, I don't care if I hurt her.
"How can you fucking say that? After everything we went through…" I'm definitely crying right now. She mirrors my position and her hands are squeezing my arms too.
"After everything I went through. I was the one who was waiting for you to choose between me and Larry, I was the one you chose not to choose…"
"I was scared, I was confused… You named me Alex, you brought me to prison…I did realize my mistake when I chose Larry, but it was too late"
"Was it? Or were you just scared of being alone?"
"Maybe at the beginning, but then I wasn't alone anymore… I had friends there, people who cared for me…you know that…"
"You never did anything for me" Her face is like a stone, but her eyes are on fire.
"Really? What did I do in Chicago? You told me to lie to save your ass and I did it. I did it, just for you…"
"You cheated on me, Piper, in the moment I needed you the most. You told me I had nothing to worry about, and I saw you kissing that dumb bitch 10 minutes after that. It wasn't the cheating, it was the lie. You lied in my face. In the face of the girl you're saying you loved. You were my person, Piper. I loved you. I did fucking love you. I was so scared, so paranoid, and you got tired of your little toy. That's why I've never called or write back. You don't care Piper, you never did, and I'm glad that now you're changed and all, but I cannot believe you."
The tears are running down my face, my nails are still digging into her arms and my vision is blurred. She's turning her face on the left, avoiding my eyes. Is she crying too?
"Alex…."
"Let me go" She tries to break free, but I won't let her.
"Alex…I didn't know…. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. Please believe me at least this one time. Why would I try to make amends after all this time if I didn't care for you? Why do you think I didn't tell Martha who you are? It's still important, you're still important…"
"You said before that I was just a loose end…"
"You will never be just a loose end"
"You said it. You lied to me two minutes ago"
"I just said what I thought you wanted to hear. Otherwise you'd never have this talk with me. Tell me if I'm wrong…"
We're screaming at each other's face. The sun is almost set and the darkness is slowly surrounding us. I cannot live with the thought that Alex thinks that I've never loved her.
She stays silent for a few seconds before speaking in a lower tone.
"You're right. But that doesn't change the fact that I still don't believe you"
"So what? Was I faking it? Was I faking my love for you? How can you say that? You were there…we kissed, we fucked, some things cannot be faked."
"How can you prove it?"
"How can YOU prove it, Alex?"
Her eyes are melting mine.
"I can show you how I fake it"
And her lips crash into mine. Hard. Her hands are strong on both sides of my face, in case I try to pull away. But how can I possibly pull away? I'm paralyzed.
She pushes her body against mine, I step back, out of the water and my back hits the trunk of the oak. I don't know how I'm still standing.
She's hurting me. Her body is burning mine. Her kisses are hard. Lips on lips. Lips on teeth. Teeth on lips, pulling. Tongue on teeth. I open my mouth. Terrible mistake.
Her tongue crushes into mine as her thigh presses hard between my legs.
Thank god for the black out in my brain.
The kiss ends just as fast as it started.
Alex takes a step back from me. She's angry. I know these kisses. I cannot think about them, but I know them. And I know her eyes right now. They are turned to stone, she's about to throw some poison at me. Her hands are on her short pockets. I brace myself.
"You wanted closure? There you have it."
I still don't say anything. I can't. I know she's going to hurt me anyway.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" She adds with all the disgust she's capable of, I do not move a muscle, heart included.
She's looking ahead, but I'm staring at her, my eyes glued to her features. I know that this is what she needs to keep going on with her life, to transform me in some two-headed monster with a magnetic pussy. But I don't care about it. I see through the bullshit. And I'm feeling already guilty enough. So when I reply
"It takes one to know one" I watch closely as she takes the hit. Her head snaps in my direction, she's ready to kill me. But there's one thing she doesn't know: I'm the one in it for the kill. Like a lioness with her prey, she's just showed me her jugular, so I bite.
And I kiss her again. Nothing like the way she kissed me. No, that was nothing compared to this. That was impulse, passion, confusion, anger. This is deliberately slow, this is how you kill.
I found no resistance when my lips meet with hers. Not even a second of resistance. So much for her hatred. My hands are at the sides of her face. Her hands are still on her shorts. I'm the one controlling it and I have no intention of rushing things. I know this is probably the last time we will see each other, so I don't want to live my life with regrets. I want to close this chapter of my life for good. She may need anger, resentment, pain to get over this, but it will never work. It's a lie.
This is how I want to remember Alex Vause. With my lips on her upper lip, not moving, and my hands on her cheeks, not moving. My eyes are closed and all my nerves are on alert. I want to remember every little detail.
I'm taking my sweet time. She's not resisting, but she's not even moving. I don't care, she was leading our previous kiss, I'm leading this. So I move my lips to her lower lip. Barely touching, but increasing pressure, trying to remember the shape, the consistence, the heat. I feel her lips tremble; she's probably trying to find the courage to escape.
I need my heart to stop beating so fast, so I can have a clear mind. I will never have this moment again. As they taught me in meditation, breathing is the key. So I inhale and I breathe her in. Her smell, her essence. I keep on kissing her lips. Well, it's not really a kiss, I'm just caressing her lips with mine, my eyes are closed. Maximum concentration. She's letting me kiss her. She doesn't want to be a part of this, I get it. This is way too much. But she's not running away.
Her hands are always on her pockets. My fingertips are still on the sides of her face. My lips are softly pressing on her lower lip, when I feel it.
I slowly open my eyes and I see it. Her eyes are open, pupils dilated and they are piercing through my eyes, through my soul. She's watching me kissing her.
This thought sends a shiver through my body, more than when her thigh was pressed between my legs. I am unable to move. It's almost a cathartic moment. I feel like this is an upside-down battle, the softer the touch, the deeper the cut. Her eyes are green, mysterious and primal like the woods. There's a light in them, a dangerous one and I swear I can see the fireflies reflected on them.
I can't stand her stare for too long. She's stronger than me. But I know I hit her just as hard as she did, when I close my eyes again and I move slightly to the right. My lips never leave her skin, not even for a second, but my fingertips are moving now. And caressing that spot. She knows I know. I feel her exhale.
I've been thinking about it since the first day I saw her. At the beginning, it was just another "new" thing about her. A curiosity. But then I couldn't stop thinking about it, and finally Nicky gave me the answer I already knew. And now I'm replacing my fingertips with my mouth, and I'm kissing the tiny long scar on her left cheek.
She knows why I want this. She knows why I need it. Every time my lips touch her skin, I'm begging her for forgiveness, I'm telling her I'm sorry, I'm telling her all the things I wanted to tell her before, but couldn't. A kiss for all the times I didn't believe her, a kiss for Stella, twenty kisses for the shovel who broke her cheekbone, a thousand kisses for the time I left her after Diane's death.
She knows it. And I think this is painful for the both of us. I don't need her forgiveness, I just want to apologize. I need to apologize. I slowly push away from her. Our lips touching probably for the last time.
"I hate you" she says without conviction.
"No, you don't" I reply mirroring some words from an ancient time. And like that, I turn around and I'm gone.
Tears start to run, but when they reach my mouth, they find a little smile.
Goodbye Alex, goodbye my love.
Now, this is closure.
A/N: Spoiler Alert: It's not closure.
Hi dear lovely beautiful readers, it's been 84 years… I know. And I'm sorry. Like really really sorry, but life was super intense and I didn't want to rush this chapter, I think you know why. Actually, I didn't plan for the kiss to happen so soon, but while I was writing, I couldn't think about anything else. Maybe it's the spring? The hormones? The Adele concert? I don't know. The thing is, they kissed, and this time, for real. Kind of. But yeah, their lips touched. For real.
Can you forgive me for being so late? Pretty please? Was it worth the wait?
So, this chapter is dedicated to all the people who are reviewing/favoriting/following/PMing this little child of mine. Really, I'm blown away by your support.
To all the worried guests…I'm here, and the story in my head is still pretty long, I hope you're into long stories…soon the camp will be over and we will go back to NY!
I'm pretty preoccupied for all the people who are going crazy or hitting their head while reading Fireflies (Olivia, still alive?). I feel like a drug dealer, a very happy one!
VonZeppy, Ejm137, Skullerfly420, MS982, mintgreenclarity, Disney, Alessia, wb79, ozisoz, rjvause, sandfromoz, oliveolives, swizzlesticks101, Becks310, sweetlikevanillais, faecym, shadymaze, the nostromo, MarleneRoux001, Anouk79 – I've got an altar with all your names and I do worship you before going to bed. Thank you so much.
Ayla – I'm honored that you review, believe me, I'm no one, you're amazing.
Melissaraysla2 – Nooo you didn't come out a little harsh! I laughed a lot reading your reviews. They're fantastic, really…the holy graal of all fanfictions on the planet? Maaaan!
Brennan8319 –Thank you! I hope I'm returning the favor…your stories are amazing!
Sekai Kuroi – What if I give you the little spoon in the future? Will you forgive me?
Izzielg – Wooow! I love those books!
Ganyros – I like the risk!
Bobbiejelly – Yes! Exactly! I wanted to show how Alex was conflicted too! And thanks for the Aladdin reference…love it!
Librarybook – I wait all day to read my favourite fics, and thinking that someone does that with mine is mindblowing! Thanks!
Jonna66 – Was it long enough?
Bleekblock – your reviews are honey for my ego!
Prooffice – Wow, thanks! I really wanted to give the camp atmosphere because, well, I love it!
Vauseman43 – you check daily? Oh, poor soul! I'm feeling guilty!
Queen Vause – Only a girl with the nickname "queen vause" could understand the Alex POV! Congrats. The sex is coming, like the winter.