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Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho

Pipadae

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Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

I'd also like to say that I really, really, wanted to call this chapter, "I'll Get You, Ryoka, and Your Zanpakuto, Too." Unfortunately, it was too long of a title, and FF wouldn't allow it. Curses.

13. Have Renji chase Ichigo through the streets of Seireitei, yelling, "I'll get you, ryoka!"

Ichigo ran through the streets, his heart pounding in his chest. He slid to a halt behind a corner, looking around for any signs of possible danger. It had been bad enough to be pursued all over Seireitei when he had snuck in to rescue Rukia, but now, months later, it was worse because it was his friends doing the chasing.

"Ryoka!" Renji's voice screamed. "Get back here!"

Ichigo tore down a new road. To any onlookers, it appeared as if the red-headed man had lost his memories, maybe a repeat of a certain incident involving two kids from Rukongai, Rukia Kuchiki, and a very nasty hollow. Or perhaps, the bystander would think, this is some sort of awkward time-traveling confrontation between the two. Either way, the truth was about to become apparent, as Renji had managed to blow through a wall and tackle his ginger-haired friend.

"RYOKA!" he howled. "I've got you at last! Come quietly or I'll fight you to the death!"

"Renji," came the muffled reply. "You're squishing me. And besides, Yama-jii isn't here, idiot."

Renji sat up, revealing a rather miffed Ichigo. "Oh. Sorry, Ichigo. Still, practice makes perfect."

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Yamamoto was sitting peacefully in his office. Despite the odd encounter with his two least favorite shinigami the previous day, he felt as if today might go well. It was far into the afternoon, and still there had been no disturbances. Feeling serene, he yawned, stretched and padded out of his office for a good cup of tea.

Suddenly, the loud crack, crack! of wood smacking wood could be heard echoing throughout Seireitei. The alarm, signaling a major disruption within the shinigami fortress. Another ryoka? Though, what could be worse than Ichigo Kurosaki and friends, Yamamoto didn't know, but an alarm was troubling nonetheless.

Then, to make matters worse, Abarai-fukutaicho burst through the door.

"Yamamoto-soutaicho! There is a ryoka loose in Seireitei!"

"A ryoka? Has anyone recognized its reiatsu?"

"No, sir!"

Yamamoto wrinkled his brow. "Very well. I hereby put the sixth squad in charge of capturing the ryoka. Bring him in for questioning."

"Yes, sir!" Renji bowed and ran from the room.

…

Not half an hour later, a stressed Ichigo burst through Yamamoto's window, looking rather hassled. He landed hard in the center of the room, turning around and pulling out his zanpakuto in one movement.

"Kurosaki, what do you think you are-" Yamamoto started, but was cut off as Renji jumped in through the same window.

"I have you now, ryoka boy!" the red-haired vice captain shouted. He drew his zanpakuto and with a cry of, "Howl!" attacked Ichigo.

Yamamoto sweatdropped. What were the hooligans doing now?

Ichigo parried Renji's clumsy attack and kicked his opponent's shin. "Never!" he cried melodramatically. "I will rescue Rukia, and nothing you can do will stop me!"

He thrust his sword at Renji, and the latter let it slide between his arm and torso. Wailing, he fell to the ground, the giant sword still squeezed between limb and chest. "You have slain me!" he screamed, the collapsed, eyes closed and mouth lolling open.

Ichigo drew his sword from the "body", and wiped it clean on Yamamoto's floor. The old man reminded himself to have the substitute pay for a carpet cleaning, among other things. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Ichigo screeching, "I'm coming, Rukia!" and jumping out the window once more.

Renji looked up from the floor, his eyes filled with shame. "I-I'm sorry, soutaicho. I have…failed…you." He closed his eyes once more, and 'died' on the soutaicho's floor.

Yamamoto was not amused. He rolled his eyes, and barked, "Get off my floor, Abarai-fukutaicho."

Renji didn't move a muscle.

Yamamoto tried again. "Get up!"

Not even a twitch.

The old man sighed. This was going to be very hard to explain if anyone important walked in.

I quite like this one, actually. Now review, or Renji will come 'die' on your floor, too.