As always, your reviews are deeply appreciated. They really keep me going when I get stuck.
This is a long one - covers the book up until just before Edward hears Renesmee. I can't believe we are so close to the birth!
Thank you, as always, to beta lada_8 for her support.
Songs for this chapter:
Never Say Never, The Fray
21 Guns, Green Day
Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.
I memorized Bella that night as I lay next to her in the bed. The way her skin felt under my hand as I stroked her face again and again. The gentle breeze of her breath against my neck when she rolled into my embrace. The warm pressure of her leg pressed up against mine. Each was something I had experienced a thousand times before, and yet it all still took my breath away, as miraculous as the first time.
When Bella woke, her face was very pale. I was sure her ribs had grown extremely sore during the night. Large, purple bruises showed from under the tape all up her rib cage and around her back. Her expression was grim, but set, as if she was determined to get through another day. To make it through another day.
Rosalie and Alice helped Bella take a shower, and I decided to cook breakfast while I waited for her. I hoped that Bella would be hungry this morning, and I was sure Jacob would be if he ever woke up. I made some dough for cinnamon rolls, something I had made for Bella on the Island, and while it rested I started some bacon and chopped up mushrooms and onions for omelets. Bella loved mushrooms.
Everything was finished when Bella came down from the shower. "God, that felt fantastic," she said as Rosalie set her on the couch. She was pink and glowing from the hot water in the shower, and the scent of strawberries rose off her freshly dried hair, mixing with her own scent, an intoxicating blend.
"I made you breakfast, love," I said. "Are you hungry?"
"Absolutely," she laughed. "Thank you." I set a plate of food on her lap, and Carlisle came downstairs with a cup of blood.
"This is so good," moaned Bella, eating the omelet. Then she shivered. "Oh, I have the chills." Carlisle's forehead wrinkled slightly in concern as he glanced down at her. Suddenly, I caught someone approaching.
I hope he's there, thought Seth, approaching fast in wolf form. He and Leah were worried they had never heard from Jacob.
"Seth is coming," I said. I went in the kitchen to prepare him a plate of food – if he was anything like Jacob, he would be hungry. Seth changed quickly outside into the fresh clothes Esme had laid out for him, and then knocked softly.
Carlisle opened the door as much as Jacob's body would allow, and Seth stuck his head in and laughed in relief.
"He's still sleeping? Unbelievable." Jacob rolled onto his back and began to snore. Seth snorted, and then stepped in the door and prodded him with his foot. Jacob rolled back onto his side and Seth laughed again, glancing around the room.
"Ohh, is that breakfast," he asked, eyes lighting up.
"Yes, Seth. Please stay and eat," said Esme. "And there is plenty for your sister as well."
Oh, shoot, forgot all about Leah, he thought. "I guess I should take some food to her, first," he said reluctantly. I handed him the plate and went to fill another. He ran out into the woods and, after undressing carefully, phased.
I've got food, Leah, he crowed.
Food? What about Jacob?
Oh, he's fine! He's still sleeping. Please, Leah, come and eat – it looks amazing!
I'd rather eat roadkill! So I'm out patrolling while Jake is all curled up asleep at the bloodsuckers' and you're eating their food? She was furious with disbelief.
Aww Leah, I haven't eaten anything!
Not yet! You two are unbelievable! Damn vampire lovers.
I sat next to Bella, smiling at the exchange. She raised her eyebrows at me, but I just shook my head. Seth phased back, disappointed, and returned still carrying the plate.
"Um," he said, looking at me.
"Don't worry about it, Seth," I said. "Sit down and eat." I felt another shiver run through Bella, and quickly removed my arm from around her. "Are you still cold, sweetheart?"
"Sort of," she admitted.
"I'll sit with her," offered Seth. "I'm like a walking electric blanket." He sat down on the other side of the couch and put his arm around her.
"Oh, you are so hot," said Bella, snuggling into him.
"Don't I know it," Seth laughed. Bella punched him in the ribs. Jacob shifted and started snoring loudly again.
"Wow, how did you guys stand that all night?" Seth said, laughing loudly. "Especially with your super hearing."
"Shh," giggled Bella. "You'll wake him up."
But Jacob groaned and rolled over. His first conscious thought was the burning smell in his nose. The pillow. Esme had insisted on putting it under his head during the night. I had suspected he would not appreciate the gesture. At least Carlisle had been able to stop her from covering him with a blanket as well.
"About time," muttered Rosalie. "The chainsaw impersonation was getting a little tired." Bella stifled a laugh.
Jacob's eyes slowly opened. He was unhappy to wake up on the floor, and then even more unhappy to see Seth with his arm around Bella, enjoying breakfast. His teeth clenched, his eyes trained on Seth's arm. What the hell?
"He came to find you," I said, feeling suddenly defensive of Seth. "And Esme convinced him to stay for breakfast."
Seth was looking at Jacob, whose face was stiff and unhappy. Oh man, he thought. "Yeah, Jake – I was just checking to see if you were okay 'cause you didn't ever phase back," he quickly explained. "Leah got worried. I told her you probably just crashed human, but you know how she is. Anyway, they had all this food and, dang, man you can cook," he said, looking at me.
"Thank you," I said quietly, watching Jacob. His eyes hadn't moved from Seth's arm on Bella, and he let out a long breath. A bit possessive, are we? I knew the feeling.
"Bella got cold," I said softly.
Seth's eyes flickered back to Jacob. Okay, then…right. I think she's warmer now. And if I don't want to run patrol for the next 24 hours straight… He pulled his arm off Bella and continued eating, staring down at his plate.
Jacob stood up, looking around warily. He approached Seth, eyes flickering to Bella several times.
"Leah running patrol?" he asked. He eyed Seth's clothing. New.
"Yeah," Seth answered. "She's on it. No worries. She'll howl if there's anything. We traded off around midnight." He smiled proudly. "I ran twelve hours."
"Midnight?" Jacob gasped, shocked. "Wait a minute – what time is it now?"
"'Bout dawn."
Well, damn. "Crap. Sorry about that, Seth. Really. You shoulda kicked me awake."
I tried, Seth thought with amusement. "Naw, man, you needed some serious sleep. You haven't taken a break since when? Night before your last patrol for Sam? Like forty hours? Fifty?" Seth sighed. "You're not a machine, Jake. 'Sides, you didn't miss anything at all."
Nothing at all? Jacob turned to look at Bella fully. Color better. Lips pink. Hair shiny. He thought she looked a lot better. In some ways, he was right.
"How's the rib?" he asked.
"Taped up nice and tight," she said brightly. "I don't even feel it." My teeth clenched, and I turned away - I knew it was hurting her to even breathe deeply.
"What's Leah having for breakfast?" Jacob snapped at Seth.
"Hey, I took food to her before I ate anything," Seth said quickly. "She said she'd rather eat roadkill, but I bet she caves. These cinnamon rolls…" He took a large bite and groaned.
"I'll go hunt with her, then," Jacob said stiffly.
Of course, thought Seth, sighing again.
"A moment, Jacob?" Carlisle had come down.
Jacob turned swiftly towards him. "Yeah?"
"Speaking of hunting," Carlisle said. "That's going to be an issue for my family." Upstairs, Jasper and Emmett stilled, listening intently. "I understand that our previous truce is inoperative at the moment, so I wanted your advice." Surprise swept over Jacob's face. "Will Sam be hunting for us outside of the perimeter you've created? We don't want to take a chance with hurting any of your family – or losing any of ours. If you were in our shoes, how would you proceed?"
What would I know about being in a bloodsucker's expensive shoes? Jacob thought. But he considered the question seriously. "It's a risk. Sam's calmed down some, but I'm pretty sure that in his head, the treaty is void. As long as he thinks the tribe, or any other human, is in real danger, he's not going to ask questions first, if you know what I mean. But, with all that, his priority is going to be La Push. There really aren't enough of them to keep a decent watch on the people while putting out hunting parties big enough to do much damage. I'd bet he's keeping it close to home."
Carlisle nodded.
"So I guess I'd say, go out together, just in case," Jacob finally went on. "And probably you should go in the day, 'cause we'd be expecting night. Traditional vampire stuff. You're fast – go over the mountains and hunt far enough away that there's no chance he'd send anyone that far from home."
"And leave Bella behind, unprotected?" Carlisle asked concerned.
Jasper hissed upstairs. Absolutely not.
Over my dead body, thought Rosalie.
"What are we, chopped liver?" asked Jacob.
Carlisle, smiled, but he knew we would never leave Bella unattended. And he had other concerns as well. "Jacob, you can't fight against your brothers," he said gently.
Jacob's expression was hard. "I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard, but if they were really coming to kill her – I would be able to stop them." I squeezed Bella's hand – her eyes were wide and sad.
"No, I didn't mean that you would be… incapable. But that it would be very wrong. I can't have that on my conscience."
"It wouldn't be on yours, Doc. It would be on mine. And I can take it."
"No, Jacob." Carlisle was determined it would not come to that. "We will make sure that our actions don't make that a necessity." How many can adequately defend?
"There need to be at least four of us here," said Jasper softly from upstairs. "Three at the absolute least."
Carlisle's eyes met mine for a fraction of a second. As long as we avoid the wolves, they probably won't attack the house as they won't realize our numbers are down. "We'll go three at a time," he said slowly. "That's probably the best we can do."
"I don't know, Doc. Dividing down the middle isn't the best strategy."
"We've got some extra abilities that will even it up. If Edward is one of the three, he'll be able to give us a few miles radius of safety."
My head rang for a moment, and I stared at Carlisle in utter disbelief. How could he possible think I would ever dream of leaving Bella, leaving her miles behind to go hunt in the mountains? I needed to be here, by her side, always, for at any moment…My jaw tightened and I clenched Bella's hand a little too tightly.
Carlisle eyes widened slightly. I thought it might be a good idea for you to hunt, to prepare for the birth. I hardened my expression. Of course, sorry, Edward.
"I'm sure there are other ways too," he said quickly to Jacob. Perhaps Alice should go with both groups.
After settling things with Seth, and being pressed into taking food and clothes to Leah by Esme, Jacob left. Seth followed quickly afterward, promising to return after some sleep. As soon as he left, Bella started shivering.
Carlisle placed a hand on her forehead.
"You have a fever, Bella," he murmured. Low grade. About 100.5. He glanced up at me with worried eyes. Infection?
Cold panic rose inside me. An infection? The thought was terrifying. Somewhere internal, where something had been damaged. Somewhere we couldn't reach. It would be a nightmare on top of everything else.
Bella became increasingly uncomfortable over the course of the morning. After we got her dressed in a warm sweatshirt and covered with a blanket, she became hot and sweaty. I sat with her to try to cool her off, but she started shivering again.
Her ribs were growing more bruised and sore. Every time she moved, you could see the pain behind her eyes. Her breaths were shallow. She could not fight the groans that escaped her lips when it moved inside her.
She was miserable, although she would never admit it.
As the long day spread out before us, we tried to keep Bella's mind off the pain. Emmett came down and chatted and teased her for a while. Alice put on a small fashion show of clothes she had purchased while we were away on the Island. I read to her aloud for a little while from "Pride and Prejudice".
Seth returned a few hours later, after sleeping as a wolf nearby. It wasn't nearly enough sleep, but we were so glad to see him no one said anything. He and Bella played some card games together, and then a couple of board games – Scrabble, and a Trivial Pursuit game someone had once given Carlisle as a Christmas present. She absolutely refused to play any games with me or my family – she claimed the only way she could ever win would be if we threw the game. Seth, however, had no reservations about beating her if he could.
Halfway through the second game of Scrabble, Bella shivered under my arm. I nodded at Seth, and then stood up carefully, as he moved into my place. Bella sighed contentedly, and then melted into his warmth.
As I went to sit in the chair by the couch, there was a loud crash from upstairs. Everyone's heads twisted in alarm, but I immediately knew what it was.
"It's OK," I said. "It's just Emmett and Jasper wrestling upstairs."
Tattletale, thought Emmett, who had Jasper in a head lock.
I heard a sharp intake of breath. Esme's face was frozen in horror.
"Wrestling?" she said, her voice higher than normal. "In the house?"
"Well, they're just a little stir-crazy, Esme," I said. There was another huge crash above us, and Emmett swore loudly. Esme leapt to her feet.
"Stir crazy!" she said, her voice now several octaves too high. She turned and raced up the stairs. Carlisle jogged up after her.
I could see that Jasper had Emmett in a three quarter nelson outside the bedroom. They broke apart quickly when they saw Esme, but the damage was done. Esme surveyed the wreckage. A table broken, a lamp smashed, and a hole the size of Emmett's large foot in the wall in the hallway.
"Clean up now, please!" trilled Esme.
They came downstairs a few minutes later with a jingling trash bag and an armful of wooden pieces.
"If you going to act like moronic children," snapped Rosalie sarcastically, "why don't you go outside and see who can run around the house 500 times the fastest."
"Great idea!" said Emmett. "I've got a lot of pent up energy to burn off these days, if you know what I mean." He raised his eyebrows at Rosalie, and she scowled. Emmett smiled widely and he and Jasper were out the door in a flash, depositing the trash and taking off around the house.
"Honestly," Alice groaned. She was sitting perched on the couch next to Seth, her face smooth and relaxed. We watched the race. Bella said it just looked like blur to her, but I could see that Jasper was easily winning. He kept teasing Emmett, pausing until Emmett almost caught him and then taking off again.
Then Jasper waited a second too long for Emmett. With a war cry, Emmett launched himself at Jasper. They slammed together and rolled into the grass.
Seth laughed loudly. "This isn't so different than hanging out with the wolf pack!"
"Don't even say that," Rosalie hissed. Seth rolled his eyes.
"I think it was a compliment, Rose," laughed Bella. She squirmed uncomfortably next to Seth.
"Are you hot, sweatheart?" I asked. She shrugged a little.
Carlisle came over and touched Bella's forehead. Still low-grade.
"Your fever is still low, Bella," Carlisle said. "That is a good sign, I think. Whatever it is going on does not seem to be getting worse. Maybe you are just a little under the weather."
"I should go," murmured Seth, as I stood up to take his place at Bella's side. "Catch a little more sleep. Leah will wake me to take over at dusk."
"Oh no," cried Alice. The wolves presence was such a balm for the ache in her head. She grabbed Seth's leg with both hands. "Please don't go."
Seth looked down in surprise at her hands on his leg for a moment, and then glanced away, blushing slightly.
"Uhh," he said desperately.
"For god's sake, Alice," snapped Rosalie. "Let go of him."
Seth actually shot a grateful look at Rosalie. As Alice removed her hands he jumped up and headed towards the door.
"Thanks for everything, Seth," I said.
Carlisle appeared at the top of the stair. "Hold on, Seth," he said. He came down. "Let Jacob know that we are ready to go, as soon as he feels it's safe. Also, we are going to have to purchase some more blood for Bella. She is going through it very fast."
Seth blinked. "You can buy blood?" he asked.
"Yes, a physician can," said Carlisle.
Seth started to turn. "Seth," said Bella suddenly. "Please ask Jacob to stop by."
"Of course," smiled Seth, looking back.
Bella's eyes fell to the floor. "If he'll come," she mumbled.
"He'll come," Seth and I said in unison. I didn't think not coming was an option anymore for Jacob.
"And tell him to come as soon as possible, please," said Alice. She was stomping up the stairs with her arms crossed. "I'm sick of hanging out upstairs like a bat in the belfry."
"You mean a vampire bat," laughed Bella. But there was a worried crease between her eyes as she watched Alice go up the stairs.
Suddenly Bella gasped loudly, her hands gripping into fist, which she pressed to her face.
"Bella," I said, holding her shoulder.
"OK," she panted. "Just a little kick." I glanced at Carlisle in alarm. I didn't hear anything break, he thought.
Bella took a deep breath, and laid back, relaxing slightly.
"Uh, okay, goodbye," said Seth quietly. He was very pale. He gave one long look at Bella and left.
Carlisle watched Seth leave, and then glanced at me.
Have you talked to Bella yet?
I shook my head slowly. He sighed, and patted my shoulder.
"Esme, sweetheart, let's go up stairs for a while," he said, taking Esme's hand. He looked squarely at Rosalie. "Why don't you come, too?"
"Uh, no thanks," said Rose, looking surprised and irritated. Bella watched Carlisle with careful eyes, and then glanced at me. Carlisle took a step towards Rosalie and wrapped his hand around her arm.
"Please, Rosalie," he said in a low voice. Rosalie looked down at his grip on her – it wasn't loosening. She growled a little and then shrugged. She pulled away and stalked upstairs, planning to wait just around the corner.
Bella pulled the blanket over herself, holding it against her chin. Her eyes were on me, quiet and intense. I knelt down next to her and reached under the blanket, taking one of her hands in mine.
"Bella," I said, not looking up at her. I rubbed her palm with my thumbs nervously, massaging up and down gently over her skin, and then leaned over and slowly kissed each of her fingers. "Carlisle…I want to talk to you about when…" I couldn't bring myself to talk about the "birth". "He wanted to make sure I was 100% prepared for you to be changed, and I just wanted to talk to you about it, one more time." I felt like I was floundering, like the topic was too huge, with so many things unsaid.
"You know I'm ready, Edward," she said softly.
"Are you?" I asked her desperately. She nodded but I shook my head. "This isn't just because you've been forced into the situation, into something you can't get out of?"
"No, of course not," said Bella.
"It's just…it's just that I want so badly to save you, to keep you human, so you could do the things you want. So you could go to Dartmouth, go to college, see your friends and family." My throat closed up for a moment, the words choked in my mouth. "But Carlisle," I whispered. "He doesn't think that can happen." Anguish tore through me, and I pressed my face into my other hand. "It's not going to happen," I said roughly. "I'm so sorry."
Bella finger's squeezed against my hand. "I don't care about those things right now – college, Dartmouth. I will have so many years to do something like that, eventually. Because you will save me, Edward. Not in the way you want, I know, but you will. You won't let me go." She gripped my hand hard, as if I could save her by the sheer force of her will, if we hung on hard enough.
"You said you wanted to stay human, longer," I whispered, looking up at her. "I so wanted to give you that. I never wanted your decision to be forced. And now I've ruined it for you. I've taken away everything."
Bella pressed a hand to my head, gently smoothing down my hair.
"You haven't ruined anything, Edward," she said. "I did think I wanted to stay human longer. But things change, sometimes. Life changes. The little bit of time I might lose, the few experiences I might have to delay, by changing to a vampire now, are well worth the pay-off."
"But that's just it. Change. What you consider life won't be anymore. You won't change anymore. Frozen." I pressed my hand to her cheek. "And children," I whispered. "If…you won't be able to…" I shut my eyes briefly against the pain.
For now Bella would truly know what I was taking from her, making her like me, never able to change, never able to have a child. She would finally realize what would be lost. I wasn't sure if she ever truly had before.
And Bella was perfect. The child she could have created would have been perfect. It was my role in all this that destroyed everything. Behind my eyelids, I saw it. A child with Bella's soft, mahogany hair. With her endless, deep brown eyes. All ripped away. That child would never be, even if Bella did survive the birth and transformation.
"I will have this child," she said fiercely. I opened my eyes. She pulled her hands out of mine and cradled her stomach. "And if my actions do nothing else but save him, then I am willing to…to do anything."
To do anything. To die. Willing to die. Her words were agony. They were omnipresent, everywhere. They were the words that had been the undercurrent of everything that had been said, every action made, everything that had happened since we stepped off the plane from Isle Esme. She was willing to die for it.
Suddenly, a small but terrible, selfish part of me wanted to reach for her, to press my face to her chest, and beg her as I had before. Don't go, Bella. Don't leave me here. I'm lost, I'm a broken shell, a fathomless void of despair and sadness, without you.
Careful, Edward. Jasper, sensing my distress, had moved noiselessly to the top of the stairs, and sent a wave of calm into me. I let it soothe the raging emotions. She was already getting upset, and I couldn't hurt her more.
"I just wanted to be sure," I mumbled.
Bella took a deep breath, and then winced with pain. She exhaled slowly, her cheeks paling. She grabbed my hand and held it against her chest. "I want this. Like I wanted you when we first met. Like I wanted us to make love while I was human. I know you're scared, and I'm sorry." A small sob escaped her. "And you were scared all those other times, too. But I want this. I'm ready to be changed. For you, for him, for our family." She gestured towards the upstairs, and then rubbed her stomach lightly, still grasping my hand against her.
I lowered my head, and the last of my barriers crumbled away. The calm from Jasper was leaving me, but now, finally, I let resignation, and then acceptance wash through me. This was going to happen. She was not going to change her mind. There would be no early, proactive procedure to preserve her life, or humanity. As sure as the sun rising, this birth would happen, while we waited, in its own time. Bring what may, Bella's human life would be over. I yielded to the inevitability, and it sunk into me, like steel talons, its hold painful but permanent.
"Ok, Bella," I whispered, squeezing her hand. "I understand." We sat in silence for a few moments. I thought of something.
Bella," I said gently, "perhaps you should rethink your phone calls to Charlie."
"Oh no," she said. "He's too worried. He needs to hear from me. But I am thinking of telling him I am going to Europe, or something, for special treatment for the disease, to explain why I can't see him for so long."
"And after that?" I asked cautiously. I knew she had always harbored a hope that she could see Charlie again, and I was truly doubtful that could ever be a reality.
"Well, I've been thinking about when Jake told me, or really didn't tell me, about being a werewolf. Even though it was against the rules for him to let me know, I was able to guess. He gave me the info that he could, and I worked it out on my own." She sighed. "Obviously, I'll look different. So, when I come back to see him, I'll just let Charlie come to his own conclusions, which will probably be wrong, and he should be safe. And hopefully we will be able to keep seeing each other."
I looked at her carefully, trying to determine if this was actually something she thought possible. But does it really matter? First she would have to make it to the transformation, and the chances of that… I looked down for a moment, gathering myself, and then leaned over and kissed Bella's forehead. She was too hot again.
"Ok, love" I murmured. "Why don't you try to get some sleep now?"
"No," she said. "I want to stay awake a little longer, to wait for Jake. I feel like I need to see him, before I sleep." She turned her head to look up at the ceiling. "I need to see his face."
A small piece of me twisted uncomfortably at these words. I tried to press the feeling away. And where was Jacob? I felt a rush of annoyance. Didn't he realize Bella was waiting?
Bella glanced at my face with worried eyes. "Do you really think he will come?"
"Of course, love," I said, kissing her cheek softly.
Time ticked by slowly. Bella became more exhausted but would not sleep. I knew she was waiting for Jacob. She ate a small amount of dinner, and drank several cups of blood. This caused her to have to go to the bathroom several times. I watched as Bella, grimacing, asked Rosalie to take her again. I knew her ribs and growing bruises made the movement excruciating. Rosalie picked her up gently, and I watched them disappear into the hall.
I could hear Jacob some ways out, heading towards the house. Finally, I thought.
He was wondering why he kept coming back. What am I, stupid? Am I some kind of masochist?
No, I thought. You're in love with her. And she wants to see you. And so there is no other place you would be.
Esme sat down next to me.
"I know it was hard for you to talk to Bella today, Edward, about changing her." Her voice was quiet, sympathetic. "But I am so glad that you did. I'm proud of you."
Proud of me? I groaned incredulously and pressed my face into my hands. Proud that I had the courage to talk to my wife about ending her natural life, if the creature I spawned didn't kill her first?
"I'm nothing to be proud of, Esme," I said gruffly. She wrapped an arm around me.
"Yes, you are, Edward," she said, squeezing me tightly. "Yes, you are."
"Jacob is coming," I muttered.
"I know," she said quietly. We sat in silence, waiting for Jacob, Esme's arm still around me. I could hear Bella's breath coming short, her gasps of pain, as she tried to move around in the bathroom.
Jacob strode through the door without knocking. Immediately he froze, his mind and body tight with panic when he didn't see Bella on the couch. Afraid he was too late.
"She's all right," I said softly, not looking up. No, that wasn't really true. "Or, the same, I should say."
"Hello, Jacob," Esme said. "I'm so glad you came back." She squeezed my arm one more time, and then went upstairs to find Carlisle.
"Me, too," Alice said from the top of the stairs, the pain in her mind melting away as she drew closer to Jacob. God, I love werewolves, she thought. Boy, Jasper would just love that sentiment.
"Uh, hey," said Jacob awkwardly. "Where's Bella?"
"Bathroom," said Alice briefly. "Mostly fluid diet, you know. Plus, the whole pregnancy thing does that to you, I hear." I clenched my teeth. What, had she been reading Rosalie's baby books now?
Chill out, Edward, Alice thought.
I could hear Bella and Rosalie coming out of the bathroom. Ugh, something stinks, Rosalie thought. They came around the corner and saw Jacob. Oh, and it's the worst one, too.
"Oh, wonderful," she said.
But Bella's eye widened and a flush crept up her face as her smile brightened with delight.
She looks like a kid on Christmas morning, thought Jacob. As if I am bringing her the greatest gift ever. It's so unfair.
Believe me, Jacob, I thought bitterly. Life isn't fair.
"Jacob," Bella sighed. "You came."
"Hi, Bells."
Rosalie laid Bella on the couch, moving as slow as she possibly could, trying to keep Bella's body as still as possible. Still, Bella paled visibly, and I waited, terrified her injuries might be aggravated. I reached over, brushing back her hair from her face, judging her temperature. She felt clammy, but her fever was still low.
"Are you cold?" I asked her softly.
"I'm fine," she answered briefly.
"Bella, you know what Carlisle told you," Rosalie said. "Don't downplay anything. It doesn't help us take care of either of you."
"Okay, I'm a little cold," sighed Bella. "Edward, can you hand me that blanket?"
Jacob let out a short laugh. "Isn't that sort of the point of me being here?"
Jacob sat down on the floor next to the couch, unsure of how to touch her without hurting her. I moved to the arm of the couch, watching her carefully, for any sign she was being jostled or uncomfortable. Bella's eyes were on Jacob, glowing.
Suddenly, Jacob's stomach groaned with hunger. I should offer him some food, I thought.
"Rosalie, why don't you get Jacob something from the kitchen?" said Alice. I craned my head around to the back of the couch to stare at her. Was she goading Rosalie? She winked at me. Teach her some manners.
"Thanks anyway, Alice," said Jacob. "But I don't think I'd want to eat something Blondie's spit in. I'd bet my system wouldn't take too kindly to the venom."
"Rosalie would never embarrass Esme by displaying such a lack of hospitality," said Alice sweetly.
"Rosalie," Esme said in a quiet, warning tone from upstairs.
Fine, thought Rosalie. Fine. "Of course not," she said in her nicest voice, getting up and moving towards the kitchen. I'll give him a meal fit for the dog that he is.
I sighed, reading her plans.
"You'd tell me if she poisoned it, right?" Jacob asked.
"Yes," I said. That wasn't what she was planning. Esme had put a plate of food for Jacob in the refrigerator earlier after Seth had eaten – some steak and a baked potato. Rosalie threw this into the microwave, and then banged around in the cabinets, knowing what she was looking for. She pulled out a silver mixing bowl and, smiling, bent down the edges. A dog bowl. Then she paused for a moment.
Rover? She mused. Benji? No, I know… Using her perfectly manicured fingernail, she scraped the word Fido into the bowl. She glanced down at her chipped nail polish. Oh, damn, my nail, she thought irritably. I felt a smile rise to my lips and I looked down. Serves her right.
She threw the steak and potato in the bowl, squished a pat of butter and a spoonful of sour cream on the potato, muttered "disgusting" under her breath, and then swept back into the room.
Jacob looked over the bowl, and then gave her a huge smile. "Thanks, Blondie."
She snorted. You're not welcome.
"Hey," said Jacob suddenly. "Do you know what you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever." Jacob laughed, and I heard Emmett chuckle upstairs.
Rosalie heard it too, and her face darkened. I'm going to kill them both.
"I've heard that one, too," she snapped.
"I'll keep trying," Jacob said, smiling. I could tell him a few, thought Emmett, if I didn't mind losing a few limbs.
I watched Rosalie flip through the TV channels while Jacob ate and talked with Bella.
"So…um…what's the, er, date?" Jacob asked Bella in a false, bright voice. "You know, the due date for the little monster." She hit him on the head.
"I'm serious," Jacob said. "I want to know how long I'm gonna have to be here." I want to know how long your going to be here, he thought in despair.
I felt the tightening, the burning pain in my chest spread to my face, and I looked away, not wanting Bella to see.
"I don't know," Bella said quietly. "Not exactly. Obviously, we're not going with the nine-month model here, and we can't get an ultrasound, so Carlisle is guesstimating from how big I am. Normal people are supposed to be about forty centimeters here when the baby is fully grown." Bella touched a finger to the middle of her stomach. "One centimeter for every week. I was thirty this morning, and I've been gaining about two centimeters a day, sometimes more…"
Her life is speeding by in fast-forward, Jacob thought miserably. He did the quick math and his face paled. Four days.
"You Ok?" Bella asked Jacob. He didn't answer.
My need for her is stronger than ever, thought Jacob. Why? Because she is dying? Or because I know if she doesn't, she'll be changing into something else I won't know or understand?
I realized that Jacob's eyes had tears in them. My hand automatically reached up to touch my eye briefly. I strained to remember what it felt like, the feel of tears in my eyes. What it might be like, to cry for the loss of the one I loved.
Bella reached up, smoothing the wetness of Jacob's cheek. "It's going to be okay," she said, in a soothing, almost sing song voice.
"Right," Jacob said.
"I didn't think you would come. Seth said you would, and so did Edward, but I didn't believe them."
"Why not?" asked Jacob, his voice rough.
"You're not happy here. But you came anyway."
"You wanted me here."
"I know. But you didn't have to come, because it's not fair for me to want you here. I would have understood." I stared silently at the TV. Perhaps she did not see that he had no choice but to come.
"Thank you for coming," Bella said in a soft voice to Jacob.
"Can I ask you something?" Jacob responded. I watched the question form in his head, the question that had been eating at him since he crossed our threshold. "Why do you want me here? Seth could keep you warm, and he's probably easier to be around, happy little punk. But when I walk in the door, you smile like I'm your favorite person in the world."
"You're one of them," Bella said quickly.
"That sucks, you know," Jacob muttered.
"Yeah," Bella murmured. "Sorry."
"Why, though? You didn't answer that?"
I waited, trying to keep my emotions off my face. But a small part of me was glad he asked, for I could not. And there was no doubt that I shared Jacob's confusion that the bond between them, the pull to see and be with each other, was perhaps stronger now than it had ever been. At a time when I thought there would now be some distance between them, she was driven to be close to him.
I tried not to let it effect me, but it was hard. And I knew, of course, that much of the bond that existed was my fault. Although I think there had always, perhaps, been a connection between them, even from when Bella first came to Forks, there was no doubt that my treacherous attempt to save Bella, by leaving her, had nurtured that connection, allowed the bond to strengthen and grow, until it could not be broken. And it existed still – alive, growing, and ever changing.
"It feels…complete when you're here, Jacob," Bella said slowly. "Like all my family is together. I mean, I guess that's what it's like – I've never had a big family before now. It's nice, but it's just not whole unless you're here."
"I'll never be a part of your family, Bella," Jacob said, his voice hard. Although I could have been, he thought bitterly. But that future died before it had a chance to live.
"You'll always be a part of my family," Bella said swiftly.
"That's a crap answer," snapped Jacob.
"What's a good one?"
"How about, 'Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain." Bella flinched, and I felt a low growl start rising. I'd tolerate his attitude as much as possible, because I understood the emotions behind it, but I would not let him hurt her. Not now.
It's all right, Edward, thought Alice.
"You'd like that better?" Bella said softly.
"It's easier, at least. I could wrap my head around it. I could deal with it."
Bella was starting to drift off. Her eyes closed. "We got off track, Jake. Out of balance. You're supposed to be a part of my life – I can feel that, and so can you." Bella took a couple of shallow breaths – she was avoiding expanding her lungs too much. Her ribs must be aching.
"But not like this," she sighed. "We did something wrong. No. I did. I did something wrong, and we got off track…" Her voice faded, and her breaths became more regular, her heartbeat slowing.
"She's exhausted," I said quietly. "It's been a long day. A hard day. I think she would have gone to sleep earlier, but she was waiting for you."
"Seth said it broke another of her ribs," Jacob said in a low voice, not looking at me.
"Yes, it is making it harder for her to breathe."
"Great," muttered Jacob.
I grabbed a blanket off the chair and covered Bella's bare arm, which still looked chilled. It seemed that Seth had told Jacob about Bella's continued phone calls with Charlie, and he was furious.
"Yes," I said. "It's not a good idea."
"Then why?" asked Jacob.
"She can't bear his anxiety."
"So it's better…"
"No," I snapped. "It's not better. But I'm not going to force her to do anything that makes her unhappy now. Whatever happens, this makes her feel better. I'll deal with the rest…afterward." The last word burned as it left my throat.
It isn't like Bella to shuffle off Charlie's pain for someone else to deal with later, thought Jacob. Even if she is dying.
"She's very sure she's going to live," I said quietly.
"But not human," Jacob said. The steel talons tightened suddenly.
"No, not human. But she hopes to see Charlie again, anyway."
Oh, this just gets better and better. Jacob looked up and met my gaze, his eyes wide and angry. "See. Charlie. Afterwards," he said, his voice incredulous. "See Charlie when she's all sparkly white with the bright red eyes. I'm not a bloodsucker, so maybe I'm missing something, but Charlie seems like kind of a strange choice for her first meal."
I sighed. Jacob knew damn well we would never let Bella hurt Charlie. I explained to him Bella's plans regarding Charlie.
"Insane," Jacob snapped.
"Yes," I murmured.
It's weak of him to let her get her way on this, Jacob thought.
I shuddered. Yes, I was weak.
He probably isn't expecting her to live to try out this crazy plan. Letting her be happy a little while longer…
God help me, but he's right. I knew I was going to lose her.
"I'll deal with whatever comes," I said softly. "I won't cause her pain, now."
"Four days?" Jacob asked.
"Approximately."
"Then what?" asked Jacob.
And then the world ends. What else could there be?
"What do you mean, exactly?" I asked aloud.
How does it get out?
"From what little research we've been able to do, it would appear the creatures use their own teeth to escape the womb," I whispered.
"Research?" I told him that Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle had been searching for information on the computer. And the warnings I had heard on the island.
"What were the warnings?"
"That the creature must be killed immediately. Before it could gain too much strength."
Just like Sam thought. Was he right? I bristled with this. I was not supporting or agreeing with anything Sam had planned.
"Of course, their legends say the same of us," I muttered. "That we must be destroyed. That we are soulless murderers."
Two for two, thought Jacob. I laughed a quick, hard laugh. Maybe so.
"What did their stories say about…?" Jacob paused and swallowed hard, "…the mothers?"
I heard the words of the woman on the island again. Dead. Morte. And the stories Jasper and Emmett had found. The ones they couldn't even bring themselves to tell me in words, leaving me to pick them from their troubled thoughts, until I stopped looking. Stories of discarded female corpses found in woods and fields. Mutilated, torn. Vague legends of villages plagued by a demon in their women. The children of the village would be hidden while a woman gave birth, tribal elders standing by to the kill the thing that ripped its way out, while the healers chanted over the woman as she bled out. A terrifying, agonizing death...
Suddenly Rosalie snorted derisively. "Of course there were no survivors," she snapped. "Giving birth in the middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method. Even the normal births went badly half the time. None of them had what this baby has – caregivers with an idea of what the baby needs, who try to meet those needs. A doctor with a totally unique knowledge of vampire nature. A plan in place to deliver the baby as safely as possible. Venom that will repair anything that goes wrong. The baby will be fine." She paused. "And those other mothers would probably have survived if they'd had that-if they even existed in the first place. Something I am not convinced of." She turned away.
I stared at her in fury. Jacob hadn't asked if the creature would survive. He had asked about Bella. But Bella's survival was a damn afterthought to her. I began to lose focus, my muscles tightening automatically.
Allow me, Jacob thought, looking at me. I started, and gave him a questioning look. Emmett would obliterate him if he attacked Rosalie. Then I saw his plan. He lifted up the dog bowl and flung it at Rosalie's head. It smashed flat against her skull and then flew into the banister, knocking of the top piece.
Oh, my, thought Esme from the next room.
What the…Emmett was lurching out the door of the office. Jasper caught his arm and swung him around as Carlisle jumped up and put a hand on his shoulder.
"She's fine," muttered Jasper, sensing irritation but no pain from Rosalie.
"Dumb blonde," said Jacob.
That little piece of…Rosalie swung her head around to look at Jacob. "You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair."
Jacob lost it. He rolled away from the couch onto the floor and burst out laughing. Upstairs, Emmett relaxed slightly, as Carlisle smiled and Jasper bent over, clutching his sides with laughter. Alice giggled behind the couch.
I started to smile, but then caught the direction of Rosalie's thoughts. She wasn't going to let this one lay. So much for Emmett defending me against the dog, I'll have to do it myself. She betrayed nothing with her position as her muscles tensed. She was going to take him unaware. Maybe kick him across the room.
I shifted slightly in anticipation of blocking her, when suddenly Bella moved and her eyes opened. Jacob's hysterics had woken her up, thankfully. Damn it, thought Rosalie. She wouldn't touch Jacob in view of Bella.
Bella wanted to know what was so funny.
"I got food in her hair," laughed Jacob.
"I'm not going to forget this, dog," hissed Rosalie. She meant it. I would have to watch her carefully when Jacob was here.
"S'not so hard to erase a blonde's memory," Jacob said, his voice still choked with laughter. "Just blow in her ear."
"Get some new jokes," she spit out.
"C'mon, Jake," said Bella. "Leave Rose alone…" Bella gasped and her body tightened. I pulled off the blanket, watching and listening intently for signs of damage. Suddenly her body spasmed, arching off the couch. I put my hands on her face, steadying her, waiting of the cry of pain, the crack of bone.
"He's just stretching" she gasped, her breath short and fast. Her face was too strained.
"Carlisle," I said in a low voice.
Carlisle was already down the stairs. "Right here," he said, moving swiftly next to the couch.
Bella clutched at her ribs, trying to keep her breaths shallow. "Okay, I think it's over." Her face relaxed slightly. "Poor kid doesn't have enough room, that's all. He's getting so big."
I sighed and looked away. When Bella fell asleep, I had a half-hearted conversation with Carlisle about genetics, and the possible similarities between Jacob's genetic make up, and what Bella was carrying. I knew Carlisle was just trying to soothe me, to find some kind of scientific explanation, some genetic reason for what was happening. Something other than gruesome, cursed tales and legends.
Eventually, Jacob, who had been silent, said that Bella was getting hot. I took his place on the floor. Carlisle went back upstairs to relieve Jasper and Emmett at the computer, and Esme went with him. Alice lay behind the couch on her back, staring at the ceiling. It was very, very quiet for a long time except for Bella's shallow breaths and Jacob's deep ones, the sounds of their two very different hearts beating, and the gentle clicking of computer keys upstairs.
I felt a shiver go through Bella, and I got up, nodding at Jacob. He sat down beside her, placing one long arm against her body, and, lifting the other, began to slowly, gently, stroke her cheek.
The touch was tender, a loving caress. I swallowed hard, trying to push back my feelings, ignore the small burn inside. I needed to let him have these moments with Bella. His time was limited with her, as well.
Bella shifted a little, and I realized how late it was. I wondered if maybe we should bring her up to the bed. My mind formed the vision of Jacob lying in the bed, in our bed, with his arms around Bella's body, and I was clutched with another spasm of jealousy.
Stop it, I thought. Stop being petty. But of course I hated the idea. I was Bella's husband. What man would want to his wife in bed wrapped in the arms of another, whatever the reason?
But if you really were a man, I thought grimly, you could warm her yourself.
The wind whistled through the trees outside as we sat in silence. I realized that these thoughts, these feelings, ghosted with the memory of another night. Another time and place.
"Remember the night we spent in the tent?" I asked quietly.
Jacob froze. He took his hand slowly from Bella's face and looked at me. His face reddened slightly, and I could see immediately from his thoughts that he did think of that night. Often. Too often.
"Yes," he said gruffly. What of it, bloodsucker, he thought defensively.
"Tonight just reminds me of that night," I said. The three of us, together. The wind blowing outside. "You keeping Bella warm, when I cannot."
I looked at Bella, sleeping next to Jacob, remembering the terrible helplessness I had felt to protect Bella from the cold night. The bitter resentment of Jacob providing the warmth I could not, and the blinding, furious jealousy when he climbed into the sleeping bag, and pressed his body against hers. And then the curious release of the words shared between Jacob and I, in the dead of the night.
"I wonder what Bella thought of our conversation that night," I mused. "We never talked about it."
Jacob looked down at Bella, and touched her hair gently. "She was sleeping," he said softly.
"I don't think so," I murmured. "Not entirely." I had lain next to Bella as she slept, or didn't sleep, for thousands of hours. Small shifts in position, slight changes in her breath – all betrayed a small amount of consciousness, however unrealized.
Jacob shrugged, his eyes far away now. His mind wandered to all that had happened in the hours and days after that night. To the feel of his heart breaking. I pressed my fingers to my eyes for a moment, trying to block out my own memories of the terrible night I had watched Bella pour out her heartbreak, for him. I wondered if it would hurt him more, or reassure him somehow, that she had suffered so greatly in leaving him.
"Well," said Jacob in a strained voice. "It's different this time, because now she needs you, too." He paused, and thought about his words for a moment. "I mean, to cool her down when she gets too warm."
I raised my head, and stared silently at him for a moment.
"Right," he said, his voice hollow. "She always needed you."
I sighed. I didn't want to hurt Jacob. "Go to sleep, Jacob," I said softly. I could tell how tired he was. He nodded and shifted his position carefully, settling his head against the couch.
He closed his eyes, but did not sleep. I shut my mind to him, and left him alone with his anger and despair, with his regrets. I was haunted by my own.
Alice and Jasper had stepped outside for a moment, standing on the back step, leaving the door open behind them. He had his arm around her, and Alice's head rested on his chest. Beyond them was the forest, trees drifting gently in the breeze, and above that the lavender night sky, the moon, and the shining points of the stars.
But I couldn't see any of it. All I could see was the darkness that lay ahead.
In the middle of the night, Bella shifted uncomfortably, and rolled her head to the side. Her cheek that had been pressed against Jacob was bathed in sweat. I got up and went over close to Jacob.
"Jacob," I whispered, touching his shoulder lightly. He started, his eyes flying open.
"What is it?" he gasped, glancing wildly at Bella.
"She's getting hot," I said quietly. He relaxed and nodded, moving gently away from Bella. She winced in her sleep, but didn't wake. He planned to run a wide sweep to check if my family could safely go out.
"Thank you," I whispered. "If the route is clear, they'll go today."
"I'll let you know."
Jacob left, and I sat down on the floor next to Bella, and eventually, lay my hand on her cheek where Jacob's had been. Her skin was so soft, so fragile under my own, and yet, despite everything, still so alive. I understood why Jacob had wanted to touch her.
Dawn was beginning to break, when Bella was wrenched out of sleep. Her body convulsed in a spasm as she shrieked. She sat up before I could stop her, her eyes wild, and then fell back with a groan, clutching near her hip.
Carlisle was already leaning over her. "I heard something," I said anxiously. "Something break."
Pelvis? My stomach turned.
"No, Edward," said Rosalie. "It was different. Just joints cracking. No break." She turned and put a hand on Bella's forehead. "You must be stiff from lying all night on this couch."
Oh, right, that's the problem – she's just stiff. I bit back the sarcastic words.
"Just in case, Rosalie," said Carlisle. "If Edward thinks he heard something."
Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Fine, prove me right."
Bella had her eyes closed, and she looked pale and weak. She had deteriorated in just a few hours of sleep, when she wasn't drinking blood. The thing's appetite was relentless.
Carlisle got Bella a cup of blood and we carried her upstairs to the office. As Carlisle took the x-ray, I heard Jacob traveling towards the house. He and Leah had run far into the mountains, and the way seemed safe for my family.
They would hunt today.
I will be away next week on vacation, so there might be a delay in the next chapter. I appreciate your reviews!