Author's note: This one took a little longer than the last few, mostly due to RL stress and lack of time. I had a slightly different chapter planned but Edward wouldn't hear of it. Sorry about that. I think though that the end result will be enjoyable. Limeade included.
This is the second to last chapter for the 2nd arc. One more and then we'll be moving into the final arc of this story. Their journey into being a stronger couple, with communication lines open and a solid foundation built, is almost done. The beginning of this chapter includes some revisits to the past.
Disclaimer: Twilight - not mine. This is not breaking news. It all belongs to Stephenie Meyer who's been kind enough to let us play in her sandbox. No copyright infringement is intended. The plot to this story however is all mine. Please don't steal.
To all who supported the Fandoms4Floods compilation, thank you for donating. The outtake (Alice) has now been posted.
Thank you to Robsten who provided many (un)intentional laughs at the MTV Movie Awards this year. "I ripped your head off and now you're pregnant." "I didn't cut you out. But I did fuck you." Including the awkward acceptance speeches, you were epic as always. You are both adorkably cringeworthy.
Many thanks to Bella's Executioner and Caius09 who preread this chapter and gave me valuable feedback. Kudos to you, ladies. You make me a better writer.
And much thanks to my darling husband who lets me hide in my woman cave whenever I can. Love you mucho.
Chapter songs: Broken – Lifehouse, Iridescent – Linkin Park, Have I Told You Lately – Rod Stewart (yes, yes – I know there's a version by Van Morrison which is actually much better, but in this particular case, the rough and raw voice of Rod just fit this chapter. Sue me. No, wait - please don't.)
14. Letting Go
You were standing in the wake of devastation
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying "Save me now"
You were there, impossibly alone
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go
Let it go
Linkin Park – Iridescent
ooo~~~OOO~~~ooo
Bella fell asleep in the car as I drove us back to the house. My mind was reeling from the last few minutes at the cemetery. What had started as such a wonderful day was rapidly turning into a situation that had the potential to either make or break us.
The latter was absolutely unacceptable.
Ignoring the deep-seated issues that had nearly torn us apart was no longer an option, and I needed to come clean. If the last two days had been any indication, we were at a much better point now, as if we were seeing clearly for the first time.
We would survive the upcoming discussion; I was sure of it. All I had to do now was lay myself bare and tell her honestly why I had left. Somewhere along the way I had realized that the reason I'd initially given myself, my family and ultimately her wasn't what had truly compelled me to leave.
No, it was simply how I had justified it to myself at the time.
And I'd been skirting around the truth ever since.
That would end today.
I pulled into the driveway a few minutes later and carried my still unconscious fianceé into the house, debating only for a moment until I trudged up the stairs. After I settled her on the bed, I carefully removed her jacket and shoes, allowing myself to gaze at her for a bit while she slept before flying down the stairs and into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for her.
When I reentered the bedroom, she was awake, sitting up on the bed, her deep brown eyes searching for me.
"Hi," I said softly, smiling. "I fetched some water for you. You must be thirsty."
"Thank you," she replied as she took the water from my outstretched hand. She drank about half of it before putting the cap back on, wiping her lips on the back of her hand when she was done.
I hadn't lifted my eyes off her.
Bella put the bottle on the nightstand and then crossed her legs, putting her hands in her lap, looking down.
Unsure of what to do, I sat down on the bed myself, mirroring her position after toeing off my shoes. Our knees touched and she raised her eyes to mine. There was a deep sadness in those brown lakes and it made the venom freeze in my veins.
A heavy weight pressed down on me. The reason for the anguish in Bella's eyes was laid squarely at my feet.
And it was up to me now to remove it, once and for all.
"So..." I started awkwardly and stopped. "Uhm...I...don't know where to begin."
Bella smiled a little but it didn't reach her eyes. "You know what they say – it's best to start at the beginning."
I nodded and took a deep breath. "Very well. You've already heard most of this, of course. I suppose it all began one dreary day last year in January when you walked into my life and tormented me with the most magical, alluring scent I had ever encountered. Of course, at the time I didn't realize that I was already hopelessly in love with you. No, in that moment I merely hated you for ruining my peaceful, dull, pathetic existence. So I ran. I ran to save you from death and to save myself from being responsible for it. I kept my distance because it was inconceivable to me that you could ever care for me, let alone love me. I was a vampire, a blood-sucking monster and surely you deserved better than that. I was prepared to leave you after Phoenix..."
I stopped as the familiar pain flashed inside my core. A hot little hand brushed against mine and with a flick of my wrist, her fingers were in my grasp. I felt a gentle squeeze, encouraging me to continue. I inhaled again, suddenly feeling the weight on my chest get a little lighter as I reminded myself silently that she loved me, despite all the hurt and pain we put each other through. The last few days had brought us closer than we'd ever been and this was going to be our final step forward.
"I warred with myself ever since that incident and it finally culminated in seeing my own brother's attempt on your life. I was scared, blinded by fear," I admitted remorsefully. "All I could see was that I was putting you in danger just by your proximity to me. I had already seen Alice's dual vision of your fate and neither outcome was acceptable to me."
"Death or vampire," Bella added while her thumb stroked my knuckles.
"Yes. The former is still too painful to even contemplate and, as selfish as it may be, I can hardly wait for the latter to occur."
That last statement drew a tentative smile from her lips.
"It's not selfish if it's what I want, too," she replied. "Why did you think you don't deserve to keep me, Edward?"
"I..."
"Furthermore," she cut me off before I even had the chance to form a response, "selfishness aside, why did you not believe I love you just as strongly and eternally as you love me? Because I think that might be part of your reason, is it not?"
"My intentions were to protect you..."
Bella snorted. "Maybe so, but mostly you wanted to protect yourself. At least, that's what it looks like from the outside looking in."
My chin hit my chest as her quick mind cut down to the heart of the matter. Her thumbs didn't cease their movement and she gave me time to formulate my response.
A simple yes sufficed.
She already knew what I had only recently admitted to myself – I had left her preemptively to spare myself the pain of her rejection. And in the course of doing so, I had hurt her more than I ever intended.
"Yes," she repeated. "Did it ever occur to you that I might have been just as scared? I've already told you why I believed your lies. I didn't think I was enough."
Bella's voice sounded resigned.
"It hurt so much when you left. I was shattered, Edward, as if you had ripped out my heart. It felt like I died that day, like a huge black hole sucked every ounce of happiness out of me. Your leaving destroyed the small amount of self-esteem I had, and I felt unwanted. Undesirable. A small, insignificant human. It made so much sense for you to leave me, because compared to you I was nothing. And afterward, I just went through the motions of daily life, primarily to appease my father. Jacob helped but I wasn't happy. I couldn't breathe properly until I was back in your arms. And even then, I was still terrified you'd leave me again. Even though you had promised not to I didn't completely trust you to keep that promise. Which is part of what led me to keep Jacob around. He held me together while you were gone and I knew he would again, if...if you had decided that I wasn't worth it after all."
"Bella, you are the very best part of my life. You're everything to me. You're the sum of all things. My heart, my soul, my entire being is bound to you irrevocably. And I'm so very sorry that I caused you so much pain. I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for leaving you and I will spend the rest of my existence trying to make it up to you. My reasons were wrong and my actions condemnable, and I still can't quite fathom that you took me back, but I am so very glad you did."
We were both silent then, our eyes directed at our intertwined hands, as I fought the rise of anguish in my chest. Bella heaved a huge sigh.
"Do you believe now? Do you know how much I love you? Do you realize that I cannot live without you, just as you can't live without me?"
My eyes flew up to meet hers. "Oh, God – yes! After I came back...well, after you came to bring me back, I was certain that you loved me just the same way. You flew all the way to Italy, thinking that I didn't love you anymore, and still you came to save me. I had treated you abysmally, lied to you so horribly, and still you loved me. I still didn't want you to change but I had finally realized the strength of your feelings for me, and I was slowly working on getting used to the idea of you as a vampire. Which brings us back to the current time...after the last few months... You blew hot and cold, and while I knew you loved me, I could also see that you loved your friend. What I didn't know was whether you were still in love with me. I based my conclusions on your actions. The most important thing to me is your happiness, Bella, and I wasn't convinced anymore that your happiness lay with me. So, in typical fashion, I ran again."
"Hmmm, and I certainly can see why," she agreed. "So, basically, what we both did was to let our own insecurities do the talking for us."
"Yes, it would seem that way."
Bella smiled and this time, her face was lit up with joy and it reached all the way to her eyes, which were now sparkling with love and trust and forgiveness.
And then, in a move that was faster that she had any right to be, she was in my lap with her arms around my neck, her hot breath in my ear and her ankles locked behind my back.
"Edward Anthony Cullen, do you promise to never run from me again no matter how stupidly I act? Do you promise to talk through any issues that might come up in the future? Do you promise to listen and trust and never again make any life-changing decisions without my input and consent?"
For a moment, I felt overwhelmed by the semblance of her questions to what I hoped would soon be our wedding vows. With that in mind, I cradled her face with my hands, stared deeply into her doe eyes and made a solemn vow.
"I do."
"I love you. I forgive you. I don't want to ever be without you."
Joy expanded deep inside me and burst from my lips as my smile stretched ear to ear.
"I know." I winked at her and she smiled happily.
"We need to let it all go now," she said, nodding her head earnestly, utterly adorable as her hands cupped my jaw. "The past, I mean. All the guilt and the pain and the hurt we inflicted on each other – we have to put it behind us. I want to move forward. I might still have flashbacks but I will promise that when they do happen I'll always remember that you love me and want me and need me."
I smiled. "And I will promise the same. I love you, Bella. I forgive you. I don't ever want to be without you."
Her eyes lit up as I repeated her earlier words. And then Bella pounced, her hands on my shoulders pushing me back and I complied until I was flat on the bed with a small human girl attached to my front from top to bottom, fully aligned from head to toe. I could feel every inch of her body pressed against mine, even through our clothing. As I wrapped my arms around her waist she put her elbows on my chest and propped her chin up in her hands. Her eyes twinkled mischievously, her lips curved up in a happy smile that matched the one on my own face.
"So...," she drawled, grinning and wiggling her hips against mine. "Now what?"
My body had an instant primal reaction; my nostrils flared with delight as her scent wafted around us and the traitor in my pants twitched a greeting to what was currently pressed against it. Before I could react to the rather enticing situation, her stomach let out a roar to rival one of mine and, as if on cue, her cheeks turned pink.
I laughed out loud as she slapped her hands against her face with an embarrassed groan.
"Now, I suppose, we feed the monster in your belly."
In an almost shameful teenage boy show-off move that I enjoyed nonetheless, I jumped off the bed with her still in my arms, tossing her gently onto my back before making my way downstairs to the kitchen. Bella giggled in my ear the whole way, her legs wrapped firmly around my torso, and the sound of her giggles filled me to the brim with happiness as she pressed hot, wet kisses into my frigid skin.
I gently deposited her on the kitchen table but before I could move away, her legs were locked around my knees and her hands were pulling me towards her by my shirt. I kissed her gladly, carefully sucking on her lower lip before turning my head slightly to deepen our kiss. Bella moaned softly, her legs tightening around me. I moved forward without noticing until we were lined up perfectly. My hips started thrusting without permission as my hands ghosted all over her back and curled into the strands of her glossy hair.
Her hot center rubbed against my rigid length and I groaned with pleasure, wanting nothing more than to bury myself in her heat. She broke the kiss and threw her head back, exposing the silky skin of her neck to my lips.
"I want you so badly, Bella," I confessed without shame against her pulsing artery.
"Then have me," she moaned huskily.
I groaned as I pulled back even though the thought of hearing her soft whimpers and seeing her fall apart around me made it so much more difficult. My erection was straining against the seams and had seemingly taken on a life of its own, unwilling to listen or be contained. I moved my hips backward to break the connection it relentlessly sought.
"You're not helping this situation. We need to slow down before I take you on this kitchen table like some uncouth savage."
Her legs fell to the side and she released me while her glorious blush crept up her neck and into her cheeks.
"You're right. Damn it!"
Before she could get further annoyed, whether with herself or me, I stroked my fingers down her cheek before hugging her to me.
"If it's any consolation, my love, I'm struggling just the same. Our first time should be special, though. Not a frenzied coupling in the kitchen."
She kissed my chest through my shirt, right above my frozen heart.
"And it will be," she said. "I don't need flowers and candles, mind you, but however it happens, it will be special because it will be our first time. For both of us. Now feed me, before the monster in my stomach gets any more demanding."
"As you wish, milady." I couldn't help myself and pressed another although rather chaste kiss to her lips.
No tongues involved.
Completely unsatisfactory.
After a quick lunch to appease her hunger, we decided to forgo the museum trip until the next day and head to Michigan Avenue instead so Bella could purchase appropriate Opera attire. I myself needed a suit and soon, we were at Neiman Marcus where I was comfortably seated on one of the couches while Bella modeled dresses for me with the help of one of the sales ladies.
I did my best to stay out of the woman's head while Bella changed, wanting to get the full impact without having seen the dress in the woman's mind.
I had already seen a few dresses that hadn't met with either my or Bella's approval but when she stepped out of the dressing room in a navy blue floor-length gown that clung to each of her curves, my breath got stuck in my throat and I froze in my spot on the couch. The silky material, gathered on one shoulder with beads and embroidery, enhanced the luminosity of her skin. It wasn't too revealing and it looked as if it had been made for her.
She looked like a goddess.
It was perfect.
"You like?" She slowly turned in a circle, showing me all sides of her tempting body.
I could only nod, utterly speechless and immensely grateful that the beautiful woman in front of me had chosen me.
The saleswoman beamed. "What a lucky girl. He's so gorgeous. And so obviously in love with her."
I cleared my throat. "Perhaps a stole to keep her warm? It still gets a little chilly at night."
"Damn, he's good."
"Yes, of course. Did you have something specific in mind?"
"No, I trust your judgment. We'll also need matching shoes. Size 7."
"Very well. I'll be right back, sir."
I winked at Bella who by then had put her hands on her waist with an eyebrow raised. I blew her a kiss and she narrowed her eyes at me.
"You realize that this is probably the most expensive gown of all the ones I tried?"
"Indulge me, my darling," I smiled easily. "Let me spoil you."
"Oh, alright," she grumbled. "Just don't tell me the total, okay?"
"My lips are sealed. You are absolutely stunning in that dress, Bella. So very beautiful. I'll be the envy of every man at the Opera tomorrow night."
She blushed and looked at me shyly from under her lashes. "Thank you."
I smiled at her response, so very different from before. "I love you."
"I love you, too," she whispered.
The woman returned shortly thereafter, laden with a few shoe boxes and a shimmering silver stole draped over one arm.
"Here we go," she announced, addressing me. "I have chosen mid-heel type closed toe shoes since your fiancée said she would prefer those. And this stole should go very well with the dress."
While I wasn't appeased that she didn't address Bella instead – which I pointed out immediately – I was slightly mollified by the items she had chosen. They matched perfectly.
A little while later, I was carrying a gown bag and a shopping bag containing the silver stole and a pair of strappy heels plus a small evening purse as we made our way to the men's department to purchase a suit and proper attire for me.
What Bella didn't realize, and I didn't mention, was that neither of the earrings I had purchased for her the day before would match the dress and I had nefarious plans of surprising her with yet another heirloom from my trusty treasure chest.
And then it was time to head home. After storing our purchases in the trunk, I opened Bella's door for her.
"Dinner? Are you hungry?"
"Just a salad or something," Bella replied. "There's plenty in the fridge at home so we don't have to stop anywhere."
"Very well. Perhaps after you've eaten, we can watch a movie? Alice has been very thorough, I'm sure."
"How did she know?" Bella asked. "I mean, apart from the clothes and groceries, everything else was ready for us. How did she see that so far in advance? I thought her visions were based on the decisions people make? When did you decide to...leave..."
She became very quiet at the end and I pulled her hand up to my lips. We were almost home and I could already tell that this was a conversation we should best not have while in the car.
I couldn't hold her the way I wanted to in a moving vehicle.
"I didn't, Bella, not until that night I ran from you. I think there's a good explanation for why Alice saw us needing the house before either one of us made a conscious decision to come here. Let's talk about it over your dinner, alright?"
"Okay."
I pulled into the driveway and put the car into park before moving around the car to help her out of her seat. She walked ahead after grabbing the keys from me while I gathered our purchases from the trunk. I was struck again by how normal this moment was – just a young couple coming home from a shopping trip.
Bella unlocked the door and stepped into the house, leaving it wide open for me. When I entered the foyer, I could hear her in the kitchen, washing her hands.
"I am just going to take these things upstairs," I said a little louder than usual so she would hear me. "I'll be right down."
"Okay."
A few seconds later, after I'd hung up her dress and my suit in the closet and stored the rest of our purchases on the shelves, I flew back down the stairs to the kitchen from where her heartbeat was calling to me.
Her back was to me, bent as she rummaged in the fridge and pulled out ingredients for her meal. My eyes zeroed in on her luscious derriere and I had to force myself over to the table to sit down, rearranging myself to avoid bursting through the zipper.
Now that I knew what Emmett had meant, I had to agree – sitting down while erect was really uncomfortable.
When Bella popped up from the fridge, she turned and startled, dropping the tomato that was in her hand. Her heart was racing and her face flushed.
"Damn it! I didn't even hear you come in."
I chuckled as I plucked the vegetable off the floor and held it out to her, waggling my eyebrows playfully. "I'm stealthy that way."
"I think I'll put a cow bell around your neck," she grumbled, trying not to smile. "Sneaky vampire."
I laughed and stepped towards her, pulling her to me gently to kiss her.
"God, I love you, Bella. You make me a very happy man."
I stared deeply into her eyes and suppressed a happy snicker when her eyelids fluttered and her breathing sped up. She looked dazed and for just a moment, I felt bad but I loved having the power to dazzle her. I didn't abuse it but it certainly called to the feral beast inside me, knowing that I was the only one who caused this reaction in her.
She was mine.
All fucking mine.
You just like thinking that, don't you?
Absolutely!
I broke the stare and released her.
"Can I help you prepare your dinner?"
She shook her head and blinked a few times. "What?"
I pointed to the food items on the counter. "Your dinner? Would you like me to help you prepare it?"
"Oh...uhm...sure."
We worked side by side; I was gently tearing the lettuce into smaller pieces as she peeled the cucumber, only arguing for a moment when Bella pulled the chef's knife from the drawer and reminded me snidely, in response to my intake of breath, that she'd been handling sharp cutlery for years. I acquiesced but watched her every move, poised to intervene if the knife should slip, so intensely focused on her hands that I nearly missed her movement when she playfully hip-checked me, smiling mischievously when my eyes cut to her in shock.
"Grab me a plate, please? Oh, and the sliced ham and cheese from the fridge."
Shaking my head at her antics and with a wide smile, I did as I was told and returned quickly, watching her with fascination as she cut the ham and cheese slices into small strips. She tossed the lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber chunks into a bowl, poured salad dressing over the mixture and used two forks to mix it all together. After putting a generous portion onto the plate, she layered the ham and cheese strips on top, picked up a fork and moved over to the table to sit down.
"Would you like something to drink?" I asked solicitously when I noticed she didn't have any kind of beverage already waiting for her.
"Just a glass of milk, please."
"Coming right up."
After getting her the desired drink, I sat down across from her.
"So..." Bella said, after taking a bite, "what's your theory about this particular vision?"
"It's actually rather simple," I replied, propping my head on my hands. "You are correct – usually, Alice's visions are subjective, based on the decisions a person makes. And perhaps, somewhere in the last few months, one of us made a decision that triggered that particular vision." I shrugged. "Then again, every once in a while, Alice sees something on a grander scale, something that she doesn't always understand at the time. The best example is probably when she woke up and saw Jasper's face in her mind. Or when she saw my family. I suppose it could be argued that those visions were based on the decision of the vampire who changed her. However, I think it's just as plausible that fate had a hand in it – that she was meant for him and he for her. And that they both were meant to be a part of our family."
"That makes sense."
"And as for us," I continued, "well, perhaps we needed to get to this point to grow as a couple. To realize once and for all that we are meant for each other, because clearly, I wasn't quite up to snuff to get that point on my own. So, again – maybe it was fate that steered us onto this path and triggered the vision Alice had."
"Fate, huh?" Her tone of voice was just slightly mocking and she smirked before sticking her fork into the salad again.
I nodded, chuckling. "Yes, my dear, fate. You said something yesterday that made me think. If it weren't for Carlisle changing me, we would never have met. And if you follow along that line, considering everything that had to fall into place in both of our lives so we could fall in love on a rainy, cold day in January in Forks, of all places, what alternative reason is there? Also, if it weren't for me leaving last fall, we wouldn't have gone through the craziness of the last few months, and I wouldn't have run off again only to have you follow after me. Which means that we wouldn't be here now. So – taking all of that into consideration, how could it be anything but fate?"
Bella smiled, her eyes gleaming with mirth. "Glad to hear you see it my way now."
I snickered. "I never claimed to be exceptionally bright when it comes to our relationship."
"Hey now, that's my fiancé you're talking about. I happen to think he's very smart." She winked.
My reply was a snort. "In the words of Emmett – whatever! I tried to approach our relationship from an intellectual level but as Esme would tell you – you cannot understand love. You have to experience it. And I think I finally get her point. For so long, I presumed that because I hear the thoughts of everyone around me, I could gain knowledge of how relationships work simply by listening to them. And since I had heard it all, I was convinced that I knew everything there is to know about loving someone. Obviously, that is not the case. It took you and your silent mind to teach me what it means to love."
My hand reached out to clasp hers tightly – well, as tightly as I could without hurting her.
"I love you, Bella, I love you so fucking much that I can barely contain it. You fill my life with more happiness and joy than I ever could have hoped for." The words fell from my lips before I could censor them.
I immediately realized that I had no desire to change them.
None at all.
Her eyes filled with tears as a wide smile broke across her face. "Oh, Edward," she sighed. "I love you, too."
I wasn't sure why but all at once, I was nearly overcome with urgent need for her and it took all the discipline I had built over nearly a century to not sweep her dinner off the table and ravish her the way the beast inside me demanded. My free hand curled around the edge of the table and my whole body tensed. Fighting back the urge, I gritted my teeth and breathed slowly for a moment to get myself under control before sheepishly smiling back at Bella who had by that time realized that I was struggling.
"Bella, I..."
The air crackled with electricity and I didn't miss the flash of intuition that lit up Bella's eyes. Her soft fingers squeezed mine; her thumb soothingly rubbed the back of my hand.
"Easy, baby," she said quietly. "It's okay. I feel it, too."
I blew out a breath, warming up to the endearment she had used only once before. "Yes...I...I think I need a moment."
"Sure. That's fine." I was granted another smile. "I'll just be here eating my dinner while you...do that."
"You misunderstand, love. I wasn't planning to leave you sitting here alone," I was quick to assure her. "I'll be fine staying, watching you."
She groaned and I chuckled at her response.
"I don't get the fascination but if it makes you happy..."
"More milk?"
Bella laughed.
We spent the rest of the evening in our bed, watching a movie, kissing and touching languidly and snuggling intimately under the covers like the teenagers we were, until she drifted off to sleep, safely ensconced in my arms, her back pressed against my chest, her luscious behind nestled in my groin.
We were spooning, her head cushioned by a pillow that lay on my arm, her feet entangled with my own, the only barriers her thin pajamas and my cotton lounge pants. And even though my always-present erection strained valiantly to obtain what it had thus far been denied – life was beautiful.
Somewhere in the wee hours of the early morning, Bella started to squirm against me, pressing deeper into my groin. Her heartbeat sped up as her core temperature rose slightly and her breathing became more shallow. At first, I thought she was having a nightmare, but her whispered words and the soft moans that fell from her sweet lips disabused me of that notion within moments.
The head of my insistent length began to leak.
She turned in my arms, laying on her back. Her soft, pouty lips were parted and I watched in utter fascination as her pink tongue slid out and moistened the skin. Her mouth was glistening in the muted light.
A wicked fantasy slammed into my mind, of seeing those rosy lips wrapped around my rigid appendage, her soulful eyes looking up at me through hooded lids as she swallowed around me, and my breath stuck in my throat.
"Edward. Yes...oh yes, please..."
I was out of the bed and down the stairs not two seconds later, fighting the temptation to run back to the bedroom and wake Bella from her slumber to indulge with her in more of the intimacy I so thoroughly craved, pathetically reduced to pacing the moonlit back porch, making grandiose plans to rush her off to Vegas, discarding them soon after only to consider them all over again.
There was certainly some merit in the idea.
If we eloped I could be changing her and finally making love to her sooner rather than later. I certainly didn't need a big wedding, I just wanted her to be mine officially. My ring on her finger. My mark on her neck. My scent all over her, my venom inside her, proclaiming to humans and immortals alike that she was mine.
All fucking mine.
The idea seemed more and more perfect until my blasted prescient sister apparently saw what I was contemplating; I suspected that the instant my phone buzzed on the nightstand upstairs. Afraid that it would wake Bella, I dashed back into the bedroom only to be decimated by the scent of her arousal and the sight of her bare skin.
I hit my knees.
Bella writhed on the bed, still asleep, whimpering my name.
The now-silent phone forgotten, I crawled to the foot of the bed, biting on my finger, willing the burn of my own venom to jolt me back to reason.
It was to no avail.
While I had been pacing downstairs, Bella must have gotten too hot underneath the blanket and the covers were now bunched at her ankles. Her too-short top had ridden half-way up her stomach, exposing the silky flesh, now fully flushed in her current state.
Her hand had found its way into her shorts.
My will, my control was non-existent, extinguished at the sight of her pleasuring herself.
I inhaled deeply, my nostrils flaring as the scent of her arousal coated the receptors in my nose. My erection ripped through the flimsy fabric, leading the way like a beacon to the promised land.
I was on the bed before I could stop myself, disobedient hands discarding the remnants of the lounge pants like the pesky hindrance they were and then I was on my knees between her legs. My trembling fingers found the tops of her thighs, carefully pushing them apart for a closer view, gently tearing the seams of her shorts and pulling the fabric to the side. My head dipped down to inhale the musky-sweet scent again, watching in awe as her small fingers moved relentlessly inside the pink, swollen flesh, running through the moisture that had gathered between her nether lips.
The beauty of the sight before me reduced me to a pile of quivering stone, delirious with desire and need, marveling at the wonder of her most intimate place.
It was the most erotic thing I had ever seen with my own eyes.
I wanted to taste her again, preferably directly from the source. Sucking her arousal off my fingers the night before had only fueled the need, not doused it.
"Edward," she moaned. "Yes, yes...ohh, yes! Please, oh...oh..."
Bella's whole body stiffened for a long moment and then went slack. Her hand fell to the side as she relaxed after finding her climax. Frozen, I remained right where I was, not daring to move even a fraction of an inch for fear that I would be unable to stop myself from simply taking her if I lifted even just a finger.
I wasn't breathing any longer.
And then she woke up.
Her eyelids fluttered before lifting completely, her head came off the pillow and the chocolate orbs found my own.
Two things happened simultaneously – Bella's face bloomed redder than I had ever seen and I fled down the stairs, naked and ashamed to my very core.
I was no better than a rapist. I had taken advantage of her in her sleep, shamelessly watching her, exposing her further without her consent, poised to take her in the vulnerable state she was in for my own pleasure.
The worst part? I was still as hard as a...well, a rock.
Disgusting.
Burning at the stake would be too kind a punishment.
I curled up in a corner of the parlor, rocking in agony and despair and pulling at the strands of my hair, contemplating every possible way I could dispose of myself.
She came after me, of course. It didn't take long at all. I heard her heartbeat slow, her feet padding softly across the wooden slats, the rustling of fabric and her steps on the stairs. Bella entered the parlor and flicked on one of the table lamps before squatting down in front of me with a small sigh. The blanket was wrapped around her small form, the surplus trailing behind her.
I buried my head in my hands, unable to look at her, too consumed with shame and guilt and fully aware that I was still utterly naked.
Bella wasn't having any of it.
"Well, this is more than just a little awkward," she mused quietly, "though I'm not sure which one of us is more embarrassed."
"Embarrassed?" I spat through clenched teeth. "You think I'm embarrassed? That is not the primary emotion I'm feeling right now, I assure you. I almost raped you, Bella. I have no idea what stopped me from just taking you. I'm a weak, despicable, disgusting piece of..."
I started sobbing, convinced that she would never let me touch her again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."
Her fingers began to scratch my scalp, soothing me slightly. Her willing touch gave me a smidgen of hope that I hadn't completely destroyed every shred of trust she had in me.
"Look at me, Edward. While I love your unruly hair, I'd rather see your eyes right now." Her tone was not what I expected – she didn't even sound upset.
Reluctantly, I lifted my head and met her gaze. To my great surprise, though it shouldn't have been after all this time, I found no accusation in her eyes, only love and acceptance. She held up the jeans I had discarded earlier.
"Here. Get dressed and then come back upstairs so we can talk about this. I love you."
With that, she got back to her feet and turned to walk out of the room, regal and striking, a goddess incarnate. Like a puppet on a string, I did as I was bid to do, only dawdling for a few minutes to compose myself before following her to the bedroom. I found her sitting in the middle of the bed, the comforter loosely wrapped around her. Both table lamps were on, bathing the room in a warm light. All evidence of the near disaster had been disposed of – not even a scrap of fabric remained visible. I wondered for a moment what she had done with it.
Bella was resting her elbows on her legs and her chin on her hands. Her heartbeat was a little higher than usual and her cheeks were still slightly flushed but she seemed calm and collected, focusing her eyes on me as I made my approach.
With halting steps I slowly walked toward the bed, unsure whether she wanted me to join her on top of the mattress. Wringing my hands in front of me nervously, I stopped at the side of the bed and silently waited for her invitation.
It quickly came.
"Sit down with me, Edward, please," she said softly. "Tell me what happened."
I assumed my position across from her, mimicking her posture though I carefully extended my hands to take hers. Seeing my slow progress, she raised her head and her fingers found mine, intertwining and softly squeezing, before resting them between us.
"Uhm...well, you were sleeping and I was holding you...as always...and then...you started moaning and...uh...you turned on your back and then..."
I broke off when more color crept up Bella's face.
"I was dreaming," she stated, her eyes focused on our clasped hands, "I remember. It was a good dream but I'm sorry that it caused you to lose your control."
"Stop right there!" I snarled. "I won't have you apologizing to me. You did nothing wrong. You were asleep and I...I..."
The dam broke, the words flowing from my mouth without filter, without even a remote chance of stopping them.
"I was so aroused, Bella. It's a near constant state now, and when you flipped onto your back and whimpered my name I had just enough control to make it downstairs to clear my head, but then the phone buzzed and I was worried that you'd wake up so I came back in here and the comforter had moved and your hand was...and the scent...oh God, your scent...so alluring, it drew me towards you and then I just lost it. I simply had to see, had to smell, had to watch you find your pleasure. I wanted to taste you, devour you. I'm so very sorry to have removed your clothing without your consent. It's utterly despicable – to take advantage of you like that, in your sleep, but I couldn't stop myself...I needed...Bella, my Bella, I want you so desperately, all the time, all the fucking time, but I'm still a little scared that I'll hurt you and I really want to wait until we're married. I just don't know that I can but I can't compromise your virtue though perhaps at this point we're both already compromised anyway, so maybe we should just run off to Vegas and get married so I can make love to you because, damn it, I don't know how much longer I can resist you. I'm so sorry, Bella – I'll understand if you can't forgive me for what I did."
I clamped my mouth shut and dropped my chin to my chest, waiting for her anger to cut me to pieces, just as I deserved.
It never came.
Instead, she leaned forward, disentangling and raising a hand to my face to stroke my cheek.
"Edward," she soothed softly, "calm down, darling. I'm not mad. Surprised and a little embarrassed, yes, but not angry. Okay, mortified that I...did that...in front of you."
"No, no," I argued, "you shouldn't feel that way. I deserve your anger. This is all my fault. I should have just woken you up, or left the room, instead of molesting you while you were sleeping. Please, don't take this on your shoulders. I've always been able to leave your room before...uhm...I mean...uh..."
Trailing off at the sight of all blood leaving her face, I knew I shouldn't have said that because Bella's shocked inhale and her sharp voice made me cringe. Her heart began to race and her scent changed, adrenaline tinging her unique aroma.
"What? What do you mean, before?"
Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Should have kept your mouth shut, you moron.
In for a penny, in for a pound. Rarely had I been so glad that I couldn't blush anymore though I hated myself for adding to Bella's stress level with my thoughtless words. I considered lying for a split second but we had promised each other complete honesty. Besides, I was fairly certain that her question was rhetoric – based on her reaction, she knew exactly what I had meant.
Thus I remained silent, only rubbing the back of her hand soothingly, hoping this would help her work through the mortification so that she wouldn't hide from me.
No such luck.
Bella yanked her hands away from me and hid her face in them.
"Oh God, oh God, oh God..."
"It's okay, Bella," I tried to calm her. "I never stayed around for...that. I always exited your room before you...uhm..."
"Not helping," she whimpered into her hands. "So not helping. Oh God, oh God, oh God."
"I'm so sorry." I felt helpless, unsure how to alleviate her stress, frantically thinking of anything that might make her feel better. "Ah...would it help at all if I told you that you're not the only one who's...uh...laid hand on yourself? If I told you that there have been many instances in the recent past where I felt the need to...uhm...do that?"
Bella's hands fell from her face as she searched my eyes.
"Really?"
I simply nodded.
"Seriously? You've..." She waved her hand at the direction of my crotch where my usual predicament was saluting her.
I swallowed hard but answered her question honestly.
"Masturbated, yes."
I was still very, very glad that I did not possess the ability to blush.
With that admission though, a strange twinkle began to gleam in Bella's eyes. My silent heart jolted in my chest as I wondered what exactly was going through her mind.
Nothing I would like, I was certain of that.
"What are you thinking?" I asked foolishly, unable to prevent the words from leaving my mouth.
"I was just wondering," she replied as her lips curled into a small smile and her heart began to pound in staccato. "Are you in a...uhm...condition now where you would normally do that?"
My eyes widened as my mouth dropped open for a moment before I had a chance to collect myself. She saw, of course, and the smile grew.
"I..."
Slowly, she leaned forward, tucking her feet underneath her legs and placing her hands on my knees as I rearranged myself on the bed, closing my legs.
My erection was not pleased. At least the jean fabric proved to be a little stronger than the lounge pants and thus restrained what wanted to escape. I adjusted myself rapidly at vampire speed so she wouldn't notice.
"Well, if you are, do you want to...ah...take care of that?"
Holy shit.
It took only a very short amount of time until what she was asking for and even less time for me to decide that I just wouldn't be able to do what she had requested.
"I can't, Bella. Not like that. That just...doesn't seem proper."
"What?" she muttered with just a little bite to her tone. "You can watch me, but I'm not allowed to watch you? That's not fair, Edward."
Her arms crossed in front of her chest, a movement that made the blanket slide down her shoulders and expose the silken skin. Before I had formed a conscious thought, my fingers trembled across the milky expanse, running across her collarbone and up her neck, resting only momentarily on the pulsing artery.
As it had for a while now, the strong beat centered me and calmed me down sufficiently to look at her request through her eyes and not colored by my fears. I knew why she was asking and perhaps at some point down the road, I'd feel comfortable giving her what she desired but not yet.
"I know it's not fair, but please, Bella – do not ask that of me. It would make me feel as if I was disrespecting you."
"You seemed to have no problem earlier with disrespect."
I didn't respond, trying valiantly to keep the sudden hurt in check. It seemed as if we were spiraling into the same behavior pattern that had for so long hounded us in our relationship.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." Her voice had dropped to a whisper. "How easily I fall back into my old habits."
There were warring emotions in her eyes and flitting across her face but then she settled into a resigned sigh.
"I am sorry. And I understand where you're coming from. I do. No pressure, as promised."
I released a long sigh, grateful that she wasn't pushing the issue but then I felt that I owed it to our progress to give a little as well. And if I were to approach it where she touched me and my hands could be locked behind my head, it just might be safe enough. That thought firmly in mind, I took her hands in mine and rearranged us both on the bed so I was stretched out beside her, with her head on my chest, her face upturned to mine.
With a deep breath and a kiss to her forehead I took one of her hands and moved it slowly towards the waistband of my jeans.
I cleared my throat. "Uhm, if you want, you can...ah...touch me."
Bella gasped against my chest. "Are you sure?"
"I'm fairly certain that I can safely remove myself if it gets too much, but yes, I'm sure. Of course, that is only if you wa-"
"I want," she said rapidly, cutting me off and alerting me to the return of the vixen. I clamped my mouth shut, moving my hands behind my head, firmly grasping the headboard, chanting a chorus of 'don't fucking let go' in my mind.
I stopped breathing when she opened the button, slowly, carefully pulling down the zipper. As soon as the material fell away, my erection stood at full mast, dripping fluid from the top. Smart girl that she was, Bella moved so that she was kneeling next to me.
My eyes were focused on her hand as she ever so slowly wrapped her fingers around me. Fire exploded down my shaft. My hips jerked slightly before I could help it but then I forced my body to freeze. Her thumb swiped across the slit at the top, gathering the moisture.
"Ungh..."
The feelings were indescribable. The heat from her touch, the soft yet strong grip she had on me as she carefully began to move her hand up and down, ripped through me and sent a bolt of electricity up my spine and down into my toes.
I was quickly losing my grip on my control.
It came down to a question of either controlling my body or my speech.
I chose to let go of the words, further twisting my fingers around the headboard.
Words won't hurt her.
A small part of my brain was aware of the irony of that statement.
"Oh God," I moaned. "Bella..."
"Am I doing it right?"
I choked out a laugh that sounded like a sob. "Yes...please...oh...anything, just don't stop moving..."
The movements sped up slightly.
"Like this?"
"Uh-huh," I ground out as the fire started burning in the pit of my stomach and the sensations kept rippling through me. I wanted to keep watching her but my eyes closed of their own volition, my head fell back and I was lost in the feelings.
I also lost complete control of my mouth.
"Oh...yes...so good...please...faster...Bella, yes...oh God, Bella...I love you, I love you...oh, fuck...yes...keep moving...oh...oh...OH!"
Stars exploded behind my closed lids and I fell into an abyss of pure pleasure. My hips jerked once more in her hands and then my climax ripped through me like a tornado, lifting me, spinning me around until I lost all sense of my surroundings, feeling only her and her hand and the wetness that spurted across my stomach.
Astonishingly enough, my hands never left the headboard. I noticed much later that it looked a bit worse for the wear, a few gashes decorating the wood where my nails had dug in. All in all, not bad for a first time.
As I floated back to earth, I opened my eyes just in time to watch her hesitantly lick my ejaculate off her finger. And then she closed her eyes as if she was actually enjoying it, a smile playing on her lips. I gasped and pulled her hand away from her mouth.
"Bella, no. Don't do that."
"Why not? It doesn't taste anything like I've been told it would. Besides, turnabout is fair, right?"
Wait, what? She's been told what?
I exhaled in a rush and filed that comment away for a future discussion. "That's beside the point. I don't want you to get hurt."
"Hurt how?" An adorable eyebrow went up; she clearly didn't believe me.
Sighing, I explained. "It likely contains venom. A small wound inside your mouth would absorb it and start your change. And that's not how I envisioned starting your transformation."
Bella snorted. "It doesn't taste like the venom in your mouth when you kiss me. Besides, if that were the case, if there was a wound, after all the kissing we've been doing, I should be writhing in pain by now."
"I...well, I..."
I couldn't argue with that logic. It just seemed so wrong for her to want to taste it but I reminded myself that this was the twenty-first century and things certainly had changed since my teenage years.
"Cat got your tongue?" she snickered.
Carefully, I sat up slightly, staring at the mess I had created and hating the fact that she was right. It hadn't even crossed my mind in the last few days because the need for her had been too great.
And certainly, the venom hadn't harmed her at all.
"You truly are smart, my Bella," I admitted with a smirk. "Though perhaps I could claim stupidity by orgasm as my excuse?"
She burst out laughing. "Yeah, okay. If you say so. Stay there, I'll go grab a towel."
Bella jumped off the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. I heard the water run and then she returned a few moments later with one of the fluffy hand towels my sister had so graciously provided. She handed it to me and I quickly mopped up the fluids I had emitted before tossing the towel off the bed and closing up my jeans.
I pulled her into my arms when I was done, pressing my lips to hers for a long moment, savoring the feel of her soft mouth on mine.
"Thank you, sweetheart, for giving this to me. That was...well, I actually don't have any words to describe it. I love you."
"I love you, too," she sighed. "Hmmm, I don't think I'll ever get over the way you look when you...ah..."
And she blushed bright red again as she fell silent.
I loudly exhaled down my nose and squeezed her just a little tighter before pulling up the comforter to cover us both.
"I can safely say that I return that sentiment unequivocally," I murmured. "You are a sight to behold, my love."
Bella snuggled closer and then yawned widely. "Oh, sorry. I think I'm still a little tired."
I chuckled. "It's not quite morning yet. Sleep a while."
"Hum my lullaby?" she requested sleepily.
I smiled as I kissed her hair.
"As you wish."
Endnote: Thank you for reading. Please do leave a review. They make my day. Really.
A link to Bella's dress can be found on my profile. I don't expect to do that a lot, but if you want the visual, please go check it out.
Next up, the visit to the Field Museum, the Opera and leaving Chicago. And perhaps a surprise encounter in the woods. At least, that is the plan. Unless Bella pulls an Edward and hijacks the chapter.
Till then,
TMOT