WARNING: Contains violence - please don't read if this will trigger anything negative. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk about anything.
Sorry for the unannounced hiatus. I'm back! I feel like my writing is getting weaker - bleh. This is pretty short, I'm sorry. Love you all, thanks for the continued support. Over 141 followers - I can't believe it! You guys are the best. xx
If you've never been in love before then you could never fathom the roller coaster Santana Lopez was riding the moment she fell for Quinn Fabray. She walked away from Quinn, her heart shattering all over again. She didn't think it was possible to feel this ache again, to feel this excruciating pain that made her feel like her heart was crumbling into microscopic pieces. So much had happened within the last 24 hours, that Santana's head and heart felt drunk.
Love is kind of like getting drunk. First it's a little painful, and hard, as you try to force alcohol down the right pipe just to feel something. Maybe a buzz. Or maybe your intent was to get shitfaced. Either way, it's hard at the end of it all. Then love (like alcohol) becomes easy to swallow - nearly inhale - and before you know it, as you take heaps and heaps of love, the next morning you wake up with a hangover of a heartache and you can't even remember how you got there in the first place.
Santana woke up in the middle of the night, sweat dripping, and breathing heavily caused from a nightmare that her mind unfortunately conjured up. Santana was walking down a hallway at McKinley High School and lined up against the lockers were not only a bunch of students, but specifically Finn, Puck, and even Brittany. And with these angry students, her parents, Coach Sylvester and even Quinn's parents were lined up against the lockers too. They were all screaming vicious venom for words.
"Dyke!"
"You're going to burn in hell!"
"Female faggot!"
"God hates you!"
"Freak!"
"MANtana!"
Santana woke up with a jolt, her mind spinning and her heart racing. Then she turned around and laid her eyes on a sleeping and somber Quinn. This was the moment that it dawned on Santana that she had fallen for this girl. It wasn't until that moment she was watching this girl's breath rise and fall on her chest, strands of short, blonde hair beautifully cascading down her face, with the moonlight shining through the curtains down on her soft face that Santana realized she had fallen in love with this girl. And it all came crashing down on Santana like a thunderstorm. She was in love with this girl.
Sharp pangs of guilt began to twist her heart and squeeze the insides of her stomach. Tears began to form in the corner of her eyes as she laid next to the girl she fell in love with as she slowly began to realize that this was a forbidden love. A love that was not allowed. A love that would be condemned. A love that would be laughed at. A love that would ruin her. A love that could actually in fact, literally kill her.
Santana couldn't afford to be gay. Santana couldn't label herself a lesbian. She had been fighting this feeling for far too long. She needed to end this "phase" of her life. Santana was better off tucking away these weird urges under her shirt and pretending she liked to be fondled by Puckerman. At least then, she didn't have all these crazy voices swimming in her head. At least then, she had the will and power to silence them all. The feeling of Quinn's skin made Santana want to do things she knew she would regret. Being with Quinn made her want to kiss her in public. And to Santana that was pretty much suicide.
And it scared Santana how much she loved Quinn. She loved her so much that she forgave her so quickly for the pain Quinn had caused for the last few months. It terrified Santana that someone had that much power over her and her heart - enough power to make Santana forgive them after shattering her heart and have enough power for her to want to come out of the deep closet of denial Santana had been in for quite some time now. It disgusted Santana - how weak Quinn made her. It reminded her of her mother and at that thought alone, Santana wanted to puke.
Her mother was weak. Always forgiving her father for cheating with sleazy women. Always forgiving her father for beating both Santana and herself. A coward. A weakling. A person Santana never wanted to be. And Santana didn't want anyone - even Quinn - to have that power over her.
Santana turned away from gazing at Quinn and laid on her back to stare at the ceiling.
"In the name of the father, the son and the Holy Spirit," she whispered to herself as she did the necessary gestures from her forehead to her shoulders and folded her hands accordingly, "Dear God," she quietly spoke out loud, "please forgive me for my sins," she closed her eyes tightly, trying to prevent from her tears from escaping, "I know I haven't talked to you lately and I usually only come to you when I need something, but please," she inhaled deeply as she felt a sharp pain in her heart, wanting to sob, "please, God give me the strength to leave her alone. Please, God give me the strength to get over her. To not need her anymore," Santana stopped talking as she glanced at Quinn shifting on the bed. After a couple minutes past, Santana took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling again.
"God, I hope this is the right thing to do," she took a quick glance at Quinn's body and she felt her heart ache even more, "Please, watch over her and make sure she also has the strength to let me go," Santana took a deep breath, "Amen."
And in her heart Santana made the commitment to leave when the opportunity came its way in the morning.
It was the memory of that moment and that prayer that gave Santana the strength to walk away from Quinn under those bleachers. In reality, she had been following the girl the entire day, wanting to make sure she was okay. Really, Santana heard what Quinn told Finn in the hallway and in that moment alone, Santana wanted to grab her hand and crash their lips and hearts into one in front of everyone, fearless of the consequences. But her head conjured up shrieking voices that scolded her for thinking thoughts of treachery. And as she the gravel beneath her feet began to crunch and it became a comforting noise, Quinn's pleading voice stopped her.
"Santana, wait!"
Out of bad habit, Santana turned around and as soon as she was facing Quinn's direction, Quinn grabbed her hand. Santana's automatic reflex was to snatch her hand away and put on her defense mode. HBIC mode.
"Stop it, Quinn, not here," Santana hissed, looking around anxiously, hoping no one was witnessing this sad and personal scene.
"Santana, I don't understand - " Quinn's shaky voice made it clear to Santana that she was desperate and on the verge of depression, but Santana had a reputation to uphold and her prayers would be answered.
"And you will never understand!" Santana snapped.
Santana knew she was wrong. Santana knew that Quinn would whole-heartedly understand. She understood from the beginning, that one rainy day they first revealed each other's truths. She understood and comprehended the secret that was slowly killing Santana inside, and Santana didn't know why, but it shook her soul that someone could understand the amount of pain she was going through. But no more - she decided. She figured if she ended this, the pain would stop, the voices would stop and she could finally have some peace. She wasn't going to be weak - hell no, she wouldn't be her mother.
"You will never understand the pain you put me through," Santana's voice dripped with hurt as her mind involuntarily took her to memories of her weeping in bathroom stalls by herself. A pain painted over Santana's eyes and a fear settled in her chest. The fear of being weak. The fear of becoming a loser. The fear of becoming her mother. The fear of being outed. The fear of everyone laughing at her face. The fear of her parents finding out the kind of freak she was. She took a deep breath and spoke to a higher power above in her mind.
"Please God," Santana pleaded in her mind, "I don't know where you've been all of my life, but just be here now and help me."
"Santana I'm - "
Santana doesn't know where it suddenly came from. This rage that had been burning inside of her. Maybe it was leftover from the day she slapped Quinn... Maybe God actually finally answered her prayers, but Santana snapped and anger filled her voice.
"Stop saying you're sorry because it doesn't help! It just makes me feel like shit because I feel like a horrible monster for not being able to forgive you."
Santana stood there wide-eyed, staring at Quinn who seemed to be on the brink of a breakdown. She didn't mean to be so harsh, but maybe it needed to be said. She didn't want a moment of weakness to come, so before it could she decided to leave.
"I'll see you around," she said quietly, leaving Quinn stunned in her own sadness.
Santana came home after Cheerios practice emotionally and physically exhausted. She plopped herself on her stained couch to let her body and mind rest from the chaos that was drowning her life. As soon as Santana closed her eyes for some rest, her mother's hoarse and angry voice rang through the house.
"What are you so fucking tired for? You didn't do shit," Santana's mother spat, "Get the fuck off the couch, I'm the one that's been working all day."
Santana glared at her mother, but didn't dare sass her back. Instead she stood up quietly, grabbed her backpack in silence and headed towards her room.
"Yea, go hide in your cave, you piece of shit! That's why you look like a bear, with that fat ass," Santana's mother snickered as she turned on the TV.
Santana slammed her door shut and pushed her back against it before sliding down as she broke down into tears.
"I fucking hate you," she cried silently.
Santana tried to control her breathing and to calm herself down of the tears before her mother could hear. She took a deep sigh when she heard her phone ringing and read the name Brittany.
"Hello?" Santana tried to sound as normal as possible, trying to keep her shit together.
"Santana," Brittany sounded afraid and in a panic, "Something's happened to Quinn."
"What?" Santana exclaimed, "What's going on Britt?"
"I-I don't know," Brittany stuttered, "My mom and I are following the ambulance. We found her on our street, I think someone must have hit her with a car. She was clutching a letter that had my name on it," Brittany sounded like she was on the verge of tears and running out of breath at that same time.
"Oh my God," Santana's eyes began to fill with tears, "Please Brittany, tell me she's okay."
"Pipe the fuck down in there!" Santana shook as she heard her mother scream from the living room.
"Santana, I don't know what to tell you," Brittany's voice shook on the other line, "But I read the letter and it was begging me to talk to you about her and you. Telling me that she had no other option - asking me to help her prove to you that she loves you. She explained in the letter that she was jealous of me all along and she admitted that she had no right to be because you and I are best friends and that Finn was a mistake," it was clear to Santana now that Brittany was crying heavily.
Santana's heart sunk and she cried with Brittany on the phone, "Oh, God, what have I done."
Santana's body jolted as she felt her mother bang on the door with a hard fist that made everything shake, "I said, shut the fuck up in there! Now open this door so I can shut you up myself!"
"Brittany, I have to go," Santana whispered as she crawled backwards, away from the door.
"What's going on Santana? Are you okay?" Brittany stopped crying and concern was clear in her voice, "Are you parents hurting you again?!"
Santana's mother banged on the door again, "Brittany, I really have to go."
"Damn it, Santana, I'm calling the police!"
"No, please don't worry about me. Please take care of Quinn and let her know that I love her and that I'll be there when - " but before Santana could finish her sentence or even her thought, her mother had busted the door open with one swift kick.
"What the hell did I just hear you say? You love her?!" Santana's mother was beyond infuriated, she marched up to Santana and grabbed her roughly by the pony tail.
"Mom, it's not what you think!" Santana cried and that was the last Brittany heard on the phone.
"Ay puta!" Santana's mother spat in her face, "No good dyke daughter of mine, I should've known since you were born!" She pulled Santana by the hair and threw her across the room.
Santana was crying, using her defenseless hands to try and shield herself from her mother's fury.
"Wait till your father gets home and I tell him," Santana's mother screamed, "He'll straighten you out."
"Mom, please don't!" Santana pleaded.
"¡Cállate! Puta!" Santana's mom slapped her across the face hard, "You're a fucking disgrace to this family. I should've known with all that time you spend with the blonde little bitch, Brittany."
"Don't you fucking call her a bitch!" it was the first time Santana had ever raised her voice to her mother.
Her mother slapped her again, harder, "You think this shit hurts, wait till your father gets his hands on you."
Both women heard the door slam right at the moment, making the both of them jump.
"What the fuck is all the commotion in here all about?!" Santana's father exclaimed as he made his way to Santana's room, "I fucking come home wanting peace and quiet and all I hear you two putas screaming outside of the house!" He wreaked of alcohol and clearly just came home from the bar.
Santana's mom pushed her towards her father, "Your daughter here should've been a son," she said with disgust, "She's a fucking lesbian!"
Santana's father grabbed her hard by the arm and yanked her to face his alcohol stenched face, "Oh so, you're a dyke now?"
Santana began to shudder and cry out of fear. It was no use, she was as good as dead anyway, so she stopped crying and she glared at her father as she stared him straight in the eye, "Yea, and I've fucked way more pussy than you," she gathered her spit and spat right in her father's face.
And that was the last thing Santana fully remembered. Other than that everything else was a string of events and a slur of memories. She remembers seeing blood all over her Cheerios uniform and hands and kitchen. And someone was carrying her out of her house and she remembers seeing red and blue lights flashing everywhere. Then the next thing she knew, her mind flashes and she's staring at the ceiling with what seemed to masked doctors and nurses running her somewhere. She could feel pain all over her face and body. It's hard to open her eyes and keep them open. She can't feel anything beyond her neck and she's sent into a panic that she's become paralyzed. She feels herself panic and then she sees one of the nurses place a mask over her face, pumping some kind of air into her lungs. She doesn't know what it is, but it drifts her off to sleep and as her eyes begin to droop, she's terrified of the dark that's about to come, but before she's sent off into a deep slumber, her mind drifts off to a memory where she's happiest and can be herself: with Quinn.
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over you're the start
You're my head
You're my heart