Chapter Fourteen- "I'm Gonna Try"

"Kensi," Nate's voice said. Kensi sat in a small little office with Nate sitting across from her. Kensi just stared out the window, she had been there with Nate for almost an hour and they hadn't really spoken at all. Kensi snapped out of her trace and look at Nate. "Everything okay?"

"Just thinking," Kensi said to him.

"About what?" Nate asked.

"Deeks," Kensi answered.

"What about him?" Nate asked.

"I wanted to talk to him. I kind of blew him off when I was released from the hospital," Kensi answered. "I didn't get to talk to him and now he's gone undercover."

"Dare I say it, how does that make you feel?" Nate said.

"To be honest with you I don't know," Kensi said to him. "I think I'm more worried about him because it's his first mission since the abduction and he doesn't have us."

"Doesn't have you?" Nate said.

"What if I think I should be there?" Kensi said.

"It's only natural, you are his partner," Nate said. "It's showing that you want to be there."

"But I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like this," Kensi said.

"Why is that?" Nate asked.

"Because I have been…. Because of the way I have been acting," Kensi said. "Yet all I can do is think about how Deeks isn't going to be able to do this. Then I think about how I should have his back and then I remember I've been suspended. I have made a mess of everything and now when I'm needed most I can't be there."

"What make you think you are needed most right now?" Nate asked her.

"Because Deeks needs someone he can trust to have his back," Kensi said. "He needs to know that he will make it out."

"What make you think he doesn't have that?" Nate asked.

"I don't know, I guess I'm just making things up in my head. Maybe I'm making this all up so that way I am needed. Make up for everything I've done." Kensi said. "I mean I don't know anything about the case."

"Worrying about things you don't know won't help you," Nate said. "This also could be you worrying that since you didn't have his back the last time that history could repeat itself. Kensi to move past that you need to let go. You need to realize that there is nothing you could have done. Who's to say if you had done something it would have made a difference? Or maybe it would have made it worse? You can think about the what ifs all you want, but it's not going to change anything."

"I was supposed to have his back," Kensi said as tears started fill in her eyes.

"And you do," Nate said.

"I didn't that day," Kensi said. "Hetty spilt us up. Deeks was with Sam and Michelle and I was with Callen. I was supposed to cover Michelle, Deeks was covering Sam. We should have known this, we're bound to fall from there."

"Do you blame Hetty?" Nate asked.

"No," Kensi said. "I guess I just don't understand why she spilt us up. I mean she could tell me over and over again, but still don't think it will ever make sense."

"Does this change you view of Hetty?" Nate asked.

"No… I don't know… Maybe," Kensi said. "I know she has all these reason's behind why she does what she does, I guess I'm just not ready to know some of those reasons."

"So you know this has gone from being about Deeks to being about Hetty," Nate said.

"Guess it's working then," Kensi said.

"Would you like to call it a day?" Nate asked.

"Is that your way of saying it be better if we continue talking tomorrow?" Kensi asked.

"Just looking to see if you would like to continue talking or call it a day?" Nate said.

"Guess it be better to call it day," Kensi said.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow, same time?" Nate said.

"Yeah," Kensi said. She then got up fro the chair and headed out of the room.

"We have less then 12 hours to get this up and running, or Alvarez goes in there and most likely won't come out," Deeks said as he walked into ops.

"We have your new identity all set and it goes back awhile," Eric said. He then handed Deeks a new licenses.

"What is this?" Deeks said, "You have me going in as myself?"

"Yes Mr. Deeks," Hetty said as she walked into ops. "I had cleared in with Bates. You will be going in as Detective Marty Deeks the dirty cop."

"We altered a lot of stuff in your history," Eric said. "There might even be a warrant out for your arrest."

"Going in as a dirty cop or dirty ex-cop might win you some point with them," Callen said.

"I need to know if I go in there I won't get Alvarez killed," Deeks said.

"You got Callen and I, we aren't going to do anything to get either of you killed," Sam said.

"I know," Deeks said. "Lets do this." Deeks then walked out of ops and headed down to his desk. He didn't notice that Sam had followed him.

"This isn't about Detective Alvarez is it?" Sam asked. Deeks turned and faced Sam.

"If I wasn't for me he wouldn't have been sucked into our world and they'd be finishing up this mission. I just owe him this," Deeks said.

"You can say what you want, but we all know this is about more then just Detective Alvarez," Sam said. "She is your partner, it's only natural you want her here."

"I know what you are trying to do Sam and I appreciate it, but I need to focus on this." Deeks said trying to really avoid the subject.

"Just know we are here for you," Sam said.

"I know," Deeks said. "Now I just need to figure out how to get in the door, wish me luck." Deeks then grabbed his stuff and headed out of the building. Unknowing to him that Sam had wished him luck as he left.

AN: sorry it's been a bit. Kind of got stuck on where to go from here. I had and idea but making it come it life has been a bit harder, but working it out. Also it's getting to be the end of my semester, so been focusing on that. Once I'm finished will get back to writing this story. Have this idea and want to write out.