In the days that followed, Meri fell into a steady routine. She began her mornings with meditation and then began the habit of studying in the Temple archives. On Urukier she had began the study of fighting with two lightsabres and wanted to continue in that now that she was here and had more information at her disposal.
Hours fell away when she immersed herself in the ancient tomes and sometimes she even forgot to break for lunch. Late afternoons were occupied by a vigorous training session, where she forgot everything but the power of the Force flowing through her.
She felt calm and at peace, in a way she hadn't for many years when she walked the halls of the Temple.
She did miss Urukier; the lonely sound of the waves crashing on shore as she meditated, the warmth of the sun on the sand and especially the friends she had made in Dylan and Lyida. She would never forget them or what they had done for her there. They had been there for her in a time when those she had trusted most abandoned her.
Meri allowed herself a weary yet satisfied sigh as she entered the new rooms she had been assigned upon her arrival. She had been almost surprised by the quality of the rooms they had given her. Most Knight's quarters were cramped spaces with four walls.
Instead she'd been given an open sitting room with floor length windows looking out over Coruscant. Adjoining this room was the sleep area. Smaller yet, but still she didn't feel cramped. It was almost as though they were trying to placate her.
She huffed silently at that thought as she worked to loose the long braid that hung over her shoulder. She didn't wonder at the thought they were trying to keep her quite about what had gone on. But they needn't worry. Keeping quiet accomplished her own ends as well as theirs. Only a handful knew about what had happened to her on Urukier and more importantly why. She intended to keep it that way. For all purposes, the past had never happened. He had never happened.
Meri shook loose her hair, until it fell around her shoulders in thick waves. She let out another sigh as she massaged her scalp with her fingers. The dark mass was heavy and lately she had begun seriously contemplating cutting it.
Slipping the knot loose around her neck, Meri let her dark green robe slide from her shoulders. Just then her door chimed.
Meri glanced at the wall chrono and then laid her robe over a chair as she headed for the door. The hour was late for someone to call, but perhaps it was Obi-Wan. She could hope. Even so, she drew the power of the Force around her, so that it shielded her.
When the door slid open, Meri fought to keep her face impassive, but her normally warm brown eyes chilled. One slender brow rose in haughty question as she tried to stamp down the emotions that automatically flooded her whenever she was near him.
"Yes?"
Alex imagined the single word dripped icicles, but he wasn't about to let the cold reception distract him from what he had come to do. He folded his hands resolutely in front of him, his own ice blue eyes becoming hard.
"I came to apologize for the other day. It was…wrong of me."
He didn't look sorry to Meri. His handsome face was hard, his eyes cool. She didn't see one spec of remorse there.
"Fine then. Apology accepted, Master Arieh." Without waiting for a response, she turned to the safety of inside.
Despite all his good intentions, Alex felt himself responding to her flippant dismissal of his apology. She hadn't been innocent in their brief war of words.
Without thought, he reached out to stop her, his hand fastening like an iron band around her wrist as he pulled. What followed affected them both.
A dizzy array of jumbled images cascaded through his mind and Meri turned as though she'd been struck, jerking her arm out of his grasp, her face pale.
"Don't touch me!" she said sharply, pulling away from him and drawing her dignity around her like a cloak.
Alex was confused for only a moment by the rush before his head cleared. "I wasn't the only one who said things they shouldn't have."
"Don't expect an apology from me, Master Arieh."
His title sounded like a dirty word on her lips and his irritation swelled, but he forced himself to take a deep breath and take a step back, both mentally and physically. This wasn't accomplishing anything. They were right back were they had started.
He clenched his jaw and swallowed his wounded pride. "I won't. You were right. And I'm sorry."
She looked so taken aback at his words that he felt a twinge of guilt. Clearly she hadn't expected him to bend to her and as a Jedi Master he should have control. Why then was he finding that so difficult?
Meri made no reply to his words, but simply regarded him quietly. 'Almost warily', he thought. Perhaps his hasty words of the other day had hurt her more than he had thought. Remorse filled him.
He began to take a step closer, but Meri held out a hand. "Don't. Please, just go. Your apology is accepted," she said, her voice full of defeat he didn't understand.
Alex paused mid-step, but leaving didn't even enter his mind. Carefully he studied her and couldn't help feeling some triumph when he saw the mask on her face crack and the hand she held out tremble. She wasn't completely indifferent after all.
With reflexes that bespoke his heritage of the Force, he reached out and clasped her hand in his, never once taking his eyes off her face.
She reacted immediately, trying to jerk her hand desperately out of his. "Let go!"
But he held fast, the emotions he saw flitting through the depths of her dark eyes intriguing him. "Meri," he began and at the sound of her name, she stilled suddenly. "Somewhere along the way I've lost sight of the padawan I thought I knew."
As he spoke, he watched her closely in a manner that unnerved her. "I'd like to get to know that person again. To get to know you again, Meri," and in a gesture he didn't understand himself, he stroked the palm of her hand with his thumb before he finally released it. "I am glad your back. Can we start this reunion over?"
He felt a brief surge of self-satisfaction as she let out a shaky sigh before steadying enough to look him in the eye. He felt that satisfaction waver at the determined expression that quickly followed.
"No, Master Arieh."
And before he could respond, she had stepped inside and he found himself staring at the dark gray of the metal doors in disbelief.
**
Remembrance part 2: Urukier Infirmary
The darkness inside her was heavy and spread through her body like cold spears of ice. She couldn't escape it. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried, she ended up still trapped in this body that had betrayed her. The despair inside her was a living thing, coiling in the pit of her stomach, pulling at her, always pulling at her.
She was almost desperate to escape it and the yawning emptiness inside that seemed to keep growing by the second. She was lost in a pit of darkness and no matter how loud she screamed for help, no matter how long she called his name, no one came. He had left her. He had promised never to leave her…he had promised.
"No…"
Even though she knew she was the one speaking, the voice didn't sound like her own. She was still swimming under the surface of the drugs that flooded her system. The room was blurry, and she could only sense the person by her bed in the faintest light. The person was touching her hand and everything inside her rebelled at the contact.
But the closer she swam to the surface, the more she realized she couldn't move. The twinge of fear grew and with a gasping breath she managed to push to the surface. Her eyes fluttered open and panic set in as she realized she was tied down. She could hardly breathe.
The halls echoed with her screams. She called for him and began to struggle and the more she struggled, the more she panicked. It never crossed her mind to control it, to ask why. She was in a place beyond the realm of sanity. The soft voice that tried to soothe her fell on deaf ears, the hands that tried to placate her were ignored.
"Alex!!!"
The shrieks were full of terror, fear of being left behind, of being left alone. It was a living thing, choking her, and in desperation she reached for the Force. The ties at her hands and feet began to slip apart and she struggled harder.
Then people came, they were trying to stop her, the person at her side was trying to stop her and she didn't think. She simply acted and committed a crime a Jedi in his right mind would be banished for.
"No!"
Dylan was slammed up against the wall by an invisible hand, his breath knocked out of him before he fell in a heap on the floor. Dazed and not a little afraid, he looked up and watched in shock as Meri used the Force to fling a healer away as if he were a doll.
Another slammed into the wall next to him, before falling unconscious at his side. For the first time, Dylan feared the Jedi. The healers still standing kept trying to rush her, but before they could get near the girl shaking uncontrollably on the bed, they were flung aside. Objects began to whirl across the room, some hitting those who were trying to help and others bouncing off the wall before they fell to the floor with a clatter.
Suddenly everything stopped and Dylan's ears rang at the abrupt silence. The only sounds were the gasping breaths of the young women huddled in the middle of the bed as she rocked in grief and the ragged breathing of the healers who began warily to get to their feet.
It was then that Dylan noticed the blue figure standing in the doorway, with his hand outstretched toward the broken Jedi and a look of infinite pain on his face at what he had just found.
"No more, Meri," he finally murmured. His voice was calm and yet filled with anguish for the young woman.
And she cried.
Meri felt a sense of triumph as the door closed behind her and she moved with even strides further into the room. It had taken her over a year to come back from the darkness she'd fallen into when he had broken their bond. It had been a hard and long climb back up. Sometimes she had simply wanted to give up. Life hadn't been worth living without him in the beginning. Now, she didn't need him for life to matter.
Now, fours year later, she would never let him that close again. The breaking of their Union bond had left scars too deep and too easily remembered. He couldn't just waltz back into her life and expect her to greet him with open arms. Meri understood he knew nothing of what she had been through, and she intended to keep it that way. He would never know what pain he had caused her. Darkness she almost hadn't found her way out of.
She would never risk herself like that again. She had been young, and foolish. And had gone into the relationship unknowing where it would lead, and of how much pain it could cause. She was wiser now, and older.
She had been afraid that if faced with the situation she had just handled, she would crumble in front of him. But she hadn't, and she felt a burgeoning sense of accomplishment because of this. She hadn't faltered.
Not to say she wasn't irritated with his little display of charm. It had been almost amusing really. Meri knew he could charm most women right off their feet with one flash of his smile and a twinkle of those sky blue eyes. It had been satisfying to see the expression cross his face when she said 'No' to his request. It had felt good to say and she been very irritated when he hadn't let go of her. She didn't like him touching her. It made her feels things again…things best left forgotten by them both.
He would know better now. She was hoping this would settle things in his mind, for it was already settled in hers. She really hadn't expected this move from him. She had expected him to try and make contact, to find out why she'd been gone so long, but she hadn't expected him to ask what he had. Something she wasn't capable of giving him. She wished he could have stayed angry with her. It would have made things easier.
However…if he persisted…
Meri frowned at the thought. She really didn't want to think about that.
If she was honest with herself, she knew she was weak where he was concerned. Five years she'd been away from him. Foolish of her to think now, coming back, he would have no effect on her. She couldn't let him know, could never let him see the truth. This time she wasn't afraid of denial or of being turned away.
Deep down, she was afraid he would remember and then she would be asked to give something she no longer had the strength to give.