Am I dead?
I wanted to say it so desperately, but my mouth was so dry that I couldn't. When I finally cracked my eyes open, I just wanted to close them again. If this is Heaven, I'm checking out.
Bright white lights were in my face and people were all around me.
"You idiot," Dimitri kept mumbling. "You friggin' idiot..."
My brother never used that word unless he was really angry.
I guess I was a master at doing that, especially nowadays.
"Give her some slack," Blondie whispered to him.
"Slack? Slack? She tried to kill herself Brendon!"
"She didn't mean it," he was stammering. "I - I know she didn't."
"Please," I could pracitcally see Dimitri rubbing his temples. "Please, just, shut up..."
"How's she doing?" Feverent asked, her voice unnaturally soft.
"Still out," Dimitri replied.
"What say you, Blondie?"
"I've been told to shut up," at this I just knew he stuck his tongue out at Dimitri, to which Dimitri rolled his eyes, followed by a soft shoving war.
"Break it up, you too. It's only going to make it harder."
I coughed, an awake cough, which gave it all away.
"Congratulations," Dimitri said sarcastically. Certainly he crossed his arms. "You've successfully managed to postpone the Games for two days. Are you happy?"
"Would've been called off, or they would've replaced me if Snow wasn't going to kill me," I whispered softly, fragile like.
"Oh, please. Anastasia, everything's not all about you!"
"Since when?" I snapped, now opening my eyes and glaring at him. "You haven't let anything not be about me since we were born! Especially when I lost my legs! It's all me, me, me. Sometimes, I wished that it wasn't all about me! You've never let me do one independant thing in my life since I forgot how to walk! The only time I've had even a taste of freedom was here, in this retched place, and now, I'm realizing, I don't even have that! You would make it just so much easier if you left.That's the one thing that would make me happiest right now."
He was at a loss of words. "Have you always felt like that?" he asked after a moment.
"Uh, yeah. I thought it was pretty obvious."
Cumbersome silence engulfed the room. No one spoke. No one moved. I don't even think we were breathing at one point.
"So I see," there was something too final about it. Dimitri stood and rubbed a hand over his features. "I'll be back to uh - uh, yeah..." He walked out, slamming the door behind him.
"I better go check on him," Feverent said quietly, slipping out behind him.
"Are you happy now?" Blondie's voice wasn't as stern as Dimitri's. It was heart broken.
"No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know."
"Were you gonna do it?" he asked, his eyes hard with pain.
I shrugged. "Probably."
"Why?"
"It's just, I couldn't take it anymore! I finally understood that no matter what I did, what measures and mannors I took to make sure the people I cared about were safe, they wouldn't be! That I was just another pawn controlled by the Capitol and President Snow. I was a worthless piece that he was going to just toss away the moment he got a chance. He's not going to make it easy."
"He's not going to make what easy?"
"My death," I replied curtly, staring at the blank ceiling. "He'll make it brutal, heart wrenching. He'll make sure I suffer. That's why I wanted to do it. I wanted to get it over with so I'd miss all of that pain. I think I just brought it on myself faster." I shifted on my pillow so my whole body was facing him. "I wasn't going to do it," I answered. "It wasn't me who pulled the trigger. It was just a desperate plea that I didn't think about. I wasn't in my right mind."
Blondie nodded, trailing his eyes away from mine. Then he smiled halfway. "Good news is, you got a perfect twelve."
I almost shot up from the bed. "I what?"
"Got a perfect twelve. It's all over the news." He turned on a TV, and while most were just talking about a sudden "unknown" cause of the delaying of the Games that season, one finally showed the rankings.
"Even though President Snow was alerted not long after Five was done in the rankings, we still managed to sqeeuze everyone in, just in time I might add," a snobby Gamemaker, the same one who was talking about me the night before, said to a reporter.
"Jimmy, can you give us any incite as to what happened there last night?" the reporter was quick with the next question. They showed a small clip in the upper corner of the screen, where an ambulance was leaving the hotel.
"I can't reveal too much. But - " he smiled into the camera. "There was a small disturbance of the peace last night, a misdemeanor if you will. Everything is straightened out now and President Snow asures everything is going to be fixed in time for the Games." Jimmy glanced at his watch and waved for the cameras. "I've got a meeting to get to."
"Thanks for your time," the reporter smiled. "Back to you, Callie."
Blondie muted the TV and grinned. "You're world news and they don't even realize it."
"World," I said the word softly, quickly.
"Huh?"
"World. The world. I wonder if the rest of the world is like this, if maybe there are other people out there, living on the outskirts of civilization, under no rules but the ones they've set."
"There's always been the possibility of Rebels in District Thirteen - "
"Not the districts. Outside of that, all of them, even Thirteen. Where no one is controlled by anyone and they live life peacefully, freely." I looked at him. "That's what I want. A world outside of Panem. A world that's all my own."
"Don't be going all Alice in Wonderland on me," he smiled and grabbed my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Blondie then bent down and kissed my knuckles. "I'm glad you're back."
"Better than ever. Plus, on the bright side, this gives that new Seven girl more time to train."
"Looks to me like she doesn't need it," he unmuted the television, where we saw that the girl - named Pinesley - got a perfect twelve like me. Apparently she was skilled in martial arts and great with a sword.
I secretly prayed that there wouldn't be any in the Arena.
The Next Day
"Oh, thank God! I'd almost forgotten what non-steralized food tasted like!" I continually stuffed myself with pancakes and eggs, OJ by the gallon and milk by the carton. I was having my own personal feast.
"Better slow down, sass-a-frass," Equa warned, pulling drag off of one of Dariya's cigarrettes. They didn't mind sharing. "Or else you won't be able to fit into your dress."
I rolled my eyes and just for good measure drowned my pancakes in syrup.
She rolled her eyes back and blew a puff of smoke at me.
And, like any well respected older twin brother, Dimitri had comepletely shut down when it came to me. We'd practically become enemies over night. I can't say it's a bad thing.
I can't say I like it, either.
"Do you think we should incorporate her wheelchair?" Feverent asked Rae over a morning paper and coffee. "I mean, what if her legs go out just all of a sudden?"
"Well, we'd have to make a special rule. She either goes in there with the wheelchair or without. It'd be like giving her and upper advantage, and no one else on the council is going to jump for that."
"We should at least see what we can do. I want her to win. I need her to win." She smiled at me, which was weird.
"What's up with Feverent?" I whispered to Dimitri, who looked away in response.
"Ohh-kay then," I turned back to my food, listening as their conversation went on.
"Just see what you can do?" Feverent was near begging.
"Fine, fine. I'll just call President Snow and - "
"No!" I said, too loudly, too quickly. They all gave me a sideways glance. "I - I mean, no, don't worry about it. We've already talked it through with the judges" - Lie number one, my brain reminded me - "and the verdict is I go in with my chair. It's how I started, and it's how I'm going to end." Lie number two. Good going, Anne. Good going.
Rae glanced at his watch. "Alright then. Let's get you suited up, little Miss Anya. You're fiasco bumped the interviews to twelve, so we can have last minute trainings, goodbyes, etc., before tomorrow morning. We need you up at ten sharp. You'll be in the arena by eleven." I nodded, shoving my plate away and standing, walking behind Rae.
I gave one more look to my brother, hoping he'd return it.
He didn't.
"You - look - magnificent. If I do say so myself," Rae smiled as he teased the last bit of my hair.
"You've always been one to boast," Feverent said, leaning against the wall. "But I believe, for once, you're right." She laughed and walked over, turning my chair so I could see myself in the mirror.
He was right.
He went for a sweet, modern, natural look. The dress was a soft pastel pink, lighter than any I'd ever seen, coming off in a shell-like cut. It cut off just below the knee. A small white cardigan was covering my shoulders, and my hair was pinned back into a bun, tucked just under my right ear. Little strings escaped from it, my curls, and finally, he added a brown and black, speckled white feather, attached to my smidge of bang. I wore big black heels that were so chic even Feverent was jealous.
I was stunning, even from my point of view.
Feverent carressed the feather, smoothing it back. "You look gorgeous, honey."
"Okay," I smiled, "what has gotten into you? The both of you?"
Feverent glanced at Rae. "Should we tell her?" she tried to mouth but she was speaking clear as day, which almost made me laugh.
He shrugged. "I don't see why not."
Feverent tapped her chin. "Hmm...I can't make it too easy. Ooh, I know!" She grabbed a napkin from the makeup counter and scribbled letters on it, handing it to me.
N
"Three words, three guesses." She grinned, wrapping and arm around her stomach.
"I - " I started, but was cut off as people from the film staff starting piling in, asking if I was ready. Before I knew it, I was shipped off once again to the TV station. Dimitri, who was going for a suave James Bond look, didn't speak to me for the entire ride.
"Are you going to be sulled up forever?" I asked him.
No answer.
"You know we can't go into the Games like this..."
No answer, not even a look.
"I mean, seriously, Dimitri. I can't - you know, this is why I tried to kill myself in the first place!" And lie number three. Ding-ding, we have a winner!
He gulped hard, trying to find the words to say.
I didn't even let him have a chance.
"You know what? Fine! Don't talk to me! I'd rather do this by myself anyway." When the car stopped, I let myself out, glancing back one last time. "I hate you." I slammed the door, walking away, looking back once.
My brother was crying in the backseat.
Laughter and clapping erupted as everyone filed on stage. Dimitri and I, even though not seven inches apart, were farther away than we'd ever been. There was nothing but cold in between us. I hadn't meant what I said, but he wasn't going to listen to me now. I wouldn't listen to me.
When Caesar walked on stage, you would've thought all heck had broken loose. Screams filled the air, cheers, arms in the air, people in the front row jumping up to try and touch his pant leg.
"You don't think he's famous, do you?" I whispered sarcastically to myself, something I normally would've asked to Dimitri, who would have biten back a laugh.
I almost hate my life.
Caesar waved to the crowd, silencing them as the large "APPLAUSE" sign clicked off. He took a seat and began the interviews. I didn't pay attention. I didn't care. From what I'd figured out - and it wasn't a lot - my death was to be postponed until the very end, as if they would make sure that I didn't die until then. They would take every means necessary to make sure I died when President Snow wanted me to.
I was still a pawn. Still controlled. I almost wanted to pick up that gun again and make sure that Blondie didn't push me out of the way, to do it when they'd never suspect it.
I'd thought I'd done that in the first place.
Then again, it wasn't planned.
But it was too late now.
Dimitri was going before me this time, for what reason I had no idea, and I tried to give him a reassuring touch. He shoved me off.
"Have it that way," I snarled, crossing my arms. It was just my luck that the cameras caught it.
Dimitri sat tensely, glaring at Caesar, the cameras.
Caesar tsked. "Everything okay between you and your sister?"
"Yeah," Dimitri said sourly, crossing his legs and arms. "Everything's just peachy."
My brother didn't handle emotions well. Can you tell?
"Are you nervous about the Games tomorrow?"
Dimitri gave Caesar a hard look. "Yes."
Caesar smiled his buck-tooth donkey smile at the crowd, causing more laughter and clapping. He laughed. "So I see...now, Dimitri, we're here for one thing and one thing only; to show your scores."
"Show them," he shrugged, leaning back in his chair.
Dimitri's picture flashed up on an unlimited supply of TVs, one right above our heads and the others scattered to the sides and in the back of the crowded room.
"Dimitri Flemhoff with a score of seven." An intercomed voice said overhead, the same voice that would be telling us who had died or if any changes had been made during the course of the Games.
"Seven. Like your girlfriend?"
This caught Dimitri off guard, causing him to jump up to the edge of his seat. "She - she's not my girlfriend."
"Really? I believe this says different."
And then, my oh so perfect brother was ratted out on national TV. It showed him and Trisha, Dimitri pushing her up against the wall on a sudden whim, and slowly drawing her into a kiss.
My smile was so wide I honestly thought I was going to break my face. I began to laugh quietly. "And you tell me not to do things on a whim?"
Dimitri's cheeks were red and flarring. "How did you...?"
Caesar smirked, nodding slowly. Dimitri reclused.
The buzzer sounded, slowly bringing it to a close. "I believe," Caesar said slowly, "that we are out of time. Thank you. A round of applause for Mr. Dimitri Flemhoff, the boy with a dream!" Caesar lifted his hand high into the air, and several girls screamed in delight.
My brother was famous.
Now if only it was in a good way, like his church, or his sermons.
Just not this way.
"Your turn," Dimitri told me coldly. I stood and shoved past him, sitting down in the appropriate chair this time.
"Last time you were here, if I recall correctly, you were in a wheelchair." He smiled at me, so fake it was genuine.
"A lot has changed since then," I told him.
He nodded. "Well, our latest report says something happened two nights ago. Can you give us any insight as to what happened?"
I looked to the cameras.
Feverent was makign faces at me, telling me to keep quiet.
I just couldn't.
"You had your whim moment Dimitri," I muttered. "Now it's my turn."
I sat up straight, aimed my eyes straight for the camera, and said, "I tried to kill myself."