A/N: It's been a while, but here we are! Happy New Year to you all, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. We are getting into the nitty gritty of our dear Reader's emotional dilemma. Is she still in love with Rick? Or is there something else working it's way into her heart...or someone else? We will find out eventually lol
Work is kicking my ass, and for those of you who read my last chapter notes, know I got a new job. It's tons of stuff to do, and I'll be out of town most of next week for work as well. Can't say when I will update again, but from the looks of my schedule it'll most likely be done on Friday's. As always, please comment and like!
The Savior's statue, at least that's what you had named it, was slowly becoming your favorite spot in this entire place. It was isolated, and no one ever really came down here. It was nice and quiet, and almost every day you had come down here to finish your work. Ever since that night with Negan, he had eased up on you, putting you in charge of inventory instead of maid duties. The very next day he had called you into his room, and you were expecting him to scold you, or worse. Instead, he just handed you some books and told you to look over them. He hadn't said much else after that, and even though he had been less than kind to you for a while, you felt like you should've apologized for what you said to him. You were always far too kind to people who didn't deserve it, but you had to tell yourself he truly did need to know how you felt, even if you weren't sure of what exactly you felt to begin with. Everything was just so confusing for you now.
You looked down at the composition book in your hands, marking down some numbers from the last run. Even though you were wearing gloves, the cold still bit through, and you could feel your fingers stiffening around the pen. Still, you'd take this weather and the isolation over being inside the sanctuary. It didn't help that your room was so close to Negan's and his wives. Every time you had to head out for a meal, or work you had to look both ways outside the door. The last thing you needed was to face Amber or Tiffany, especially after seeing the latter face deep in the other. You cringed at the memory, really not over the fact that you had to bear witness to it all.
"I set you up in a nice fucking room, and instead I find you playing winter wonderland."
Your heart sped up when you heard his voice, and you could feel your muscles tense. It wasn't like you hated the man, but ever since that night you tried to avoid him. There wasn't any kind way to put it; it's just that…well, being around Negan was beginning to feel odd. Whether it was because he kissed you on the cheek, or because he reminded you of Rick, you weren't entirely sure yet. You just knew it made things feel extremely awkward now.
"I just like it out here better."
Negan scoffed at your remark, and you instantly turned your gaze to the leader of the saviors. His appearance took you a bit by surprise, because he wasn't wearing his usual leather jacket. Instead, he opted to put on a long coat that hung around his larger frame rather nicely. The tail of his coat belts flew in the biting wind, and it was so odd seeing him in it. Apparently, even Negan could get cold.
"Did you run the numbers?"
His tone turned serious now, and with a sigh you pushed yourself off the ground and leaned against the statue. "I'm almost done with them, don't worry." With shivering fingers you plucked at the snow that clung to your hair, eyes meeting his for the first time in a while. His features were set in an unreadable expression, but as he walked over to you, you could see that twinkle behind his eyes that he always got around you. It would seem your words from the other night were not enough to quell that desire he had. It almost made your chest tighten with a semblance of guilt, because you couldn't put out the fire he had for you. Whatever he wanted from you, even if it was as simple as sex, was not something you could give the man.
Negan stopped just in front of you, eyes trailing over your figure before reaching forward. You tensed when his gloved hand came closer, your breath stuck in your lungs, and yet all he did was grab the edge of the composition book from your hands. He pulled it from your grasp, dusting the snow off the cover before flipping through its contents, face falling instantly once he read your work.
"Are we this fucking low on food?"
With a sympathetic look, you nodded. It wasn't news he wanted to hear, considering it was his duty to feed and house the people here. But, you couldn't lie about something like this. However, seeing him disappointed by that fact surprised you. He truly did care for the people here, in his own twisted sense of way.
"Fucking shit." You watched as Negan rubbed at his beard, brain probably storming for some bright ideas on how to fix this issue.
"Listen, I can go out on a run, it'll be easier for me if I go alone. There's a chance-"
Negan's hand came up to silence you, and you'd be lying if you said his look didn't scare you. The anger building behind his gaze was enough to shut even the bravest of people up.
"Not one fucking chance are you leaving this goddamn place."
He roughly closed the book, rubbing at his temples in frustration before speaking again. "I'll figure it the fuck out. We'll just do some collections early. Split the food halfway."
Deep down you knew it was the only option presenting itself right now, but taking from the other groups was always something that didn't sit well with you. Mainly because it didn't really feel like sharing, like some of the other Savior's so delicately put it. But, this wasn't your place to rule.
Negan was about to walk off, but he turned to look at you, his curios gaze venturing up and down your body as his mouth dipped into a scowl. "You look like fucking shit, sweetheart. How long have you been out here?"
Though you took offense to his comment, you elected to ignore it this time in favor of responding. "A couple of hours at least."
"Your face is fucking red, and you're shivering like a goddamn stray dog. Get back inside, and that's not a fucking request."
You shuffled your feet in your boots, wanting so badly to stay out but he was going to wait right there until you complied. These are the moments that made this place feel like a prison sometimes. With great reluctance, you moved towards him satisfying him enough that he began walking ahead of you making you work extra to catch up with his longer strides. You watched him from behind, wondering if he was truly hurt by what you said the other day. Surely he wasn't though. This was Negan after all, he couldn't possibly be that easily offended. Your eyes shifted to the belts of his coat, just focusing in on them as they flung around. It was a nice coat, and you had to admire the way it hung around his form. It made him look more distinguished than usual.
"It looks good on you." The words flew from your mouth before you could truly think them through, and as soon as he turned his head to you, smirk in place; you knew you were going to regret it.
"Was that a goddamn compliment?"
With a groan, you started picking up the pace, attempting to walk ahead of him and away from his smug expression.
"Forget I said anything."
Negan only chuckled, his arm coming to wrap around your shoulders and bringing you closer to him. It was enough for you to feel the warmth seeping from his body, his breath breezing over your cold cheek, and in this weather it was oddly comforting.
"Come on now, doll. Looks like I'm starting to fucking grow on you. About mother fucking time."
With a soft push to his chest, you rid yourself of him, shooting him an annoyed look. But, Negan was always nothing if not persistent. He easily caught up to you, his hand coming to rest on your shoulder as he led you inside the sanctuary. Every time one of his men would pass, his grip would tighten around your shoulder, and you knew what he was playing at. Yet, you didn't fight him on it this time, it's not like you had an interest in anyone here. Hell, better yet if some of his men did finally leave you alone. Sometimes, it was endless cat calls and wolf whistles with the lot of them. They may be loyal to Negan, but damn did he know how to pick the douche bags that were left in this world.
Negan led you around a corner, his hand never leaving you as he led you upstairs now. It was in the direction of all your rooms, and you vaguely wondered what he wanted. If he wasn't going to let you go on a run, he could've left you outside to complete the rest of your work he bothered you about. You both stopped just in front of his room, the large doors shadowing over you and making you take a step back.
"What are we-"
"Holy shit, sweetheart. Fucking relax will you?"
When you looked up at him in confusion, he sighed in annoyance. He reached forward and opened his door, shoving you inside and locking it behind him. "I was freezing my fucking balls off outside, we can finish this shit in here." He lifted the book in his hand, and headed over to his desk taking a seat on the leather chair he had.
It was a bit awkward standing there, and you looked around the room to occupy yourself. This wasn't where you wanted to be right now, and there he was propping his boots on top of the desk as he flipped through the book again. How could he act like this? You almost envied his ability to not trouble himself with past events. Or maybe you were making a big deal out of nothing now…And yet, you were still mildly angry at him for whatever reason.
"Make us some tea."
You turned to look at Negan, his gaze fixated on the pages in front of him as he pointed towards his kitchen. It was a bit annoying being told to do so, but you had to admit something warm did sound nice right now, so mostly for your benefit you obliged. You sifted through his cabinet for a kettle and were surprised to see he had many different flavors to choose from in his tea selection. But, considering the itch in your throat you had been getting, you went for chamomile. As the kettle of water warmed over the fireplace in his room, you kneeled down next to it that itch in your throat coming back. You held your palm over your mouth, suddenly coughing harshly against it.
"Ugh…" You wipe your hand across your pants, retrieving the kettle and moving to the counter. You gazed in Negan's direction, only to find him already staring at you intently.
"Wh-What?"
Negan throws the book onto his desk, clasping his hands together as he leaned forward on it. "Don't fucking tell me you're getting sick? Fan-fucking-tastic."
"No, Negan. No…I'm fine."
You knew he was worried about something spreading around the compound, but after the issue with the food shortage you figured he didn't need to worry about this. It really wasn't anything serious, you thought. The cough had been developing over the last few days, but nothing you couldn't handle. His gaze stood on you for a second, as if he was contemplating your answer, but when you stopped coughing and waved him off he decided not to argue. Which you were more than grateful for. You poured the tea into two mugs, looking around his kitchen for honey but with no such luck. You supposed his room couldn't hold all the treasures of this planet.
"Here." You placed his cup on his desk in front of him, taking a seat across from Negan as you took a sip from your tea. The warmth of the liquid going down your throat made you sigh, and you leaned back into the chair enjoying the heat of the cup in your hands.
Negan grabbed the mug, taking a large gulp before combing through his files he kept on the other groups he took from. You both sat there in silence for a while, and all you could do was watch him as he tried to find a solution to his problem. It must be hell being him sometimes, you thought. Negan had to take charge of everyone here, and considering just how many people that was, you felt bad for him. Maybe you could let up on some of the anger you were holding for him, and just stop taking everything he did personally. Even though you were sure he meant it to be so, because this was Negan you were talking about.
You sniffed as you held the mug up, the steam easing the congestion you were starting to feel. The pressure behind your forehead and nose was building, and it was taking every ounce of your strength not to cough or sneeze in front of him.
"There's no goddamn way we can make a run."
Negan's voice cut through your thoughts, and you glanced up to see him lean back in his chair with a grunt. The frustration behind his eyes was building, and you placed your mug on the desk as you moved forward to grab the book. Every page that you turned only made your own worry rise, because truthfully this amount of food would not last the winter. Really, the only option was to go out and forage or, unfortunately, take from the other groups. You placed the book back onto the desk, and ran a hand through your hair as you looked over at him.
"Look, Negan your men's trucks won't be able to make it through the snow right now, even the larger ones. And sending too many people on foot is risky, I get that."
Negan rested his cheek on his palm, his eyes trained on you as you tried to plead your case to him.
"But, you can afford to let one person go and-"
"That ain't happening."
"But-"
"Don't fucking ask me again."
He said it with such a finished tone that you didn't bother saying what you wanted. He wasn't going to budge, and all you could chalk it up to was that he still didn't trust you enough. But, you so desperately wanted to regain whatever trust he had for you before, because then you could be back out there and actually helping instead of sitting around all day jotting down numbers.
"Look at you."
Negan 's deep voice quickly gained your attention, and you set your eyes on him as he leaned forward towards you. He brought a hand up, fingers reaching out to brush the fallen strands of hair from your flushed face. The fever you were getting was bad enough, but when his roughened fingertips grazed over your cheek the heat on your face only got worse. He smirked at you, not missing the way your cheeks reddened against his touch.
"So desperate for me to trust you. Well, sorry to disappoint you sweetheart but I don't."
He didn't need to say it, because after the day you took off you already knew he no longer held any faith in you. But, if you could convince him to let you go on a run then maybe he would start to again. The trick was getting him to agree to that. If only he was as easy as Rick to convince.
The feeling of his warm palm against your cheek made you look up, and all too suddenly you were remembering the kiss. The way his lips felt against your cheek, that he was now caressing softly, in a very caring manner that was so unlike Negan and yet you were certain he didn't mean anything by it.
"Listen, sweetheart. Don't go getting any ideas about hopping those fences, and heading out on your own. Because, if you try anything stupid like that again, I won't be so fucking nice anymore."
Your eyes came up to meet his, but you didn't respond. You simply stared at him, not really sure what was going through your own head. All you knew, was that the feeling of his hand against you was making your heart wrench, and you'd give anything to make it go away.
"You're not him…" It was barely a whisper that came out, but Negan was able to hear something.
"What did you say?"
With widened eyes, you pushed off the chair and his hand fell from your face as you backed up against his wall of books in your haste to remove yourself from this situation. Negan just eyed you oddly, browns knitting together as he tried to figure you out.
"I didn't…" The words wouldn't come out though, and you felt the sweat from your fever dripping down the back of your neck. Whatever he was doing to you, you just wanted it to stop. Being sick wasn't helping any, and between your own physical fatigue, your mental state wasn't doing so hot either.
Negan let out a breath, his back pressing firmly against his chair as he tilted his head with a grin. "Well holy shit. You're remembering that kiss aren't you, darling?" He laughed heartily, grin widening into a full blown smile when he looked at the panicked look you had on your face. "You are, aren't you? Oh, this is perfect! All this fucking time brushing me off, only to now be getting all hot and bothered about a fucking kiss."
With every word he said you could feel your emotions boiling. "It was just a kiss on the cheek, hardly worth meriting any praise!" You bit back, still lowering your voice just enough so no one walking the halls could hear.
Negan only continued laughing though, and he seemed even more amused when you pushed yourself away from the book case and headed towards the door. "Oh come on now, sweetheart! I'm just busting your balls."
But, you didn't bother listening to him anymore, because if he wanted to revert back to being an ass then he could do that alone. There was no need for you to be part of it. By the time you reached his door, his laughter had died down, and Negan only turned in his chair as he followed your retreating form. He squinted his eyes at you, his own mind trying to figure out the very enigma you were.
With a slam of your bedroom door you entered your room, and you paced around for a good minute trying to rid yourself of the frustration you felt. It never failed for him to find some way to get under your skin, and you could pretend you were patient but now with someone like him that was very hard to do. You plopped down onto your bed, closing your eyes as a wave of dizziness overcame you.
"Just fucking great." You spoke aloud, wiping away the small beads of sweat that formed on your heated skin. A shower was all you wanted, and after having stripped yourself of your clothing you walked into the water, leaning against the tiles of the walls as the cold water hit you. Whatever this illness was, you just hoped it'd go away soon because Negan was already enough to have to deal with.