Poor Pepper Potts idly scrolled through her Facebook timeline, casually mumbling out loud on the topic of her seething hatred for every one of her 'friends.'
"Oh, you're pregnant are you? Well that's wonderful. I hope the little bastard enjoys its fetal alcohol syndrome," she grumbled. Tony laughed on the other side of the room, but Pepper assumed he hadn't heard her. The psychopath was speaking with Bruce on the phone.
"No-, No I know you aren't a pedophile, man…Yeah, twelve year olds these days are basically porn stars…For real, dude, it was a mistake anyone could've made-…I feel you- you what?" Tony choked on his breath and Pepper turned to look at him. If something was bad enough to shock the Tony Stark, shit just went down.
"Bruce, that's not cool-…don't try to justify it! You need to go see someone- one second." Tony looked at Pepper, and she blinked and looked away when she realized that he'd caught her staring with her mouth open.
"Pepper, you'll never guess what Bruce did!" he shouted at her.
"What?"
"I said, 'You'll never guess what Bruce did,'" the man said again. Pepper rolled her eyes.
"I heard what you said. I was asking what he did."
"You could've been clearer about that."
"Fuck you," Pepper grunted and turned back around in time to see a private message pop up. It was from Natasha.
"He fucked a twelve year old Canadian."
"Oh my god," Pepper gasped, her head snapping back to look at Tony.
"Yeah, then he turned into the hulk and got really drunk."
"I didn't know the hulk could get drunk," Pepper suggested. Tony laughed and shrugged.
"Maybe he wasn't drunk, but he did break into the pet store, as the hulk, and tried to teach the fish to walk."
"What?"
"Maybe he wasn't drunk, but he did break into the pet store, as the hulk, and tried to teach the fish to walk."
"Are you fucking kidding me Tony?"
"When the police showed up he was screaming EVOLUTION! EVOLUTION! YOU'VE GOT TO EVOLVE OR YOU'LL NEVER SURVIVE!"
Pepper and Tony both laughed for a long time.
"Hang on; I got a Facebook message from Natasha."
"What'd she say?"
Pepper scanned the text briefly.
"She said, um, lots of vulgar lesbian sex terms, and then at the end she said 'take the bananas out of the crate and give them to the Russian monk in the mountains of Minnesota.' What the hell?" Pepper hesitated when Tony suddenly shot out of his seat and ran over to her. He read the message over her shoulder.
"Pepper, I need to go. There's an emergency-"
"What?"
"I said-"
"Shut up Tony. Where are you going?"
"It's a secret."
With this Tony ran out the house, got into his Iron Man suit and flew away, leaving Pepper bewildered and confused, like she usually was.
Two or three hours later Tony called Pepper on her cell and she answered with an irritated 'What?'
"Hey Pepper. So, this is hilarious, we've been kidnapped by Al Qaeda."
"What?" Pepper gasped.
"God damn it Pepper, you need a hearing aid. We've been kidnapped by Al Qaeda. We need you to come help us."
"No, I'm not going to do that."
"Why?" Tony gasped.
"Because I feel like you people are lying to me, like you always do."
"We're not lying Pepper."
"Well then don't worry; I'm not lucky enough to have you die. I'm sure you'll be back and annoying as ever tomorrow." She was about to hang up, but Tony spoke up before she could.
"God you suck the fun out of everything. We're trying to throw you a surprise party for being the best Pepper there ever was."
Pepper sighed.
"Sorry, Where are you guys? I'll come-"
"Don't bother."
Tony hung up, and Pepper slumped.
"God damn it," she snarled and went back to sifting through boring/irritating Facebook posts.