I try to wait for her arrival, but I feel drowsy. I close my eyes for just a minute, and when again they open, the nurses and doctor is back. The Doctor wraps a blood pressure cuff around my arm, while a nurse looks into my eyes.

"Can we do this later?" I ask them.

"You asked for five minutes, we gave you ten. What are you so anxious about, anyway? Your blood pressure is sky high." I sigh.

"Katniss is coming to see me." I say, hoping they'll get the point and leave me alone, but they don't. Maybe she won't even come. No matter, I'll kill her tomorrow. They think I'm in love with her, they won't keep us away from each other for too long.

Then the door opens and she stands there, looking at me.

I don't see hate. I don't see evil. I don't see anything bad in her eyes. I see hope and happiness and relief.

Don't be stupid! Don't fall for her lies again, you idiot! She killed your family!

I think as I step closer to her. She steps closer to me.

She tried to kill you!

Almost there…

She killed your baby!

And now I'm within arms length of her. I close my hands around her neck.

Yes, it's working! She's dying! No one else will die because of her!

She turns blue but then something hard hits me in the head.

When I wake up, I'm restrained. No big deal, I'm used to it. I'm hoping to see Boggs or Gale or someone that can confirm whether I was successful in killing the mutt or not. I was knocked out, so I wasn't sure. But no one familiar to me comes in. Even the nurse and doctor I had before have been replaced.

A doctor comes in, one I haven't seen before. She tells me her name is Doctor Hersch. She puts on a pair of gloves and with no emotion at all, sits next to me and tells me, "You've been hijacked by the Capitol," and before I can ask her what she means, she goes on, like she knows what I was going to ask.

"It means they used tracker jacker venom and subconscious manipulation to trigger your fear receptors in your brain. They successfully altered your memories to make you unsure of what is real and what isn't."

I know. What I don't know, is which is which.

"We don't have much information on hijackings or treatment, but myself and a few other doctors specializing in mental disorders will be observing you and trying to reverse the process. We may or may not succeed."

So far, I like this doctor. I like that she doesn't try to make me feel better. She says what I need to hear and that is it. If I don't like it, oh well. She seems trustworthy.

So did Snow.

"How do I know I can trust you?"

I say.

Very matter-of-factly, She takes off my restraints. "I'll let go of your restraints. Any treatment will be completely up to you. If you don't want us to help you get better, we won't and that will be the end of it. But, if you don't let us treat you, you won't ever see anyone familiar to you again because you're dangerous to them. It's all up to you."

Snow never gave me an option.

"Do you want help, Peeta? Or don't you?"

I nod.

The rest of the day is spent with me drinking a certain kind of tonic made in 13 that will help my body drain the venom that still lingers. I'm given all the food and water I ask for, which is a huge relief, because I'm tired of the dirty water and stale bread I had in the prison.

My doctor gives me a sketch pad and some colored pencils, so that I can draw. She thinks getting me back to doing something I used to enjoy will help bring back positive memories and help the therapy.

At the end of the day, I've drawn mostly different pictures of the meadow in District 12, and pictures of the Games we were in. There is one drawing in particular though that I can't stop thinking about. I drew a picture of Prim on reaping day, walking up to the stage. Prim wasn't reaped. Katniss was. And my intent was to draw Katniss walking up to that stage. But she never took form, my hands drew Prim instead.

I sleep peacefully. And when I say peacefully, it means that I'm not woken up to sobs and screams or fighting like I'm so used to. I still have horrible nightmares and I toss and turn, but it's peaceful compared to what I am used to.

The next day, Doctor Hersch brings two more doctors in, I'm assuming they're also mental health professionals.

They sit down around me. One on my right and left, one at the foot of my bed. They all have pens and clipboards in their hands. They look at me expectantly. Doctor Hersch looks down at me. "Peeta, this is going to be a very long process."

I nod.

"I need you to tell us about your life. What is your earliest memory?"

"I don't know, I guess there are a lot."

"Think back really hard, Peeta. The earliest one you can remember."

My grandmother.

"My grandmother rocking me to sleep."

"How did you feel while your grandmother was rocking you to sleep? Were there any emotions that didn't seem to fit that situation?"

"I felt sleepy, calm, at peace. No, there weren't any emotions that didn't fit."

"What about the facts? Was there anything about it that didn't seem quite right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, was there anything out of place? Maybe a clock that, in the memory, was in a different place than you are familiar with it being in?"

"No, we didn't have a clock in the living room."

"Was there anything about the memory that seemed to stand out?"

"In what way?"

"Any. Just, really, anything at all that stood out. It could be that the moon was unusually bright that night, or it could be that it was hotter than it should have been for that time of year."

"No, nothing."

She asks me those and more questions about every memory I have from the time I was four years old to the time I was eleven, but she avoids all memories having to do with Katniss.

"I think we're done for today," She says, and the doctors put their clip boards down and get up to leave.

"Don't you want to know about Katniss?" I ask. This makes Doctor Hersch stop, but then, without turning to face me, she walks out the door and says, "Not yet."

The next day is the same, I told her my life story from eleven years old until now. She still hasn't asked about Katniss. It gets later, and she sends the other doctors away, but stays in my room during dinner, and she eats with me.

Dinner is nothing but small talk, but after, she tells me her results.

"Based on what you've told me, it doesn't look like Snow touched any memories you've had that doesn't relate directly to either the war or Katniss. We'll focus on those tomorrow."

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm apprehensive about it.

Of course, since I'm a little worried about what the next day will bring, night goes by quickly, and before I know it, Doctor Hersch and her two accompanying specialists surround my chair again.

She sets a briefcase down on the table.

"What's in there?" I ask her.

"Tracker Jacker Venom." She tells me.

"What?"

"Relax, Peeta. I don't know if we'll even be using it yet. And even if I decide we should, it's still all up to you."

I take a few breaths. "Thank you for being so honest with me."

'That's my job."

Don't let your guard down you idiot!

"Are you ready for the tough stuff, Peeta?"

"Yes." I say, though I'm not sure I am.

"Make sure you record this," she tells the other two specialists. They snap their pens, ready.

"Peeta, please tell me your first memory of Katniss."

I proceed to tell her about the first day of school, when I first saw her. When she asks me if anything stands out or seems off, my answer is no. When she asks me if there are any negative emotions associated with the memory, I can't find any.

It's the only good memory I have associated with the real Katniss. The one that isn't here anymore.

"Good, then that matches the tape."

"What?"

Doctor Hersch must have heard about my episode on the hovercraft, because she warns me when she's about to take out a tape. Regardless, when I see the flashy metal disc, the flashback returns. The one I had on the hovercraft.

When it's over, she asks me if it's okay to continue. I nod.

Katniss and I sit in the cave during the first Hunger Games. I have to remind myself over and over again not to feel the hatred or betrayal or fear of the Katniss I am watching. She is real. She isn't the one who caused me so much pain. That girl is dead. Just like everything else I have that's been taken from me.

On the tape, in that cave, on that day, Katniss says, "Peeta, you said in the interview you had a crush on me forever. When did forever start?"

I watch myself tell her the story. About seeing her on that first day of school. About how my father wanted to marry her mother, but she chose the coal miner instead because, well, "When he sang, even the birds stopped to listen."

That sentence triggered another memory, one I thought was long gone. When I was lying on the riverbank near death, and what told me that Katniss was alive was a Mockingjay carrying her song, singing to me in her voice. That triggered even another memory.

"Stop the tape!" I say, before I lose my hold on it. Doctor Hersch immediately shuts off the tape and listens to me intently.

"The second clear memory I have of her, it's coming back to me."

I didn't notice it, but even some memories that Snow didn't touch, became harder to reach after the hijacking. I guess once I started associating everything bad with the mutt Katniss, I hid the good memories of her away. But I tell myself that mutt Katniss isn't real Katniss' fault.

"Go on, Peeta."

"We were nine, and in a music assembly, for school. The teacher asked who knew the valley song," I start to say. Then the doctor interrupts.

"What's the valley song, Peeta?"

"Deep in the meadow, under the willow, a bed of grass, a soft green pillow,…"

She looks at me with curiosity. But, I don't remember the rest of the song.

I curse Snow out loud for taking it from me. It wasn't enough to trick me into falling for the mutt Katniss, but he took real memories of the real Katniss away from me by triggering fear.

"I don't know."

"And the memory," She says, "If you can retrieve it."

"Well, the teacher asked if anyone knew the valley song, and Katniss' hand shot straight up. She sang it, and at that point, the crush developed into more."

The doctors stop writing.

"But, Peeta, in your interview, you said you had a crush on her forever. You said nothing about love."

"I lied. I can't remember why."

"Are you sure? Or did Snow alter this memory?"

It breaks what's left of my heart that I don't know the answer to that question.

"Truth is, Snow could have altered any of my memories. I have no way of knowing."

She grimly looks up. This is the first look of sympathy I've seen from her. But in a second, it's gone.

"Let's move on." She says.

She continues to ask me if there was anything about the memory that stood out but I couldn't think of anything. Then she asks for the next memory.

For the next hour, I tell her about the mine explosion her dad was in, she and her family starving, Katniss going into the woods and bringing home pine needles. All the way up to when I saw her outside the bakery on that rainy day.

"And what was she doing?"

"She was digging through the trash to find food."

"What happened then?"

"My mother shouted at her and she started to leave, but then fell against a tree from the weakness. And looked at me."

Doctor Hersch urges me to go on with her eyes.

"Then, I burnt two loaves of bread on purpose. I was going to throw them to her but before I could, Gale helped her up off the tree."

They stop writing again. "What is it?" I ask.

"Just keep going, Peeta."

"Anyway, Gale shows up and tells Katniss that he has fresh game. Deer. He holds up a bag. She smiles at him, thankful for the food, and tells him she hasn't had deer in a long time. Then they walk away hand in hand, and my mother is standing next to me. She tells me that Katniss doesn't need me. No one ever will."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"And what about this stands out? What doesn't fit?"

Nothing. This is what happened.

"It was… more defined than the rest. Easier to remember."

It's just a clear memory. You're going to confuse them and fuck up your treatment.

The doctors look at each other, hopefully.

"What does that mean?"

"It could mean Snow touched that memory. It could mean it's just a clear memory. We'll have to watch for patterns and see what we can piece together. What I can tell you, is that memory is inaccurate."

"It is?"

"Based on what you told Katniss in that cave, yes. To what degree, I'm not certain."

Doctor Hersch plays the tape. It's still in the tv, so I don't get the flashback. The flashback episodes are very painful. I never want to see a tape again in my life.

She presses a button and the tape skips backwards in scenes. She stops it and in the tape, I tell Katniss, "Lucky he didn't catch you too."

Who? I can't remember.

"He did. But he let me go. He asked me about Rue and I told him about Marvel,"

"Stop the tape!" I say, grabbing my hair with both my hands and grunting.

"What is it?"

"I can't tell you how it feels to watch yourself living on tape and not remember anything about it. It seems like someone else's life, not mine."

"Can you explain?"

"Rue? Marvel? I don't know who they are. The names don't even ring a bell."

"Interesting. Let me just show you the bread part, and then we'll focus on what you do remember about the first Games."

She hits play.

"About the flowers, about the song, he told me he heard the song when injured and it gave him the strength to keep going."

"He let you go because he didn't want to owe you anything?" I ask her on tape.

"Yes, I don't expect you to understand it. You'd always had enough. But if you lived in the Seam, I wouldn't have to explain."

This girl? You were in love with this girl?

"And don't try, obviously I'm too dim to get it."

"It's like the bread, how I never seem to get over owing you for that." She says.

The bread? What bread?

You gave her no bread.

"I didn't give her any bread though. Gale showed up." I say. She shushes me, telling me to listen.

"The bread? From when we were kids? I think we can let that go, I mean, you just brought me back from the dead."

"But you didn't know me. We had never spoken. Besides, it's the first gift that's always the hardest to pay back. I wouldn't have even been here to do it if you hadn't helped me then."

Doctor Hersch flicks off the television.

She stares at me expectantly, but I'm so confused I have nothing to say, and I'm getting a huge headache.

"I never gave her any bread…" I begin.

"Peeta, you did. I'm not sure what the details were, but you just said it."

I did. My own self on that television. I said it, I must have known then. It's driving me crazy not knowing how or why I did it, either. I mean, I really didn't know her. There was the whole love thing, but other than that, I know no details.

They doctored the tape! It's been done before! Don't be stupid this time around!

Why would they do that after being so up front with me?

Don't fall for it! Don't trust anyone! Trust leads to betrayal! There's no other route!

"I think, it may be best for you to watch the entire tape of the first Games, rather than you tell me what you remember about them."

She agrees to stay with me while I watch. And we agreed I'd ask her to stop the tape when something in the tape doesn't match what I remember.

Most of the tape I don't remember happening at all. It's like I'm watching the Games for the first time. But certain other things I remember happening a different way.

And it all started with the reaping.