****So Here we are- another dozy- sorry I know it's the holidays!!
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**As always Twilight is not mine.
Chapter 11 - Consequences
Bella:
"Bella, honey, wake up. I love you; we're here. Please wake up, baby." The soft lilting of my mom's voice called out to me, but she sounded so far away. Something wasn't right; I felt groggy. I tried to open my eyes and look at her. The light hurt, so I closed them again.
"The light hurts her eyes, Charlie. Please, turn it down." That was my mom again, talking to my dad. What were they doing here together? I opened my eyes again, focusing on my mom's worried face.
"Mom?" I whispered. I looked around and caught sight of my dad who stood behind her. I was in a hospital bed. Lifting my arm, I stared at the IV that was stuck into my wrist. My other arm seemed heavy, so I looked over at it. It was wrapped in a cast and propped on pillows.
What?
I blinked at my mom, frowning. Pictures were flashing in my mind; broken glass, metal, and Edward bleeding? "Edward?" My hand pressed to my forehead. I remembered pain- unrelenting pain and fear. My hands flew to my belly. Terror crashed all around me, and I looked at my mother. "Mom?" My voice shook, came out barely a whisper.
Mom's eyes filled with tears, and I knew without her having to say anything.
My baby was gone.
No, No, NO, no! I squeezed my eyes shut. Agony clawed at my heart; I choked on despair, and tears ran from my eyes. I heard a strange keening sound and realized it was me.
Someone was holding my hand, squeezing it. I opened my eyes, and my dad was there sitting beside me. "Daddy…" Huge sobs broke from between my lips. I gasped and shuddered as the trembling started in my hands and moved through out me. I put my hand in my hair and pulled.
Oh God, oh God. It was too much, I couldn't stand it.
Edward, what did you do? I couldn't breathe.
I gasped, pulling in air. Small, pain-filled moans fell from my lips.
Edward. The keening was getting louder.
"Bella," my dad sounded worried. "Bella, calm down sweetie."
The wailing changed and became screams.
My dad's arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. "Renee, get the nurse."
Everything was a blur of confusion. Faces I didn't recognize hovered over me. Screams were echoing through the room.
A white light flashed as a cool liquid filled me, and welcomed darkness came again.
Edward:
"What's going on? What happened? Where's Bella?" I was terrified; I couldn't remember anything. I was in a hospital bed, my leg was propped up and in a cast, and every time I moved it hurt.
My family hovered around me. Emmett was holding Rose and stroking her hair. Her head was buried in his chest, and I heard quiet sobs coming from her. My dad stood and watched me with a pained look on his face. Jasper was next to him, his face a blank mask. My mom sat beside me with tears streaming down her face. Her hand grasped mine tightly.
My dad walked forward to the bed and looked intently into my eyes, "You were in a car accident, Edward. You had to be rushed to the hospital."
Accident? I looked away from him, covering my eyes with my hand and shaking my head.
That hurts. I touched my forehead and felt the bandage there.
What's going on?
"Where's Bella?" I asked again. No one seemed to want to look at me. "Where is she? Is she okay?" I looked at my mother, begging, "Please."
"She's in another part of the hospital, Edward." My mom finally answered me. She reached forward to caress my cheek, her face a mask of worry. Her fingers were hesitant as they fell to my shoulder and squeezed gently.
"Mom, what are you hiding from me? Please." My hands were shaking; I fisted the sheet in them to make them stop.
Anguish filled my heart, as more tears began to run down Mom's face.
Oh my God. What?
I wanted to scream at someone. I needed to know. The scream built in my throat and got stuck there. It was hard to breathe, and I gasped.
"Is Bella okay? Is she hurt?" My voice trembled. My hands swept over my face rubbing my eyes. "Where is she? Please, you have to tell me everything. What happened?"
Mom's hand was still brushing across my shoulder. "When you were brought in, you were both unconscious. They had to rush you to surgery. Your leg…" Mom looked at the cast on my leg and grimaced. She choked on a sob and looked over at my dad.
Dad cleared his throat and walked closer to the bed. " Edward, your leg was broken in three places. You had surgery so that it could be reset. Your ankle was crushed so they had to insert a pin through it, to keep it aligned and steady with the rest of your leg." He let out a deep sigh and pointed at the bandage on my forehead. "You hit the steering wheel during the accident. The bandage on your head is covering a wide gash that required thirteen stitches to close it up. You also cracked three of your ribs when the airbag hit you."
I tried to process what he was saying, but none of it mattered. He was talking about me, but I wanted to know about Bella. "Forget about me. I don't care. What about her? What about Bella?!"
"Bella's going be okay, my sweet boy." She spoke softly, but her words held a double meaning. I saw her and Dad exchange looks.
Comprehension dawned on me, and I trembled, choking on my words, "The baby's… not… is she?" I looked down at the bed.
The baby. Oh my God, what have I done?
Everything came back to me then- the fight with Bella, her screaming at me about the red light.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the images and groaned as they broke through and raced through my mind.
I heard screeching tires and knew I couldn't stop. The car was sliding. I couldn't control it. The red from the light reflected off the car hood. I looked over at Bella. A truck was smashing into her side of the car.
Bella and our baby.
My hands covered my eyes, trying to block out the images. The car was spinning, and my head hit the steering wheel. Bella's screams filled the air. Her screams now echoed through my head.
"She was the one who was hit. I saw the truck hit her side of the car. How badly is she hurt?" My eyes flashed wildly between my mom and dad.
Rose spoke up. Her voice was muffled, because her head was still buried in Emmett's chest. "She has a broken arm, and is bruised up pretty badly. She lost a lot of blood when… They just let her out of the ICU this morning."
"This morning? How long has it been?"
"Three days," Mom whispered, squeezing my hand again.
Three days! My mind was too full. Everything was rushing at me and I couldn't concentrate. Bella, hurt, our baby gone, three days ago…
Then it hit me- "It's my fault." Despair and guilt weighed heavily on me. My mother tried to soothe me. I jerked away from her. "No! It's my fault."
Oh, God. It's my fault. Everything that had happened- the crash, Bella's injuries, the baby… all of it happened because of me.
I felt sick, and my stomach heaved. I leaned over the bed; someone put a waste basket under my head. I retched into it, emptying my stomach and still heaving more. I felt a cool cloth on the back of my neck. I tried to breathe, but it was difficult. My chest felt like a huge weight was resting on it.
"Bella." I whispered. Bella. I had to get to her; she would need me.
Would she? It's my fault.
I shook my head. I had to go to her. I looked at my dad, pleading. "I want to go to her."
He shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea. Your injuries…"
I cut him off as I said, "Emmett?"
Emmett looked over at me and nodded. "I'll be right back." He left the room and came back with a wheelchair.
Sitting up, I winced against the soreness in my chest. Grabbing the side rail I pushed myself up. I gasped at the pain and fell back down to the bed. My fists clenched in my lap and I stared up at my brothers. Jasper came over, and both he and Emmett picked me up and sat me in the chair.
I yelled out when they lifted me. It hurt. My chest felt like it was being stabbed with a thousand knives. My vision swam before my eyes as I leant back. I closed my eyes to stop the dizziness.
"Edward," Mom sobbed, "you're going to hurt yourself."
I didn't care.
A nurse rushed into the room and frowned, disapprovingly. Shaking her head, she checked my bandaged forehead. "What is going on in here? Why are you out of bed?"
I ignored her. "Let's go." I grabbed the wheels and inched forward. Emmett came from behind and gave me a push.
As we left the room I could hear my dad speaking with the nurse.
We took the elevator up to the next floor. Emmett pushed me down the hallway and stopped in front of a room. The door was shut and the blinds were closed. I swallowed and looked up at him.
"I'll go in by myself," I whispered to Emmett.
He opened the door for me, and I grabbed the wheels moving myself inside. It hurt to move my arms, but I didn't want Em to come in with me. This was private, and I needed to see her alone. Sucking it up, I wheeled inside to see my girl.
I wasn't prepared for what was waiting for me there.
Bella was sitting up in her bed with her head turned to the side staring blankly at the wall.
A lone light was on that cast a soft glow about the room. An IV pole stood next to her bed. The line from it disappeared underneath her sheets.
"Bella?" I whispered.
She turned, and I gasped. A large bruise covered the right side of her face. Her right arm lay in a cast on the bed. Her eyes stared blankly out at me.
I moved in closer to her. She looked so broken. Her face was blank, like she didn't even recognize that I was there. Her eyes were so dark and empty.
My fault.
I laid my hand over hers. She looked down at them.
When she looked back up at me, I saw pain; her face was twisted with it. She raised her hand and touched the bandage on my head. Her body jerked in reaction, and her hand fell back to the bed. Her eyes darkened as she stared at me.
She looked away and swallowed. When her eyes met mine again they were filled with hate. My breathing stuttered, as my heart clenched. Oh God. Misery filled every pore in my body.
"Get out," she whispered.
I stared at her, desperation beginning to creep into my chest. "Bella, I…."
"Get out," she said again, more forcefully this time.
"I hate you." Her eyes were on fire with it.
I rolled backwards, away from her, unable to bear it. My heart pounded as I continued to stare at her.
She hated me?
She began grabbing her hair, pulling at it harshly. Her breathing became erratic, and her body trembled.
"Get out!! Get out!!" she screamed. Her face was red, and tears streamed from her eyes.
I couldn't move. The pain in my heart expanded, and I clenched my fists in my lap. I felt helpless, useless against her hate and her pain.
She began throwing things at me: her remote, her box of tissues, whatever she could find.
"Why, Edward?! Why!?"
Every cell in me wanted to go to her, but she screamed at me again.
"I hate you!"
She doubled over in the bed, gasping for air. Her body was convulsing and twitching against her bed. I felt powerless, and I just stared at her as my hands involuntarily reached out towards her.
She made this strange sound in her throat, a desperate wail, which kept getting louder.
Suddenly, Emmett was there, pulling me back from the room. Charlie rushed past me as he frantically called his daughter's name.
Oh my God. What could I do? Why was this happening? I'm so sorry.
I bent over in my chair and put my hands over my face. I heard the nurses rush by and enter Bella's room. I stayed there, next to her door, listening. Her wailing quieted to soft moans. She said my name. It was filled with anguish. I flinched as it pierced my heart.
"Jesus, Edward, are you alright? What the hell happened in there?" Emmett asked as he wheeled the chair back to the elevator.
I didn't answer him. I had nothing he would want to hear, because, no, I was not alright. I would never be alright again. I deserved her hate. Everything was entirely my fault, and there was nothing I could do or say that would ever change that.
--xx--
"Charlie, please let me talk to her." I begged, as I pressed the phone tightly against my ear.
It had been two weeks since I was released from the hospital. Bella had gone home before me. I had to stay longer due to the second surgery I had on my leg. They removed the pin from my ankle, and applied a more permanent cast. I didn't want to be there and everyday I had begged to go home. Finally, the doctor had signed me out with the promise that I would stay off my leg at home.
I had tried to see her the very next day, but failed. Charlie wouldn't let me. He wouldn't even let me talk to her.
"You don't understand, Edward. She's not talking to anyone. You're only making it worse. Please stop calling." The dial tone buzzed in my ear after he hung up.
I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe without her. Misery followed me everywhere. My heart ached constantly. The need to be with her overwhelmed me and made it difficult to go on.
I spent a day in the nursery my mom and Bella had set up. The pretty pink bedding they had purchased on their shopping trip stacked neatly against the wall. The crib stood, glaringly empty. The closet was open showing the frilly dresses and shoes they had picked out for her.
I bent forward to pick up the small teddy bear that lay abandoned on the floor. I glared at it. All my pain focused on the bear. I could feel the anger rising within me. Anger at myself.
I would never get to hold her! Never get to see her face. Never see Bella with our baby girl.
Another piece of my heart broke off as I stared blankly at the bear. I felt dead inside. She would be here if it wasn't for me.
If I hadn't killed her.
Grief filled me. My face contorted and I leaned forward in my chair. She was mine. My baby.. I was her father and I… A wail broke from my lips as I curled further into myself.
I stayed in that room until the sun set. Never moving from that spot, and keeping the bear tightly grasped in my hand.
--xx--
God, I needed Bella. I needed to talk to her about this. We needed to be together to help each other. She had to forgive me. I couldn't loose them both. I wouldn't survive it.
I could barely walk; my left leg was in a cast up to my thigh. I couldn't drive. No one would take me to her house after the first time.
My mind was dissolving. I stared at the floor. No tears would come, my eyes remained dry. It was impossible for me to cry. I didn't deserve the release of tears.
I hurt everywhere.
I missed Bella.
--xx--
"Jesus! Just take me over there, please!" No one understood. If I could just see her, I could tell her I was sorry, make her love me again. My mom and dad stood in front of the door, a united front against me.
"Edward," Mom spoke softly, "You can't go over there."
My hands fisted in my hair. I pulled then ran them down my face in frustration. I turned my wheelchair around, rolling away from them.
I will go over there, somehow.
Emmett was home for the holiday break. His door was open, and I wheeled into his room. "Help me," I pleaded. I was desperate. "You have to help me get over to her."
He eyed me skeptically and glanced at the open door. I shut it. "I don't know, Edward. You could just make things worse."
"Please, Emmett."
--xx--
A few days later I got my chance. Mom and Dad were gone for the day.
Emmett helped me into the car, carefully situating my leg as best we could. My crutches were in the back seat.
Once there, Emmett supported my weight as I got out of the car. He grabbed the crutches from the back and assisted me in steadying myself on them. I thanked him quietly before looking up at Bella's door.
Nervously, I started forward, leaning heavily on the crutches. The steps were impossible. I couldn't do it. I threw a pleading glance back at Emmett.
We struggled, but I finally made it up to her front door. I swallowed apprehensively
and stared at it.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Worry laced Emmett's words. His eyes were tight as he looked at me. I nodded my head.
He walked away back down to the car. Timidly, I knocked on the door. I heard something on the other side. A loud cry, then something dropped and shattered.
"Bella?" I knocked louder. I leaned against the door. "Bella, please let me in." I could feel her. I knew she was on the other side of the door. My palm pressed to the door, trying to feel her warmth through it. "Please, baby, open the door. Let me talk to you."
Everything was quiet. The warmth was gone. She had left. I knocked harder and louder again. "Bella , please." I began to sob. "I love you. I'm so sorry. God.. I'm sorry. Please… Please." My hand splayed over the door. My body shook, and I started yelling. "Bella! Open the door! Don't do this! I love you! Please, I can't lose both of you. I can't stand it." Desperation filled me as I stood there, helpless. My body ached, and I hurt internally. My leg was beginning to throb. My heart hurt the worst of all.
I kept knocking, pleading with her to open the door. I don't know how long I stood there. Time lost all meaning.
Emmett's hand fell on my shoulder. "Edward, she's not answering. We should go."
My head swam, and my vision blurred. I fell heavily into him as my good leg gave out beneath me. Emmett stumbled backwards while he tried to right himself and catch me. The crutches slipped from under my arms, and I crashed to the ground.
"Shit." Emmett cursed loudly. "Edward?"
I laid on her porch staring at her ceiling. She won't talk to me.
I don't know how I ended up getting home. Everything was black after I lost Bella.
Everyday from then on was black.
Bella:
He was here. Startled, I dropped the glass of water I was holding. It shattered across the floor.
He was calling out to me. "Bella? Bella, please let me in." I walked up to the door and stood in front of it. My hand reached out to grip the doorknob.
"Please, baby, open the door. Let me talk to you."
A dull roar sounded through my ears. Baby?…. Baby?!
Stepping back from the door, I let out an anguished sob and went upstairs to my room. I fell on the bed and pulled the covers up over my head. I could still hear him. He was begging, pleading for me to let him in. I pulled the pillow down over my ears trying to block out the sound. My heart pounded as tears ran down my cheeks. I shivered underneath the covers and clutched my stomach.
It seemed to go on forever. He was pounding on the door. He called out over and over, begging. I cried and burrowed further into my bed.
Finally, it stopped. All grew quiet around the house. I remained in my bed with the covers pulled tightly around me. Sleep came and was followed shortly by the dream. The dream I had every time I closed my eyes.
I stood in front of Edward screaming. "I don't want this baby! I don't want to be a mom." He walked away from me, and I followed. Getting into his car, he glanced over at me. I watched as he gripped the steering wheel. "It's part of me Bella. She's part of me."
The car was moving, and the trees around us flashed by in a blur. There was a loud crunching noise, and I turned my head away from him to look out the window. Everything hurt; pain raced up my stomach and through my chest. Red and blue lights surrounded us until they faded away leaving me sitting on my bed. Blood was pooling between my legs, and I held my hands out to Edward. "Help."
My screams woke me. I gripped the pillow against my abdomen as sorrow ripped through me. My body trembled while I sobbed into my sheet. Time moved slowly, but eventually my tears dried. I slowed my heart by concentrating on my emptiness, the nothing that was left for me. I let it surround me, blocking out all feeling.
I t was still light outside. I hadn't been asleep for very long. That wasn't unusual, as I hadn't slept more than 2 hours at a time since it happened.
Standing, I walked to the phone. I picked it up and dialed my mom.
She answered, and I could hear the worry in her voice. "Mom, I want to come to Phoenix. I can't stay here anymore."
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