A/N: Hey Guys! I know, I know, this chapter took FOREVER to write, and I'm super sorry about the wait. However, I am back into the spirit of writing and have set myself a New Yeas resolution to finish this story early 2008! So enjoy, as this may be one of the last few chapters ... we'll have to see as I'm always changing my mind about the plot. Anyways, I hope you like it and as a special treat, I tried to make this one extra long! Happy Holidays!
"I'm ready. Let's go."
His heart hurt. Physically hurt, like someone was trying to rip it out of his body and really not taking care to ask him how he felt. He wondered vaguely if it would continue beating if this unknown force succeeded. Would it continue to beat forevermore, undisturbed, oblivious to what was happening to its owner? Subconsciously he reached up under his cloak and put his hand over his breast, willing the pain to stop. It only intensified as her face came clearly into view.
He hadn't looked back once after pulling away from her grip. As he had turned, he had felt the faintest sensation of her touch, reaching out to him, to pull him back. It hadn't come, but he knew Ginny wanted more than anything to call out, plead with him to stay. He knew she hadn't because it would have only made it harder, instead watching him cross the space between her and Hagrid's hut, willing his own tears to dry quickly so she wouldn't have to see him brush them away.
Upon reaching the door, he was met with a strong desire to set it on fire. Let Lupin know what was really on his mind, show him that he was more than capable of handling Greyback and any other Death Eater trying to steal the only happiness he'd managed to attain in his whole life. Was it really them that he was scared of? He knew the answer to that one. No, he was not scared of a couple of reject Death Eaters. What he was scared of was not only the fact that he was putting Ginny at risk by staying, but even more than that, becoming his father. True, unlike Draco his father had knowingly and deliberately harmed others whereas if Draco stayed, he would be doing it unintentionally, but hurting them nonetheless. He realised that he had made mistakes and that he was now facing the consequences of his actions, but he would be damned if he backed down like a coward and let someone else suffer for him, he had already been through that once and had lost the one person he cared about the most. He wouldn't let his mother die in vain. She died to save him, in hopes that he would become something more. He would prove everyone wrong about him, that he was sure of.
"I'm ready. Let's go."
………………………………………………
She was back in her dorm. Eyes swollen, head pounding. She couldn't believe he had just left. How could he have left? She moved around the room in a daze, unaware of what she was doing; rinsing her face, pulling back her hair.
She looked around her room, so unlike Draco's. She couldn't believe that not even 24 hours ago she had bee sitting safe in his arms, both of them unaware of what they would soon be facing. The dorm was empty, no surprise as everyone was downstairs eating dinner… normal people, normal lives.
How she longed to be normal again. No worries, no stress, just the liberty to live her life any way she saw fit. All of it had been stripped away. She didn't regret what had happened to her, only envied those free to with without the pain she was now feeling, for she may never have fallen in love, and that was the one price she was willing to pay, that she had paid, what made it all worth it.
But as Ginny stayed longer in her room, her thoughts of Draco began to overcome her. Her grief, which she had been trying so hard to contain, overtook her, filling every crevice of her body, seeping through every pore.
The emptiness surrounded her, consuming her in its entirety. She was alone, more alone now than she had ever been. The realization that he was gone, really and truly gone, for who knew how long, finally hit her.
Her head heavy and breaths shallow, Ginny did the one thing that Draco feared worst – she gave up and allowed herself to be led deeper and deeper toward the seductive smile that only darkness could possess, collapsing to a heap on the floor.
………………………………………..
His head was pounding. He felt the pain before he was even conscious. Reaching up to gently to rub his temple, he groaned, the pain only intensifying as he tried to lift his head. Senses groggy, he attempted to lift his eyelids but could only make out a blurry picture. Squinting hard he tried again before giving up and resting his head back down. The pain, unbearable.
………………………………………..
"I brought you your homework Gin."
"Thanks Colin, you can just put it over there. Did Flitwick give a lot today?"
"Not too bad, you'll be able to finish in no time. Can I get you some water?"
"Water would be great Colin, thanks."
She watched as he stepped away from her bed and brushed away the curtains surrounding her to refill the empty water jug sitting on her bedside table. She had been in the hospital wing a week now, recovering from the head concussion she'd received after passing out in her dorm. Her roommate Anna had discovered her a while later, bleeding heavily from the back of her head, the part she'd hit the hardest.
After awakening to find herself in the hospital wing yet again, she had bitter thoughts about the one person who always managed to land her there. The one person she longed to see the most.
She had awakened to the soft murmur of words that felt strangely comforting and relaxing. A wet cloth cool to her forehead, a hand lying over hers. Her eyelids had flickered open as a warm had caressed her face.
"Hey beautiful, how're you feeling?"
"Draco?" she murmured sleepily. Had he come back for her?
"No Gin, it's me."
Hazel eyes found green and she closed them while the tears began to cascade down, her loss etched on every line of her face.
………………………………………..
Jesus, he thought. Where am I?
After numerous failed attempts to open his eyes he had finally succeeded, only to find himself in a dimly lit room, entangled in a white sheet, in a bed he didn't recognize. Looking around cautiously, trying not to disturb his pounding head, he discovered his clothes a jumble on the floor, an overturned chair, and the mattress he was laying on strangely lopsided.
Suddenly, he heard something. The sound of running water. His thoughts went instantly to that morning where Ginny had fled his teasing to escape into the shower. Ginny, oh how his heart ached for her.
Turning his head toward the sound, he saw steam emerging from under what he only assumed was the bathroom door. And just like that, it came flooding back. Memory had a way of waiting for just the right moment before rushing right back. And this rush, Draco didn't like.
"Shit," he said. "What have I done?"
……………………………………………..
"Eat something Gin, you must be starving."
"Yeah Ginny, we have Quidditch later, you need your strength."
"I'm fine you guys, really! Just stop worrying, kay? I'm not hungry, I had a big lunch."
"But Gin,"
"No buts Hermione, I mean it. I think I'm going to go down to the pitch early, get some air. See you all later?"
Putting on a cheery, reassuring face, Ginny got up from the Gryffindor house table and made her way out of the Great Hall. She knew her friends were only trying to help and be supportive but she couldn't take much more of this false, happy charade she had to put on every time she was around them.
Pretending that it didn't hurt, that she didn't miss him was almost worse than the fact that he was actually gone. She missed him more than any one could ever know, crying herself to sleep every night just wishing that he could come back, or at the least, contact her and let her know that he was alright.
It had been four long weeks since Draco had walked out of her life. Memories were all she had of him now and the constant ache in her heart that reminded her every day that a piece of her was missing.
But the grief she kept at bay, to herself, no matter how much it hurt. Going on as though nothing had ever happened attending classes, having meals with her friends, doing everything she possibly could to show them that she was brave. That she, Ginny Weasley, was strong and that she could get through this.
Mounting her broom she looked up at the clear blue sky and wondered, like the enchanted ceiling in the Great Hall, why it wouldn't reflect what she was really feeling. Her one possible outlet to the world to let them know that she was slowly dying inside, just waiting for someone to rescue her.
Taking a deep breath, she kicked off hard from the ground and relished the cool wind whipping at her face. This, at least, was real. And then a strange thought occurred to her, that perhaps this same wind had graced Draco's features as it was now gracing hers.
………………………………………..
The wind whipped and howled in his face, stinging his eyes and making them water. The broom he was flying on wasn't his own, lent to him by one of the unknown Order members now escorting him to headquarters. With Lupin to his right, Draco had a strange feeling of relief rush through him. He even had a strange urge to utter a bitter laugh as again he looked around and found himself surrounded by Order members.
He had done it. He was not his father, nor would he ever be. He had defied all that had been holding him back; every single thing that he had grown up forced to believe in. He was standing for what he believed in and for no one else but himself. It had been, ultimately, his choice to leave. No one could have forced him. It was for this, this one moment of realization, as Draco flew toward his freedom, flew toward a new life where he could be rid of his father. When he was ready to return, when the last of the Death Eaters, the late reminder to what he could have been, were gone – only then could he return to her, and finally offer Ginny the man she deserved. As the thought fuelled him, and filled him with hope, he knew that it was the only way, and prayed that she would forgive him.
…………………………………………….
She crossed off the 45th day on her calendar with red ink. Just over 6 weeks. She knew that it was finally taking a toll on her, and that as hard as she tried to hide it, the signs were definitely showing.
She was constantly tired, dishevelled and barely talked to anyone. She was getting late for classes far more often than she ever would be and her newfound laziness and lack of caring were hard to miss.
None of it went unnoticed by her friends, who were worried that they were losing their vibrant, full of life Ginny to this moody and depressed stranger.
"Ginny?" a tentative fellow 6th year girl named Rose asked one morning.
"What?" Ginny snapped back in return.
"Oh, uhm… sorry to bother you," she stammered, clearly uncomfortable, "but uh, well you left Transfiguration so fast today that, uh… Professor McGonagal wanted me to tell you that you have detention with her tonight at eight for being late to class again."
Ginny just glared at her. So fiercely that Rose blushed and looked down.
"So, uh…" she squeaked, "that was the message. Just thought that you should know!" And she left in a hurry, practically running form the fuming redhead.
"3rd fucking detention in the last two weeks," she grumbled. "I've had enough of her excuses to try and 'talk to me'. Jesus fucking Christ."
It was true, McGonagal had been trying to get through to Ginny by taking advantage of her hourly detention slots that she had with her. With as sharp an eye as Professor McGonagal had, she would have to have been practically blind to miss what was happening with Ginny.
"Miss Weasley," she would always start off saying in a gently voice, "I can only imagine what you're going through right now, -"
"You got that right," Ginny would scoff (or else make some other rude comment to interrupt her)
"But talking about it to someone can only help!" McGonagal would say, ignoring Ginny's rude comment. "You can't sit around brooding, it's not healthy!"
But that would be exactly what Ginny would do. Brood and ignore her teacher for the remainder of the hour. Sighing heavily, McGonagal would give up, returning to the other side of her desk.
Ginny could only imagine that tonight would be no different. As she walked in, she prepared herself for the usual lecture but it didn't come. McGonagal sat behind her desk, quietly writing on a long piece of parchment. She didn't look up once as Ginny came in and took her usual seat. It unnerved Ginny, thinking that this was a new approach to get her to share her feelings.
Let's see her try, she thought savagely.
For the next 20 minutes, both teacher and pupil sat in silence, Ginny furiously glaring at McGonagal, who never so much as looked up from her parchment. After 35 minutes though, the silence began to feel suffocating.
How can the silence be so loud? Ginny thought wilding, as it pressed in upon her. I can't, I can't…
Her breaths were quickening. Was it even possible to feel claustrophobic in a large room? In a moment, McGonagal was kneeling beside her, smoothing her hair and uttering calming words that Ginny couldn't make out. Her breathing returned to normal as she made eye contact with her teacher but quickly subsided to shaky uneven breaths as sobs choked her throat.
She began to cry, really cry, sobbing as she had never done before. Her head on the desk in front of her, her body shaking with grief, Ginny let it all out, confiding to McGonagal about the pain she was having to endure, who listened without a word. When it was all over and Ginny felt as though she had no tears left to give, her heart seemed to lift slightly and she filled her lungs with sweet air.
………………………………………………..
"It's been eight weeks," Draco growled as he looked around the brightly lit kitchen, "and we've only found three! Three! Where are the others, I thought we'd have found them by now!"
He raised his voice slightly as he directed his question to Lupin, who was sitting across from him at the dining table.
They were at the new headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, Tonks' parents' house. Draco, who was so used to the grandeur of his own mansion and Hogwarts, had been slightly taken aback, when they had first arrived, not knowing exactly what he had expected. As time went on however, he had gotten used to the roomy house, far more welcoming than his own had ever been.
It had been, as Draco had announced, 8 weeks since they had arrived and since then, only three of the remaining Death Eaters had been captured. For the first couple of weeks, it had been suggested that he stay within HQ and remain hidden, but Draco would not stand for being tucked away and was soon joining Remus and various other Order members in the hunt.
Although the Death Eaters didn't propose any serious harm now that Voldemort was gone, the Order strongly felt that they should be taken care of and punished, removed from their midst so that they couldn't hurt any one else. Draco wanted them gone for other personal reasons, but wanted them gone nonetheless.
But as their tiring search began to wear on, Draco's life began to form somewhat of a routine. He was restless, bored even, and longed to return to Ginny and to Hogwarts. Every day Remus reassured him that they were that much closer until this was all a bad memory.
Then, one day, when their morale was low and tempers were getting a bit high, Lupin suggested a break.
"A break?" Draco asked incredulously. "What, you mean like a day off?"
"I mean," Lupin replied, "that you should get out and do something other than track Death Eaters, even if just for a night. I see how restless you are Draco and hanging around HQ all day with a bunch of adults must be tiring. I think a break would do you some good."
"So what are you proposing?" Draco asked, somewhat suspiciously.
"Oh, I don't know," Lupin sighed, scratching his chin. "Go out to the bar; watch a Muggle movie, anything you want!"
Draco thought about it and the more he did, the more appealing it seemed. Get out of HQ; stretch his legs, just him? A relaxing evening where he wouldn't have to worry about anything else…why not?
"Alright," he said. "I think I'm going to go out to the local pub, get a couple of drinks, put my head on straight. But first, I want to send a letter to Ginny."
Lupin thought about it for a moment before finally giving in. "Alright," he said.
Draco almost cheered. He hadn't been able to send word to Ginny because the Order thought it was too risky. They were worried that the owl might be intercepted and a false message relayed to Hogwarts, forcing Ginny to do something rash. But it had been long enough for Draco and the remaining Death Eaters were all in hiding, most likely to preoccupied with their own safety to care about intercepting owls.
As Draco sat down to write, he wondered what he would say. What could he possibly relay in ink to let Ginny know how much he missed her, how much he wished that he were with her? Thinking hard, he set his quill down and began to write.
My dearest Ginny,
I'm so sorry I haven't been able to send word sooner. Words cannot express how much I miss you, how I regret every day that I had to break my promise to you. I pray that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
My heart aches every second just thinking of you. It's been two months and I've been staying at the present Order headquarters, trying to track down the remaining Death Eaters. I can't say much more, only that I wish you were here with me.
With luck it won't take much longer and I'll be back in your arms before we both know it. Be brave all my love,
Always & Forever,
Draco
………………………………………………..
In the days after her detention with McGonagal Ginny slowly began retreating back to her former self. So slowly in fact that you wouldn't even be able to tell watching her continue to struggle through her day to day. But it was the little things that Harry, Hermione, Ron, Colin and all the others who loved Ginny, noticed.
Like her apology to Rose for being so snappy, the friendly comment she had made about Hermione's messy up do, and the subtle attempt she made to show up to class on time.
All of these things added up, and little by little the old Ginny was returning. She was still hurting, and it would be a long time before she got fully back to herself again, - unless Draco showed up of course. But she was learning to deal with the pain, instead of bottling it all up.
As Ginny made her way to breakfast that morning however, she was about to get the next best thing. Sitting down at the house table, she glanced across from her to where Ron was sitting. He had been unnaturally sweet lately and Ginny thought vaguely about how she really should be taking advantage of his pity and generosity. Just as she was thinking about how best to approach him for some extra galleons, her attention was caught by a large tawny owl heading straight for her.
Her heart stopped as she watched the owl come closer and closer. She dared not to hope. As the owl landed she could feel all eyes on her as she shakily untied the letter from its leg. Heart pounding, she read the single word written on the top side of the folded paper.
Ginny
She could feel their eyes but didn't care. She could feel the lump in her throat and her eyes watering, but she didn't care. Jumping up from her half eaten breakfast she practically ran to her dorm to read her letter.
………………………………………..
"God," Draco said, wincing slightly as the whisky hit his throat. "Not exactly Firewhisky, but it'll do."
"What's that lad?" The round bartended asked cheerfully from behind the counter.
"Nothing," Draco replied, shaking his head, his words slurring slightly, "thanks for the drink."
He had been at the local bar for a mere half hour and had already downed at least a pint of every type of alcohol they could offer. It had been a long time since he had last drank and now he relished the feeling as it numbed his senses and, for a little while at least, lessened the ache in his heart.
He glanced down at his watch and squinting, made out the time, 9:45 pm. Remus had offered to come pick him up at whatever time Draco wanted but he had denied his offer, explaining that tonight was his night and that he wanted to take as much time as he needed, so who new how late he would be. He was a responsible adult, and he could take care of himself, thank you very much. Lupin had only consented after Draco had promised to drink responsibly (yeah, right) and had set the curfew fro three am at the very latest.
But as he looked around at the noisy pub and realized that he had already gotten through the variety of alcohol the bar had the offer, three am seemed a long time away. He could just see it, him wandering in at 10:30 after the speech he had given to Lupin about 'needing time away', probably about to walk in on Lupin and Tonks playing Exploding Snap.
He scoffed, how pathetic.
So looking around hopelessly, he turned back yet again to the bar, took a seat and ordered another drink. It's going to be a long night, he thought.
As drink after drink went down, he was suddenly aware of a presence beside him and a hand on his shoulder. Turning round he gasped as he saw her face.
Tall and slender, she looked like an angel brought down from heaven. Olive coloured skin and dark brown hair. Full lips with a perfect smile, but her most dazzling feature by far were her eyes. Crystal blue, so light that Draco felt as though he would lose himself if he only stared long enough.
Coughing slightly in an attempt to cover up his gasp of surprise, she simply smiled down at him.
"Can I sit here?" she asked, gesturing to the empty barstool beside him.
"Of, of course!" he stammered.
"Hi," she said cheerfully, sticking out her hand for him to shake. "I'm Rhea."
"Hi," Draco replied, taking her hand. "I'm Draco, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too!" she said, positively glowing in the dimly lit pub. "I saw you from where I was sitting," she gestured behind her to a table where three young girls continued to chat. "You looked kind of down, I though you might like some company."
She smiled and Draco felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.
"Oh," he said, slightly taken aback but pleased nonetheless. "Yeah, thanks. It's just, well…I was just thinking about some stuff."
"I'm all ears," Rhea said. "Spill."
They talked for what seemed like hours, Draco leaving out the minor details about being a wizard and tracking down convicts…talking more about his personal struggle leaving Ginny. He felt unusually comfortable talking to Rhea and he had no idea why. Maybe it was the fact that his brain was so numb he would have felt comfortable enough telling his whole life story to the Prime Minister had he asked.
Whatever it was, he felt a huge weight lift from his shoulders and relief flood through him. When they finally looked up from their conversation, they were two of the last few people remaining, Rhea's friends having left a while back.
When Draco looked back however, his brain finally registered how close he was sitting to Rhea. They had been leaning in towards each other without realizing it and with another little shock, Draco looked down to see Rhea's soft hand lying over his own, gently caressing it. He was drunk, but his senses were still working enough to tell him that something about this wasn't right.
He looked up and their eyes met. Slowly, ever so slowly, their heads tilted and they leaned farther in toward each other. Coming back to his senses at the last moment, Draco quickly coughed and leaned back, scratching the back of his neck nervously.
"Listen, Rhea…" he started, but she beat him to it.
"No, it was me, I'm sorry," she said, leaning back and letting go of his hand. "I shouldn't have done that, you're seeing someone."
"Yeah," Draco replied. "Yeah, I am."
They sat there for a few moments in awkward silence before Rhea got up suddenly and declared that it was getting late.
"I really should go," she said. "It's not a far walk but it's dark nonetheless."
"Wait," Draco said. "You're walking? Well, let me walk you home. It's the least I can do; I mean… you did miss your ride for me."
Rhea took a quick glance outside at the dark street and men smoking on the corner.
"Well," she started, "it's no big deal, but I mean if you really don't mind…" she trailed off, giving Draco a grateful smile as he began pulling on his coat.
She was right, it wasn't a far walk but Draco was glad he had come with her; he wouldn't have wanted her to pass some local street gangs they had averted by herself. When they reached her small, but cozy looking house, Draco knew that the alcohol was really getting to him as he stumbled up her steps and subconsciously squeezed her hand that he had somehow come to be holding.
Looking down at her beautiful face, he was reminded of a faint and distant memory. His brain was struggling to tell him something but the message was unclear. Why had he pulled away again?
Her eyes were so bright and she was just so beautiful. This time, when her head tilted forward, he didn't back away, her lips finally settling on his own. He lost all reason and control as her grip on his arm tightened and his lips began to respond.
They shuffled backwards into the house, Rhea pressed against his chest. She kicked the front door closed behind them and Draco effortlessly backed her up against a wall, kicking off both their shoes. Her legs would up around him. Again, this all felt so familiar…but he pushed the nagging feeling aside as he moved down to kiss her neck and her hands began to roam, pulling off his jacket. They held on to each other tightly, kissing furiously until Rhea pushed Draco away and he stood back gasping.
"This way," she whispered breathlessly, as she led him into her bedroom by hand.
Closing the door he watched as she pulled off her jacket and shirt, revealing a lazy black bra. He, in turn, pulled off his shirt, pulling her back in toward him. Her hands were in his hair, roaming his chest to feel his taught muscles. They wrestled furiously for a few moments before knocking over a chair while making their way over to the bed.
Draco gently pushed her down to the mattress before advancing and pulling off her jeans, taking in the beautiful sight of her body. When he was on top of her, both breathing heavily in between long, passionate kisses, Rhea reached over to her bedside lamp and turned it out.
Together in the darkness, she took him away from his thoughts. She was his release, his breath of fresh air.
At least, until morning.