"Finding Harmony"
Chapter 14: Single
Alli woke up extra early even though she knew she didn't have school. Jumping out of her bed, Alli ran out into the hallway. Knocking on Sav's door, she smiled extra wide. Of course Sav was the typical teenage boy and enjoyed sleeping in as late as possible on weekends and holidays.
"Go away!" came Sav's muffled shout.
"It's winter break doofus! No school for two weeks!" Alli ran back into her room and collapsed onto her bed. Ever since their fight at the lake, she hadn't spoken to Johnny. There were times when she'd tried to take control of their relationship like it was just hers, but he'd crossed the line. He'd basically told her he could use her for sexual play whenever he felt like it. It wasn't fair. After he had fought Sav, he was the one who had told her it was over. What had made him change his mind? Why did he think his choices mattered more than hers? Relationships were never a one way deal.
Picking up her cell phone from the top of her nightstand, Alli began scanning through her contact list. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet. But when she did have the courage, she knew exactly what she had to say to him. Enough with being on and off , going up and down, making up and breaking up – if they were going to make it work, she wanted to be In serious, mature relationship with him. Hopefully when she was ready to discuss the matter, he would be prepared and willing to keep the situation calm and relaxed. For now, she was just going to wait and hope that the stars would remain aligned for her and Johnny some time in the future.
Rolling over onto her stomach, Alli leaned down and picked her phone up off the floor. Just as she began to scroll through her contacts, her phone began buzzing in her hand. It was Clare. Squealing, Alli answered it, feeling as free as a bird. It was time to celebrate the beginning of winter break, and she was about to get started. "Oh my gosh, I was just about to call you and then my phone rang in my hand!" Alli practically shouted, putting Clare on speaker phone.
"We must have some sort of telepathy going on," Clare replied. "So...how are you doing?" she asked hesitantly. Furrowing her eyebrows together, Alli sighed when she realized Clare had gone into concerned mode because of Johnny. No matter what, her brother, her friends and anyone she might ever talk to would always be wondering about Johnny, probably because Johnny would always be someone to be concerned about.
Alli bit down on her lower lip and rolled her eyes up towards the ceiling. "Hello? Are you still there Alli?"
"Oh yeah. Um…I'm fine, great actually."
"How are things with Johnny?" Pausing to think about how she should respond to this inquiry, Alli swallowed hard, all her thoughts moving in a snail-like motion to the same spot. The night a couple of days ago at the lake when Johnny had admitted that he'd never truly loved her bolted to the top of the list.
"More like how things with Johnny aren't ." Finally, Alli had been able to get it off of her chest. She chuckled softly after the words had spilled out of her mouth. Johnny truly meant nothing to her now and there was no way she'd be retracing those steps ever again.
"Oh, that's just incredible!" Alli beamed, certain that Clare really felt happy for her.
"Yeah it is. I'm sure about my decision this time." Laying back on her bed, Alli decided it was a good time to move on to a more upbeat subject. "As of now, I'm ready to party!" she shouted.
"Awesome. I'm down with having fun…although I don't know about partying," Clare said. "Wanna come over?"
"Right now?"
"Yeah."
"Sure, of course."
"All righty then."
"See you in a few."
"Bye." Walking over to her closet, Alli sighed and pulled out a simple Calvin Klein long sleeved shirt. Since it was getting colder out, she knew she'd have to dress appropriately. She put the shirt on and then began searching through her closet for a pair of jeans.
Once she was dressed, Alli went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and fix her hair. After that, she figured the best way to get out of the house was to leave with Sav. Slamming her fist into the door to his room, she shouted, "Open sesame!"
"Wait, I'm doing something!" Sav shouted in response. Alli folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the wall. By the time Sav opened the door, Alli was considering asking her mom for a ride to the library.
"Finally! What were you doing in there?"
"Putting on just the right amount of cologne for my sweetie pie," Sav said, as if that explained everything. He straightened the collar on his polo shirt and looked down his nose at her. "Now what was it you wanted?"
"Can you drive me to…the library?" Although she hated lying to Sav, it would be best to keep from roping him into a lie.
"Impromptu plans at the library? Are you sure this isn't some sort of secret meeting?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I need to check out this book for my AP Literature class." Checking out The Grapes of Wrath was a must, because Ms. Kwan had told the class that they needed to have completed it by Monday.
"All right. If and only if Mom and Dad let you go."
"I'm sure they will." With a confident smirk on her face, Alli walked into the living room. "Mom, Dad, I'm not feeling very well." She paused for a moment, and then turned away to cough into the crook of her elbow. "But…I really need to check out this book for my AP Literature class."
"That's fine," Mr. Bhandari said, flipping a page in the newspaper without look up. "Sav can pick it up for you when he goes out."
"No, but um…." Alli fumbled, unable to come up with a quick backup excuse. This time her father was being reluctant, and she hadn't planned on it.
"I'm just going to the library, Dad. I swear on my life."
"No need to swear on anything, Alliana. You may go with your brother but he will go with you inside the library and leave you there until he is ready to return home."
Alli sniffled and nodded glumly, even though she felt like bursting into song. Sav smirked and retrieved his jacket for the hall closet. Alli opened the front door and turned away as the harsh wind hit her face.
"Bye father!" Sav nodded to their father and stepped outside, closing the door behind them. "So what's your plan this time?"
Alli shoved her hands into her pockets and shrugged. "Um, nothing. I love to read and I need this book for an assignment."
"Whatever Alli." Sav unlocked his car and they both go in. As usual, Alli did have a plan. After Sav dropped her off at the library and she checked out The Grapes of Wrath (which she did honestly, truly, really need), she would walk over to Clare's and possibly meet up with Johnny just to see where his head was.
Surprisingly, Sav kept quiet and left her alone. For some reason, Alli longed for him to pry. Drama was her food, it made her healthy and strong. This was one of those times where she craved it, she needed it. Before she could open her mouth again, Sav had pulled into the library's parking lot and begun scanning the rows of cars for an empty space. "You're really coming inside with me?"
Unbuckling her seat belt, Alli climbed out of the car and Sav did the same. "Yeah, I've gotta make sure Johnny isn't in there. And obey Dad's orders."
Sav gave her a tight smile and lead the way through the library's automatic doors. Once inside, Alli turned and walked into the classical fiction aisle. If she wandered around long enough, Sav would become annoyed and leave, not wanting to keep Anya waiting for too long.
Fifteen minutes later, Alli still couldn't find The Grapes of Wrath and her lips felt very chapped, probably from the cold. As she smoothed some lemon lime lip gloss on her lips and rubbed them together, Sav marched up behind her. "You're doing this on purpose. You know Anya and I have a lunch date in less than half an hour."
Alli shrugged helplessly. "I still can't find the book I need for my class and you're of no assistance." Crouching down, Sav scanned the rows of classical novels and sighed.
"The freaking book is right here and you claim you've been looking for it for the past fifteen minutes?" Grabbing the book from Sav's hands, Alli rolled her eyes.
"Fine. I was looking for an excuse to get out of the house. Using you was the only way."
"Whatever Alli." They walked back towards the front of the library so Alli could check out her book. Once she had taken care of her library card, Alli walked over and sat down at a table. "What now?" Sav ran his hands through his hair.
"Nothing. I just – I think I'll read here for awhile. You know, until you come back."
"Sure, whatever. Just promise that you will stay right here and not go anywhere for anything." Skimming the back cover of the book, Alli licked her lip gloss off her lips, something she always did when she was frustrated.
"I hope I can trust you."
"Definitely," Alli assured him, even though she was positive Sav knew of her plans to ditch the library and go to Clare's house. As soon as he walked away, Alli rushed over to the other side of the library and pushed back some of the curtains to make sure he was really leaving the parking lot.
After Sav back out of his parking space and drove off, Alli walked over to the nonfiction section and pulled out her cell phone. It was on silent because there were posters all over the library banning the use of cell phones.
There were three text messages from Clare waiting to be read. Clare was probably wondering where she was and when she was going to arrive. Before she could send Clare a quick response, though, another short message popped up on the screen. Alli closed her phone and slipped it back into her bag.
She looked down at the book in her hand. She'd come to the library two weeks ago to check out The Grapes of Wrath and it had been unavailable. Since then, she hadn't had time to check in see if it had been turned in. Today was the day she wanted to stop being lazy and actually get her assignment done.
Making her way to the front of the library to check out, Alli began flipping through the pages of the novel to make sure it wasn't already damaged. Once she'd retrieved her library card from her bag, Ali slid it through the machine's slot and waited for the system to calculate her "due by" date. Computers and all the most recent technology made life so much easier. Most things could get done much faster and many processes were now a lot less complicated. Heck, there wasn't even need or use for a real librarian anymore! "Have a good afternoon Alliana!" Mrs. Patterson, the librarian, called out as Alli approached the front door.
"You do the same Mrs. P!" Alli responded before exiting the library. Once outside, Alli looked around and figured it'd be best to take the bus to Clare's due to the weather.
Billowing gray clouds loomed overhead and the wind kept pulling her hair back and away from her face. The walk would be an extremely long one, although she did need some exercise….
On the other hand, taking the bus would be much quicker (though at a price) and would save her enough time to beat Sav back to the library after she hung out with her friends.
Once she had tucked the book under her arm, Alli zipped her jacket up to her neck and began walking in the general direction of the nearest bus stop.
As she checked the bus schedule, she realized the next bus wouldn't be arriving for another half hour. Taking a set on the bench, Alli opened the book and turned to the last page, already eager tofind out how the novel ended. This had been a personal tradition of hers since she was in the third grade. It put reading into a whole new perspective and made the literary experience much more interesting.
By the time the bus coughed and sputtered to the curb before her, Alli was already thirty pages into the book. Stuffing the book into her bag, Alli smiled slyly. Being bad always felt so good! She wished she could do it for a living. But she'd probably just have to settle for auditioning to get a spot on "The Bad Girls Club."
If only Johnny knew what she was doing just to see him today. Maybe then he wouldn't think she was that much of an emotional wreck. Upon boarding the bus, Alli was surprised to count only six people sitting on one side of the large vehicle. Dropping two quarters into the change slot, Alli looked around before taking a set. It was only going to be a ten minute ride to Clare's house anyway, so she started brainstorming ways to get Johnny's attention.
It didn't seem that hard to get, but it really was when she'd thought about it. Their status seemed to be ever changing, partly because of Johnny's mood swings and her melodramatic ways. Things were always going up and down, and neither of them knew what a good solution to their problem could be.
If Johnny turned out to be right, then maybe Alli would just have to get used to the idea of them being apart forever. Now they were both single and there would most likely be less drama if they just avoided each other altogether or simply tolerated each other. So lost in thought she was, Alli nearly her stop.
"Wait!" She jumped up after realizing that the bus had come to a halt on the corner of Clare's street. Stepping out into the cold afternoon air once more, Alli crossed her arms and skipped up the sidewalk and onto the driveway to ring Clare's doorbell. "Hi Mrs. Edwards!" Alli enveloped her best friend's mother into a bear hug.
"Hello Alli!" Mrs. Edwards squeezed her back just as hard. When they pulled apart, she closed the front door and hung Alli's jacket in the hall closet for her. "So, how have you been enjoying your holidays so far?"
"More than ever," Alli replied. "Being out of school rules!"
"Well, I'm glad you're having fun while you're on your break." She brought her coffee mug to her lips and took a small sip. "Clare, KC, and some of her church friends are upstairs."
"Okay. Thanks. Nice seeing you again!" Alli said politely.
"You too dear," Mrs. Edwards smiled warmly. Taking the steps two a time, Alli reached the top floor and passed the guest room, which was full of younger teens playing Twister.
"Boo!" alli shouted, jumping in front of Clare's bedroom door and pushing it open without a second though. This was a game they'd played at sleepovers and other get-togethers since they first became friends. Something was different this time though. Way different.
For one split second, Alli gaped at the sight of KC and Clare making out on her bed. "Oh my gosh!" Her hands flew to her mouth before she could think of a better way to extract herself from the situation. "Whoa. Sorry." She ducked her head and swung the door shut. She began wringing her hands out as if they were wet and she was trying to dry them. This was one of her nervous habits that she hated.
How could Clare have kept this from her? Why did she see nothing wrong with not telling her supposed best friend this kind of big news? Clare and KC were taking things to the next level and Alli was the last to know. Or maybe she was overreacting. After all, who could Clare tell? Surely not her parents, not Darcy....
The biggest question of all was: why were they doing such things when Clare had guests from church in the very next room? About a minute later, KC came out (with his shirt back on) and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand. "Oh hey Alli." He smiled, even though they both felt more than a little awkward. "Sorry you had to see that. We were just..." he trailed off, "caught up in the moment, that's all." He shrugged, trying to make the occurrence seem like less of a big deal. "I mean, we were expecting you hours ago, so...."
"Y-Yeah," Alli stuttered. KC nodded and walked down the hallway to the bathroom and shut the door. Alli decided it'd be best to barge into Clare's room and demand an explanation. Being confrontation was the only way Alli knew how to get an explanation from Clare. "What was that?" Alli shouted, pressing her back to the door and turning the latch to lock it.
"It was...nothing that concerns you," Clare said calmly, smoothing her dress down on her legs and straightening her hair out where it was sticking up at odd angles. Plopping down on Clare's neon green beanbag chair, Alli began trying to meet her gaze, but nothing she did crossed her arms and remained silent until Clare finally opened her mouth. "There's music, snacks, drinks and stuff downstairs," Clare said, scratching at the back of her neck.
"Yeah, and you're up here playing kiss me all over with KC!" Alli yelled, causing Clare to put a finger to her lips.
"You need to quiet down," Clare warned. Alli couldn't take it anymore.
"Come on, Clare. Don't be upset." She rose to her feet, walked over, and took a seat next to Clare on her bed. "You're like the sister I never had. We're supposed to be best friends and I love you. So tell me - what exactly has been going on lately?"
"You know it's not a big deal Alli," Clare began. "I mean, KC and I just wanted to experiment physically that's all."
"The thing is, I told you about how I slept with Johnny. That was something that was very close to my heart. It had a deep effect on me emotionally."
"Yeah but, Alli, you don't know what it's like to be the best friend who's always in the back."
"What do you mean?" Alli wondered, folding her hands in her lap.
"I mean, I'm always behind you. In school, in relationships, cup size...." Alli let out a chuckled and squeezed Clare's shoulder comfortingly.
"Clare, you should totally know better. We're friends, and we're supposed to have fun together. None of this should be about competition. In the end, our grades are about the same, everyone should go at their own paces in relationships, and it really doesn't matter whose boobs are bigger."
Removing her glasses, Clare released a sigh of relief. She wiped at her eyes and turned to face Alli. "Well, thanks for the reassurance,but...I still know that you are definitely more experienced than me."
"And that's fine because...look where I am now. Boyfriendless and virginity free." Clare shrugged and cleared her throat.
"It's can't be that bad."
"At least I know you won't make the virginity mistake," Alli said with a wink.
"Of course not!" Clare said in mock surprise.
"Okay, I think it's time we go downstairs." The two girls left Clare's room and made their way down the stairs arm in arm.
"Ooh, it's the star of the party and her BFF!" Clare's friend Shara squealed excitedly. Alli gave a small smile and a weak wave to everyone. She hated to admit it, but like a lot of other people, she could be very shy around those she wasn't yet familiar with.
"Hello all!" Alli said. Mrs. Edwards stood off to the side, digital camera in hand.
"It's picture time!" KC shouted after taking a sip of water from a red plastic cup.
"Okay Alli, you jump in and Clare get in the front," Mrs. Edwards instructed. Quickly checking her face in her compact mirror, Alli swiped on some foundation under her eyes and applied more lip gloss.
Although she knew full well that she wasn't about to do a professional photo shoot or anything, Alli felt the need to look n ice in any picture she appeared in. After posing for a couple of shots, the kids disassembled and headed for the kitchen.
They all gathered around the table and began digging into bowls of trail mix and reaching for cups of water. Suddenly, a very preachy song came blaring from the speakers. "What song is this?" Alli asked, raising her eyebrows.
"It's by TobyMac!" A girl with strawberry blond hair and bright green eyes informed her. "He's one of my favorite Christian artists!"
"Wow. That's...cool," Alli finally said, feeling almost as uncomfortable as she'd felt after that night in the ravine with Johnny. Scooting through the crowd of kids that had already gathered on the makeshift dance floor, Alli headed towards the nearest bathroom and nearly closed the door before Clare caught up to her.
"Alli, what are you doing?" Clare demanded. "I invited you over to have fun, not so you could hide out in here." With a sigh, Alli sat down on top of the toilet lid.
"Oh Clare. You know the religious lifestyle is not for me. Not any kind of religion, even my own."
"Alli, you're the funnest and most spontaneous girl I know," Clare told her. "Just be yourself."
"Wow, Clare. You should reconsider your future career in medicine and forensics or whatever. You'd make a great motivational speaker." Clare laughed and Alli smiled as she stood up. "Suddenly, I no longer have to go to the bathroom," she announced while Clare jiggled the doorknob.
After the party was over and everyone had gone home, Alli decided to stay over so she and Clare could have some much needed girl talk. Back up in Clare's room, Alli's cell phone began to vibrate. She rushed over to it, hoping but at the same time not hoping that it might be Johnny calling. With a quick glance at the caller screen, Alli walked over and sat back down on the edge of Clare's bed. "Well, who is it? Aren't you gonna answer?" Clare elbowed her friend.
"It's Johnny," Alli whispered, opening her flip phone. Clare nodded and Alli bit down on her lower lip. She put him on speaker phone so Clare could listen in. "Hello?" she squeaked, squeezing her eyes shut.
"Backwoods...what are you up to right now?"
"Nothing much, I just-" Clare pinched her and Alli yelped.
"What's going on? You are alone aren't you?" Johnny asked.
"Yeah, of course," Alli lied, holding back giggles.
"So what are you doing right now?"
"Why do you care?" Alli snapped.
"I just wanted to check up on you, that's all."
"Well, if you must know, I'm reading with the television on."
"Have you checked your MyRoom page lately?"
"No." Alli took a deep breath.
"Do you think...do you think you'd want to meet up and talk?"
"Probably," Alli replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Clare let out a laugh and Alli clapped her free hand over her mouth.
"You are definitely not alone." Johnny cleared his throat. "So is probably a yes or a no?"
"It's a maybe so." Alli shrugged, even though Johnny couldn't see her. She was wasting her time carrying on a pointless conversation with Johnny. It was time to get a move on. However, she could still enjoy teasing him one last time.
"Well, I have to go now."
"Okay."
"Since you want to be difficult."
"Whatever, I have better things to do anyway." Alli clicked off.
"Ah, your boyfriend troubles will never end," Clare joked. "Johnny DiMarco drives you crazy but you still can't get enough of him!"
"Ah, shut up," Alli grumbled, trying to shrug off Clare's comment as if it weren't true. But deep down inside, she knew it was.
"So...what are you gonna do?" Alli paused, thinking it over for a moment.
"I'm gonna talk it over with him. See where he wants to go before I cut all ties for good."
"You...are?"
"Yeah, just to make sure it's really over."
"Okay then...good luck." Clare sounded more nervous and hesitant than Alli felt, letting her know that her best friend really did care about her feelings getting hurt yet again by a guy who claimed to still be in love with her.
Clare stood up, and Alli also rose from the bed. Before leaving the room, Alli gave her best friend a huge hug. "Thanks for all the support," she said into Clare's hair.
"I hope things go well." Nodding, Alli began wringing her hands out while inhaling and exhaling slowly.
"So do I Clare."
Upon entering the sandwich shop, Alli looked around until she spotted Johnny's green camouflage hat. He was hunched over a too small table towards the back of the restaurant. "What do you want?" she demanded, taking the seat across from him.
"You," he replied with a smirk, stirring his coffee with a short red straw. "Aren't you gonna dig in? I already ordered for you," Johnny said, flicking drops of coffee onto the sandwich that sat before her.
"Oh thanks," Alli said suspiciously, picking up the sandwich and bringing it to her nose. "This smells just like...." She set the sandwich back down on the plate and lifted the top bun. "mayonnaise." With a sigh, she pushed the plate off to the side. "You know I hate mayonnaise." She put her chin in her palm and groaned.
"Oh really?" Johnny cocked an eyebrow. Alli heard her stomach growl. Since she was so hungry, she wiped the mayonnaise off and took a bite. "You know I'm single right?" Swallowing the food that was in her mouth, Alli paused and then reached for Johnny's coffee cup. She took a long sip and then licked her lips.
"So am I. But why does it matter?"
"Because I still want you, Alli. That's why." Clearing her throat, Alli began twiddling her thumbs. After what happened at the lake last week, how could she trust Johnny?
"Honestly, I don't believe you." Their eyes met, and Alli took another sip of Johnny's coffee.
"How come?"
"Okay Johnny. Why did you say you didn't love me and that you never had at the lake?"
"Look, something came up."
"What? And why didn't you just tell me about it in the first place?"
"It's Rissa...she got engaged."
"What?"
"And she wants me and Aaron to move to the city with her and the rich bitch."
"Why?"
"Because she doesn't want to deal with the fact that I'm turning eighteen soon."
"Well...why did you feel you had to say that to me? I mean, I had nothing to do with that whole situation. You know I would have listened if you said you wanted to talk."
"Alli...I just kinda figured that if I told you I was moving you would flip the fuck out. Like you are right now."
"The fact that you'd rate lie and say you never cared about me instead of just opening up and telling me what was really going on proves that you really don't give a shit about me."
"It's not that, Alli. I just didn't know how to bring it up." He reached over and picked up his coffee cup. Alli finished her sandwich and licked her fingers. Since she was feeling bold, Alli put her hand on Johnny's knee.
"I support you in everything you do. I just need you to do the same for me." Johnny reached for her other hand, but she moved it away. "You have to promise me. Because if and when we break up again, I am not going to be with you ever again."
"Can we go for a walk and talk some more?" With a sigh, Alli nodded. For the past couple of months, she felt like Johnny had been a burden to her. When they'd gone out for the very first time, things had been easy, cool, not to mention fun. Ever since they'd gotten back together again and again, the whole relationship had been full of complications, like a tangled web or a difficult puzzle.
After they'd left the sandwich shop, the pair began walking along on the barren sidewalks of Kensington Street. They stopped in front of a tattoo parlor and looked through the window at a couple getting matching stars on their left shoulders.
"Would you ever do that?"
"Do what?" Johnny asked.
"Tattoo my name on your chest," Alli clarified.
"Would you tattoo my name on your chest?" Johnny retorted. Alli shook her head. "And why not?"
"Because I heard that when couples do that they almost always break up," Alli replied. "It's basically a curse."
"Can I tell you something private?"
"Sure." Alli shrugged and shoved her hands in her pockets.
"The lake isn't my special place anymore. Not after what happened."
Even though she wanted to smile, Alli simply pursed her lips. They walked on in silence for a while until they crossed the street near Johnny's trailer. "So, what did you do today?" Alli paused and looked over at Johnny. Ever since they'd been dating, Alli never once remembered Johnny inquiring about her day's activities. Maybe he really did care enough to put some effort into fixing things between them.
"Well, I went to the library with Save, hung out with Clare and then came to meet you."
"Cool."
"What did you do all day?"
"I thought about what to say to you. I wrote out what I was going to say." Removing his hands from his pockets, Johnny revealed his palms, which were covered in smeared black ink. Feeling her cheeks get hot, Alli started wringing her hands for the third time that day. Why was she letting Johnny give her butterflies again? How come she felt like pressing her full, glossy lips to his thin, dry ones?
"I'm still in love with you," Alli blurted. There it was, out in the open and off her chest. She wasn't even sure if it was true.
"You know you shouldn't be, right?" Coming to an abrupt halt in the middle of the sidewalk, Johnny leaned down, peering directly into Alli's eyes. "Don't love me, Alli. Please don't. For your own sake, not mine."
"I realized that I didn't want to after what happened at the lake...but I couldn't stop. I don't really think love is a choice." She looked up at him. "After awhile."
"Well, what do you suggest we do about it?"
"You know what?" Alli looked away. "You figure it out."
"What-? How-? When um...." Johnny trailed off and then scratched his head.
Although she wasn't angry, she wanted to appear as if she was. She huffed and began walking away from him, making sure to walk in the other direction just to confuse him. "Call me when you've got the answer!" She yelled over her shoulder. Maybe she was really offending him. Well, he was going to have to deal with it. This was just her unique way of getting revenge. After all wasn't payback supposed to be a bitch? This was all so dramatic and ridiculous. Alli sighed and thought about how she was going to get home.
Maybe she should have just stayed in the library and read The Grapes of Wrath after all.