Chapter 14
"I'm sorry did you want me to thank you? Did you want to celebrate your handing my heart back to me after...after all this. You know what...I saved your life. I saved your shitty stupid life and I know...I know you're committed to this miserable cunt act you got going on but you might wanna try grateful on for size, it might look good on you." I practically growled at the pathetic being that seemed to be moving further and further away from where I lie. My head wasn't quite with me and the further he moved back the more it looked like he was fading away. I balled my fists up and slammed them into the mattress beneath me leaving an unsatisfying lack of noise.
"Talk to me you fucking asshole!" I shouted "You disgusting coward" I added for good measure because this was him finding excuses to leave and I couldn't just weep into my pillow and let him slip away. I couldn't let him off so easily.
"Are you stupid?" his raised voice sounded uncharacteristically higher than usual. The watery form that had been inching to the door rapidly started towards me. He was in focus now leaning over the bed to ask again "well, are you?"
"You could have died...what you did Steven...isn't ok" he added more somberly. He wasn't backing down from his decision the one I had awoken to minutes before when he coldly announced I needed to move from the flat and back to Amy's or "wherever".
"I didn't die though...I didn't even come close.." I retorted lamely but it was true I hadn't come close not really in a medical sense.
He shook his head. That was it he just sighed and shook his head.
"Don't do that" I pleaded after him because I knew he didn't have anything else to say to me and I desperately wanted him to. But nothing I did stopped him from walking out the door not the obscenities I shouted or anything else.
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"Just a little longer" I whispered into his ear pulling him closer with my arm slung around the back of his neck as he laid on top of me.
"I have to go.." he replied softly mimicking me. He tried to rustle free but I only tightened my grip.
"Christ, Steven a few weeks ago you'd barely spend the night in my room now..."
"What? A person can't want to spend all day in bed...fucking? Is that really a problem for ya?" I was being cheeky...actually I was laying it on too thick and I knew it. I was actively trying to channel old me...be as positively irresistible as possible to keep him close to me but it seemed to have its breaking point. Sadly that was all the strategy I had worked up since Warren had teased some trouble or really some set up he wanted to twist me into getting involved with. And while communicating with Warren would put me smack dab in the middle of the action it also meant putting me and Brendan in the middle of a trap because it had to be. Warren was playing everyone and Brendan had to know that as well, but whatever he was to do he had to think there was no other choice but to do it.
I knew I couldn't ask Brendan about it all either...I knew that would just end in him lying and being more secretive so instead I just clung to him...followed him around. One of the perks of not having a job is you have all day to loiter around and watch your ... boyfriend? We'd told each other we loved one another a few times, I was living with him, we fucked all the time but still the title didn't sound right...but the limits of language meant I would have to settle on some title that didn't fit so I figured boyfriend was the best of the options not that I'd use it to his face.
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"Steven!"
He dove next to me while our company started to scatter as sirens began to echo in the distance. I had called police and thats exactly what I had announced as I entered the cursed alleyway.
I had followed Brendan and when I heard rising voices and Brendan doing his Irish bad man act...I panicked. These weren't nice guys and well, anything to do with Warren put me more on edge. I swanned in and fighting broke out with Brendan desperately trying to push me away but their were 3 of them and 2 of us. I didn't know if they thought I was bluffing about calling the cops but they didn't leave. I was holding my own to be fair...or I was doing adequately considering I wasn't quite in the same weight class as my opponents. I got pushed down and smacked my head hard and everything got blurry but thats when i saw it, one guy with his hand in his pocket. I knew he had a gun or I was reasonably sure he did. Either way I had little time to think it over as I got myself up and launched at him. I crashed into him hard and then the loudest noise I think I'd ever heard erupted as I fell to the ground. Everything started to sound like it was echoing from another room but to be honest I wasn't all that scared because I saw him and he was ok.
He was kneeling over me lifting my shirt searching frantically. He took his jacket off and balled it up and jammed it hard into my side.
"We have to go." He was out of breath already but he pulled me to my feet and dragged me as quickly out of there as he could.
"We can't get mixed up with cops" he huffed with his arm wrapped around me. My heart was pounding in my ears but I still wasn't frightened really or maybe I was, my head was numb but my body was shaking and I wasn't sure if I'd have walked on my own though I suspected if I had to some instinct would have kicked in and I would not have laid there helplessly or I at least hoped that would have been the case out of some bit of pride that knocked about inside me.
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I was kept over night for observation but my injuries had only amounted to a flesh wound and a concussion. Brendan didn't stay with me. He was clenched and uneasy and with a hesitant pat on the shoulder he left until the next morning when he had made the unpleasant announcement that he was done with me which was sort of our thing if we had to have a thing, to exile each other from one anothers lives.
I should have called Amy to pick me up but I didn't I wandered out of the hospital on my own. My head was killing me by the way and people who act like "flesh wounds" are like a scraped knee are assholes. I considered getting a room at the B&B but I made my way to Brendans anyway. I wanted to have a lie down more than I'd ever wanted to have one in my whole life but anger seemed to propel me. I was honestly a bit deterred when I found I didn't have the spare key he'd given me and when I knocked no one appeared to be home but if I was going to leave for good like he wanted he was going to fucking explain himself to me first. I slumped down in the doorway and waited or mostly I fell asleep. Actually I slept rather well considering I was sat upright against a hard wooden frame. I was only jostled awake by Brendan swinging the door open behind me letting me flop into the entry way of his flat as he stepped over me to get inside.
I moaned as the movement irritated my injuries and thankfully he paused. Mr. Toughlove who planned to ignore me paused and turned to look down at me because fuck him he cared and he couldn't stop. He didn't help me up but he didn't continue walking away which I took as a good sign. I got myself up so I could be level with him or more level with him.
"Real mature, that." I pointed back at the door way.
"Learn to take a hint."
"Why don't you just tell me what the fuck the problem is yeah?
"You cant see the problem? You're diving in front of fucking bullets..and you don't see the problem?"
"I'm...fine" I stuttered "I don't know what to say to you...I don't know why this is the solution."
"You're not fine! Thats the problem, Steven" He slammed his fist down onto a table hard to emphasize his point some how. "I thought you were getting better...but you're not..."
"What are you talking about?" I sidled up close to him. He didn't move away but I knew touching him would push it just now.
"You know what I'm talking about." He said with a glare that shot through me
"Don't do that. Don't act like you wouldn't have done the same for me...Tell me you wouldn't do what I did..."
"I thought you could be safe that things were better now...but I can't keep you safe if you're going to do shit like this."
I took the risk and put his face in my hands to make him look at me. "Stop...just say it...say you would do the same for me...Were exactly the same you and I...you can't chuck me out for doing what you would do"
He rested his forehead against mine.
"How many times do I need to tell you we're not the same." he whispered
"We are" I insisted.
He pushed me away then took a few steps back and cocked his head and thought for a moment.
"Leave Steven."
"No."
He started towards me forcing me to walk backwards to the door.
"You're a hypocrite you know that? I saved your fucking life or I could have but..." I whined in a final attempt to get him to just let it go and maybe let me go to my room and sleep for a few days.
"...FINE!" he yelled as he started to speak over me "...fine I'm a hypocrite if that makes you feel better to hear but you won't die on my behalf...do you understand that?" his eyes had gone wild again as he gave me the final push out the door. I didn't bother to fight him on it.
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"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here." I spoke absently to the ground before deciding looking upwards seemed more positive. It was lovely view from a hill under a big oak tree and I wondered if that was coincidental or if Amy had combed through all the plots and decided which ones were the most scenically pleasing to plant or children in. My own cynicism made me cringe as the reality of all the things she had to do on her own washed over me and that old familiar guilt crept upon me. I stared hard at the two tiny headstones again before shuttering the thoughts away with a swig out of a bottle of cheap vodka I had procured.
"I'm sorry I never came before...I didn't think you'd mind but if you do I'm sorry..."
I stumbled then steadied myself on a neighboring gravestone before knocking back another drink.
"I needed to tell you I'm sorry for not being there for you...for not taking care of you the way you deserved. And I wanted to tell you that I did something that I don't know if it was the right thing or not anymore but its what I should've done for you. I wish with all my heart I could be in your places that I could've been there when you needed me...and I've wanted to be with you for so long but last night wasn't about that and I want you to know that. I want you to know I wasn't giving up or being thoughtless...I just... maybe I never got to tell you when it mattered but there's choices you have to make in life and if you make a choice out of love its never a wrong one...well sometimes it might be but...putting someone before yourself its not wrong...I...don't know what I'm saying anymore just I want you to be proud of me wherever you are I hope that you are...and daddy will love you...always..."
I slumped onto my back and gazed up at the stars deciding to let the tears that had crept up on me fall in peace without trying to stop the flow as I clutched the bottle of vodka to my chest. There was a peacefulness to it all and I couldn't tell if it was from being there or if it was the booze and pain killer mix but either way things didn't seem as awful for a little while.
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"Oi, Steven...wake up"
His fat irish face was bobbing above mine as I opened my eyes. The sun was so bright behind him it looked like he was wearing a halo.
"You're lucky you weren't picked up for vagrancy..." he stood upright and began kicking at some blades of grass, maybe nervously.
"and whats it to you?"
"I was worried about ya Steven...and now so's Amy. I apologize for that."
I sighed irritatedly in reply. Of all people to worry I was rather purposely leaving Amy out of this.
"You shouldn't be out here in your condition"
"My condition? What you think I'm pregnant or sumthin?" I laughed awkwardly at my own joke. "you didn't care about my 'condition' last night...so why don't ya do one."
He shuffled about in front of me fiddling with his shirt but trying to make it look as if he was only straightening it and not buying time.
" I don't want anything bad to happen to you...regardless of whether or not we're..."
"...together?" I finished his sentence as the words...the mushy ones he still seemed to struggle with.
"yeah." he darted his eyes around focusing on anything but me for the moment.
"So what you changed your mind...what are you doing here?"
"Let me take you to Amy's..."
"Fuck off...You kicked me out and if you're feeling guilty about it then good...you deserve to feel guilty." I sounded childish and stupid but I wanted him to be sorry and I wanted him to say it.
"I don't feel guilty Steven, I want you off my back I don't want to feel responsible for you anymore. I want you to find some purpose or some new bloke and get your shit together..." he got real animated in his motions strutting around but not leaving and it just made me laugh. This constant tension we had it was silly. I knew what happened the night before was serious, but this follow up, this obligatory fight was making me laugh even harder now.
"What?" He snapped.
"This is stupid...how many times are we gonna do this? It don't matter what I do...or what you do we always come back."
"I don't know maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. You in the path of a bullet seems like a pretty big sign to me."
"and it means what? Were not good for each other? We'll ruin each other?... because we already knew that Brendan. I think we worked that out years ago. But were still here. Fires burn, bullets fly and every other fucking thing and were still here fighting. All it proves is it's hopeless to resist each other. Maybe were fucked up, maybe too fucked up to make sense but we're fated and I'm tired of fighting it, aren't you?"
He finally properly looked at me as a small smirk crept accross his face and he let out a long sigh that sounded a bit like a concession.
"You can't do what you did last night again...you know that."
"Fine, you agree to never save me and I'll never try to save you..."
"Steven..."
"I don't want to live without you...thats all. It's not about a death wish...I just love ya...more than anyone else so...I didn't want you to get fuckin shot..."
Then more silence fell over us. He kicked more dirt about and then looked back down at me softer than before.
"ok."
"ok?"
"Yeah...ok. Let's go home." He offered me his hand to help me up and I took it gratefully. We were stood on the slope of a hill with me standing higher than him making me slightly taller which got me oddly giddy and I made him stand still opposite me for a bit.
"Are you a little drunk?" He asked amused pointing to that bottle of vodka that had been my best friend the night before. I didn't answer I just fell forward into him letting my arms wrap around his neck. I kissed his ear as he playfully took a few steps backwards unsettling my feet from under me. I propelled myself up which wasn't the easiest to do so that my legs wrapped around his waist with my arms still firmly around his neck. He swept one arm around my waist and the other under me and carried me down the hill while I giggled like a school girl. When we got to the bottom he stood me back on my own feet and kissed me on the forehead and we walked home side by side and for once his flat really did feel like home.
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"Well, you finally made an honest woman out of her!" I laughed as I slapped Lee on the back. It seemed like a thing someone might say but I was shit at these sorts of things so i was really winging it.
"Oi, you!" Amy teasingly smacked my hand in response.
Music was blasting with some local kid serving as a dj. One thing you can say about Hollyoaks is theres never a shortage of wannabe dj's hanging about. It was a dinky little hall in the basement of a church but it was a cozy enough reception to accompany a simple ceremony. Amy looked happy and thats all that really mattered.
I pulled her away from who ever she had turned to talk to and swept her into the center of the floor for a dance.
"Its our song!" I cheekily exclaimed at some horrible Spice Girls number that was playing. "Of all the wannabes you could have picked to dj you picked a Spice Girl enthusiast?"
"I think thats what he thinks us old folks like...you know anyone over 24..." we had a laugh as I spun her around.
"So Mr. Hay are you gonna stick around?"
"Well, what kind of maid of honor would I be if i cut out early,eh?"
"No...thats not what I mean...you know..." hers eyes got real wide as she looked behind me...something had interrupted her train of thought. "Ste...you've got company" she exclaimed as she spun me around so I could see.
He was stood in a hallway right outside the room peeking in. He was wearing a suit which wasn't unusual for him though the tie was.
"as to your question Ames...yeah I think I'll be sticking around awhile" I kissed her on the cheek and made my way to him.
"You don't have to stand out there you know" I say when I get closer to him . I reach out my hand to usher him inside but when he takes it he pulls me out to him and then out of sight of any possible onlookers and gives me a peck of a kiss.
"I didn't think you'd come." I say in a sickly dreamy tone as I start to fiddle with his tie absently. "Nice this by the way...though I do like when your all slutty with your buttons..but this is nice too" I teased.
"Well, you know me Steven I never miss a party"
"Come inside...dance with me" I enthused tugging at his hand.
"uuuhhh...well." he groaned
"Oh...not quite ready for all that then...well theres food in there so...we could just..."
He takes the fabric of my jacket in his hands and pulls me to him and this time kisses me harder letting his tongue entwine with mine. His hands settled on my face the way he liked and I brought one hand up to muss in his hair before he broke away and moved his hands to my waist and started to sway stopping only to take my hands and place them over his shoulders and then well...we were dancing sort of...in a dimly lit hallway to horrible music but it was kind of perfect even if it was like two kids shuffling at their first boy/girl party.
I slid my hands around his back and laid my head on his shoulder so that it was more like a swaying hug than a dance.
"I don't think Amy would mind if I ducked out early..."
"I'm gonna start to think your ashamed of me Steven...I just got here after all."
"Naw...I'm just thinking maybe we could make this dance a little more interesting back home."
"You think so..." He said in his lowest sexiest voice.
I stood back to look at him, I still found it almost impossible to believe we had the life we had now. That we were together and no it wasn't perfect and maybe we would never dance together or hold hands on a crowded dance floor but the fact that we danced at all was the point. I knew I was beaming stupidly at him at him then, smiling so big it threatened to make my face ache.
"What?" he asked curiously with a hint of a laugh in his voice.
"Nothing...I'm just...happy."
~ The End ~
A/N: To any one still hanging with me...thank you. And to anyone who liked any part of this and commented, thank you.
Sorry it took so long! I ran into a lot of personal stuff and I do wish I had finished it sooner when having Warren as a nemesis seemed even halfway more current.
Also sorry they fought so often it just seemed like they would...and I like to think they fight hard and love hard for the rest of their days together...even if the show may prove otherwise...the ending to this story will always be that.