4.07:

S: Is this war more important than her life?

F: [sighs]

S: Answer the question. I wanna hear you say it. Is this war more important than her life?

F: Right now with what's at stake... yes, it is more important.

S: Oh, fuck you!

VIII.

A few days later, James thinks he has THE solution. A way not only for John to feel truly accepted, but also to give him something helpful, hopefully, to face the outside world when the time would come.

And Thomas, as always, is more than willing to help…

/

A week later, on Sunday, John is surprised to find James on the stairs before his door as he comes back from cleaning himself - James usually accompanies Thomas to church.

James answers his puzzled look with a shrug, explaining while fiddling with his fingers: "It's just Oglethorpe today. And there's something I meant to ask you." 'Privately enough but without you having to walk for long' goes unsaid, but John hears it anyway. So John just sits next to James, concerned, and waits for whatever James has to say.

"I thought we should resume your sword training; if you were so enclined, of course."

John can't believe his ears. His mouth falls open, words rushing out of it:

"You would still? … After I-"

"I would." With a shy smile, James points with a finger behind their backs. "I do."

John is surprised again as he turns and sees two wooden swords laying on the upper step. Their forms and lengths look oddly familiar (James's real one still waiting for his owner in a trunk now guarded by The Queen) and John realizes with yet added wonder that James must have made them himself…

"The weight isn't exactly right of course. But it's good enough for practice: technique, footwork, endurance. And we won't have to worry about cut-"

John can't help but interrupt; allowing his eyes to convey just how much this exactly means to him.

"How can you…"

John lowers his gaze to the ground then - ashamed, still, years later.

"I meant it. In case you thought I hadn't? I meant it."

James sighs.

"Well… I had it coming, hadn't I… After what I had said about Madi-"

John hasn't expected this at all; he has to find James's eyes again:

"What you had said about Madi ?"

James is surprisingly the one to look ashamed, now.

"I won't repeat it; but I know it must have been hard to hear; and it must have had you doubt my friendship… And here I was, reprimanding you for wasting time instead of working at saving her - after having told you… I understand how you couldn't believe I meant it then; how you must have felt I was only trying to use her against you, just as Billy had tried against me…"

And that's when it clicks.

"Wait. Are you talking about… what you said about Madi and the war when Roger's letter arrived ?"

"Of course."

"Is that somehow also related to why you took the cache behind my back on Skeleton's Island?"

"I felt you wouldn't understand such a plan of action was our best chance; not after what I had said…"

And the only thing John can retort is:

"Fuck."

"Wasn't it the reason-"

"No! When you told- I was angry, yes. But I understood. I could relate. Those days while we had thought her gone… I had wanted that war then, and you know it, with all I had left. You had years of that rage; and it had been fed again recently… Your reaction infuriated me, of course; but believe me when I tell you that I was able to understand: you had fought too long for the dead to be able to remember what it was to fight for the living. So you couldn't have anything - anyone - having precedence over that war; because it would mean giving it precedence over your losses. Those words were why I didn't tell you about digging out the cache; but they had nothing to do with… I knew that you really cared for Madi; beyond what she represented - for who she was. You had liked her even before she had started liking you. And I also knew she would agree with you. Why did you think I agreed we even tried it your way, if you thought…"

James seems confused. And maybe guilty.

"Do you truly think it would have gone differently? If I had explained to you why I had to take the chest?"

John takes some time before answering.

"I want to say yes. I want to believe I would have listened."

John's voice turn soft; somehow pleading.

"Because all that happened on that damn island? It had nothing to do with anything you ever said sincerely. It had only to do with the fact that I felt you had lied. You had just sworn to my face that I had your support, about trading the cache. And right after, you took it away? I know now it was, actually, a way to support me. But then? The way it went? It just felt like you were stabbing me, and Madi, in the back; and this, I couldn't forgive."

John turns his head, looking straight ahead, but not downwards; allowing James to read his profile if not his eyes as he goes on, regret now evident in his voice.

"And the betrayal made me look at everything under a new light; made me think you must have been in fact just playing me all along - while I believed we had grown past this; while I definitely was past this... And to be honest: it hurt more than I would have liked. So in that moment? Yes, I did hate you enough to want you dead. So I sent men. I knew they would probably meet their end too, but I had to find the cache; it was all your fault anyway. And when I found you; again, you refused to hand over the cache. And then you shot Dooley; instead of me, I realized - and I felt guilty about his blood on the ground too, and I hated you for it even more… and so I raised my sword against you."

John sighs before pursuing: "But the truth is: I honestly don't know if it would have changed a thing in the end. You were right about me not thinking straight then. Besides, we can't rewrite the past anyway…"

John meets James's eyes again, and there's wonder in his voice as he ends: "Yet here we are now; and you're willing to spar with me, as if none of it has ever happened…"

James apparently wasn't prepared for John's struggle at the concept. "I told you it was- I told you we were repairable, didn't I?"

John nods. "You did." He sighs again. "But I couldn't believe you then - even if, honestly, I wanted to. But that bond we had? I thought that you had broken it the moment you had lied to me; and that I had broken it the moment I had raised my sword against you - you had an history of answering to mutiny… It's only when Madi let me read your letter that I realized you had actually meant it, even then…"

So James is now the one surprised.

"So you still mistrusted me. And yet, you gave me Thomas…?"

And the honest wonder in James's voice and in James's eyes makes it impossible for John not to let out: "You can't not know why…"

But John sees it in James's eyes: James doesn't - not really. And so, right now, faced with the enormity of what James has just given to him? John feels he has to give something back. It doesn't come to him naturally; letting his defenses down, opening up. Even with Madi; but her neverending patience always ended coaxing him into giving her everything anyway, and she had been expert at reading between his lines to start with. John had used to believe James adept at reading between the lines too; but maybe they had got so blurred, at some point, they had finally turned undecipherable…

John can't keep holding James's gaze though, and stares straight ahead once more.

"I had seen you force reality to bend, by the sheer force of your will, so often… But when we hit the sunken boats, I realized my faith and overconfidence were illusions. And when I emerged from the water, and found you all gone - dead? prisoners soon to be dead? - I knew. I couldn't lose her. Nor you. And definitely not the both of you. Billy had it wrong, you see… The choice was never Madi or you. It was losing you both or saving you both - even if you'd both hate me for it. So. I had to end it - your war; her war… But I didn't know how. Until-

The next bit is harder to confess, and John's eyes momentarily find the ground.

"What I told you is true: when Max told me about this place? I wanted Thomas to be here - for you. That's all. It hit me like a block - that hope. The first selfless wish I've ever had…"

"John-"

John holds a hand out, interrupting whatever James is about to say - he isn't finished; and he must get it out, all of it, and not only the best lighted parts.

"But it's not all of it. Because when I hinted at the possibility? It got obvious then that you couldn't bear the thought of it;because of how much in fact you would be ready to trade for it - everything. And that's when the original wish got an added layer; and a selfish one. What can I say; you know me - I see an opportunity, I take it. So I didn't tell Madi either about my investigation. Because if I did find Thomas? And you chose to turn away from the war? It might have been you she might have blamed, instead of me… I knew she couldn't do nothing; but having her not marching to war on the frontline? So I started to hope Thomas would be here; in my own interest too… It would be the perfect solution; if only it could be true! You would be happy; I would be happy; and Madi would be happy too - once she would have realized that she was more useful alive and working on the background a life long - longer than if she died in a war doomed to be lost anyway… When I came back without you and without the cache? Madi accused me of having planned to betray her trust all along. And I couldn't deny it; because it was true. I have never lied to her. Coming from me, I suppose one might says it means something. But I was guilty, of that one omission. And I knew its price. I had always known its price. I had just hoped I might not have to pay it; but I had always been ready to… And I should have had to pay it in full… It's a recurrent dream, now. Her ordering me to leave the island. How I wish she would have… I would happily trade those years that mean the most in my life, if it could give her another chance to do just so. I only wanted her to live; and I ended up being her end. She deserved better. Obviously, anyway, better than me."

John's voice sounds about to crack, and James feels compelled to soothe John's hurt; even knowing he can't.

"John-"

Once more though, he is cut off by an imperative hand gesture.

John takes a breath. His voice is levelled again; but lower, heavy with guilt and with the weight of the depths he is about to reveal.

"You know I can't say I never lied to you. But I can tell I stopped to, for what it's worth; after the shark hunt. I withheld valuable information from you too though - information that concerned you, I mean; and I know I shouldn't have. How I went to Julius; asking him what he'd rather have: war with the chest, or peace without. How I took the cache as a back-up plan, knowing I'd have support for it on the island, should it come to that. Because even if I hoped your plan would work, I hadto be ready if it didn't. So I am the one responsible for the mess on that island; don't ever feel otherwise. I didn't trust you to understand; just like you didn't trust me - but I was first with that fault. Who knows how things would have gone, if I had talked… But the worst omission still, I know, is about Thomas. I know I should have told you he was alive right the moment I saw you again after Morgan had told it to me… I don't even know why I didn't… I could tell you it was because I was blaming you for Madi's death; even knowing it wasn't your fault. Simply because you had been there. I blamed myself too, for not having been there. But you had been there. I could tell you it was because I couldn't lose the power of your rage, if I was going to avenge her the way I wanted to. I could tell you it was because grief is such an ugly selfish beast that I simply hadn't thought to tell you. I could even tell you, maybe, that I didn't tell you because I knew it would mean losing you, too, while you were all I had left, and I wasn't ready to make that cut… But the truth is; I honestly don't know what the truth is."

John meets James's eyes again. He focuses though not on reading what those eyes say to him - and right now, they say plenty - but on making his own eyes clear for James to read his sincerity.

"But when you came to me, and said you'd help me through it? I suddenly realized I still hadn't told you yet, and I felt so ashamed… So I was about to tell you - if it can mean something now, way past due time… But right that moment, we were summoned by the Queen - and then I couldn't tell because I needed you focused, in order to save Madi… But giving you Thomas had always been the plan anyway."

It's too much, though; and John has to break contact.

"So. When Rackham told me about the plan for the future of Nassau, he presented taking you away to that place Max had talked to him about as being merciful; because he was supposed to eliminate you. And he told he needed part of the cache for it - their allies couldn't pay for your 'retirement', as you were supposed to die. But I knew you would never let Rackham take you away quietly; and he knew it too. He was going to try, of course - but mostly so that he could say later that he had; an excuse… So when it came to it? He had no means to pay. And he had the numbers; our crew was so dimished - and wasn't even a crew at this point to start with. But you hadn't taken my life, while you could have had - and twice; it had dawned on me, by that point, that you had only been blocking as I had been attacking you… And Madi had been saved thanks to you; at the least, even when I still couldn't see the whole picture, thanks to your naval tactician battle choices. So I owed you; not only your life, but Thomas too… There was also more to it - whether I liked it or not; but those facts at least were irrefutable and tangible, and I was glad to have them justifying the path I had already chosen, simply because I couldn't let you die - not anymore; not when you had opened that door again, and I wished that what showed through it was true. I was ready to discard my chance at happiness; but I wouldn't discard yours. So I told Rackham that I could pay, and that I'd try to convince you; and even though I didn't tell him why I thought I could succeed, he sensed I believed I could - and he was happy enough to let me take that blame…"

"And so you went down in history as the villain on that story; bringing me to those gates."

"It couldn't matter. Not if it saved you. Besides, I have more than enough blood on my conscience to fit that part. And I know what I did. I realized, later on, how I had not only sold you, but also let Thomas down; betraying you, and everything you ever fought for, twice. So I'll honestly understand if you reconsidered-"

"John. Stop it; please. Everything you just said… If anything, it only gives me more reasons to improve your sword skills. Can you just accept that?"

John meets his eyes; searches into them for any sign of doubt, probably. He finds none.

"Thank you."

And James can hear his whole soul behind those few words…

A moment passes. It feels so right, to have cleared the air… And that's maybe why, combined with the fact that they just conjured up so many memories, it's out of his mouth before John can stop it:

"Were there other letters? In case Thomas wouldn't have been here?"

James seems to understand that John has been wondering about this for a long time. He holds John's gaze as he sincerely answers:

"No. I figured no letter would do just as much damage anyway. But mostly… I wanted to believe you. And I was right to."

And John feels like giving something back once more; there is still something he has to confide.

"I had to be here anyway, that day; when you would see Thomas…"

"To play the part."

"Of course. But that's not what I meant… I had to see you with him. I had to know you would be happy, somehow, even if… It mattered… And I must admit I was curious, also. I had to see him… (John hesitates but then just lets it out, encouraged by the softness in James's gaze; even though his eyes dart away while finishing) The one who had shaped the one who had shaped me."

And it had felt intrinsically right, in a way John had never thought upon until right then, when he had seen that Thomas looked nothing like him - blond, and so tall… John could be sure James hadn't let him close because he had been softened to him by his looks - and to someone who had so often been valued only by them, it was bound to mean something - even if knowing now that people came to truly care for people for what they were, and not for how they looked… But then, maybe James would have never let him close if he had ressembled Thomas; resenting him more or less consciously simply because he would have been the vague image of the one he longed for: so easy to reach yet so unreachable? and so mesmerizing maybe yet so painful probably to even look look at? Maybe somehow Billy had been doomed from the start? Who could tell. What was was, anyway.

Of course, since knowing Thomas? John knows he is nothing like Thomas either. John had used to think that, maybe, James's vision of Thomas had been made more golden than truth by his loss. But he knows now: Thomas is just pure gold. And sometimes, John can't help but wonder at how James can have ever come to love him then; after such a high standard - on any account, to be honest…

John knows though when he meets James's gaze once more, that it was, and is still true, beyond doubt, anyway: the way James is looking at him, right now, says it all…

And John feels at a loss, flustered, not knowing how to proceed, after such an open admission.

And then, surprisingly, James chuckles.

"He would never shut up if I told him that, you know."

John's eyebrows furrow, but James only laugh harder, leaning in - close enough to actually give John a little shoulder to shoulder push.

"Grandson?"

And John laughs back - forgetting his embarassment and just enjoying the moment - and feels like he is allowed to push back.

"You wouldn't dare."

When their chuckles subdues, James sounds nothing but serious once again:

"Would you spar with Thomas too?"

John is surprised again. This comes out of nowhere.

"Would he?"

James grins now.

"Definitely. He proposed before I could ask, which I was going to… He had a sword in his hand before he could walk, you know. I've never been able to pass him, back in the days. His technique is lethal. He's worried he's a bit rusty; but when it's all come back? You definitely should train with him too then."

And John understands. It's not only a gesture. It's also about his future - of course, James wants him prepared, if he gets out of here. That Thomas though would be willing to help him too? It's not exactly surprising, now that he knows him; but it's not expected either. And John feels grateful.

"I… I would be honored."

James nods, satisfied.

"Then it's done. But the service is soon to be over; it's going to get crowdy around here… If I'm not mistaken, it's your turn off, right? (*AN:The kitchen crew has to work on sunday too. But one of them is free; they take turn.*) I could meet you up the hill, after Thomas has shaved my head?"

John nods back:

"Sure. I'll be there."

A bit, and then John is giving James a conniving smile - blinding him with some of that old damn assurance James had come to miss.

"I heard Matthew was military. Are you planning to enlist him too?"

James feels privileged. It's been a long, long time since John has felt like showing off somehow indeed.

"I'm transparent to you, I know. But if he ever hears about it and shows interest? Well, you have the last word; but I'd say 'why not?'"

They are still smiling at each other when Thomas meets back with them.

/

Thomas asks privately a bit later, as they walk hand in hand on, their way to shave James's head:

"I take it it went well?"

James can't help but sigh, relieved. It still feels a bit overwhelming.

"Even better, Thomas. You know it was to make him feel accepted. And it worked. But I had never expected… He felt compelled to tell me, Thomas - everything I've never dared to ask; and even more… It was… I can't hold any of it against him. And I know he doesn't either - about what I had said…"

"So. You talked. Finally."

"Yes. And I… I gave a push to his shoulder, near nothing; but he… He sort of sat straighter, if that makes sense. And he pushed back, Thomas. He pushed back."

Thomas kisses his hand.

"Of course he did."

A bit.

"He agreed to train with you, too."

"Good. I'm glad to be of help."

"You should know he didn't even hesitate. He likes you. He genuinely does."

"I never thought I should be under the impression that he did not?"

Thomas knows John hasn't made any effort to get close with anyone new here, besides him; probably because he's still protecting himself. But John did seek him out, about right away. And even if Thomas knows John just couldn't ignore him - he kind of came with the package - it was still brave of him to do so, and with sincerity… Besides, they understand each other - they have the same priority: James's well being…

"Of course not. I just meant to say that he likes you - for who you are; not only because you're important to me, or because you remind him of his Madi."

"Well, I like him too for who he is, you know."

He doesn't need to say the rest; they both hear it anyway.

Not only because he's important to you, or because he reminds me of Miranda…