author's note: spoiler for A Storm of Swords that hasn't appeared in the TV show as of the end of Season 4. Also, no offense, classics majors.
chapter 13: wild and crazy guys
August 1, 2006
Walker Studios
Walkerville, PA
It had been two months since Wanda had shown up to the studios that she'd heard were re-launching In Your Face to explain why she should be a part of the show. "I was the feisty kid that threw this all in your face, remember?" She was proud of the pun, and made a mental note to tell Carlos so she could collect her high five.
"I remember – and great use of the title." Gerri Poveri admitted. She'd aged quite a bit in the last 13 years. The underwater action show she'd starred in had been canceled after two seasons, and she finally felt she was able to return to Walkerville in the era of pundit-led TV. In Your Face could be re-launched as a faux journalistic show, like a local version of the Colbert Report. It was perfect for Wanda. "What happened to your cameraman?"
"He's an engineer." Wanda said dismissively. "I tried to get him to drop out of grad school to join us, but he wouldn't go for it."
"Some people." Gerri rolled her eyes.
Wanda was mostly doing grunt work, like going on coffee runs for Gerri and the crew. She pitched story ideas, but very few were deemed worthy to film, and she didn't get credit for any of them. Instead of being on-camera talent, she was often behind the camera, which wasn't in her wheelhouse. Just when everything was going according to Wanda's plan – she'd had the surfer boyfriend and passed college, after all – things went to crap again. Gerri had made mistakes before, and she'd make them again. Wanda just had to be ready to step into the spotlight when she had the chance. In the meantime, she would be nice to Gerri and wait for her chance.
August 16, 2006
Corvallis State University
Corvallis, OR
Corvallis State University was 2,900 miles away from Walkerville, not that anyone was counting. Phoebe flew from Philadelphia to Portland, then picked up a used car she'd had her uncle scout out for her, visited for a day, and then drove to Corvallis. "You'll love it here!" Her Uncle Steve had enthused. "It's so green." He'd moved to Portland from Boston several years ago. One of the advantages of having a large Catholic extended family meant she had relatives all over the country. By all accounts, she should love Portland, where everyone was young, beautiful, and vegetarian. Things were locally grown and there were composting bins alongside trash cans. As nice as Oregon was, it wasn't right because it wasn't home. Lots of things weren't right. The used car was a sedan, not a van. The further she got from the city, the worse it got. She'd only lived in the city and in suburbs, and now she was going to school in a remote college town. She didn't know which radio stations to listen to or where to buy groceries. She felt like she'd landed on another planet.
Phoebe had cried a bit when her dad and aunt dropped her off at the airport, but held her tears in on the plane. Now, as she drove, they returned. It hadn't helped that her breaks wouldn't coincide with anyone else's. Everything was conspiring to make her feel all alone. Airfare was expensive, so she'd have to pick and choose which holidays to return home like Wanda had. Unlike Wanda, Phoebe's family wasn't trying to fix her up with whomever had a pulse. Phoebe had already been in dialogs with her advisors about going back for DA's commencement, and had started researching when Keesha's would be the next year. If she had to work through Thanksgiving to have a few days off to return to Philly for commencement every year, she'd do it.
She had no doubt that she'd actually like Oregon a lot if she had someone with her. Keesha had started classes and loved them almost as much as she loved being in charge of a fresh crop of RAs. Wanda had her job and was still able to hang out with the gang frequently. Tim was walling himself off from everyone in person, but still talking periodically over IM and texting. Arnold, Carlos, and Ralphie were living in South Philly, within view of the ballpark and football stadium. Everyone was happy except for Phoebe. She felt a slight twinge of joy when she saw the sign for orientation:
WELCOME CORVALLIS STATE VETERINARY MEDICINE CLASS OF 2010!
2010 wasn't that far off; after all, 2006 was almost over. If Wanda could do this, so could Phoebe. If Jon Snow could become Lord Commander of the Night's Watch at 17, Phoebe could spend four years away from her friends. She was so lost in thought when she got to her apartment that she had to take a moment to compose herself before knocking on the door to meet her roommates.
"Hi! You must be Phoebe." Her roommate said. "I'm Ashley."
"Nice to meet you." Phoebe said shyly. Ashley was from Oregon, if Phoebe recalled correctly from their emails. She had another roommate from Idaho whose name was escaping her at the moment.
"Want to go buy some scrubs with Nicole and me?" Ashley asked. "I mean, after you put your stuff down."
"Sure. Let me just get a glass of water first." Phoebe said, setting her bag down near the couch. She hadn't brought much.
"A glass of what?" Ashley asked.
"Wooder. From the spicket." Phoebe pointed at the sink, and realized that people here didn't talk like people from back home, so she tried to say it how they would, feeling incredibly self-conscious. "Wah-ter." She couldn't even talk without sounding weird. It usually took her a few sentences to make a bad joke or for her feet to catch on the floor, either tripping her or making a loud skidding sound.
"Oh!" Ashley laughed. "Where are you from again? South Carolina?"
"Boston." Phoebe said. Ashley looked confused. Phoebe knew her Boston accent rarely came through – usually only in words like Havahd and wicket wee'id. "But I grew up outside of Philadelphia."
"I thought people from Philadelphia talked like people from New York."
"NO." Phoebe was a little more adamant than she would've liked. Ralphie would've been proud of her. We have a letter called "r" in Philly. The thought of her friends felt like another dagger in her heart.
"Oh. Okay then. Here's your room."
A few hours later…
"Wanda? I have a question for you." Phoebe had fun getting to know her new roommates on their shopping trip, and thought they'd all get along well, but she had to talk to someone who'd been in the situation she was in now.
"What is it? Make it fast. I'm on TV now." Wanda said.
"Right now? As in this exact minute?"
"No." Wanda pouted. "I mean I'm about to be famous, so don't count on being able to talk to me forever."
"Oh. Okay." There was an awkward pause.
"You had a question?"
"When you moved to California, did people say you talked funny?"
"Oh yeah. They thought I was from Australia." Wanda remembered. "I wish I was from Australia. I bet there are tons of hot guys there. Why? Are people making fun of you? Do you need me to come and kick some ass?"
"No… It's just… I didn't expect to sound funny."
"Get used to it." Wanda shrugged. "Besides, it's not like the animals are going to care if you like sprinkles or jimmies on your ice cream."
"You're right." Phoebe smiled. If I look back I am lost.
August 28, 2006
Carnegie State University
Pittsburgh, PA
The first day of classes was going to be different without meeting Ralphie and Arnold for lunch. DA had a few friends in the department, but no one she was really close to outside of her library job. She'd returned to campus and to work a few days ago, brimming with enthusiasm from her summer internship at Walker State that exposed her to a variety of different library work. Their programs were growing and they had wanted to add a subject librarian in the physical sciences. They were incredibly impressed with DA's work that summer and her promises to come back over winter break, and were encouraging her to apply for the subject position when it came open, even though she wouldn't have her library degree yet. DA had hoped for firm confirmation that she was on the right track, and here it was. She just had to finish her chemistry degree and hope that the other scientists wouldn't make too much fun of her for moving over to the softer sciences. She had a feeling she'd spend the majority of her free time on the phone or on IM, instead of at Arnold's and Ralphie's, discussing food or baseball or stupid videos they found on the internet or whatever.
"It's so weird without you here." DA said to Arnold.
"I know. I'm about to go to my first class of law school." Arnold marveled.
"You're going to knock their socks off. You were born for this." DA assured him. She knew exactly what to say to Arnold to encourage him, and he knew exactly what to say to lighten the mood.
"I was born to sit in lecture halls?"
"You know what I mean." DA laughed. "How's the party house or whatever weird name Carlos gave you guys?"
"It's not the party house. Carlos tried to call us the iThree Amigos! until Ralphie pointed out that Carlos would be Martin Short."
"Damn Ralphie, not letting Carlos be Steve Martin." DA laughed.
"I think Ralphie ended up being Chevy Chase, and I'm Steve Martin… anyway, Carlos settled on Wild and Crazy Guys. Even though there are two in the skit and three of us…"
"You know that Carlos doesn't care about minutia like that. He just wants to be Steve Martin." DA missed the guys – everyone, really. She'd expected to miss Arnold the most, and she did, but she could imagine the echoes of the argument the guys had over who got to be whom, and found herself wishing she was there. She'd never cared about the dumb arguments until now, when she couldn't just roll her eyes and leave. It was true what they said: she didn't know how good she had it until it was gone.
"I think Ralphie finally made Carlos turn off the dentist song from Little Shop of Horrors. It only took two hours of it on repeat." Arnold explained.
"You've got to help rein him in, too. Ralphie will give in after a while." DA lectured.
"I know that."
"Sorry." DA looked at her watch. "I've still got half an hour until class. What about you?"
"I'm about to leave. Ralphie's already finished his first class. Oh! Carlos had to wear a tie to orientation."
"And you don't?" DA thought the lawyers would be more into ties than the dentists.
"Well… I'm going more for snappy casual."
"What does that even mean?"
"No one knows." Arnold said, pulling on a blazer. "So I'm just looking good, like I always do."
"Of course." DA sighed. "I can't wait until I move back there."
"Me either. Go rock your chemistry classes."
"You got it, babe."
September 5, 2006
Fitzgerald University
New York, NY
Tim hated how cliché it was for him to come to New York to chase his dreams, but sometimes there was truth to clichés. He'd left his car, his friends, and his family to chase a dream. Granted, it wasn't for fame and fortune like everyone else, so he had some originality there. He'd visited New York a few times and had never understood some of his friends' distaste for the city. All he saw was opportunity where they saw a bunch of guys with the wrong uniforms.
He was finally on his own in a real, world-class city. He'd got enough scholarships to afford a studio in the student apartments. He was looking forward to being alone, instead of listening to Carlos prattle on about things. He'd be a real New Yorker, get a world-class education, and design heartbreakingly wonderful bridges. He had a chance to make a real difference in the world, which was now open before him. A bright young engineer could go far with the right education, and that's what he was doing here. Sure, there were other world-class engineering schools nearby, but none of them were in New York, the city where anything was possible. There were a ton of jobs in New York, so he could even live here permanently. It was close enough to get to Philly for the occasional trip to see his friends who were unwilling to leave their comfort zones. He didn't need DA or her theory. He could thrive without his friends.
When he'd said goodbye to his friends a few days ago, Wanda had tried to get him to ditch grad school for a "great new opportunity." He told her that he wasn't a total idiot and wouldn't flush his future down the toilet for her and her schemes. Now it was all behind him. He suspected that his friends didn't really need him – except maybe Wanda, and that was to carry her stuff. Now he'd see if he was right. He was in New York City – the center of America in so many ways. Here, Philadelphia was a quaint town for kids to visit on field trips. Everything that felt big about Philly was tiny here. Tim could get lost, or he could make a name for himself. It was entirely up to him.
October 13, 2006
Conwell University
Philadelphia, PA
"This isn't a top ten law school, so you'll have to make sure you're in the right extracurricular activities to get a job at a top firm." Arnold's advisor said.
"Extracurriculars? In law school?"
"I recommend the honors societies. They do a lot of service, and if you keep getting the grades you did in undergrad, you should have no problem qualifying. It's a matter of getting noticed."
Arnold Perlstein had never had a problem being noticed before. He'd hated it in elementary school, but as he'd grown up, he'd realized that his unique blend of neuroticism, caution, extraordinary good looks, and intelligence was something to be embraced. He could feel the fear of being stuck at his aunt's law firm with Janet creeping up again. He thought hard as he walked through the crisp fall air back to the subway, and let the train jostle the thoughts around.
"I can't practice law with Janet." He spat her name out.
"Perlstein and Perlstein is a catchy name, though." Ralphie said. "But she'd probably insist that it was her name first."
"You realize we'd probably kill each other, right?" Arnold furrowed his brow. "Kill or be killed."
"We'll get you into the honors society." Ralphie assured him. Arnold smiled. That's one thing the other law students didn't have: a loyal-to-a-fault DPT student willing to do his bidding. "You could run for class president. You're a natural politician."
"DA is a natural politician," Arnold qualified.
"Get her on Skype; she'll teach you everything she knows." Ralphie suggested.
"Okay. So I get involved in student government, and then they'll have to notice me. There are a couple of societies. I have to figure out which one is the best."
"You have a librarian for a girlfriend." Ralphie felt like he could have done his advising in his sleep. "Look, it sounds like DA could help you more than I could."
"Are you kidding me?" Arnold said. "She may have the political and research know-how, but you and I make the best team."
"True. Allied Health rarely deals with the political minefield that is the Franklin College of Law."
"Ooh, are we scheming?" Carlos interrupted, peeking out from the top of the stairs. "I can totally help you scheme."
"We're getting Arnold into the honor society. Wait!" Ralphie's eyes lit up. "Women find Carlos attractive for some reason."
"Hey!" Carlos cried.
"We could set up a 'rendezvous' with Carlos and someone..."
"That won't work." Arnold shook his head. "No one wants to date dentists."
"I don't want you whoring me out anyway." Carlos shrugged. "I'm doing fine on my own."
"We have to create a staggeringly brilliant campaign. Arnold, you're going to look awesome every day to get the ladies to notice you." Ralphie thought aloud.
"Done."
"Ladies notice more than looks," Carlos said. "You're going to have to show that you're smart and compassionate." He made a mental note to tell Keesha that he had indeed been listening to her discussions about feminism.
"Also done."
"Play it up." Ralphie said. "But humbly. The health programs are all getting together to raise money to fix cleft palates in third-world countries. Couldn't you call for the law school to do something like that?"
"It has to be legally related, probably." Arnold thought. "Maybe we could help... incarcerated people..."
"Give them legal advice?" Ralphie asked.
"Bad idea. But we could maybe buy books for their libraries?" Arnold's eyes lit up. "Yes! It's perfect!"
"See, I told you I'm the brains of this operation." Ralphie said.
"Whatever. You're..." Arnold thought.
"The feelings." Carlos interrupted. "Because Arnold's the brawn and probably the brains, and I'm the looks and some of the brawn... And Tim is..."
"Tim deserted us." Ralphie said sadly.
November 22, 2006
Conwell University
Philadelphia, PA
It wasn't until the day before Thanksgiving that Keesha realized there was no way of getting out of her duty shift, making it necessary for her to phone her grandmother. "Grandma, I'm working on Thanksgiving." Keesha explained. She'd hoped to catch her grandmother before she started cooking, and had been lucky in that regard.
"You know I'm not going to be around forever." Mrs. Franklin was the master of the guilt trip. She didn't use it often, but when she did, it usually worked.
"I know… I'm just the newest hall director and I got stuck with Thanksgiving. I asked to see if I could sneak away for a few hours, but no one will be around. I'll have Christmas off, though."
"Are you sure?" Mrs. Franklin wondered.
"I'm sure, grandma. I'm so sorry." Keesha sighed. Normally she loved being in charge. She'd had fun training her new student leaders and trying to be friends with the other hall directors. She was good at making friendly acquaintances, but not as good at forging meaningful relationships with people. Every time she got close, she was reminded that she'd never be able to be completely honest with anyone. She and Phoebe had commiserated about this over Skype - it was obvious to Keesha that Phoebe's roommates found the whole "seven best friends since childhood" situation bizarre. Being stuck at school was one thing – being stuck at school in a way that denied her Thanksgiving dinner was too much to bear. She decided someone had to be able to bring her a plate of food somehow, so she started making calls. She started with DA, whose parents made the best food.
"So is working Thanksgiving making you any friends?" DA wondered.
"I hate you." Keesha said.
"Why?" DA asked innocently. She had a feeling where this was going.
"Because you were right about the friends." Keesha sighed. "You made it back home?"
"Yeah, and my parents want us to have 'family time,' so I can't come visit you on Thanksgiving. Sorry." Keesha should have known; the Mauers were notorious for their copious amounts of required togetherness. After their conversation concluded, Keesha tried another tactic.
"Wanda!" Keesha said into the phone. "What are you doing tomorrow?"
"You are not going to believe this." Wanda whined. "I'm at the grocery store right now. I have to cook for everyone on the show. This is bullshit."
"Wait – Gerri Poveri is making you cook for her?"
"Yep. But I get time and a half, so there's that. I can actually afford new shoes next month." Wanda conceded. "Shit is expensive. Being an adult sucks." After five more minutes of complaining and debating the difference between yams and sweet potatoes, Keesha went to the next name on her mental list.
"Ralphie, my dear friend…" Keesha started.
"What do you want from me?" Ralphie was wary.
"Thanksgiving dinner. You're coming back to Philly after eating with your mom, right? You could bring me a tiny plate of food?" She asked sweetly.
"I can guarantee you there won't be anything left. My Aunt Brenda and Uncle Tony are coming with their kids, and Uncle Brian, who usually eats a pound of stuffing…"
"And then there's you." Keesha sighed. "Dammit. What about Arnold?"
"He's in the Poconos." Ralphie explained. "His family is too fancy for Walkerville Thanksgiving."
Keesha considered her remaining options. Phoebe was in Oregon still, probably working at the clinic to build goodwill and pad her bank account for her flights to Philly. Tim and Carlos were the only ones that remained. Both had parents that could cook decently well, and she couldn't remember a meal at either house that stood out to her. The Reynolds family knew her better though, thanks to Tim's parties, so she gave him a call. "Any chance you could hook me up with some Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?"
"We're going out." Tim said. "Dad just found out he's being promoted to Dean of the College of Arts starting January 1, so we're going to celebrate."
"Congratulations to him." Keesha said weakly.
"I'll pass that on, but more enthusiastically." Tim was smirking – she could feel it. Their conversation was short. Keesha feared Tim started to think he was better than everyone else now that he lived in New York. Everyone's an ass in New York City, Ralphie liked to say. Keesha hoped Tim wouldn't get too New York for his friends.
"Carlos." She said into the phone. "I know there's no chance, but…"
"Yes, I will let you go out with me." Carlos joked.
"That's not what I was asking." Keesha interrupted. "I'm stuck at school tomorrow and I'd absolutely love a plate of Thanksgiving dinner."
"And what will you give me for it?"
"Five dollars?" Keesha tried to think of things that would motivate Carlos. "Eternal gratitude?"
"The price for your eternal gratitude is five dollars?" Carlos asked. "If I'd known that..."
"Just – please tell me why you can't get me the turkey so I can start looking into what's in the dining hall."
"Oh, I can bring you turkey."
"Please tell me you're not making some sort of lewd gesture right now."
"No, I mean the food." Carlos said. "Although it might curse you, because it will be foiled again."
"Oh God." Keesha sighed. "Yes, I'll listen to your stupid jokes if that's the price I have to pay for turkey."
"Our dinner's at 3 – I won't make it back to Philly until about 6."
"Really?" Keesha was normally pretty level, but she was absolutely thrilled that she would get Thanksgiving dinner after all. "That would be amazing!"
"My mom makes some killer stuffing – do you like stuffing?" Carlos asked.
The next day…
The knock on her door came at precisely 6 p.m., and Keesha raced to the door. "You are literally my favorite person right now." She grabbed the plate.
"Don't gobble your food. Get it?" Carlos asked as Keesha shoved a piece of turkey in her mouth.
"I'm too hungry to care about your damn jokes." Keesha said. "This is really, really good."
"Why did the turkey cross the road?"
"I don't care."
"To show he wasn't chicken."
"Still don't care." Keesha closed her eyes to enjoy the food more. "I'm so glad your family doesn't keep you hostage all day."
"What? You asked DA first?"
"Yeah. To be perfectly honest, you were the last person I called." Keesha took a big bite of vegetables.
"Because I said yes? Or I was seventh?"
"Sixth, technically – Phoebe's in Oregon. It's nothing personal, I promise." Keesha said.
"Don't worry, I don't suspect fowl play." Carlos grinned. Keesha stared at him blankly.
"Okay, this is probably why I didn't call you first, but I owe you the courtesy of listening to your dumb jokes."
"I saved your Thanksgiving. The least you could do is laugh at my dumb jokes." Carlos negotiated. "What's the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?"
"What?" Keesha humored him.
"Turkey!" Carlos cried. Keesha laughed harder than anyone ever should. "Okay, now you're making fun of me."
"You didn't say I had to find them funny, just that I had to laugh." Keesha pointed out.
December 13, 2006
Conwell University
Philadelphia, PA
Phase One of the plan had gone well, and Arnold had been recognized for organizing the book drive. Phase Two involved pitting honors societies against each other in a bidding war, and Arnold had an in with one. Unfortunately, he had to deviate from the original plan for this one, so he pulled Ralphie aside. "Okay, I know this is a stretch – but I know a guy whose sister is in the Occupational Therapy program." Arnold said. "They can meet us for dinner tonight."
"Wait – so you're setting me up, and your date is a guy?" Ralphie was confused. Arnold and Carlos kept setting him up, and it had never been more than mediocre. Then again, the women he asked out often ended up being horribly wrong for him.
"I'm not going on a date." Arnold thought a moment. "DA won't be back in town until next week. We were going to go out for your birthday anyway – let's just invite these guys along. Please?"
"Please tell me I'm not some pawn in Phase Two." Ralphie said. Arnold didn't say anything for a moment, but he caved. He always did.
"It's for the honor society."
"You're pimping me out to get in the honor society? What happened to Carlos?"
"It's not pimping you out, trust me. My classmate, who happens to have a fair amount of clout in the honor society, says his sister is sick of being single, and she likes baseball – I checked. She's not interested in Carlos because she may be mildly racist. Worst case scenario, you get dinner and nothing happens." Ralphie frowned. Arnold was going to make an excellent lawyer – his persuasion almost worked on the first try. Granted, Ralphie was usually pretty easy to persuade, but Arnold had to start somewhere.
"Food poisoning could happen." Ralphie suggested. "It's my birthday. Does it have to be today? After last year, I'm really tempted to take my final and stay home and watch LOST. Maybe Carlos and I will watch Arrested Development. Did you know Lucille Bluth is probably based on your mom? She really should collect royalties."
"I know." Arnold sighed. "Melissa is leaving tomorrow morning."
"The OT student?"
"Yeah. She's going back home."
"Back home where?" Ralphie asked suspiciously. Arnold knew there was a right answer to this and he didn't have it.
"New York." Arnold winced.
"Ugh, seriously?" Ralphie started thinking aloud. "A racist from New York. Sounds like a winner. And she likes baseball? Oh no. There's no good option there."
"She's going to school in Philly. She can't be that bad."
A few hours later, Ralphie had taken his final and it had gone too well for it to be his birthday. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop as he got ready for his date. Occupational Therapy was a good field, he figured, and he hadn't been on a date in a long time. Of course, the honor society contact bailed and Arnold ditched Ralphie to watch Arrested Development with Carlos and Keesha. And they wonder why I'm less gullible than I used to be, Ralphie thought. He found himself sitting across from Melissa, patiently listening to her drone on about her limited understanding of physical therapy.
"You're really not getting a doctorate-level education." She said. "The DPT is the latest in degree inflation in healthcare. I mean, I'm getting a BS in OT and am probably getting the same level of education as you. What exactly are you doing that enables people to call you a doctor anyway?"
"I don't need to be called a doctor." Ralphie had to finish this topic so they could talk about something else. He always seemed to end up dating women who were mean to him, so he could handle that for one evening. "I'm just interested in rehabilitation and movement after my own experiences with physical therapy in high school."
"Let me guess – you were going into professional sports?" She asked as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, sipping on her cocktail.
"That was the original plan." Ralphie ate a french fry and tried to ignore Melissa's reaction. "But it didn't work out, and here I am. So Arnold tells me you like baseball."
"He did?" Melissa laughed. "I don't hate it, but I don't really like any teams."
All things considered, that was probably the best thing she could've said.
"So what made you come to school in Philly?" Ralphie asked. He hadn't abandoned hope that this date was beyond salvation, even after she'd discounted his field. "Worst case scenario, you get dinner." Arnold had said.
"Scholarship money and my brother." She scoffed. "I really hate this town."
"Oh. Well." Ralphie reached in his wallet. "Here's forty bucks; that should cover everything. It was nice to meet you." He got up. Life was too short to spend time with people that would discount the things he loved most. He would have walked off without paying, but his mother raised him better than that, and besides, that would really screw up Arnold's plans.
"What are you doing?"
"I think we're done here." Ralphie smiled politely. He called Arnold once he was outside the restaurant. "That was terrible. We need to stick to the plan. Are you still watching Arrested Development?"
December 23, 2006
Penn Station
New York, NY
Tim had finished his first semester of graduate school, and everything had gone without a hitch. He found he enjoyed being alone to reflect on things. He'd started drawing again in his spare time, and taking time away from his studies actually enhanced his understanding. His grades were great. He enjoyed his classmates. He'd expected to feel somewhat severed from his friends, but he felt liberated being on his own.
He had arrived a few minutes before the train left looking like he belonged in New York: a stylish yet manly scarf and beanie, earbuds to drown out the noise of the station, a fancy leather messenger bag with his stuff in it, and a disaffected stare in the general direction of where the train was going to be. He was used to being independent now – being alone here was the best thing that happened to him. He was about to return victoriously to Walkerville for Christmas when someone yanked his right earbud out.
"What the hell?" He asked.
"Tim! I knew it was you!" Janet cried. "What are you doing here?"
"Going home." Tim said plainly, then figured he ought to add to the conversation for politeness' sake. "I'm going to grad school at Fitzgerald."
"I go there too!" She exclaimed. Of course, it figured that in a city of eight million people, that he'd run into the one other person he knew at the train station. She looked a lot happier since the last time he saw her, but the last time he saw her was when Carlos was dumping her while playing Guitar Hero last year. She looked good though – wearing a fitted wool coat and jeans with heeled boots. Her glasses had thick rectangular frames. Her wavy hair spilled out from under a knitted hat and fanned out around her shoulders. She was as gorgeous as she'd been evil. "I just finished my first semester of law school."
"Please tell me you're not still psychotic." Tim was never one to mince words.
"Nice to see you too." She hugged him, and he reluctantly returned the hug.
"You didn't address my concern." Tim said into her hair and tried not to think of how beautiful she was. "You were wantonly hitting on everyone you came in contact with when you dated Carlos."
"Yeah…" Janet pulled away and looked around. "It was a confusing time. Mind if we sit together on the train? It's a long ride to Philly, and I already finished my book."
"Fine." Tim sighed. "But if you pull any psycho shit, I will make you change cars."
"Deal."
January 1, 2007
Tim's house
Walkerville, PA
"Someday we're going to get too old to have parties here." Ralphie mused. No one had hooked up this time, and they hadn't drunk enough to sing karaoke, so the guys were playing video games while the girls sat around talking. Arnold and DA had graciously not made out too much at midnight, much to everyone's relief. They'd sat next to each other and been generally inseparable, but DA had moved over to the rest of the girls after midnight.
"Not today." Arnold said.
"When do you go back?" DA asked Phoebe.
"In a week." Phoebe said. "I'm not going back as early, now that I'm not a student leader, and I want to spend as much time out here as I can."
"Aww… be glad your parents aren't legally insane." Wanda handed Phoebe a beer.
"I am." Phoebe drank. "How could you do this – be so far away?"
"Alcohol helped." Wanda shrugged.
"I'm focusing hard on classes." DA suggested.
"Me too, but it still sucks." Phoebe moped.
"Call me anytime." DA offered. "Really – anytime."
"What if you're in the lab and things will catch on fire if you answer?"
"Then I won't answer." DA replied. "I'm not going to burn the lab down. But I will get back to you."
"You're just sucking up because I told her not to call me." Wanda argued. "I was her friend first."
"Stop fighting over Phoebe." Keesha interrupted. "Because I will win every time."
"Thanks, guys." Phoebe said.
"Ladies." Keesha insisted.
"Thanks, ladies." Phoebe corrected.
"The girls are all in that corner of the room, and we're over here playing video games. This is exactly like high school." Tim pointed out. "You'd think something would change in the last five years, but nothing has."
"Um. A lot has." Ralphie pointed out. "We're adults now. We have more exes. We can drink legally. And Carlos says you guys smoked pot." Tim was about to berate Ralphie for being so damn literal when he got to the last point.
"You told them?" Tim cried.
"We're roommates! Roommates are like bros." Carlos explained. "I can't keep secrets from bros!"
"I wasn't judging you or anything." Ralphie shrugged. "You didn't have to get all up in arms about it."
"I should've known you can't keep anything to yourself." Tim said to Carlos. All of a sudden, he wished he was back in New York. That's where he belonged now.
January 8, 2007
Conwell University
Philadelphia, PA
Dropping Phoebe at the airport wasn't as much fun as picking her up. She'd continued her tradition of screaming and running at her friends, even as they were picking her up, but there was no one in Oregon to do the same to her. Keesha was conflicted – she had to try to remain upbeat for her student leaders, but she missed her best friend. Wanda was more like a little sister she had to corral, and DA was too far away. Keesha had to hang out with the guys more often, which was actually a lot of fun. It wasn't less drama, as men tended to claim – there was plenty of drama with the three guys, between Arnold's adventures trying to climb his way to prestige in law school, Ralphie's failed attempts at dating, and, well, Carlos. On this particular day, Carlos was sprawled out on her couch, complaining about Tim, while Keesha was on the floor, working on a bulletin board.
"I can keep secrets. I don't see what the big deal is."
"I don't know." Keesha looked up. "It doesn't seem like that big of a deal."
"And Ralphie keeps bitching about dating, but he also keeps dating bitches."
"Clever turn of phrase." Keesha said flatly. "Dating does suck, though."
"Didn't you get dumped last year?"
"Technically, all of you got dumped." Keesha explained. "I just – okay, yes. I got dumped."
"Yeah, I've been focusing on school." Carlos lied.
"Ha. I know you've had hookups." Keesha said.
"Who hasn't?" Carlos wondered.
"Phoebe."
"That's a given. I don't think she's capable. She thinks everyone who gets together is going to live happily ever after." Carlos continued. "I mean, come on, live a little."
Keesha felt like Carlos was staring at her uncomfortably. Or maybe his staring at her was making her realize things that made her uncomfortable. It had been a while since she'd been with a guy, and she was suddenly painfully aware of it. She sat up and leaned her back on the couch. "Are you hitting on me?"
Carlos hadn't decided if he was or not. "I don't know. Do you want me to?"
Live a little. Carlos's words echoed in Keesha's mind. "I don't know." Carlos sat next to her on the floor. She took a deep breath. "I don't want a relationship."
"Me either." Carlos smiled.
This could be the best of both worlds, Keesha figured. They'd end up friends no matter what happened. This way she wouldn't feel lonely, but she wouldn't have to deal with the drama of having a relationship. "What the hell." She grabbed his head and kissed him hard. It felt better than she could have hoped.
January 30, 2007
Corvallis State University
Corvallis, OR
"Happy birthday!" Phoebe said brightly. She had grown closer to Wanda and DA that year as they shared the misery of being alone. She'd also made a point to stay in close contact with Keesha so she knew what was really going on with the guys. She called Arnold to hear about how happy he was in law school, talked baseball with Ralphie, and steeled herself to hear what the latest in disgusting things Carlos was learning about. Teeth were gross to her for some reason, but she often countered Carlos's knowledge by going into detail about parasites. She felt awkward calling Tim, but she did anyway. He rarely returned her calls or texts. "What's new?"
"Um… nothing." Keesha and Carlos were keeping their friends-with-benefits status on the down low.
"You're lying." Phoebe pointed out. She was trying to learn not to be a doormat. She didn't have Keesha or Wanda to stick up for her out here, so she had to do it herself. Being more firm with Keesha was a safe place to start. "Are you seeing someone?"
Keesha considered her options. She could forgo telling Phoebe, but it was a matter of time before Phoebe found out anyway. She could just spill her guts and bear the inevitable judgment now. It was better than risking Phoebe getting hurt by keeping secrets. "If you tell anyone, I will kill you." Keesha said.
"Is it Carlos?" Phoebe wondered.
This was the flaw in Keesha's plan: anytime something happened, Phoebe would immediately suspect Carlos. It had happened with everything from who'd left a flaming bag of poop on Arnold's doorstep to, oddly enough, who'd won Homecoming Queen. "We're not dating." Keesha insisted. "We're friends with benefits."
"And I take it no one knows."
"Only you, and only because you're 3,000 miles away from everyone else." Keesha regretted reinforcing the distance, but it had been a factor in her willingness to tell Phoebe. "And you're my best friend."
"Of course." Phoebe said. She had to think this new development through, but first she needed information, so she had to approach the subject from a different angle. "Are you going to do anything with the guys for your birthday?"
"I guess." Keesha shrugged. "I went out to Walkerville yesterday to hang out with my grandma."
"How's she doing?"
"She's really healthy for being in her eighties." Keesha said. "She's slowing down a bit, starting to forget things – it's frustrating her." She really didn't want to think about her grandmother's gradual decline.
"So. Carlos." Phoebe continued thinking aloud.
"We are not getting married." Keesha insisted. "So stop thinking about it."
"I can't date anyone out here because of the theory. I have to live vicariously through all of you." Phoebe explained.
"Bullshit. Phoebe, if there's some vegan guy out there with hemp clothes and dreadlocks or whatever the hell they do in Oregon, date him. Live a little." Keesha figured she had to pay Carlos's advice forward.
Phoebe's train of thought wasn't derailed. "Arnold and DA are boringly perfect. Their long-distance relationship is actually working, which is weird."
"That's probably the meanest thing you've said. I know what you mean, though." Keesha corrected.
"Is it weird if it's hard for me to see Arnold with anyone?" Phoebe wondered.
"Not really." Keesha said. "You two dated for three years."
"Almost."
"Close enough."
"Do you think they'll get married?" Phoebe asked. "I'm sure his parents like her."
"I'm not going to follow them around asking them probing questions about their relationship."
"I'll get Wanda to do it."
"You know no one will tell Wanda anything." Keesha laughed. "She's promising to air our dirty laundry when she gets on TV."
"She won't." Phoebe assured Keesha. "Because then we'll never tell her anything again. She'd shrivel up without drama."
March 30, 2007
Carnegie State University
Pittsburgh, PA
DA shouldn't have been surprised that Arnold had made it into the honor society of his choice without her in-person help. Ralphie and Carlos were an interesting team, but they'd given solid advice. It was like watching the underdogs win in one of those stupid sports movies Ralphie liked watching. Sure, DA had provided a lot of support, but she'd wished she was there to see the fruits of their schemes.
Instead, she was in the lab. Now that she was almost done, she was seeing that a long career alone in the lab would have driven her insane. Her political acumen would go far in the world of academia, but faculty positions were difficult to come by. The library world was about to see an exodus of retiring librarians, and she could work her way up once she finished her second master's. She was more excited about her acceptance into Conwell University than finishing up her thesis project. Of course, she still finished her thesis and it was a staggeringly good work. Her classmates were derisive when they heard about her plans. It was eye-opening how cruel her classmates, who had just been her friends and colleagues, were. It made her re-evaluate how she treated others. She realized that she'd been pretty arrogant and decided to be kinder. It was difficult for her to turn the other cheek, but she could hang on for a month or two. Then she'd be among colleagues and friends again. It was amazing how lonely she got.
Phoebe returned her call as she was trying to be finished moping. "Perfect timing." DA said brightly. "I was just feeling sorry for myself."
Phoebe paused. "Is it bad if I usually feel sorry for myself?"
"No, I mean I was just wallowing in it. It's been almost a year since the guys were here, and I still miss them."
"I think I miss everyone more than ever." Phoebe sighed. "My roommates keep asking how I stayed friends with seven people from elementary school. They know it's weird. They have boyfriends, and they don't understand why I can't date."
"You could date." DA knew it would be of no use.
"What's the point?"
"Having fun."
"But... okay, don't take this the wrong way."
"You're hung up on Arnold." DA interrupted. "I know. It's okay, isn't it?"
"No. I'm supposed to be over it. Why aren't I hung up on Tim?" Phoebe thought a moment, then continued. "Because it just kind of happened, and Tim thinks he's better than all of us now. I spent years building castles in the sky with Arnold, and they're gone. There's just something different about it. I'm not going to do anything crazy, though. Don't worry about me. How about you?"
"Do you feel better?"
"Yes." Phoebe sniffled.
"I'm ready to be done with this degree. I'm ready to move home. It's frustrating because I know what I want to do, and I know what I need to do to get there, but I can't until I get this done." DA said.
"It'll happen soon enough. I'll see you in a month and a half!" Phoebe's voice brightened a little.
"My thesis is all done. It's really going to happen." DA smiled. Normally she would have talked about Arnold, but she wanted to be respectful of Phoebe's need to process through things. "Have you talked to Wanda lately about her show?"
"She told me she might get to be on TV!" Phoebe was thrilled.
"She'll talk your ear off when you're here. She misses you." DA was the best at reading Wanda's subtext. "And Keesha's beside herself without you."
"I know. She does have a lot to keep her busy."
"Right." DA could tell Phoebe was alluding to something.
"Everyone misses you, too." Phoebe said. "Ralphie says Carlos is getting out of hand, and no one can keep him balanced like you can."
DA laughed. "That's true. Not even the Dynamic Duo can keep him reined in."
"Have you heard from Tim?"
"Nope, not really. Everything is great, school is wonderful, the usual." DA shrugged.
"It's always good to talk to you, even if we just end up talking about everyone else." Phoebe said as their conversation was drawing to a close.
"We've got interesting perspectives. I don't think they realize how much we talk to each of them and each other. We're able to figure out things that they don't suspect we'd know."
April 10, 2007
Walker Studios
Walkerville, PA
Gerri had let Wanda report on a single segment of In Your Face. Sure, it was about the sewers in Walkerville, and yes, it was only two minutes long, but Wanda was finally on TV. The next day, she went into the office and braced herself for the fan mail. She was only a little surprised when the receptionist at the studio called her at her desk.
"Wanda, you have someone here to see you."
"Don't tell me." Wanda hung up before the receptionist could say any more. She glanced at herself in the mirror she hung in her cubicle quickly. She'd dressed extra hot today. This was all going to pay off. She walked up to the front, wondering if she should smile or look intimidating. It all depended on who came to see her. When she saw him, she tilted her head and smiled. "Harry!"
"Sorry to drop in without calling," Harry Arm said. "I haven't seen you for a while, and then you were on TV, so I thought I'd stop by."
Wanda hugged him. "It's great to see you! Did you like the story?"
"It was – educational." Harry said. "Hey, want to grab some lunch?"
Wanda didn't want to let Harry see that her entire life was controlled by Gerri Poveri. She figured it was better to tell her boss that she was leaving and deal with having to ask permission to go to the bathroom for a week than be turned down in front of a hot guy she'd hooked up with once. "Let me grab my purse. I'll be back in an hour or so." She told the receptionist.
A bit later, at a local restaurant…
"I thought you were going to be a teacher." Wanda said.
"I'm between jobs right now." Harry admitted. "The principal in my last school had it out for me."
"That sucks." Wanda could sympathize, but she knew better than to jeopardize her employment. "So you're living around here?"
"With my parents." Harry winced. "I'm sure I'll be able to find something. I've been substitute teaching, so I'm not a total deadbeat."
"Hard times happen to everyone." Wanda said. She was able to be understanding and nice when she needed to. She blamed it on Phoebe. Unlike Phoebe, she was able to turn the niceness off to get ahead. That was all Wanda.
"Really? You seem to be living the dream. You're less than a year out of school and already on TV! Do you love it?"
"Yes." Wanda said. She did love being on TV. "You know I went to school out of state. It was so hard being away from all my friends." She put her hand on his and he smiled. "So I know a bit about hard times."
"Are you going to be on more often?" Harry wondered.
"Sure!" Wanda said, even though she knew that Gerri didn't want her to be. Someday, Gerri. Someday I'll have your show. "Hey, we should hang out more. I really like spending time with you." Wanda also really liked saying things like this that made her sound like a real adult.
"That would be great." Harry smiled.
"You don't, by any chance, surf, do you?" Wanda could feel something to throw in DA's face percolating.
May 20, 2007
Carnegie State University
Pittsburgh, PA
After much travail, the gang had descended on Pittsburgh again. All the long hours in the lab and the snide ridicule of her classmates was going to be behind DA because, at last, she was graduating. DA couldn't stop beaming. Her classmates might have made fun of her for leaving "real" science, but she had a job in Walkerville as a subject specialist at the Walker State University library. They couldn't call her a librarian until she got her master's – but she could do that online through Conwell University. She figured she'd take some classes in person, but she didn't need to. At last, she'd be moving home with her boyfriend and her friends. Having everyone back together was divine. Her parents were trying to prepare her sisters for the long, boring ceremony, and DA was out on the quad with her friends.
"Are you dating Harry again?" Arnold asked Wanda.
"We never dated; we hooked up several times. There's a huge difference. He lives with his parents. I don't need that dragging me down." Wanda monologued.
"Is that Kim?" Arnold asked Ralphie as he pointed across the quad.
"I don't care." Ralphie said as he squinted at the crowd. "Oh God, it is her." Arnold grabbed Ralphie's arm so he couldn't run away.
"What was she even studying?" Tim asked.
"Being psychotic." Keesha replied.
"Sociology?" Ralphie tried to remember.
"That was me." Arnold said. "Thanks for mixing me up with Kim. That feels good."
"No, I think she was studying it for a while. Maybe she was studying communication." Ralphie was actually pretty pleased that he'd forgotten.
"It was classics." Phoebe remembered.
"How do you remember this stuff?" Carlos asked.
"I just do." Phoebe said.
"Classics?" Ralphie asked. "What the hell are you supposed to do with that?"
"Marry a rich idiot who will let you stay at home and eat bonbons." Wanda explained. "You were already an idiot, so she just needed you to be rich."
"I think we all caught that you were calling him an idiot." Keesha said. Ralphie was still lost in thought.
"I dated a classics major?" Ralphie repeated, perplexed.
"For a year." Arnold said.
"An entire tortuous year." DA added.
"What was I thinking?" Ralphie's confusion wouldn't lift.
"You weren't." Keesha answered.
"Enough about Kim." Tim decided.
"Speaking of people dating psychotic women…" Keesha said. "Really, Tim? Really?"
"We're not dating. And besides, Janet isn't so bad." Tim snapped.
"Wait, you're dating Janet?" Carlos asked. "Do you not see how awful of an idea that is? Were you not paying attention when she was hitting on you when we were together?"
"That kind of sounds like you and Tim were together…" Wanda said quietly. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
"Look, Carlos." Tim said firmly. "I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions."
"This sounds familiar." Arnold said.
"I said that about Kim." Ralphie explained.
"That's what I was saying." Arnold retorted. "I was being subtle." DA nodded in approval.
"Janet and I aren't dating." Tim insisted. They had hung out a few times, and she hadn't acted like a sex-crazed she demon. She was obviously into Tim, though, and he liked the attention.
"Another thing Ralphie said about Kim." Arnold pointed out.
"Run, Tim." Ralphie urged. "There are too many parallels."
"Stop being paranoid." Tim scoffed. "Have you been reading those books? Is Tyrion in the walls?"
"The Tyrells are plotting your demise." Ralphie added. Tim wasn't amused, but Phoebe laughed.
a few hours later, after the graduation…
"Are you still inspired, Phoebe?" Tim asked.
"Yes!" Phoebe said defensively. "Commencements are inspiring. Plus DA got a nifty hood."
"Isn't it fantastic?" DA twirled around.
"Just being here makes me tired again." Keesha said.
"Seriously." Carlos echoed.
"Why couldn't you just be done with school?" Tim asked. "Do you need more ceremonial hoods?"
"Don't knock it until you've got one. You'll understand." DA promised.
"I'm pretty sure we don't place as much emphasis on regalia as you do." Ralphie said. He'd seen doctorate-level regalia and wasn't looking forward to looking like a quasi-Tudor king.
Tim couldn't wait to get back to New York. His friends seemed as immature as they'd ever been. Maybe next summer he'd stay in the city.
author's note: title is from an SNL skit with Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd
references and things I don't own:
Gerri Poveri and In Your Face appear in Ups and Downs. Gerri was especially impressed by Tim's camerawork.
"If I look back I am lost" is from A Game of Thrones. Lord Commander Jon Snow is from A Song of Ice and Fire. Still. So are references to Tyrion being in the walls and the Tyrells plotting Tim's demise (A Feast for Crows).
iThe Three Amigos! is a movie with Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short.
"Everyone's an ass in New York City" is a corruption of the lyrics to "New York City," by They Might Be Giants
"Not that there's anything wrong with that" is from Seinfeld.
"Sex-crazed she demon," in addition to being a fantastic description for Janet, is from Parks & Recreation.
Will Wanda stage a violent coup of In Your Face? Is Janet still psychotic? Does Harry surf or not? What do you do with a classics major? Will Tim decide he loves academic regalia?
Up next, more graduate school. Did you miss baseball? Me too, so there's baseball in the next chapter.