Felicity stared dully down at her mug of coffee and watched the patterns of the milk swirl around, reflecting on how numb she felt, yet her heart pounded all the same. She inhaled deeply to try and bring herself to the present, feeling exasperation at how often she found herself in this state. Why am I so worked up these days?

The tension in the air was palpable as she sat in the parlor of the Coles' home. It had been nearly a week since Felicity had spoken to Joseph, when he had revealed that he and Elizabeth were involved in some way. Joseph hadn't said that it was an official courtship, but Felicity knew full well by now that such official labels often meant little in the face of emotions.

The week in between learning this secret, and sitting in the Coles' parlor had not been great for Felicity. Her mind dwelled heavily on the thought that her best friend and her former beau were not only now together, but also had been for some time in secret. According to Joseph, Elizabeth felt incredible guilt, as though she had betrayed Felicity in some way. But, it wasn't a true betrayal, was it? I had cast off Joseph completely. She had tried to press the thought that she should be just fine with this, since she had no ill will towards the man, but a strange, dull ache had permeated her chest, and would not let up.

Then, there was Joseph's other message to her, the one in which he claimed that she had been such a struggle to be with. He expressed that he hadn't seen it until now, not until he had sweet, mild-mannered Elizabeth to compare her to. It was odd, really. If Joseph had screamed these statements at her in fury she would have laughed and let them roll off of her like drops of water on a bird's feathers, yet, the fact that he had said these things calmly, as if he was conversing with her, this is what caused them to pierce her in such a way.

"Lissie? Are you quite alright?" Elizabeth interrupted her thoughts. Felicity looked up and forced a pleasant smile. "Quite, yes." She replied, and Elizabeth smiled back in a similar, forced way.

Another awkward pause followed, and Felicity wondered if Elizabeth was planning on coming clean. She knew her friend had always been rather non-confrontational, so she was surprised when after a week of silence, Elizabeth had invited her over for coffee. She figured that this had to be it, that Elizabeth would confess that she had been seeing Joseph in secret. Or…perhaps not. Perhaps it was all a ruse by Joseph to rattle her.

But why would he presume it would rattle me? We are not together, and I do not miss him.

Elizabeth cleared her throat, forcing Felicity back into the external world. "Have you heard from Ben recently? How is he doing?" She asked pleasantly.

"Oh yes." Felicity said, "I received a letter from him a week ago. He is doing fine, and misses me terribly." She kept her words completely generic, not wanting to share her growing frustration with their extended separation.

"Hm, well, that is lovely to hear." Elizabeth said, still smiling mildly.

Felicity wanted to scream, but had to settle for a deep exhale through her nose. Out with it, girl! Just say it! She put the cup up to her lips as if to prevent her from speaking out. Elizabeth sat in silence across from her, which was incredibly uncharacteristic when the two of them were together.

Either I stand up and be on my way, or I force her to confess. It would be better manners to just excuse myself, but then I would just go back to wondering about the two of them. Something needs to be said.

I could just ask. It would be so easy. There is no need to be so dramatic. Just ask.

No. I want her to confess it without being prompted. She owes this to me, and to our friendship.

Felicity forced a sigh, tracing her finger around the rim of the cup. Elizabeth seemed to take the bait. "Lissie, what is wrong?" She asked, and Felicity saw apprehension in her eyes.

"In Ben's absence, I've just had a lot of time to think about him, me, Joseph, and everything else." Felicity made sure to heave another sigh.

"Oh?" Elizabeth asked, curiosity now in her eyes. "Would you care to elaborate?"

"I just…I just now realize how much time I wasted with Joseph. I remember when he first told me he was interested in me. He was so sweet, so attentive. He made sure I was the best girl; that there was no one better." Felicity pressed her lips together, making sure she did not sound too dramatic, lest Elizabeth would catch on to her true aim. She continued, "It is like your sister says; men are like shape shifters. They pretend to be something they are not, and when you are drawn in to them, fully committed, they turn on you. It is not all of the sudden, but little by little which is much more insidious. Soon, they are doing nothing but criticizing you!"

Elizabeth frowned slightly. "Not all men are like that, Lissie." She thought for a moment before a concerned look crossed over her face. "Do you think Ben will turn on you? Is that what you are getting at?"

"No, no," Felicity said quickly, then put on a smile. "Ben isn't like that. I've known him for years, and he has been nothing but a true friend and companion to me, even before we were involved." This was a bit of a lie; Felicity knew very well that she and Ben had a fair share of arguments through the years.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "So…your complaints are based off of the actions of only one man?"

Felicity knew that she was starting to sound petulant, but figured that Elizabeth would crack eventually. She would just have to keep at it. Either way, it did feel good to speak ill of Joseph after the way he spoke to her a week ago. She lifted her chin. "Perhaps if that one man acts badly enough, that is all it takes."

Elizabeth sighed. "Lissie, this is very tedious. You were with Joseph for what, a year? And it has been nearly a year since you called it off with him. Why now are you digging into him in such a way?"

Felicity shrugged and put on a wistful look. "I don't know the answer to that." She lied, "I suppose I've just been dwelling on it lately."

Elizabeth pressed her lips together. "If he behaved so poorly to you, I doubt you would have stayed with him for a year."

"This is exactly the point I'm trying to make!" Felicity exclaimed, balling her fists. "His behavior is so insidious; it starts off slowly, and I didn't realize it. A sheep in wolf's clothing is a hundred times worse than a wolf who does not hide who he is! He is simply awful, awful…" She trailed off and was surprised to find herself blinking back real tears as she thought about how he had insulted and gotten the best of her without so much as raising his voice. Am I cracking up?

"Come now, Lissie." Elizabeth said gently. "Joseph is but a man. He is not perfect, but he is kind and good."

This admission wasn't quite what Felicity was looking for, but she could hold back no longer. She stared at Elizabeth for a good long moment, before speaking again. "You take his side because you are with him now." She kept her voice and expression completely flat.

Elizabeth's expression paled, and she opened her mouth, thought better of it, and closed it again. She looked away from Felicity and closed her eyes.

"Do you deny it? Are you not with him?" Felicity challenged, pleased to have the upper hand back.

Elizabeth looked up, a mix of guilt and panic on her face. "Lissie I…I don't know what to tell you." Her eyes welled with tears.

"You had to know that I knew." Felicity admonished her. "After all, why did you invite me over after a week of silence?"

Elizabeth took a deep breath as if she was mustering up her courage, then looked Felicity in the eye. "I invite you over quite often, as friends do."

Felicity scoffed. "Really now Elizabeth? So you decided to invite me over just so you could stare at me and make awkward attempts at small talk?"

Elizabeth looked down at her coffee and was silent for a moment before speaking again. "I admit it is true. I had every intention of telling you today. Joseph told me that you knew; I imagine he was getting a little frustrated at me wishing to keep it a secret." She finally looked up at Felicity, her blue eyes full of remorse.

So it is true. Felicity thought, the idea of it sitting in her chest like cannon shot. She thought about asking for how long, but knew in an instant that she would rather not know. A line Joseph gave to her some time ago rang through her head, and she instantly understood when he said when he had told her that he was washing his hands of both her and Ben. I could walk out of here, be done with both of them. She didn't stop there as a second, continuing thought crossed her mind. I could just go to Yorktown to be with Ben, and everything would be okay.

No. Ben told me not to come. At least, not yet. Her gut twisted unpleasantly at this thought.

"Lissie?" Elizabeth asked tentatively. "I am so sorry if I had hurt you. I understand if you are angry with me and do not wish to speak to me here on out."

Felicity brought her eyes up to meet Elizabeth's. I have to stay here, and deal with my problems. I have to show that I am a better person.

Elizabeth spoke again. "Lissie, I hope that in time you forgive me. You are my dearest friend in this world, and I feel completely wretched for what has happened. I…" Felicity cut her off, "Elizabeth, stop. I'm okay. Really." She gave the other girl a small smile.

I've decided I will be okay with this. She hoped that this was a true statement.

"Lissie?" Elizabeth asked, a slight, confused frown on her face. "So you are not cross with me?"

"No, no I am not angry. You are right. We have been friends for too many years. I just…I just hope that you heed my warnings about him." Saying these words was making the feeling in Felicity's gut untwist itself, and a lightness settled over her. Elizabeth deserves to be happy, and what kind of friend would I be if I kept it from her?

"Right." Elizabeth nodded, her face showing surprise, but happiness.

Then again, he told me how much better you are than I, so perhaps he might be good to you. Felicity's gut twisted again at this thought, making her feel a little ill. "I think…I think I might need to be on my way." She stood up.

"Lissie?" Elizabeth also stood up, and for a fleeting moment Felicity felt the urge to forbid her from calling her by her nickname. "Are you sure that you are not angry with me?" She asked, her eyes searching Felicity's face for any uncertainty.

Felicity took a deep breath. "I wish you would have told me earlier, but I have no other reason to be angry. Joseph and I have not been together for a great long while, and I do not regret calling it off with him." She looked directly at Elizabeth, and hoped her eyes did not betray any involuntary feelings of anger.

I have decided to be alright with this.

"Lissie, thank you. You are a true friend to me. I don't deserve you!" Elizabeth shook her head and looked at her feet, then looked back up at Felicity.

I should smile, because I have decided to be alright with this.

Felicity forced a smile, then gestured towards the door awkwardly. "It is I that does not deserve you." She said mildly. "Thank you so much for the invitation and the coffee." She let Elizabeth follow her to the door.

"Yes, of course!" Elizabeth grinned, a flush covering her lovely cheeks. Felicity noted that she had not seen her friend look so giddy as far back she could remember. It must be a huge weight off of her shoulders to not keep such a secret, thought Felicity, as she walked away from the Coles' property and towards her own home.

As she walked through the streets, she noticed that the fall foliage was starting to come in as the golden colors of the leaves shown visibly near the crowns of the trees. The first signs of Autumn had always set a thrill down her spine as it was her favorite time of year. She waited for that familiar sensation to occur, yet, there was nothing. She sighed, not particularly surprised. Her separation from Ben seemed to have removed much of the lightness from her life, and now with the news that Elizabeth and Joseph were together had seemed to put a dark shadow over everything, and hearing the truth of it from Elizabeth had not made anything better. There was a part of her that wanted to know all of the details, such as do Elizabeth's mother and father know? Does Annabelle know? Do the other ladies in our social circle know? Did everyone know except for me? She realized then that it didn't matter, she was better off not knowing the details. It seemed almost as if they were siphoning happiness from her just by existing.

A cool breeze blew through the streets as Felicity noticed a few dark clouds rolling in. It fits my mood, she thought, feeling a similar dark cloud in her mind. On the right side of the street, two middle-aged men roared with grating laughter. On her left side, three children ran shrieking down the street, making her flinch at their shrill voices. She continued walking, forcing herself to pay no mind to the noisy streets.

Stop this, right now!

Elizabeth is happy, so I should be happy for her.

Joseph is happy, but this is completely irreverent.

I am not happy.

Ben is not happy.

None of this is any good.

Her mind drifted back to the letter she had written Ben the previous week, just after Joseph had told her that he and Elizabeth were together. She had thought it best to not mention what she had just learned, and instead focused on how much she missed him. She knew that he had enough emotional problems with his dead-end job; he didn't need hers. She figured that the shock of the news would pass in time, because after all, she no longer had feelings for Joseph. So there was no need to mention it. And yet, a week later, her ill will and anger stayed with her.

Felicity yelped in surprise as she stepped into a small divot in the road, pain lancing up to her knee as her ankle twisted. She looked around herself and saw that no one had paid her any mind, then cursed under her breath as she tested her weight on it. It held just fine, so she limped over to a nearby bench and sat down to wait for her ankle to calm down before she continued home. The throbbing pain thankfully seemed to shock her mind away from Joseph and Elizabeth, and back to herself. And, oddly enough, the sharp pain of it almost felt good. She leaned over and massaged her ankle, waiting for the pain to subside a little before continuing home.

As she sat, an unexpected voice went through her head.

"On your feet, Soldier." She heard Ben's voice loud and clear, sending a pleasant warmth to her chest. His voice took her back to nearly two years ago, not long after Ben had returned to Williamsburg to resume his apprenticeship. She had been working alongside Ben at the store, the two of them at some kind of awkward impasse since his arrival, not yet knowing how to resume the easy friendship they had shared years prior. On that particular day, Felicity had gotten into a rather unpleasant conversation with Mrs. Wentworth over her presence at the store, in which the older woman had cheerily talked about how her days left working at the store were limited, as she would soon be wed to her physician beau and would live the life of a respectable housewife.

A depression set over Felicity as she realized that Mrs. Wentworth was right. It would only be a matter of time before she would no longer be able to work at her father's store as a woman of marriageable age. She pressed her back to the wall behind the counter, letting her knees relax so that she slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor. There, she hugged her knees into her chest as she thought about, really thought about impending adulthood at what it meant for her.

Footsteps approached, and Felicity looked up from her position on the floor to see Ben. He looked down at her, a quizzical expression on his normally stoic face. Since he had returned, he had been rather quiet and withdrawn, not at all unlike how he had been when he had first arrived to stay with the Merrimans in the fall of 1774. While it was true that she had rushed to visit him at his parents' home in Yorktown after he had returned from the war, the closeness they had shared had been fleeting and was all but forgotten as he returned to Williamsburg some months later. It had gone unspoken, but Felicity knew that Joseph had to be a major part in it.

As he looked at her, Felicity realized that she simply had no patience to sort out his quiet indifference at this moment, and turned away from him, putting her forehead to her knees as her thoughts went back to Mrs. Wentworth's words. A moment later, she heard his footsteps approach her, and sensed him kneeling down next to her.

"Hey," he finally spoke, putting a hand on her arm. "Lissie?" Her heart had lurched at his touch; which had been absent for so long. She turned her head to the side to face Ben, seeing his brows knitted in concern. He spoke again. "Lissie, are you feeling alright?'

Felicity shrugged, making her head bob. "Did you hear any of the conversation between Mrs. Wentworth and I?" she asked.

I admit I was eavesdropping." Ben didn't look the least bit ashamed. "Did her words bother you?"

"Clearly they did." Felicity sighed and put her forehead back down onto her forearms. "She meant well, but I….I don't really know. Impending adulthood, and all of that." The last statement was muffled as she pressed her face against her forearms, but she was certain Ben had understood her.

"You are overwhelmed." Ben said calmly. Felicity took a deep breath and hugged her knees to her chest, then looked up at Ben. He was kneeling in front of her, an expression of curiosity and concern in his face.

"Did you hear how happy she sounded?" Felicity asked bitterly. "I wonder if she realized that working in the store is one of my favorite things to do."

"She likely sees it as soon you will be joining the ranks of the Respectable Housewives Guild of Williamsburg. One of us! One of us!" Joked Ben. This was one of the first lighthearted statements he had uttered in the three weeks that he had been back in Williamsburg, yet Felicity didn't find it the least bit funny. She forced a thin smile, which Ben seemed to notice immediately. "Hey." He repeated, putting his hands on her shoulders. "The future is coming, but not as quickly as you have been suddenly led to think. You are in command of your own life, and no one can make you do anything you do not wish. Do you hear me, Felicity Merriman?" She gazed into this eyes, and the warmth emanating from them lessened the tightness in her chest.

"Aye." Felicity said, allowing a small smile. Ben grinned back at her. "Good." He said, standing up, then holding his hands out. She took his hands and allowed him to haul her back to her feet. "On your feet, Soldier, as my commanding officer would say."

Felicity let his words echo through her mind for a moment more, before closing them off. She missed Ben, really missed him. She wanted to take his hands, run her fingers through his chestnut colored hair, see his handsome smile. He never failed to lift her spirits, even as he had been trying to keep a distance from her back in those early days as he did not know how to reconcile her and Joseph being together. There had been many times in which she had revisited that particular memory, and had eventually realized that Ben had easily seen through her inadequate explanation of why exactly she had been so upset at Mrs. Wentworth's words. Ben knew her, and he understood her.

I need him back.

Another aspect of the memory suddenly popped into her mind, making her almost laugh bitterly. To not be able to work in her father's store had sounded unimaginable, yet, here she was, disallowed to work there for the better part of a year. And I can see how that is going for me. She thought bitterly.

Enough of this self pity. You need to stand up, and do something.

On your feet, Soldier!

She stood up, and eyed her father's store a block away. After she and Ben had been discovered, her father had told her that it was for her own good that she not work for the time being. "It will help you to clear your mind and reflect over your life." Her mother had said, in what seemed to be a cruel mockery masquerading as good advice. That was now almost a year ago. Surely, her punishment was not going to last forever. That, and there was the added bonus of the thought of earning a wage once again. Perhaps she could use it for transport to Yorktown so that she may see Ben…..

Before she knew it, she was back on her feet, walking towards the store. The pain in her ankle was still present, but her determination helped lessen it so that only a mild limp was necessary. A small bout of nervousness echoed through her body as she walked up the stairs, but she immediately quenched it, replacing it with the steely reserve she had summoned just a few minutes prior.

A quick survey showed that Nan was working at the counter, while William was off helping customers. Father was nowhere to be seen. Seeing that William was busy, she turned her attention towards Nan, who addressed her before she could say anything. "To what do I owe the pleasure, sister? What has Mother sent you to fetch?" she drawled.

Felicity's mouth twitched, for the dual reasons of being considered as Mother's errand mule, and seeing Nan clearly bored in the role that she had once proudly held. "Mother has not sent me. I came to ask a question of Father. Is he here?"

"Counting room." Nan replied, resting her chin in her palm.

Felicity headed into the back, then paused and rapped lightly on the doorframe. Edward Merriman looked up from his ledger, and gave Felicity a smile. "Lissie." He acknowledged her. "What can I do for you? Has Martha sent you?"

Felicity blew out a breath through her nose at the continued assumption that her main purpose was to run errands for mother. She then forced a stoic expression. "Actually, Father, I had a question for you."

"Oh?" Edward said, his eyebrows raising. "Ask away."

Felicity forced a bout of nervousness back. "I was wondering if I could come back and work in the store, like Nan and William." Her father frowned a little, and Felicity waited for what felt like an eternity before he responded.

"Felicity," he said slowly, "I have near enough help with Nan and William here. Did you speak with your mother about this?"

"No," admitted Felicity. "But I was thinking I could relieve Nan. She clearly does not enjoy working here. What do the customers think of her?" It had not been her intention to throw Nan under a proverbial carriage, but if she was standing in the way of working in the store again….

Edward looked at her, keeping his expression stoic. "Nan does very well with the customers, and I aim to keep her here so that she too may learn how to work in and possibly run a store, as I have taught you and continue to teach William."

"Father, please! I've been feeling quite low the last few weeks, and I think keeping myself busy in this way will help me a great deal." The desperation that Felicity felt bled into her words.

An apologetic expression crossed over her father's face. "Lissie," he said gently, "I can tell you have been struggling as of late." Struggling. There is that word again. I struggle, therefore I am. She thought, as her father continued speaking. "I wish that…I would rather you speak with your mother about this. She has been working to keep you occupied with various tasks for the time being."

A brief, unpleasant thought flashed through Felicity's mind. This is all mother's idea. So you will not stand up to her for me? Coward! Followed by an intense feeling of shame for thinking this about her own father. Tears began to burn her eyes, as she felt the humiliation of rejection. "So your answer is no?" She asked, holding out one last, final hope.

"Lissie." Her father looked at her sadly. "I'm afraid my hands are tied. Why don't you speak with your mother about this?"

Mother has no interest in relieving me of my punishment. Felicity thought, and gave a brusque nod. Without waiting for an answer, she turned and walked briskly out of the counting room, heading straight for the front door. "Lissie!", a voice called out, and she stopped and turned her head. Nan was standing in front of the counter, arms crossed at her chest and a glare on her face. "I overheard you trying to get me fired." She pointed a finger at Felicity. "Know that my position here is safe. Mother is so continuously displeased with you, that she will never allow you to work here. Not now, not ever," she spat, and narrowed her eyes at Felicity.

On another day, Felicity would have apologized, but on this day, she saw fit to give the younger girl a nasty look and put her hands on her hips. "Really now, it's only a matter of time before you find yourself in the same position as I." A flush rose in her face, matching her rising temper.

Nan snorted. "Do I look like the type of girl to carry on secret affairs right under Mother and Father's nose? No," she shook her head, "I know I wouldn't have been so stupid as to first of all, commit the crime, and secondly, get caught!"

"Shut your mouth, you arrogant little cow!" said Felicity incredulously, her voice rising. She looked around quickly to make sure there were no customers to overhear before continuing, "You know absolutely nothing!" Out of the corner of her eye she noticed William watching them, and vaguely wondered why father had not come out to separate them.

Nan's face darkened in return, and she tilted her head as if contemplating something. "Come to think of it, there is something that is completely confusing."

Felicity frowned, trying her best not to fall off of her guard. Remember, this is Nan with whom you are speaking to. "Gee, what would that be? What vexes you so?" She asked sarcastically.

"Why, the matter of Ben." Nan said simply, once again crossing her arms at her chest. "It has been what, a year? Why hasn't he come back for you? What on Earth could be keeping him?" Felicity's jaw dropped, and Nan continued. "Perhaps he has found someone else?" She nodded sagely. "Yes, that could be it. Be wary of this, sister. It comes with long separations."

Felicity's fist balled, and for one split second, she considered giving Nan a solid strike across her smug face, but was distracted by William stepping forward. Felicity rounded on him. "Did you have something clever to add? Well?" She snapped, and William blinked and stepped back, seemingly at a loss for words. She gave the both of them one last glare, then swept out of the store. Her ankle still throbbed slightly, but the pain seemed to compliment her mood in such a way that the overall sensation was almost pleasurable.

None of this is any good, was all she could think as she limped home, rejected, angry, and humiliated.

…

Ben smiled to himself as he sat down at his desk at home, and cracked open the seal of Felicity's most recent letter. He unfolded the paper, and began to read.

September 14th, 1782

Dearest Ben,

I must start off this letter by saying that I miss you terribly. I find that I nothing I do in my life here brings me joy, it is as if I live in a tiny, cramped, dark space where I cannot stretch my limbs, and I find myself shouting, but no one hears me, or gives a care to what I say.

He paused and re-read these words, surprised at the abrupt change in tone from her other recent letters, then continued.

Ben, I have had such awful dreams lately, in which you write to me and tell me that you have realized how much it is a struggle to be with me, how difficult I am, how right everyone has been about me, and so on, and so forth. You then tell me that you have moved on to a girl that is much nicer in comparison to me and nicely wish me luck.

Tell me, are these dreams true? Is it really such a struggle to be with me? I want to try and do better, Ben, I really do. Please believe me.

With my Love,

Felicity

Ben's heart sank as he re-read the full letter and tried to figure out exactly what triggered such a change in Felicity to have resulted in a letter such as this.

My dear, you think you are a struggle? That is exactly what I thought of myself!

He glanced over at the stack of empty parchment that did not belong to him, and considered penning a hasty letter back to Felicity, but decided against it. I cannot just be sending her more empty promises. I need to make concrete plans. He leaned over and unsecured the shoulder bag that rested against his chair, which contained a series of inventory lists and letters that needed translation from Swedish to English. Word had gotten out among the higher-ups of his company that Ben was fluent in the language, and he had be given this extra task as the seemingly never-ending stack of inventory lists suddenly looked as though it might actually end. Ben had wanted to get as much as he could done quickly, so he had taken it home with him in the evening.

As he got to work, his mind drifted back to Felicity and he had to once again resist the urge to write her a letter. He racked his thoughts, trying to figure out what could have happened. The letter had been reminiscent of the letters she had written just after his return to Yorktown, in which she had spoken of the despair she felt at his absence. But, with the help of her good friend Elizabeth and the brightening springtime, she had improved.

He, on the other hand, had started off as optimistic, with great plans for his own future that would certainly lead him back to Williamsburg to ask for her hand in no time. As he felt the pressures of rejection, boredom and later the grinding insecurity, Felicity's letters were full of hope and assurances that she still loved him and was waiting for him. Now, perhaps it was his turn to assure her, as things had been starting to improve with work, albeit slowly.

Still, he thought, what could have happened? He knew that a very important key to Felicity's contentment was due to her confiding in Elizabeth, was there a falling out between the two girls?

Or, could it be continuing issues with her mother?

Or, perhaps, Ben flinched at this thought, it had something to do with Joseph? Ben knew that Felicity had to eventually run in to her former beau, since they lived in the same town. He thought that Felicity would do her best to avoid him, as she often did near the end of their relationship. Had Joseph said or done anything?

It could be any one of these factors, or, hell, a combination of all of them.

Why didn't she tell me more?

Ben replaced his quill and rubbed his eyes, then propped himself up on his elbows. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Felicity's letter, and on impulse snatched it back up and began reading again.

As he read the letter, a sinking feeling took root in his chest. This is all my fault. I should have been there for her. I left her with a mess, all alone to defend herself.

I am completely useless. He set the letter down and put his head into his hands very briefly, before sitting straight up again as another, more resolute thought passed through his mind.

No. No more self-pity. From now on, you need to do more than acknowledge there is a problem, you actually need to fix it.

I'll have to make preparations to travel to Williamsburg. And then….and then what?

I'm still in no financial shape to ask for her hand, and I'm not about to invite myself to stay with Mr. and Mrs. Merriman just for a casual visit. He tapped his foot impatiently, thinking. I could stay with friends, except Will has since left for Norfolk, and Walter is presumably still with his family. So, that is out of the question.

Instead…could Lissie perhaps leave Williamsburg? Under what circumstances? My parents would love the idea of her visiting, but I highly doubt that Mr. and Mrs. Merriman would just let her come to visit when an engagement is not yet in the books.

He sighed, placing his head down onto his desk.

I need help.

As soon as this thought crossed his mind, an idea popped into his head, and he sat up again and pulled a sheet of parchment to write a letter to his sister.

September 30th, 1782

Dear Anna,

I hope everything is well with you, William, and the children. I write to you to ask for advice on a matter, or help if you can give it in any way. As you know, my absence from Felicity has stretched on much longer than we had ever thought, largely due to my own failures and shortcomings.

I received a letter today from her, and it seems like she is going through an awful spell. I feel incredible guilt over the fact that I had just left her alone in Williamsburg to deal with the mess that the two of us made, and am afraid that her sentiments might breed resentment and regret over being involved with me. I cannot bear this, so I feel I must act.

I have gone over in my mind all of the potential plans I could make so that I might see her again, and it seems like nothing is going to work out. As you probably could assume, her parents would not been so keen on me visiting, nor on Felicity coming to Yorktown. They are indeed fine people I assure you, but not at all like our own mother and father.

So now I wonder, would you have any ideas? I know it is a long shot and forgive me for being presumptive, but is there any reason for her to come and visit you in Philadelphia? I know you have mentioned it to her in the past, because she has told me!

I should add that running away with her is out of the question, and to the best of my knowledge, she shares this sentiment.

Please consider this, and do give my love to Ezra, Lacey, and little Sibby.

Sincerely,

Ben

Ben skimmed the letter, hoping that he explained the situation thoroughly enough. He knew that Felicity and Anna exchanged letters from time to time which suggested a good rapport, so he figured that his request had not been too presumptive. Another question was how Felicity would feel about traveling to Philadelphia. He knew in an instant that she would readily do so, but now the question was, how to make Mr. and Mrs. Merriman receptive to the idea? He hoped Anna would have some suggestions.

He pulled another sheet of parchment to write a letter to Felicity. It was still a little too early to bring up the idea of Philadelphia; he knew he needed to wait for Anna's reply before he spoke about it in detail. Still, he knew he needed to address her concerns. He dipped his quill into the ink, and began to write.

September 30th, 1782

To my Dear Autumn Maiden,

Autumn has begun to shine its way through Yorktown, beginning with the crowns of the trees and the cool winds that blow through, and it is this time of year that I especially think of you. It is days like these that I see you standing in front of me, with flowers in your hair.

This, of course, is the moment in which you correct me, telling me that they are only leaves, because flowers do not bloom in Autumn! Are you thinking it, Lissie? I know you are!

Lissie, from the depths of my heart, I will address your concerns.

It is true that our path has not been an easy one. Whether it be through our faults, our luck, or just bad circumstances, we have been separated for a good long while. I suppose this can be considered a struggle, as we have indeed struggled to maintain happiness in any way we can when we do not have each other to readily see, to hear, and to touch. So when you ask me if I struggle, I will have to answer truthfully, that the answer is yes, for these reasons, I struggle. But please know that it is all worth it, because you are worth it. I believe our struggles are ones of pure heart and mind. They are good, not something to be saddened, frightened, or ashamed by.

You may remember a letter I wrote to you, as I told you that falling in love was a terribly frightening notion? It is amazing how time shapes our perceptions. I still stand by what I said, but now I have a refined notion. I feel as though before I was with you, I was incomplete. I blissfully ignorant of this, until we were together. You opened up a whole new sense of myself, and now that I know this part of me exists I feel pain that I never knew I could have when you are not with me, and when we are together, I feel happiness that I never knew I was capable of feeling. Truth be told, I feel as if by unlocking this part of me I have been replaced by an entirely new man. And this, I would not give it up for anything. I would not give you up, not for anything.

In this life, what do we have if not love?

I love you,

Ben

Ben set aside the letter to dry alongside the letter he had written to his sister. All the while, he thought about Felicity and her downcast words, and hoped that this letter would bring her some happiness.

…

A/N:

1) I consider this to be sort of a Chapter 14, part 1. I originally planned one more scene, but it has been ages since an update and I figure it is high time I put something out.

2) There is an obvious Freaks reference here, along with a line derived from a letter written by Alexander Hamilton to his future wife

3) I also have a habit of referencing some of my own stories, which I tend to write to put some of my head canons into context. The Autumn Maiden has served as a prologue to this story, and I reference a few things from The Ceiling here as well.