AN: I know that so long as you've seen the series you'll know most of this already, but my Kurt muse insisted that I let him tell his story... Of course it does give us a bit more insight into his mind, but the muse felt this was really important so I let him go. I hope you all enjoy it. To all who have read, alerted, favorited and or reviewed - THANK YOU! I'm glad you are all enjoying this. I wish all the people who alerted would review a bit more just so I know what things you really like and even things you might want to see happen. I don't mind constructive criticism so long as it is politely worded. But more than anything I'm just glad that you guys are liking this story. So I'll get on with it now... ENJOY!
"I guess the mess started when I was 8 and my mother died. I was just so lost after that. I loved my mom so much. I mean I love my dad, don't get me wrong and it just being me and him really helped us get closer, but even my dad always says I'm more like mom. Dad tried, he really did but he was just as hurt and just as lost. Neither of us really knew how to deal with mom not being there anymore. I got a little quieter, a little more withdrawn. At first I guess it was just so I could try to cope with the fact that my mom was gone in a way that there was no coming back from." He pauses, sighing.
"My mom always encouraged me. Always supported my odd flights of fancy. My mom was I guess the first person to teach me to really dream. She never let me think that anything was impossible. If I wanted something enough and was willing to work hard for it, then I could have anything. But all the wanting and wishing in the world couldn't bring her back. It was hard not letting that make me lose faith but for a while, I know I did. When I got a little older, understood a little better, I resolved myself to still doing everything mom and I always dreamed I'd do... Because I wanted to make her proud of me... But all those things are kind of bittersweet... because she was supposed to be here with me. It hurts and I still feel cheated. I try to not be jealous of my friends who still have their moms but there are times when I just want so much to have mine back... To get to have what they have, even if it's just one more hug... one more bedtime story... Just one last time of hearing her voice... Just something." Kurt has to pause again, this time to get his emotions back under control. It's just so hard talking about his mother. Even though it's been 12 years since she's been gone there are still times when the wound still feels raw.
Sebastian doesn't say anything... he just watches the emotions play over Kurt's face. Though he does hand over a box of Kleenex when the other male starts looking teary eyed. He can kind of understand. Sure, Sebastian has both of his parents... And he and his mother might not always get along. But he loved his mother so very much and he can only imagine how much it would hurt if he lost her. He can't imagine how much it must have killed an 8 year old Kurt. To lose someone that important so young - it was no wonder Kurt felt like that was where the breaking process had started.
"Carol being around has helped some. I mean she's not my mother, but she never treats me like I'm any different. She treats me like I've always been her son. She's really good for my dad, they really love each other. My dad's a lot less faded now than he was when mom passed. I know mom wouldn't have wanted him to be alone for the rest of his life. Mom wasn't like that. She was so kind and gentle and warm and open.. I really think mom and Carol would have gotten along. And as much as that hurts, it's a good thing too because mom would approve of Carol... I think mom would be really glad that dad found her." Kurt's voice is a little shaky with the emotion and he pauses to drink from the bottled water and to compose himself again.
"Middle school was uneventful... I didn't really have a lot of friends but it didn't really matter. I wasn't blatantly called out or picked on. There were a few boys and girls that would talk to me and stuff. After school every day I would end up at dad's shop, just like after mom died. I'd been going there after school ever since. I would sit there, do any homework I had and then dad would start teaching me stuff. I've always been curious and maybe the getting dirty thing was a bit of a pain - but dad made sure I had my own set of coveralls and that helped. He'd always ask if my homework was done and so long as it was and I didn't need help on anything, he'd start teaching me how to fix cars. By the time I got to high school I had learned enough that I could take the test to be come a mechanic. I still keep up the skills. One of my dad's employees had to move to New York when his wife got an opportunity to go up at her work... So I go to the garage he works at now and keep myself up to date. Whenever I go back to Lima I go help out at dad's shop - mostly to keep busy but also because as odd as it is, I kind of miss working with my dad." Kurt admits.
"High school is where everything changed. I had fallen into a kind of limbo I guess. Things were neutral throughout the rest of elementary and middle school... I was in the closet - hard as that may be to believe. I know I'm kind of obvious - what with my voice and my obsession with fashion but I hadn't admitted to myself yet that I felt different, that I didn't feel pulled towards girls like the other boys my age seemed to be. I hadn't admitted to myself that I thought boys were more interesting. Dad says he knew I was going to be different when for my third birthday all I wanted was a pair of sensible heels. But he wanted to let me come to accept it about myself and come to him when I was ready. I think that was the only thing that kept me from shattering so completely that I couldn't ever be fixed - dad has always supported me and loved me no matter what..." He trails off again... dabbing at his eyes with a Kleenex.
"High school for me was hell. Slushies dumped on me... having to carry at least one change of clothes if not more because sometimes I got slushied more than once per day. Shoved into lockers sometimes so hard it would leave bruises and even cuts. The words, telling me I wasn't good enough, the hateful things people said hurting more than all the physical stuff. Being broken down almost daily. The teachers never seeming to see or care. No one stepping up to try to stop it. Joining glee helped in that it gave me people who supported me... That helped some... but the slushying didn't stop, the slurs and hate didn't stop. But then I had girls who would help me off to the bathroom, help me get the slushie out of my hair. Some of the other glee kids got slushied but I was the one who always got it worse..." Kurt pauses again. This was very hard but it had to be said.
"There were times when I wanted to quit... and almost did. So many times that I just wanted to stay curled up in a ball under my duvet and not go back to that hate filled place. I heard the slurs long before I came out and I still don't know how I found the strength to come out, knowing that the attacks would just get worse. I just couldn't lie to myself anymore. I had tried - so hard. I even tried dating a girl.. Brittany was sweet, and I have to admit she was a good kisser - but I never felt anything when she kissed me... That was my last ditch effort at denial. She still to this day tries to kiss me whenever she can. She knows I'm gay but that doesn't stop her..." Kurt can't help but giggle a little at that. There would always be a special place in his heart for Brittany.
"I transferred to Dalton for a little while when it got really bad. We were going to be going up against them and the glee guys were kind of annoyed with my ideas and they told me to go spy... so I did... I came down the staircase and there was a mild sort of pandemonium going on. I stopped a kid on the stairs - who turned out to be Blaine, and he told me the Warblers were performing and he took my hand and led me to the Commons where the Warblers were. I had no idea how much my life was going to change at the time. I watched Blaine and the Warblers do Teenage Dream... and I felt like he was singing to me... but I tried to pass it off... then afterwards, Blaine, Wes and David confronted me. It was pretty easy to tell I wasn't a new student. I was expecting to get beaten up for spying but they bought me coffee and talked with me." He pauses again.
"Blaine said he was gay and asked Wes and David to leave him speak with me. He told me a little glossed over version of the fact that he'd been bullied and that was what sent him to Dalton. He understood... he knew personally what it felt like to think that the teachers didn't care. He told me that it was mostly ignorance that caused bullying and I had a chance to change things. I just had to stand up for myself. Which was a really bad idea at the time but he meant well. He gave me his number and I gave him mine and he said that if I ever needed to talk he'd be more than happy to, because he knew how hard it was to be bullied and feel like you had no one to turn to." He smiled a little at that thought. He still marveled over the fact that before they'd really known each other, Blaine had still reached out to him.
"He kept texting me randomly one word - courage. I was at my locker and the worst of the bullies knocked my phone out of my hand... and I'd just decided that I finally had enough. I ran after him, followed him to the locker room which was really stupid but I just didn't care. I was so sick and tired of him putting me down or slamming me into lockers or messing with my stuff. I confronted him. I got right up in his face and he looked like he was gonna hit me. I told him to do it because he couldn't punch the gay out of me any more than I could punch the ignoramus out of him... and I thought that was it, I was going to get my ass kicked. What happened was the last thing in the world I was expecting. Instead of beating me to a pulp, he kissed me... Turns out bully number one was so far in the closet he was way past Narnia. He actually tried to kiss me again and I shoved him away...and then he just looked hurt and scared and confused and he ran off. The next day, Blaine came to help me talk to him... because I mean obviously he needed to talk to someone... instead of just randomly assaulting a guy with his lips. But he got in Blaine's face and was clearly not coming out of the closet any time soon. After that, the bullying intensified, but the worst of it was when he threatened to kill me if I told anyone what happened. When my father found out, that's when he sent me to Dalton. Coach Sue tried to expel David but the school board overturned it, so since I wouldn't be safe at McKinley, I left." He stopped again to drink some more water...
Sebastian had never known how bad it was for Kurt. He'd known vaguely about the kid getting slushied - which was why he'd chosen to bring one to that underground parking garage. Had he known just how bad it was however, he never would have done it - no matter how much he wanted to hurt Kurt back then. It wasn't that he'd wanted to blind anyone with the rock salt, it was that he'd known that the combination of that rock salt with the dyes in the slushie would have completely, irreparably ruined whatever designer outfit Kurt had been wearing at the time. He should have thought that through better, he realized that a long time ago, but he had apologized to both Blaine and Kurt for that. Still, he had never realized how serious the bullying had been... He was taken aback coming to the realization that Kurt really wasn't lying when he said high school was hell for him.
"Being at Dalton was like heaven after McKinley. But I hated the uniforms, and I missed my friends. I missed the craziness that was glee. The Warblers are so very different and I got frustrated when I was reduced to essentially swaying behind Blaine. I know it wasn't his fault... but at least at McKinley, I got to sing in the class itself even if I didn't get featured at any of our performances. It got to the point where I actually called him on it and that's when he conned the council into letting me and him do a duet at Regional's. Then Blaine and I ended up together... which was really more than I'd ever hoped for. I'd always imagined that I wouldn't even be able to meet another gay guy much less get a boyfriend until I was well away from Lima. Yeah, it eventually ended when Blaine and I figured out that we were better off as friends but I don't regret sharing my firsts with him. We were both just so happy to have another out gay guy, that we kind of fell in love with the idea of being in love and it took us a while to figure that out. I mean, if you took away the making out, we were just friends. But I will never regret that Blaine was my first relationship... I mean when I went back to McKinley, he got the Warblers to come with him to say goodbye and then he transferred for me... I mean it was a little for himself too because he'd always regretted running away but... it was still romantic. I still like the idea of romance but I better appreciate passion and those sorts of things now too." He blushes a little at the last words... completely unwilling to admit what inspired them - even if Sebastian might have an idea.
"The bullying wasn't as bad, but Santana had blackmailed Dave into helping her put a stop to it. She was trying to get voted Prom Queen. I came back in time to go to Nationals with the New Directions... and the bullying really did seem like it would be a thing of the past. However, just because no one was saying anything or slushying me anymore didn't mean that McKinley had changed. I found this out at prom when the hateful students voted me for Prom Queen. David was voted Prom King... So there we were, bully and victim. Dave had the chance to make a difference then - had he just come out or even just danced with me, he might have been able to make a difference, but he ran away instead. Thankfully, Blaine stepped up. Which had to be sooo hard for him. The last dance he was at was the one where he and his date got beat up for being Gay. But he offered his hand and asked me to dance and he stayed there in the spotlight regardless of the fear. I will always be thankful for that. That night could have turned out a lot differently had he walked away too. I wouldn't have blamed him - I wanted to run away myself, but I didn't want to end up with the same regrets he had. But all of the hateful words, all of the hateful things and abuse took their toll... I never admitted it aloud to anyone... but I was already broken. I just didn't know how to let anyone see it. I hid it inside myself so deep I think I even hid it from myself. I put up the wall of ice and the bitchy mask and just tried to keep moving forward." Kurt explains.
"I didn't want to worry my dad. He'd had the heart attack and god that was so scary. There I was feeling like I was going to lose my other parent -and being alone in my house sucked. I started pushing everyone away... because I was so afraid and so close to shattering that I didn't want anyone to see. But dad got better and things changed and I'm going a little out of order here but it's kind of hard to keep all this straight in my head. I broke down crying almost every night when I'd get home from the hospital. Because it was so empty and home felt so cold. I was on autopilot for a while, until dad woke up. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't. I probably would have taken over the garage and I might not be here in New York now... but thankfully I don't have to think about that." He sighs, running a hand through his hair. He finishes the bottle of water and sets it aside.
"Senior year, we won Nationals, but I didn't get into NYADA. I don't know why I didn't, I'll probably never know why. Carmen Tibideaux loved my audition but I guess I just didn't have enough extra curricular activities or something. It hurt when Rachel who choked on her audition got in and I didn't. I thought I was going to have to take classes at the community college or something because I'd stupidly only applied to NYADA. Well thankfully my father and boyfriend were a lot smarter than me. I guess Blaine had found my sketchbooks and he'd gone and talked with my dad about them. They'd taken the best designs and turned them into a portfolio and somehow forged my signature and everything for an application to Parsons... and I got in. That summer, Blaine and I realized that what we had was just a glorified friendship and we agreed to part on good terms, to stay best friends and be happy for each other whatever may come in the future. Rachel went to NYADA, Finn joined the army - I still don't approve of that, and the rest of my friends all went along their own ways. Dad and I came to New York and found my apartment and by the time I was to come to New York for school, we had it furnished and decorated and it felt like it could be my home." There was a small smile on Kurt's face now... as the story was changing and getting less sad.
"Moving was the hardest thing in the world though. I came here two weeks before classes started so I could learn my way around and get settled and I felt so isolated and alone. But Tina and Mike are at Juilliard, Rachel is at NYADA, Quinn is at Yale which isn't all that far away, and Brittany is at Pure Dance studios and that helped. But Gaga, I missed my dad. I called him a lot those first two weeks until school started. I was so glad when it did though because suddenly I was too busy to hurt with missing what was so familiar. Now, I'm finally comfortable here and it doesn't hurt as much. I still go home for holidays and I still call my dad almost daily. So I'm healing. Being here in New York and not being judged and not hearing slurs every day has helped a lot. I have some old friends close enough to talk to and I made some fabulous new friends and life gets a little better and a little easier every day... But a lot of stuff happened. Getting tormented on an almost daily basis for four years took a toll. That's where the hyper awareness comes from. Being bullied almost every day is where the walls came from. The armor is almost automatic and even two years of peace isn't enough to allow me to set it aside without conscious effort." Kurt explains, finally finishing the long sordid tale.
Sebastian just quietly takes it all in. Once the story is finished, he remains quiet but thoughtful as he lets the words sink in. If he'd thought Kurt was amazing before, that had only multiplied exponentially now. How had Kurt not completely shattered? Oh sure, he wasn't completely fine, but after hearing all that happened, he should be shattered into a million pieces and he wasn't. He was cracked, he'd picked the pieces up and tried to put them back together, some of the glue had held and some of it hadn't. But he was mostly okay. But it explained the hyper awareness, it explained his way of keeping people at arm's length at least until he got to know them better. "You are probably the strongest person I have ever met. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the whole story Kurt. I know it can't have been easy for you. So, thank you." Sebastian says softly... but sincerely.
Kurt just nods, smiling a little. "Thank you for listening... for... wanting to hear it."
"I really am sorry for how I treated you back in high school Kurt. Had I but known just how bad it was for you, I never would have behaved like that... Even I wasn't that much of an asshole back then... and that rock salt slushy? It had been intended to ruin whatever designer attire you'd worn... not to actually hurt anyone... I had a vague idea only that the glee club occasionally had slushies dumped on them... Had I known the actual seriousness of it, I never would have done it." Sebastian explains.
Kurt shrugs. "The past is the past, Sebastian. Blaine and I already forgave you for that incident. But I am glad to know that had you really known the truth behind it all even asshole you wouldn't have done what you did. So... I shared my truth... I think it's time you came clean with yours." Kurt says with a little giggle.