A/N: Hopefully, you'll all have a better Christmas than everyone in this story! As an x-mas present, we'd probably be very grateful if someone could tell us why it is we hate Choujuurou so much...
Twas the night before Christmas, and naturally the Seven Swordsmen were spending the night in complete isolation from one another. Or at least, so they planned. Sadly, in an organisation of serial killers and psychopaths, every Christmas begins with the loud and intrusive sound of someone being beaten to death with a chair. And thus, everyone once again found themselves in the lounge.
"Raiga... what have you done?" A bleary-eyed Zabuza asked in a rather monotonous voice, struggling to keep himself from collapsing and falling asleep on the floor.
"Isn't it obvious? I've gotten rid of the competition." Raiga replied, casually rubbing his hands as if he were getting rid of dust.
"Raiga! ...You've killed Santa, eh!" Mangetsu stood there staring wide-eyed at the dead old man who lay on the floor, unable to decide if he was shocked and horrified or just plain impressed.
"Exactly. I've heard about him... sneaking into children's rooms at night, once a year. I really can't stand these 'part-time pedofiles'" he said, as if he was mocking a twelve year old girl rather than good old Saint Nick.
"You seem to finally have accepted that you're a pedofile...?"
"Well, I've adjusted to you lot saying it the whole time... Anyway, I guess it's up to me to deliver these presents, let's have a look at this list..." He paused for a moment, looking as thoughtfully as possible at the piece of paper before his expression twisted into a frown and he whipped a pen out of his pocket, scribbling all over the sheet. "Well this just isn't right... this little boy has definitely been naughty... and this one... naughty, naughty, naughty, naught-"
"Raiga, what are you going to do with the naughty ones?" Kyouki asked, arching an eyebrow at Raiga, who merely responded with a horrible, twisted smile.
"Just... punish them. You know, teach them a lesson..."
"...Right, you are definitely not allowed to go alone." Kisame said through clenched teeth, if he didn't have the gift of self-control, he'd probably have grabbed Raiga by the throat and strangled him to death right there and then. "Someone needs to keep him under control... I nominate Mangetsu!"
"Why me, eh?" Mangetsu asked, his eyes practically full of tears at the prospect of having to travel the world with Raiga.
"Because I hate you. I thought I'd made that pretty clear by now." Kisame rolled his eyes disapprovingly before folding his arms and leaning back against the wall.
"Well, if I have to go I'm taking Kyouki with me, eh!" he pointed his finger directly at Kyouki, who was attempting to use all the awkward tension as an opportunity to sneak out of the room and avoid the others until new year.
"...God damn you Mangetsu..." she muttered under her breath.
"I hate to be the one who points this out, but how are the three of you going to get round the world in one night?" Choujuurou finally spoke up, after ages of standing silently, being the only one to actually mourn the death of Santa.
"Shut up Choujuurou. Everyone knows that Santa's power is all in his hat... or some shit like that."
"Yeah, it's nothing Raiga can't handle, eh!"
"RAIGA! Bring me back some cookies. I only like double chocolate chip ones. Oh, and some milk to drink with them. We've completely run out because that woman never does any shopping. Would it kill her to put in a little effort? Not that it matters, I'm certain that she'll change her ways when she marries Kisame... Which reminds me, I met a man yesterday, he was called Ronald and he's so funny! I'm sure we'll be 'best friends' in no time..."
"SHOUTGUN!" Kyouki and Mangetsu yelled in unison, momentarily drowning out Tatsuya's crazy ramblings. Not that he minded this time though, he just carried on talking to no one in particular, as if nothing had happened, waving his arms about extravagantly in an attempt to convey a completely nonsensical point.
"...I SAID IT FIRST, EH!"
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did, eh!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Ya-"
"SHUT UP. Both of you have to sit in the back."
"Awww, no fair, eh!"
"See what you did? You ruined everything!" Of course, this wasn't the end of the bickering between Kyouki and Mangetsu, it was just that Raiga forcibly dragged them out of the building by the backs of their collars.
"...and you know who else is a bitch? Magnus, I really don't like that boy. He's always so grumpy. Not to mention all the death threats he sends me." Tatsuya finished, completely oblivious to the fact his rant had been completely overshadowed by a childish argument.
"Who's Magnus?" Kisame asked, a confused expression plastered across his face.
"Shut up, you of all people should know!" Tatsuya pointed a finger accusingly at Kisame, who still only gave Tatsuya the same confused expression. He then turned towards the wall muttering "You'll know soon enough..."
"Who are you talking to?" Kisame asked, now looking much more disturbed than confused.
"The fourth wall." Tatsuya shrugged.
"The fourth wall isn't actually a wall..."
"Yes it is, see. One, two, three, four." Tatsuya replied with a hint of irritation, pointing to each of the walls in turn, as if Kisame was completely incapable of counting for himself.
"But what if you started at a different wall? Then the fourth wall would be somewhere else..."
"STOP INTERRUPTING MY CRAZY!"
"Hey you guys, I'm back!" Zabuza announced, as he appeared the doorway dragging with him a young... girlish looking boy.
"You left?" Tatsuya asked, arching an eyebrow, usually he stalked Zabuza enough to know where he was at all times.
"Yeah, I went to go get Haku... my... little sister..." Zabuza replied with a great amount of uncertainty, given that he had probably rehearsed that lie a thousand times over.
"Zabuza, why do you keep telling everyone I'm your sister? It's really creepy, do you have a sister-compl-" Before Haku could finish his question, Zabuza quickly slapped a hand over his mouth, leaving the young boy to utter complete and utter gibberish.
"WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING! THIS PLACE DOESN'T LOOK VERY CHRISTMASY, LET'S DECORATE IT!"
"...Okay..." Tatsuya arched an eyebrow, it was a rare occurrence when someone managed to make themselves look almost as bat shit crazy as he did.
"Do we have to put up Christmas stuff?" Kisame muttered bitterly, rubbing his temples in irritation as Zabuza ran around, pulling out Christmas lights and bits of tinsel. "I really hate th- ZABUZA WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO PUT A STAR ON MY HEAD!"
"Are you just grumpy because she's going around the world with Raiga? She's gonna marry Raiga!" Zabuza asked in as condescending a tone as he could manage, making it sound like he was speaking to a small child as opposed to his superior.
"...Are you jealous because she might marry Raiga?"
"I don't love Kyouki..." Zabuza gave Kisame what would have been a smug smile, had his face not been covered in bandages.
"That's not what I was implying." Kisame replied in an equally smug and derisive manner.
"...I do not... love Raiga." Zabuza's facial expression quickly contorted into one of irritation, his shoulders slumped and his eyes narrowed, even on Christmas it was an impossible task to avoid gay jokes.
"Yes you do. We've all seen the way you look at him... gazing lovingly at him from across the room. Just wishing for him t-"
"I AM NOT GAY! I like girls!"
"Then why do you like-" Haku began, only to be interrupted by Zabuza, who now seemed like he was one step away from completely flipping his lid.
"WHY WOULD NOT BEING GAY AFFECT ME LIKING CHRISTMAS HAKU? YOU'RE SUCH A SILLY CHILD!"
Meanwhile, about five miles down the street, Raiga was going through something which he considered to be one of the most unholy forms of torture known to man.
"Are we done yet?" Kyouki asked for the twelfth time, despite them having only visited around two houses.
"No."
"Are we done yet, eh?" Mangetsu asked, even though they had made no further advancement.
"No."
"Are we-"
"NO, BE QUIET. If you two don't shut up, I swear, I will turn this thing around and we will go straight home!"
"You're being a bugger, eh." Mangetsu muttered, folding his arms and curling up in the corner of the back seat, like a sulking child.
"Huh!" Kyouki hit Mangetsu lightly on the arm, and said in an equally childish manner "You said a bad word. Do you even know what that means? It means butt sex. You just told Raiga he was a butt sex. You may as well have told him to sex off."
"Sex is a naughty word, eh!"
"No it's not."
"YES IT IS, EH!"
Raiga shuddered, trying to shut out the sound of Mangetsu and Kyouki's childish argument. It was going to be a long night...
Back At The Base
"Right, I'm going off to irritate Kisame. You." Zabuza shot a glare in Tatsuya's direction.
"WHAT?"
"...Leave Haku alone." and with that, Zabuza left, slamming the door behind him and praying to himself that whatever happened Tatsuya wouldn't wind up striking up a conversation with Haku.
"Tch, whatever, I have more important things to do, I have a plan to set up!" Tatsuya announced to the door, as if his 'master plan' was something completely ungodly. He then sifted through several card board boxes full of old (and probably dangerous) Chirstmas decorations. Every so often looking up to see that Haku was constantly staring at him. "...Is there something you want? I know I'm irresistible but please try, you're Zabuza's 'sister' and I'm not really interested."
A few minutes passed of Tatsuya rummaging through various boxes, never once looking up to check on Haku, until he felt a sharp pain... in the region of his butt.
"OUCH, HOLY SHIT! Did you just bite me on the ass?" He asked, staring down at Haku, who merely blinked and gave Tatsuya and innocent smile. "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT? First off, why even bite me? And if you're going to bite me, why on the ass? There is something seriously wrong with you."
"Calm down..." Choujuurou said, grabbing Haku by the shoulders in an attempt to restrain him from murdering Tatsuya. However, Haku merely wriggled out of Choujuurou's grasp, grabbed some nearby Christmas lights and began strangling the poor boy to death.
"You're a demon child. I'm going to fetch an exorcist!"
Somewhere Down the Street
"Who in the hell goes ass-first down a chimney?" Kyouki yelled, impatiently tapping her foot as she glared at Mangetsu, who was probably in the single most uncompromising situation he had ever experienced in his life.
"Right there's a simple solution, eh. Raiga you'll have to come back up the chimney and push me out, eh."
"I am not putting my face in your arse." Came Raiga's blunt, yet muffled, reply.
"Well you have to stay there all night then..."
"Why can't you pull him up?"
"...I might slip and fall off the roof..." Kyouki eventually replied, after around five minutes of trying to think of a good enough excuse for not being of any help.
"YOU'RE A NINJA!" Raiga yelled, unable to believe the stupidity of his co-worker.
"...and?" She replied as if Raiga had just said something completely illogical to her.
"Fine, I'm going out the window." Raiga said bitterly. Moments later there was he sound of shattering glass as Raiga leaped through the window, as if he was part of some action movie. "Right, you pull him out and if either of you fall, I'll catch you."
"GOD NO!"
Meanwhile
"...and then he started strangling poor Choujuurou until he was unconscious, for no reason." Haku stood explaining his version of the situation to Kisame and Zabuza, in as childlike and innocent a voice as he could manage.
"DON'T BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS, SHE BIT ME ON THE ASS! I may not have been able to find an exorcist, but I will get you somehow!"
"Would you stop shouting for once in your life and explain why you tried to kill Choujuurou. Again." Kisame demanded whilst rubbing his temples, trying to prevent the migraine that always came along with Tatsuya.
"WHAT? I did no such thing, I would never intentionally hurt a team mate."
"Last week you repeatedly slammed his head in the door for taking your pencil..." Zabuza pointed out.
"But..." Tatsuya began, pausing mid sentence because he wasn't sure which he was meant to be justifying. His dislike of Haku, or why it was unacceptable for Choujuurou to touch his belongings. "...She bit my ass. BIT. MY. ASS."
"Shut up and get out."
"FINE. But I'm right, she's evil I say. You'll see, YOU'LL ALL SEE."
In spite of how horrible a time Tatsuya thought he was having back at home, it really didn't compare to how the other three were getting on in the sleigh. Raiga sat in the front, fuming at the immaturity of the other two, who he had now ordered just to sit down and shut up. At least ten minutes of awkward silence had passed them before Kyouki's lack of self-control betrayed her and she began sifting through people's Christmas presents, in search of something remotely entertaining. After a few minutes of searching she had some how managed to find a banana amongst the huge stack of presents, and was now holding it in front of her mouth, like a sinister, yellow smile.
"Mangetsu, Mangetsu. Who am I?" She whispered, in the hope that she wouldn't disturb Raiga and invoke his wrath again.
"Raiga, eh!" Mangetsu shouted, accidentally prompting Raiga to turn round and yell at them for the thousandth time that night.
"I DO NOT HAVE A BANANA MOUTH!"
"Then why does your mouth look like a banana?"
"It looks nothing like a banana, look" He said, taking the banana out of Kyouki's hand and holding it up next to his face. "This is a banana, this is my mouth, see the difference?"
"...Wait, which one is your mouth again, eh?"
"THE ONE ATTATCHED TO MY FACE!"
"But... it's so banana like" Kyouki said, in near amazement. Raiga on the other hand, just turned round and slumped down in the seat, as if he had fallen into a deep state of depression.
"...the two of you... you've put me off children for life..."
"Aww Raiga... we're sorry, how about a hug to cheer you up?"
"Firstly, hell no. Secondly, earlier on you jumped up and down on Mangetsu until he fell down a chimney, fell down it yourself, nearly broke your ankle, woke up everyone in that house and then proceeded to kill them all ON CHRISTMAS... just so you could avoid me touching you if you fell off a roof."
"...Fair enough..."
"What about from me, eh?"
"No."
"Hey, Raiga. Raiga. Raiga. Raiga. Rai-"
"THAT'S IT. I know we've only done four houses, but we're going home!"
"...are you sure you don't want a hug, eh?"
"Perhaps Suigetsu could give me a hug..." Raiga's expression suddenly changed back to it's usual, lecherous and utterly disturbing form. If only he had thought of it earlier, he might just have got Kyouki and Mangetsu to shut up for a while.
About 2 hours later
"Hey, you two. You're under mistletoe."
"Yes, Tatsuya. Because you have covered every inch of the ceiling in it...well done."
"THAT DOESN'T MATTER, YOU STILL HAVE TO KISS!"
"No." Kisame said bluntly, turning his back on Tatsuya and trying to walk away.
"You have to." Tatsuya quickly ran across the room in order to block the exit. "It's tradition... and the law."
"...no it's not." Kyouki sighed.
"YES IT IS. Now hurry up and kiss so you can fall in love and get married." he pointed his finger commandingly at them, his eyes widening with every word.
"No." Kisame repeated.
"But-"
"Hey Tatsuya, we're under the mistletoe..." Raiga said, suddenly appearing in the doorway with a creepy smile painted on his face.
"No, go away." Tatsuya choked out. Not even turning around to look at Raiga, he just stood there frozen in fear.
"But it's 'the law'"
"Please... get away. Repressed memories are flooding back..." Tatsuya attempted to back away from Raiga, but quickly found himself completely up against the wall.
"Ahh yes, I remember you when you were a little boy, Tatsuya."
"OH GOD."
Elsewhere in the base, Zabuza had somehow managed to hide Haku from Raiga and had now been left to deal with the Choujuurou, since no one else could bear the sight of him when he was concious.
"Ow... my head really hurts..."
"Yeah, Tatsuya tried to kill you." Zabuza sighed, he really did think that by this time whenever Choujuurou woke up from a state of unconsciousness the logical thing to do would be to blame Tatsuya.
"No he didn't... it was that Haku... girl?"
"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS CHOUJUUMETHEW. OF COURSE I WAS THE ONE WHO TRIED TO STRANGLE YOU!" Tatsuya screamed, bursting into the room in an attempt to rid himself of Raiga.
"But she attacked you and I tried to help and-"
"That... is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Innocent little Haku would never hurt anyone. THIS IS SO TYPICAL OF YOU CHOUJUUROU!"
And this, was what everyone hoped would be the last Christmas the organisation ever spent together.