Chapter 14

Remus rubbed his sleepy eyes as he adjusted to his surroundings. He was lying on a cold, torn up wooden floor, naked, with a sheet draped over him. Sirius must have- Sirius. Sirius was leaning against the wall across from Remus, looking down on him.

"Sirius! Uh- What- What are you doing here? You were supposed to leave before morning!" Remus cried, attempting to sit up while still covering himself with the thin sheet.

"James and Peter went back up. I thought I'd you know, wait for you. It's not like I'm missing class or anything. It's Sunday."

"But you're- I told you. You promised."

Sirius, James, and Peter had all come down to the shrieking shack with Remus during the full moon. They had kept him company, and they had roamed the school grounds, as they did every month. Remus had always made them leave before morning though, because Madam Pomfrey could come down and see them, and because-

"You don't have to worry about me seeing your scars anymore, you know. Yeah, I figure that's what you've been worrying about this whole time. But it's not like I care, you know."

"You could at least let me get dressed."

"Oh. Right. Yeah." Sirius turned his back.

Remus stood up, the sheet wrapped around him like a towel, and walked to the front door. He kneeled, pulled up a floorboard, and retrieved a bag from inside it. Every month, he put it down there so he could have clothes in the morning without them being destroyed.

"What time is it? Madam Pomfrey always comes at 9."

"Tempus" Sirius said, holding up his wand, causing the time to appear in the air. "It's not even seven yet, calm down dude. Plus, I've got James' cloak."

"You know how much trouble we'll be in if you're caught down here?"

"What, do you want me to leave?"

"I never said that," Remus all but whispered. Sirius chuckled. "You can turn around now, you know," Remus added.

Sirius obliged, and found himself facing a very tired, very ill looking version of his best friend. The bags under Remus' his eyes, which were, to be honest, always present, were noticeably worse. He was cut up and bruised, although not as bad as he would have been if the other marauders had not joined him in their Animagus forms. He also held himself in an oddly stiff manner, as he always did after the painful transformation. The boy standing before Sirius looked so small, so weak, even though Sirius knew Remus was one of the strongest, bravest people that he had ever met.

"So how are you feeling?"

Then, much to Sirius' surprise, Remus burst into tears. His face screwed up and Sirius heard his sobs as he covered his face, sinking to the floor, his back against the wall. By the time Sirius reached him, he was a complete mess, with snot and tears dripping down his worn out face. Remus had pulled up his sleeves and was biting his own arms, and Sirius, who was kneeling down in front of Remus, had to grab both of his hands to stop him.

"Hey, hey," Sirius said gently, attempting to sound as soothing as he could. Where is this coming from? He wondered. He was fine a minute ago.

Remus, if anything, only began to cry harder. He didn't really even know why he was crying. All the emotion Remus had ever felt seemed to hit him all at once. Without thinking about it, he laced his fingers through his best friend's, gripping his hand tightly.

Sirius froze up, if only for a second, before covering their hands with his other hand. He wasn't sure what it meant, but he figured Remus needed a hand to hold, and so Sirius gave him a hand to hold.

Remus brought his other hand to his pocket, and pulled out the blade he had been keeping there. He knew, of course, that Sirius would eventually stop him. But for one, he wasn't exactly thinking logically, and for another, he thought even if he could get in just one cut, it would be worth it.

Sirius retracted his top hand, and used it not to take away the blade, but to run it through Remus' hair.

"Shh...Shh...You don't need that, Moony. You're strong. Be strong." Sirius wasn't entirely sure why he was saying what he was saying, but it was the first thing that came to him, and so he was sticking with it.

Remus bit down on his hand to stifle the scream that escaped his mouth. Why he was screaming, he didn't know.

Or maybe he did.

Release.

He needed release.

Sirius' next words came out in a whisper so quiet that he had to repeat himself. "Cut me instead,"

This at least caught Remus' attention. He managed to choke out a "what?" amidst all of his cries.

"You heard me, Moony, I know you heard me." Sirius was in tears by this point. He wasn't a huge crier, but Merlin, there was something about seeing the most special person in his life completely lose himself like that. "I want you to take your blade, and to cut me, like you would yourself. Cut me instead,"

"I-Sirius, I can't, it's not like that."

"That's what it's like for me. Merlin, it hurts worse to see you cut yourself than it would for you to cut me. So go on, do it."

Then there was silence. Remus' sobs stopped almost immediately, and the entire world seemed to stop, except for Sirius' hand running through Remus' hair. They stayed that way for a while, until Remus slowly placed his blade back into his pocket, and opened his mouth to speak.

"I don't want to hurt you,"

"But you do, you do hurt me, Moony. You're breaking my heart, every time you do this to yourself, every time you even think about doing this to yourself. I can't- I can't understand why you hate yourself so much, when I-" I love you, Remus. "I really care about you."

"But wouldn't you hate yourself too? If you were a monster?"

"But you're not a monster, Remus!" Sirius cried out. "Don't you get it? You're the victim here! You don't hurt anyone! Maybe you have before, but you never wanted to! You take every precautionary step as to not hurt anyone! You care about people, you really do, monsters don't care about anybody but themselves. If you were a monster, you wouldn't be crying over it!"

"Every month I turn into a monster! Just last night! Do you think I cared who I hurt?" Remus shouted back.

"You know, the only person you hurt was yourself! Before James, Peter, and I got there, you know what you were doing? Biting yourself. That's what you do every month, you dig into your own flesh as to not hurt any one else."

"But if someone got in my way, I wouldn't be able to control myself!"

"But it's not your fault!"

That quieted Remus, because although he still didn't agree, he knew that there would be no arguing with Sirius. Sirius always won. Tears started to fall again.

"Hold me," Remus whimpered, against his better judgment.

Sirius obliged.

Sirius was met by the greetings of James and Peter when he entered their dormitory. Remus had fallen asleep in his arms, and so Sirius had thrown on the invisibility cloak and headed back to the castle when he saw Madam Pomfrey approaching.

"Hey," He replied dully.

"Are you okay?" Peter asked.

"James, I need to talk to you,"

"What's up, mate?"

Sirius shook his head, and exited the room. James followed, repeating his question.

"It's Remus. I- I- I,"

"Spit it out, Padfoot. You sound like a broken toy."

"I don't know. I don't know what to do."

James hesitated. "You want to go steal a few butterbeers?"

Sirius nodded.

"I'll go. Meet me in the usual spot."

Sirius nodded once again, and tossed James his cloak, before heading to one of the school's unused classrooms. They had hid in it one day, along with Peter and Remus, when on the run from Filch, after one of their infamous pranks. After that, they had just kind of taken over it. It was the perfect place to go beyond prying eyes and ears.

Sirius wasn't entirely sure why he had gone to James; it was out of character for him. Usually, he would have just buried his pain deeper inside of himself, so deep that he barely noticed it himself. He had blurted out the words before he thought about them, though, and so there was no going back now. Even if he tried, James wouldn't let him forget about it.

So what was he going to say?

He wanted to talk about how scared he was for Remus, but he wasn't about to give up someone's secret like that. If Remus wanted James to know, then he would have told James himself, so that was out of the question. He also wanted to talk about his own feelings for Remus, but he felt that would be silly. Yes, James knew Sirius was falling for Remus, but Sirius wasn't sure he wanted James to know just how deep those feelings went. He knew it was silly to care so much about that when James had spent nearly seven years talking of nothing but Lily Evans, but he couldn't help it. Sirius wasn't supposed to care so much.

But he did, and he was still letting himself get used to acknowledging that.

James took longer getting back than Sirius would have expected. The door to the classroom appeared to open and shut itself on its own, and then James pulled off the cloak, revealing himself, along with two whole bottles of butterbeer, and a couple of sandwiches.

"Snuck into the kitchens and asked the house elves for these," He explained.

Sirius smiled gratefully.

"So, what's up, then?" James asked, taking a swig from the bottle, not bothering to find a cup. Sirius followed suit.

"I- I don't know James. I think- I think I love him,"

"Ah, well, you've certainly come to the right person. I know all there is to know about love." James said, feigning seriousness, as he took a rather large bite of a sandwich, smearing mayonnaise on his chin.

Sirius couldn't help but let out a snort at that.

"What? I do!"

"Yes, and I bet you're great at potions, too?"

"I never said I was great at love. Is anybody really great at love? But I do know a little bit about it. And I definitely know about unrequited love."

"Lily loves you too, though," Sirius pointed out.

"Yeah, thanks to my irresistible charm," He winked before continuing. "She didn't though, for six years. She despised me. Remus at least loves you as a friend. And to be honest, I think it's a little bit more than that."

"You do?"
"Yeah, I do."

"Why?"

"Haven't you seen the way he looks at you? Haven't you noticed how he lets you in and nobody else? Or how you're the one he always turns to? Or how you're the only one that can calm him down when he wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares? Or how he lets you fall asleep in his bed? How he even curls up as close to you as possible? Best friends don't do that kind of stuff, Sirius. Last time I checked, I've never let you anywhere near my bed."

"But- I just- I thought-"

"Well, you thought wrong, mate." James slapped Sirius on the back, and took another gulp of butterbeer.

"What do you- What should I do?" Sirius was stuttering like a mad man, and had turned a bright red.

"He's probably been in the same boat you are, thinking there's something wrong with him for loving another boy," James said seriously. "Which is not true by the way, as love can't possibly be wrong. He's probably thinking there's no way you'll ever feel the same way."

"Merlin, I want to believe you James. But I- What if you're wrong?"
"Fine," James began, his mouth full of sandwich. "You want the truth? I'm not wrong. Remus told Lily, Lily told me. She's been making plans to get you two together ever since she found out."

"Seriously?"

"Sirius-ly" James teased.

"What do I do?"

"I think," James began, "you need to come out. To the whole school. To every body."

It was Christmas Eve. James, Peter, Sirius, Remus, Lily and the majority of the other seventh years had all chosen to stay at Hogwarts this year. This was thanks to James' and Sirius' plan; they had to decided to throw a Christmas party that day, in order to ensure as many students were at Hogwarts as possible.

Sirius was going to come out, and like everything Sirius did, it had to be big.

Unfortunately, as they prepared for the party, nobody could help but notice how nervous Sirius was. This was, of course, out of character for the normally cocky boy.

"Are you okay, Padfoot?" Remus asked, unable to keep the worry out of his voice.

"I'm great," He breathed out. He was pale, and clammy, and very seriously considering backing out. Why did I ever think this was a good idea? I can't do this. I don't want the whole school to hate me. I don't want Remus to hate me. What if Lily and James were wrong about this?

"Sirius," James motioned for him to join him on the other side of the room. "Come here."

He spoke quietly, so that Remus wouldn't hear. "Listen, this isn't going to work if you're nervous. You have to be confident, carefree. If you're this obviously afraid, people aren't gonna take you seriously. They're gonna use your insecurity to bring you down. You got to keep your head up, remind yourself that you're better than them, and they'll think so too."

For an idiot, Sirius thought, he can be pretty smart.

"Seriously, are you guys alright?" Remus called out. "You're both acting strange."

"Yeah," Sirius replied. "Just a little nervous. First time hosting a party, you know,"

Remus, to be honest, felt a little left out. For weeks now, Sirius and James had been talking behind his back, planning this party. He knew he shouldn't take things so personally, but still, he couldn't help feeling like the odd one out. "Are you guys ready to go then?"

Sirius stepped before the mirror, messed up his hair, the way James usually did, straightened his bow tie, and looked himself in the eye. You can do this. He forced the panic rising up in him back down. You're one of the coolest guys in the whole school. Everybody loves you. Everybody will still love you. You got this, he told himself. "Yeah. Let's go."

The party, after lots of persuasion and pleading with the staff, was to be held in the Great Hall. Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily had all come in after lunch and prepared for the celebration. Well, to be honest, Lily and Remus had done mostly everything; they were the only ones with good enough taste. James and Peter had just done what they were told. They had set up one long table where the House Elves would send up the food when the party began. They had even bought some butterbeer from The Three Broomsticks. The rest of the floor was empty, except for a few tables and chairs lining the walls. In one corner, there was a booth set up, where one of their friends, Frank Longbottom, would be playing music all night. The floors were sprinkled with confetti, and streamers stretched across the walls. They had dimmed all of the lights, and the starry sky above them appeared even more astonishing than usual. For only a few weeks notice, they had done pretty well.

"It's 6:50. When's everyone coming, again?" Peter asked.

"Seven," Remus replied calmly.

The younger students, of course, were the first to arrive. In fact, they were the only ones to actually come on time. For a while, it was awkward, as the marauders stood their waiting with a bunch of first and second years. Eventually, though, the hall was packed with people talking, dancing, and laughing. The more people that showed up, however, the more nervous Sirius seemed to get. They had planned for him to make his announcement two hours into the party.

"Sirius!" A group of girls giggled. "Come dance with us!"

Well, there's one good thing that'll come out of this, he thought. No more annoying, giggly girls.

"Hello ladies," He said, giving them his crooked grin.

Remus, who had stood watching this from a distance, stood up. He wasn't going to do this anymore. He wasn't going to be the wallflower, sitting on the sidelines, watching everybody else have fun. He was going to go out there, and-

"Remus!"

"Hey, Michael,"
"Dance with me, will you?"

"Oh…I, um, I can't-"

"Yes you can," Michael insisted. "I know your feelings for Sirius-"

Remus recalled the events from the previous week.

Michael leaned forward, and placed a soft, careful kiss on Remus' lips. Remus started to respond, without enthusiasm, but then pulled back.

"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm sorry," He started to walk away, but Michael caught his arm.

"Hey, its okay. I- You don't have to go. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"No it's okay. It's just-"

"It's Sirius, isn't it?"

"How did you know that?"

"I should have known sooner. It was pretty obvious."

"I'm sorry," Remus repeated. "I- It's not that I don't like you. I've had a great time hanging out with you the past few weeks. I just- I think I love him."

"Hey, you don't need to explain yourself to me. I understand."

"Thank you, Michael. I mean it, I really do."

While Sirius and James had been planning the party, and while Peter had been with his girlfriend, Remus had spent quite a bit of time with Michael. They had quite a bit in common, and had spent their time talking about their favorite and least favorite classes, good books, music, and more. One day, after a long discussion about their struggles with cutting, Michael had leaned forward and kissed Remus.

He was snapped back to reality by the sound of Michael's voice. "I know we're just friends. But from the looks of it, Sirius is having a fine time over there with those girls, and I want you to have a good time too. It's time you did something for yourself, Remus."

"I know…It's just- I don't want everyone to know that I'm…You know."

"Why not? I think you should shout it to the world. We need to be proud of who we are. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Remus." He held out his hand to Remus.

Reluctantly, Remus grabbed it.

Their dance was interrupted after a few seconds, however, by Sirius' voice booming through the hall.

"I've got a bit of an announcement to make."