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The Space In Between

Chapter 14

On her way through the hotel lobby Caroline ran into Michael, the hotel manager.

"It's beautiful out isn't?" he commented.

"Mmm," Caroline was deep in thought as she passed him to go up the stairs. After a couple of steps she turned around, "Yes, it is Michael…you have got some lovely gardens here."

"Thank you…we are lucky that we've got a fabulous gardening team."

"Can you tell me if Ms McKenzie has finished with her meeting in the dining room?" Trying to sound very casual.

"Yes I think they have…they may be in the bar."

Caroline stood there, torn between disappearing up the stairs, or, having the courage to face the music.

"The bar is at the end of the corridor through that door," he said pointing, "if you'd like to join them there."

He stopped a member of staff who happened to be passing, "Sharon, do you know if Ms McKenzie is still in the dining room or has moved to the bar?"

"No they left ages ago."

"Excuse me Michael, I think you'll find that they went upstairs some time ago," interjected the woman on duty at reception.

The words slammed into Caroline like a cannonball. The air was forced from her lungs.

Startled. The words had a cold steel edge to them as they blasted through her. Blinking rapidly was her only defence.

She turned around and continued up the stairs, delivering nothing less than an Oscar winning performance - on legs that she could no longer feel - without missing a beat. Without even the slightest of hints that her heart had just dropped through the bottom of her chest and out on to the floor.

"Thank you." She thought she heard herself say.

She sat for, who knows how long, on a sofa at the top of the stairs, trying to figure out what to do next. This scenario was definitely not one that she had made a plan for. Had even seen coming, for that matter. She felt almost completely numb, but for the nausea swirling around in her gut.

She smiled inertly at a happy couple that grinned at her as they headed down the corridor to their room. She knew she needed to do the same. She pulled herself up off the sofa and ran her hands roughly through her hair.

I can't do this. I'm just not strong enough. Caroline reluctantly walked to the room. She felt like she was on autopilot. Surely they're not in here.

She put her ear to the door, not sure what she was hoping to hear the most. The muffled sounds of a TV in a room nearby and the pounding of her heart were the only sounds that Caroline could pick up.

She leant against the door frame trying to summon up the courage to swipe the card and enter.

Just do it…just do it." she repeated to herself, over and over. She thought of getting a drink from the bar to bolster her courage when she heard the door of the room next open. She quickly swiped the card and almost fell into the room.

Silence and darkness greeted her.

Then her own relief.

Then her own anguish.

No Kate. No Greg. An observation, followed by a silent question.

Ohh no…no no no…I don't want to go there. Caroline clapped her hands over her ears. She wanted to hang on tightly to the comfort of denial.

She allowed her eyes to adjust to the darkness, then walked over and turned on one of the bedside lamps. Other than her opened overnight bag and a pair of shoes, there didn't seem to be any evidence that Kate had been in the room.

What was I expecting? Her shoulders slumped, a welcoming committee…a search party…a bloody 21 gun salute!

No. She knew that would be dreaming. But there was this large part deep within her that she'd shared with Kate. Which thought it knew Kate. That was ever hopeful, that Kate was as upset, as desperate by their exchange, as she was. That her evening with Greg would have come to nothing, because she would have wanted to have found Caroline, to make amends.

But there was no sign of that. Not even the slightest.

As she sat on the bed a hollow feeling crept through her body. It was familiar. She was no stranger to it. But it seemed much more painful now.

She felt completely vanquished. Her only lifeline forsaking her.

Caroline inhaled, squared her shoulders, and stood up. Right! Time to go! She found her overnight bag, threw it onto the bed and gathered her things together. She knew that she was not willing to face any more humiliation tonight. It was time to lock down, close the shutters and retreat back to home ground.

.

ooooXoooo

.

Kate stood on the outside of the door, she felt like she should knock. That this was somehow Caroline's space. The irony was not lost on her. Her hands trembled. She made as much noise as was possible with a plastic keycard. Forewarning.

She needn't have bothered, she knew the second the door was open that Caroline wasn't in there. It felt empty…and it was.

God Caroline…where are you sweetheart?

As she leaned against the door she switched on the light. At first she didn't notice any difference, but then she hadn't spent very long in there either. They'd been in a hurry and she'd really only taken notice of her own belongings.

Kate put her handbag on the side table and went to the toilet. As she re-emerged she began to take in the room. Wondering where Caroline had gotten to. Why wasn't she back yet?

This is getting ridiculous. Kate looked at her watch. It was dark out. Surely she's still not out there?

The feeling that something fundamental was missing began to emerge.

She reached out her hands like she was looking to feel Caroline's essence. Gone.

Kate twisted around to look at the pillows on the bed for the blue jumper. Gone.

Chair. Jacket. Gone.

All of Caroline's belongings. Gone.

Realising that she could see the carpark from the window she searched for Caroline's Jeep. Gone.

She leant against the window, stunned. The idea that Caroline would just leave her was astonishing, implausible even. It was so completely left of field that Kate racked her brain for a possible explanation that would make sense. She came up with nothing.

Just breathe…just breathe.

She double checked all the cupboards. The bathroom.

She dropped onto the bed as disbelief took over.

Kate felt sick. A vortex of anxiety was making its way rapidly through her body, threatening to turn into panic.

Caroline had gone. It was like she had never been there. All evidence of her had vanished.

Where are you? Where are you Caroline?

Kate hated not knowing!

Oh God!

She couldn't bear the not knowing. Because there was always waiting that went with not knowing. And she couldn't do the waiting either, it was almost worse. No, she couldn't do the two together. Not the waiting with the not knowing! CHRIST… I HATE THIS!

She needed to breathe. She needed to remember what to do.

She hated the weird way her body felt. It was like it wasn't hers anymore. Like she was outside of it.

Her mouth had gone completely dry. She got up and found a bottle of water in the fridge and stood at the window. She gulped down half the bottle. I'm ok...I'm going to be ok. She placed one of her hands on her chest and the other on her diaphragm and began to breath deeply into her bottom hand. I'm ok…I'm ok…I'm ok…I can call Janice if I need her…She continued with the breathing, slowing and lengthening each breath, just a little bit more, each time. I'm ok…I can do this…I can feel my feet…I can feel my feet…I can feel my legs…I can feel my arms. Kate walked the length of the room, then around the sofas a couple of times. Stretching, twisting and shaking her arms as she went.

Gradually she felt the urgency of the moment pass. Now at least she could join a couple of sensible thoughts together. Caroline is not here. She has left…driven off. She isn't…gone. No, she wasn't 'gone'.

Her heart rate slowed. Tears filled her eyes.

She is…just…not…here…with me. Kate had another mouthful of water then slowly inhaled again…God I wish you were here Caroline….I really need you right now.

She leant against the arm of the sofa and brought her hands up to her face, her palms pushed into her eyes. Gently, at first, then with force, as she fought to keep the vivid memories at bay. In the end she gave up. Sometimes it was easier. She continued with the slow breathing. At least she could do that.

"I'm Sargent Naveen Dara…I'm looking for Katherine McKenzie?" Kate rushed past him to the garden and vomited. As she sank to her knees she felt like she had been caught up in a B grade movie that was slowing to down to a crawl. She looked at her hands and rubbed her fingers together, but couldn't feel them. She looked up and saw Janice and the policeman coming towards her, mouthing her name. She vomited again.

Kate, now in the bathroom, splashed cold water over her face and then ran a wet flannel across the back of her neck. She rinsed her mouth again. Wrapping a towel over her head she left the bathroom and made her way over to the kettle to make a cup of tea.

She felt a bit better. It had been some time – a couple of years in fact - since she'd last gone through one of these episodes. She'd learnt over time that they always pass and they always did, but she hated them nevertheless.

She made the tea and settled back down on the bed with her mug. Her mind turned to the current situation.

Have you really just left me here…with no idea of where you are, or means of getting home?

Kate couldn't decide how she felt. She vacillated between anger and grief and all that was between. She settled for empty. It was an old friend and didn't ask for much.

She lifted her legs onto the bed, leant back onto the pillows and surrendered into the moment, allowing herself to let go. And she did.

I just wish I knew if you were ok…sweetheart...and I wish I could hold you and tell how sorry I am…and take back what I said….and to tell how much I love you…I'm sorry that I've never told you that, but, I do…I really love you.

She reached across the bed for a box of tissues.

There it was. Obvious. Stark. Resting on what would have been her pillow.

Her heart sank even further down. As if that was at all possible.

A plain envelope.

KATE

Underneath, a beautiful florid swirl.

...

Dear Kate,

I would have liked to have had this conversation face to face, but you are not here, and I didn't want to leave you guessing as to where I was, so this letter will have to do.

I can't face any more humiliation tonight and knowing that you and Greg have come upstairs together makes me want to run…so I am.

I can't do this anymore, this pretending that things are ok. You're right, my life is a drama and one that I'm struggling hard to keep together. I was so desperate to change things that I now see that I have unfairly involved you and used you like a kind of life raft. I thought that if I clung on to you tightly enough I could float above it all. I've always been able to cling on to something that hides and protects me, and for the last 20 years, that's been my job. So I'm sorry to have used you like that.

The house issue falls into that category as well. I just don't want to face losing it, on top of everything else. But I guess it, too, is symptomatic of the mess I've got myself in. So again, I'm sorry, that I selfishly involved you.

When I was out walking just now I realised that I can't keep this up. I feel like I am constantly anxious. I feel like I'm in a goldfish bowl with everyone watching my every move. Mum, John, Gillian, the board of directors, the staff, the boys and you. I feel like you all expect something from me that I haven't got to give any more.

To think I could add a new relationship into that mix was crazy from the outset. I should have just kept to myself back at the start and not reached out to you. So I'm sorry for not doing that, perhaps we'd both be better off now.

To the not being out and proud issue: I get angry when I think about this Kate, because I feel that you have had much more time to deal with being out than I have. That you are judging me because I can't seem to just get over it and accept it like it's a non-issue within 10 months. I've wanted to talk to you about it, to help me make sense of it, but you seem to dismiss me and make light of it whenever I try to tell you how difficult I'm finding it. I was hoping that we could have walked this path together because I value your experience.

Continuing on from there. Words can't describe how hurt and confused I am that you feel that being with me, making love, with me, has been nothing but an embarrassing fumble for you. My experience of being with you has been the polar opposite of that and you gave me the impression that this was how it was for you too, how is that so? Am I that gullible? Could I have been that blind? Why didn't you say something when you knew that my experience was so limited? How would I know otherwise?

So, were you just humouring me? Christ how humiliating!

You say that it's always about me and perhaps at the beginning it was Kate, but recently when I've wanted to make it about you or us you have dismissed me or gone silent.

Which brings me to the baby and Greg bit: What can I say; I have no right as a mother of two to say you shouldn't try again for your own child. But as your partner I'm gobsmacked to think that you could so easily "just have sex" with a former lover and not think that I would mind. Because, "it's the best way." And because it's for the 'greater good', it doesn't matter how I feel. Well, I do mind, and the very thought of someone else touching, kissing and having sex with the woman that I love, breaks my heart, no matter how clinical you try and make it sound. So no, I'm not OK with it and I have tried to tell you that, clumsily, I'll admit, but you don't want to hear it and I don't want to be the one you resent for standing in your way. Anyway this last couple of weeks and tonight I got the feeling that you've already made up your mind, and the rest is just a formality. Perhaps you're just humouring me, again!

So sadly Kate, and I have agonised over this, and not just tonight, but I do think that you are right "this is done".

I'm clearly not enough for you and with so much else going on in my life, it's not fair to expect you to wait for me to sort myself out. It's time for me to retreat back to something a bit safer as I can't keep this act up any longer, and, I don't want to be anyone's disappointment.

I'm so sorry to run off like a coward and leave you here. But I can't be here, knowing that you and Greg are together somewhere, I'm not that strong. Sorry.

I will pay all the hotel costs on my way out.

I know that you are in Venice all next week with the choir and then we have three weeks, one of which I will be away attending a conference, until we go into the break. I know that for myself, this will be difficult but I'm sure that we can maintain some sort of professional workable relationship until then. I will pack up your things and have William drop them to you tomorrow in case there are clothes that you need for Venice.

For what it's worth Kate you have awoken me from a deep slumber and I now know that I can expect much more from life…So thank you. I just need time.

Caroline