AN: Wow- so sorry that this has taken me forever to update. I had a writer block and a mountain of work to do, but I'm back babies! On a sad note, I will say that this was not an easy chapter to write. Last week, a colleague and friend of mine, who BTW- was one of the best circus performers I've ever met, I know that sounds unusual, but I know a lot of unusual people. This friend of mine, Otavio, was a very kind hearted, funny person. An amazing clown. His dad invited this clown act called the unhinged ladder. Funny funny stuff. Anyway, he was famous for that clown act. Sadly he committed suicide last week, and because this chapter has a bit of suicidal matter in it, I had a really hard time writing it. I hope it doesn't suck, but I just couldn't focus. Anyway, this is for all of those people who couldn't deal with their hurt and for the rest of us left to feel selfishly responsible for it.

No Offense

One Week after the last chapter.

Munch sat at his desk reading the paper aloud as the unit bustled into their morning schedules. "'I'm Christian, I was sworn in on the bible, and I pledge allegiance to the flag.' That's supposed to make me want to elect him as our president?"

"You got a problem with the flag," Elliot answered on the square.

"I didn't realize that the definition of religious freedom was, Christianity."

"Did somebody say Primary Election? Cause, damn, I forgot to put in my vacation time," Fin said throwing Munch a look.

Munch took his glare as a cue to continue and he lifted the black glasses on the bridge of his nose.

"It flabbergasts me that this country is becoming everything that the founders were running from; high taxes and religious segregation."

"Tell us how you really feel," Chester smiled.

"Come on, besides JFK, who was Catholic, still Christian, every president has been of protestant practices."

"This is true," Elliot berated. "but I didn't vote for JFK so it doesn't count."

"You couldn't vote for JFK, otherwise you would have."

"I would vote for a non-Christian candidate if there were any and if they were for the issues I agree with."

"Why do we even need to know their religious background? What happened to the real issues?" Chester added with his head only slightly in the conversation and the rest of his body working endlessly on a stack of files.

Munch harrumphed at his desk. "Real issues? We're the land of the free, yet Barrak Obama isn't allowed to be Muslim and the leader of the United States of America."

"Who says he isn't allowed to be Muslim," Fin piped.

Munch flipped the newspaper into a square mess and threw it into the trashcan. "Apparently the Internet, which is another thing, since when did the Internet become the source for question making during primary debates? I can't even imagine what they'll ask in the Presidential debates."

Casey clopped into the office and handed Lake a file pertaining to a new case. "I personally, want Hilary to win just so that they can ask her how many dicks she has hidden under that stiff skirt of hers."

Munch sighed. "Does anybody do their job anymore?"

"Speaking of jobs." Cragen entered from his office and interrupted the conversation. "Nice work in Montreal you guys. Liv, is going to be out for a few days, so I want Fin and Lake to take a case that just came in. Elliot and Munch, we got another visit from that crazy woman accusing Judge Turpin of molestation."

"Yeah, I checked up on that at week ago. It's bogus. The woman is nuts," Elliot replied. "Why's Liv out?"

"Procedure. She needed a few days," Cragen replied as he walked past them towards his office.

"I just talked to her, she didn't tell me you-"

"Elliot, it's personal. If she wants to talk about it she will. Until then she's not working until I get the 'okay' from Huang."

Elliot and Munch looked at each other with concern and let the issue go. Cragen moved onto details about their mystery homeless woman and they headed out to get more information from her. The whole day Olivia was on Elliot's mind. He'd talked to her several times on the phone over the past couple of days but she hadn't mentioned anything. He hoped he wasn't the cause for her probation.

SCENE

"Dickie, I was watching that," Elizabeth yelled. She grabbed the remote control from Dickie's hand and punched him in the arm.

"Ow, damn-it, Bethie. I don't want to watch that stupid show."

"It's not stupid."

"Oh, I'm sorry, GAY! I don't want to watch that GAY show! God I can't wait for this strike to be over."

The twins sat on Olivia's couch fighting and pushing at each other, while Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Make-Over blubbered at a nauseating level of hopeful revelations on the television. It was one of those shows that Elizabeth loved to cry with. The pair of teens were sent to help Olivia with dinner after school, but once they'd finished their homework, peeled potatoes, and caused one too many elbow bumps in Olivia's very small kitchen, she sent them towards the living room to stay out of the way. As she cooked and listened a hot tear rolled down her cheek and her mind wondered through the last couple of earth shaking days.

She hadn't seen Elliot in almost a week. His absence had given her way too much time to think. In a matter of five days she'd gone through more mental anguish then she cared to admit, which is probably why her tears fell so easily as of lately. She was convinced that she'd been bottling them up for so long that they were getting back at her for neglect and faulty happiness.

While Elliot was gone, their unit, plus a few feds caught the woodsmen. But not in a way that any of them were ready for. Santa suits and serial killers were the least of her nightmares, now. Watching, Erica Christianson, a fellow sister in blue, eat the end of her gun was something Olivia had never wanted to face. Mostly because she herself had thought of it more times than she could count. Between the media and water cooler here say, there was always a great fear that suicide and anger management would plague the minds of a police officer. Her mind was no different. Lord knows she'd witnessed many a monster from her fellow peers, but she'd always been able to control hers. At least, she did her best to make people believe that she could. Which is exactly why Cragen had forced her to take a vacation when he saw the state of her breakdown after the incident. It was obvious that instead of confronting her monster she'd just pushed it to the side and it was getting harder and harder to ignore.

All of this 'vacation time' had opened a closet full of fears. She was sure that this emotional state was caused by the change in her life. She'd been so ready to love Elliot, but the chaos made its' honesty uncertain. She had everything and nothing to lose. And controlling the situation seemed to make things worse. On top of the gruesome images in her mind she was plagued by endless migraine headaches. The world seemed to be caving in on her from all angles. Even her body was rejecting her happiness.

She chose her free time to do nothing but think and cry. Had Elliot known he would have given her that wrinkled brow of disappointment.

"You should have talked to me."

There was no use calling him to cry over the phone. That was something she'd never do. That and once a person has spent forty years of her life getting over things on her own, it was hard to lean on anything even if that 'anything' or one were a solid source of human, life support. She needed to take a moment and breathe from it all. Besides, relationships based on intense situations never lasted…. according to Casey and that movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, anyway. She needed to know that this spell of dallying-with-a-co-worker wasn't just a fluke, which would only take time. Until then, life would have to remain an out of control bus with a time bomb attached to it. She could only hope that if the bomb did go off that she wasn't the one pulling its' trigger.

After Erica's funeral, her mentor's wife held a wake in her honor. Olivia attended to help bring closure to her nightmares. A handful of people that knew Erica, gathered in the living room of the old woman's home. Olivia kept to herself. She sat in the corner listening to each story.

"Erica, was a very personal woman. Hard to crack. She didn't really do anything but her job. But she was a hard worker. She'd give you the shirt off of her back. Always smiling even though she held a sadness that I can't describe. I wish I would have called her more."

"There was one time in the locker room. A moment, where she and I were getting in uniform and fixing our belts. We were bitching about how our jobs were so worthless sometimes. How we could work our asses off and in the end our efforts remained meaningless. We complained the whole morning, you know, feeding off of each other's mood. But when the time came to do the job, BAM- we were on. She was on. I was on. It was like a bell sounded and the race began. Ambitious. It was like none of the negative mattered. As soon as the case started she was there one hundred percent. I remember thinking that day; right as we were leaving the locker room, how much she made me feel better about what I was doing. You know, like I wasn't the only one having doubts. It was nice to know that the doubts were normal…well, I mean, if others were having them they must be normal, right? But I guess…I went home feeling better about myself, and …she didn't."

Olivia felt too responsible to say anything. She should have known that gun was there. She sat quietly in the corner sipping on a glass of wine and thinking about the actions that happened the day before. The life that fell from Erica's face and the way she reminded Olivia so much of herself.

"You and Tillman get a little too close? Was he more than a mentor? Like a father? Oh, is that what they're calling it nowadays?"

She'd taken things too close to home. Having a few things in common with Erica did make them the same person or that's what she kept trying to convince herself of. There were so many things that made Erica Olivia's personal demon. Olivia too, had fallen in love with a teacher before. She was just about Erica's age when it happened. She assumed that Erica had done it for the same reasons… to try and fill that void. She also knew, how strongly the pain could be to fill that void and how a person could do anything to keep the hole filled. These thoughts made Olivia think of the one man she'd ever openly fell in love with. A man that used her when she was too young to know any better. A man she wished she could forget about. She gave this man everything and he left her for his wife. A wife that he'd kept a secret from her. Sometimes she would think of him and feel embarrassed that she allowed herself to fall for that trick. And sometimes thinking of Elliot as a lover reminded her of the same feeling this man had given her and it scared the hell out of her to know she could be making the same mistake all over again.

Everyone in the room had a turn at speaking their peace for Erica, and she could feel them glancing at her in their silence. The words wouldn't come. There in a room full of strangers Olivia wept. Several people consoled her and she allowed it. What was happening to her? She couldn't fathom why she was allowing herself to be held by a group of people she didn't even know. It was unlike her, but her body seemed to be crying out for help. All these years she'd spent alone and in a matter of days she was given everything she'd ever wanted; family, love, Elliot. Erica was like a wake up call. When she listened to Erica's sorrow it reminded her of her own reality. It brought up that fear that all of this chaotic bliss could end just as quickly as it began. She didn't want to end up like Erica. She didn't want to get attached just to be disappointed. Nor did she want to push people away anymore. These were the thoughts that stained her mind. It helped to hear Elliot's voice when he called, but when the phone conversation stopped and she was left in to sit in her silence she questioned the truth and façade over and over again.

So there she stood making dinner for his family, watching his children fight on her couch, and pretending that she was supposed to be a part of it all. She was eager to feel him next to her again. She needed to be reminded that she hadn't been living in a dream. At least by wanting to know that Elliot was for real, was a step up. She hoped that she wasn't becoming the second rate Kathy and prayed that things would straighten themselves out.

As she reached for the milk her fears teased her again. Her silent lies to Elliot played like a broken record.

"Hey sweetheart, I'm running late, so I'll just meet you at the office okay?"

She smiled. He called her sweetheart. "Okay."

That was all she could say. She didn't have the heart to tell him she wouldn't be in today. That and she didn't want to explain the whole thing over a seven am phone conversation.

He grumbled about the usual work related pressure then sighed into her ear. "I missed you."

" I did too."

It was still odd being that vulnerable around him. Before the conversation ended his last words were to plan a night of lazy family time. The pangs in her heart tightened. He had included her into family time without a second thought. Family outside of work. She could get used to that, but would it last? Them needing her that is. Family. It frightened her and brightened her at the same time. Especially since she'd been thrown into Kathy's position without anybody's consent including her own. Life was moving so quickly. It was like she'd waited her whole life for family and children to happen and it was happening all at once and with the worst timing.

He called her again, while she was at the grocery store. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't coming to work?"

"I…can we talk about it later?"

"Yeah. Hey, Liv, I love you."

There, in the middle of produce and bagged nuts, Olivia held back tears and quietly returned his endearment. "I love you too."

The words didn't feel right yet. They were still stiff, like a new pair of shoes. She could have sworn several people were now staring at her for saying them.

The woman in front of her smiled and that was it; she had to get out of there. "I'll talk to later. Six o'clock, right?"

"See you then."

The timer went off behind her and she jumped from her thoughts. Dinner was finished and Elliot was due to be here any minute now. With a heavy contemplative stare she watched the back of Dickie and Elizabeth's heads. She had to admit that even though they weren't her children, the sound of a hand-me-down family enjoying her living space---

Dickie "Oh God! This is so gay!"

---even if the sounds were of endless sibling rivalry---

"And you're so repugnant," Elizabeth hissed back.

---felt right.

Dickie "Owww big words!"

Ty Pennington's, Mary Sunshine attitude beamed in the background. "I'm gonna take what I love and what this family loves and mesh them together for one big warm house of love."

Olivia continued to feel the love in her own daydream as Dickie fell to the ground wiggling and gesticulating. "Oh ah eh my penis…eh..I just grew a vagina."

"Dickie, I'm telling Dad if you don't stop!"

"A vagina Bethie! My man parts just crawled up inside of me and formed a vag! I'm gonna vomit. EH Ah eh!"

Elizabeth yelled while turning the volume up. "Olivia, make him stop. He's being disgusting."

The sudden racket woke her from the static of her thoughts. "Oh. both of you, stop. You're father will be home in fifteen minutes, so…we should set the table."

Dickie threw a throw pillow at Elizabeth's head and walked into the kitchen. "You really are new at this aren't you?"

"Wha- what do you mean by that?"

Dickie grabbed a slice of carrot from the cutting board Olivia was chopping on and shrugged with a blunt air. "Dad hasn't made it to dinner on time since the early 90's. Plus, Kathleen isn't here yet. She was supposed to call when she picked EJ up from Grandma's."

"Well, I'm sure he and she will call if they're running late."

"Don't count on it. They never called Mom, so I highly doubt they're gonna call you," he replied with disdain.

Olivia placed the knife down and wiped her hands on a nearby dishtowel. "Right. Dickie you got a problem cause I'm really not into mind reading tonight?"

He stopped and tried to pretend he didn't just treat her like an asshole. "Hm?"

"You need to talk?"

"No," he said shortly and with an awkward buzz.

"No," she imitated. She sighed and pushed the cutting board to the side, grabbed two Dr. Pepper's from the refrigerator, and tossed a can towards Dickie's direction. "Here, wise guy, have some caffeine."

He just barely caught the soda then watched her coolly hop onto the kitchen counter top. Her legs hung over the side and she patted the spot next to her.

"You sure you don't need to talk?" He asked as he noticed her red eyes and sullen disposition.

"Me? Naw, I go to therapy for that. You on the hand, have had two detentions and a bad attitude all week. You gonna pull up some counter and talk to me or do I have to wallow in this mess on my own?"

A red hue came over Dickie's cheeks and he hopped onto the other end of the counter. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"Being a jerk."

Olivia took a sip of her soda. "No need to apologize. I'm a little over whelmed too. You miss your mom."

"I guess."

"Well, I miss your mom. How about that?"

"Already sick of dad?"

Olivia laughed a bit. "No, I just hate seeing you guys like this. That and I feel like I've been put in a bad position. I want you to know that I didn't ask for this. I mean, I love you guys, and I would do anything for you. Anything. But I would never want to take the place of your mother."

"I know. We all know. I guess…I just thought she'd be back by now."

"Yeah."

There was a slight seven-second pause and they both took a sip of Dr. Pepper.

As the can hit the counter next to Dickie, he looked up at Olivia and leaned next to her. "So how are you doing?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, we haven't seen you in days. Shouldn't you be at work?"

"My boss forced me to take a few days off."

"Why's that?"

Olivia tried to hide the sadness welling up inside of her. "Bad case. I got to close to the victim."

"Oh, one of those. You didn't catch the perp?"

"No we got the perp."

Dickie looked at her and lifted his brow waiting for her to continue. "And?"

She let out a mixture of laughter and frustration. "And, you're good, Dick Tracy. I see you've been taking interrogation lessons from your father."

"Fourteen years worth. So if you caught the perp why are you upset?"

"I not upset, I'm if it's any consolation, I'm glad you're around. And I don't think you're trying to take mom's place."

"Thanks."

She smiled warmly. It was nice to have support.

The doorknob jiggled just as they finished their last drops of soda sweetness.

"Hey, hey!"

Elliot and Kathleen walked through the door not a minute after six o'clock. Elliot held EJ in a baby carrier with one hand and hid his other behind his back.

"Told you they'd call," Olivia smirked in Dickie's direction.

"You're good," he replied in amazement.

Elliot placed EJ on the edge of the kitchen counter and pushed Dickie out of the way.

Olivia immediately attached herself to EJ with tickles and cooing.

"Big guy, look at you. You're like a bundle of winter puffy pants!"

Elliot nodded for Dickie to give him and Liv a minute and suddenly they were alone. Well, as alone as one could be in a room that served as the Kitchen, Living, and Dining room.

Elliot placed his hand on her hip and kissed the lobe of her ear. "I missed you."

"You've said that," she whispered back. Just as she started unzipping EJ's snowsuit Elliot placed the flowers in her hand.

"Elliot…"

"I meant it."

Purple lily's filled her nose with a sweet smell. "You shouldn't have."

"I heard you've had a bad week."

Her eyes flickered with uneasiness. "You did. Well I don't know who told you that, but I sure do like these lilies."

"You okay?"

"It's getting better. I just needed a day. How did you know I like Lilies?"

"Oh, I don't know, I've only known you for 9 odd years."

"Odd years? Is that like the nice way of telling me I'm not normal?"

Elliot shook his head haughtily. "You know, I bring you flowers after you keep secrets- AFTER you promised you wouldn't keep secrets, and you're gonna pick at my choice of odd words?"

She smiled at his banter. "Ah, I believe I just did. And who said I was keeping secrets?"

"You did."

"I did? No, I just didn't want to talk about …that…over the phone."

Elliot pulled her close to him. "Talk about what?"

"El, stop," she said pulling away. "It's…I'm fine…I just don't want to talk about it like this."

"Like what? What happened? Liv, you can tell me."

Olivia glanced at his kids, who were pretending not to listen on the couch.

"I will tell you, but not right now."

While Olivia ignored the conversation by filling a vase, Elliot pushed the issue. "They aren't listening. Liv, I've been worried sick about you all day. This is not like you. It's not something I did right?"

"What? No. It's not something I want to talk about over your three month old son and a vase of lilies. Can you just drop it?"

Elliot watched her nervously cut the ends of the stems before placing them into the water. "Okay. Dropped."

They paused in the silence. She knew that even though he dropped the subject it was still going to remain in the air.

"Can I help you with dinner? It smells great," Elliot said through a bit of mashed potato that he nicked from the bowl.

"Yeah," She sighed whipping her hair away from her eyes. "The table needs to be set."

"Kathleen, Beth, Dickie." Elliot called towards them and the table began to come together.

Olivia's table looked unusually small with five people crowded around it. Elliot held EJ in his arms and asked his kids the average snoopy Dad questions, while piling food into his mouth. They each took their turns talking about school and friends.

"Dad, I need a flapper dress for the school play," Elizabeth began. "Mom was supposed to sew it for me but…"

"We'll get one for you. Kathleen, you sew, can't you help your-"

"No!"

Kathleen had become a disgruntled teenager with little to say. She gave her dad the look of death before sulking over her dinner plate.

"Okay, fine." Elliot leaned over and pulled his wallet from his back pocket. His arm hit Olivia as he pulled at his pants. "Beth, here's twenty bucks. Go get yourself something at the costume store."

"It's gonna be more than twenty."

"Beth, I'll make it."

Everybody stopped and looked up at Olivia.

"You sew," Elliot asked in surprise.

"I used to, yes."

The four sets of eyes quickly looked away when they realized the stare was too long. Olivia was a little offended by their judgmental glares. Her head beat like a slow drum.

"Dickie got detention again," Elizabeth finally added breaking all tension away from Olivia.

"Bethie," Dickie yelled slapping her on the arm.

"Ouch! Asshole!"

"Twit!"

"Both of you stop it," Elliot growled. "And watch the lanuage."

Again the headache grew with each bit of family feud.

"Dickie what did you do now?"

"Nothing, it was Dave Balisters fault. He told Mrs. Connelly that I was Texting in class."

"And were you?"

"No."

Elliot gave him the eye.

"All right I was on my phone, but I was looking up movie times. There's this kick ass horror flick. It's supposed to be about this guy who's an assassin who seeks revenge on Congress for sending his son off to war. There's suppose to be gore and guts every five seconds. It's like this guy likes to watch people's brains blow out of their heads. It's the most gruesome flick of the year. Like you're supposed to want to commit suicide after you're done watching it. It's like 1984 meets Freddie Kruger."

Olivia dropped her fork and walked away from the table holding back the sickness in her stomach.

"Liv," Elliot said as the bathroom door slammed.

"Did I say something?"

"Dickie, I swear to god, I'm gonna send you to military school if you don't grow some tact."

"What," he said giving his sisters a questioned look. "What'd I say?"

Elliot placed EJ in his baby seat and followed her. He knocked on the bathroom door "Liv, you okay?"

He could here her vomiting and he walked inside. "I'm sorry about Dickie. Olivia, my god!"

She sat clenched in a ball, her eyes closed, and her hands holding the side of her head. "I need to go to the hospital."

"What's going on?"

"I'm not sure. My head…it's really bad."

Elliot handed her a piece of toilet paper and rubbed her back. "I thought you said those migraines were gone?"

"They were…I don't know why…it just came on in the middle of dinner."

"Okay, let's go."

AN: BTW- I hate Ty Pennington. No offense. LOL!