Chapter XIV: Encountering emotions

'Sakura.'

The way he said my name. So disappointed. So unsettled by the turn of events.

His dark eyes stared into mine, his mouth slightly open and clearly unable to utter a word to me.

I suddenly realize what I've done and my haze of earlier is gone. Perhaps it was the running, or the feeling of delusion that had settled deep inside of me that had made me do what I had just done.

I touch my own lips and keep my eyes down on the ground, unable to look at him any longer.

I make a quick analyzation of myself and conclude that I'm too keen of a believer that it will not end well that I actually managed to manipulate the situation by making it worse and even acting upon it myself when noting no-one else would bother.

I'm an idiot.

'I-I don't know why I did that…'

'Uh,' I can hear Kakashi search for the right words to say, I hear him stutter a bit before mumbling something along the line that this should've never have happened. My eyes widen in shock. I just completely destroy his steady persona by knocking him in an unknown direction and putting him in a position he never wanted to be. I chew on the inside of my cheeks and I don't know why but I start crying.

'I-I'm sorry,' I mutter again, cursing my weak sounding voice. It makes me want to vomit.

I've destroyed the one thing I had by acting on impulse of something that nothing to do with it. Just because I couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't over Sasuke. Because I wanted more but didn't know what…

I curse myself countless times and feel like a complete idiot whose life was spiraling out of control because of uncertainty, loneliness and sheer stupidity. I'm just not able to handle simple emotions anymore…

I feel Kakashi's look of pity on me and it makes me sob louder.

'Sakura, maybe you need someone else to…' he halts for a moment, obviously thinking about what he about to say. Instead of talking I suddenly feel an arm wrap around me. A tight embrace. The second one of today. This one is more… friendlier. Warm and caring.

'I know how you feel,' he whispered in my ear. 'It's alright.'

That was all he said.

I kept quiet and think over and over about what I had just done. I had ruined something very precious… After a while, I eventually untangle myself from him, noting I had wrapped my arm around him too.
'I…' I swallow, feeling my face getting redder and redder by the second. I try to keep my cool in this utter embarrassing moment. 'I think it's better if I don't see you so… often.'

He simply nods, obviously agreeing. I get up and he copies my movements. We oddly stare at each other, unable to act naturally like we used to. I hastily turn around and bid him a quite goodnight, noting I wouldn't talk to him for the longest time. After this, I would avoid him at all costs. For a very long time.

I swallow the hurt I feel inside and hold back the tears that are threatening to fall.

As I walk out, I hear him say, 'Just hold on.'

I nod at his words while my feet practically start running home.

I spend days and days in my house. I shut myself off of the rest of the world.
I think about everything that has happened. I hate myself.
I feel like a complete moron. A pitying fool who is unable to hide her inexperience in life. I behaved like as foolish teen around a man who has taught me more than any ordinary person could ever.

I roll my eyes at the memory of myself and my wallowing thoughts.

Kiss a boy to see if the other boy was as interesting as him.

Not boys, Sakura,

I scold myself. Men. Real men. Men who had meaning in your life.

You've chased them all out.

After a while I find myself to where I've started. Sasuke is gone again. Disappeared.
Kakashi is still watching over me and can always be found in his office but we do not seek each other out.

I go back to my safe routine where I merely work, eat and sleep.

At night I stare at blank walls again.

Months past like this.

Exams. I couldn't remember the last time I took one and why I was more nervous about this one than any other previous ones. I already had a job, a career. I wasn't going to lose everything if I did not succeed. And it was only a theoretical exam, something I was rather good at actually.
I hand over the papers to Iruka, who apparently oversees the instructor-exams as well. He gives me a small smile, a reminder that this was only protocol and that I had nothing to worry.

Yet I couldn't help myself.

I had looked so forward to this. I wanted this so badly.

I think the last weeks I have been living on a high. I look back to the past months and realize it had all turned out much different than I had expected. Sure, I went back to my usual routine but nothing was the same.

It took me a while to get better. I think the first month I just lived. After a while I started to hang out with my friends again, which I had vowed to never push away again. And of course I start to hang out with Ino again too, who wasn't really certain of what had happened but blamed it all on Sasuke. I didn't tell her a single word about the truth, letting her believe whatever she wanted.
Tsunade was thrilled the first time she heard about my decision to become an instructor and patted Kakashi on the back during our conversation. I had actually managed to make a face believable enough for her not to question me why I flinched when his name was said. I simply nodded in agreement, while praising him too.

I managed to finally found some balance. It was almost as if the unsteadiness I had found myself was actually nothing else but the push I needed to get over the ledge.

I've dared to admit to my problems.

I've created problems in my head and… in my heart. I still don't dare to go beyond certain borders but I've changed my surroundings. My tiny world I clung to.
I hoped I would eventually let go of the other restrictions I had made. Perhaps one day let go of... being afraid.

Though it nagged me sometimes I couldn't talk to… him anymore, I've learned to reflect on my emotions and deal with them. I could never thank him enough for suggesting to apply for this job.

I smile when I think about the moment I got so excited I started to prepare actual lessons.

Though I have to tell myself from time to time it is probably not going to be as easy as I am imagining it.
But nevertheless, I've found something new. I let go of what I've hold on and I feel the hole in my heart shrink day by day. The closer I get to the date of the meeting with my students the better I feel.

Though there was still some emotions in me I had yet to put to sleep…

I bite my lip, minding myself that my life would probably soon be turning into a whirlwind again. Perhaps that was why I was so nervous.

After this exam, and its usual proceedings, I would have a meeting with the Hokage.

Kakashi.

I haven't talked to him ever since… I shake my head at the memory and still feel absolutely mortified. I push the thoughts out of my head and I look out the window, watching people pass the building.
I take note of a young raven-haired boy who reminds me of a certain someone. Someone who had returned to the village recently. I didn't know if he was planning on staying…

A whirlwind, I sigh in my head. Just stay steady.

A week passes and I manage to hold my ground. I've seen Naruto and Sasuke. The latter never bring up our conversation again and neither do I. Though I know, just like meeting Kakashi, it is inevitable for us to talk about it again. Sometimes there are moments I have clarity on our relation and other moments… I feel uncertain and uneasy thinking about it.

As I walk up to the stairs of my apartment, I struggle to open the door. The mail is cluttering the floor and I almost slip on it but I somehow manage to get all the bags and myself in once piece to the kitchen. I run back to get the mail, quickly going through it in search for a certain letter. I smile when I see the seal on the front from the leaf village. I tear it open and my smile only widens when reading the letter of acceptance. It falters a little when I read about the meeting taking place in two days.

I try to shake it off, telling myself again its inevitable and neither I or Kakashi would let this ruin our friendship. It was about time I got over it and I'm sure he has forgotten about it too.

It would be a bit awkward but I was certain we would grow pass it and we would eventually resume our usual lives.

I throw the mail on my recently new bought table and I let myself fall into the sofa. I try to beat time by reading. I've started to read actual novels instead of stuffy medicine books. A hobby that has made me able to encounter some foreign emotions in my life that I was missing. It made me feel as if I was a part of something. The main character, the antagonist, the lover and sometimes I was just the reader, nodding my head in understanding.

It eased my mind.

It eased my heart, finding it able to still feel though it rarely did in reality.

It kept the nagging loneliness inside of me away.

I swallow when I think about the craving feeling I have inside. The hunger has only grown over the months and I have thoughts and yearned for things I never knew I would be so hungry for. I lower the book in my hand and make the thought that in this next whirlwind I wouldn't be steady at all. I would be fighting against it. The thought of giving into it is overwhelming. My knees tremble and my heart starts to race.

But to live another day like this, between living and nothing, I cannot bear the thought of it.
Either way, loneliness would be over soon but perhaps not how I had imagined it.

Who do you see Sakura with in this story? I'm just really curious… Next chapter will be up real soon!