Author's note: look, it's me again! yup, Draco'sgirl, back to talk about the last chapter i wrote. and yes, this part was indeed fun to write. eris is exceedingly entertaining to write.
unfortunately, it still doesn't belong to me. -sigh-
--kyra

Eris Realizes How Little Chaos is Really Left in the Happy Story and Zooms Back Urgently to Create More

"… And I trusted you! I trusted you to stay with me, and what do you do? You go off with some blue-haired slut and perform unnamed and unwanted acts of lust in the kitchen. Above an open flame, no less! Can you think what could have happened? Granted, then we'd both be ghosts, but it's the principle of the thing! I mean, how would you feel if it had been me?"

"You and Konan?" Kisame's voice was soft, and Eris doubted that Maddie could hear him, but she, with her superhuman hearing, had no trouble.

Oblivious, Maddie continued to rant, her voice varying slightly in pitch and volume, but not really in content. After several more minutes of listening to things along the same vein, Eris floated away, feeling slightly dissatisfied. They sounded genuine, but her infallible chaos sense was telling her something was off. It was almost more like a well-rehearsed dance than a proper argument.

The sound of the bickering, or supposedly bickering couple faded behind her as she got farther away from the kitchen. As she headed towards her rooftop haunt, she wondered briefly if there was anything specific about the kitchen that incited this kind of event. She hadn't thought of kitchens as particularly lustful rooms, but apparently she'd been wrong. Or maybe the Akatsuki were just weird that way. She wouldn't put it past them to suddenly develop an odd trend towards using other rooms for things other than their intended purpose. She was speculating with some interest as to the potential chaos caused by consuming meals in the bathroom when the sight of a potential victim brought her up short.

He glided vaguely through the hall, his blond hair drooping slightly over one eye, looking frighteningly like the depressed emo Maddie had jokingly called him.

"Deidara!"

He looked up, frowning slightly. "What do you want?"

She grinned, beckoning. He came slowly, apathy almost dripping from his form. She looked at him in disgust, wondering why she'd even bothered trying to do anything with this pathetic lump of former humanity. But, now that she'd summoned him, she couldn't very well send him away again and keep her pride intact, so she had to keep going. She began to improvise.

"I was rooting for you the entire time, you know."

"What?"

"With Michiko. Don't you think you're better for her than Itachi is?"

"…"

"Well?"

He sighed. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because she opens like some kind of fucking flower when she's with him, maybe? And because she's made it quite clear that she wants absolutely nothing more to do with me other than as something to talk to when he's not available?"

Eris grimaced. "And you're just going to back down? Since when do you back down to anyone?"

"Since I died and was forced to come back because of your brother?"

"Don't bring Ripowal into this! This has absolutely nothing to do with Ripowal and everything to do with your absolute lack of anything even remotely resembling a backbone!"

He winced slightly, but proved said lack by doing absolutely nothing to defend himself.

Eris grimaced. This was even worse than she'd feared. If she stood here arguing with him for much longer, then she would miss Itachi and Michiko and thereby miss a prime opportunity to sough chaos and/or mayhem. Hopefully both.

"Look. Open your ears and listen to me, okay?"

He nodded, looking slightly confused.

"You are the one who should be with her, not him. Got it? And I am going to do everything I can to make that happen. You're my new project. You're entitled to feel flattered now, by the way."

He didn't look flattered in any way, but at least he was beginning to react.

"That being said, if Itachi isn't made miserable very, very soon, I will lose interest in them and start messing with your sad attempts at producing culinary delights. Therefore, it's in your best interest to go goad Itachi into action, preferably action with some kind of violence included, and win back the heart of your fair maiden."

"Who?"

"Michiko!"

"Oh. Since when is she a virgin?"

"It's a figure of speech, you idiot. Do we have a deal?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No."

"Then you already know my answer."

"It's always nice to hear it."

He scowled, but obliged. She grinned in a supremely smug and self-satisfied manner.

"What are you waiting for? Go off and take her back!"

His scowl deepened, but he went to do as she bid, muttering under his breath about Goddesses with more attitude than brains with far too much time on their hands. She watched him go, satisfied that, on this end, at least, things were working out. Now all she had to do was convince Itachi…

"I have no interest in your plans, Eris."

Eris growled under her breath. Of all of them, Itachi was the one who had the most ability to make her feel like the child she appeared to be. No matter how much she tried to tell herself that he was just a mortal… well, a ghost now, but it was the same idea, he still made her feel like a child who'd gotten the answer wrong on a very important test, no mean feat, considering Eris had no prior experience on which to base said feeling.

"Don't you? Then I suppose Deidara will win. Again."

He scowled, muttering things she would rather not have heard under his breath. Finally, he looked back at her. "Would you perhaps care to explain yourself a tad more clearly, Eris?"

She smiled, sensing that she'd won. "Deidara will try and take Michiko back in a matter of mere hours. Unless you're there to stop him, he'll have a fair shot at her. Knowing Michiko and her… fluctuating emotions, would you care to test her affection for you?"

"Michiko loves me." Was it just her imagination, or did he sound very slightly apprehensive?

"You think so. She might even think so… right now. But you've seen how Deidara affects her emotional control. Would you care to witness a return of the extended make-out scene? I think Maddie and Kisame have vacated the kitchen."

"You're treading on dangerous ground, Eris. If you were alive…"

"I am alive. You, however, are not. Besides, your Sharingan never did affect me."

"I have other ways of causing pain, you know."

"Of causing me pain? Somehow, I doubt it."

He muttered yet more obscenities under his breath, but didn't deny the fact that she had a point.

"So, unless you feel some burning need to commit suicide again – which you'd better not! – then I'd suggest you go off and find Deidara and tell him exactly how much Michiko loves you."

"And how much will I regret this?"

"Depends on what you regret, I suppose. Frankly, I wouldn't think you'd regret any of it. After all, you're the one defending your loved one's virtue, right?"

"Virtue?"

"You know what I meant."

There was a long silence. Finally, "Where is Deidara?"

Eris was hard pressed to contain her cackle of elation. It was working! "I assume he's stalking the hallways, looking for Michiko."

Without bothering to thank her, not that she'd expected him to, he charged away towards the base, presumably intending to find Deidara and explain a few things to him. Preferably with the use of force. Eris wondered suddenly whether he could pull his katana out from his chest, and what would happen if he stuck it into Deidara. Grinning at the prospect, she followed.

She found Itachi quickly enough, though Deidara was still MIA. With a frown, she passed through the wall in search of her missing play-thing, leaving Itachi to wander forlornly through the halls.

He sat in the disaster that was his room, looking out the window. Eris couldn't help but be impressed by the wreck Maddie had made of it. The girl had potential as an actual threat, judging from the havoc she'd wreaked on the innocent bedding.

"What are you waiting for?"

He glanced up at her. "Oh, it's you."

"No, it's the tooth fairy. Of course it's me!"

"What do you want?"

"Itachi's looking for you, you know."

"Why's he looking for me?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because he got wind of our little plot to steal his girlfriend?"

"Oh yeah? And just how did he get wind of said little plot?"

"How should I know!? Maybe he levitated himself and spied on us? Or maybe Zetsu told him."

"Zetsu?"

"Why not Zetsu? He watches almost as much as I do! And anyway, that's not the point! The point is that if you want her back, you'll have to go and fight him for her. And there's no reason to put it off. He's there, you're here, I don't know where Michiko is, so why not get it over with?"

He looked at her with no little suspicion, but sighed and heaved himself up off the bed. Eris noted with interest that he seemed to have picked up Maddie's trick of almost sitting on something without actually touching it.

"Where is he?"

"I assume he's somewhere. In fact, if you're very lucky, he might be right outside."

"And that makes me lucky why?"

"Because then I'll stop bugging you about getting off your lazy behind and fighting him?"

"I suppose that counts. So, you say he's right outside the door?"

"If you're lucky, which you don't tend to be."

He scowled at her. "Remind me again why I agreed to do this?"

"Because I won't shut up until you do."

"Oh. Right."

Deidara glided out through the door, Eris on his heels. She noticed with some interest that, while he went through the door – courtesy of being less than solid – the door went through her – courtesy of being more than solid. She quickly lost interest in that train of thought as Deidara ran smack into Itachi, his hair bouncing wildly as he struggled to keep his balance. Eris subtly faded into the wall, deciding that it would be better to let them proceed unaided for a little while. No point in letting them know they'd been double-crossed just yet, after all.

"What are you doing here?" Itachi snarled, managing to look both threatening and bored at the same time.

"Looking for you." Deidara completely disregarded any attempts at composure, choosing instead to go for flat out passionate.

"You've found me. What is it that you wanted?"

"Michiko."

"What about her?"

"She's mine."

"Somehow, evidence suggests that you're wrong about that."

"She didn't have much choice, did she? I mean, you just barged in and took her. I bet you didn't even ask her opinion, did you?"

"I do not require constant reassurance. I know her feelings, just as she knows mine."

"Then why did she kiss me, hmm? If you ask me, she was enjoying it, too."

"That is immaterial."

"Is it? Then why don't we get her up here to tell us which one of us she prefers?"

Itachi hesitated. It was exceedingly slight, but it was a hesitation, and both Eris and Deidara noticed.

"Ha! You think I might be right, don't you?"

"Do you have anything useful to tell me?"

"You think I might be right, and you're afraid to ask her. Admit it, you think she might choose me!"

Itachi gifted Deidara with a look of withering scorn. "I am merely wondering how to dispose of the annoyance you have become."

"Resorting to threats, are you? Threats are the last resort of a man with no vocabulary."

"And I care about this why?"

Deidara scowled, and Eris suspected he was improvising and had been doing so for most of the conversation.

"So, are you even going to bother to ask her opinion?"

Itachi sighed and reached down to his chest, grasping his katana with a firm hand and pulling. Nothing happened. With a half puzzled, half irritated look, he pulled harder. Still nothing. He began to rock back and forth with the effort, giving the appearance of a stoned hippy doing a very odd dance to the God of Cocaine. Eris could hardly retain her laughter.

Deidara didn't even try. "Do you want some assistance?" he crowed, watching as the usually dignified Itachi spasmed across the expanse of the hall.

"I am – grunt – not in need – pant – of assistance – grunt – from anyone – gasp – especially not – curse – you!"

"If you say so…"

Deidara watched, still bubbling with hilarity, as Itachi finally gave up with a snarl.

"Are you sure you don't need me…"

Itachi interrupted him with a firm punch in the gut. Deidara doubled over briefly, then bared his teeth in a silent snarl of satisfaction.

"Finally! I was beginning to think you'd never get around to it!"

"I can do it again, if you want me to."

"Just try!"

Itachi tried. And succeeded. Deidara grimaced and swung back, bracing himself for the collision… that never happened? Eris frowned, leaning forward slightly to try and figure out what had happened. Deidara's fist had gone – through? – Itachi's stomach. What in her own name was going on?

Apparently Deidara didn't know anymore than she did, because he was staring at his fist with the air of one who has just been hit with a blunt object and hasn't quite accepted it yet.

Itachi didn't give him any more time to ponder, however, aiming a vicious kick right at Deidara's groin. Eris winced slightly in sympathy. That couldn't have been pleasant.

Deidara, mastering his pain quickly, came back with an attempted retaliation, but, once again, his fist went through Itachi's head.

"What in the name of any god who cares to listen is going on?" Eris was fairly certain that Deidara's bullhorn roar could be heard by the entire base, and, she enough, Maddie appeared in the hallway, dragging a slightly disgruntled and more than slightly ruffled Kisame behind her. They stopped dead, staring.

"Itachi, what is going on?"

Itachi turned to glance at Kisame, his eyebrows vanishing into his hair. "What does it look like?"

"I can see what it looks like," Kisame retorted. "But why?"

Maddie snorted. "Why do you think? In case you'd forgotten, both of them love the same girl."

"I don't see you and Konan going at it in the halls."

"Konan and I, Kisame, are girls."

"And what are you implying?"

"Merely that we of the female species are both subtler and more intelligent than you poor males. I fully intend to douse Konan's supper with something nasty."

"I heard that."

Maddie turned to see Konan coming up the stairs.

"Did you? Well then, I'll just have to think of something else, won't I?"

"You can try. But I'm older and more experienced than you are. You don't think you can trick me, do you?"

Maddie smiled, displaying perfect teeth, something of an odd counterpoint to Kisame's fangs. "Your flaw, Konan, is your overconfidence. Trust me, Sir Leader can't protect you all the time."

"You are implying that I cannot protect myself?"

"No, just that he has bodies to spare while you don't."

"Your point is?"

Maddie only grinned again. "Be patient. Wait until the men folk have finished attempting to kill each other – again – over their object of mutual affection, and then we can deal with ours."

Konan nodded. "That seems fair. I'll go tell Pein that I will be otherwise occupied this evening."

"You do that. And I don't think bigamy on the side will be tolerated."

"It's not bigamy if you're not married."

"Good point. Even so, I doubt he'll approve."

"He's tough. He knows I'll come back to him when I've had my fun." Konan drifted away, presumably to inform Sir Leader of her newly made plans. Eris turned her attention back to the fight, which hadn't progressed much. Itachi was still dodging Deidara's every attempt to hit him, while delivering crushing blows whenever it was his turn.

Deidara suddenly turned and threw Itachi solidly into a wall and Itachi… bounced? Eris' eyes widened in shock. Ghosts were supposed to go through the walls, not bounce off them… right?

"I knew it!" Deidara's triumphant bellow alerted any of the base not already surrounding the dueling specters. "I don't know how you're doing it, but you're making yourself more solid!"

"Your powers of observation blow me away," Itachi drawled, panting slightly. "Any more intelligent remarks to share before we end this?"

"Only this: she's mine!" With that, Deidara launched himself at Itachi, attacking savagely with any limb he happened to think of. It was almost better than Itachi's previous Cocaine-dance.

Itachi had started out looking smugly superior as Deidara's wild flailing went straight through him, but, very quickly, he began to show the strain of holding himself solid for this long. His expression didn't change, but, had he had fluids in his body, Eris was certain he would have been covered in sweat.

"I knew it! You can't keep that up for very long, can you? You're feeling the strain of it now, I bet. How long do you think you can keep this up, hmm? Ten seconds? Less?"

Itachi snarled and glanced around. With another growl, he bounded away from Deidara and landed a little ways away, near the ceiling.

"This is getting old."

"Then why don't you give up, hmm?"

Itachi didn't even bother to respond. Instead, he reached towards his side and unsheathed another katana, one apparently kept hidden throughout the entire fight. With blinding speed and pinpoint accuracy, he lodged it in Deidara's chest. The blonde ghost sputtered and fell backwards, hitting the floor and continuing to fall. Eris let herself drop to keep watching him. She'd never seen a ghost die before, and she was curious as to how it would work. Did they just dissipate in a puff of smoke? Or did they perhaps leave a ghostly body that would have to be disposed of. Maybe they could have a double grave: Deidara and ghost.

Suddenly, Deidara's limp form twitched. Ever so slowly, one hand crawled up his chest and pulled the katana out. As Eris watched, the wound in his chest reformed, not even leaving a scar. She whistled silently in appreciation. Apparently it wasn't that easy to kill a ghost.

Deidara shot up through the floor, Eris on his heels, to rejoin Itachi.

"What are you doing here?" Itachi demanded. "I killed you. Again."

"No, you merely caused me to be temporarily inconvenienced. It takes more than a knife through the heart to kill me."

Itachi sighed. "Shall we repeat the experiment to see if you'll get lucky a second time?"

"How? I have the knife in question."

"You think I don't have extras?"

"That was your extra. The other one's in your own chest, remember?"

Before Itachi could answer, another figure walked purposefully towards the group. Her black hair was flowing freely down her back, and her pale face was drawn up in rage.

"What the hells do you two think you're doing?"