Chapter Fourteen

Jean was frozen in place by the coldness of his words. And she watched him walk away, leaving her alone again. She had hurt him so deeply, she could see that clearly now. That wasn't what she wanted. She had wanted a happy reunion, if not with professions of love, then at least a friendly smile? Jean knew this was all her fault. Her pride was wounded in even coming back to Ballarat, and she had foolishly hoped he'd be glad enough to see her that they could skip too much explanation.

But she couldn't let it be this way. She couldn't afford to be afraid of apologizing. She couldn't wait for him to forgive her on his own. She wouldn't let things fall back into the way they always were. Neither of them had been truly happy that way. Jean had made her choice to be with her family in a desperate attempt to find happiness on her own. She realized that she had to make the choice here, too, to find happiness with him.

A door slammed inside the house, breaking the spell over Jean. She huffed with determination and went in to find Lucien. The door to his study was closed, presumably after having just been slammed shut. Without knocking, she turned the knob and entered, closing the door again behind her.

He looked up at her entrance with a cross look on his face. He should have known she'd come after him. When had she ever left him alone? Infuriating woman. But even in wanting to be mad at her, Lucien knew in the back of his head that she interfered because she cared; she wouldn't have bothered putting up with him otherwise.

Jean swallowed hard, willing the emotion to remain at bay for the time being. "Lucien, I'm sorry," she blurted. That had been easier to get out than she'd expected. "I was afraid of telling you the truth, but you followed me all the way to Adelaide, mustering up the courage to say all the things you did. I can give you the same courtesy, at the very least."

He nodded ever so slightly, prompting her to continue.

"The truth is, I've always been weak and afraid when it comes to my own desires in life. I ran off to Adelaide because it made me feel brave to try something new, but I see now that I was just trying to escape from what was developing between us. I didn't know what to do about it, you being my employer and me living in your house and hearing all the whispers around town all this time, wondering if there was more truth in them than I wanted to see. And then you came to Adelaide and you confirmed everything I'd been too frightened to believe. So I hid behind duty and responsibility instead of following my heart back to you."

Lucien couldn't believe what he was hearing. He felt as though his heart was going to pound right out of his mouth. But he stayed silent and motionless, lest he do anything to scare her off. Now she was starting to get going.

"I didn't want to face the fact that being in Adelaide was a mistake. Christopher and Ruby and Amelia weren't doing well when I arrived, but everything came together and settled after about two weeks. I just kept telling myself that I was where I was supposed to be, and eventually I'd actually believe it. I read every single one of your letters over and over and over before I went to sleep every night. But once again, I was too afraid to do anything about how unhappy I was and how desperately I missed you. It wasn't until I got your last letter that I realized how much I need you in my life. The idea of not hearing from you again worried me. I even called Mattie to check on you."

"You did?"

Jean was distracted from her stream of conscious rambling by his interruption. The hopeful look in his eyes made the corners of her mouth tick upward. "Yes, I did. And she was quite unhappy at me for abandoning you. She was right. I did abandon you. And because of that, I know that me coming back now might be too late for anything more than what we've had before. You have every right to be upset at me for leaving as I did and for turning you away in Adelaide and for ignoring your letters like the right idiot I've been. So I will happily return to work and forget that there was ever almost anything between us." She paused before adding, "Just know that I want you back," mimicking the words he'd repeated so often in his letters.

She pasted an encouraging smile on her face, waiting for a response from him. During her little speech, she'd felt strangely calm, like all the tension was being held in her words, and speaking them aloud released her from their grip on her. Waiting like this, however, made the nervousness build back up.

Lucien didn't say anything. He just stared blankly at her in sheer disbelief.

She should have known this would happen. Whenever she inundated him with a lot to think about, he went quiet like this as he tried to figure it all out. She used to think it was rude to not even acknowledge that she'd said something, but she knew now that he didn't want to react badly to anything from her, so he took the time to consider his words in response. Jean wanted to give him the time he needed. She gave him a nod of finality and turned to leave him to his processing.

"Don't."

Jean wasn't quite sure she'd even heard him speak, but she paused and looked back at him.

Lucien stood up from the desk to stop her from going. "Don't leave." He stood in front of her and took her hands in his. For a whole month, he'd relived the touch of her hands in his dreams. "Don't you ever leave again," he murmured, a smile forming.

"I won't if you won't," she replied, giving his hands a squeeze and leaning toward him ever so slightly.

He chuckled. "Never," he promised.

Lucien let go of her hands only so he could hold her in his arms. He tentatively moved his head down to her, and when she closed her eyes and parted her lips, he kissed her. Jean pulled him even closer, her hands stroking his neck and bearded cheeks. He groaned with desire at the feel of her, and he clutched her flush against him. They kissed until they couldn't breathe anymore. Lucien had to pull away, ever so slightly, resting his forehead on hers.

Jean smiled as she tried to catch her breath. This kiss was even better than the first, because now it wouldn't be their last. "I do love you, Lucien," she whispered.

He beamed. "I love you, Jean. So very much. And I'm so glad to have you back."